10x01 - The Return of Chef

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm going down to south park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Going down to south park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪

♪ Headed on up to south park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ ( Mumbling ) ♪

♪ Come on down to south park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪

You guys, you guys !

Chef is going away.

Going away ? For how long ?

Forever.

I'm sorry, boys.

( Stan ) chef said he's been bored, so he's joining a group called "the super adventure club."

Wow !

Chef, what kind of questions do you think adventuring around the world is gonna answer ?!

"What's the meaning of life ?"

"Why are we here ?"

I hope you're making the right choice.

I'm gonna miss him...

I'm gonna miss chef, and I don't know how to tell him !

Dude, how are we gonna go on ?

Chef was our f-f-friend.

And we will all miss you, chef.

But we know you must do what your heart tells you.

Bye bye ! Goodbye !

So long, chef ! Goodbye, chef!

Have a great time with the super adventure club !

Goodbye.

See you later ! Goodbye !

( Sobbing )

And now part two of "life without chef"...

Draw two cards, fat ass.

Reverse to you, jew.

( Doorbell ) I'll get it.

Hello there, children !

He's back !!

Woo-hoo ! Yeah ! Alright !

Chef, I can't believe you're back !

Well, it's true.

But are you back for good ?!

That's right.

Hey, everybody, chef's back !

Chef ! Yeah ! Alright !

Oh, finally !

( All laughing )

That's great !

Wow, it seems like you had a great time with the super adventure club, chef.

They sound like really interesting people !

Yeah.

But now that you're back here, does that mean you're not in the super adventure club anymore ?

No, no !

Oh, so have you decided you can still belong to the super adventure club, but live here in south park again ?

That's right !

Well, it seems like the super adventure club was just what you needed, chef.

You must be very happy that you found a club to belong to, with new friends but that you can still live here in south park with all your old friends whom you care for deeply, right ?

That's right-- randy !

( All laughing )

Well, chef, you're welcome to stay here with me until you buy another house.

Thank you-- jimbo.

Well, come on everybody, I'm sure chef would like a little time to get moved back in.

That's right-- thank you.

Goodbye-- everybody.

Great to have you back ! Later !

See ya, chef ! Bye now !

Well, I guess we'll see you in school tomorrow, chef.

You bet-- goodbye-- children !

Right... Uh, see ya.

Uh... Guys ?

Did chef seem a little, uh, trippy to you ?

Well, look, he said he's happier now.

Maybe he just needs to rest up a little.

Yeah, I'm sure whatever that super adventure club does is pretty tiring.

Yeah, whatever, I'm just glad he's back for good.

Yeah, me too.

( Schoolbell rings )

Really weird, what he said-- kind of confused me...

Oh boy, oh boy !

I can't wait to have chef's lunch food again !

Yeah, I hope he makes his salisbury steak with buttered noodles !

You guys, you guys !

Something's wrong with chef.

He's saying some really weird stuff !

Like what ?

I think... I think he wants to have sex with me !

What ?

I gotta... I gotta go.

Weirdo.

Hello there, children !

( All ) hey, chef !

How's it going ?

Good.

Ow about I meet you boys after work and we--

♪ Make love ! ♪ Excuse me ?

Come on, children.

You're my sexual fantasy.

Let's all make sweet love.

Chef... Are you okay ?

I want to-- stick my balls-- inside your rectum-- kyle.

Dude, what are you saying ?

♪ I'm gonna make love to ♪-- your assh*le, children !

What ?!

Hi kids, I'm detective jarvis.

I need to ask you all some difficult questions about your school cafeteria chef.

This doesn't make any sense !

We have some information that all this time, chef has been-- and still is-- a pedophile.

No, he's not.

Uh-huh.

No, he's not.

Yeah, he is so.

What's a "pedal file" ?

Now, we need some testimony in order to arrest chef, so I'm gonna use this doll to ask you kids a few questions.

Did chef ever touch any of you-- here ?

No !

Okay, did he touch you here ?

( All ) no !

Did he ever do this ?

How about this ?

My uncle bud did that to me once !

Did chef ever try one of these on for size ?

Goddammit, chef isn't like that !

Something funny is going on here !

Young man, will you please pay attention, this is very important stuff !

Ooh, oohh...

( Schoolbell ringing )

Hello there, children !

Chef, the police are asking questions about you.

Oh, really ?

Well, let's all go home and-- ♪ make love ! ♪ No, chef, we don't wanna make love to you.

Kenny, how would you like to-- s*domize-- my black ass ?

Chef, chef !

You need to get out of here before you get arrested !

I specializes in your assh*le-- kyle.

Man, I can't believe all this time chef just wanted us for sex !

He didn't want us for sex, fat ass !

Something is making him say those things.

Like what ?

Something must have happened to chef while he was gone.

Maybe he hit is head, or got stuck in some quantum time vortex.

Look, he spent the last three months with that adventurers' club.

Maybe they know what happened to him.

Yeah, I say we go to that adventurers' club right now and get to the bottom of this sh-t once and for all !

Yeah !

Alright, come on guys !

( Cartman ) hey guys, know what they call a jewish woman's boobs ?

Joobs.

( Doorbell rings )

May I help you ?

Uh, hi, can we speak to the head guy or something ?

Right this way.

Now, the upper rim of kilimanjaro should be quite a trek, and so we'll need to have a-

Excuse me sir, these boys wanted to speak with you.

Ah, yes, splendid ! Good afternoon, lads !

I'm head adventurer william p. Connelly, esquire.

Welcome to the super adventure club !

Cheers ! Jolly-o ! Indeed !

Uh, hi-- our friend joined your club a while back, and now he wants to molest kids.

What ?

Well, yes, of course !

That's what the super adventure club does !

Huh ?

We travel the world and have sex with children.

Yes, what else would we do ?

We thought you went exploring and like, hunting and stuff.

No, no, that's the adventure club.

We're the super adventure club.

Next week, we will be heading to the outer banks of the amazon-

Where we will make camp and have sex with children of the yuganni tribe.

Then it's off to the mighty himalayas, where we will climb k-2, and molest several tibetan children on the east summit.

Dude !

I know, but it gets even better !

From there, we will kayak to the fruitful banks of the mili river in africa, where the secret and mysterious hanini people have children who have never seen a white man's erect penis.

Of course we're always looking for kids to have sex with on the plane rides over to these places.

So how would you all like to join the super adventure club ?!

No !

No ?

Oh, really ?

Perhaps I should ask you again...

( Making a whirring sound )

How would you like to join the super adventure club ?

( Whirring sound )

No.

Dude, what are you doing ?

Oh well, doesn't work on everybody.

Well, so long, then.

Just what the hell is that thing ?!

What-- what thing ? I don't see anything.

Ha ! I knew it !!

Knew what ?

The reason chef has been saying those terrible things about us, is because he's been brainwashed by this fruity little club !

Oh, son of a bitch !

Come on, children.

Let's all go home and-- ♪ make love ! ♪ You need to see a psychiatrist, chef.

It's for your own good.

I'd just like to-- ♪ make love ♪-- up your butt.

Oh my god !

Mr... Chef, is it ?

Alright, come on.

Hello, I'm doctor neeland, what can I do for you today ?

Hi, our friend has been brainwashed by some fruity little club.

Brainwashed ?

Yeah, he joined the super adventure club and they convinced him having sex with kids was okay with a little thing that goes--

( Whirring )

I thought that club was for hiking and kayaking.

No, that's the adventure club.

The super adventure club has sex with children.

Oh.

Oh, that's right, yeah.

Doctor, do you have-- children ?

Why, yes, I have two young boys.

Have y'all been-- sodomizing-- your childrens too ?!

You say he's never been like this before ?

No, chef's always been super cool.

♪ I'm gonna make love to ♪ -- the children.

Hmmm... He's pretty brainwashed alright.

Worst case I've ever seen.

So what can we do ?

I'm afraid there's no simple answer.

When somebody is brainwashed it can takes months, even years to reverse the process.

But we don't have years !

If chef keeps this up he's gonna go to jail forever !

Tell me, what was chef's favorite thing to do, before it was having sex with children ?

Having sex with women.

Then, that's it !

We better get your friend to the peppermint hippo right away.

Guys, be sure to tip your waitresses this is a two-for-one put your hands together, this is moniqua.

Aw, come on, children, let's go home !

This isn't working.

Well, let's give it some more time, kids.

Would you like a daaance ?

No thanks, we're trying to un-brainwash our friend.

Daaance ?

Anybody wanna daaaance ?

Come on, bitch, dance.

Up yours, fatty.

Bitch, I'll twist your nuts off.

Alright guys, how we feelin'--

We got our feature dancer coming up next, put your hands together for spantaneus bootay.

Come on guys, we might as well go.

God damn !

Chef we're leaving.

No, no, wait-- let him go.

Come here, sugar.

Blblblblbblblblblb !!

Blmblmblmblmblmblm !!

Wait a minute...

He's remembering !

Children, what have I done ?

It's okay, chef-- go on, remember.

I'm gonna... I'm gonna...

Come on, chef, you can do it !

♪ I'm gonna make love to you woman ♪

♪ Gonna lay you down by the fire ! ♪

( All ) yay !

Hey, children, everybody-- I'm back !

Oww !

Great shot, william !

Hit him with another.

Oh !

( All ) chef !!

Tally-ho, lads !

I must say you're starting to become quite a thorn in my balls.

Where's chef ? What have you done with him ?

He's safe.

He's fasting in the deprivation room and being read the super adventure club manual.

We've got to undo the damage you've done.

Look, if you wanna go around the world molesting kids, that's totally fine-- but why do you need chef ?!

We don't need him, he needs us !

Our club offers hope.

You think we go around the world molesting children just because it feels really, really, really good ?

No !

Our club has a message, and a secret that explains the mysteries of life.

Oh jesus, here we go.

Very well, I'm now going to tell you the secret of the super adventure club.

We don't wanna hear it.

You see, the super adventure club was founded by the greatest explorer of all time--

William p. Finneus !

Finneus climbed the highest peaks !

Tamed the mightiest rivers !

But every time he got somewhere, he realized that other explorers had beat him to it.

Finneus was depressed, until he realized that if he couldn't be the first to discover places--

He could be the first to have sex with the native children that inhabited those areas !

Finneus quickly went down in history books as the first man to have sex with the aborigine children at uluru !

And the first explorer to bugger all the underage mountain folk of nepal !

But now comes the most wonderful part...

After having sex with all those children, finneus realized that molesting all those kids...

Had made him immortal.

Immortal ?

He discovered that children have things called "marlocs"

In their bodies.

And when an adult has sex with a child, the marlocs implode feeding the adult's receptor cavity with energy that causes immortality--

So sayeth the ruler of bethos.

Finneus traveled the world, loving many, many children.

And he lived for eternity--

Until he was hit by a train in 1892.

Do you realize how Ret*rded that sounds ?

Is it any more Ret*rded than the idea of god sending his son to die for our sins ?

Is it any more Ret*rded than buddha sitting beneath a tree for 20 years ?!

Yeah, it's way, way more Ret*rded.

Well, now that you know our club's secrets, it appears you leave us no choice.

I'm afraid we're going to have to...

Ask you to leave.

( Dramatic music )

We're not leaving without chef.

If you choose not to leave then I'm afraid we're just going to have to...

Call security and make you leave.

( Dramatic music )

You'll be led out by security and it will be super-embarrassing and everyone here will see-- ha ha !

Ha ha ha ha, ha ha ha ha haaaaaa !

( Thunder crashing )

Okay, you know how like, when you want people to leave but they just won't leave, it's really frustrating ?

We're not going anywhere without chef !

Cool people leave before they've overstayed their welcome.

You petulant fools !

You just had to push it, didn't you ?

You don't realize who you're dealing with here.

Security !

Take these boys to the door !

Alright, come on kids.

No ! Hey !

Ha ha-- look they're being led out by security !

Ha ha !

No, you don't understand, they've got our friend in a deprivation room !

This is their house and they don't want you here.

Ooh ! Aah !

Sorrydude, but this fruity little club isn't taking our friend !

And sex with eskimo children requires some special skill--

Chef, come on !

Children ! Get out of here !

Kenny, spin blossom nut squash !

Aahh !

Come on, chef !

I can't break these locks !

Here !

Come on, chef !

What the-- impossible !

I made them leave !

Get outside !

Stop them !

Children... Run !

Stop !!

We made it !

Don't you remember why you left south park in the first place ?

Chef, come on !

You sought adventure !

And why do people seek adventure ?

Because their lives have become dull and empty !

Yeah, he wanted adventure, not a bunch of ridiculous bullcrap-- right, chef ?!

Chef ?

Don't forget all your training, chef.

Stay with us and your life will be grand and eternal !!

Chef... We love you.

I'm sorry, children.

No, chef, they've filled your head with lies.

Can't you see that ?

Get the hell outta here children !

Yes... Looks like our fruity little club is safe after all.

Aaahh !

No !

( All ) chef !!

Aaahh !

Agh !

Aahh, oogh, aagh...

Ohh, damnit !

No !!

Rawwrr !

A mountain lion !

Aaaghghgh !!

We can't lose another member, sh**t it !

Aahh !

I right missed !

Aaaghghgh !!

Chef !

A grizzly bear !

( Growling )

Ayayayayayayay !!

Oh my god...

They k*lled chef.

You bastards !

You bastards !!

Pity... He would have made an excellent child molester.

Maybe... Maybe he's still okay.

No, really- they say the last thing you do before you die is crap your--

Oh, never mind.

Come on, let's go.

We're all here today because chef has been such an important part of our lives.

A lot of us... Don't agree with the choices chef has made in the past few days.

Some of us... Feel hurt and confused that he seemed to turn his back on us.

But we can't let the events of the last week, take away the memories of how much chef made us smile.

I'm gonna remember chef as the jolly ol' guy who always broke into song.

I'm gonna remember chef...

As the guy who gave us advice to live by.

So you see...

We shouldn't be mad at chef for leaving us.

We should be mad at that fruity little club for scrambling his brains.

Yeah.

He's right.

( Applause )

And in the end...

I know that somewhere out there, there's the good part of chef...

That's still alive in us all.

It is working ? Is it working ?!

Yes, we've got a pulse !

Get him in the i.c.u. Suit-- hurry !

That's done it !

Good, raise him up !

Chef ? Can you hear me ?

Say something.

( "Darth vader" voice ) hello there, children.

How would you like some salisbury steak ?

Yes... Go on.

And for dessert...

How would you children like to suck on my chocolate salty balls ?

Oh, you mean like a chocolate candy ?

No, I mean my balls.

Yes... Yes !

Ha ha ha haaaa !