10x04 - Cartoon Wars: Part 2

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm going down to south park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ Going down to south park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪

♪ Headed on up to south park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ (Mumbling) ♪

♪ Come on down to south park ♪

♪ And meet some friends of mine ♪♪

The popular cartoon "family guy"

If we all bury our heads in sand, we can avoid being any part of this!

I'm going to do whatever I can to get that episode pulled before this gets out of hand.

You just want family guy off the air.

Kyle, stop it!

So long kyle!

You son of a bitch, I won't let you win!

Mr. President...

There's something about the family guy writing staff I think you should know.

And now, the thrilling conclusion of "cartoon wars"...

Will not be seen tonight!

So that we can bring you this terrance and phillip television special!

Say terrance, isn't it wonderful having a holiday here at the lazy-j ranch?

It sure is, phillip.

But I do believe this steer I'm riding has the farts.

(Fart)

Ha ha ha ha ha!

Oh look who's coming!

Isn't that mohammed, the holy prophet of the muslim religion?

Hey guys, how's it going?

Hello, mohammed.

We've read all aboot you in the koran.

I'm here to investigate a m*rder.

Alright, just what the hell is going on here?!

You censored out the image mohammed in our television special!

Ay, you guys know the rules.

Nobody can show the image of mohammed anymore, it's dangerous.

But you ruined the whole show!

Look, I'm not going to risk the lives of the people at this network.

Let's just forget aboot it, okay guys?

(Farts) ha, ha, ha-haa...

Oh come on guys, give me a break!

We demand you rerun 'mystery at the lazy j ranch'

With mohammed uncensored!

Ay, I run this network, not you guys!

And if you ask me, your show has become so preachy and full of messages that you've forgotten to be funny.

No mohammed!

But "family guy" is going to show mohammed on an episode that airs tonight!

I doubt it!

I'll bet that right now, somebody is on their way to fox network to demand that that episode be pulled!

Ma'am, I need to speak with the president of this network right away.

What is it regarding?

It's regarding "family guy".

I demand that the mohammed episode be pulled before it airs tonight.

It's incendiary, it's offensive to muslims and people can get hurt.

It's wrong, it's wrongggg!

Okay, but if you've got a problem with family guy you'll have to wait in line.

That little boy over there has an appointment to try and get family guy off the air altogether.

Dude, can I go before you?

Eat my shorts.

What the hell is going on?

Hello?

Excuse me, I need to get to los angeles!

Hey!

Hello?!

...starting in a small town in central colorado, the idea has now spread all over america.

Muslims continue to riot in the middle east, demanding that family guy not air tonight's episode.

And muslim t*rrorists continue to make threats.

Osama bin laden had this to say.

Bin laden went on to say that if family guy shows the image of mohammed as planned the t*rror1st retaliation will be immediate.

You one of them? Who?

How come your head ain't in the sand?

So... You don't like family guy either, huh?

I hate family guy.

So what's your plan?

You're gonna ask the president of the network, nicely, to take it off the air?

Not nicely.

Look, kid, if you hate a tv show, all you have to do is get an episode pulled.

Pretty soon the show is compromised and it goes off the air.

Cool, man!

Yes, so my plan is to use this whole mohammed thing as a way to scare the network into pulling tonight's show.

I'm going to use fear to get them to do what I want.

Isn't that like terrorism?

No, it isn't like terrorism, it is terrorism.

I can do that!

This is manipulation at its highest level.

You should let me handle this.

I'm a pretty bad kid.

Really? What's the worst thing you've ever done?

I stole the head off a statue once.

Wow, that's pretty hard core.

Geez, that's like this one time, when I didn't like a kid, so I ground his parents up into chili and fed it to him.

You got it, man, you got it.

See ya.

I want to assure the american people, that as president, I have exhausted every possible solution.

Unfortunately, mohammed will appear uncensored on family guy tonight at 7:00.

Mr. President! Mr. President!

Mr. President, can't the writers of the show be reasoned with?

Don't they know they are putting the country in danger?

I have come to... Understand something about the family guy writing staff.

Suffice it to say, that they will not be persuaded by the possibility of v*olence.

Mr. President! Mr. President!

What exactly did you learn about the family guy writing staff, mr. President?

I'm afraid that information is classified.

Awww! Mr. President! Mr. President!

Mr. President, can't you force the family guy writing staff not to write anything about mohammed.

Couldn't you throw them in prison?

Look, the fact of the matter is that the family guy writing staff is protected by something called "the first amendment".

And what exactly is this first amendment, mr. President?

You know... Right to free speech.

Mr. President! Awww! Mr. President!

Mr. President, when your administration came up with this first amendment, did it not foresee a problem like this might happen?

Well, we didn't come up with the first amendment.

It was already in place.

What do you intend to do about this 'first amendment' mr. President?

Forgive me, mr. President but this 'first amendment'

Sounds like a lot of bureaucratic jibbery joo.

That's right yeah.

Okay, let's discuss the fall lineup...

Sir, there's still one little boy out here who wants to speak with you about pulling the family guy episode.

Alright, let's get this over with.

Hello gentlemen... Ladies...

My name is 'little danny pocke''

And I won't take much of your time.

Please excuse my tiny crutch, it's the only way I can get around these days.

Oww...

Poor kid. Oh, poor kid poor kid, yes.

You see... My father worked for a newspaper in my native country of denmark.

His newspaper showed an image of mohammed and two days later, t*rrorists su1c1de bombed his building.

I was in the lobby when it happened.

First one t*rror1st su1c1de bombed us, then dozens more.

They just kept coming...

su1c1de bombers running in the building and blowing up, one after another.

They were like mexican jumping beans.

I just don't want to see people here at your studio getting hurt.

Because that would be, of course, your responsibility.

(Coughing weakly) owww....

I feel terrible...

It's so easy to put terrorism out of mind until one of its victims is staring you in the face.

Sir, if we pull the episode the family guy writing staff will refuse to work again.

Little boy, will you talk to the family guy writing staff?

If your story touches their hearts like it has ours, perhaps they'll back down from demanding we air the episode.

I'll certainly do my best.

(Cough) ow...

Take this noble child over to the family guy offices.

If he can scare them like he has us, maybe we can pull the mohammed episode after all.

(Mumbling) yes, and then family guy is as good as dead.

What was what?

I said thank you, thank you for listening.

Thanks a lot for the ride!

Hey it's the least I could do.

I hope you succeed kid, I really don't want to see family guy go off the air.

I love that show!

I'll do everything I can.

I mean, I know it's just joke after joke...

But I like that.

At least it doesn't get all preachy and up its own ass with messages, y'know?

Excuse me!

Do you know which way the network president's office is?

Who wants to know?

Look, my fat bastard friend is trying to trick the network into getting family guy off the air.

The network president's office is in there.

Oh thanks, dude.

No problem, man.

Hello?

This can't be right...

Cowabunga, m*therf*cker!

Hello, mitchell.

Oh hi, mrs. Travis.

Speak with the family guy writing staff.

Are you sure?

They're working on a new episode right now.

It won't take long, sir... (Coughing) ow.

Alright, I'll take him back.

Follow me, little danny.

You must be excited.

Not many people get to meet our writing staff.

Yes, I'm totally excited.

Family guy is so funny.

Well, here we are.

Danny...

The family guy writing staff.

What?

What are they? They're manatees.

Gretchen and flubber are from the gulf of mexico.

Tigger, pete and lucy are from the caribbean sea.

Family guy is written by manatees?

Of course... It all makes sense now.

They really are brilliant creatures.

Y'see, the right side of the t*nk is filled with 'idea balls'

Each idea ball has a verb, noun, or pop culture reference written on it.

There's millions of them.

The manatees choose an idea ball, and swim it over to the joke combine on the other side of the t*nk.

There goes gretchen!

She's coming up with an idea!

She's come up with 'gary coleman'!

The idea balls drop into the joke combine and form a part of the new script.

Laundry - date - winning - mexico - gary coleman.

A perfect family guy joke, I can see it now!

Peter, you didn't do the laundry today.

You think that's bad?

Remember the time I won a date to mexico with gary coleman?

Que paso senors?

What you talking 'bout, willis?

Wait a minute-- wait a minute.

These manatees demanded that mohammed be shown?

How? Manatees don't talk!

When fox censored the image of mohammed last week, it also meant that the mohammed ball had to come out of the idea t*nk.

It made the manatees very upset.

Pull just one idea ball out of the idea t*nk, and the manatees stop working.

Here, I'll show you.

Keith?

Alright, alright, put it back in!

Manatees are very ethical writers.

Either everything is okay to write about, or nothing is.

Anyway, the president of the network wanted you to speak with the manatees?

Oh, yes- yes.

Um... Hello, manatees.

I think you should allow the network to pull your episode with mohammed.

See, I'm the victim of a t*rror1st attack, and t*rrorists might come after you if--

That isn't going to work on them.

Why not?

Don't you know anything about manatees?

They're the only mammals that are completely unmoved by t*rror1st threats.

Son of a bitch!

Let me outta here, kid, why are you doing this?!

Well, well, well...

Cartman!

Hello, kyle.

It looks like you've run into a little snag in your plan as well.

You fat son of a bitch--

You came so close to stopping me, didn't you kyle?

There was just one thing you didn't count on.

That more people besides me hate family guy.

Yeah!

Well a lot of people like family guy too!

Who are you to decide it shouldn't be on the air?!

Shut up!

You shut your f*cking face, man!

Did it work?

Did you scare the network into pulling the episode?

Not yet... But I've come up with a new plan.

I've learned how to make the family guy writing staff stop working.

As soon as everyone goes on their lunch break I can sneak back in.

Cool, man.

Cartman, let me out of this stupid net!

Good, kyle!

That's good anger you're showing there!

See that?

That's emotional character development based on what's been happening in the storyline.

Not at all like family guy.

Now if you'll excuse me, kyle.

I've got some idea balls to remove from a manatee t*nk.

What?!

I don't understand it... What's wrong with them?

We don't know, mr. President, they just stopped working.

But nobody took any idea balls out of the t*nk, did they?

No, sir. None of us did.

Then why are they refusing to write?

I agreed to show mohammed uncensored!

I did what you asked!

What do you want from me?

Sir- sir...

If you don't mind my saying.

I think you asked for this.

You gave in to the manatees last week.

Now they know all they have to do is refuse to work and they can get whatever they want.

You spoiled them by caving in.

Now they think they can walk all over you.

Sir, you are in charge of this network.

Not them.

Maybe it's time you showed them who's in charge.

You're right.

It's time I stop letting these primadonna manatees tell me what to do!

I'm pulling the mohammed episode, you got that?

And if you all don't want to work tomorrow, you can just find other jobs!

How long before family guy is supposed to air?

Twenty-five minutes.

I gotta hurry!

I did it!

I... Am... God!

♪ Family guy is going off the air ♪

♪ No more family guy for me, mon frere ♪♪ cartmaaan!!

You f*cking fat ass.

How the hell did you get out?

That kid and I had a long talk.

I told him he was on a slippery slope to becoming a monster like you.

Oh god dammit, you gave him one of your gay little speeches didn't you?

You are not k*lling family guy.

You're too late, kyle.

The president of the network is pulling the episode.

Family guy is as good as dead.

There's still time to tell the network president you're full of crap!

I can't let you do that.

Get out of my way or I'll kick your ass.

Fine, kyle...

I guess it was inevitable.

Let this be our final battle.

Aaahghgh!

Ow... Stop it!

Kyle, that's too hard!

Ow, quit it!

Quit it, kyle!

Stop it!

Quit it!

Okay, okay, kyle- time out!

Time out! Time out!

Time in!

Okay, time out! Time out! Time out!

No more time outs, fat ass!

Kyle, time out!

Ack!

You-get the--

Dude- dude!

That was in the balls!

Dude, seriously that was in the balls!

No hitting in the balls!!

Ow! Ow!!

Let me up kyle!

Let me up kyle!

Okay, okay, okay!!

Okay you win!

You win!

I give up!

Ugh!!

Ha ha... I had my fingers crossed.

(Thonk)

Thanks, kid.

Network control, this is the president.

I want you to pull the episode.

What?

Mr. President, are you sure?

I'm sure.

Begin episode jettison sequence 0-2-900.

Abort system initiated.

Awaiting confirmation.

Mr. President, we need your final approval code.

Presidential approval code zero, zero, destruct-

Sir, mr. Television executive!

Stop!

Who are you? Listen to me.

The little boy who convinced you to pull the episode is a bastard child.

He only wants you to pull it because he knows it will be the end of family guy forever.

The end of family guy?

Mr. President, we need final authorization.

Hold on, julie...

What are you talking about kid?

Pulling an episode because somebody is offended starts a chain reaction.

You'll have to pull more and more episodes until the show goes off the air completely.

It's what happened to laverne and shirley.

You mean...

The manatees aren't trying to run the network?

What manatees?

Go ahead mr. President continue what you were doing.

No, you have to show mohammed, mr. President!

Mr. President we're awaiting your orders!

Sir, just think about what you're doing to free speech.

No, think about the people who could get hurt.

I... I don't know who to listen to!

Okay, I'll make it easy for you.

Pull the mohammed episode now.

Okay, I'll listen to you.

Julie-

No, wait- you can't listen to him!

He's a lying deceitful monster who only wants family guy off the air!

But he has a g*n.

You can't do what he wants, just because he's the one threatening you with v*olence!

Shut up, kyle!

I can't be responsible for people getting hurt.

Especially me.

Yes, people can get hurt.

That's how terrorism works.

But if you give in to that, doug, you're allowing terrorism to work.

Do the right thing here.

Give the order to pull the episode, mr. President.

I shouldn't even be in the office still!

It's supposed to be half-day friday!

Mr. President, 30 seconds to air time.

What do you want us to do?

Do the right thing, mr. President.

How about I allow the episode to air, but just censor out the image of mohammed again?

I wish that was good enough.

But if you censor out mohammed, then soon you'll have to censor out more.

No gay speeches, kyle!

If you don't show mohammed, then you've made a distinction between what is okay to poke fun at and what isn't.

Either it's all okay, or none of it is.

Five seconds mr. President!

Do the right thing.

Show mohammed.

Do-the right-thing.

Mr. President, we need a decision now !

Family guy goes on air as planned.

Uncensored.

Yes!

No- no, I hate family guy!

(Click click click)

Air it!

(Bell ringing)

Peter, you got a pink slip at work?

You think that's bad?

Remember the time I got a salmon helmet from mohammed while wearing a toga?

(Doorbell)

Coming, mohammed!

Wow, a salmon helmet!

Thanks!

Anyway, what were we talking about?

Oh yeah, my pink slip.

Hey... That wasn't bad at all...

They just showed mohammed standing there, looking normal!

Mr. President!

The t*rrorists are retaliating!!

What?!

And as soon as the image of mohammed appeared t*rror1st leader al zawahri announced the retaliation!

Hello! I am an american!

I'm an american too!

We like to crap on each other!

I am the president bush, I will crap on both you.

Oh we love to crap!

I'm american!

I'm pregnant with a baby but I'm not married.

Let's crap!!

Look at me, I'm jesus.

Would you like me to crap on you, mr. Bush?

(All) mmmmm, yummy yummy crap!