16x01 - Reverse Cowgirl

[bunniefuu]

Throw it here!

Nice one, Clyde!

Get up here! Hurry!

What is that?

A toilet?

That's right, it's a toilet!

And where is the toilet seat?

It's up!

Because you left it up, again!

We've been through this countless times!

Just not in front of my friends, OK?

Not OK! You aren't getting the message!

What if I had fallen in? Start listening to me!

Put it down!

Thank you.

That sucks.

A mom shouldn't be able to put rules on toilet time like that.

Toilet time is the last bastion of American freedom.

Is your mom always like that?

Could you guys not say anything about this at school, please?

Of course, man. It's cool.

"What have I told you about pissing on the seat?"

And Clyde's all like, "Not in front of my friends!"

It was actually really lame. I know.

Women are just jealous, 'cause they have to face outwards.

Wait a minute, you're supposed to poop facing out?

But I thought you seat on the toilet this way.

So you have that little shelf for your comic book and chocolate milk.

Because you got the flusher right here.

That's embarrassing.

There you are!

Clyde Donovan, you come home this instant.

Why? What have I told you about putting the toilet seat down after you go to the bathroom?

I'm in class!

How many times do I have to tell you?

I was trying to get ready for work, and the toilet seat was up, again!

Betsy, come back home. It's not that big a deal.

No, Roger, it's a disgusting habit. I'm sick and tired of it!

If I had sat down,

You're coming home right now, and you're putting the toilet seat down where it belongs.

Let's go.

I'm telling, it was freaking hysterical.

Clyde had to get up in the middle of class, and follow his mom home to put the toilet seat down.

He was so embarrassed. I thought he was gonna die.

I know, fatass. I was there.

And his mom goes, "You're an assh*le!"

"Now, I go toilet water in my va-jay-jay."

That's not what she said. You're putting extras on it again!

It's not that funny.

I know, the bathroom's the last bastion of American freedom.

Don't you feel just a little bad for Clyde?

You should.

The poor guy shouldn't be screamed at for something that isn't a big deal.

What's going on? They're saving Clyde's mom.

From what? Clyde left the toilet seat up again.

Hang in there. You're gonna be fine.

Stay with me.

I'm sorry, there's nothing we can do.

When she fell into the toilet, she also made it flush.

It created a suction that's pulling out here insides.

Can't we disconnect the toilet from the plumbing?

We'll have to, but when we do that, the change in pressure will rip out her organs.

But she's not gonna die, is she?

Why'd you leave the toilet seat up, son?

I want you to know I don't blame you for this.

We should have been harder on you all those times you left toilet seat up.

Mom, I'm sorry.

I don't have a lot of time.

Just please put the seat down from now on, for your sister's sake.

Please, let me go!

Do it!

I'll always remember Betsy Donovan's kind nature more than anything.

She always treated people with dignity and respect.

What a tragedy she had to leave us so soon.

But I'm sure Betsy is hoping her death will help women everywhere just take that extra second to look before they seat on a toilet.

I'd like to say on behalf of the departed that it isn't a woman's responsibility to see that the seat is down, it's a man's responsibility to put it down.

It's not hard.

That's right!

Putting the toilet seat down isn't hard.

So is it too much to ask women to just look and put it down before plopping their butts blindly to the toilet bowl?

My God! This is a funeral!

Please have some respect!

There's a little boy here who has lost his mother.

He'll never see he again.

Because he couldn't take that six tenth of a second to put the toilet seat down when he was done peeing.

Now, little Clyde's mother is dead.

And the blood is on his penis.

Mom, get the door!

The Toilet Safety Administration. The what?

After the recent tragedy, new safety regulation requires to check every toilet for security.

Can we come in? Sure.

Who are these buttholes? It's the Toilet Safety Administration.

They're gonna do something to the potty.

My potty? What they gonna do to it?

That's my bathroom!

We'll have to completely redo this.

You need this counter moved a minimum of six inches.

But we'll go ahead install your safety belt.

Safety belt?

Federal law requires all toilets to be fitted with a safety harness so that nobody can fall in.

You can't make me wear a seat belt to take a dump!

This is for your safety. A woman died, you know.

But the blood's on Clyde's wiener, not mine!

Everywhere he goes, people are telling him he has blood... on his wiener.

Go on.

We keep trying to tell him maybe this all isn't his fault.

Maybe the people who made the toilet are the blame for what happened.

So we were just wondering if we could sue somebody.

You can always sue somebody.

All right! You see, Clyde?

We wanna help him sue whoever invented the toilet.

You got it.

Here we go, inventor of the toilet.

Sir Thomas Harrington.

Kelston, England. Died 1692.

He's dead? So we can't sue him?

Why not? You can always sue somebody.

It's just gonna take some special protocol.

We would have to perform... a sueance.

A sueance?

You bet.

Here, at Hoffman & Turk, we specialize in suing the dead.

If you hire us, we'll work hard, for you.

Really? You hear that, Clyde?

Now, look.

I'll be asking all of you to have a very open mind and a willingness to face your fears.

I warn you, boys. A sueance can be very... expensive.

How expensive? How much do you have?

Clyde got $3,000 from his mom's life insurance.

That's exactly how much a sueance cost.

That's weird.

Damn it.

Hey, officer.

You need to be wearing your safety belt, sir.

I know, I had it on. I took it off for a second to get the...

Address here is 260 Avenue De Los Mexicanos?

Come on, don't give me a ticket!

Gotta wear a safety, or you could fall in.

I'm not gonna fall in, I'm not a chick!

Law's the law, sir.

You can pay this by mail or appear in court on that date.

Have a good day, sir. Thanks, assh*le...

You say something?

I was talking to my assh*le.

Come on, assh*le. Let's get back to work.

This is unbelievable.

Stupid Toilet Safety Administration.

You can't even take a crap at IHOP without a 40 minute line.

Shoes off, belts off. Sharp objects in the plastic tray.

This is inhuman. Shut up... sir.

Taking a dump today, ma'am?

No, just need to pee.

All right, I just need to check inside your assh*le.

How about you speed it up in here?

I'm about to crap my pants. I demand access to the toilet now.

All right, you mind if I touch your balls, sir?

Yes, I mind. You mind if I touch your f*cking balls?

I'm done.

All right, sir, I just need to check inside your assh*le.

I don't need you wiping my ass for me. I'm a grown man.

You're a big boy, aren't you, sir.

I'm a big boy.

That's a big boy, sir.

I'm a big boy. I took a big boy poo.

All right, boys, sit down and clear your minds.

The sueance is about to begin.

Doors and windows are locked. You have your $500 in cash ready?

I have this big bowl set here for the money we're about to make.

Now, let us start.

We call out to the land of the dead.

Sir John Harrington, your presence is requested.

Appear to us, John Harrington.

We have a subpoena.

Geez, it's not working.

John Harrington.

My client is due compensation for negligence.

What is your name, spirit?

Bonds, Jimmy Bonds. What's it to you.

Who are you mugs?

That's how people talked in the past.

We have a claim against a John Harrington.

Do you know him, spirit?

Maybe I do, maybe I don't.

Might need a little something to jar my memory.

We gotta grease him. Put a hundred in the box.

Harrington, I know him.

Always going around inventing things.

That's him.

Is his personage amongst you?

Maybe it is, maybe it isn't.

Give him $100.

I seen him around.

He was down that way, bragging about a porcelain machine and what have you.

By the power of Christ, we sue you.

By the power of Christ, we sue you.

You can't sue me.

Quick, put another 300 in the box.

This actually went really well.

Always happens a bureaucrat tries to block the first sueance.

Good. We'll get him tomorrow. That's it?

We'll need another $400 tomorrow.

I know you're sad, Clyde. Don't worry, we'll win this thing.

Put your coffee in the plastic tray, sir.

Shoes off. Belts off.

Got any metal in your pockets?

I just need to check your assh*le.

So ridiculous.

assh*le clear.

Pick your coffee up, sir.

Anyways, he says I'm getting nothing anyways so...

What's that thing?

That's a camera, security camera.

You people have me on camera now?

It's OK, sir.

There's just one person viewing the monitors in a discrete location.

Exactly how long are we going to sit around as our freedoms are stripped away one by one?

It's time for us to stand together and say we want the government out of our bathrooms.

Now, listen.

All we have to do is agree as a community to all bolt our toilet seats down.

If they can't raise or lower them, no one can fall in.

Without toilet seats, the government can't make toilet seat laws.

Hold on! If the seat can't raise up, the men will pee all over it.

No, we won't.

Yeah, you will.

Sorry, women might have to deal with a little splash of pee on the rim.

It's a far better solution than the government in our bathrooms.

How about we agree to that, if men agree to always sit down to urinate.

No, you can't make men sit down to pee.

How could we play "sink the boat?"

How will Nelson and I make an X on sleepover nights?

What about us loggers, hard-working men who like to stand up after they've taken a poo, turn around and cut their poo in half with their urine?

Sorry, but if we don't want the government treating us like kids, we might have to give up peeing our feces in half.

Folks have been logging here for generations.

My pop taught me logging, and his pop before him!

I think we have to live with the TSA.

The spirits of the dead are looking over the subpoena.

Motion of summary judgement on behalf of the plaintiff.

What's going on? The judge declined our motion.

Concentrate more.

This specter is like none I've ever encountered.

He managed to avert liability with an injunction against our claim.

So what?

We'll hit him with a class-action lawsuit tomorrow.

We need all of your friends and families to sign a petition and kick in $50 each.

What?

Hang in there, Clyde.

This is all to make the world a safer place.

Security breach.

An embarrassing day for the toilet safety administration.

Shocking outrage ensued after an unknown t*rror1st managed to get through TSA security with a g*n and baby.

Leaving the toilet seat up.

The head TSA chief of operations had this to say.

Shit.

Meanwhile, outraged civilians are claiming they're finally fed up with the overblown government bureaucracy.

What good is the TSA if they aren't protecting us?

Why have we given up freedom if t*rrorists can take a hostage with a baby and a g*n on the toilet?

And the toilet seat was up.

We've all stood by as mother government is taking our dignity.

Right!

Now, it's time for us to take responsibility for ourselves.

It is time for us all to grow up.

That's right.

It is time... for a sueance.

Wait, what?

What the f*ck is a sueance?

I'm standing outside the South Park courthouse, where experts have successfully summoned the ghost of toilet inventor, Sir John Harrington.

Now that the spirit has crossed over from the dead, lawyers are gonna try and sue him.

Sir Thomas Harrington, your extreme negligence has cost taxpayers millions.

You will be sued, spirit.

The liability is without question.

Appear before this court, Harrington.

Never.

Quick, everyone, get out all your money.

Mom?

This lawyer is a fraud.

He has been swindling you and your friends for your money.

f*ck me, it's a ghost.

You can't sue the dead, Clyde.

Putting the toilet seat down is a matter of simple etiquette.

It's common sense.

Here we go.

Don't try and blame Mommy's death on anything but your failure to do something I asked you time and time again to do.

It's your fault.

Hold on just a second!

It's not anyone's fault.

I am sick and tired of all of this nonsense over my porcelain toilet machine.

There he is. Sir John Harrington.

Quick, sue him.

You can't sue me.

You're all using my toilet invention the wrong way.

When you have to sit and take a Sir Harrington, you're supposed to be facing this way.

So you can use the little shelf for your books, quill and ink.

I told you, you sit on it that way. I told you.

Why would I design it so that after your Sir Harrington, you have to stand up, turn around and look down at your Harrington to flush?

That's gross.

If you sit on it that way, you take your pants all the way off.

Why do you think I designed toilet rooms with a laundry hole?

That's what that hole is for?

So then Clyde's mom ghost is all like, "Clyde, what I have told you, you assh*le?"

And Clyde's all like, "Leave me alone. I'm seriously, stop please!"

It was a riot.

That's not what I said.

I'm just glad that stupid TSA crap is over with.

You've had a tough week, but your mom didn't die for nothing.

We're right back to the bathroom being the last bastion of our freedom.

So technically, your mum did die for nothing, but...

You're there?