18x01 - Go Fund Yourself

[bunniefuu]

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna have myself a time ♪

♪ Friendly faces everywhere ♪

♪ Humble folks without temptation ♪

♪ I'm goin' down to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna leave my woes behind ♪

♪ Ample parking day or night ♪

♪ People spouting howdy neighbor ♪

♪ Headin' on up to South Park ♪

♪ Gonna see if I can't unwind ♪

♪ Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm! ♪

♪ Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine ♪

Boner balls.

Boner balls. Boner -- Boner forest.

Dense boner forest.

Pungent crotch sweat.

Pungent -- Milk-- Milky crotch ooze.

Barking vaginal belch.

Protruding vaginal boner.

Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Oh, I like that.

Rotten booby turds!

Nah.

Bloody butt cough. Uh-huh.

Angry clit spasm.

Nope, sorry.

Whooping fart balls.

Nope.

Lubricated titty burgers.

That's taken too.

Indifferent rectal semen splooge.

Sorry.

Indifferent Rectal Semen Splooge is taken?

Come on!

How are we supposed to name our start-up company if every name is already taken?

I told you, you just have to be really original with your company name.

There's a lot of start-up companies these days.

Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table, Inc.

That's available!

Congratulations.

It doesn't quite roll of the tongue.

Dude, we're not gonna get any attention with that name.

Man, this sucks!

Uh, Stan, aren't you supposed to be in school?

No, Dad, we don't need school anymore.

We're forming a start-up company.

A start-up company? A company that does what?

No, we don't want to do anything.

Yeah, that's why we want to have a start-up company.

Yeah, we're sick of school, but all the good, attention-getting start-up company names are taken!

Well, boys, there's more to starting a company than having a catchy name.

No, there isn't.

You guys! You guys, it's awesome!

Holy shit, you guys!

You guys, I've got it!

What?

It's the greatest start-up company name ever.

What? Tell us!

Washington Redskins.

Washington Redskins?

It's so sweet.

I'm pretty sure that's taken, Cartman.

It's not, dude!

Some dumb court thingy happened, and the trademark got pulled!

We can use it! And the logo!

Washington Redskins.

I like it. Mrph rm!

What?

Dude, there's already brand-name awareness, and it's instantly recognizable.

Wait, guys, this -- this doesn't seem legal.

Kyle, you're not hearing me.

The trademark has been pulled. We can do whatever we want.

You all right, dude? Yeah. I just...

Well, I just thought our company name would be more, like, original.

It's a strong name, dude.

It's, like, aggressive and masculine, like Boner Forest, but Boner Forest was taken.

Yeah, but maybe we need a name that's more affirming, like, shows what we stand for.

We don't stand for anything. Remember our company plan, guys.

Start up, cash in, sell out, bro down.

I'm just not sure this is the name people are gonna give money to.

We already got a dollar! What?

$1 pledged! Mrph rm!

I told you, guys!

"Washington Redskins" totally gets peoples' attention!

Another $2! No way!

Sitting on our asses, here we come!

Another new start-up company is gaining a lot of attention on the Internet.

They're a company that does absolutely nothing and they're called the Washington Redskins.

The Redskins started as what appeared to be some kind of adolescent prank, but almost overnight it has become one of the most heavily funded projects on Kickstarter.

Why did you give $5 to the Washington Redskins Kickstarter?

I don't know, I just --

They don't do anything. That's pretty sweet.

I don't know. I thought it was funny.

By pledging just $1 or $2, you are helping us in our fervent quest to not have to do stuff.

If you pledge $10 or more, you will receive this luxurious company micro badge.

It's called crowdfunding -- using the Internet to raise money without having to pay back your investors, a tactic that some believe is unfair and impersonal.

Washington Redskins, go f*ck yourself.

Sure! We'd be happy to take your money.

Yep, just go to our Kickstarter page.

Okay, nice, idiot. Uh-huh, f*ck you, bye-bye.

You are Eric Cartman?

Yes, I know.

My name is Dan Snyder.

I'm the president and owner of the Washington Redskins.

Oh, cool. Please, take a seat.

Thank you, but I will stand.

Nice. I like that.

Young man, we ask that you please stop using the name Washington Redskins for your organization.

Stop? But why?

Because we are the Washington Redskins and we are a football team.

You have no right to use our name to get attention.

Uh, the trademark got pulled, so I'm totally free to use the name, actually.

Uh, Butters, could you get that?

Washington Redskins, go f*ck yourself.

Look, don't you see that when you call your organization the Washington Redskins, it's offensive to us?

How is it offensive?

How is it offensive?! Jesus, what -- we are a proud team, Mr. Cartman.

We have no wish to be associated with people who actively do nothing.

Makes us feel like a joke!

Guys, guys. We have total respect for you.

When we named our company Washington Redskins, it was out of deep appreciation for your team and your people.

Uh, I know I can't legally make you stop using our name, but -- but won't you just do it out of decency?

N-N-N-No.

Because I don't want to, and we can't just change the name of our company

'cause it's, like, super hard.

But, hey, from one Redskin to another, go f*ck yourself.

All around the world, people are saying they are inspired by the Washington Redskins.

The Internet start-up company has raised so much money on Kickstarter that now more groups are doing the same.

More news on the Washington Redskins tonight.

Their defiant "F you" attitude has now caught the attention of the t*rror1st group !sis.

The t*rrorists said they admire the Washington Redskins and want to try and follow their business model.

Well, let's not forget, Marsha, that there's a people here, okay, who are not happy about the use of the name -- the football Washington Redskins.

Well, yeah but does anyone really care about them?

Dude, this is so cool!

We only have six days to go before all the money pledged to our company becomes liquid.

Guys, we need to talk to you.

I really don't think we want to be a company that !sis looks up to.

We should maybe issue a statement saying that we don't sanction them.

Oh, no. No, you guys.

We started this company to do nothing.

If we start doing stuff now, it'll put it all at risk.

People aren't going to support our company if we dig in our heels and say we don't care about anything.

Digging in our heels and pissing on public opinion is what the Washington Redskins are all about!

Now, come on, guys!

If you want to be a successful business, then you have to be honest about what you are.

Once you take a stand on something, you're pretending like your company is about more than money.

Then all of a sudden, you're the NFL and your players get caught molesting little boys!

That's the Catholic church!

NFL, Catholic church -- same thing!

Okay, let's use the Catholic church.

You take a moral stand on issues, you say you're about honor and integrity, and the next thing you know, your clergymen are getting caught beating up their wives in an elevator.

That's the NFL. It's the same thing, Kyle!

The point is, if we as an organization claim to be about high morality, somebody is eventually going to get r*ped or beaten in an elevator, and it's most likely going to be Butters.

Oh, no!

All right, I really didn't want to have to do this, but...

I'm not happy with the direction this company is taking.

Well, what are you gonna do? Go back to school?

I'm not going back there, man.

Maybe I'll start my own company.

Well, that's fine.

You can't call yourself Washington Redskins!

I don't want to! It's a stupid name!

Well, I guess everything's out on the table now, huh, Kyle?

Yeah, I guess -- I guess everything is.

Stan, do you think our name is stupid too?

I don't know.

But I don't know if my future is with this company either.

Well, then, I wish you both well in your new venture.

Goodbye.

Hang on. Is this the company where I don't r*ped?

Yeah, h-here, right? Okay, I-I'm staying here.

Is the league just going to sit by while my team and my players are compared to !sis?

You have to do something, Commissioner Goodell!

What are you going to do about this?

I will get it right and do whatever is necessary to accomplish that.

What?

We will continue to identify and add expertise to our team.

That's the most ridiculous, nothing answer I've ever heard.

What are you gonna do now?

Everyone will participate in education sessions starting in the next month.

Ugh! This thing is broken!

We can add -- And we will do more -- do more -- do more -- do more...

Get all the NFL owners on Skype!

This -- This thing is broken again!

And so I call upon the help of all owners --

You cannot let my people be belittled like this.

Dan, you don't want to be dealing with this stuff, let the Goodell-bot do it.

The stupid thing isn't working!

I will get it right.

Man, that thing hasn't worked right since we bought it.

Look, my team is starting to lose hope.

You have to use your influence to make these people change their name.

Did you tell them we're about honor and integrity?

If the Goodell-bot is broken, we must stay out of it more than even usual.

And so I'm alone?

What if they ridicule the 49ers' team next?

Or make fun of Jerry Jones because his eyes are too far apart?

My eyes aren't too far apart.

If we get them to change their logo, will it make you happy?

I-I guess we can live with that.

Then it is decided.

We will make them change their logo.

Begin mass-behind-the-scenes, under-the-table enforcement of our wishes now!

Go!

Thank God.

f*ck you, f*ck you!

f*ck you up there. f*ck you.

"f*ck you."

Those words mean a great deal to us.

They help us express just how we as a company see things differently.

There are a lot of start-up companies on Kickstarter, but after today I think you'll agree that Washington Redskins is the most exciting.

As you know, the Redskins have been on the forefront of Kickstarter as a company that is always finding new and exciting ways to tell people to go f*ck themselves.

And now our company is thrilled to show you all the latest innovations we've come up with.

To begin with, we have moved the couch from the left side of the office to the right side.

But we didn't stop there.

We also added a new rug that goes better with our office drapes.

And probably most exciting of all, we have actually updated the company from the inside out.

We received a lot of pressure from certain communities to change our Redskins logo.

As a company we want to be firm, but we also want to be flexible, and so we thought if we have to change our logo, it should be more in step with today's times but still define us as the leading Kickstarter company.

What we came up with is the new company logo that I think you'll all agree is very exciting.

Now when people hear the name "Redskins," they will immediately think "titties" and "balls."

It's just a bold new way that we can say, "We don't f*cking care."

Go, Redskins!

It's so awesome, dude.

Our company already has a hundred backers, and we still have 14 days to go!

Yeah.

You okay, bro?

I just never saw myself owning a company called Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table.

Give it time. It'll grow on you.

Why don't we just call it Untitled Start-up Company?

Because that sounds like we don't have anything.

We've been through this already, Stan.

Yeah, I know that.

But a good company should never have seven words in its title.

What do you mean?

I just feel that somewhere out there, there's a perfect start-up company name, and I need to be free to go find it.

Oh.

Well, I certainly don't want you to feel that Furry Balls Plopped Menacingly on the Table is holding you back.

Good luck with your company, dude.

Yeah. Good luck with yours.

It's just incredible, Harry.

Everyone is using Kickstarter for everything!

And for every project funded, we get 5%.

It's like we don't even have to do anything and we just make money.

Sitting on our asses, here we come.

Caw-caw. Caw-caw

Hoo-hoo. Hoo-hoo-hoo.

Huh?

Aah!

Aah!

Go-o-od morning, guys!

Happy deadline day! We made it, guys.

We can finally stop doing stuff and see just how much our company made in four, three, two, one --

That's the deadline!

Oh, boy, this is like Christmas morning!

What the hell? "Can't find the server"?

Kickstarter.com.

Kickstarter. Where is Kickstarter?

Get it up on your phone, Butters.

Come on, I want to know how much our company is worth!

It's not coming up on my phone either. I --

Holy Mother Mary!

Mrph?

Somebody raided Kickstarter and they burned the building to the ground!

What?! Somebody k*lled Kickstarter!

Who the hell would burn Kickstarter to the ground?

Oh, my God!

That weird, little Jewy guy!

Kyle!

What the hell is wrong?

"Can't find the server"? Kickstarter.

You son of a bitch! What?

You broke Kickstarter!

N-No, I just can't get it to load.

Nobody can! It's gone!

You just couldn't take it that our company was more successful than yours would ever be!

My company was on Kickstarter too!

Why would I get rid of it? Well, somebody did!

It doesn't matter, you guys.

There's something a lot more important here.

Do you guys remember when we first decided to start a company together?

We all had a common goal, and we weren't gonna let anything stop us from getting to the bro down.

But somewhere between starting up and selling out, we -- we lost our way.

We can't do this on our own. We need each other.

He's right. We should do a merger.

A merger?

It's too late for that, you guys!

Kickstarter is gone!

We don't have a company! We don't have anything!

Yes, we do.

We have a sweet name.

I was wrong, Cartman.

Washington Redskins is the perfect name.

I think maybe I was just jealous that I didn't come up with it.

It is really sweet.

And we always said that all we needed was a sweet name and the rest would figure itself out.

Yeah, we can do it, fellas! It'll be like old times!

What do you say, Cartman?

f*ck you!

f*ck you, everyone!

Yes, f*ck you all. Thanks!

How do you stay relevant in a volatile marketplace?

As you know, our goal at Washington Redskins is to not do anything and make money not doing it.

When Kickstarter went down, many saw their start-up projects die, but here at Washington Redskins we saw opportunity.

People still need a way to raise money for their stupid start-up projects, and with the Redskins you can now go fund yourself.

And the idea is simple.

You, the people, go out and raise all your own money, and give the Washington Redskins 5%.

You will literally be giving us money for doing absolutely nothing.

It is the biggest f*ck you we have ever come up with.

But we didn't stop there, because a new company direction also means, of course, a new and improved logo.

Go, Redskins!

A beautiful night in Arlington, Texas, as the Dallas Cowboys get set to take on the Washington Redskins.

That is, of course, Washington Redskins the football team, not Washington Redskins the audacious crowdfunding company.

Yeah, and if you ask me, the Redskins are a scam.

You're talking about the crowdfunding company Redskins.

That's right.

A-And now you've got t*rror1st groups like !sis using the Redskins to raise their money.

I don't like what the Redskins are doing.

Those Redskins. Yeah, whatever.

It's over.

Our name has been reduced to a stereotype and a joke.

Yeah, let's just go home.

No. No, we cannot give up!

We have been through too much together!

We have fought Eagle and Bear!

The Eagles only beat us by 3 points!

Yeah, but I just feel stupid wearing this now.

Yeah. Come on, guys.

Where will we go? What will we do?

Don't let them break you! Don't let them win!

And the Cowboys are still set to kick off, but there doesn't seem anyone to kick off to.

Yeah, and Jerry Jones must be happy.

This means a forfeit and another win for the Cowboys.

Wait a minute -- It appears a lone Redskin is making his way out of the locker room.

The Cowboys kick it off.

Hut!

Hut hut hut!

Aah! Aah!

Hut hut hut. Hut hut hut hut!

Ah! Aah!

Aah!

Hut! Hut hut hut.

Hut hut!

Aah! Aah!

Oh!

Just stay down, for the love of God!

Hut hut. Hut.

Aah! Aah!

Stop! Make it stop! Just stay down!

Please, just make him stay down!

Go, Redskins! Go, Redskins!

Boy, this is the life, huh, guys?

We finally did it!

I might just sit here until my ass fuses into the couch.

What the hell is that?

Whoa, whoa! What?

Change your name!

It doesn't belong in today's society!

Change our name?

But you all thought our name was sweet.

There's nothing sweet about a people who were decimated, a once proud nation that finally lost hope and left their leader to be massacred by Cowboys in a defiant last stand.

When was this?

Last night.

Until you change your name, we are asking all your subscribers to boycott you!

That's right.

!sis will no longer use your insensitive company for its fund-raising.

Yeah! All right!

Good for you, !sis!

What the hell do we do?

I guess we got to go back to school