So here's what you missed on Glee.
Sue sprung a surprise invitational on the New Directions and the Warblers and Vocal Adrenaline, and Will's team got to go first and they were amazing.
Kind of hard to see how they could lose.
Sue's a secret Klainer and obsessed with getting.
Kurt and Blaine back together, except Blaine's dating Karofsky and Kurt went on a date with a guy named Walter in his 50s.
KURT: How old are you exactly?
(Walter laughs)
Sue hypnotized Sam to mess with Will and Rachel.
SAM: Oh, my God, I'm totally hypnotized.
And now Will and Rachel are, like, actual show choir enemies.
And that's what you missed on Glee.
(applause)
Vocal Adrenaline, everybody.
Absolutely breathtaking, huh?
I am here to inform all three teams that I, Sue Sylvester, will be judging this year's McKinley High Show Choir Invitational.
What?
That's crazy.
I run this school now.
My school, my rules.
And speaking of rules, I would like to outline the rules for this year's invitational.
Wait, Sue, you can't change the rules after one team has already performed.
Sure I can.
Rule number one: this year's theme is "old school." Rule number two: there are no more rules.
The Dalton Academy Warblers will perform tomorrow, and The New Directions will perform the following day.
Wait, this is a three-day competition?
Where will we sleep?
I imagine you two will sleep inside one another.
I've chosen to extend the invitational in an effort to give the New Directions enough time to come up with the requisite 12 members, which is the only show choir rule anyone remembers and yet every year is surprised by.
This is insane.
We should all boycott.
Oh, no, no, no, Porcelain.
No, this is happening.
Each team will perform at this invitational.
Even if one show choir's co-director is kidnapped and held against his will, causing him to miss the performance.
(microphone feedback hums)
- Mr.
Schuester!
- Yes?
We had a deal that you would have Vocal Adrenaline perform at a subpar level, and you dishonored that agreement.
I never agreed to that.
I guess you'll just have - to b*at us on your own terms.
- You know what?
We're just gonna find a way to win on our own terms.
Which is exactly what you just said.
Wow, we have our work cut out for us.
Vocal Adrenaline was amazing.
We have two days.
We have to recruit more members and put together some sort of performance that doesn't totally humiliate us as a team.
Uh, I have an idea that you are not gonna like, but you need to consider.
We need to recruit Kitty.
- No, Kurt!
No!
- Rachel, come on.
She's talented.
She's a senior.
- Kurt, she hates me.
- You don't know that.
No, I do.
All of those kids do, okay?
I was so intent on being a Broadway star that I never even learned her name, or any of their names.
There was...
there was Puck's brother and-and then there was cross-dressing Mercedes and the one with the fat mom and whatever...
Raider.
- Ryder.
- See?
I was awful to them.
Well, I'm sorry, Rachel.
We don't have a choice.
We need to get Kitty.
Don't worry.
I'm gonna help you.
I'll be right by your side every step of the way.
You see that corner booth over there?
Back in the '90s, a lady gave birth on that very table.
I saw the whole damn thing.
She was just finishing up...
KURT: So I don't totally know what's going on here.
This is the second time Walter and I have gone out.
He's really funny and smart and very good looking for an older guy.
But I can't tell if he thinks this is a date or if we're just friends.
Okay, Kurt, whatever you do, do not just come out and ask him.
So what's going on here?
Would you consider this a date?
Damn it!
Do you want it to be a date?
Look, um, I had a lot of fun the last time that we hung out, so... yes.
To our second date.
To our second date.
Well, good evening, gentlemen.
My name is Susan and I will be taking care of you tonight.
Shall we start with something to drink?
Perhaps a Shirley Temple in a sippy cup for sonny?
Or how about a chalky can of Ensure, enriched with calcium to fortify those brittle bones?
Now, is your great-grand uncle in charge of his faculties or are you going to be feeding him?
Because I'll just need to alert the bus staff that I might be changing an adult diaper.
Excuse me.
I can hear everything you're saying.
Well, then allow me to personally thank you for being part of the greatest generation.
All right.
Here's a children's menu for baby.
And the early bird menu for old timers.
And, yes, of course, we have liver and onions.
I am so, so sorry.
Why?
I think this woman is hilarious.
And you have to understand, when you're as handsome as I am, very little bothers you.
And by the way, ma'am, just how old are you?
Thirty-four.
(laughs)
Ah.
I will be right back with your hemorrhoid pillow.
To our second date.
I'm gonna show you something.
Oh, Becky, this is Klaine.
And theirs is a love for the ages.
But, Coach, they're barely looking at each other.
Well, that's because their chemistry is so intense, Becky, if they were actually to make eye contact...
Oh, my...
the emotion would be such they'd have to disappear behind the nearest Dumpster and just hump, hump, hump, hump, hump.
Where did you get all these video clips?
I have cameras everywhere, Becky.
But is this, like, a dream sequence?
How could you film that?
Okay, Becky, shut up.
You're ruining this, honey.
But it looks like they don't even like each other.
Sweet, simple, Becky, you have so much to learn about love.
What are you talking about?
I have a hot boyfriend.
Look at them, Becky.
Have there ever been two human beings more meant for each other?
Oh.
And yet somehow, hackneyed circumstance and a pudgy ex-bully have somehow gotten between them.
I need to get these two into a small, confined space where they're forced to gaze into each other's eyes.
And then, Becky, then the stinky frottage will commence.
(school bell ringing)
Hey!
Your name is Kitty Wilde.
You were named after a Bruce Springsteen song.
You don't trust newspapers because you think that they lied about Watergate.
You once b*at up a mascot at a little league softball game for trying to start the wave with everyone.
You say that your favorite color is Jesus.
Oh, you prefer Triscuits over Wheat Thins.
And sometimes you don't wear underwear.
But I got that last one from Artie, so...
Are you trying to pick me up?
Because if you're gonna go lezzy with a cheerleader, I think the world's kind of rooting for you and Quinn Fabray.
I just want you to know that I've taken some time to get to know you, and that who you are is important to me.
So that I don't feel like I'm being used when you ask me to join the Glee Club?
- Pretty much.
- Look, Rachel.
You have a reputation for being an inherently selfish person.
You rarely ask people what they think, and when you do, it's usually in the context of.
"What do you think about me?" I took a chance and joined.
Mr. Schuester's Glee Club because I knew that even though it was gonna hurt my rep that it was being led by a kind man committed to teaching and that there were a bunch of kids in there that would have my back when things got hairy.
Now, what's there?
A chubber, a transfer student and a Bizarro Jaime and Cersei Lannister, and an advisor who's gonna jump ship as soon as the real world invites her back to the stage.
No, thanks.
(school bell ringing)
Kitty, we need you.
All right?
Your energy, your enthusiasm.
I don't know you very well, but I know that you love performing.
I did.
I did love it.
You can sing, you can dance.
And-and, yes, Santana's cruelty definitely scarred me for the rest of my life, but I know that the Glee Club needs a top bitch to keep everyone in line.
I invested everything into Glee Club.
And what did it get me?
They all deserted me.
The only reason I'm still here is because Sue needed me for Cheerios!
I miss singing and dancing and the feeling of being in the choir room.
But I know Sue...
and I know you.
And I don't want to jump back in just to have my heart broken again in a couple weeks when it all goes away.
Look.
This is real.
Okay?
I'm not going anywhere until my job here is done and the Glee Club is back at McKinley permanently.
Look, you have my word.
You come back, and we'll see this through together.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Hi!
Oh!
Hi.
Hi.
I thought you'd be in the auditorium.
The Warblers are about to go on.
No, no.
I know.
I-I just, um...
I've always wanted to use the McKinley faculty bathroom now that I'm sort of faculty myself.
Oh, so how was it?
It felt really grown up.
Oh, well, I'm headed back now.
Do you want to walk with me?
Yeah, that be nice.
(chuckles)
Oh, hey.
- Is that new?
- Oh, yeah.
I guess so.
That's convenient.
Yeah, sure, they get an elevator after I already graduate, so...
All those years of carrying up all those stairs.
Such a drag.
Were you here when we had to fight for that ramp outside?
Oh, I know.
That was weird, too.
You excited to watch the Warblers perform?
I am.
They're really good.
- How are the New Directions?
- Oh, you know.
They'll get there.
What a weird elevator.
Oh, my God, look, is this a...
is this a bathroom?
In an elevator?
I don't think we're moving.
Just press...
The doors...
the doors aren't opening.
- No, press the buttons.
- They're not...
Just press the emergency thing.
KURT: Hello?
Hello?
It should make a buzzing noise.
- Hello?
Hello?
- Hi!
Let's pry it open.
Let's just do one at the same...
at one time.
(grunting)
Ow!
I think we're locked in.
What kind of elevator is this?
(both gasp)
I don't think this is a real elevator.
- Hey, where's Kurt?
- I have no idea!
He's not answering any of my calls or texts or anything.
SUE: Oh, my goodness.
I have just been informed by the head Warbler...
Whose name is Tristan or Crispin or Montague or-or something annoyingly fay...
That their coach is currently missing.
Which, of course, is a shock to all of us.
Blaine, our hopes and prayers are with you.
But the show must go on.
Ladies and lady boys, I give you the Dalton Academy Warblers!
(The Knack's "My Sharona" begins)
(humming to music)
♪ My Sharona ♪ (humming to music)
♪ My Sharona ♪ ♪ Ooh, my little pretty one ♪ ♪ A pretty one ♪ ♪ When you gonna give me some time, Sharona?
♪ ♪ Ooh, you make my motor run, my motor run ♪ ♪ g*n it, coming off of the line, Sharona ♪ ♪ Never gonna stop, give it up ♪ ♪ Such a dirty mind, always get it up ♪ ♪ For the touch of the younger kind ♪ ♪ My, my, my, yi, yi ♪ ♪ Whoo!
♪ ♪ Ooh...
♪ ♪ My Sharona ♪ (humming to music)
♪ Whoo!
♪ (song ends, applause)
♪ You spin me right round ♪ ♪ Baby, right round ♪ ♪ Like a record, baby ♪ ♪ Right round, round, round ♪ (humming to music)
♪ If I ♪ ♪ I get to know your name ♪ ♪ Well, I ♪ ♪ Could trace your private number, baby ♪ ♪ All I know is that to me ♪ ♪ You look like you're having fun ♪ ♪ Open up your loving arms ♪ ♪ Watch out, here I come ♪ ♪ You spin me right round, baby, right round ♪ ♪ Like a record, baby ♪ ♪ Right round, round, round ♪ ♪ I want your love...
♪ ♪ All I know is that to me ♪ ♪ You look like you're lots of fun ♪ ♪ Open up your loving arms ♪ ♪ Watch out, here I come ♪ ♪ You spin me right round, baby, right round ♪ ♪ Like a record, baby, right round ♪ ♪ I need your love...
♪ ♪ You spin me right round ♪ ♪ Baby, right round ♪ ♪ Like a record, baby ♪ ♪ Right round, right round.
♪ (song ends, cheering)
Geez!
Gosh, you scared me.
How did you even...
And I'm already hypnotized.
Excellent.
I need you to listen to me carefully.
Operation Break Rachel's Heart.
While Sabotaging the New Directions is proceeding very nicely.
Have you thought about using a shorter name for the operation?
Your next objective is to convince the glee club to perform these three musical numbers at the invitational tomorrow.
It'll be the worst glee club set list in human history.
Song number one: "Ascension Millennium" by Corey Feldman.
I don't know why Corey Feldman is writing songs.
I don't know why he wrote this particular song.
All I know is that the first time I heard this song, I literally could not move.
Song number two: "Dear Mr. Jesus," a song about the horrors of child abuse that actually makes you want to go out and locate a child for the express purpose of b*ating him up.
And the third and final song in the worst glee club set list of all time: Tammy Wynette and KLF's...
"Justified and Ancient." Hands down, the worst song ever written.
Got it.
Outstanding.
Hello, Officer, yes, I would like to file a missing persons report.
Um, my friend, Kurt Hummel, he didn't show up for work today.
My name is Rachel Berry.
Yes, that was my TV show.
Yes, I've taken acting classes before.
You know what, sir, that is very rude of you, and...
Hello?
Hello?
(sighs)
Sam, hey, uh, have you heard - from Kurt or Blaine at all?
- Relax, they're probably at Sheets N' Things registering for their wedding.
No, they're just friends now.
No, they're endgame like us, and to prove my love, I am going to guarantee you an invitational championship.
Boom, you're welcome.
"Justified and Ancient,." "Ascension Millennium,." "Dear Mr. Jesus." - Sam, I don't, I don't know any of these songs.
- Oh, you will.
And as your future husband, I demand that you do them.
- Oh, God, you're hot.
- Wait, wait.
What's wrong with you?
I'm crazy in love with you.
Sam, you told me two days ago that you were in love with Mercedes.
That old hag?
Sam!
No, look, I just...
I'm sorry.
Look, it feels really good to have a guy be into me right now, but I just, I have so much going on.
I need my friends, and honestly you're starting to freak me out a little bit.
Okay, I-I'm really sorry.
I don't really understand what's been going on with me lately.
I just have these big gaps in my memory.
Like, even bigger than normal.
Okay, look, I promise none of that will happen again.
Whatever you want me to do, uh, just let me know.
I'm here.
Well, can you help me find Kurt?
And, oh, if you really want to get in my good graces, then you can help me find seven new members for the glee club.
All right, I'm on it.
Oh, and, Sam, I'm sorry, I-I'm not gonna use these.
Might be a huge mistake, but I have to start trusting my own instincts.
(banging)
Stop banging!
No one can hear you.
Well, why don't you use your phone?
I'm at four percent.
(sighs)
It just d*ed.
You got to stop charging every night.
I've told you a hundred times.
There's no reception in here anyway.
(groans loudly)
(sighs)
Well, at least we got that bathroom.
God, I am losing my mind.
We've got to find a way out of here.
(wheels creaking)
Yeah, I don't...
SUE (distorted, evil voice): Hello, Klaine.
Let's play a game.
You're trapped in an elevator.
This isn't an elevator.
You're trapped in an elevator with a bathroom.
If you don't find a way out, you'll be forced to eat each other and then suffocate.
But you have another choice.
What?
You and Blaine must kiss.
If you kiss each other, you will be allowed to leave this room.
That's ridiculous.
That's easy.
That's all we got to do?
Okay.
Here we go.
Here we go.
Blaine and I are about to kiss.
Ready?
There.
No, not like that.
I want to see you really go at it.
Just let us out, please!
Just, no.
We're not gonna do that.
Fine, be that way.
You're in for a long night, as the temperature of this elevator with a bathroom rises and rises, and you'll be forced to remove more and more clothes.
(evil laugh)
This is insane.
How will you resist each other?
Scantily clad, burning with desire, enjoying a romantic dinner for two of roasted corn salad and seared lamb tapenade, paired perfectly with a bottle of playful, full-bodied Cabernet with just the right amount of spice.
(wheels creaking)
Don't fight the Klaine romance.
The choice is yours.
Come on, no!
Come on!
Come on!
We are not gonna...
- kiss for your amusement.
- Oh, God.
What's in this?
(gasps)
Oh.
Oh, that's...
RACHEL: Oh, this is a fun one.
Okay, fine.
I'm in.
Oh, my God, amazing.
- Where is everybody?
- Oh, I called everyone and pushed glee rehearsal for an hour because I'm still trying...
To come up with a set list for a performance you're giving tomorrow?
That's so Mr. Shue.
I can't decide if that's sad or adorable.
The answer is adorable.
It's just that Sue is judging, and if she wasn't, then I'd have it, but I know she's gonna hate anything that I pick.
I know.
You know what song she'd like?
No, but I know where to find them.
I probably shouldn't be letting you do this, being that you're a student and all.
Plus, we're probably being recorded.
No, I already cut the main line to the security cameras and the alarm.
Look, I may not have lived in some vague outer borough of New York City, but there's a reason I'm the only glee kid who survived Sue Sylvester's regime at McKinley.
Because I'm ruthless, too.
Wait, how do you know her password?
I bribed Becky with a box of smuggled Mexican Twinkies.
She's got a thing for third-world snack cakes made with real sugar and animal shortening.
I don't want to know what ThunderBolton69 means, but she hasn't changed it in years.
Okay, so what exactly are we looking for?
Sue has a secret playlist of songs that she's so emotionally vulnerable to that they're hidden in an encrypted, password-protected folder only she can access.
Wait, how do you have that password?
Nicaraguan Ding-Dongs.
Take a look at these.
Dude, it's almost 9:00.
Wow, that is some serious commitment.
Well, now that Beiste is gone and you're coach, I assumed I'm gonna be starting QB.
So I got to be ready, right?
Yeah, um, actually, I kind of...
changed my mind about that.
What?
What are you talking about, man?
You told me that I was gonna be starting.
Well, you know, you got the arm for it, but, uh, quarterbacks are leaders, not cowards.
(scoffs)
Are you calling me a wussy?
Yes, I am, actually.
I am calling you a wussy.
You don't think I've noticed you skulking around the glee club or I haven't seen you coincidentally reading a book just outside the choir room during rehearsal?
I'm walking a tightrope, man.
I've got no wiggle room.
I got to be tougher, stronger and more manly than everyone else on the team because if they smell even a little bit of gay on me, I'm not their teammate anymore.
I'm just another h*m*.
Dude, that's not true, okay?
Times have changed.
If I join the glee club, everything I worked so hard for, it's ruined.
But you want to join.
(chuckles)
Of course I do.
I'm a freakin' rock star, man.
All right.
But I'm stuck singing and dancing alone in my bedroom, because I don't want anyone to think that I'm gay.
Look, man.
(sighs)
Every movement needs a leader, someone to step out in the light and say, "Hey, this is me.
This is who I am, and this is what I stand for." Look, I get it.
High school is tough.
But you can do this.
And they...
they will lose their judgment as soon as you lose yours.
I got your back here, dude.
And that guy right there, Finn, was one of my best friends, and he was the quarterback here.
And when he joined the glee club, it changed everything here forever.
Pick up where he left off, and it'll be the best thing that's ever happened to you.
(sighs)
I thought you said you'd never join the glee club again.
Well, someone has to stop you from marrying your brother.
Oh, uh, Rachel, there's a policeman in your office.
(sighs)
Finally.
Thank you so much for coming.
My friends are missing...
What are you doing?
You're gonna have to speak up.
I got a bum ear.
Scarlet fever.
I know you.
You're the Deaf Choir coach.
Was the Deaf Choir coach.
Oh, yeah, our funding got cut!
Again.
And maybe my kids don't always sing on key or stay on the b*at, but they got a song in their heart, and that's worth more than all the tea in China.
I guarantee you, we will be back.
- Okay.
- But right now, I got to make a living, so I'm a part-time cop, part-time mixed martial arts instructor.
I hear your friends are missing.
What are you doing?
Uh, I'm sorry, we're looking for my friends Kurt and Blaine.
First we got to find Kurt Hummel and Blaine Anderson.
I'm-I'm so sorry.
I'm just really worried about my friends.
You're probably worried about them, but I wouldn't if I were you, because ten to one, they've eloped to New York where they belong.
You don't belong there; you're a quitter.
You quit Broadway, you did that horrible TV show.
You get what you deserve, sister.
And that Karofsky fellow...
ugh.
There's no way Blaine is ending up with him.
That hairy sack of crap, one time, cut me off at a light - and gave me the finger.
- I'm sor...
Once a bully, always a bully, I say.
I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if he kidnapped them.
Wait a minute.
Maybe it was you.
Funny Girl comes right back to town, gets jealous of - her more talented friends...
- What?
...so she chops them up into little bits...
Okay...
...puts them on her Hibachi and feeds them to the new kids, 'cause they're so naive they'd do anything you asked.
- All right, I get it.
- Uh-huh.
You get a lawyer.
I'll do that.
Don't you leave town.
Okay.
Uh, why don't we just do what we rehearsed?
The-the Bruno Mars set list was too predictable.
These songs are more unassuming.
They create an emotional resonance.
Um, no disrespect, but we don't have time for a weekly lesson.
Roderick is right.
Maybe we should just stick to our original plan.
Or we could shut our traps and trust our teacher.
Because, the last time I checked, Rachel Berry has more talent in her little finger than anyone in this stinkin', rotten town.
(sighs)
Look, I'm gonna be perfectly honest with you.
Sue Sylvester hates me.
She always has.
And now she hates you guys for joining the only club in the school that she can't control.
But it's not about winning a competition.
It's about being able to walk down the hallway and-and face Sue Sylvester...
Or any Sue Sylvester that you meet for the rest of your life and-and show them that we may not always win, but we're not gonna go down without a fight.
So if you guys want to quit, now is the time.
You'll probably have an easier experience at this school if you do.
But if you don't want to, then we'll just stay here and-and we'll work super hard and put our noses to the grindstone and we might even have to pull an all-nighter.
An all-nighter?
That's amazing!
Yeah, and we can order pizza and root beer and have, like, a party.
I'm s...
Are-are you joining us?
You want to win, don't you?
(laughing): Yes!
Yes!
Yes, we do!
(excited chatter)
(Kurt and Blaine talking quietly)
KURT: No, it's-it's the to-go breadsticks.
We're definitely not gonna kiss later, 'cause I just had, like, a ton of...
Now one, two, three, go.
Yes, okay, I know.
On three.
On three means...
One, two, three.
Go.
(talking quietly)
I'll be right back.
Hey.
Look, Rachel, I get that you're mad at me, but I have a job to do, and that's coaching Vocal Adrenaline.
I'm sorry.
I was totally out of line.
You were right.
You were just doing your job...
Which, by the way, is a lot harder than you made it out to be when you were teaching us.
I know I'm not your student anymore, but you taught me a very important lesson in being a teacher, which is that you have to be devoted to your kids.
Well, between you and me, it's a lot harder to be devoted to kids I don't particularly like.
(chuckles)
Sorry.
How are your kids doing?
Are they...
they ready?
They're good.
Actually, I'm kind of dying.
I just...
I want them to be so good.
I-I don't know.
It's weird.
I want this part to be over with.
No, no, no.
No.
Enjoy this.
Enjoy the beginning and the not knowing and the...
and the first steps with them.
Because one day, years from now, you'll be talking to one of them and you'll be amazed by the man or woman they've become.
- Thanks, Mr.
Shue.
- Yeah.
(chuckles)
You are welcome.
But I am still a little upset with you.
I mean, all I did was put the best team I could on that stage.
You were the one that started in with the dirty tricks, like sending Sam to steal my mail.
I didn't do that.
- Sue.
- Sue.
SUE: Hey!
Let's move this thing along, huh?
These rotten tomatoes are getting restless.
Great.
Appreciate her, too.
A good nemesis only makes you better.
(clicks tongue)
Break a leg.
Well, that can't be good.
Okay, you ready for this?
All right, cool.
Here we go.
Oh!
Okay.
This is, this is a, uh, a creamy pasta dish.
And we said that if we ever had a celebrity child, this is what we would name it.
- Fettuccini Alfredo.
- Yes!
Yes.
- I always liked that name.
- Yeah.
- Alfredo.
- The little fettuccine.
- Little-little feta.
- Aw...
- Um, all right.
- Mm-hmm.
Um, okay.
If...
if I was an ironic rapper, this would be my name.
- Ironic rapper.
- Okay.
We-we drink it when we, um...
when we were, when we were playing...
when we were ice skating at Bryant Park.
- Definitely would have to be something with...
- Um...
- ...hot chocolate.
- Yes!
Yes.
- Hot chocolate.
- Mm-hmm.
That would be your ironic rapper name.
Good one.
Good job.
You would be MC Hot Chocolate.
MC Hot Chocolate.
Oh, the life I never lived.
What a tragedy.
You're in the wrong profession.
What are you, a teacher now?
Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.
- You're blowing it.
Okay, my turn.
MC Hot Chocolate is calling your name.
All right.
Okay.
Um, okay, this is a dessert.
It's cold.
Uh...
- Um, it comes in a cart...
- Parfait.
Oh, uh, Dave eats this all the time.
(laughs): Like, he...
a little too much, if you ask me.
He eats so much of this...
So hot in here, I think I'm gonna be sick.
(wheels creaking)
SUE (distorted, evil voice): Because you refuse to give back to the world the Klaine romance you're depriving it...
A romance it so desperately needs...
We're going to change the game a little.
(quiet hissing)
What is that?
SUE: It's the drug Tadalifil in aerosol form.
And it's filling this room right now.
It promotes sexual stimulation by increased blood flow to the male genitalia.
(evil laugh)
Try to resist the love you have for one another, Klaine.
Just know that if you choose to resist, you choose to die.
The choice is yours.
I want to get out of here.
It's just so hot, and...
Yes.
Not sexually hot.
It's just actually hot, and I want to go home, I want to get out of here.
Yes.
Listen to Blaine.
Ladies and gentlemen, on behalf of everyone at McKinley, I sincerely apologize for the New Directions.
(scattered applause)
(whoops)
Yeah!
(Whoops)
(Roxette's "It Must Have Been Love" begins)
♪ It must have been love ♪ ♪ But it's over now ♪ ♪ Lay a whisper ♪ ♪ On my pillow ♪ ♪ Leave the winter ♪ ♪ On the ground...
♪ Why don't we just decide beforehand that this doesn't have to mean anything?
We make a promise right now that it means nothing.
Let's do what we have to do.
♪ And all around ♪ ♪ Touch me now ♪ ♪ I close my eyes ♪ ♪ And dream away ♪ ♪ It must have been love ♪ ♪ But it's over now...
♪ So we're in agreement.
Yeah.
This...
doesn't mean anything.
The only reason that we're doing this is because it's the only way that Sue's gonna let us out.
Because Sue is forcing us.
Forcing us.
♪ The water flows ♪ ♪ It's where the water flows...
♪ On the count of three.
One...
two...
three.
♪ When I'm in love...
♪ Yes!
♪ It must have been love ♪ ♪ But it's over now ♪ ♪ It must have been good ♪ ♪ But I lost it somehow...
♪ Congratulations, Klaine.
(elevator bell dings)
♪ But it's over now ♪ ♪ It's where the water flows ♪ ♪ It's where the wind blows ♪ ♪ It must have been love...
♪ ♪ It must have been love ♪ ♪ Must have been love...
♪ Kurt!
Blaine!
♪ Must have been love.
♪ (applause)
I'm sorry that we're late.
- Oh, my God, where have you been?
- Hi.
You missed the Warblers.
They were really, really good though.
- Hey.
- Hi.
- Where were you?
- It's a long story.
- You changed the set list?
- It's a long story.
(George Michael's "Father Figure" begins)
We got Kitty.
And Spencer?
Yeah, well, that was thanks to Sam.
♪ That's all I wanted ♪ ♪ Something special, something sacred ♪ ♪ In your eyes ♪ ♪ For just one moment ♪ ♪ To be bold and naked...
♪ All my emotional triggers...
How can this be?
♪ Sometimes I think that you'll never ♪ ♪ Understand me ♪ ♪ Understand ♪ ♪ Understand, understand me ♪ ♪ But something tells me together ♪ ♪ We'd be happy ♪ ♪ Whoa, whoa, baby ♪ ♪ I will be your father figure ♪ ♪ Oh, baby ♪ ♪ Put your tiny hand in mine ♪ ♪ I'd love to ♪ ♪ I will be your preacher, teacher ♪ ♪ Be your daddy ♪ ♪ Anything you have in mind ♪ ♪ It would make me...
♪ BOB DOLE (over TV): I would say to the young people and all the others involved, it's a lot more fun winning.
It hurts to lose an election, but stay involved and keep fighting the good fight.
JOHN McCAIN: A little while ago, I had the honor of calling Senator Barack Obama to congratulate him...
(crowd booing)
(Sue booing)
Please.
MITT ROMNEY: I have just called President Obama (Sue groans)
to congratulate him on his victory.
♪ So when you remember the ones who have lied ♪ ♪ Who said that they cared ♪ ♪ But then laughed as you cried ♪ ♪ Beautiful darling ♪ ♪ Don't think of me ♪ ♪ Because all I ever wanted ♪ ♪ I will be your father figure ♪ ♪ Put your tiny hand in mine ♪ ♪ I will be your preacher, teacher ♪ ♪ Anything you have in mind, baby ♪ ♪ I will be your father figure ♪ ♪ I have had enough of crimes ♪ ♪ I will be the one who loves you ♪ ♪ Till the end of time ♪ ♪ I will be your father...
♪ ♪ I will be your...
♪ ♪ I will be your preacher ♪ ♪ Father...
♪ ♪ I will be your father ♪ ♪ I'll be your daddy ♪ ♪ I will be the one who loves you ♪ ♪ Till the end of ♪ ♪ Time...
♪ (Air Supply's "All Out of Love" begins)
♪ I'm lying alone ♪ ♪ With my head on the phone ♪ ♪ Thinking of you till it hurts ♪ ♪ I know you hurt, too ♪ ♪ But what else can we do?
♪ ♪ Tormented and torn apart ♪ ♪ I wish I could carry your smile in my heart ♪ ♪ For times when my life seems so low ♪ ♪ It would make me believe ♪ ♪ What tomorrow could bring ♪ ♪ When today doesn't really know ♪ ♪ Doesn't really know ♪ ♪ I'm all out of love ♪ ♪ I'm so lost without you ♪ ♪ I know you were right ♪ ♪ Believing for so long ♪ ♪ I'm all out of love ♪ ♪ What am I without you?
♪ ♪ I can't be too late ♪ ♪ To say that I was so wrong ♪ ♪ What...
♪ ♪ What are you thinking of?
♪ ♪ La, la, what are you thinking of...
♪ ♪ I'm all out of love ♪ ♪ I'm so lost without you ♪ ♪ I know you were right ♪ ♪ Believing for so long ♪ ♪ I'm all out of love ♪ ♪ What am I without you?
♪ ♪ I can't be too late ♪ ♪ To say that I was so wrong...
♪ ♪ Whoa...
♪ (applause)
(song ends)
Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
In third place, and just not doing a very good job at all, ladies and gentlemen, from Dalton Academy, - the Warblers.
- What?
You really didn't do a very good job.
Congratulations.
And in second place, this year's runner-up and winner of this bedazzled bowling pin I found in the Dumpster, from Carmel High, Vocal Adrenaline.
(single person clapping)
Congratulations.
- Thank you.
- Yeah.
SUE: And finally, first place for this year's invitational...
I don't know how they did it, because they were sitting on stools, singing in unison...
Ladies and gentlemen, from McKinley High, New Directions!
(cheering)
(laughter)
(applause)
I'm sorry, Clint.
I-I know that you feel disappointed.
Disappointed?
Look, it's not always about winning.
Come on, please.
You screwed us, Schuester.
You care more about your little prodigal troll, Rachel Berry, than us.
I'm a senior; this matters to me.
So you better watch your back.
Don't talk to me like that.
I'm your coach and your teacher.
We'll see about that.
Like what you see?
(chuckles)
Sweet William, here we are again.
Well, I hope you're happy, Sue.
Oh, I am.
I'm absolutely over the moon, actually.
Something profound happened to me out there, listening to that music.
I've purged the anger.
Well, I'm happy for you, Sue.
Oh, I'm happy for me, too.
(chuckles)
And if you...
ever...
litter at my school again and expect me to clean it up, you sorry excuse for a stain on a dead tramp's lacy panties, I swear to sweet holy Satan, I will end you.
Hello, Klaine.
Stop calling us that!
Are you aware we could have you locked up in a federal prison for 20 years?
What you did to us falls under the legal definition of kidnapping.
I genuinely have no idea what you're talking about.
Are you kidding?
We were locked in an overheated elevator with a little Sue Sylvester thing in a tracksuit and on-on a tricycle with a hideous papier-mâché face.
Remember that?
Honestly, my first thought: Becky did it.
- I can't.
This is pointless.
- You know what?
Wait.
Wait, wait, wait.
Hold on a sec.
Y-You know...
you know what, Sue?
Whatever you were trying to do, I want you to know that...
it backfired.
Because all it really did was help Kurt and I get over whatever resentment and whatever bitterness we were holding in, and it made us realize that-that we are...
we're-we're just better as friends, okay?
So we should actually thank you.
Well, then thank me.
- Thank you.
- Don't actually thank her.
So...
Klaine is no more, huh?
Okay.
Well, guess I'll have to find a new hobby, like operating a bookmaking outfit that runs the numbers on which of your current boyfriends dies first.
The gropey geriatric that Porcelain reads the newspaper to or the bloated, suicidal, diabetic ex-bully that the gay, shaven, teenage Tom Selleck chooses to bone.
Becky, this space feels more like somebody's memory of a storage unit, and that memory is fading.
It's like there was never anything here but jungle.
What are you talking about?
And time, well, time is a flat circle.
And we have had a most awesome week, Becky.
Honestly, what we accomplished in this week makes it feel like two weeks.
Your plan didn't work out.
Kurt and Gay Blaine aren't together.
Oh, Becky.
(chuckles)
I've got Klaine right where I want them.
See here?
Right on schedule.
Week five, Klaine friends again.
We still have six more weeks for scheming, possibly seven, depending on network preemptions.
This is kind of garbage.
That's not even a real trophy.
It's a start.
From small things, big things one day come.
Hold up, Rachel.
I got this.
Listen up, noobs.
We just went up against the two best show choirs in the state.
They were full of seniors who have been working together for years.
They thought they were gonna come into our house and push us around.
But now they all went home feeling like their willies are two inches shorter.
Now, I expect to make fun of all of you at some point.
Fat kid, gay boy, creepy incest twins, other girl.
But I never want to hear any of you disparaging the things that we do as a team.
Got it?
Um...
can I just say something?
I just wanted to say thank you to Ms.
Berry and Mr.
Hummel for, you know, bringing us all together and helping us do so well up there.
You guys are both really good teachers.
Thank you.
As your teachers, we just want to say how proud of you guys we are.
I mean, I never would've thought coming back here that I would step on a stage without disintegrating into a puddle, but thank you, guys, so much just for...
(whispering): I heard she tends to make everything about herself.
(whispering): Shh, if you're gonna say things like that to me, you need to use your psychic inside voice.
- KURT: It's just the beginning, guys.
- Got it?
Everyone put your hand in.
I'm gonna lead you through an ancient Glee tradition.
All right, on three, give me an "amazing." Kitty, count us in.
- KITTY: One, two, three.
- ALL: Amazing!