04x01 - The Boyfriend

[bunniefuu]

- (BABY CRYING)

- HAILEY: Rodrigo?

Baby's up.

- (CRYING CONTINUES)

- Okay.

(SHUSHING)

Oh, come here.

Shh.

- It's okay.

Shh, shh...

- (SECOND BABY CRYING)

Okay.

Hey.

Ooh.

Shh.

I could really use some help right now.

Rodrigo!

- Rodrigo!

- (SEVERAL BABIES CRYING)

Where the hell are you?!

- I'm here, Hai Lai.

- Okay, good.

Uh, Ludwig and Gustav need another bottle.

And Igor and Wolfgang need to be changed.

Oh, but I can't, Hai Lai, 'cause I'm-I'm doing this amazing piece with these Yanomami musicians.

- You know, it's incredible, eh?

- (BABIES CONTINUE CRYING)

But I can give you some of this hallucinogenic powder

- up your nose.

- Okay.

Lift your head.

Okay?

Ready?

Okay.

(SHOUTS)

(GASPS)

(SIGHS)

♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ I just had the most intense dream.

What dream?

We had eight babies.

- Or maybe there were more.

- Mm.

There were just too many to count.

(GASPS)

That's a great dream.

(PHONE RINGING)

- One sec.

- Sweetie, it's : a.m.

What did you call me?

- Sorry.

- Eh.

Ja.

Horst!

(CHUCKLES)

Hallo.

Ja.

Ja.

(SPEAKING GERMAN)

I'm having a conversation with people from all over Europe.

You know?

I'm sorry, sweetie.

Um, I'll be, I'll be one second.

Let's not do the "sweetie" thing though, 'cause it reminds me of my parents, and...

Parents?

Yeah.

(SPEAKING FRENCH)

Why don't I ever meet your parents?

Because I don't want you to go running for the hills just yet.

And I'll just be back in, like, two days.

- It'll be a really quick trip.

- Guys, I have to hang up.

Yeah.

A pretty girl came in.

Yes.

Okay?

Bye-bye.

Ciao.

Bye-bye.

Bye.

It's : a.m.

Mm-hmm.

We've never had sex at : a.m.

(CHUCKLES)

I don't think that that's possible.

No, we haven't.

They say that : a.m.

sex is very incredible.

Oh, well, maybe we should do that before it becomes...

- : a.m.

sex.

- Mm, mm.

Okay.

- (LAUGHING)

- Let's go now.

One, two, three.

Esto.

- (GRUNTS)

- Is that my phone?

Uh, yeah.

Do you mind if I use it?

- For a little while.

- (CHUCKLES)

Did you guys have sex at, like, : a.m.?

Yes, we did, Shawn.

We did.

It was good.

It was really nice.

Thank you.

I didn't know that you could hear that.

Well, the tuba player next door could probably hear it, and he's deaf.

Oh, well, at least there's one couple here having sex.

I heard that.

Good.

I meant for you to.

What is for breakfast?

It's a zucchini flower frittata...

no flor de calabaza...

and some papaya.

Oh, which you cut into little musical notes.

RODRIGO: Yes.

And some pan dulce there.

And that, which is...

I don't know how to say it in English.

It's zapote.

- I don't know how to say it.

- And I made coffee.

Mmm.

I can't keep eating like this.

- Rodrigo?

- RODRIGO: Yes, Shawn.

Are you living here now?

- What?

- Mm.

I just asked if your boyfriend is living here now.

- Boyfriend?

- Um...

I've never been called a boyfriend before.

This is the first time.

- Boyfriend.

- Ooh...

(CHUCKLES)

Why would you think he was living here?

'Cause he's been here every night this week.

- Which is not a problem.

- No, not at all.

But it's just that I'm a little short on rent this week,

- and...

Sebastian.

- Shawn.

RODRIGO: Rent.

Yeah, I know.

It's a crime to make musicians pay the rent.

- And yet they do.

- Well, uh, how 'bout I pay the rent for one year?

- Um...

no.

- SHAWN: Oh.

But...

Well, why not?

Because you are not my sugar daddy.

But you call me "sweetie" all the time.

I know.

That's different.

You can be my sugar daddy.

- No problem.

No problem.

- Stop throwing yourself at him.

By the way, congratulations on the review for the Ralph Vaughan Williams today.

- Don't say the R-word.

- Review?

"The New York Symphony is reaching new heights under the steadily maturing hands of Maestro DeSousa." See?

"Steadily maturing"?

Give me that.

Thank you, Shawn.

"Steadily maturing." Ah, f*ck!

- (GASPS)

- Puta madre!

Ay!

(STAMMERS)

Puta madre.

- HAILEY: Hey.

Okay.

- It's bullshit.

- Come back.

- Yeah, yeah.

- It's fine.

- I'm sorry, it's just...

You know, it's what it is, you know?

The review thing.

It's...

It's my problem.

It's not yours.

And it's nobody else's.

It's f*cking bullshit.

It's good.

Ciao.

Bye, sweetie.

MAN: Hey, was that...?

Oh, no, it just looks like him.

(VIOLIN PLAYING CLASSICAL MUSIC)

(SOFT PATTERING)

Pavel, when is it normal, in a normal romantic relationship, to meet your lover's parents?

I hear rats.

Do you hear rats?

It stopped.

(SIGHS)

You?

You?

Bob the Union, what do you think?

First time I met my wife's parents was when they came to help her move her stuff out of our place during the divorce.

They were really nice.

- sh*t.

- (SIGHS)

Hi, guys!

I'm back!

And this is my oboe lesson.

- And this is my oboe teacher, Hailey.

- Hi.

Okay, g*ng, so, to play the oboe, you have to blow really hard between, like, these pieces of straw...

let me show you guys...

and it makes your neck puff out and look horrible.

So, Hailey, why did you want to be a oboe player?

So I could look horrible.

It was really good, guys.

Really good rehearsal.

- Really good, Bob the Union, yes.

- Thank you.

Hey, what...

Second oboe, second oboe.

Arlen, yes?

Yes, man, I mean, you know, it's a little bit late.

Oh.

Was I?

I'm sorry.

I...

- I...

- No, just, like, a little bit stiff, you know?

Like, you were not, like, playing with the blood, you know?

I do not...

I...

With no blood at all, really.

Like-like a corpse.

Almost like-like a dead man.

You-you were actually playing like a dead guy.

Oh, God, I'm sorry, Maestro.

I...

But everyone else was really good.

It was really good.

- Yes.

Yes, yes.

Yes, yes.

- Oh, thanks.

Thank you, Maestro.

Maestro, I'm just double-checking that you'll be at the capital committee meeting for the building fund today.

(CHUCKLES)

Gloria, come on, I don't believe in capital punishment.

What are you talking about?

So you'll be there?

(PLAYING LIGHT CLASSICAL MUSIC)

Good.

Good.

Masterful.

Good.

Watch the flies.

Close your mouth.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Hold it, hold it, hold it.

- What the hell is that?

- What?

What-what is this?

I mean, it looks like you're tickling an elephant's balls.

It's pure Rodrigo.

Come up with your own conducting quirks.

What if I don't have any?

Oh, please.

Come on.

You know you're a freak.

Stop trying to hide it.

Thank you.

sh*t, I didn't know that I was imitating him.

It's to be expected, isn't it?

I mean, you've spent half your life looking up at him from the woodwind section.

You're his drone.

I'm not his drone.

- Take that back.

- Oh, I hit a nerve?

Oh, did you hear back from the competition in Tokyo yet?

I don't think I'll get in.

"I don't think I'll get in." Well, I think you will.

And when you do, don't imitate Rodrigo, who, by the way, he seems to be imitating himself these days.

What's that mean?

It means the orchestra has been playing it f*cking safe ever since he got back from Italy.

Needs a conductor with some balls.

Or ovaries.

Big f*cking ovaries.

(CHUCKLES)

Come on.

RODRIGO: Hey, pal.

Hey.

Aren't you supposed to be inside?

- I got kicked out.

- Kicked out?

Kicked out by who?

The m*therf*cking conductor.

m*therf*cking conductor?

Why did he kick you out for?

'Cause I can actually play and everyone else sucks.

Ah, that's unfair.

That's really unfair, man.

Aren't you a little bit too old to be smoking?

You mean a little too young?

No, no, no.

I quit when I was , Ricky.

How'd you know my name?

I know your name 'cause you-you know my name, hmm?

- Sure.

- So I...

- Maestro R-Rodrigo.

- (COUGHS)

The taco guy.

"Delgado's super, super hard tacos." Aye, aye, aye, aye, aye.

Stop it.

No, yes.

- Tacos, tacos, tacos, tacos, tacos.

- Yes, yes.

No, no.

No, no.

Really, no, no.

Brings me bad memories, flashbacks, the horrors.

Yes, well, anyway, let's-let's go in, let's go in.

Let's see how the orchestra is doing.

- They suck.

- I know, man, I know, but, you know, there's this, uh, superhero called Kalimán, who used to say...

(SPEAKING SPANISH)

Like, serenity and patience.

(PLAYING OFF-KEY SCALES)

I told you they suck.

Yeah.

Well, I mean, that-that's because they're missing their star percussionist.

Go, go, go.

Go over there.

(SPEAKS SPANISH)

(MUSIC STOPS)

Maestro, we're getting there.

- Baby steps.

- Yes, yes.

For a baby, a baby step is just a step.

Right.

I thought I told you to go home.

Unless you're ready to behave?

- If I don't, will you spank me?

- (KIDS LAUGH)

Maestro, he's disrupting the other kids.

RODRIGO: Just throw a baton at him.

Maestro Rivera used to do that to me.

(GRUNTS)

I'd love to, but then I'd get arrested.

Well, he ducks...

- Can we talk for a minute?

- Yes.

Okay, Maestro, there's a few issues we have to deal with.

Issues, issues.

Let's talk about the issues.

The shipment of free violin bows came in from Dusseldorf, and they have termites in them.

sh*t.

What happened to Dusseldorf?

I used to love Dusseldorf.

And we need to hire a woodwinds coach.

And the, oh, the brass teacher took a job in Wisconsin.

What's Wisconsin?

A state.

The state of Wisconsin.

Wisconsin is a state?

Wisconsin?

Wiscon-Wisconsin.

Wisconsin.

I think you're wrong.

I think it's not a state.

The boys' toilet's broken again.

Ah, I'll fix that.

I'll fix that.

We can't keep putting off the meeting with the school board.

- Mm.

- And the kids need lockers to put their stuff in.

And we need more practice instruments.

Okay, I have an idea.

Come.

Come, follow me.

Follow me.

- (INSTRUMENTS WARMING UP)

- (KIDS CHATTERING)

Everyone, listen up.

It has come to my attention that there are several issues regarding lockers, school boards, violins...

- Toilets.

- Toilets.

And toilets, yes, toilets.

And I know just the right person that's gonna solve those issues.

- Gloria?

- No.

Ludwig van Beethoven.

Yes.

In two months, the Maestro Rivera Youth Orchestra is gonna perform at August Memorial Hall, Beethoven's Fifth.

Funfte!

(KIDS CHEERING)

They can't do that.

Oh, they can, they can.

- No, they can't.

- They need a goal.

They need a...

a windmill to fight against.

Aye.

Almost.

Yeah, we can f*cking do this sh*t.

Eso.

Wait.

We can do it, but stop the language, okay?

Like, it's not cool right now.

I quit.

Okay.

No, you're fired.

I quit.

- No, you're fired.

- Quit.

- Fired.

- I quit.

- He's fired.

Fine, fine, fine.

- I quit!

You're fired.

It's fine.

Fired.

How many...

We've had, like, three al-already, no?

- KIDS: Yeah.

- Okay, okay.

Okay, let's go for the fourth one.

- ♪♪ - (PHONE RINGING)

- Hi, Cynthia.

- RODRIGO: No.

It's the boyfriend.

HAILEY: We need to get you a phone.

No, it's not necessary.

W-What are you doing right now?

Just finished playing oboe for a very sad cat.

What about you?

Would you like to come to my place for lunch?

- You don't have a place.

- I have a place.

I have a place in a place.

You mean Gloria's place?

I don't know.

Is she there?

No, she's doing some horrible meeting, um, something, I don't know.

You want to come?

So you blew off the capital campaign meeting?

Yes, Hai Lai.

I hate those meetings about meetings.

Why'd you agree to go in the first place?

Because I had to, Hai Lai.

I said I would.

But if you don't go, then...

(TEAKETTLE WHISTLING)

- I'm gonna make the mate.

- (CHUCKLES)

I'm gonna make the brandy.

(WHISTLING STOPS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(GLORIA LAUGHS)

All right, I have a : meeting.

We have to make this a quickie.

How about two quickies?

Why are you always thinking about dessert before you've had the main course?

Because dessert has tits like the Venus de Milo,

- only better.

- Ah.

- And arms.

- (HAILEY LAUGHS)

What the f*ck?

Rutledge?

No.

I'd know that insipid titter anywhere.

- Rutledge?

- Hi.

Ah.

Is that my kimono?

No.

This is Rodrigo's, actually.

No, they're both Gloria's.

- What are you doing here?

- She lives here.

- Yeah.

- And I'm the bloke that gets to sleep with her.

So put two and two together.

And how long have you two been playing hide-the-baton?

- Oh, my God.

This is mortifying.

- (LAUGHS)

- Just mortifying.

- Hey, no, no.

It is not mortifying.

No, there's nothing to be ashamed of, Hai Lai.

Yes, yes, yes, we've been having a lot of sexual intercourse recently.

Because I am the boyfriend.

(SLURPS)

- That's awful.

- No, Thomas, why?

- Why is it awful?

- (SIGHS)

Because she is a very promising young conductor, trying to make a name for herself.

Perhaps not the wisest thing to be having an affair with an older, more established conductor.

Older, more established conduct...

Thomas, that's really offensive.

Well, I just think it's great and high time.

I've been expecting this ever since you dragged her into my office, saying,

(IMITATES RODRIGO): "She plays with the blood"

THOMAS: Hmm.

You think it's great that they're shagging - in your apartment?

- I do.

And if you ever want to be shagging in this apartment again, you'll behave.

Oh.

Well, congratulations, darlings.

I'm sure it'll all end swimmingly.

It will.

- See you in minutes.

- Mmm. .

Put this on my tab.

Do most conductors suck down a beer before rehearsals?

Only the promising ones.

Hey, maybe you should bring your parents back up with you to New York to visit.

So that I can conduct like...

Okay.

I just thought maybe we could sell a couple tickets.

Look, you know you can always do a gig here, but it's mildly depressing having every Tuesday night be an empty house.

You think it's depressing?

My boyfriend conducts the New York Symphony.

Your boyfriend?

He's your boyfriend now?

Yeah.

According to him, he's my boyfriend.

But I think that he actually doesn't know what that word means and just likes to say it a lot.

Anyway, it's not, like, serious.

Are you sure about that?

Yeah.

I mean, in Venice, when he kissed me, I was like, "You just told La Fiamma that you love her." And he was like, "Oh, yes, and I meant it "in the moment, and then there was another moment and another moment." And it's just, like, that's so Rodrigo.

He's like this emotional butterfly, and, like...

You're saying "like" a lot.

You only do that when you're nervous, Hailey.

Yeah.

I am nervous.

Why am I so f*cking nervous?

Because it's Rodrigo f*cking DeSousa.

Yeah, and I'm Hailey darn Rutledge.

(CHUCKLES): Aw.

That's so pathetic.

Hailey darn Rutledge from down on the farm.

Just don't let him cut your hair again.

Yeah.

No.

Hey, can you stop?

- It's looking good, it's looking good.

- Yeah.

There's no mirror in front of you.

He wants to meet my parents.

Can you imagine him and my dad in the same room together?

It would be like Clark Kent and Superman meeting each other.

(GROANS)

He's just so famous.

And it never mattered before, but now it's like...

Now that you rock out with his cock out.

Yeah, now it's, like, more complicated.

And Thomas found out, and he was like, "Oh, you're ruining your career." And-and everyone at the Ferndale is, like, wondering

- (DOOR OPENS)

- why Rodrigo DeSousa is there all the time.

No one's wondering.

They know he's there for sex.

- They just don't know with whom.

- Although they suspect it's the ravishing viola player on the fifth floor...

you know, the one with the cheekbones that could cut diamonds.

- Cheekbones?

What cheekbones?

- f*ck you.

LIZZIE: Anyway, back to ticket sales.

You guys just need an identity, like, "Oh, that's the ensemble that only plays with no pants on," or, "Oh, that's the ensemble that only plays horror movie soundtracks with four harps," or, "That's the ensemble that only plays female composers that all went to jail for shanking their husbands." Hey, that's not a bad idea.

What, the pant-less ensemble?

Uh, guys, I have something that I want to discuss.

I know.

My cold sore's coming back.

Why'd I have to be a flute player?

No, that's not it.

But I'm really sorry, Morgan.

Um, from now on, the Thundering Toothpicks ensemble will be exclusively playing the music of cutting-edge, contemporary female composers.

I love that idea.

Oh, well, I loved it first.

Thanks, Sebastian.

Great.

Maybe now you guys can get a new name.

RODRIGO: So, we want to provide your son Ricky with some private lessons from our...

main, main percussionist at the New York Symphony.

- RICKY'S MOM: You mean him?

- Don't be so skeptical.

- You look like a hippie.

- Uh...

I am a hippie.

You're too old to play percussion.

Mm-hmm.

(PLAYING RAPID RHYTHM)

That was lame.

Now you.

- (SPOON CLATTERS TO FLOOR)

- sh*t!

Hey.

Language.

You got some chops, kid.

Yeah, but I don't know if it's realistic that he'd be a professional musician.

Maybe it's realistic, maybe not, but he does have talent.

- Miss, are you in the orchestra as well?

- I am.

I'll be back as soon as I recover from a surgery.

So one injury can screw up your career?

- That's awful.

- DEE DEE: It's not great.

The things we do for love.

Anyway, I have Thursdays at : available.

I'm sorry, he helps out in the restaurant in the afternoons.

sl*ve labor.

What if...

I can get a very good replacement for him, very humble replacement?

M-Meaning who?

- Okay, two mofongos.

- (LATIN MUSIC PLAYING)

Hey.

- Mofongos.

- I ordered arroz con gandules.

Oh.

Okay, okay, yes.

Then the mofongos are here, right?

Thank you so much for meeting us up here.

Rodrigo can be a little hard to pin down sometimes.

That's exactly why I want to work with him.

Though it's a nice surprise to meet you, Maestro Pembridge.

THOMAS: Why, thank you.

I'm just the Executive Musical Director Extraneous.

Oh, that's nonsense.

Maestro Pembridge is an integral part of the symphony team, and we're all so excited about collaborating with you with your new ballet company.

I just loved your punk Nutcracker.

- And what a success.

- Mm.

- It ran the whole...

- It ran far too long.

Egon.

Ah, so nice to meet you.

I can't wait to talk to you.

- But here are the menu first.

- Oh.

- Good.

- Today we have no specials, because everything is special.

You're working here now?

On Thursdays, yeah, Thursday afternoon.

He is a man of mystery.

- Like you, Egon.

- Talking about mystery, what is a...

pastelón?

- Pastelón is really good.

- Yeah?

It's got, uh, plantains and...

Well, you know, everything with plantains is good.

- Yeah.

- So, tell us about this thrilling new project.

It's Ballet for No Audience.

Ballet for a New Audience...

that sounds fantastic.

It's not a ballet for a new audience.

It's Ballet for No Audience.

Rodrigo, I'd like to work with you on a modern ballet.

It's a Faust story, as seen through the character of a...

great conductor.

Oh, man, I love it!

I love it.

- Sounds so good.

It sounds...

- Really?

- Yes.

- You like Faust?

But-but I-I'm sorry.

But, well, what do...

what do you mean "no audience"?

I just feel the audience is an outdated concept.

I feel that my success with Nutcracker was...

was, uh, like a beast that was suckling me.

It felt like a baby, and then it felt like a tick.

It was feeding on me.

Feeding.

Did it have the face of a pig?

That was chasing you around the forest?

As you were trying to...

to take your trousers off and-and trying to eat the mierda coming out from your ass?

- No, but I love that image.

- That is disgusting.

But the audience is what we are all doing this for.

You're not a performer.

I beg to differ with you there.

Have you heard her sing?

- Who do you sing for?

- Mm-hmm.

Well, uh, well, him, mostly, but...

Well, that's a person.

That's not an audience.

- Oh, touché, touché.

- Right?

I just feel an artist is either looking in or looking out.

It's really hard to do both at the same time.

You know, it's like a...

a sneeze or...

an aneurysm.

It's really good.

- Really?

- Yes.

I love it, man.

I love it.

This is really cool.

And...

- Order up!

- Ah.

Okay, it's a little bit crazy.

I love this a lot.

I love this a lot.

Think about what you want to drink, okay?

That's so good.

Well, a damn good waiter.

♪ ♪

MAN: Raleigh-Durham, North Carolina.

All aboard.

(BUS ENGINE IDLING)

RODRIGO: Hai Lai!

Hai Lai!

Hey.

- Rodrigo...

- I was so worried I was gonna miss you, yes.

- Where...

Is this your seat?

- Uh, y-yes.

Okay, take a seat, take a seat.

I want to talk to you.

- I want to talk to you.

Sit down.

- Okay.

The bus is leaving

- in, like, a minute.

So, what?

- No problem.

- I want to meet your parents.

- Why?

Because I'm the boyfriend.

And because it's time, Hai Lai, it's time.

So, I was doing my shift at the restaurant.

- What res...

What?

- I work at a restaurant now.

Like, a Puerto Rican restaurant.

Anyway, but they came with Egon.

- The choreographer.

- Okay, you know this bus

- is gonna leave really soon.

- I know, I know, I know, I know.

He wants to collaborate with me.

The concept is: a Ballet for No Audience.

- Incredible, right?

- Mm-hmm.

He said something about the audience being an outdated concept, and how...

how the...

you know, the-the audience is sucking him or some-some weird stuff, but when he mentioned that, I was thinking..

(EXHALES)

yeah, I don't want to think about the audience.

I just want to be with my girlfriend.

Hai Lai.

(CHUCKLES)

Uh, you know that this is a... ten-hour bus ride?

No, I had no idea.

(HAILEY LAUGHS)

It's okay.

If we're together, it's... it's okay.

You're happy that I'm here, right?

(CHUCKLES)

(SEAT SQUEAKING)

Mine is...

I think mine is stuck.

(LAUGHS)

♪ ♪