Sloppy babies!
You're all sloppy babies!
How do you expect to pass the Presidential Fitness Test when all you do is sit on your enormous rumps while picking at a forehead full of pimples no doubt caused by consuming an entire bag of Funyuns in one sitting?
Michael Phelps did not win 18 gold medals by swimming through a pool of pork rinds!
You think this is hard?
Try consuming your own twin in utero!
That's hard!
I'm not leaving here until at least three of you pass out or puke!
If your hands aren't bleeding, you're not doing it right.
Mark my words, every kid at this school will make it up to the top of that rope or they will not graduate!
Hey, look, everyone.
It's Puffy's turn.
Come on, everybody, gather round.
All right, Wiggle Tush, pretend there's a bucket of butterscotch pudding at the top of that rope.
Go!
Come on.
Hey!
You, sir, are a disgrace to yourself, your school and your nation.
Sue, I think Roderick needs to rest for a minute.
Oh, absolutely, Sheldon.
Let's reward failure.
Because while America is struggling with type 2 diabetes, China is colonizing Mars.
Not on my watch!
All right, Double Stuf, come on.
Hoist yourself up there again.
Come on, lad.
And hike up your shorts, please, before some poor soul falls into your butt cr*ck.
Whoa.
We have a problem.
We do?
What's, uh, what's wrong?
You can't climb a rope, you can't do a push-up, you can't even do simple choreography.
If I'm gonna be part of this whole glee club thing, it behooves me to not be strapped to a lead weight.
you're the lead weight.
Okay, then...
maybe you could help me?
Sorry.
What?
Maybe you could help me?
I mean, I could, you know, try to do better, but...
Cool, yeah.
Try to try.
Try to try.
Just...
if you just tried, it'd be great.
And you know what?
Wait.
Stop eating those gummy bears.
Come on.
Hey.
Hey.
- How you doing?
- I'm okay.
How are you?
Good.
A little tired.
Yeah?
Stayed up late last night.
I was watching that, um, the Yeti...
The Yeti thing.
- Yeah!
- Yeah.
Me, too.
Oh, yeah, I just feel like it was awesome.
That was the coolest episode of a TV show I've seen.
It was so...
Bigfoot, on the other hand...
100% possible.
Hey, buddy.
I gotta pick up some sheet music from you after class.
Hey, man, 'sup?
- I'm Spencer.
- 'Sup?
- You're Alistair, right?
- Wait.
You guys are friends?
Me and Hot Rod?
Hells, yeah.
We're in the glee club together.
We work out all the time together, too.
I'm kind of like his personal trainer and his inspiration.
Check it out.
Go ahead.
You can touch the g*ns if you want.
Don't worry.
Safety's on.
Um...
I think I forgot something in my locker.
Yeah.
- I'll be right back, Roderick.
- Yeah.
Cool.
What was that?
Were you just flirting with him?
Was that you flirting?
You wouldn't understand.
You're not a player like me.
Well, that was the weirdest thing I've ever seen.
If you think that was romantic, then you're not a player, you're kind of a creeper.
Ugh.
Superintendent Harris, it's no secret that before I became principal at McKinley High, well, our students were dumber than Alabama first graders.
But now, not only have test scores skyrocketed, but we have become the most tech-savvy school in America, due to my close personal relationship with the Koch brothers, who generously donated a special ops drone, which should be flying by right about now.
You never cease to amaze me.
Well, thank you, Superintendent.
Listen, I have a tiny favor to ask you.
I have humbly submitted myself for the United States Principal of the Year award.
It's the type of award that would make a résumé sparkle.
The icing on the cake after all of my years here at McKinley High.
Well, you're not planning on leaving us, are you?
Oh, no.
No, absolutely not.
Don't believe everything Becky Jackson tweets.
Uh, the only thing I need to complete my application is a letter of recommendation.
From you.
Which I have right here.
I will need to, uh, review this, of course.
In the meantime, I have a favor I'd like to ask of you.
Glee Club, William, Frodo...
this fine young man standing next to me is Superintendent Harris's one and only nephew, Mr.
Myron Muskovitz.
Hey.
Myron is about to celebrate the most important day in a Jewish boy's life: his bar mitzvah.
It's a sacred ritual in which he becomes a man and, thus, a full-fledged member of the, uh, Jewish community.
And I'm putting on a show.
Okay.
Myron will be performing a little musical number at his bar mitzvah party, and he would very much appreciate it if you would give him any pointers.
And did I mention he's the superintendent's nephew?
Okay.
Okay, so this is just rehearsal, so be kind.
Lights!
Hit me!
♪ Can you keep up, baby boy? ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Bring the noise ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Hit me hard ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ I put it right there, make it easy for you to get to ♪
♪ Now you want to act like you don't know what to do ♪
♪ After having done everything that you asked me ♪
♪ Grabbed you, grind you, liked you, tried you ♪
♪ Moved so fast, baby, now I can't find you ♪
♪ Can you keep up, baby boy? ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Bring the noise ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Hit me hard ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Can you keep up, baby boy? ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Bring the noise ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Hit me hard ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Ooh... ♪
♪ If you can't make me say ooh ♪
♪ Like the b*at of this drum ♪
♪ Why you ask for some? ♪
♪ You ain't really want none ♪
♪ If you can't make me say ooh ♪
♪ Like the b*at of this groove ♪
♪ You don't have no business in this ♪
♪ Here's your papers, baby, you are dismissed ♪
♪ Can you keep up, baby boy? ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Bring the noise ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Hit me hard ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Can you keep up, baby boy? ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Bring the noise ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Hit me hard ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Can you keep up, baby boy? ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Bring the noise ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath ♪
♪ Hit me hard ♪
♪ Make me lose my breath. ♪
Wow!
Wow!
That was amazing.
Myron, you are very talented.
Oh, thank you, Miss Berry.
I'm a huge fan, so that means the world to me.
But here's the rub: I want my bar mitzvah to be perfect.
Not good, not great... perfect.
How can I improve this number?
Seriously, give me notes.
Anything.
Um... maybe your dancers could just smile a little bit more?
Yeah.
Okay, exactly.
I-I already told them that.
I already told you that!
What's wrong with you people?
You know, I thought I hired professionals, but obviously, I was mistaken.
You're fired!
Get off this stage!
Now, b*tches!
May I speak with the adults, please?
Do anything he asks.
This stage is sheer heaven.
My uncle said I could use it for my party if it's okay with you.
Please?
Of course you can.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
You're my new best friend.
Mmm.
Now, best friend, I'd also like the glee club doing my opening act.
And I'd also be happy to pay them...
Say, 20 grand?
What?
Tw...
um...
wow, that's...
that's very generous.
But, uh, unfortunately show choir bylaws - forbid us from accepting any compensation.
- Okay.
Then you could do it for free.
It'll give your kids invaluable stage experience.
Doesn't that sound fun?
Hey, I thought I told you to leave, skank!
Now!
Go!
Uh, Myron, although we would usually jump at the opportunity to perform, right now we're just really busy practicing for sectionals.
They accept.
Knock, knock.
Oh.
Hey, Mason.
Hey.
How's it going?
Well, I've been better.
I got a "C" on my math test.
When I have a bad day, I usually drown my sorrows in endless breadsticks at Breadstix.
Hmm.
It is as good as they say?
Have you never been?
No, my mom says it's infested with cockroaches.
Oh, no, it's okay.
They fumigated.
Maybe I could take you next week?
I could teach you how to eat your feelings.
Mmm, where are we eating?
Um, Breadstix.
Breadstix?
No.
No, Mason, we talked about this.
It's crunch time in Cheerios!
Season.
We're completely overhauling your diet.
No carbs.
We need you lean and mean.
Jane, it was nice talking to you.
Walk me to class?
Thanks for coming, guys.
I have kind of a weird problem, so I'd prefer if it stays in this room.
I've been trying to talk to Jane a little lately, um, 'cause she's really talented and gorgeous, but I'm having some trouble.
Can I be dismissed?
Women are weird and mysterious creatures and I'm bored.
No.
No, no, no.
Listen, look...
I want to take Jane out, but my sister is screwing everything up.
Wait, aren't you guys dating?
Ha, ha.
I'm just kidding.
But seriously, aren't you guys dating?
No, come on.
We didn't have it easy growing up.
Our parents were more concerned with performing than being parents, so Madison kind of acted like a second mom.
She's been treating me like a small child my entire life.
Every second of every day, she's there.
I-I just can't function.
So, I need her out of my way.
For a bit.
One of you two needs to ask her out and distract her.
Well, I'm not an option, for obvious reasons, so, no, but...
Dude, you just got done telling us how crazy your sister is.
I-I'm sorry, but no way.
Come on, guys, help me out here.
Help yourself.
Tell her to back off so you can score some tail.
Simple.
And you...
you're gonna meet me in the gym after school, so that I can whip your ass into shape.
Then you're gonna help me get a date with my boy.
How did this become about you guys?
So I was thinking for the bar mitzvah, since Myron is very theatrical, that the glee club could hit him up with some Broadway, but, like, modern, downtown, up-tempo stuff.
Do these kids even like Broadway?
I don't know some of the new ones.
What are they like?
Um...
I mean, they're great.
They're so nice.
Such a vibrant group.
So energetic.
But they're quiet, you know?
They're very, like...
you know, within themselves.
Quiet... because you're always talking?
You think I'm the worst.
No, Rachel...
No.
Not at all.
I think this bar mitzvah is exactly the challenge they need right now.
Performing in front of a big audience will force them to band together.
But if you don't know them very well...
I don't know.
Maybe it's time to push them to make some choices themselves.
Okay, everyone.
Take your seats.
We have some really exciting news.
So, Myron really liked our suggestions.
And he has decided to have us perform at his bar mitzvah!
Can you believe it?
You guys, I thought that you'd be more excited.
So, you want us to sing at a spoiled little rich kid's birthday party?
It's a bar mitzvah.
Have you guys had any Jewish life experiences?
This is a sacred honor.
Guys, why aren't you more excited about this?
Are we actually gonna sing or are you about to announce an alumnus walking through the door?
No, this is all about you guys.
Myron is trusting us and we are trusting you.
That's right!
The clock is ticking.
Sectionals is in two weeks, guys.
Don't underestimate this challenge.
There is no tougher audience than...
- Jews!
- Tweens.
Vicious, pubescent tweens with zero tolerance for a bad act.
So, pair up, triple up, pick some songs, this is gonna be great.
We want upbeat.
We want energy.
We want epic!
All right!
This is incredible!
Were we not just talking about doing gender role-reversal duets?
Were we not?!
Mason, I'm freaking out!
Well, my short list is actually a long one, so we should really start brainstorming now.
Hello?
Focus...
huge opportunity knocking at the front door!
Yeah, yeah.
I'm in.
- Grab a chair.
- Yeah, I'm in.
You know the best thing about being a dude?
I'm eating my chicken for lunch.
But later, if I lick my lips like this, mmm, I'm tasting it all day.
Mmm!
Hey, Sue?
You-you doing okay?
No, actually, uh...
I haven't slept for three days.
Mind if I put my coffee down on this decorative end table?
Hey, Sue, what's, uh, what's going on?
I have become a personal sl*ve of one Myron Muskovitz.
We start the day with a series of vitamin B drips.
And the eight-hour pitch session begins.
Okay, well, then...
how about a Hawaiian-themed bar mitzvah, huh?
These ideas are terrible!
They're tired!
They're not fresh!
They're not new!
The theme should be me!
I am the theme!
And I want to make my big reveal by coming down out of the rafters in a giant Fabergé pod!
Now, Janet, can you get me my espresso?
He says "my espresso" as if every bean was cultivated specifically for him.
Every night is spent reading the Torah aloud while Myron sleeps, so he can absorb the bit he has to read at his bar mitzvah without having to memorize it himself.
I said read the Torah!
Sue, this kid is a nightmare.
This has to stop.
Oh, it will...
once you, Johnny Want-a-peen, Homeless, Rachel, the glee club and I agree to become his backup dancers at his bar mitzvah.
Wait, what?
Wait, he wants us?
Yes, we are his last resort.
He blew his entire entertainment budget on airfare for a callback of 100 dancers in which there was no dancing.
He just called them in one at a time and said, "Are your allergies as bad as mine today?" Now, hold on!
I could see if this kid wanted Rachel, Will and even Sam, but me?!
Come on, I can't even dance!
My knees have been sh*t since my bull-riding days.
Well, I am being forced to participate, so I am forcing you to participate.
So there's at least one person who's a worse dancer than I am.
I'm in.
Hey, Jane!
What?
Hey, sorry.
Hey, man!
Sorry!
- Excuse me, hey!
Hey!
- Watch it!
Hey, you know, I was thinking, you know, we should probably do this bar mitzvah duet together.
Oh, um, we would k*ll it, but I'm already paired with Roderick.
Well, is Roderick taking you out for pizza after rehearsal?
Oh, is pizza part of Madison's deal-a-meal plan?
Well, I won't tell if you won't.
I'm kind of a badass.
The only badass I know that's also a male cheerleader.
Well, you know what they say about cheerleaders.
What?
Um...
uh, good-good things mostly.
Um, listen, uh, if you let everyone know that we're switching partners, then I am... all yours.
Cool?
Cool.
Okay.
C-Cool.
Bye.
All right, focus, buddy, you got this.
Come on, focus.
Get up there.
Come on, get up there.
Yeah.
Yeah, use your feet to support you!
Come on!
Don't stop, Roderick!
You're not even trying!
Come on!
Let's go!
Stop being such a wuss!
That was pathetic.
You have the athleticism of a couch cushion.
Okay, you know, none of your tough love, drill sergeant crap is helping me at all.
- Don't be so sensitive.
- "Sensitive"?
I-I've been taunted and teased about this kind of thing my entire life.
Not to mention I'm terrified of heights.
Sometimes this stuff is ugly.
When the guys on the football team work out, it gets messy and it hurts!
I'm not on the football team!
You know what?
You are absolutely right!
Because you're too fat and you're too lazy!
You know, this is why my friend doesn't want to go out with you.
No one wants to get close to you because you're a d*ck!
Where do you think you're going?!
Hey, I held up my end of the bargain!
You better hold up yours!
Are you okay?
Hey, hey!
Roderick, hey, hey!
Change of plans!
Um, you're gonna sing a duet with my sister, and I'm gonna sing with Jane.
Awesome!
Thank you.
I don't want to do that.
I don't want to do...
Hey.
Hey, no cutting!
Oh, no, it's okay.
We're twins.
What...?!
What's up, buttercup?
Nothing, nothing.
Same old, same old, uh, except, the bar mitzvah thing?
You're gonna sing with Roderick and I'm gonna sing with Jane.
Oh, why?
You already did that with her during Jagged Little Tapestry Week.
I know, but I-I want to do it again.
Um, no, you don't.
Trust me.
One...
she has beautiful legs so no one will be looking at yours, and two...
She has that huge hair that she loves to toss around and upstage everybody with.
That's insane!
Look.
I just want to sing with her.
And-and, uh, maybe go on a date with her.
Mm, mm-mm.
No.
Massive mistake, Mason.
I won't allow it.
This isn't your decision to make, Madison.
For once in your life, quit being so darn controlling!
Fine!
See what I care!
I certainly don't want to be controlling!
And while you're at it, why don't you just never listen to me again!
Like that time I told you not to eat an entire bag of sugar-free gummy bears, and you had diarrhea and everyone thought it was a mud slide!
Madison, come on!
Hey.
Um, I think it'd be easier for everyone if I just sang with Roderick.
God, you people are annoying!
Stop cutting!
♪ I don't care if Monday's blue ♪
♪ Tuesday's gray and Wednesday, too ♪
♪ Thursday, I don't care about you ♪
♪ It's Friday, I'm in love ♪
♪ Monday, you can fall apart ♪
♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, break my heart ♪
♪ Oh, Thursday doesn't even start ♪
♪ It's Friday, I'm in love ♪
♪ Saturday, wait ♪
♪ And Sunday always comes too late ♪
♪ But Friday never hesitate ♪
♪ Dressed up to the eyes ♪
♪ It's a wonderful surprise ♪
♪ To see your shoes and your spirits rise ♪
♪ Throwing out your frown ♪
♪ Just smiling at the sound as sleek ♪
♪ As a sheik spinning round and round ♪
♪ Always take a big bite ♪
♪ It's such a gorgeous sight ♪
♪ To see you eat in the middle of the night ♪
♪ You can never get enough ♪
♪ Enough of this stuff ♪
♪ It's Friday, I'm in love ♪
♪ I don't care if Monday's blue ♪
♪ Tuesday's gray and Wednesday, too ♪
♪ Thursday, I don't care about you ♪
♪ It's Friday, I'm in love ♪
♪ Monday, you can fall apart ♪
♪ Tuesday, Wednesday, break my heart ♪
♪ Thursday doesn't even start ♪
♪ It's Friday, I'm in love ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh.. ♪
♪ Do-da-do-do-da-do-do ♪
♪ Oh, oh, oh ♪
♪ Oh, oh ♪
♪ Hey. ♪
Spencer, that was amazing.
And a love song...
not what we would expect from you.
That was a great song, definitely, Yeah.
But probably not what we're looking to do at the bar mitzvah.
I'd love to see a new combination, though.
Maybe something with you and Jane in there.
Maybe Roderick.
Look, fine, I don't care if you want to throw other people in the mix or pick another song, but I don't think I should have to sing with a quitter like Roderick.
I'm not a quitter.
Could've fooled me.
Guys, guys, the point of this is to band together as a team.
Well, then you might want to find some people who actually want to try to be team players.
Yeah, and maybe you could try not being a d*ck.
Give a warm bar mitzvah welcome to our little big man.
Mr.
Myron Muskovitz!
Hello, everyone.
Myron!
Now, we've got a great slate of entertainers.
I promise you the headliner is really gonna knock your socks off.
There's also gonna be a lot of boring speeches from my relatives, so be prepared.
But we've got an amazing group who's gonna kick the night off right.
The stars of McKinley High...
Rachel Berry and the New Directions!
And now let's hear it for Mason McCarthy!
♪ I want to break free ♪
♪ I want to break free ♪
♪ I want to break free ♪
♪ From your lies, you're so self-satisfied ♪
♪ I don't need you ♪
♪ I've got to break free ♪
♪ God knows ♪
♪ God knows I want to break free ♪
♪ I've fallen in love ♪
♪ I've fallen in love for the first time ♪
♪ And this time I know it's for real ♪
♪ I've fallen in love ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ God knows ♪
♪ God knows I've fallen in love ♪
♪ It's strange, but it's true ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I can't get over the way you love me like you do ♪
♪ But I have to be sure ♪
♪ When I walk out that door ♪
♪ Oh, how I want to be free, baby ♪
♪ Oh, how I want to be free ♪
♪ Oh, how I want to break free ♪
♪ But life still goes on ♪
♪ I can't get used to living without ♪
♪ Living without, living without you ♪
♪ By my side ♪
♪ I don't want to live alone ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ God knows ♪
♪ Got to make it on my own ♪
♪ So, baby, can't you see ♪
♪ I've got to break free ♪
♪ I've got to break free ♪
♪ I want to break free ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ I want, I want, I want ♪
♪ I want to break ♪
♪ Free.♪
Are you serious?
Oh, my God.
That was ridiculously good.
Look, I already know what you're gonna say.
No, you don't.
Look, Mason, your performance up there was really moving.
And it reminded me how gifted you are and how crazy I've become.
You're not crazy.
Okay, a little nutty.
Look, I'm not gonna lie...
I was terrified and jealous when I found out you had an interest in Jane because I couldn't stand the fact that I wasn't the only lady in your life anymore.
But the truth is I'm actually kind of relieved.
You don't need me anymore, and...
though maybe you never really did.
I'll always need you, Madison.
I just need a little bit more room for some other people so you're not the only person in my life.
I'm just so used to taking care of you.
And looking after you.
And it's not really because I wanted to, but because I-I felt like I had to.
You know I'm a better person because of you.
Yeah.
Well, I'm a better person because of you.
Okay.
Okay, but I'm just gonna say it...
Jane is a total stage hog.
- Madison.
- Well, she is.
- Come on.
- She is.
Oh, my God!
Help me!
Somebody help me!
- Help, Sue, help me!
- Sue, what's wrong?
Ugh, Myron's hair and makeup were in peak condition, so he got into his stage pod early.
- Wait, is he trapped in there?
- Yes.
Sue, get me out of here!
I go on in five minutes!
The rope's stuck in that pulley...
it's not budging.
Okay, postmodern gay, use those shapely thighs to wiggle up this rope and get that thing down.
- Forget it, Sue.
- Oh, come on, what are you protesting now?
There's only one man for the job.
What are you doing?
Look, I know I was a d*ck before, but I was the wrong kind of d*ck, and this time, I'm being the right kind of d*ck.
And I'm telling you that you can do this.
Can't we just get a ladder?
There's got to be one in here somewhere.
No, Roderick can do it.
Okay, Roderick, time to man up.
Oh, what the hell?
Give me those gloves.
Do it, do it, do it, do it, do it.
Well, Spencer's got my back.
Do it, do it.
I guess I can do this.
Do it, do it, do it, do it...
You got it.
Come on.
Oh!
Whoa!
Hang in there, man!
Come on, buddy!
All right, Roderick, do this for the team.
Almost there.
Keep going.
Just a little further.
Yeah, all right, buddy, all right.
You did it.
I can't believe I did that.
In emergencies, even babies can lift cars.
I think I pooped myself.
I think I freakin' pooped myself, Sue.
I can't go on.
My future ride, Mr. Reinbeck, is out there waiting for me.
Do you not get how important this is?!
Kitty, get me a fist full of butt wipes, and, uh, how about a soupçon of gummy bears?
How does that sound?
But I'm supposed to be onstage.
Don't worry, we'll stall them.
Spencer, Jane, come on.
And Roderick...
You guys with me?
Sure.
Yeah, we're with you.
♪ This hit, that ice cold ♪
♪ Michelle Pfeiffer, that white gold ♪
♪ This one for them hood girls ♪
♪ Them good girls, straight masterpieces ♪
♪ Stylin', while in ♪
♪ Livin' it up in the city ♪
♪ Got Chucks on with Saint Laurent ♪
♪ Gotta kiss myself I'm so pretty ♪
♪ I'm too hot ♪
♪ Hot damn ♪
♪ Called a police and a fireman ♪
♪ I'm too hot ♪
♪ Hot damn ♪
♪ Make a dragon want to retire, man ♪
♪ I'm too hot ♪
♪ Hot damn ♪
♪ Say my name, you know who I am ♪
♪ I'm too hot ♪
♪ Hot damn ♪
♪ Am I bad about that money? Break it down ♪
♪ Girls hit your hallelujah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Girls hit your hallelujah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ Girls hit your hallelujah ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ 'Cause uptown funk gonna give it to ya ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ 'Cause uptown funk gonna give it to ya ♪
♪ 'Cause uptown funk gonna give it to ya ♪
♪ Saturday night and we in the spot ♪
♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Ooh-ah ♪
♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪
♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪
♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪
♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, oh ♪
♪ Before we leave ♪
♪ Let me tell y'all a little something ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Come on, dance, jump on it ♪
♪ If you sexy, then flaunt it ♪
♪ Well, it's Saturday night, and we in the spot ♪
♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪
♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪
♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪
♪ Don't believe me, just watch ♪
♪ Hey, hey, hey, oh ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Say what? ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Hey ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Come on ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Oh... ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Say what? ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up ♪
♪ Uptown funk you up, ow! ♪
Five, six, seven, eight.
Step together.
Pivot, pivot and point.
Sheldon, you nailed it.
Sam, you turned the wrong way again.
No, I think you guys turned the wrong way.
Sue, where are you going?
That's it...
I'm done.
Good night.
No, no, hang in there, hang in there...
you've almost got it.
Hey, as the poet once said...
"Fake it till you make it." William, in the name of all that is sacred, for once in your life, please, just stop talking.
I don't care about heel steps or point turns.
Or old-timey sayings found on grandmas' sweatshirts.
And why are you even still here?
You don't even work at this school.
You asked me to help.
Excuse me...
You asked all of us.
Shut up, Dreidel.
This is between Butt Chin and me.
So why are you the Pied Piper of lost causes, huh?
And why on earth do these idiots think so highly of you when you've done absolutely nothing for their lives except make it worse?
I secured you a dream job at Vocal Adrenaline, one of the best show choirs in America.
And within minutes, you screwed that up.
And now you're back, skulking the hallways with your aw-shucks, reach-for-the-stars attitude, and it will not stand.
Susie Q.
May I call you Susie Q?
No, you may not.
The superintendent got you into this, not me.
So why aren't you going after him?
Oh, that's right.
You still have a little crush on old Bob, don't you?
You're thinking if you play your cards right, you just might get a date with a guy who once mistook you for a man.
Ah, that's really sad, Susie Q.
Even for you.
How dare you.
Oh, by the way, hope you're enjoying my Axe body spray.
It's a new scent called.
"This woman standing next to me is clearly losing her mind." We should just head back over this way; maybe a Zantac...
All right, let's, uh, let's go from the top, guys.
Stop it.
You're hurting him.
Is something, uh, wrong?
No, we're just rehearsing.
Ah.
Yeah, well, let's get to the stage, people.
It's showtime.
Yeah!
What are you doing in here?
Playing a ukulele.
I like to jam out on my uke sometimes to the classics.
So you just happened to be in here hoping that I'd walk by.
No, Roderick told me about the bar mitzvah.
Mmm.
He said that you'd be performing, and that I wouldn't want to miss it.
And, man, was he right.
Oh, wait, you were in there watching?
Oh, yes.
Yes, I was.
You got some moves, Varsity Blues.
But actually I wanted a chance to say sorry for ignoring you.
Maybe I didn't get the best first impression of you.
Roderick told me about how you stood up for him.
How you always had his back.
And, well, that was really cool of you, Spencer.
I got a feeling that underneath all that macho snark, you're a pretty sweet guy on the inside.
Plus, on the outside, you're smoking hot.
I mean, like, I'm not blind.
You're, like, ridiculously hot.
You know, we still need people for the glee club if you're interested.
In the glee club?
Mm-hmm.
Uh, I don't know.
I mean, I might be kind of a loser, but am I really that much of a loser?
I'm gonna say yes.
Well, you're gonna have to work on that sales pitch if you really...
And sold.
Places, people!
Well, according to my doomsday watch, it's preciously one minute before midnight.
The final chapter of World w*r Glee.
And it all begins when I trip you onstage.
You're gonna fall on your butt in front of a bunch of 13-year-olds.
You wouldn't dare.
Wouldn't I?
♪ If you want it ♪
♪ Take it ♪
♪ I should've said it before ♪
♪ Try to hide it ♪
♪ Fake it ♪
♪ I can't pretend anymore ♪
♪ I only want to die alive ♪
♪ Never by the hands of a broken heart ♪
♪ I don't want to hear you lie tonight ♪
♪ Now that I've become who I really are ♪
♪ This is the part ♪
♪ When I say I don't want you ♪
♪ I'm stronger than I been before ♪
♪ This is ♪
♪ The part ♪
♪ When I break free ♪
♪ 'Cause I can't resist it no more ♪
♪ This is ♪
♪ The part ♪
♪ When I say I don't want you ♪
♪ I'm stronger than I been before ♪
♪ This is ♪
♪ The part ♪
♪ When I break free ♪
♪ 'Cause I can't resist it no more ♪
♪ You were better ♪
♪ Deeper ♪
♪ I was under your spell ♪
♪ Like a deadly fever ♪
♪ Yeah, babe ♪
♪ On a highway to hell ♪
♪ Ooh ♪
♪ I only want to die alive ♪
♪ Never by the hands of a broken heart ♪
♪ I don't want to hear you lie tonight ♪
♪ Now that I've become who I really are ♪
♪ This is the part ♪
♪ When I say I don't want you ♪
♪ I'm stronger than I been before ♪
♪ This is ♪
♪ The part when I break free ♪
♪ 'Cause I can't resist it no more ♪
♪ This is the part ♪
♪ When I say I don't want you ♪
♪ I'm stronger than I been before ♪
♪ This is the part ♪
♪ When I break free ♪
♪ 'Cause I can't resist it no more. ♪
Hey man, do you, uh, know of any protein supplements that you like?
You know what, buddy, skip the supplements and eat some organic chicken instead.
You'll thank me for it.
Oh, well, actually, I already owe you a debt of gratitude.
I've, uh, started working out and eating better.
I still sneak a few Cheetos before bed sometimes, but I actually feel really great.
And you had my back and you challenged me to make some important changes, so thank you.
That's awesome, buddy.
Glad I could help.
Uh, sorry, but I got to run.
Oh, yeah.
I heard you're hanging out with a certain someone.
Yeah, Alistair and I are finally going out.
He's amazing.
He's the first guy I've ever met who actually makes me nervous.
I really like him.
I hope I don't screw it up.
Yeah, I hope you don't, either.
Let me help you with these.
Organize a little bit.
Oh, Myron, hi!
Are you here to thank us for throwing you the greatest bar mitzvah in the entire world?
Because a note would've been sufficient.
Um, these words are like poison on my tongue.
Myron Muskovitz is the newest student here at McKinley High, and he would like to join the glee club.
You're not my mother!
You don't have to speak for me!
Now get me my inhaler!
Ow!
Hey, come back here!
Don't touch the piano!
Wait, Sue, how-how is this even possible?
Myron's 13 years old.
Well, that's a very valid point, William, and it's one I made rather convincingly, I thought, and, uh, Superintendent Harris chose to ignore it.
Instead, he strong-armed Myron's middle school principal into submitting a petition to the school board stating that Myron is so prodigiously talented that the junior high environment was no longer suited to him.
Wait, so what you're saying is that the glee club just got a brand-new, highly talented singer and dancer who happens to be a member of the superintendent's family?
Wow, Sue, that has got to burn.
It is my Dunkirk, William.
But it is just the first battle of the great w*r to end all wars.
- Hmm.
- And in the words of a former vice presidential candidate and my personal Lamaze coach, "I do not retreat." "I reload." You gonna jump at me again, Sue?
I just might.
And then again, I might not.
I had a plan.
Make this school the best in the state, cement my reputation as the greatest educator since Mao, and then ride off into the sunset on the back of one of the five remaining black rhinos on the planet.
Instead, well, I find myself right back where I began, with a singular, unwavering mission.
I thought I had decapitated that glee club, lanced it like a genital wart, but it has emerged once again from its feculent roots.
And so here we are.
I will spend the last few weeks of my professional life fulfilling what I now know is my destiny.
This may k*ll me in the end.
I may not survive one last charge unto the breach, dear friends, but I swear to you, oh, pretend people that I'm speaking to in my head and are very impressed with me, I will be the last man standing.
As the great Khan once said to Captain James T.
Kirk, "From hell's heart I s*ab at thee, William." They can bury me in this hurt locker if they want to, but you and your entire glee club are going to be buried in here with me.
Junior high's small potatoes.
I can see that now.
But I'll never forget you lending me your panties after I soiled myself in that pod.
Here.
You deserve it.
I don't even care if this is some weird blood diamond money.
I do deserve it.
Stick with me, sweetheart, and I'll make sure you never go hungry.
How about a little sugar?
Uh, that's a hard no on the kiss, but keep the cash coming, and you'll always have a friend in Glee Club, and trust me, kid, you're gonna need one.
The New Directions' luck has officially changed.
I can feel it.
Now with Alistair and Myron in the club, we have eight members, which means we're more than halfway there.
Every year, there's gonna be new kids in there.
Some kids that will disappear, some kids that touch your life more than others.
You just have to do your best, hope to make a difference.
Well, you made a difference with me.
And you with me.
No, I-I'm serious, Rachel.
Sometimes I can't help but look at you the way I did when I first met you, but...
you've evolved into a very intelligent young woman.
And I am so excited to be coworkers with you.
Nothing makes me happier.
Me, too.
All right, let's go to work.
♪ She sees them walking in a straight line ♪
♪ That's not really her style ♪
♪ And they all got the same heartbeat ♪
♪ But hers is falling behind ♪
♪ Nothing in this world could ♪
♪ Ever bring them down ♪
♪ Yeah, they're invincible ♪
♪ And she's just in the background ♪
♪ And she says ♪
♪ I wish that I could be like the cool kids ♪
♪ 'Cause all the cool kids ♪
♪ They seem to fit in ♪
♪ I wish that I could be like the cool kids ♪
♪ Like the cools kids ♪
♪ He sees them talking with a big smile ♪
♪ But they haven't got a clue ♪
♪ Yet they're living the good life ♪
♪ Can't see what he is going through ♪
♪ They're driving fast cars ♪
♪ But they don't know where they're going ♪
♪ In the fast lane ♪
♪ Living life without knowing ♪
♪ And he says ♪
♪ I wish that I could be like the cool kids ♪
♪ 'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in ♪
♪ I wish that I could be like the cool kids ♪
♪ Like the cool kids ♪
♪ I wish that I could be like the cool kids ♪
♪ 'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in ♪
♪ I wish that I could be like the cool kids ♪
♪ Like the cool kids ♪
♪ I wish that I could be ♪
♪ Like the cool kids ♪
♪ 'Cause all the cool kids ♪
♪ They seem to get it ♪
♪ I wish that I could be like the cool kids ♪
♪ Like the cool kids ♪
♪ Like the cool kids. ♪