Oh, Ramona! (2019)

[bunniefuu]

Ramona...

You're a really good dancer!

It's probably the drink talking, but I've had a crush on you since, like... forever.

Huh?

Yeah, sure, I'd love to go out with you.

Yeah, sure, I'd love to go out with you!

Yeah, sure, I'd love to go out with you!

Ha ha, you're very funny.

Ramona...

Check it out, dumb ass!

Take a couple of puffs of this, and you're set.

It'll totally calm your nerves. You'll feel...

...splendider!

I don't... I don't know about that. Dude!

Have a little faith in your brother.

Wait a minute!

There could be cops in the audience or even worse, children.

So we totally were not doing dr*gs! We were... you know... eating bananas.

This is some good banana right here.

Alright, dude.

You're ready.

This is the night you hook up with her.

So, there I go, walking over to her, full of confidence and a hefty amount of booze.

Hey!

Hey!

Wanna... wanna dance?

With you?

My dance moves really attracted her attention.

Whatever...

Unfortunately!

Things were going well, but fate reared its ugly head.

All that getting my groove on, combined with being nervous and drunk, had one extra effect...

In that exact moment I really had to go take a leak!

Anything wrong? No, I don't have to go.

You don't have to go where?

Nowhere, just...

Just sit tight, okay. Just... there.

Holy shit!

Hey! Hey! How is it all going?

I just need to step in and brush up a bit.

Well... Probably not...

Why?

Well, cause... you know.

Out of my way, I'm gonna be sick!

Holy shit!

Yo! Check this shit out!

No, literally, come check this literal shit which Andrei just literally took!

John!

Oh, my God!

Nope, that was not God's work.

And that, my friends, was a truly shitty first date.

They say a real man knows how to deal with his problems.

So I turned to Mommy.

Mom?

Was Dad successful with the girls?

Oh, yes!

Too successful for his own good.

Stop honking, you fucker!

I'll come and shove that f*cking horn up your ass! f*ck!

f*cking stop honking that f*cking horn!

f*ck you too! f*ck you!

I hope you never f*cking get an erection, you assh*le!

Hello there, Mrs. Alfred!

Take it easy on the cigarettes, Alin!

I don't want you being a bad influence on my Andrei.

So?

Is your mom gonna let you come to the party tonight?

Actually, she agreed that I can come by your place and... study.

Say... Clever!

You're not such a dumb cow after all.

Do you wanna suck on my titty? Yeah. Yeah, just like a little...

Believe me, this wasn't even the weirdest thing I did in this costume.

So...

You gonna hook up with her?

I'm way past that.

Besides, everybody is looking at me like I'm the guy who took the dump last time.

Nobody remembers that.

Yeah. Do you remember? Oh, my God!

You walk up to her, you grab her hand.

You ask her to dance.

You pretend to be interested in whatever bullshit she spews, and you f*ck her!

Have you ever f*cked a virgin?

No! No! Have you?

Not yet, but...

What is he doing?

Wow, I looked like I was jacking off angels.

Hey...

Hey... What you pointing at?

The... sky, it seems.

Your hands okay?

Ah, yeah, yeah, no... they're okay.

They're very fine... fine hands. Just...

Relax.

Oh, shit!

You're cute.

How you doing?

You're doing great. Oh, thanks.

So... Listen, there's something I want to tell you.

Follow me.

Go!

I know you're in love with me.

Me? No way.

Shh! I think it's cute.

A lot of guys have been crazy for me, but you've literally been mad for years.

Well, yeah.

I know what you want!

Yeah, I love you.

But I'm... I...

I... Look, I'm...

I'm... not like the other guys.

No, don't blow it, man.

But I'm not that shallow to just want to have sex with you.

It's not called being shallow, it's called not being stupid.

I want a relationship.

Say what?

What?

Something that... that lasts into all of eternity.

And... Shh! What the f*ck?

Are you serious?

Ah, yeah... what the f*ck?

In what relationship? Look...

I'm the hottest girl at school and you're... you.

Stop being silly.

Sorry, guy in the fourth row. No boobies for you.

Rather than have you for one night and then lose any chance of having you forever...

I'd rather not have you at all.

I just nutted when your boobs touched my chest.

God, you're a f*cking moron!

Wow, twice!

I'm giving you what any guy would k*ll to have and you say "No thanks"?

f*ck you!

I think I just made the biggest mistake of my life.

Isn't that what your mom said when you were born?

Cut it out, dumb ass!

I meant Ramona.

Ah, yeah. I'd move out of town if I were you.

Maybe even the city.

The town is the city, you fuckwit.

I just can't have sex with a girl if we're not in a relationship.

You wanna do it or should I? Oh, you've known him longer.

Alright.

Listen, m*therf*cker!

I would take a science test every day for the rest of my life just to smell that p*ssy!

Yeah, well, maybe I'm dumber.

Forget about it. You made the right call.

Ramona means more to you than just a one-night stand.

I was good.

Ramona was now Silviu's girlfriend, giving me the perfect excuse to forget about her.

Day after day and I couldn't believe Silviu hadn't been hit by a truck or struck by lightning or something.

Shut up, dude! In life it's always better to be honest.

Yes, if you're Ret*rded.

Because Ret*rded people don't understand the concept of getting away with lies.

Come on, finish my homework.

Please, I... No, no. Finish it now.

Faster! Okay.

Silviu, we need to talk.

Make it fast, I'm busy with my math homework.

Here's the thing...

I know Ramona only hooked up with you to get back at me...

My God... I think you can tell that as well.

It's like he's breaking up with him.

...for the sake of our long-lasting friendship, I think you'd agree that you should break up with her.

What did you say?

Yeah, it's only fair for you to not be caught between me and Ramona just so that she can make me jealous.

So I'm just a loser and there's no way she can actually be into me, right?

No, what I meant to say...

What? That you're better than me?

No, I just don't want you to get hurt.

Hey, babe, check this little shit out.

He says you only got with me to get back at him.

What? Is that true?

I don't know what he's talking about.

I've had a crush on you ever since I saw you.

Ramona, let's be honest.

The best thing in life is to be honest, right?

It's better that you confess to Silviu now that you got mad at me because...

I didn't want to have sex with you that night and that is why you're doing all of this.

You must be out of your mind.

Silviu is the only man I would ever want to...

make love to.

Bitch!

And by the way... I didn't want Silviu to know, but could you please stop texting me in the middle of the night?

What? I'm really not interested.

You're texting my girl in the middle of the night?

No, she's lying! So you're calling my girlfriend a liar!

If I didn't say no to her, she wouldn't even be your f*cking girlfriend!

Shit!

Told you so.

If you've got a girl pregnant, I swear I will break your neck, her legs and raise the child as my own!

It's not that big a deal.

Why didn't you say so? Scaring me like that.

Then what's the matter?

You know that girl Ramona that I like?

Well, the thing is...

She's pregnant, I knew it!

I swear I will break your neck!

Mom! No one is pregnant.

It's just that...

I like her.

A lot.

But she's hooked up with Silviu.

And she did it just to make me mad!

Why would you get mad? Well...

...because I refused to have sex with her.

What... with Silviu? No, Mom! With Ramona!

Well, good then. That was very wise of you to do that.

You know what sex is, right?

The fastest way to get a girl pregnant! Yeah...

...but now I feel like I let her down.

Honey, you're still young.

You have absolutely no idea what it takes to actually disappoint a woman.

But believe me, between now and your fifties, you're gonna have so many women to disappoint. It's fantastic.

Thanks for the confidence boost.

You know what you actually need?

A break.

I was embarrassed and tired, but worst of all I was on vacation with my mom.

But that all changed the moment I laid my eyes upon... her!

What the hell's wrong with you?

Never seen a lobby before?

Our room is upstairs!

Yeah, right.

You go. I wanna check out the place.

Thank you so much. Thank you, guys, have a safe travel.

Hey!

Listen. Do you know the girl at the front desk?

I'm... I'm asking for a friend.

Forget about her.

That girl is shady, man.

I heard she is into...

Video chat!

God!

That is... that is preposterous.

So can you introduce me to her? Sure.

Yo, Blondie, this guy likes you!

It's all arranged, sir.

Now that I had my intro, it was time to use my gold medal pick-up line on her.

Hey, pretty!

Do you believe in love at first sight?

In case you were wondering how I was still a virgin...

That's how.

What I meant to say is that you are the most beautiful woman in the whole hotel, a title which you share with my mother, whom I love, even when she dresses just like me.

Congrats! You've earned the chance to ask me my name.

So... What is your name?

Anemona. Pleased to meet you.

Andrei.

And I would very much like to take you out.

Sorry for wasting your time.

You can take me for a walk on the beach.

So...

What do you do when you're not working here?

I go to college.

Right, because... the guy at the bar actually told me you do video chat?

The guy at the bar has been hitting on me all summer.

You know what guys are like.

If a girl says no, she's suddenly a slut.

That's not true.

Except for Ramona, that slut!

Anyway...

I think my mom would rather me be doing video chat than working in a hotel.

Weird.

Listen, you should know that...

I have a boyfriend.

I don't want you to get the wrong idea, just...

Let's just enjoy the night and that's all.

Yeah.

I'd still like to know more about you.

So... what does your dad do?

Everything but mind us.

Sounds like he could be my dad.

Maybe we're brother and sister.

Like Cersei and Jaime?

Then this would be a really weird date.

So it is a date!

Well, you know... Dates usually end with a kiss.

Only if you impress the girl.

We're already in the moonlight.

You've got the sea over here.

What else would you want?

A serenade?

Really?

Wise men say

Only fools rush in

Shall I stay Would it be a sin?

If I can't help Falling in love with you

Like a river flows Surely to the sea Darling, so it goes Some things are meant to be Take my hand

That one kiss from her gave me a pocket rocket so strong I could've karate chopped a board in half with it!

I regret nothing.

Who the f*ck is Rien?

Warm up the machine.

Failure to properly warm up the engine and various other machine components can result in a decrease in service life of the machine.

Or in malfunctions.

In winter, run the engine for at least five minutes for proper warm up.

Then, run the engine at a low speed without a load to warm up the hydraulic oil and other machine components.

Keep the engine clean!

Dead leaves, paper dust and oil stains on and around the engine can catch fire.

Remove all such debris before commencing operation.

Wait a minute, I can't show you this part.

There are children in the audience, for crying out loud!

But I swear it was as sweet and delicious as a heavenly dessert.

You know that moment when you dip your finger into the honey jar, and it's so warm and sticky.

You can't get enough.

Or when you're enjoying a fluffy juicy cake and it just melts into your mouth.

Then, you feel like going for the cupcakes.

And you play with those perfect cherries.

Not too big, not too small... just right.

Something serious must've happened if she was calling me that late at night.

But then I decided to look on the bright side:

Maybe she was dying.

Now, where were we?

Oh, yeah! The grand finale, when you top it off with champagne.

Lots of champagne.

Especially if the bottle's not been shaken in awhile.

Lower...

Lower...

Do it!

Do what?

Holy... Mom!

What time is it? 10 a.m.

Come on, get dressed, we're missing out on tan-time.

Just let me freshen up a bit.

I really wanted Anemona to like me in daytime as well.

So I needed a little bit of maintenance.

I styled my hair.

Brushed my teeth.

Heck, I even showered!

It was pretty obvious that I was in a great mood, but what's up with my mom?

Why is she so upbeat and cheerful?

Hey, dude, guess what?

I just had a date with Anemona last night.

And I f*cked your mother last night.

Mom?

I don't wanna know.

You met someone last night, didn't you?

Actually, I did.

Someone I like...

I knew it.

But it's okay.

As long as you're happy. No, Mom. Not him.

It's alright, Andrei.

At least you can't get him pregnant.

Anemona!

What's wrong?

They fired me. What?

My supervisor came to me this morning and said I was fired.

She saw you leaving my room.

It's all my fault.

It could have been anyone.

Okay, there's a reality check!

So what now? Why are you all packed?

Because it's over for me here.

My boyfriend is coming to pick me up soon.

He can't see us together, you know?

And the hits just keep on coming.

I just wish we had a little more time together.

Alright, man up, show some grit!

I don't want you to go.

Please don't go.

Apparently, my flair for the dramatic outweighs my toughness.

It came out like a flood!

You know what? f*ck that, it's my story!

It was raining hardcore!

It was raining like the great flood was coming!

We'll keep in touch.

I'll come visit. No!

You can't, Andrei.

You live at the other end of the country.

This...

Us... it would never work.

Why fool ourselves?

It's... It's from the rain.

Hey...

If what happened between us was meant to be, I'm sure we'll meet again.

I have faith in these kind of things.

Just because a story doesn't have a happy ending, doesn't mean that it's over.

I take you to the beach to cheer you up and you leave here even more depressed?

You're being silly, Andrei! Besides, I don't even think he's that great a guy!

Mom! She's a girl!

Her name is Anemona and she is the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

Oh, yeah? That's funny.

I was under the impression that your mother was the most beautiful woman in the world.

What about Ramona? What do I care?

All I want right now is to be with Anemona and no one else.

Well, good for you! That's my boy!

I'm glad I raised me a boy who knows exactly what he wants in life.

That's good!

Yeah, great...

On second thought, I need you to drop me off at Ramona's as soon as we get there! What the f*ck?!

Hi there, I'm Andrei, Ramona's classmate.

Is your daughter home?

Ramona is my sister.

I may be older, but I'm not her mother!

God! Come in.

Are you... alright?

Do I f*cking look alright?

Look at me!

And is it alright for me to call you like crazy and for you to ignore me like I'm nothing?

So I didn't feel like answering my phone. Big deal.

What, are we together all of a sudden?

Or maybe you're just jealous.

Jealous of what?

I have a girlfriend now.

Really? What's her full name?

I don't know it.

What's her phone number?

I don't have it.

Is your girlfriend your left hand?

f*ck you! She's real!

I just can't prove it.

You know, that's what they say about aliens, and God too.

You're just jealous.

Jealous? Me?

Get f*cking real, Andrei!

You're crazy about me! You always come running like a puppy!

I just have to lift my finger.

Yeah? Yeah!

Well, you know what? Suck it, Ramona!

I don't need you in my life!

There are... There are thousands of girls out there way hotter than you!

Which I haven't met yet, it's true.

But I'm pretty f*cking sure none of them would treat me the way you do!

I'm just your puppy. Puppy...

Your puppy...

I'm not that sorry Silviu beat you.

I'll go to the police

and tell them you did it.

I'll tell them you left these marks on my face.

And see how smart you think you are then.

Idiot.

And f*ck off!

What happened?

Andrei, stop being like this! She needs you.

You know what? You can suck it too!

Okay. When?

How could I have possibly hit Ramona? I was at the seaside.

Then who did?

Scooby-Doo! Who do you think it was?

Silviu.

Or maybe she did it to herself?

Well, if it was Silviu, why would she say it was you?

Because Ramona is the offspring of Satan, that's why!

What I meant to say...

Really, Carla? Tampons?

It's all I had to throw.

Cut the bullshit!

You think that just because you're not saying anything, I can't see that you're upset?

Ramona told the school some pretty bad lies about me, because I've been ignoring her.

Well, that's what any girl would do if she felt hurt by a guy.

It means that she cares for you.

Really?

Dude, I don't get women at all!

How come every time I try something with a girl, I end up looking like a loser?

What do you really want? You want Ramona?

I thought you were in love with that girl from the beach, what's her name?

Anemona?

I don't have her number, I don't have her Facebook.

She's not to be found.

Just because someone's not on Facebook doesn't mean they don't exist.

But they have Instagram.

You can't give up just because you're afraid of failure.

Hey, don't judge me! I was 17 and single!

What did you want me to use the Internet for? Learning history?

She forgot her wallet in my taxi a few days back so I'm trying to give it to her in person.

Hello?

Hi, Anemona!

It's Andrei.

I sang to you on the beach.

You'll have to be more specific than that.

I've had lots of boys singing to me on the beach.

I'm kidding, Andrei! How are things? What's up?

It's all good, I'm good.

Listen, I'll be at the seaside for a couple of days... and I was thinking that maybe we can grab a coffee sometime?

Sure, that sounds nice. Where are you gonna stay?

I'll find a decent hotel.

Nonsense! You can crash with me.

Play hard to get.

Sure.

Sure, I... If you insist.

Let me show you something.

Hey?

Are you constipated?

This is so good.

I'm coming!

I'm coming! Just hurry the hell up and get out!

Open the door!

Open the door or I will break it in!

No, I'm gonna go. No, I'm going.

You're in the girls' bathroom. So what?

Let me go! I'll go. You stay here, okay?

You trust me? Yes.

Okay, I'll go then.

Okay.

Out! I wanna talk to this guy. I'm not leaving without him.

Out now!

It's okay. I'll be fine.

I'm only just about to be m*rder*d, that's all.

Okay, little man, I'm gonna ask you one question.

And you better god damn well think hard about the answer!

Were you f*cking in here?

Regretfully, yes, kind sir.

And I honestly didn't even enjoy it all that much.

Man to man, I congratulate you!

As a bouncer... wrong m*therf*cking answer!

It was at this moment that he knew. He f*cked up!

Ow! Oh, God, this is totally my fault.

Don't worry about it. It was worth it.

I think I might have an idea that will make you feel even better.

And that's when I understood the meaning of life.

You...

Blowjobs.

That night I helped her with an IT problem.

She had a beautiful pink laptop with a very nice USB port.

My USB stick was... average and...

Wait a minute, it's my damn story!

That USB stick was huge!

I was ready to fit that huge USB into her rear-mounted VGA, but yeah, she said she wasn't ready for that quite yet.

So...

Did you think about what you're gonna tell him?

I mean... your boyfriend.

About us.

There is no "us," Andrei.

Say what?

I'm with Tudor and I really don't wanna have this conversation right now.

Can we just rewind there a little bit?

I fell in love with you from the first moment I saw you!

You're a really good person, Andrei.

I never thought I'd meet someone like you.

But apparently not good enough. It's not that! It's just...

I'm f*cked up, okay? You're better off, believe me.

Can't I be the one to decide that? There is nothing to decide!

Tudor and I have been together for a really long time.

He is older, he is rich, he has plans.

He's been good to me. Okay!

You can stop right there.

I can't walk away from him.

But you can walk away from me.

You can walk away from me.

This is...

I...

f*ck it.

It's how it is. Life sucks.

Maybe you shouldn't have come here.

Don't say that. Don't.

This was all wrong.

But I love you.

You have to go.

The only thing that she didn't realize was that I didn't fall in love with her because I thought she was perfect.

I fell in love with her because I knew she wasn't.

When you're young and get kicked in the balls, everybody tells you, "Ah, you'll be fine! You'll find a non-ball-kicker soon."

They all tell you how it will pass, how it doesn't really matter what happens right now.

f*ck it, I always choose the wrong girls!

One of them is f*cking my best friend, and the other one has a f*cking boyfriend!

What the f*ck are you looking at?

It's nothing. It's just...

We wanted to tell you that we found out the truth about you and we totally think you're very brave.

What the f*ck are you talking about?

Ramona told us that Andrei didn't want to have sex with her that night because he confessed that he likes men.

What? Hey, it's okay.

If that's what you all think, then you can all suck my d*ck!

Maybe not the wisest choice of words in this context.

Yeah? f*ck you too!

Again... So gay!

If I'm gay, then you can all kiss my ass!

Andrei, relax!

Everything makes sense now, and we're all okay with this.

Even the teachers.

The teachers know?

If you ever decide to break up with this loser, give me a call.

f*ck off.

You stupid jackass!

And you... Stop sucking on this f*cking ice cream.

Remember this...

If a woman gives herself to you, she tells you that she wants to f*ck you and... you don't f*ck her

'cause you're... you're Ret*rded or something... she will make you suffer.

Sure. Just let me press the "go back in time" button and I'll totally f*ck Ramona.

What the f*ck do you want me to do now?

Well, for starters... Deal with that shit.

Make everybody stop thinking that you're an insecure gay nerd and a loser.

Hey, I am not a loser!

So now everybody thinks that I'm gay, the girl I used to like wants to make me suffer, the girl I love has a boyfriend...

It's like somebody is strangling my soul while making me listen to Britney Spears.

Yes, horrible.

Does life condemn us to be alone forever if we don't want to be hurt?

Or should we love even though we may cry and suffer and be unhappy?

Man, you want ketchup or mayonnaise?

Jesus...

How could she say I am gay?

Apparently, the only person who would still listen to me was Carla.

I like women.

I live to eat p*ssy.

So you wanna...

No, I...

I just want to forget about women and love.

Well, this is interesting,

I have 11 fingers.

I'm not kidding.

Look, it's... one, two, three, four, five... ten, nine, eight, seven, six...

Five plus six equals 11.

My math teacher must've been very proud.

Too much banana.

Stop tripping.

I know.

Maybe if you take off your shirt, you'll feel better.

Yeah, you're right.

I do feel better. Good boy.

Now let's get rid of those trousers too.

What's wrong with my trousers?

I don't know, you wanted to take off your trousers.

Man, you're really high. No, I'm not.

You think I don't know my own idea?

Maybe if you lie down, you'll feel even better.

I don't honestly think it's such a good...

And in that moment I finally understood how Leo DiCaprio felt when he f*cked... fought...

...fought the bear!

That was awesome!

I'm gonna go take a shit now.

Don't worry, lover! I'll be back!

Lover!

I'm coming!

You know, maybe running away from your problems is wrong.

But when your problem's a 400-pound sex-crazed hyena who only wants more...

Yeah, you might wanna keep on running!

Good morning, sir! I'm Captain Donger.

Baby, are you sleeping?

Come on, sweetie, wake up, please.

Get up, you lazy fart!

It's 12 o'clock, wake up already!

That's my boy.

Alin's come to visit.

And he came with the Russians? Why the hell are you yelling?

Andrei...

I'm very sorry, but... I have to break up with you.

Are you high? Yeah, a bit, yeah...

...but that's besides the point.

What the hell are you talking about?

Dude, we got to do something.

Last night, I was out talking to some chick and... every girl in this city thinks that I'm...

Well, at least you didn't bone Jabba the Hutt!

You know what's ten times f*cking worse?

They think I'm your boyfriend.

I feel you, bro.

And you're right. I hate Ramona for the whole thing, but last night I made up my mind.

I am going to show her and Silviu that I am not the loser they think I am!

Okay, you're overreacting.

So many years, but today is the day I say "No more!"

Dude... I refuse to be Ramona's lapdog!

Hey, assh*le! And the most important thing of all...

I refuse to have sex with another fat girl!

Wait, what?

Andrei!

Andrei!

Dude! Chill the f*ck out, you shitheel!

I overreacted a bit. You think?

But seriously, though, I will have my revenge!

If I wanted to impress Ramona, I needed a "look."

I began hittin' the gym.

Not for working out or anything, exercise is way overrated!

I needed some badass pics so that Ramona could see them.

Everyone found out that Alin and I weren't gay.

Alin should've been tickled pink that people thought I was his boyfriend.

I was finally ready.

Execute Operation Ramona!

Hey, look who just saw my instastory.

Ramona didn't just see me, that "biatch" felt me!

Hey, Andrei, how have you been?

Don't say a word.

Just let me look at you for a second.

You're still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen.

God, I missed you.

At that moment, I was sure even her soul wanted to f*ck me.

You look different.

I like it.

Of course you do.

A little bit arrogant, don't you think?

It's only arrogance if it's not true.

And we both know it is true.

Listen.

I got to bounce,

but maybe come over to my house one night, watch a movie...

You know, Netflix and chill.

Yeah, smooth as a bull in a china shop.

I don't know, we're not that close anymore.

And whose fault is it?

50 Shades of Andrei!

See you later, little goose.

Now that I'd planted the seed in her head, all I had to do was wait.

If everything went as planned, maybe I could also plant my seed in her.

Ramona started acting differently towards me all of a sudden.

You know...

Hey! What's up?

...like I was an actual human being!

Apparently, we were now on kissing terms whenever we saw each other.

The plan was working like a charm.

But there was something else I had to do first.

You f*cking p*ssy!

Jesus Christ!

What's wrong with you? Hey!

What? What?

What? Hey!

Carla!

I need to tell you something.

Please don't eat me!

Look, I know we haven't talked all that much since...

You know...

Since you ran like a little girl leaving me unsatisfied?

Yeah, I think I remember.

Well, that's the thing!

You are the most wonderful girl I've ever seen.

Andrei, I can't believe this! No, no, no, just...

Don't get me wrong!

I enjoyed our night together, but that's it.

I like you more like just a friend.

What? Come again?

Did I just get friend zoned by Jabba the Hutt?

You know, it won't be easy... but I will try to get over this disappointment somehow.

But know this...

I will never ever forget about you.

Kind of like the same way the Titanic will never ever forget hitting that iceberg.

You are so sweet, Andrei!

p*ssy!

Bye!

Guys, I know what I'm doing, okay?

Hey, Silviu, did you do your math homework?

Let me check.

Yo, peasant! Did we do my math homework?

Of course, boss.

Four pages.

Thanks. You're welcome.

Silviu!

Yes!

Yes what?

Yes, I would love to be your girlfriend!

What the f*ck are you talking about?

I got your flowers and I read your note too.

You know, from the ninth grade I hoped...

No, I knew that we would be together one day.

Are you high?

How the f*ck do you think you could ever be my girlfriend?

Don't you realize that you are as fat as a hippo?

Get lost, bitch! You're making me look bad.

Really?

But last year I was good enough for you to lose your virginity to, right?

What?

I thought we agreed not to talk about that.

m*therf*cker!

I let you defile my sweet cherry, and this is how you repay me?

Fight!

Fight!

Shot! Headshot!

Look at him crying like a little baby!

The same way he did after we had sex and you asked me to cuddle you!

So, we meet tonight as planned?

Wear something comfortable.

Wow!

Oh, cut it out!

I'm blushing. No, really, I'm amazed.

This is what you understand by "comfortable"?

What? My outfit isn't appropriate?

Yes, it is. For a party...

The f*ck?

Are you okay? Yeah.

Nothing will happen to you! Totally got your back!

All we have to do is climb a few stairs and we'll arrive at our destination.

"Climb a few stairs..."

Are you f*cking kidding me?

What is this, a date or the f*cking Olympics?

See? It's not that bad.

I can barely see where I'm stepping.

And you're staring at my ass.

f*ck!

I wanted to bring you somewhere very special for me.

Here is where I come and read from time to time.

I did want to have dinner with you tonight, but I figured a restaurant wouldn't be good enough for me to tell you that you are the most beautiful girl in the world and being here, you can see yourself the way I see you...

above everybody else.

Here's to... second chances.

Cheers!

Everything is starting to make sense now.

I'm beginning to understand what really matters in life and...

Me too!

Like beer, FIFA, chocolate.

I meant like... protection, support, loyalty.

I feel amazing right now.

I feel amazing with you.

I feel amazing with you too.

And I also got to stare at your ass.

You know, it's getting chilly outside and... your place is very close to here.

You wouldn't want to catch a cold, right?

Of course.

Maybe watch a movie, right?

You're all the same after all, aren't you?

I'm not like the other guys and you know it.

Yeah, right.

Guy in the fourth row, now's the time, buddy. Enjoy!

Nice fur!

I told you I'm not like the other guys.

Nothing will happen tonight. Goodnight!

Don't try this at home.

Morning!

I realized that nobody cares for me the way you do... and I'm sorry for all the bad things I've done to you.

And that was the exact moment when Hell began to freeze over.

All I want is another chance.

Give us this chance.

I know it's weird, but I was kind of enjoying the moment.

After all, I was in love with the girl for practically forever, and now she was asking me to be with her.

Wow, impossible is nothing, I guess!

I really want this to work between us.

Me too! Me too, and I know it will all work out.

What's wrong?

I have to go.

What, now? Where?

Please, brain, give me a good excuse!

Well...

The thing is...

I... have another girlfriend.

Wow...

What? f*ck you, brain!

You have another girlfriend?

Yes. She's at the bus station and I have to pick her up.

Sometimes it's just better to tell the truth...

That's a good one!

...because nobody will ever believe that it can be that stupid.

Holy shit!

Sure! I understand.

Gotta go pick up your "girlfriend."

You sure about that? Sure, baby.

You got to do what you got to do.

Go pick her up... okay. I will.

You can be honest with me.

Even princesses need to shit, you know.

You got me, you really got me!

But I really need to go. Like now.

Yeah, go!

What is wrong with all the people in your town?

Why are they all dancing?

We get high a lot.

He's so sweet, I like a lot...

Mom always knew how to make me look like a stud in front of the girls.

I know. Do you know, when he was about that age, he was about one years old, he... every time we put him in the bath, he pooped.

What? No! Yeah!

Yeah, just put him in the bath and out came a poo.

I don't know what it was.

It was something about the warm water, just kinda got his bowels going, so he just took a shit. That's horrible.

A little turd in the pool.

Every day for about six months, he pooed in the bath.

Oh, my god! That's so gross!

It was just when he was starting to walk as well, so he'd just stand up in the bath and just like "bluuup."

I know. Oh, God. Poor mother...

I know!

What did you do with that? Well, at the beginning... winky, winky.

Your poor guests.

Hey! What happened?

f*ck you, that's what happened!

You leave me in the middle of the road and then you don't say anything?

Really?

I'm sorry, but I was kind of busy.

For six hours? I thought you'd died on that toilet seat.

I'll make up for this, I promise.

Tonight, when you go out with me, you'll bring me lilies.

Oh, tonight... I don't think I can make it tonight.

I... I have a thing. Okay, tomorrow night then.

Tomorrow night...

It doesn't really work for me, I have to see a guy.

What guy?

My aunt's nephew.

You have to meet yourself?

Damn, brain, what the f*ck?

Andrei, is there something wrong?

Andrei?

Andrei!

Andrei!

The thing is we've only been together for two weeks and you cannot have me this whipped, okay?

All good? Can I have a shower now?

Only if you have the balls to enter the bathroom.

Maybe I'll join you in the shower.

Or maybe you'll join me in kicking your ass!

We have a problem.

You forgot the onions? Even if I don't say anything, it doesn't mean that I don't know something is wrong.

You're a Cancer, you don't know how to lie.

So, what's the problem?

Well... You know I love pancakes, right?

Do you want me to make you some pancakes?

But I also...

But I also love ice cream.

So what if I had to choose between the two?

What if I had to choose which desert I want to eat for the rest of my life?

All I can say is that...

That's not right to play both sides.

You have to decide what you want.

I want pancakes.

No, I want ice cream.

Or pancakes.

Or ice cream. I don't know.

The truth is, no matter how much you fight it, in the end you're still gonna end up crying.

For love? What?

No! From the onions.

But the most important thing of all is having the right recipe.

For the meatballs? No.

For love.

Sometimes you just have to look at it as a test you have to pass.

Love?

No, the meatball, pay attention!

The secret is in knowing how to reinvent yourself.

And if that doesn't work, then you need to spice things up.

The meatball?

The relationship.

Jesus! You're making no sense.

Baby, it's very easy.

If you would have liked the pancake that much, you wouldn't have noticed the ice cream.

But if you want to taste it, it's obvious that you like the ice cream more.

I love you. I love you too, son.

But if you get the ice cream pregnant, I'll shove your d*ck in the grinder!

You do realize we have a wardrobe, right?

In the spring, nature wakes up.

The trees become greener, the birds enchant our ears with their lovely songs and the squirrel gets busy.

You can't even imagine how much I've missed you!

This little squirrel... Sorry!

This medium-sized squirrel wants really badly to enter the hollow.

Yay! He made it!

Oh, yeah, the squirrel loves the hollow!

It's warm, it's cozy and it's dark.

It would like to stay in the hollow its whole life.

But it can't.

Usually, the squirrel can last for about ten minutes.

Fifteen minutes if it had a beer first.

After that, of course, he goes to sleep.

I've never had to come so quietly before.

Be happy you came, it doesn't happen too often.

I feel exhausted.

Sweet dreams, my artichoke!

Damn! Remember when my problem was not getting the girl?

Hi. Hey, hey...

What are you doing here?

Let's go for a walk. No!

I just... I couldn't sleep because we fought, so I decided to come and see you.

It's 1 am, let's talk in the morning.

No! I don't want to sleep knowing that we had a fight.

And...

I'm really horny. I want you.

Here and now... Are you insane?

What? The neighbors will see us.

So what?

Yeah, so what?

f*ck off!

I liked you for so many years and I've really thought you are the one who will make me happy, but...

No, no, no, we don't need a "but." It's okay.

Sadly, we do.

Because I realized my happiness lies somewhere else.

Don't say that.

We can work this out.

I'm sure!

I'm afraid we can't.

Ramona, this sick, toxic thing between us has to end.

Don't you have any feelings for me?

I do. Yeah?

I really do.

But it's not love.

It's not that love I always wanted and dreamt about since I was a little boy.

You cannot do this to me.

I'm sorry!

Wait!

You bastard...

How dare you?

It's getting late.

I have to go. Why? Hey!

I chose the ice cream.

Ow!

What ice cream?

Andrei!

Hey, I'm talking to you!

So, this is me now.

I live in Bucharest, I wrote a bestselling book, and everything seems perfect.

Of course, I missed out on being Ramona's boyfriend and, even though I was madly in love with her for years, it was the best decision I ever made.

Are you sure you need to go?

Yeah.

If I ditch him, he'll break up with me... again.

Party pooper!

But don't worry, I'll be back in... two or three hours.

Okay, so be it.

I'll let you cheat on me with Al.

Bye! I love you! I love you too!

What's up, star boy?

Since you've been writing successful novels you forgot about us, the regular people.

I can't believe this!

How are you? What are you doing here?

Well, I was in the area and I saw your Facebook check-in and I said "why not?"

Bring us two sh*ts, please!

So, long time no see...

No phone calls, no texts, no nothing...

Yeah, sorry to disturb you, guys. I am your biggest fan.

Can I have your autograph, please? Sure.

My girlfriend loves you.

What... Alex.

Thanks, thanks a lot!

That just proves my point.

Yeah, I suppose.

But the last time we saw each other you were... pretty pissed.

Who, me? Can't remember why.

I've been thinking of you, you know.

It even happened when I was f*cking someone else.

How f*cked up is that, right?

Let's not...

Why not?

Ramona, look...

I have a girlfriend now and I'm finally happy.

So...

Yes, it was nice, really nice seeing you...

but I need to get home.

Oh, my God, you're such a party pooper!

Stay a little longer and I'll drive you home after.

No, I'm... I'm okay, I'll get a cab.

Wait!

Did you think I was hitting on you?

Andrei... I'm engaged.

Oh, really? Yeah. To a very nice man.

His dad owns a football team, so relax.

You have nothing to worry about.

Come on, I'll drive you home and I'll go see my fiancé.

So? Shall we?

Ramona, you've been drinking.

I don't think it's such a good idea for you to drive.

I only had two sh*ts! Come on, don't be such a p*ssy!

You'll put on your seat belt.

Come on!

This guy I'm seeing, he's really something.

We've just been to Barcelona for a few days.

And I think I'll go skiing to Austria.

Great!

It's how we roll, from one vacation to another.

And he always buys me presents. Anything I want.

You should see his mansion, it's huge!

What the f*ck are you doing?

I think I'm a little drunk! But it's okay, I got this!

Ramona, pull over! No!

Ramona, pull over!

I'm gonna take you home.

We wouldn't want your girlfriend to panic, huh?

I'm not worried.

Just pull over so we can talk quietly. Okay?

What is wrong with you? Why are you behaving like this?

You know...

My fiancé... Is very rich, I got that.

No... not that.

I mean he is very rich, but...

Our life together isn't as perfect as it seems.

You know, the trips and the presents could never replace feelings.

What?

You just told me how happy you are.

You know...

Sometimes I just can't help wondering how my life would have been if we were together.

You would have made me very happy.

You don't know that.

Oh, my God...

I was so stupid.

It's all my fault.

If only I could take back time...

Ramona, stop! What are you doing?

Ramona, stop! Don't...

It was impossible for me to resist.

The meaning of life, you remember?

If Anemona showed me heaven while holding my hand, then Ramona just grabbed me by the d*ck and dragged me through Hell.

I did a terrible thing.

Ramona wanted to drive me home and... well...

That bitch stole your wallet?

She sucked my cock, you cock sucker!

Alin!

I found this under your pillow.

Yes, I have that so I can spank you later.

I can't believe I cheated on Anemona.

So what?

Shit happens.

Just text her you're sleeping at my place and tomorrow you'll go home and we'll never speak of this again.

Why do you have this in your room?

I have that so you can spank me later.

But I have to tell her. It's only fair.

Yo!

I was in your shoes a long time ago and I chose honesty.

Do you wanna know what happened?

She k*lled my hamster.

She cooked it and fed it to me.

Jesus!

Alin!

Anemona!

Anemona?

Well, boo-f*cking-hoo!

What kind of a comedy doesn't have a happy ending?

Anemona? Is that you?

No, it's not Anemona, you dumb-ass!

Look at you, crying like a little girl.

"Oh, Anemona, where are you? Please don't leave me!"

I don't know who you are, I don't know what you want...

But if you don't tell me, I will look for you, I will find you and I will k*ll you!

The speech from "Taken"? Seriously?

How ridiculously stupid!

Holy shit!

Hey, watch your mouth in the presence of... the Almighty!

You disgusting sinner!

Let's try this!

How did you do that?

If I'm God, I guess you must be Jesus.

You know, you can walk on water. Come on, try it!

What a dumb m*therf*cker! Who the hell are you?

You haven't figured it out by now? I'm future you, buddy.

If you are me, then f*ck you!

I mean... f*ck me! Whatever!

Wait!

You can take me wherever I want? Where do you wanna go?

So... You gonna hook up with her?

You know what?

f*ck you, dude!

You do know you could've just gone back to last night and not got blown by Ramona, right?