05x06 - Movin' Out

Episode transcripts for the TV show "Glee". Aired May 2009 - March 2015.
A high school teacher tries to reinvent the Glee Club.
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05x06 - Movin' Out

Post by bunniefuu »

So here's what you missed on Glee. It's springtime in the longest year ever at McKinley And it's almost time for graduation. Sue's principal and Becky's her Beckretary, Get out, bitch! Which is good because Becky made it clear She doesn't ever want to leave McKinley. Jake cheated on Marley with demon hellspawn Bree And he, like, didn't even say "I'm sorry" Which totally hit Marley like a ton of bricks That she broke through with a wrecking ball. Say what? And that's what you missed on Glee.

Hey, Sue, you mind telling me what's going on around here?

Why, it is the First Annual McKinley High Career Fair.

Where students come to expose themselves to the job market and its entry-level corporate recruiters.

Who we hope, in turn, do not, (chuckles)

well, expose themselves to our students.

But Sue, these jobs are-are terrible.

It' not the ' s anymore, William.

When any high-school dropout could stumble his way into a six-figure salary as COO of a dotcom startup.

Upon graduation, our students will be entering the most competitive job market in recent history.

But Sue, the thing that disturbs me is I don't see a booth theater or music or dance.

There is nothing here representing a career in the arts!

Well, that's because there's no such thing as a career in the arts.

William, I will not encourage members of this student body to further endanger their already uncertain futures in the unrealistic and narcissistic pursuit of stardom when the very best they're likely to achieve is coaching a high school Glee Club and marrying a redheaded googly-eyed h*m* afarensis with early-onset-dressing- like-an-old lady disorder.

Not gonna do it.

However, if you would like to set up a stool in between Salad Artistry and...

Fecal Sculpture, well, you're more than welcome to regale passersby with your inspiring story of how you dreamt of Broadway stardom and ended up rapping for high schoolers with a head of hair that looks just like Olympia Dukakis's merkin.

Hey, guys, in spite of the complete lack of representation at the Career Fair, I know that a lot of you are thinking about a career in the arts.

Well, it's no secret that Sue Sylvester doesn't believe that an artistic career is a very practical idea.

And, for once, I have to admit she's right.

It's completely impractical.

You know, anyone pursuing the arts needs to go in with their eyes wide open.

We're talking zero job security and impossible odds.


I've always believed that you have to pursue what you love.

And that's why this week's assignment is about a goofy-looking kid who struggled for years in the music business.


It's Marilyn Manson Week.


Billy Joel.

- Who?

- Oh, just a musical genius who's sold over million records worldwide.

WILL: That's right.

Billy had to fight every step of the way in his career.

He had countless failures and disappointments: writing songs that nobody wanted, playing piano in seedy bars just to pay the rent, being told he'd never make it because he didn't look "right." Translation: too Jewish.

But he ignored the haters and he kept pursuing his dream, becoming the third best-selling solo artist of all time.

I mean, he is a true inspiration to anyone pursuing a career in the arts, like our very own.

Mr. Blaine Anderson and Mr. Sam Evans.

- (cheering and applause)

That's right!

- All right, as some of you may or may not know, this week is my big.

NYADA audition.

I know.

It's terrifying.

So I'm leaving today to maybe get some last-minute tips from Kurt and Rachel.

And I'm going with him because I have an interview with the theater department at Hunter College.

They saw and they loved my "Tornado of Talent" impressions reel.

And I'm up for this awesome scholarship, the Channing Tatum Former Male Stripper Grant.

But we spoke to Mr. Shue and, because we have to miss this week's lesson, he thought the least we could do is maybe...

Kick it off with our very own take on a classic BJ.


Billy Joel.

Hit it.

(Billy Joel's "Movin' Out" begins)

♪ Ooh, ooh ♪

♪ Uh-huh ♪

♪ Mmm, mmm ♪

♪ Anthony works in the grocery store ♪

♪ Savin' his pennies for someday ♪

SAM/BLAINE: ♪ Mama Leone left a note on the door ♪

♪ She said, "Sonny, move out to the country" ♪

♪ Oh, but workin' too hard can give you ♪

♪ A heart att*ck-ack-ack-ack-ack ♪

BLAINE/SAM: ♪ You ought to know by now ♪ You ought to know by

♪ Who needs a house out in Hackensack? ♪ ♪ Now

♪ Is that all you get for your money? ♪

♪ And it seems such a waste of time ♪

♪ If that's what it's all about ♪

SAM/BLAINE: ♪ Mama, if that's movin' up then I'm... ♪

♪ Movin' out ♪

♪ Mmm, I'm movin' out ♪

♪ Sergeant O'Leary is walkin' the b*at ♪

♪ At night he becomes a bartender ♪

BLAINE/SAM: ♪ He works at Mister Cacciatore's ♪

♪ Down on Sullivan Street ♪

♪ Across from the medical center ♪

♪ Yeah, he's tradin' in his Chevy ♪

♪ For a Cadillac-ac-ac-ac-ac ♪

♪ You ought to know by now ♪ ♪ You ought to know by

♪ You can pay Uncle Sam ♪ ♪ Now

♪ With the overtime ♪

♪ Is that all you get for your money? ♪

♪ And if that's what you have in mind ♪

♪ Yeah, if that's what you're all about ♪

BLAINE/SAM: ♪ Good luck movin' up 'cause I'm... ♪

♪ And if that's what you have in mind ♪

♪ Yeah, if that's what you're all about ♪

BLAINE/SAM: ♪ Good luck movin' up 'cause I'm... ♪

♪ Movin' out ♪

♪ Mmm, I'm movin' out ♪

♪ Mm-hmm, mmm ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah ♪

♪ I'm movin' out. ♪

- Oh.




- Ta-da!

- Hi!


Oh, hi!

Oh, my God!

- What's going on?

- Hi!

I can't believe you guys are here.

- What?

You guys are...

- Oh, my God.

You guys are...

- Oh, wow!



- Oh, my God.

You guys...

- (school bell rings)

Hey, Becky.

Hi, hot stuff.

Want to suck face and look at my boobs?


Um, can I ask you something?

What do you plan on doing after you graduate?


What are you gonna do?

Film school.

I'm going to college in New York.



College is for suckers.

I know college might not be for everybody, but...

you know, Becky, when I was looking at schools that were good for people with disabilities, I learned that a lot of them have programs for mentally handicapable students.

And I'd be happy to help you do some research.

SUE: Oh, that won't be necessary.

Hey, Becky, will you excuse us - for just a sec?

- Sure thing, Coach.


: What exactly are you doing?

I-I just want to make sure that Becky was aware of what all her options are.

She could go to college and get a job...

Well, she has a job.

She's my Beckretary.

And here she will remain indefinitely in a safe and s*ab environment, working alongside someone who cares very deeply - for her.

- I was trying to help.

Well, if you really want to help, Muppet Stephen Hawking, you'll stop inserting yourself into situations you know nothing about.

(school bell rings)


I'm sorry.

For breaking into my locker?

For breaking your trust.


Marley, wait.

Look, I screwed up.

I made a stupid mistake, and I want to make it up to you.

Please just let me say I'm sorry.

You shouldn't have to.

You are who you are, and I knew who you were when I got into this.

It was stupid of me to try to change you.

I did change.

I'm not that guy anymore.

You are.

You'll always be that guy.

- Can I get you guys a refill?

- Why are you still working?

Aren't you rehearsing, like, / ?

Fanny Brice was a working girl.

My director and I think it's really important to keep the character as alive and authentic as possible.

So, did you boys like those historical sites I recommended?

Um, we checked out that deconstructed bathhouse on St.

Mark's where Tennessee Williams got in that fistfight - with Tallulah Bankhead.

- Oh, yeah.

- That was awesome.

- Cool.

Uh, but it was mostly campus visits.

Um, NYU, Columbia...


You're going to NYADA.

I-I need safety schools, Kurt.

- I haven't gotten in yet.

- But you will as soon as you audition.

The way I've talked you up to Carmen Tibideaux, she's gonna offer you a spot on the spot.

Which reminds me, are you up for a little trial run?

I don't want to send you into the lions' den under-rehearsed.

Come on.



Come on.

Don't worry.

The piano awaits.

Uh, hello, everyone.

Welcome to the Spotlight Diner and to a very special performance.


You all need to be stopped.

- That's enough.

- (Bell dings)

Now, you may not know the name Blaine Anderson yet, but you will soon when it's lit up all over Broadway.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, Blaine Anderson.


(playing piano)

Thank you, Kurt.

Thank you, everyone.

Sing along if you know it.

(Billy Joel's "Piano Man" begins)

♪ It's : on a Saturday ♪

♪ The regular crowd shuffles in ♪

♪ There's an old man ♪

♪ Sitting next to me ♪

♪ Making love to his tonic and gin ♪

(playing harmonica)

♪ He says, "Son, can you play me a memory? ♪"

♪ "I'm not really sure how it goes ♪

♪ "But it's sad and it's sweet and I knew it complete ♪

♪ When I wore a younger man's clothes" ♪

♪ La, la-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la-la-la ♪

♪ La-la ♪

(playing harmonica)

♪ Sing us a song ♪

♪ You're the piano man ♪

♪ Sing us a song tonight ♪

♪ Well, we're all in the mood ♪

♪ For a melody ♪

♪ And you've got us feeling all right ♪

♪ Oh, la, la-la ♪

♪ La-la-la ♪

♪ La-la, la-la-la, la-la ♪

(playing harmonica)

♪ Sing us a song, you're the piano man ♪

♪ Sing us a song tonight ♪

♪ Well, we're all in the mood ♪

♪ For a melody ♪

♪ And you've got us feeling ♪

♪ All right ♪

(playing piano)

(harmonica joins in)

(song ends)

(cheering and applause)

That was incredible!

There's no way you're not getting into NYADA!

Then all our dreams will come true!



Thank you.


Hey, Becky?

What do you want, a threesome with Kitty?

Um... no.

I was doing some research about those college programs I mentioned, and, well, there are lots.

Like, over , all over the country.

Some of them even have cheerleading.

I can do cheerleading in college?

You can do anything you want, Becky.

And I want you to know that you have choices, and I'm not gonna give up on you.

I know I have choices.

My choices is none of your business, Artie!

I don't want to go to college, and I don't want your stupid pamphlets!

Butt out!

(school bell ringing, Jake breathes loudly)

Dude, what's wrong with you?



Well, there has to be something, because I can't figure out why anybody would screw up the best thing in their life the way you just did.

Marley said it herself.

People know who I am, and they know what I do.

- You get involved at your own risk.

- Hey!

I can't believe you could be so stupid.

What do you want from me, Ryder?

We spend every day in that room telling each other to embrace who we are.

Do you want me to be different?

To not be me?

'Cause that's never gonna happen.

So start learning to like the real Jake Puckerman, or leave me the hell alone.

(Billy Joel's "My Life" begins)

♪ Got a call from an old friend ♪

♪ We used to be real close ♪

♪ Said he couldn't go on the American way ♪

♪ Closed the shop, sold the house ♪

♪ Bought a ticket to the West Coast ♪

♪ Now he gives them a stand-up routine in L.A. ♪

♪ I don't need you to worry for me ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm all right ♪

♪ I don't want you to tell me it's time to come home ♪

♪ I don't care what you say anymore ♪

♪ This is my life ♪

♪ Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone ♪

♪ I never said you had to offer me a second chance ♪

I never said you had to

♪ I never said I was a victim of circumstance ♪

Of circumstance

♪ I still belong ♪ ♪ I... still... belong

♪ Don't get me wrong ♪

Get me wrong

♪ And you can speak your mind ♪

♪ But not on my time ♪

♪ I don't care what you say anymore ♪

♪ This is my life ♪

♪ Go ahead with your own life and leave me alone ♪

Keep it to yourself, it's my life

♪ Keep it to yourself, it's my life. ♪

(school bell ringing)

I see your grades have improved over the past couple of semesters.

Yeah, I kind of had an, um... a breakthrough a few months ago, 'cause I'm-I'm not, like, a... a good student, but I realize that what I'm really good at is impressions, so, I started to do this impression of a good high school student, and it... it's kind of working.


Tell me why you want to go to Hunter.

Um, I-I don't know that much about it, except that there... well, there's more women than guys, and that's... that's great for me, because I'm totally into feminist issues.

Like, just because women don't make as much as guys do to do the same job, it's totally not cool that they aren't given the same amount of respect.

And, like, why can't...?

Well, why can guys go shirtless at the beach, but chicks can't?




girls can't.

I guess even I have a lot to learn still.

I'm also super jazzed to be going to school in New York City.

♪ Hello. ♪ - All the diversity.

- Oh.

So, you're black.


That-that must be interesting.

Do you know...?

This is a sh*t in the dark.

Do you know Mercedes Jones?

SAM: Oh, thanks, but I'm...

- I'm not hungry.

- Look, I'm sure that there are other schools that have more specific scholarships catered just for you.

Can I, um, tell you a secret?



I don't want to go to college.

I hate school.

I mean, I don't...

I don't hate it.

I'm just...

I'm not good at it.

- Well, who says you have to?

- Well, I mean, ever since I was a kid I've seen these United n*gro College Fund commercials, and it's, like, if you don't go to college, you're letting your whole family down, or you're destined for a life of eating out of Dumpsters or something.

I don't know.

So... please don't judge me.

Look, in life, it's not about knowing what you want.

It's about knowing what you can cross off your list that you don't want.

But I do know what I want to do.

I mean, it's been my dream since I was a kid.

Male modeling is pretty much the ultimate form of self-expression as far as I'm concerned. It's like acting or singing, but the only tools you have to perform with are your striking good looks and great abs. There is some truth to that.

All right, I have this vision.

You know, it's just so clear in my head.

I'm in Hollywood... and that's at one of those huge studios where they, uh, made Transformers and stuff.

This bus pulls up, and there's a picture of me on it, and I'm in my underwear. Calvin Klein or something. My junk is as big as a car. And I look at it, and it's awesome. Hey, buddy?

(speaking Spanish)

You probably think I'm crazy, right?

All right, eat up.

You're gonna need your strength.

We are gonna have a photo sh**t here, and we're gonna get some modeling shots for you to show to agencies.

Do you really think I could be a male model?

Welcome to New York, the city where dreams come true.

Quit stalking me, Abrams!

Don't make me get a restraining order!

I'm not stalking you.

I just want you to chill out a second and listen to me.


(Billy Joel's "Honesty" begins)

♪ If you search for tenderness ♪

♪ It isn't hard to find ♪

♪ You can have the love you need to live ♪

♪ But if you look for truthfulness ♪

♪ You might just as well be blind ♪

♪ It always seems to be so hard to give ♪

♪ Honesty is such a lonely word ♪

♪ Everyone is so untrue ♪

♪ Honesty is hardly ever heard ♪

♪ And mostly what I need from you ♪

♪ I can find a lover ♪

♪ I can find a friend ♪

♪ I can have security until the bitter end ♪

♪ Anyone can comfort me with promises again ♪

♪ I know ♪

♪ I know, oh, oh, oh-oh ♪

♪ Honesty ♪

♪ Is such a lonely word ♪

♪ Everyone is so untrue ♪

♪ Honesty♪

♪ Is hardly ever heard ♪

♪ And mostly what I need from you ♪

♪ It's what I need from you. ♪

(song ends)

Finally, you are telling the truth.

You've been in love with me since kindergarten.

I knew it all along.

Band geeks, get lost!

Artie is gonna show me his purple mushroom.

No, Becky, you misunderstood.

The song was just my way of telling you that you need to be honest with me, and honest with yourself.

I think you want to go to college, but you're scared.

And that's okay.

I'm scared, too.

I'm terrified of the whole thing.

But the only way for us to grow is to face our fears and move forward.

Am I right?

Do you want to go to college?

What if I go, and everybody makes fun of me again?

What if everybody calls me stupid like they always used to?

They won't, because you'll have all these awesome professors and counselors and new friends that'll have your back.

And all your old friends will have your back, too.

Like me.

Are you really my friend?


Come here.


At first, I was just hurt and angry and embarrassed, because he turned out to be exactly what everyone said he was.

And then, I was, like, "Okay, fine, it's over." But then, he's putting flowers in my locker, and then, he's singing "My Life" in Glee Club, like he's the victim.


It's just all so schizo.

And the worst part is, I still miss him.

Oh, of course you do.

And I hate it so much!




I'm just glad we didn't end up...

Doin' the humpty-hump?

- Ooh.

- Mom.




: Oh, my God, I'm scarred for life.

Oh, Marley.


You know, when I was your age, I was...

I was like a bad-boy magnet.


How do you think I met your dad?


So, I know why you loved Jake.

You know, but I am glad that you waited and dodged that b*llet.

You know, your first time is something that you can never get back, honey.

You need to hold out for a good guy this time.

You know, not just one you have feelings for, but someone you can trust.

You know?


Okay, Sam Evans, this is Barbara Brownfield.

She's our amazing photographer at Funny Girl. This is Sam Evans, my insanely handsome soon-to-be-supermodel friend.

I'm not gonna lie.

I'm really, really, really nervous.

Uh, I've been pitting out all my T-shirts.

Um, it's just like my entire future is in your hands.

You know, just try to hide all my bad angles.

What bad angles?



I love what you're doing.



: I'm feeling it.

(shutter clicking)

We got it.


You're waiting for the bus.

Look for the bus.

Oh, I love that.

Hey, want a piece of this?

Come on.

How about you're so hot that you had to take some clothes off?

Okay, strip it off.

Come on, Sam.


Okay, let me just put a little bit of this oil on you.

Looking great.


BARBARA: Flex, like...





BARBARA: There you go.


Thank you.

We got it. Artie Abrams...

(over speaker): wheel your butt into my office, now.

♪ I went to my pharmacy and took the liberty of purchasing you a good old-fashioned ear douche, because you obviously didn't hear me when I distinctly told you, with perfect diction and great clarity, to stop meddling in the affairs of one Becky Jackson.


Principal Sylvester, Becky told me herself she wants to go to college, and there's no reason why she can't.

How dare you lecture me.

You don't think I know that?

You don't think I've contacted each and every school and quizzed them endlessly about their programs?

Then why aren't you helping her?

- Because she's not ready.

- Or maybe you're not ready.

I know you love Becky like a daughter, and you want to protect her, and I get it, because of everything you've been through.

But you have to let her go.

There's a really good program for students with Down syndrome at the University of Cincinnati, and I'm gonna take her there for a tour.

Her parents already gave me permission.

It's only two hours from here, and it'd be really easy to visit.



Ask tough questions.

Is there Wi-Fi on campus?

Do all freshman gain pounds from cafeteria food?

I want a full report when you come back.

(school bell ringing)

Go out with me.

Ryder... no.

Look, I'm single, you're newly single... why not?

I have good family values.

I-I-I go to church.

I've never been arrested.

I'm not ugly.

Now that I can read, I get good grades, and...

I've always thought you were the most amazing girl in the history of the world.


really sweet.

I just don't think I want to date anyone right now.

What happened with Jake was really painful, and I need a little break from men.


Look, I'm a really, really good guy, Marley.

I would never hurt you.

All I need is a chance, and I swear I would never, ever do to you what he did.

I'll think about it.

♪ Some people stay far away from the door ♪

♪ If there's a chance of it opening up ♪

♪ They hear a voice in the hall outside ♪

♪ And hope that it just passes by ♪

♪ Some people see through the eyes of the old ♪

♪ Before they ever get a look at the young ♪

♪ I'm only willing to hear you cry ♪

♪ Because I am an innocent man... ♪

♪ ♪ I am ♪

♪ An innocent man ♪

♪ Oh, yes, I am ♪

♪ Some people sleep all alone every night ♪

♪ Instead of taking a lover to bed ♪

♪ Some people find that it's easier ♪

♪ To hate ♪

♪ Than to wait any more ♪

♪ I know you don't want to hear what I say ♪

♪ I know you're gonna keep turning away ♪

♪ But I've been there, and if I can survive ♪

♪ I can keep you alive ♪

♪ I'm not above going through it again ♪

♪ And although this is a fight I can lose ♪

♪ The accused is ♪

♪ An innocent man... ♪

♪ I am... ♪

♪ An innocent man ♪

♪ Ooh, yes, I am... ♪

♪ Oh, whoa-ho-ho... ♪

(song ends)

Marley, will you go out with me?



Carmen Tibideaux is a classicist, so for your audition, let's try to avoid shocking patterns, and anything that says, "Look at me, I'm the center of attention, and this primary color proves it." Uh, Kurt... wait.

Just stop.

I have to tell you something.

Oh, no.

You've got that look.

That look I saw the night after callbacks.

If you cheated on me again, I will not accept sex addiction as an excuse.

I... don't want to audition for NYADA.

- Well, you can't get in on reputation alone.

- No, NYADA is just a performing arts school... that's all you can study there.

I have other passions, other... interests I might want to explore in college.

- For instance?

- I don't know.

You know how much I love kids, and I'd love to be a teacher like Mr. Shue, or...

or premed or something.

Of course.

How could I forget the numerous conversations - we've had about you wanting to be a doctor.

- My passion for medicine has always been my secret shame.

My first guy crush was... George Clooney, aka Dr. Ross, on ER. And it's no secret what my favorite Milton Bradley game is.

Here goes his funny bone.



: Dang.

It's a great relief to be able to tell you this now.

I'm just glad I did it before my audition.


We're getting married.

I know you, and I get it, and this is a sweet side of you that I don't get to see very often.

You're scared.

- Of what?

- Look, when I first moved here, I-I honestly felt like I was Crocodile Dundee.

Right, the city's huge, the buildings are huge.

And everywhere you look, it's, like, there's all these beautiful people who seem to have just come from some secret meeting where they teach you how to make it in the big city.

What if I don't get in?

You didn't.

You will.

And if you don't, it won't matter.

You're a performer; you're gonna find the spotlight.

And you can't shy away from your greatness just because you're afraid you're not great enough.

You have a gift, and it wouldn't be right to let you hide that away.

Thanks for knowing me.

I love you.

I love you, too.

And we're in this together.

I can't stop you from failing, but...

I can promise to make it safe if you do.

And I think Santana should do your makeup.

WOMAN: Becky, our goal here at the University of Cincinnati is to make college life as inclusive as possible.

This is one of our independent living classes.

Students are working on bill paying and budgeting their money.

Everybody, this is Becky Jackson.

She's thinking of coming here.

BOY: Don't.

This place sucks.

Just kidding.

I love it here.



Is that your boyfriend?


Hell, no.

He's got herpes.


Just for the record, I don't have herpes.

Becky, I think you're very funny, and very pretty.

Tell me something I don't know.

Oh, snap.


TEACHER: Becky, would you like to stay and watch the class for a while?

BOY: Yeah.

You can sit next to me.



So, how is your name pronounced again?

Because I heard it was "Bee-shay," but now that I see it spelled out, it looks like it should be "Bitch-ette." Like a little mini bitch.

Is that what your name means in French, or Italian, whatever it is?


I tend to talk too much.

I'm used to dealing with boys far prettier and considerably stupider than you.

Oh, cool.

Look, I agreed to meet with you because I trust Barb Brownfield's eye.

And I must admit, I do respond to your look.

Your Midwestern eyes have the vacant stare of a cow's.

I don't have any of those on my roster.

And you have a unique mouth.

It's, like, your lips, they're kind of like...



That's it.

Trouty mouth.

Can I have, uh, one of these...


So, this is how this works.

These pictures...

- Mm-hmm.

- They're nice.

But you need better.

And you are gonna pay for those yourself.

Wait, so are you saying you're gonna sign me?

Because if you do, I swear, I won't let you down.

I have been working, like, - my entire life on different poses...

- Oh, slow down, Midnight Cowboy.

Look, this is how male modeling works.

Most of what you'll get will be runway, and you're not gonna get paid for that, but hopefully, they'll let you keep some of the clothes.

Now, if you book print work, chances are you'll be a shirtless pawn, there to enhance the real gem of the sh**t... the girl.

You'll be paid enough to live in the city, with roommates.

This is not glamorous.

This is not what you think it is.

You are one of , beautiful boys here in New York City, and the word that you will hear more than any other during your brief career...

will be...

"no." Well, you know, like, dreams aren't easy, and, I mean, I come from a place where even the idea of sitting in this room with you would seem impossible.

I mean, I know who I am, and...

I know where I'm headed in life.

I can take a few no's along the way.

I do like you, Trouty Mouth.


Well, this is awesome.

Okay, this is so awesome.

I'll get those, - uh, pictures taken right away.

- Uh, no, no, no, you won't.

You're gonna have to wait at least a week.

- You got to lose ten pounds.

- Well, ten pounds doesn't really seem healthy to me... you think I'm... fat?

Not for Kansas.

- Ohio.

- Look, you are in the big time now, cowboy.

The camera likes... starvation.

We don't have room for this.

Uh, yes, we do.

Right there.

Okay, seriously, I'm not gonna be able to survive if you and your Hag Berry are gonna be tickling those ivories, belting out gay hits from Rent and Showboat all day.

It's a thank you for allowing me and Sam to stay here.

- Hey, you guys, I have some bread here if you want.

- No can do.

No, right now I'm just on this Mentos and flavored air diet.

Sam, that's ridiculous.

You don't need to lose ten pounds.

Yeah, Sam, we all agree.

You don't need to be prison-camp skinny to be a model.

- I think you should find another agency.

- No, House of Bichette is, like, the best agency in town.

You know what I think?

I think that this argument would be best made in a song.


SANTANA: Oh, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Do you see this?

This is what's going to happen from every argument or discussion or meal from now on.

It's gonna end in a freaking sing-along.

It's bad enough we need to be singing waiters, okay?

I can't have this in my home.

I need my peaceful place.

You don't have to sing, Santana.

(Billy Joel's "Just the Way You Are" begins)

But I dare you not to.

♪ Don't go changin' ♪

♪ To try and please me ♪

♪ You never let me down before ♪

♪ Mmm, mmm ♪

♪ Don't imagine ♪

♪ You're too familiar ♪

♪ And I don't see you anymore ♪

♪ I would not leave you ♪

♪ In times of trouble ♪

♪ No, we never could have come this far ♪

♪ Ooh ♪

BLAINE/RACHEL: ♪ I took the good times ♪

♪ I'll take the bad times ♪

♪ I'll take you just the way you are ♪

♪ I don't ♪

♪ Want clever ♪

♪ Conversation ♪

♪ I never ♪

♪ Want to work that hard ♪

♪ Mmm ♪

KURT/SAM: ♪ I just want someone ♪

♪ That I can talk to ♪

♪ I want you just ♪

ALL: ♪ The way you are ♪

♪ I need to know that you will always be ♪

♪ The same old someone that I knew ♪


♪ What will it take ♪

♪ Till you believe in me ♪

♪ The way that I believe ♪

♪ In you? ♪

KURT/BLAINE: ♪ I said I love you ♪

♪ That's forever ♪

♪ Forever ♪

♪ And this I promise from the heart ♪

♪ Mmm, mmm ♪

SAM/RACHEL: ♪ I couldn't love you ♪

♪ Any better ♪

ALL: ♪ I love you just the way you are... ♪

♪ I love you just the way ♪

♪ I love you just the way ♪

♪ I love you just the way you are. ♪

(school bell rings)

Good night, Coach.

That's it?

Don't let the bed bugs bite?

You've been sitting out there all day long with little dream bubbles floating over your head and not once have you come in here to tell me how your trip to college went.

I don't want to hurt your feelings, Coach.

I don't have any feelings, Becky.

It was okay, I guess.

I don't have to take math.

Someone takes notes for me.

I can learn photography.

Well, that sounds better than okay to me.

To tell you the truth, it was awesome.

(clicks tongue)

Are you sure you're ready for this, honey?

I never thought to say this.

I've outgrown these... high school bitches.


You're not sad, are you, Coach?

I'm sad to be losing the best damn secretary since the pre-collagen injected Melanie Griffith in Working Girl.


But I'm more proud than I am sad.

Think I can help you write your application essay?

Sure, Coach.

Let's see what you got there.


Okay, well, you can't say that.

And you can't say that.

I can't say "crap" or "douche"?

Even if you're talking about Graydon Carter.

(school bell rings)

(clears throat)

Check your Instagram.

O... kay.


When did you do all that?

Uh, last night.

After I dropped you off.

I kind of couldn't stop thinking about you.


Look, I don't want to freak you out and move too fast or anything, but I'd love to do it again.

Like, maybe tonight?

So, you guys are, like, really a thing now?


It's, uh, none of your business anymore.


Well, congratulations.

Duty calls.

Okay, if I'm going to be honest here, just because we go out once doesn't mean that we're...

going out.


I still just need time for me.


Are we done, Coach?

Oh, not quite yet, Becky.

We're gonna drench this whole thing in glitter and hoist three dozen rainbow flags.

Got it, Coach.

Go Bearcats!

Go Bearcats.

So you finally came around.

What made you see the light?

Well, Butt Chin, in the words of Civil Rights leader.

Genghis Khan, everyone deserves a sh*t at their dreams, and I suppose that includes your hopelessly misguided teen hobgoblins.

Now, don't forget to remind them about the myriad of show business legends born and bred right here in Lima.

And that would be a total of one, Ms. Phyllis Diller.

You know, in a few decades, when the New Directions are all on unemployment and sexually pleasing some horny old casting assistant just so they can be extras on season of The Bachelorette, they'll look back on this time and remember you fondly.

TINA: That's not true, Sue Sylvester!

One day, we're gonna be big, big stars.

SUE: Well, of course you are, my dear.

Isn't that right, William?


They're back!

ARTIE: Yo, dawgs, tell us everything.

SAM: Fact: Blaine thought he wanted to be a doctor for a minute and then Kurt talked him out of it and then he went to NYADA and he crushed his NYADA audition.

Sam, that was my news.

Oh, and, uh, Mr. Shue, did you know that Billy Joel never went to college?

Fact: he didn't, and I think you forgot to tell us about that.

So I'm gonna skip college, too, - and become a male model.

- Impossible.

You're too fat.

No, I'm not.

And I don't care what you or Ms. Bichette or anyone says.

I like me just the way I am, and I'm not gonna - change for anyone.

- Well, that is just the screw-you spirit employers love.

Honest to God, I cannot imagine what goes on in your lumpish, sexually ambiguous heads.

'Cause they're nuts.

Every one of them is crazy!

Becky, you may be right.

- We may be crazy.

- Oh, no, no, no, no.

Don't you dare.

Over my d*ad body will you inexplicably shoehorn in another Billy Joel song just to punctuate one of your weekly lessons that inevitably veers off into a saccharine barrage of angst and affirmation.

(Billy Joel's "You May Be Right" begins)


♪ Friday night I crashed your party ♪

♪ Saturday I said I'm sorry ♪

♪ Sunday came and trashed me out again ♪

ARTIE/KITTY: ♪ And you told me not to drive ♪

♪ But I made it home alive ♪

♪ So you said that only proves ♪

♪ That I'm insane ♪

ALL: ♪ You may be right ♪

♪ I may be crazy ♪

♪ But it just may be a lunatic ♪

♪ You're looking for ♪

♪ Turn out the light ♪

♪ Don't try to save me ♪

♪ You may be wrong ♪

♪ For all I know, but you may be right ♪


♪ Now think of all the years you tried to ♪

JAKE/RYDER: ♪ Find someone to satisfy you ♪

♪ I might be as crazy as you say ♪

KITTY/ARTIE: ♪ If I'm crazy then it's true ♪

♪ That it's all because of you ♪

♪ And you wouldn't want me any other ♪

♪ Way ♪

ALL: ♪ You may be right ♪

♪ I may be crazy ♪

♪ Oh, but it just may be a lunatic ♪

♪ You're looking for ♪

♪ It's too late to fight ♪

♪ It's too late to change me ♪

♪ You may be wrong for all I know ♪

♪ But you may be right ♪

♪ You may be right ♪ ♪ You may be right

♪ I may be crazy ♪ ♪ I may be crazy

♪ Hey, but it just may be a lunatic ♪

♪ You're looking for ♪

♪ Turn out the light ♪ ♪ Turn out the light

♪ Oh, don't try to save me ♪ ♪ No, no, no, no

♪ You may be wrong for all I know ♪

♪ You may be right ♪

You may be wrong ♪ ♪ You may be wrong ♪

♪ But you may be right ♪ ♪ You may be

Wrong ♪ ♪ You may be wrong ♪

♪ But you may be right ♪ ♪ You may be wrong

♪ You may be wrong but you may be right ♪ ♪ Hey, you may be wrong ♪

♪ You may be wrong but you may be right... ♪
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