03x24 - Mr. Terrific

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ traveled down the road and back again

♪ your heart is true
♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ and if you threw a party

♪ invited everyone you knew

♪ you would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ and the card attached would say

♪ thank you for being a friend ♪

- hi, ma.

- How'd the interview go?

Terrific.

I have my choice of summer jobs.

Three interviews this week, three offers.

That's because you're showing more leg like I told you.

I don't think the woman at the employment agency was interested in my legs.

Grow up.

Don't you watch tv?

80% Of the women in primetime are switch-hitters.

Ma, tv soap operas aren't real life.

I'm not talking characters.

I'm talking actresses.

Pick up an enquirer sometime.

You'll learn something.

I am exhausted.

I have spent this entire day bed-shopping.

Have you no shame?

Bed-hopping nowadays is sexually irresponsible.

Not bed-hopping, ma.

Bed-shopping.

Yeah, right.

Nice cover.

It's true.

I need a new bed.

My old one is falling apart.

The prices are outrageous.

The bed I wanted cost more than the down payment on my first house.

In sicily, beds were dirt-cheap.

It was because you slept on dirt.

If my name were mark twain, you'd be writing this stuff down.

Girls, you won't believe what happened to me this afternoon.

I met mister terrific!

Rose, don't be so quick to judge.

I once thought I met mr.

Terrific.

Turned out there was also a mrs.

Terrific.

I found myself ducking a mr.

Vase.

You don't understand.

I really met mister terrific at the mall.

He was signing autographs in an empty storefront that used to be jack kemp's campaign headquarters.

Rose, he's wearing a cape.

And a mask.

He's wearing a cape and a mask.

Wait a minute.

Is this guy an insurance salesman named marshall herskovitz?

That's his costume.

Don't tell me you've never heard of mister terrific.

Mister terrific's clubhouse?

Every weekday afternoon, one full hour on saturdays?

- That clown with the kiddie show?

- No.

Not a clown.

A superhero.

You're thinking of bozo.

I'm talking to bozo.

Wait.

What's this here?

"To the fairest rose I've seen until tonight.

Mister terrific"?

He asked me out.

We're going to dinner.

Can you believe it?

No.

Actually not.

You spent 30 seconds getting an autograph.

You don't know the guy.

Dorothy, he's a television celebrity.

Besides, I talked to him for over an hour.

There weren't too many people in line.

A mr.

Whipple look-alike was next door demonstrating the new three-ply toilet tissue.

I better get ready.

He's picking me up at 7:00.

Can you imagine making a date with a guy you met at a mall?

Pretty strange.

I'll say.

She didn't even know what kind of car he drives.

Oh, sophia, did they deliver my new bed?

They were here all day setting it up.

For that simple bed?

Simple?

I haven't seen so much brass since the brass-knuckle rv show at the palermo hilton.

I don't believe it.

They delivered the wrong bed.

- Blanche, do you think...

- Not now.

- What's her hurry?

- That enormous thing in her bedroom.

I thought she'd stopped seeing roger.

How do I look?

Not bad.

You got another date with captain marvelous?

Mister terrific.

You didn't read many comic books when you were a child.

We had comic books in sicily.

My favorite was benito the hood.

He lived in the forest with his band of merry thugs.

- Benito was very popular.

- He stole from the rich and gave to the poor?

I said benito the hood, not benito the idiot.

He stole from everyone and kept it for himself.

Didn't even share it with his band of merry thugs.

He was the idol of many a sicilian youngster.

That's what they did all right.

Delivered the wrong bed.

You don't like this one?

Oh, I think it's stunning.

I absolutely love it, but I can't afford it.

That bed back there must cost...

Exactly what I paid for the one I ordered.

They made a mistake.

They charged for the inexpensive bed.

Merry christmas from neiman-marcus.

Sophia, she can't keep that bed.

That'd be like stealing.

It's only stealing if they find out.

Well, the bed's in my bedroom.

Who's gonna know?

Everyone who knows the bunt sign on the new york yankees.

Look, everyone.

Mister terrific.

Rose, please.

You're embarrassing me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I get such a kick out of your slogan.

That's a slogan?

"Look, everyone.

Mister terrific"?

Twenty-two years next fall.

You must be sophia.

I'm blanche devereaux.

A pleasure to finally meet you.

Oh!

You watch the show?

Why?

I already know how to brush my teeth.

Good for you.

Then you won't be rounded up by the cavity cops.

Oh.

Dorothy, I'm glad you're here.

Meet mister terrific.

Oh, mister terrific, meet mrs.

Severely depressed.

Dorothy, what's wrong?

I found out what my job at the camp is.

Head of arts and crafts.

I'll be spending the entire summer gluing macaroni to construction paper.

Dorothy's a high school teacher looking for summertime work.

Really?

I might be able to help you out.

My producer's been looking for someone with education credentials to act as a consultant on the show.

It sounds like it could be interesting.

Oh, I doubt it.

The only really interesting job on the show is being me.

But I'll be glad to see what I can do.

Rose, we better get going.

If you can do anything to help, it would be really...

Terrific?

Nice meeting you.

Good-bye.

Good-bye and thank you.

Don't count on that job, dorothy.

Many women have had their hopes dashed by smooth-talking tv sharpies.

Dave garroway told me if I treated him right, I'd be his sidekick on the today show.

I said no and he ended up with a monkey.

Draw your own conclusions.

♪ T-e-double-r-i-f-i-c ♪ shove a "mr." In the front and you've got me ♪ okay, boys and girls, it's time to learn about our special word.

Kolak!

Tell us what today's special word is.

Splotnick.

The word for today is "hot." "Hot" has a lot of meanings, boys and girls.

Coffee is hot.

A stove is hot.

Angie dickinson is hot.

Very funny, mr.

Stage manager.

And now, boys and girls, we're going to...

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

My...

My super-terrific hearing detects a visitor.

It's mr.

Policeman!

Disguised as mr.

Mailman.

Why?

Why?

Why don't I find out why while you boys and girls watch another very special adventure of ricky the flying turtle.

See you in a few minutes.

Clear!

Freddy.

It's been 16 years.

When are you going to learn?

Tuesday, it's mr.

Policeman.

Thursday, it's mr.

Mailman.

And he wonders why he can't have his own series.

Dorothy, I read your memo.

I like the way you think.

Well, thank you, mr.

Hastings.

Thank you.

You've got modern ideas for a woman your age.

You're just saying that.

No.

No.

I mean it.

I really think you're old.

Dorothy, how's the show going?

Terrible.

But better than thirtysomething.

Five, four, three, two.

Wasn't that fun, boys and girls?

Twylar.

Kolak says that I have to return to my home planet of twylar immediately!

So we'll just say good-bye this time, until next time, boys and girls, when you turn on your tv sets and hear...

Look, everyone!

Mister terrific!

Clear!

Hi, rose.

Let me change capes and we'll be on our way.

- In my office, terrific, now.

- Say "please," mr. Producer.

Little twerp.

He was on my show when he was five.

He sat on my lap and peed on me.

I guess old habits die hard.

Why don't I go back with dorothy and you can stop by when you're finished.

You're a terrific lady, rose nylund.

Thank you.

How come you're not wearing the terrific lady button I got?

Ooh, sorry.

Yes.

Right.

I'm nuts about that guy.

You'd have to be.

But, you know, it's so strange.

You have no idea what it's like dating a superhero.

Sure I can.

Why, my stan and superman had a lot in common.

They were both faster than a speeding b*llet.

I haven't had a decent night's sleep in weeks.

Every time I climb into bed, I feel guilty.

Take down the video equipment.

I'm talking about the brass bed.

I shouldn't have kept it.

Rose was right.

It's like stealing.

Call the store and return it.

I've had it over three weeks.

They won't take it back.

How much wear can you give a bed in just three weeks?

I see your point.

Hi.

I thought you had a date with mister terrific.

He'll be over.

The producer had to have an important meeting with him.

I have a feeling it was to discuss the recommendations that I made.

I hope you recommended he do some exercise.

A man shouldn't be allowed to wear tights unless he's got a butt like baryshnikov.

There he is.

Dorothy, what do you think I oughta do with my bed?

Put it in the smithsonian, blanche.

It has more miles on it than the spirit of st.

Louis.

I am serious.

What do you think?

You know the difference between right and wrong.

Please.

In bed, she only knows the difference between right and left.

Honey, why are you still wearing your costume?

I couldn't wait to get out of there.

Why?

What happened?

They fired me!

And it's all her fault!

Fired you?

How could they fire mister terrific?

How?

I'll tell you how.

The newly hired amateur consultant had a few recommendations on how to improve my show.

They were only suggestions...

Ideas that I thought would help the show.

Oh, like changing the theme song?

Well, I mean, frankly, the lyrics are a bit inane.

I wrote those lyrics.

How did dorothy get you fired?

They loved her ideas.

They said I should use them.

I said no.

They said, "you're fired." It was never my intention for this to happen.

I'll go in the morning and talk to him.

Don't worry.

If dorothy says she'll get your job back, that's exactly what she's gonna do.

I guess it's worth a sh*t.

Look.

Here's where you can reach me.

Call if you work things out.

- I'll be there until show time.

- Fine.

- One more thing.

- What's that?

Leave by the back door.

Mr. Hastings, I need to speak with you.

I've got a show to air and no star.

- Find him yet?

- I know where mister terrific is.

Not mister terrific.

Mr. Mailman.

He's our guest host, but he's disappeared.

Oh, uh, try the ladies room.

I found him there once when he was playing mrs.

Nurse.

- I didn't know we had a mrs.

Nurse.

- We don't.

Look, mr. Hastings, when I made those recommendations, I never intended for you to fire mister terrific.

- I was merely...

- The guy is history.

People don't want that kind of show anymore.

- The public loves him.

- The numbers say different.

- I found him.

- Great.

You got two minutes.

I'm not going on.

No one can replace mister terrific.

You can say good-bye to mr.

Policeman.

It's thursday.

I thought he was supposed to be mr.

Mailman.

What do we do?

Your star is a phone call away.

Give me the word, and mister terrific will be back.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I think I've got a better idea.

- Hi.

- Hi.

Well, I guess your friend couldn't work things out.

There's still time.

I think my time has passed, rose.

Twenty-two years, I've been mister terrific.

Twenty-two years!

I was doing weekend weather forecast when I turned an old blanket into a cape and created mister terrific.

Kolak the puppet?

I made him from a sock.

Ten minutes before airtime.

It was an argyle.

Back in those days, kolak used to be from scotland.

Everything about that show came from inside my head.

And off your foot.

Kids started tuning in in droves.

The critics called me the next captain kangaroo.

Mr. Green jeans sent me a fan letter.

I'm not going to let it end like this.

I can't believe my fans would want it this way.

Dorothy won't let you down.

I'll bet she's on her way to a phone.

So I'm mrs.

Schoolteacher.

And I'm going to be your friend just for today.

Of course kolak from twylar will also be here.

Later.

Where are you going?

Back to the studio.

There's only one thing left to do.

Who was that nut?

I don't know.

Mister terrific usually comes in alone.

So you see, it's very important that we eat lots of fruits and grains and try to avoid sweets.

Right, kolak?

Why don't you try to avoid sweets?

It's not a pretty picture from down here.

Why, kolak, I didn't know that you could speak english.

What you don't know could fill a space the size of guam.

Since you've brought up guam, why don't we talk about geography for a little bit.

You wanna see some geography, lady?

I'll show you geography.

Whoa, kolak!

You know what we call this on the planet twylar, huh?

Oh, mrs.

Schoolteacher, like that's really gonna shut me up.

- What'll we do now?

- Why don't you tell the boys and girls how you gave mister terrific the a*?

A cartoon.

A cartoon.

That's right.

Here we go.

- You're clear!

- That's it.

I'm finished.

Dorothy, calm down.

Things are going very well.

Very well?

They were trying to k*ll me.

They want mister terrific back, and so do i.

Dorothy, how could you?

I thought you were my friend.

I am, rose.

I am.

They were pushing me out there.

Before I knew it, I was singing the mister terrific theme song.

I'm sorry, rose.

I didn't intend for this to happen.

Explain that to mister terrific.

He thinks you stole his job.

I promise.

The minute I see him.

He's right here.

We...

Where'd he go?

Mister terrific's on the ledge like he's about to jump!

Oh!

Hey!

Hey!

Where's everybody going?

We've got a show to do.

You're on.

I'm on in five, four, three, two.

Hi, kids!

Hi there, mister terrific.

How you doing?

Terrific.

Uh, why don't you come inside.

I can't fly from inside.

That's how superman does it.

I have to fly from the ledge.

That's how we do it back on the planet twylar.

How's he doing?

Right now, squeaky fromme has a better grasp on reality.

Hi, honey.

Hi, rose.

I can see your house from here.

Really?

Where?

Rose!

Honey, we...

Come in off the ledge.

We're worried about you.

There's nothing to worry about.

I'm not going to jump.

That would be crazy.

- Oh, thank goodness.

- I'm going to fly.

You can't fly.

Mister terrific can do anything.

Of course you can, mister terrific.

Rose, don't argue with him.

Mister terrific, I think that lex luthor and the joker are harassing an old lady in the stairwell.

Could you come in and melt them with your x-ray vision?

Mister terrific doesn't have x-ray vision.

Please, rose!

This is no time to point out his shortcomings!

Mister terrific, please come inside.

I don't want your job.

We'll get it back for you.

There's only one way, and that's to prove to my fans that I deserve the name mister terrific.

Hello, fans!

It's me, mister terrific!

Jump!

Jump!

There's only one way to handle this.

Rose!

Rose, no!

Rose!

Rose, don't go out...

Rose, come back here!

Don't worry, dorothy.

I was trained in psychology back in st.

Olaf.

That doesn't count, rose.

In st.

Olaf, they think that freud is a way to cook chicken.

Honey, do you still think you can fly?

Yes.

If you're gonna fly, you're gonna have to take me.

- Do you still wanna do it?

- Absolutely.

I really should've paid closer attention during that refresher course back at the junior college.

Oh, my god!

He's...

Flying.

Wait.

Wasn't it dangerous flying around that building?

Not at all.

I was rigged in a harness suspended by cables.

Yeah, but rose wasn't.

Oh, I wasn't worried.

I know mister terrific's superhero code.

He'd never drop a girl.

I'm glad the publicity stunt worked, and I could not be happier that you got your job back.

Freddy'll be here.

We've got a lot to celebrate.

Yes.

I'm still mister terrific, and he's still mr. Policeman.

I cannot sleep anymore.

I lie there waiting for the authorities to catch up with me.

Every siren I hear is for me.

Every footstep outside my window belongs to that obsessive detective who will not rest until he tracks me down!

Blanche, you are being ridiculous.

Oh, thank god!

I can't live with myself anymore.

Take me.

- Blanche!

- Dorothy, please.

I know what's best.

Just slap the handcuffs on me.

The bed's this way.

You know what's funny?

I was supposed to be mr. Mailman today.