04x11 - The Auction

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Oh, morning, Ma.

You sleep OK?

No.

I got up in the middle of the night and there was a puddle in my bed.

Do you know how relieved I was to find out the roof was leaking?

Oh, hi, Rose.

Is the ceiling in your room leaking too?

No, Dorothy.

I just finished milking the cow I keep in my closet.

Gee, with only three hours' sleep, I can be as bitchy as you.

I'm sorry.

Look, we have to do something about the roof.

It's getting worse.

Forget it.

Blanche'll wait for the ceiling to cave in on her before she'll do anything.

Blanche, listen, we have to talk about the roof.

Dorothy, I already called the repairman.

Last night the damn ceiling caved in on my bedroom.

Knocked the Zorro mask right out of poor Ed Rosen's hand.

(doorbell)

That must the roofer.

Sid LaBass.

You called about your roof.

Yes, come in.

Yeah.

Wait a sec.

I think I stepped in something.

That's good enough.

Mr.

LaBass, I want to thank you for coming on such short notice.

You're lucky I came at all.

I got a horrible cold.

I was so dizzy, I lost my balance getting out of bed.

I guess my equilibrium's sh*t.

Well, I'm sure you'll feel better once you're up on the roof.

Well, I don't think I need to go up there.

I could see it was a goner when I drove up.

Oh, Sid!

Well, can't you patch it up or something?

Yeah, I could patch it up, but that won't stop more leaks when it rains again.

What are you trying to say, Sid?

You couldn't follow that?

She has trouble following m*rder, She Wrote.

How much is a new roof going to cost, Sid?

Ten thou.

Well, how much is a patch job?

Oh, a couple of hundred.

Can I use your phone?

I gotta make a call.

Yeah, go ahead.

We have to discuss this.

Dorothy, we don't have $10,000.

We can barely afford a patch job.

Well, what are we gonna do?

Go without a roof?

Maybe we can talk Sid into letting us pay in installments.

Oh, that's a great idea.

He's a reasonable man.

I don't see why he wouldn't go for it.

OK.

A new roof it is.

Look, I said that payment was due today, not next Thursday.

That check better be on my desk tomorrow or you'll regret it, believe me.

Understand?

All right.

I'll talk to you later, Dad.

Oh, what have we decided?

Patch job.

Fine.

I'll do what I can.

Well, goodbye.

Where are you going?

It's my day to volunteer at the hospital.

Oh, it's really sweet of you to volunteer.

I like charity work.

Besides, I've got my eye on an eligible doctor for Dorothy.

I hope he likes charitable work too.

Listen, Dorothy, I'm going to an art show tomorrow night.

I always meet eligible men at galleries.

Why don't you come with me?

Can I come too, Blanche?

Sure.

I think it's gonna be a great show.

It's featuring the work of Mr.

Jasper DeKimmel.

You ever heard of him?

I'm not sure.

Has he ever done anything in velvet?

Jasper DeKimmel's art hangs in museums all over the country, Rose.

Some of his paintings are worth thousands of dollars.

Here.

This is a DeKimmel on this brochure for the exhibit.

Hm.

I don't get it.

This kind of art does nothing for me.

You have to open your mind to new perceptions.

This is nonrepresentational art.

I work in a museum, so I understand these things.

Now, for instance, this slash of color of red across the bottom, well, that represents the setting sun.

And this jagged blue line, now, that signifies the ocean.

Then this spot of orange up here in the corner, that stands for the planets and man's eternal struggle against nature and the elements.

No, it doesn't.

That's where I put my Creamsicle down this afternoon when I answered the phone.

See?

It rubs right off.

Didn't I tell you it was gonna be special?

There's nothing but beautiful people here.

I'm glad they didn't make us check Dorothy with the coats.

Look, Ma, I think I look pretty damn good tonight.

Is it really necessary for you to constantly put me down?

I'm sorry, pussycat.

You're right.

From now on I'm gonna be a more supportive mother.

You look nice tonight.

You look better than a lot of other women here.

Like...

like her, for instance.

Oh, thanks, Ma.

By the way, that's a man.

Hey, that's not my fault.

Girls, look, a mime.

Oh, I just love a mime.

It's all on account of my Uncle Gustav.

He was a coal mimer.

You mean a coal miner.

No, a coal mimer.

He had a bad back and he didn't want to lose his medical benefits, so every morning he'd go down the shaft and pretend to work.

Hey.

Hey!

Why are you wearing makeup?

So your mother won't be embarrassed?

Honey, he won't pay any attention to you, no matter what you do.

Oh, yeah?

Hey, fella, your fly is open.

Girls, girls, look.

"Self-portrait by Jasper DeKimmel." Dorothy, that picture has three noses.

Oh, I'm so glad that you find my self-portrait so interesting.

You're him.

Yes.

Gee, out of three noses, why did you keep the biggest?

All the galleries make the same mistake.

They've hung it upside down.

Oh, then those aren't noses.

Whoa!

Well, Mr.

DeKimmel, I find your work absolutely riveting.

Well, so do I.

I'm just not sure I understand it.

No, of course you don't.

If you had any real grasp of color, you certainly wouldn't have worn those shoes with that dress.

Oh, now, just a minute here, Mr.

DeKimmel.

I see no reason for you to be insulting my friend Rose, or her shoes.

Oh, my lord!

Look at those things.

Well, the Pilgrims landed in nicer shoes.

Yes, do forgive me, ladies.

My nerves get a bit jangled at these events.

Perhaps you'd care to discuss one of my paintings.

That would be lovely.

Good.

Now, shall we start here?

Now, do you see how I echo Monet with my brush strokes?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Do you see how I show darkness with single points of light?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

And do you see how I convey humor with my cycle of blues and grays?

Oh, yes.

Yes.

Yes.

You're idiots.

The only humor here is my own, at your great stupidity.

This picture no more echoes Monet than any of you echo a beauty queen.

And you will waste no more of my time.

Oh, yeah?

Go easy on him, Rose.

What a terrible man.

I know.

But let's not let him ruin our evening.

We can still enjoy all this art.

Dorothy's right.

Oh, look.

Two more mimes pretending to carry something.

I'm gonna have some fun with them.

Uh...

(glass shattering)

They weren't mimes, were they?

Come on.

Rose, hurry, please!

These were the only towels I could find.

Put 'em around the bucket in case the leak spreads.

Wait a minute, Rose.

Is that my Cabana Club beach towel you have there?

Is it this one with the naked man and woman in the waves?

Yes, that's it.

You can't use this towel.

Blanche, Blanche, it's an emergency.

We'll replace it next week.

Oh, no, you cannot replace this towel.

There are too many fond memories attached to this towel.

Please.

I am in no mood to hear about the parade of endless sexual encounters that you have experienced up and down the Florida coastline, with only this towel between your hot flesh and the cold, wet sand.

I brought my son Skippy home from the hospital in this towel, Dorothy.

You're lying, Blanche.

Damn, you're good.

It wasn't all up and down the coast.

It was only Fort Lauderdale during spring break.

Give me the towel.

Oh!

I just hate that Sid LaBass.

It's not Sid's fault.

He told us patching the roof wouldn't work.

Let's face it, we're gonna have to come up with the money for a new roof.

Oh, it's $10,000, Dorothy.

How are we gonna come up with $10,000?

Well, I hate to do it, but I do have a couple of thousand in stock that I could cash in.

Well, I guess I could close up my Christmas club.

How much is that?

Let's see.

We're in January.

So this would be week three.

Then I have a retirement account that's about four thousand.

OK, I can borrow on my life insurance.

That should bring us close, huh?

It's settled.

We're gonna call Sid and tell him to go ahead with the new roof.

OK.

Oh, Ma, you will not believe what a terrible day we've been having.

What are you telling me for?

You think I'm hiding Father Flanagan under here?

I got my own problems.

What's wrong, Ma?

Today was the worst day ever at a hospital, not counting the unfortunate mistake Dr.

Feldman made during my gall bladder surgery.

You ever tried passing a sponge?

What happened, Sophia?

I got stuck with the meanest patient in this history of medicine.

I mean, just because a person has two weeks to live, doesn't mean he has to be cranky.

Come on, Ma.

The man is dying.

I mean, have some sympathy.

You met this DeKimmel character.

You try having sympathy for a guy like that.

DeKimmel?

You mean Jasper DeKimmel?

That's right.

You got it.

Pablo Personality.

Oh, girls, listen to me, when a famous artist like Jasper DeKimmel dies, the value of his work doubles, sometimes even triples.

You know what that means?

Sure.

It means if he dies, those crummy pictures of his will be worth a fortune.

He'll have more money than he'll know what to do with.

You almost got it, Rose.

They're gonna auction off some of Jasper DeKimmel's art this week.

With a piece of inside information like this, we could make a k*lling buying an original DeKimmel.

Then we could sell the painting and pay for the roof and still have money to spare.

To buy whatever we want.

Oh, now, wait a minute.

Hold on, here.

Hold on.

Come on.

We're behaving like vultures, like beasts of prey.

I mean, girls, come on.

DeKimmel is a dying man.

Do we...

do we really want to profit from his misfortune?

It would be immoral.

We'd hate ourselves.

What time's the auction?

Eight o'clock.

We'd better get there by 7:30.

We want to get good seats.

Ma, what are you doing in here?

The searchlights were out so I tunneled out of my room with a spoon.

I couldn't sleep so I'm having some tea.

If that's OK with you, Prime Minister Botha?

Oh, I couldn't sleep either.

I had a terrible nightmare.

Was it the dream where you're a lonely old woman and your family doesn't want you so they put you in a home and never come to see you or take you out on holidays?

That wasn't my dream.

Oh, yeah, right.

That was my life.

Ma, please, for the hundredth time, Shady Pines was a beautiful retirement village.

Sure, sure.

And Attica's known for its topnotch tennis facilities.

What are you guys doing up?

Conducting a séance to contact Liberace.

We couldn't sleep.

Why else would we be up at 4am?

I couldn't sleep either, but I think it was something I ate before bed.

What did you eat?

Nothing out of the ordinary.

A handful of Snowcaps, a couple of Devil Dogs, some Oreos.

Oh, yeah, and a Ho Ho chopped up in a bowl of fruit cocktail with heavy syrup.

Couldn't sleep?

I'm surprised you didn't try to k*ll the mayor of San Francisco.

Good morning, girls.

Boy, do I feel wonderful.

I just had the best night's sleep.

Blanche, it's four in the morning.

What?

Oh, for heaven's sake.

I don't believe it.

Do you know what happens if I don't spend eight hours in bed?

Iranian guys write their cousins back home and tell them not to come?

No, I simply cannot function the next day.

But I always sleep like a baby.

How could this have happened?

None of us could sleep, and we all know the reason why.

Why?

You are nothing if not consistent, Rose.

Thank you, Dorothy, but hot water and oat bran every morning takes most of the credit.

No, I know what you meant, Dorothy.

You mean the reason we can't sleep is 'cause we feel guilty about profiting from Jasper DeKimmel's impending death.

I feel creepy every time I think about it.

Oh, me too.

Look, why don't we just forget the whole thing?

What?

No one's calling anything off.

It's not our fault the man is sick.

It's not our fault the man is weaker by the hour.

It's not our fault he needs a rare blood transfusion.

Did you say a rare blood transfusion?

Yeah, I overheard the doctors talking.

In a day or two he'll be plant food.

It still doesn't feel right.

Let me tell you a story.

Picture it.

Sardinia, 1932.

I thought these stories of yours always took place in Sicily.

Can't a person go away for the weekend?

Anyway, I'm on a tour of the great caper factories of Sardinia.

I was a kooky kid going through my piccata period.

A wedge of lemon and a smart answer for everything.

Anyway, I was...

I was slicing an onion when suddenly this big basil tree...

Ma, what the hell are you talking about?

You're not making any sense.

I was hoping the late hour would help to mask that.

I don't have a story about taking advantage of a dead guy for money.

I got a great story about a Moroccan and a monkey, but that really comes under the heading of lust.

I'm really confused.

Look, life is tough.

I'm not happy that a fellow human being is passing away, but it's out of our control.

If we don't make a few bucks on this deal, somebody else will.

All right.

We're all in.

Fine.

Welcome to the George Bush era.

Me, me, me.

Now remember, girls, as far as anybody else here is concerned, Jasper DeKimmel is in perfect health.

Right.

I'm surprised Jasper's not here tonight.

He never misses one of these auctions.

Well, it's not because he's dying.

Girls, the auction's about to start.

Ladies and gentlemen, the first item before you tonight is a fine example of Greco-Roman statuary.

May I have an opening bid, please, of 20?

I have 20.

Do I hear 25?

Why are these statues always of naked men?

Oh, you see, Rose, the Greeks and Romans always sculpted men.

They admired the beauty of the male form.

Its sinewy, muscled hardness, its rippling loins, its chiseled buttocks.

My, it's getting hot in here.

It certainly is.

I have 25.

Do I hear 30?

Rose, you just made a bid.

How?

You did this.

I have 35.

Thank you.

Who'll give me...

Great, Dorothy.

Relax, Blanche.

It's only $30.

No, it's $30,000.

$30,000?

Just for doing this?

I have 35.

Who'll give me 40?

What did you do that for?

You'll need both hands to pray he gets 40.

Bid is 35.

Going once.

Oh, no!

Going twice.

Please.

40,000.

Oh, thank God.

Going once, going twice, sold.

Look, girls, here comes the painting.

All right, now remember, 10,000 is our absolute limit.

Next we have "Community Property" by Jasper DeKimmel.

A small piece, but one which will be worth many times its current value some day.

Like tomorrow.

Keeping a secret just isn't your strong suit, is it, Rose?

Now, girls, we don't want to be overeager.

No.

Let's be very cool and laid-back.

We don't want to do anything to heat up the bidding.

Who'll open the bidding at 5,000?

5,000.

One of us at a time.

I have 5,000.

Do I have 6,000?

Six.

Who'll give me 65?

Now, watch how I do this.

If you really play it cool, you can scare off the other bidders.

Uh, 6500.

I have 65.

Who'll make it seven?

I have seven.

Who'll give me 75?

My turn.

75.

I have 75.

Who'll give me 8,000?

8,000.

I have eight.

Rose, what are you doing?

You just bid against us.

Oh, I guess I got carried away with the cool part.

Oh, Rose, I could just smack you.

I have 85.

Oh, give me that thing.

I have nine.

Oh!

Going once, going twice...

Unless you ladies would like to pay more.

No!

Sold.

$9,000.

All right, come on.

Let's go call Ma.

Ma, we got it.

We own a DeKimmel.

Even though he was a terrible man, I feel guilty.

Find out where we send flowers.

Send flowers to yourself.

The yutz is gonna make it.

They found a donor with the rare blood type he needed.

Gee, you save a guy's life, all you get is apple juice and a cookie?

Dorothy?

What did she say, honey?

What did she say?

Dorothy.

Oh, girls, let's stop sitting around here moping.

Now, that painting isn't so bad.

If you stare at it long enough, it almost looks good.

I tell myself that every week after thirtysomething.

It still gives me a headache.

The important thing is that we didn't do anything to feel guilty about.

That's right.

Ma saved a human life.

(doorbell)

Even if it did put us in debt and even if he was the most miserable, contemptible slug on the face of this earth.

Look who's here, the runner-up.

I'm here with my crew to get started.

Sid, there's been a change of plan.

We can't afford that new roof anymore.

I don't get it.

You can't afford a roof, but you can afford a painting like that?

That's a DeKimmel, isn't it?

Yeah.

That repulsive trash is an original DeKimmel.

I have always wanted an original DeKimmel.

Don't you love the style, the technique, the use of color?

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

I'd give anything to own a painting like that.

How about that painting for a new roof?

You're kidding.

Of course she's kidding.

That painting means everything to me.

I could never part with it.

Sophia!

Are you crazy?

Crazy about DeKimmel.

Ma'am, would you be insulted if I made you an offer for that painting?

Please!

I'm insulted by that shirt you're wearing.

That doesn't mean we can't do business.

Talk to me, Sidney.

Well, what about a new roof with a five-year warranty?

And $2500.

In cash?

No, in pistachio nuts.

Of course.

Cash, today.

Tomorrow the price goes up.

DeKimmel isn't getting any younger.

Well, $2500 seems a little steep.

$3,000.

You ticked me off.

Now you're watching a real artist at work.