04x16 - Two Rode Together

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see the biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

(door opens)

Why are you both wearing black?

Did you just come from a funeral?

No, Rose.

We were singing backup for Johnny Cash.

Of course we were at a funeral.

Who d*ed?

My best friend, Edith Flannery.

I thought Mildred Feinberg was your best friend.

She was, but we've grown apart.

I think her death had something to do with it.

I really thought Edith would be around longer.

She was only 88 and in perfect health.

Then one night, bingo, she closes her eyes and she's gone.

She d*ed in her sleep.

Are you deaf?

I said she d*ed playing bingo.

Well, I guess Phyllis Glockman will be my new best friend.

Ma, I thought you hated Phyllis Glockman.

I do, but the rate my friends are going, I won't have to spend much time with her.

I think Sophia's really been shaken up by this.

She's not the only one.

Dorothy, what do you mean?

Ma's 82 years old.

Edith was only six years older.

You can guess what I'm thinking.

You're thinking your time with Sophia may be running short.

Wow, Blanche.

That's amazing.

Now guess what I'm thinking.

I was talking to Edith's daughter after the funeral.

She'd flown in from San Francisco.

She kept telling me how bad she felt that she hadn't seen her mother in over a year.

It's hard to stay close to someone when they live clear across the country.

I live in the same house with my mother, yet we spend little quality time together.

You know, sometimes we'll be watching TV and I start wondering...

how many more times I have left like that.

And I find myself staring at her, like I'm trying to freeze her face in my memory.

Like I never want to forget one single line or wrinkle.

Suddenly she'll say, "Why are you staring at me?

I've been wanting to pick my nose for the past half hour." Well, Dorothy, I live by one simple rule.

Share your love with people today 'cause they may be gone tomorrow.

That's a beautiful sentiment, Blanche.

Comes from dating a lot of traveling salesmen.

I heard a fable when I was a little girl in St. Olaf that might help.

Can I tell you?

That's right, Rose.

Wait till my defenses are down and take advantage of me.

Okey-dokey.

Once upon a time in the magical land of Flafluevenhaven...

lived Toonder the mediocre tiger.

He was mediocre because there was nothing special about him.

He wasn't talented, he wasn't smart, he wasn't rich, he wasn't handsome.

He wasn't good at anything.

If he also wore a bad toupee, she could be describing my Stanley.

Anyway, it made Toonder's wife miserable that her husband was best known for being mediocre.

I understand Marilyn Quayle feels the same way.

So she asked her fairy godmother to grant Toonder the ability to perform incredible feats of magic, and her wish was granted.

Toonder the Mediocre became Toonder the Magnificent.

I guess he didn't want to change the monograms on his towels.

Well, Toonder the tiger spent so much time performing that he didn't have enough time to spend with his wife.

She told him that she missed the time they had together when he was just mediocre, so Toonder used his magic only once more, and that was to make his powers disappear.

And they lived happily ever after?

No, actually she got bored and ran off with Wiseblat the weasel - Toonder's old business manager.

But they lived happily ever after.

What happened to Toonder?

Oh, who cares, Blanche?

Hey, once you hear "happily ever after," it's over.

Well, Dorothy, did you get anything out of this?

Actually I did get an idea.

You know what I'm gonna do?

I'm gonna take Ma away for the weekend to a cabin in the Florida Keys, where we can spend some quality time together.

You got that idea from her fable?

No, I got it from this brochure somebody left on the table.

But I'll tell you, I never would've read it if her fable hadn't bored me to tears.

Thank you, Rose.

You're welcome.

Ma, I have a surprise for you.

You've got a date Saturday night.

Better.

Ma, we're going away for the weekend, just the two of us.

So pack your bags, we're off to a cabin in the Keys.

Wait a minute, Dorothy, you pulled this one on me once before.

Remember Shady Pines Retirement Village?

She told me we were going to a resort.

We pull up to this place that looks like the Bates Motel and two g*ons in white coats drag me inside.

For the next year and a half, I'm forced to make lanyards against my will.

Ma, you know that's not how it was.

You're right.

Sometimes they forced me to make moccasins.

No thanks.

Not again.

Ma, all I want us to do is go away together, just the two of us.

Ma, we'll go anywhere you want to go.

Great.

I want to go to Disney World.

Then that's where we're going.

Oh?

All of a sudden you're gonna take me after I've been asking for years?

That's right.

Leave your shoe sizes and whether you want your moccasins in brown or black.

Oh, hello.

This is Dorothy Zbornak.

I'd like to confirm my reservation on flight 505 to Orlando.

Uh-huh.

Uh, now, let's go over the arrangements I made to have my mother taken away at the departure gate.

You don't know what I'm talking about?

Neither do I.

Goodbye.

Hi, Ma.

Are you ready to go?

You bet, pussycat.

I'm glad you stopped being so suspicious.

Oh, please, if you can't trust family, who can you trust?

(car horn) There's our cab.

Oh, girls, don't forget to pick me up one of those hats with ears.

We won't forget, Rose.

It's not for me, it's for one of the girls in my Sunshine Cadet troop.

Yeah, we know, Rose.

I'm too old for that silly stuff but the girls love it.

Right, Rose.

You want R-O-S-E sewn on the back?

If it's not too much trouble.

Space Mountain, here I come.

Ma, I told you, no scary rides.

Then we'd better find another way to get to the airport.

The cabby is wearing a turban.

They are going to have such a great time.

What are you doing?

Oh, just doodling.

What do you think?

Let's see.

Oh, it's a tiger.

With multicolored stripes, wearing a tuxedo, a top hat, and holding a magic wand.

Oh, my gosh, it's Toonder the magnificent tiger.

Yes.

Oh!

I've been thinking about him ever since you told us that fable.

You know when you just can't get something out of your head?

Oh, yeah, water's the worst.

That's why I always wear earplugs when I shampoo.

I was talking about your fable.

Listen, Rose, I've come up with an idea.

With your stories and my illustrations, we just might have a bestseller here.

What do you say to us teaming up and writing a kids' storybook together?

Oh, Blanche, that's a terrific idea.

When my children were small, I bought those illustrated storybooks all the time.

And I bet your kids loved them.

No, they had their own books.

Ma, you've been in there for 20 minutes, now, what are you doing?

Painting a fresco on the ceiling.

It's a bathroom.

What do you think I'm doing?

What are you writing?

Oh, nothing.

What do you mean nothing?

What is that?

Well, Ma, you have such a great sense of humor.

I can never remember all the funny things you say, so I've decided to keep a journal.

Journal?

Who the hell are you?

Bill Moyers?

That is classic.

"Bill Moyers." Fine.

I'll give you great stuff while we're on Space Mountain.

Not so fast.

Ma, I have a surprise for you.

What is it?

Remember all those photos we kept in Pop's old cigar boxes?

I've organized them into these albums.

Ma, they're for you.

They're for us.

They're for later.

Let's go.

Come on.

Ma, the park can wait.

Let's do this now.

OK, but let's make it quick.

Oh, Ma, look.

Here's you holding me when I was a baby.

Do you remember what was going through your mind then?

Oh, yeah.

I'll never forget that summer day in 1932.

I was thinking, "Boy, am I blessed to have such a precious baby in my life." Oh, Ma, that's beautiful.

Things are going just great.

Look at this.

You're holding my hand while I'm skating.

What were you thinking then?

I'll never forget that winter day in 1934.

I was thinking, "Boy, am I blessed to have such a precious two-year-old in my life." Oh, look.

Here's one of us on a bicycle built for two.

I'll never forget that spring day in 1940.

I was...

Ma, you're making this up.

Of course I am.

How the hell should I remember what I was thinking back then?

I still look for Ed Sullivan on Sunday nights.

The scary part is sometimes I find him.

Ma, why can't you make me happy?

I want to do this.

OK, OK, if a trip down memory lane is gonna make you happy, pussycat, I'm willing to take a short stroll.

Listen, I'll tell you what we'll do.

We'll order dinner in, we'll finish looking at the photos, and then we can reread these old letters.

Gee, it's too bad you didn't bring along the slides.

Ma, now you've got the spirit.

I finished a sketch of Toonder's little pals, the Dingleheimer twins.

Wow.

This book is really coming along.

Yeah, and you can chalk it all up to synergism.

Yeah, synergism.

What would we ever do without it?

Good old synergism.

You have no idea what it means, do you?

Not a clue.

Synergism is the powerful energy that is generated by two people engaged in the same activity.

Up till now, I had no idea it could occur outside a Howard Johnson's motor lodge.

You still have no idea what I'm talking about, do you?

Nope.

Oh, but I can't tell you, Blanche, how much I enjoy working with you.

Me too.

You know why?

'Cause we're not just partners, we're friends.

We're good friends.

I feel I could say anything to you.

Of course you can, sugarplum.

Even criticize your artwork.

Of course.

The whole point of collaborating is to get beyond our egos and come up with something we both like.

What do you think?

This could use a few minor changes.

Drop dead.

Whatever happened to getting beyond your ego?

My ego has nothing to do with it.

These drawings are brilliant.

I have lived with these characters all my life.

I'll determine if your drawings are brilliant, and that one needs work.

What's wrong with it?

You forgot Melvin the loneliest sea otter's little beanie with the propeller on top.

No, I didn't.

It blew away.

It did not.

It did too.

Big wind came along, blew it right off his head.

That couldn't have happened.

I say it did and you're gonna write it in the story.

And what if I refuse?

You see this eraser?

I'm going to rub out Melvin's little friend, Mookie the sailor.

You wouldn't.

Try me.

No, please, Blanche.

I'll do anything you say.

I thought you'd see it my way.

Oh, Pop was sure a lousy photographer.

Who is that?

Uncle Vittorio.

His head's cut off.

How can you tell?

Because that's exactly how he looked in the morgue after he turned state's evidence against Benny the Blade.

Oh, Ma, this is so special, spending this time together.

Yeah, right.

You know, Dorothy, I think we're missing a box of slides.

They must be in the suitcase in the closet.

Oh, I'll take a look.

Ma, where are you going?

I can't stand it anymore.

Your life is supposed to flash before your eyes when you're dying, not on when you're on vacation.

I've waited my whole life to ride Space Mountain and nothing is gonna stop me.

(thunder) Why are you always taking her side?

(thunder) Who'd have thought it would rain for 24 hours straight?

Red sixes.

Does this look like a game of solitaire?

It's your turn.

I'm sorry, Ma.

I was trying to remember when was the last time I said I love you.

After lunch, when I said you had grilled cheese stuck to your chin.

Now will you make your move, for God's sake?

You're really making this difficult for me.

You know I'm not great when it comes to dealing with emotions.

Whenever someone starts talking about their deepest feelings, I usually get uncomfortable and tune out.

I don't know why.

Where do you think it comes from, Ma?

Huh?

Oh, sorry, Dorothy.

My corn pad slipped.

You were saying?

Never mind.

You think the rain is ever gonna let up?

You know something?

I honestly don't care.

Who needs outside distractions?

What we have here is more important.

What we have is getting on my nerves.

Ma, where are you going?

Someplace where there are no pictures, no slides, and no walks down memory lane.

I'll come with you.

What?

Are we nuns?

We don't have to travel in pairs.

I'm outta here.

Hey, Sam.

What's that you're playing?

Oh, just a little something.

Stop it.

You know what I want to hear.

No, I don't.

You played it for her.

You can play it for me.

But I don't think that I...

If she can stand it, so can I.

Now play.

OK.

You're the boss.

♪ It's a world of laughter

♪ It's a world of tears

♪ It's a world of hopes

♪ And a world of fears

♪ There's so much that we share

♪ That it's time we're aware

♪ It's a small world after all Ma.

Of all the saloons and gin joints in the world, she had to walk into mine.

Ma, I've been looking everywhere for you.

We really need to talk.

Ma, why are you trying so hard to ruin my weekend?

You don't get it, do you?

This weekend could've been a lot of fun, until you decided we were gonna have quality time.

Is that so horrible?

Ma, all I wanted to do was have us finish unfinished business and say things to each other that we never said before.

Dorothy, this isn't On Golden Pond.

I know, Ma.

And you're not Jane Fonda.

All right.

You made your point.

Quality time has to come naturally it happens when you're not thinking about it.

Like when we're cutting vegetables.

That's quality time.

I was hoping for something a little more magical than that.

Let me tell you a little story.

When I was a kid in Sicily, I loved lightning bugs.

I'd stand out in the field and watch them light up the night sky.

That was magical.

That was spectacular.

I tell you, I saw a thousand points of light.

It was a kinder, gentler America.

I turned to my wife, Barbara, and I said...

Ma, what the hell are you talking about?

Oh.

Sorry, I must have lapsed into George Bush's inauguration speech.

Where was I?

Lightning bugs.

Right.

I liked them so much, I'd catch them in glass jars so I could watch them light up whenever I wanted, but they always d*ed.

I see what you mean.

They needed their freedom.

No, they needed their air.

I always forgot to punch holes in the lid.

The point is it's the same with all magical moments.

You can't capture them forever, no matter what Kodak tells you.

So what you're saying, Ma, is that, like a lightning bug, I put you in a glass jar and, waiting for you to light up, I nearly suffocated you.

Jeez, Dorothy, you sure know how to b*at a metaphor to death.

Ma, I love you.

I love you too, pussycat.

Promise you'll never make me do this for the rest of my life.

OK.

Only if you promise you'll live forever.

OK, I promise.

How can you make a promise like that?

Hey, if I don't come through, what are you gonna do to me?

Blanche.

Rose, listen.

I think maybe I owe you an apology.

When we were having our argument, I may have said things I didn't mean.

Like when you said I was a dummy?

No.

Anyway, the important thing is to stay partners and finish our book.

Forget it.

There isn't gonna be any book.

Now what are you saying?

Did I just lapse into Swedish?

Read it and weep.

"Tales of Toonder the Tiger and His Friends, by Hans Christian Lockerhueven." Well, who's Hans Christian Lockerhueven?

Only St.

Olaf's greatest author.

He wrote the classic fairy tale, "Hansel and Hansel." You told me your parents made up these stories.

I thought they did, but when I called my sister for more stories, she suggested I pick up the book that Mom and Dad got them from.

This is great.

We've been writing stories that have already been written.

Well, if it's any consolation, they do it all the time on Mr.

Belvedere.

Well, my dream is crushed.

I always wanted to be rich and famous and now it's not gonna happen.

I know a poem that might help.

It goes: "Never, ever give up your dreams, "even when they're doused in sorrow, "because even though they seem far away, they could come true tomorrow." I wrote that, Blanche.

You know, it isn't half bad.

It's better than a lot of them you read on greeting cards.

I have hundreds of them.

You know what I'm thinking, Rose?

That with your drawings and my poems, we might go into the greeting card business together?

No.

I'm thinking about a place out at the beach where the waves break so hard, they knock the bathing suits right off the men coming out of the water.

Come on.

Maybe we can salvage the rest of this day after all.

Come on, let's go.

Hi, Ma, how's the packing going?

It'd go a lot better if I had a screwdriver.

I just bought some postcards to remember the trip.

I don't need postcards, pussycat.

I'll remember this trip for a long time.

Oh, just our luck.

The rain lets up when we're leaving.

Hey, Ma, we still have a little time and there's one more thing I want to show you to make this terrific weekend complete.

Oh, no, Dorothy.

We looked at pictures and slides and letters and diaries and locks of hair.

What's left?

Our family history in shadow puppets?

Ma, better.

(Sophia) Now, this is what I call quality time.

(screaming)