06x11 - Stand By Your Man

[bunniefuu]

♪ Thank you for being a friend

♪ Traveled down the road and back again

♪ Your heart is true

♪ You're a pal and a confidante

♪ And if you threw a party

♪ Invited everyone you knew

♪ You would see

♪ The biggest gift would be from me

♪ And the card attached would say

♪ "Thank you for being a friend" ♪

Thanks for bringing the boys over, Dreyfus.

So long, kids.

Oh, I just love it when Dreyfus brings the puppies over to play.

I really think they like it, too.

That's because you bring the stick to them.

I know.

They get so excited when I fetch.

You like having them over, too, don't you, Sofia?

Yeah, I like 'em.

That's because it temporarily shifts the blame if we find a puddle on the floor.

Once, Nurse Ratched, once.

Well, I do not believe it.

Saturday, and I don't have a date.

Do you fathom what this means?

The jailbreak is off?

Oh, come on, Blanche, do what I do when I don't have a date.

I curl up with a good book, and I'm satisfied.

It's my fault.

I read to her as a child.

As a matter of fact, I'm going to the library in a few minutes.

Wanna come?

The library?

That's a great idea.

I just love libraries.

You do?

I've loved books since I was a child.

Although I certainly did grow up around some ignorant people.

Do you know what horrible thing the folks in my neck of the woods did once when I was a youngun?

Besides using phrases like "neck of the woods" and "youngun"?

They b*rned books.

The townspeople made a big pile of 'em in front of the library and they threw a torch on top.

Only Big Daddy was outraged.

He fought his way through that crowd, clawed his way to the top of that pile, grabbed that lit torch and turned to that crowd and said, "What are you people doing?

This is lunacy.

Ya start a fire from the bottom." So many books.

That's why they call it a library.

It's from the Latin librarius, which means "so many books." I'm sure you'll find something you want.

I do believe you're right.

Excuse me.

My friend here would like to apply for a library card.

What friend?

Oh, the one who's checking out everything but the books.

Hi.

What you readin'?

Oh, ho-ho.

You must be a passionate man.

Females to Fondle?

Well, it's volume seven of the encyclopedia.

Oh.

Ha-ha-ha.

My mother talked me into getting her the new Stephen King.

Well, we do have the one that came out last Tuesday.

As long as it's not about some little creature who finds new and inventive ways of terrorizing a household.

It's for my mother.

I don't wanna give her any ideas.

You're a sports agent?

I bet we know some of the same people.

I was one of the first women ever allowed in the Miami Dolphins' locker room.

Reporter?

Photographer.

Ha-ha-ha.

I don't understand.

There must be some mistake.

I'm sure my mother's card is current.

See for yourself.

It expired five years ago.

I don't know how that could've happened, but I'll put the book on my card, and I want you to know my card is always current.

I come to the library at least three times a week, and my books are always returned promptly during regular library hours, rain or shine.

Who are you to judge me?!

Now, let me get this right.

Dinner at your place tonight?

What kind of girl do you think I am, and how could you tell so fast?

My address is on my card, and I have a meeting with a client in a half-hour, so I better get rolling.

See you at eight.

Oh, by the way, Ma, when I was at the library, they said your library card had expired five years ago.

Really?

Where could I have been?

Oh, yeah, locked in an old-age home.

Dorothy, I cannot go through with it.

I'm gonna call Ted and cancel.

Oh, Blanche, you can't.

Well, but it isn't fair.

He should've told me he was disabled.

Yeah, what a great icebreaker.

Well, if I have to go, you know what I could do?

I could take a chaperone.

That way, I'll avoid any awkward situations.

You could be my chaperone.

Oh, please.

No, I'm serious.

You're the perfect third wheel.

I don't mean that in a negative way.

I just mean you make men uncomfortable.

It's a gift.

Don't waste it.

As long as you don't mean it in a negative way.

Of course not.

Growing up in the South - God, here it comes!

The honeysuckle, mint juleps, three-legged dogs, you and Opie and Floyd and the barbershop...

Blanche, get to the point.

I need a chaperone.

Now, do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?

What favors?

I need a chaperone.

Now, do I have to call in all the favors you owe me?

I don't owe you any favors.

Oh, really?

"But, officer, the little old lady was with me.

She couldn't possibly have put that banana in your tailpipe." It'll be an honor to serve.

Guess what.

I spoke with Harry this morning, and he said we can keep one of the puppies.

No!

I can't believe you said no.

Come on, Rose.

We've talked about pets.

There's no one home during the day to take care of it.

I'm home during the day.

No one lucid is home during the day.

Oh, please.

I've already named him Bingo, and he really likes me.

He follows me wherever I go.

Rose, the answer is no.

That's not fair.

Last week, you got to keep the boxboy who followed you home.

There, you see?

You don't need a dog.

If you're lonely, get yourself a man.

I don't want a man.

I just wanna come home from work and have someone jump up on my lap, lick my face and fetch a ball when I throw it.

You can get a man to do that.

I'll be right back.

Say hello to the newest member of our family.

Oh, great, we gotta live with a sad-eyed, hyperactive nuisance with the intelligence of a squeaky toy.

And now she's got a dog.

(doorbell rings)

Miss Devereaux?

Yes.

Won't you come in.

Thank you, Andy.

Blanche, come on in.

Sit down.

And who's this?

Who do I look like?

I'm her mother.

Grandmother.

Having a chaperone is an old Southern tradition.

Grammy here brought me up since I was a child.

She's the one who taught me how to put up peach preserves, make my own clothes.

We was po'.

Blanche, you didn't strike me as the type who needed a chaperone.

As I said, it was a tradition.

We Southern families stick together.

We sho' do.

Well, I suppose it's been nice having someone look after you since you were young.

I had to.

When she was 15, I caught her under a pile of hillbillies.

Picture it - me with a crowbar prying cousins off left and right.

Oh, goodness, with a view like that, why...

I bet you look out the window a lot.

Blanche, you a little nervous?

Nervous?

Me?

Wheelchair.

Oops...

I mean, no, no, not at all.

Come on, Blanche, most people in wheelchairs were something else until that one second before their accident and their lives change.

Hey, take a look at this guy in the baseball uniform.

I'm still basically that guy.

Ha-ha.

Y-You certainly do have a nice place here.

I took it because I spend so much time in Miami, and I do hate hotels.

Oh, yeah, I know.

The way they charge you for the whole night when you're only there for a few hours.

My roommate Dorothy told me that.

She's a slut.

I hope you like champagne and caviar.

I love it.

Andy...

Oh...

Oh...

Hey, look who's not po'.

Mmm, this was just delicious.

I'm glad you feel more comfortable.

Oh, yes.

I don't know why I was nervous in the first place.

Boy, you should see this bedroom.

A giant-screen TV, a big round bed and lights that go on when you clap.

My hands are raw.

That Southern accent of yours really comes and goes.

Grits.

Alright?

Ha-ha-ha.

That grandmother of yours is really a sweetheart.

She sure is.

Bless her heart.

How do we get rid of her?

Why, Ted Tanner, are you making a pass at me?

If I strike out, I strike out, but at least I want my turn at bat.

I have to admit, I'm somewhat interested and a little bit curious and suddenly now quite nervous.

Maybe it's not meant to be with your grandmother wandering around.

She has a bus pass.

I can have Andy drive her.

Come here.

Well, mercy me.

Looks like my little magnolia just turned into a big ho'.

Rose, we have to talk.

Look, the food dish is overturned, there is a hole in the newspaper, the potted palm in the hallway has been dug up.

I cannot live like this.

Dorothy, please don't send me away.

I'll try harder.

I'm talking about the dog.

Oh.

In that case, I also saw him slip two 20s out of your purse.

Rose, obviously the dog has to go.

Well, that's not your decision.

Where's Blanche?

She's not home from her date.

She spent the night at Ted's?

You don't suppose that...

Nah.

Please!

Just because a man's in a wheelchair doesn't mean he can't satisfy a woman.

What do you know about this, Ma?

Picture it...

Sicily, 1914.

A man in a wheelchair satisfies a woman.

It's a short story, but I think it makes my point.

Hello, my lovelies.

Sophia, I'm sorry I tossed ya out last night, but it was for a good cause.

That's OK, Blanche.

Andy took me home in the limo, and, boy, did we have fun.

I figured out why they call it a moon roof.

Blanche, tell us about your date last night.

All I can tell you is Mr.

Ted Tanner is quite a man.

He suits me to a "g." You mean to a "t." No, I don't think so, Rose.

Oh, don't hold dinner for me tonight.

I have a date.

I guess I better go get out of these clothes.

Again?

Rose, you got a reprieve.

As long as Blanche isn't here, she won't find out you brought a dog into the house.

What do I care if she finds out?

I'm not afraid.

I'm within my rights.

There is nothing in my lease that says I can't have a pet.

All right, who or what ate the heel off one my new red pumps?

I did.

Guess what.

I don't like to brag and it took me practically all morning, but by reinforcing the command with love and a doggie treat, I finally taught Bingo how to sit.

Sit down, Rose.

Okey-dokey.

I really wish you'd try to get along with Bingo.

Maybe you don't know the fun you can have with a pet?

Have you ever actually had one?

Of course I had a pet.

Remember, Ma?

I was six years old, and I wanted a pony?

Not the pony thing again.

She promised me a pony.

She swore I'd get a pony.

She brings me a little paper bird on a stick from the circus.

The kind you have to twirl around your head to get them to tweet.

And that was your pet?

They're very clean.

Then she tells me if I'm a good girl, a really good girl, God will turn that paper bird into a real one, which I believed, because why would a mother lie?

So every day, I'm being very good and praying and looking for any sign of life and becoming very attached to that ridiculous paper bird.

So you can imagine my heartbreak when one morning I find it dead.

How does a paper bird die?

Good question.

Someone used it to restart the pilot light.

Hurry up.

Get dressed.

We're gonna be late for temple.

Ma, it's Tuesday, and we're Catholic.

In that case, bacon and eggs.

Ah, girls, I just don't know what I am gonna do about Mr.

Ted Tanner.

If the man wants to colorize movies, let him colorize movies.

It's show business, for God's sake.

Blanche, what's wrong?

Ted called from Philadelphia, says he's flying in, and he wants to see me.

Well, I'd think you'd be happy.

I am, but it's just that during this past week with Ted out of town, everything was on hold.

I didn't have to make any decisions about where our relationship was going.

I don't know what to do.

I'm here if you wanna pick my brain.

Rose, I think we should leave it alone and let it heal.

It was clear from Ted's tone on the phone that he wants to escalate our relationship.

He said he hoped I wasn't seeing anyone else.

I just don't know.

I think you should go for it.

See it through.

Blanche, so many times you drop somebody without ever knowing what it could turn into.

Sometimes you have to take a chance.

I don't know if I'm ready for that kind of risk.

A little risk only heightens the thrill.

It's like making love in an airplane lavatory, where you know it's wrong because the guy you're with really should be at the controls.

Well, it was just an example.

Who are you to judge me?

Well, Sophia, did you feed Bingo today?

To what?

Ma, you did feed the puppy today, didn't you?

I think we both had one of those international coffees - mocha minty or something - I don't know.

We both threw up a little.

Honey, did that mean old lady put you in the garage?

No.

The mean young lady did.

Rose, Ted's coming over later, and I don't want that dog making a big mess.

He's already been into my personal things.

Maybe we should get him some rubber toys.

They do seem to be his preference.

Look, Rose, I don't think this is gonna work out.

Now, we are out all day.

Puppies need care from someone with a knowledge of loving and nurturing.

And let's face it, that is not Ma.

Oh, Bingo, much as I love you, little guy, we've gotta do what's best for you.

Wish I knew what to say to make leaving easier.

You know, I used to have a little dog just like you back in St.

Olaf.

She said St.

Olaf, Bingo.

I told you, that's the att*ck command.

OK.

Thank you.

Oh, great news.

There's an organization called Pets for People.

They match up pets with old people.

Well, I took Bingo over there this afternoon, and already they have a perfect home for him.

I hate to say it, but I'm gonna miss the little guy.

Sure was a lot more fun than that bird on a stick.

Ehh, she's not here.

(doorbell rings)

Oh, get in here, you.

Aw, I've missed you, Ted.

I missed you, too.

I have so much to tell you about, oh, how good I feel about us and how much I was worried that you being in a wheelchair would be more than I could handle, but you know what?

I realized it isn't.

I just really like you.

I am a lucky guy.

Why don't we go someplace romantic for a few days?

I have to go back home tomorrow.

Oh.

Well, take me with you.

Show me the wonders of Philadelphia.

The Liberty Bell.

The... cream cheese.

I can't take you.

Why not?

I just can't.

Is there someone else?

Oh.

There's somebody else.

Oh, a girlfriend.

You got a wife?

I'm sorry.

Sorry?

I do not believe this.

You know, I kept telling myself to stay open to this, that you were just such a special guy who happened to be sitting down.

I was actually starting to feel love for you, Ted.

I thought you were noble.

Never dawned on me you could be a jerk in a wheelchair.

Ach...

get out.

I don't believe we have to stop seeing each other.

Blanche Devereaux never goes out with another woman's husband.

Oh, except for that one time.

Now, that was not my fault.

She was pronounced dead.

Those paramedics never give up.

Don't end this, Blanche.

My wife doesn't understand me.

Well, I do.

You're a cheat.

Get out.

Oh, as God is my witness, I will never pick up another man.

In a library.

On a Saturday.

Unless he's cute and drives a nice car.

Amen.