04x09 - Hip to Be Square

[bunniefuu]

Allemande left!

Now allemande right!

Now spin your top!

You know those sweet stories where people say that they met their husbands in grade school?

That's not this, right?

Anna-Kat, what is Franklin doing?

He's just practicing.

They're offering square dancing in gym this unit.

This could be my first ever "A" in PE.

Actually, it's gonna be your 53rd "C," because we're doing kickball instead.

Come on, let's do square dancing together.

You get to see me in my boots.

Pass. Square dancing is lame.

If I can't do this...

...then I'm out. [ Sighs ]

Anna-Kat, can you come here a second?

You were a little harsh with Franklin, don't you think?

Eh, he can handle it.

The kid's got thick skin.

And that's not just a saying.

At the doctor's, they have to use horse needles on him.

Weave the ring and set the square!

Yee-haw!

I agree. That's a lot.

But in a relationship, you have to make more of an effort.

Do something that the other one likes.

Ugh. Okay, fine.

Franklin, I'm in.

But I'm limiting you to one "yee-haw" and one "little lady" a day.

Yee-haw! Sounds good, little lady.

Aw, I shouldn't have used them both so fast.

Okay, guys, let's go.

We're gonna be late for school.

[ Door opens ]

It's so funny when parents give kids advice that they don't take themselves.

[ Door closes ]

I know we raised you to be the independent thinker and speak your mind, but that was a mistake.

I'm just saying, you and Dad don't do anything the other one likes.

You watch different TV shows, you have different interests.

If you read books, you'd like different books.

We're fine. Thank you.

Remember the savings bonds that Grandpa gave you when you were 3? Yeah.

I cashed them in when you were 4.

♪ A million dreams is all it's gonna take ♪

♪ A million dreams for the world we're gonna make ♪ That was amazing, babe.

That was fantastic, Taylor.

It's from "The Greatest Showman."

It's a movie where Wolverine for some reason starts a circus.

Thanks, Trip.

Is that what you're singing for your Carnegie Mellon audition tape?

Yeah. I just got to film it and send it in.

This video has to be perfect.

I've never wanted anything so badly in my life.

Do you need a director? Because you should know, I was a filmmaker back in college.

I still have my Super 8 camera.

Thanks, Dad. But Trip said he'd just sh**t it on his phone.

Do you really think you can capture the grit of the performance and the depth of emotions by just pressing a button on a cellphone?

Sure.

Oh.

♪♪ You know, I thought being single was gonna be fun, but farting whenever you want loses its appeal after a while.

Why don't you get out there and meet someone?

Who? Who am I meeting that wants to date a single woman deep in her 30s with four children?

Uhhh...a prisoner?

My breakup with Richard came out of nowhere.

But it also kind of didn't.

You know, apparently, we were drifting apart for years. Mm.

-Like how? -I don't know.

We were just leading separate lives.

Wait a minute.

How were you leading separate lives?

We were two people living in the same house with nothing in common.

Oh, no.

That is almost exactly what Oliver said about me and Greg.

Outside of the kids, we really don't do anything together.

We know.

We assumed you knew.

Oh, God.

Should I be worried?

We were. We assumed you were.

Look, you and Greg have to find something.

Celeste and I had different interests.

She wanted to take a cooking class, and I wanted to sleep with other people.

So, should I start going to his Historical Guild mixers?

No. No, no, no, no. In that case, you take the divorce. [ Inhales sharply ]

[ Square dance music plays ]

♪♪ Couple one go through that door!

Rip and snort across the floor!

♪♪ Kids, if you want to see what flawless rhythmic direction-taking looks like, its name is Franklin.

Promenade around the floor!

Keep it up till I call some more!

Oh, you're here!

You made it just in time for the "California twirl."

You need a bandana?

Nope. I brought my own.

Wow, you are some kind of woman. [ Chuckles ]

Franklin, Anna-Kat, it's called square dancing, not square talking amongst yourselves.

[ Chuckles ]

That was funny, huh?

Laugh.

Detention.

Now swing your partner high and low!

Promenade with heel and toe!

Just follow my lead.

Ow, ow. Ooh, ow.

That's okay. That's okay.

Now we just walk in a circle.

Franklin, what's happened?

You're falling apart.

Your do-si-dos are starting to look like do-si-don'ts.

[ Chuckles ]

What grade are you in? Fourth.

I hope you like it, 'cause you're doing it again.

Yeah, come in.

Hey, Dad.

Remember how you were, like, a movie guy or whatever in college?

I was an auteur, Taylor.

And I have the beret to prove it.

No, please.

I'm having some technical difficulties with Trip.

[ Music plays ] Rolling, babe.

♪ I close my eyes and I can see ♪

♪ A world that's waiting up for me ♪ I can't see anything with my eyes closed.

Trip!

[ Music plays ] Ready when you are, babe.

♪ Through the dark ♪

♪ Through the door ♪

♪ Through where no one's been before ♪

♪ But it feels ♪ Trip!

♪ I don't care, I don't care, so call me crazy ♪ Who loves his blanket?

Trip! Luthor loves his blanket!

[ Growling ] [ Sighs ]

Okay. I'd be happy to step in for Trip.

For the first sh*t, I'm gonna come around like --

No. No sh*ts, no doing that with your fingers.

Just point and sh**t.

Everybody's got an opinion.

This is why I stayed out of the business.

[ Sighs ]

[ Pins clatter ]

All right, Brie.

Get the spare, and we b*at these clowns.

Five pins. That's a lot of pressure.

Yeah, a lot of pressure.

So much pressure.

Should we film it?

We should totally film it.

Don't listen to them. You got this.

Damn right I do.

[ Charlotte laughs ] Come on.

Go, go, go, go, go.

[ All groan ]

Oliver, I think you might have to give Brie the Heimlich.

Because she choked.

All right, jerks.

Rematch. [ Cellphone chimes ]

sh**t. My dad's outside to pick us up.

Um, thanks for having us over, Cooper.

Not everyone has a bowling alley in their basement.

More people than you'd think.

No. Not more people than we think.

[ Door opens ]

I think I'm gonna do it.

[ Exhales sharply ] You're finally launching CooperCoin?

I'm gonna tell Charlotte I love her.

Absolutely not.

Hey, you don't get a say in my things.

If you tell Charlotte you love her, then I'm gonna have to tell Brie that I love her.

Why? Because you and me, we're in lockstep with Brie and Charlotte.

We met at the same time, we had our first date at the same time, we had our first kiss at the same time.

[ Scoffs ] So?

Just tell Brie you love her, too.

I'm not there yet.

And if I'm not there, you're not there.

But I am there.

Well, get the hell out of there!

[ Groans ] Amigo, you're k*lling me.

But okay, I won't say anything to Charlotte.

And no skywriting it.

Damn it.

[ Intercom chimes ]

Giles, ground the plane.

[ Intercom chimes ]

♪♪ Greg, is that you?

I'm in your office.

What's all this? The reason why our marriage is gonna fall apart.

You met your friends for second breakfast today, didn't you?

♪♪ What's going on?

We're leading separate lives!

Doris and Angela noticed, Oliver mentioned it, everyone knows that we're in trouble except us.

I think you're overreacting.

Oh, yeah?

These are your interests...

...and these are mine.

They couldn't be more different.

We have nothing in common.

We've been married for 18 years.

Of course we have things in common.

Where, Greg? Where?

Well, what are Russian dash cam videos?

I might like those.

Really? Well, I've never been, but Russia has a rich and storied culture.

You're gonna love this.

Oh, I can't wait. It's in St. Petersburg?

No, I don't know where that is.

[ Tires screech ] Oh, that's in --

[ Bear growls ] What is that?

Ah. Oh! [ Man screaming ]

That's horrible!

What?! It's hilarious.

That guy is being chased by a bear down the middle of a highway!

Yeah!

See?

This is what I mean.

Sweetie, we have things in common.

You're just not looking at this right.

All we need is a Venn diagram.

You draw two circles...

and see where they intersect.

Like you love "wine"...

Which you can get at a bar...

Mm-hmm. What else happens at a bar?

You dance, you listen to music, you tell drunk girls named Meegan exactly what you think of them.

Isn't there trivia?

Yes!

Pub trivia!

Totally!

Which is a puzzle and/or game!

[ Gasps ]

Oh, my God!

Your nerd circles are gonna save our marriage!

[ Chuckles ]

Principal Ablin: Here we go.

Forward and back, do-si-do, now swing your partner back to home!

♪♪ Oh, sorry.

Come on, Anna-Kat.

When you mess up, we mess up.

Now do what I do.

No!

♪♪ Franklin, I said "swing your partner," not "stir the bucket."

Now, girls, flutter-wheel!

♪♪ Boys, slip the clutch and split the star!

♪♪ What are you doing?

You ditched me for her!

That's it. You're both eliminated.

I expect your bandanas on my desk by end of day.

Take five, everybody.

You ruined my only chance at getting an "A" in PE.

Thanks a lot, Anna-Kat. [ Scoffs ]

I only did this stupid thing because it was important to you!

[ Sighs ] I'm gonna go play kickball.

If I had a dime for every dancer with promise we lost to kickball...

I'd still live with my mother.

But it would be my choice.

♪♪

[ Sighs ] Dad? Really?

We're not gonna use any of this.

Trip, give me a hand.

♪♪ Okay, rolling, and... action!

I -- [ Chips crunch ]

Cut!

Trip, what are you doing?

Huh? Sorry, I couldn't hear you.

These chips are really loud.

Exactly.

Oh. Gotcha.

And...action!

Oh, hey, you know what?

Cut. Trip!

I was being rude.

Do you guys want some chips?

Trip, maybe you should go play with Luthor in the backyard.

What, you don't want me here?

Fine! But he and I are gonna get dirty, and we're gonna track it back in the house.

[ Door opens, closes ] What's going on with him?

I have no idea. But let's just get this done.

Oliver: So we're clear -- none of this "I love you" stuff.

I need you to stay strong.

No, no, no, I'm good.

Just to be safe, we're hanging out at my house.

It's the least romantic place on earth.

[ Taylor singing in background ]

♪♪ Taylor: ♪ However big, however small ♪

♪ Let me be part of it all ♪ Oh, my.

♪ Share your dreams with me ♪

♪ You may be right, you may be wrong ♪ Charlotte, I --

He nothing!

What the hell?

You had a bug on your forehead.

But don't worry, I got it.

All right, let's change the mood.

How about we go to Cooper's and watch "Philadelphia" followed by "Schindler's List"?

[ "Swamp Stomp" plays on stereo ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

[ Air horn blows ]

All right, last question of round one.

On the Risk board, what territories border Kamchatka?

Oh, oh, I got this!

Yakutsk, Irkutsk, Alaska, Japan, and...Katie?

Who-gives-a-crapistan?

Wine? No, thanks.

I'm gonna stick to club soda.

I got to keep my mind sharp. Mongolia!

[ Air horn blows ]

Okay, time's up.

Get those answers in.

Hey, I'm gonna go sh**t some hoops.

You want to come? No, I'm good.

You'll join me for the next round?

Wouldn't miss it.

Our category for round two is...

Scandinavian haiku.

-Yes! -Might miss it.

♪♪ I got the high score on Pop-A-sh*t.

What a fun night together.

Well, technically, we didn't have fun together.

What do you mean?

You played basketball, I did trivia.

We didn't even really see each other.

That's not true.

I gave you one of these.

I don't think that counts.

Is it possible I was wrong?

We don't have anything in common?

What are you doing, man?

Maybe you were right.

Hey.

I came to you for reassurance.

If you're going to freak out, I'm going to freak out.

Well, I'm freaking out! Then I'm freaking out!

Well, on the bright side, we're finally doing something together.

[ Groans ]

I was looking at the Venn diagram, and I think I discovered something we have in common.

That's amazing. What is it?

It's a bit of a stretch, but you like mixed martial arts.

In college, I took an art class that was boys and girls mixed, taught by a guy named Marshall.

We're in more trouble than I thought.

I'll take some hot water, please.

Hot water?

I travel with my own tea.

What's wrong with our tea?

Was yours picked from a secluded grove atop Mount Fuji?

No. You have your answer.

Well, I'll tell Oliver that you came to pick him up for school but had to leave before someone kicked you in the ass.

[ Doorbell rings ]

Franklin, what are you doing here?

There's no carpool this morning.

Mrs. Otto, I respectfully ask you to step aside.

Anna-Kat, I came to say I'm sorry.

Principal Ablin told me I had to choose between you and dancing.

I choose you.

You're making the wrong choice!

The answer is always dance!

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ] I'm sorry.

I should have just done kickball with you.

No, you were right to do square dancing.

You would've been miserable in kickball.

I know. It's such a confusing sport.

Are you baseball or are you soccer?

Make up your mind, kickball!

[ Chuckles ]

We don't have to like all the same things.

Yeah. We can each do our own thing and meet up afterwards.

That way, we have something to talk about.

It's how we keep it interesting.

Let's go kick the ball in the yard.

I'll kick it.

You dance beside me.

[ Door opens, closes ]

-[ Laughs ] -Yee-haw!

Katie: Maybe they have it right.

Maybe we don't need to have all the same interests.

Yeah.

Do you smell something fancy?

Can I ask you guys a question?

When did you first tell Mrs. Otto you loved her?

I actually told her in a drug store.

[ Both chuckle ]

In front of a rack of athlete's foot powder.

Really? Yeah.

I grabbed a couple of lawn chairs, opened them up in the aisle, sat her down and said, "I love you."

Which is crazy, because a couple of nights before, we had taken a carriage ride, and we were also on a Ferris wheel.

But, no, the drug store, that's where he did it.

Why there?

'Cause the time was right.

And when it's the right time, it's the right time.

Then we started getting serious, and it was how different we were that drew us closer together.

It was, wasn't it?

Yeah. Between us, we had everything covered.

You knew about the sports and the --

It's just sports, Greg. Oh.

And you were passionate about music and history and reading and crap.

Let's go.

[ Door opens ]

So I don't have to worry if Oliver's ready.

As long as I'm ready.

Thanks.

[ Door closes ]

Well, looks like my mother-son Pride cruise to Mykonos is back on!

[ Both laugh ]

[ School bell rings ]

Hey, Charlotte.

Oh, hey, Coop.

Come on, we have to go meet Oliver and Brie for lunch.

But first, there's something I need to tell you.

I love you.

I know, you probably expected me to do this on a yacht at sunset or something, but when you think it's the right time, it's the right time.

Cooper, you're a great guy... Uh-oh.

...but I don't want to get that serious right now.

I think we should take a break.

As in break up?

I think that's a great idea.

You do? Yeah. [ Chuckles ]

You didn't let me finish.

I love you, but we should break up.

Great. Um, I'll see you around.

Adiós...mi corazón.

♪ A million dreams are keeping me awake ♪

♪ I think of what the world could be ♪

♪ A vision of the one I see ♪

♪ A million dreams is all it's gonna take ♪

♪ A million dreams for the world we're gonna ma-a-a-ke ♪

♪ For the world we're gonna make ♪ Okay. It's done.

I'm pressing send.

Don't.

What do you mean "don't"?

What is going on with you?

[ Sighs ] I just don't want you going away to school.

Why can't you go to a local college with me?

Carnegie Mellon is my dream.

I just think if you stayed here, that'd be better.

Wait.

All of those things you did...

Were you intentionally sabotaging my audition?

I can't believe you!

"I can't believe you" in a good way?

I can't believe you're being so selfish!

Why can't you move to Pittsburgh with me?

Well, my whole life is here.

My brothers all went to college here, and then we all go into the family business.

Well, I'm sorry, but I have plans, and they don't involve staying in Westport.

So, where does that leave us?

I don't know.

Alright.

I'm gonna go.

I gotta catch a flight to Pittsburgh.

It's just a coincidence.

My cousin's getting married there.

♪♪

What did you do? What do you mean?

Turns out you and I aren't the only ones in lockstep.

I just got a text from Brie.

She and Charlotte were, too.

So if Charlotte's gonna be single...

Brie's gonna be single.

That's right. She dumped me.

Because of you!

We're still playing "Seal Force Delta" later, right?

Of course! We're on the same patrol!

♪♪ What are you watching?

"90 Day Fiancé."

They take a foreigner and have an American marry them so they get their citizenship.

That sounds illegal.

It doesn't claim to represent the best of us.

[ Indistinct chatter through headphones ]

Are you just watching dirt?

It's not dirt.

It's a documentary on topsoil, and it has me on the edge of my seat.

Oh.

This is nice.

I like that we don't have to do something together to be together.

Yeah, you're right.

I'm gonna tell Doris and Angela that.

I was thinking. Mm-hmm.

Maybe we don't tell them everything about our marriage all the time?

They are not gonna like hearing you said that.

♪♪

[ g*nf*re, explosions ]

How you holding up about Brie?

Sorry I blew it for the both of us.

I'll bounce back.

That apology dinner was top-notch.

You'd think putting a whole pound of caviar on a filet mignon would be imbalanced, but you gotta let Wolfgang do Wolfgang.

[ g*nf*re, screaming ]

Thanks for being so cool about all this.

It's okay.

Next time, I would encourage you not to ask my mom for relationship advice.

It's like asking Taylor to be your chemistry tutor.

And I guess Charlotte and I just weren't meant to be.

Yeah, neither were me and Brie.

But we'll always have each other.

I love you, bro.

I love you too, man.

[ g*nf*re, screaming ]