06x04 - S'mothered

[bunniefuu]

[School bell rings]

Y'know, because we've been together for months.

It's been .

But I'm glad we feel the same way about anniversaries.

- Lame.

- Lame.

So can I get that Ho-Ho back or...?

months of dating.

That beats my record by...

months.

Your dad won't stop raving about Tina at the restaurant.

I try to not let it affect my performance at work, but it does.

What does your mom think of Tina?

Thankfully, they haven't met yet.

There's no way they'd ever get along.

They both have strong personalities.

I prefer a strong woman.

Physically I mean.

Like she could lift a car off me after a real bad accident.

The only strong woman my mom likes is the singer Amy Grant.

And only because she can silence her on command.

So what happens when they do meet?

They won't.

I can't take the chance my mom will ruin my relationship.

She ruins everything I like...

Well, I'm off to see "Fight Club." No R-rated movies.

Besides I heard Brad Pitt's character is imaginary.

That's just lazy writing.

[Sighs]

Hey, where's the creamy filling?

Oh, I took it.

You don't need it.

Ma, what the hell did you do to my N.W.A. shirt?

_ [Sighs]

Yeah, my mom and Tina can never meet.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know, homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[Squeaking]

Working out some stress, Mommy?

I'm warming up for my new school administration class.

Discipline.

Writing I'm a rightie, slapping I'm a leftie.

I hope it's as rewarding as my new Drama class.

We're exploring our emotions.

I can cry on command.

I think about tulips wilting!

Speaking of emotions, Trent tells me you and Tina are going strong.

Young love makes my heart skip a b*at.

[Chuckles]

I hope that's what it is.

Love?

Please.

Me and Tina just bump into each other sometimes.

But, you know, I bump into a lot of people.

Long limbs, narrow hallways, you do the math.

So, Evan, anything new with you?

Anybody?

Big G?

Thank you for your interest, Edwyn.

Grandma and I are going to explore the ancient art of meditation.

Ugh.

Meditation is just an expensive way to cross your legs.

I've reached a point in my life where I would like to de-stress and enhance my self-awareness.

_ Fascinating.

So we should continue talking about other people.

Dad, you're a happening guy.

What's new with you?

Well, let's see...

Ooh, at the restaurant, we're introducing...

...new napkins.

Time to go.

See ya, Dad.

Enjoy those napkins.

I will!

Because that's my thing.

Napkins.

[Indistinct conversations]

Hey, how about instead of studying the French Revolution at your house, we can go to the mall and experience French culture at Au Bon Pain?

You're trying to get out of studying.

Je guilty.

Tell you what.

To mix it up, how about we study at your place this time?

Uh... uh, I wish we could, but... my house is being fumigated.

Again?

You said that last week.

I was looking forward to finally meeting your mom.

Well, you've met my dad, and he's basically just my mom with shorter hair so...

You don't want me to meet your mother, do you?

I'd love nothing more!

Alas, she's... out of town.

Indefinitely.

JESSICA: Eddie!

Isn't that your mom over there?

Eddie!

Calling your name.

A lot of ladies call my name.

You'll have to get used to that.

Eddie, hurry up!

You've got to get home and clean your room.

It smells like gym socks and ham!

You know what?

I forgot I'm supposed to let the fumigator in.

He takes it personally if I'm late.

Dude's sensitive.

Like a lot of fumigators are.

I'll call you later!

Each napkin has a different Orlando landmark.

Look, it's Lake Apopka.

At one time, Florida's most polluted lake.

Every napkin has a story.

Just like the spills they clean up.

Beautiful.

Hmm.

[Chuckles]

I hope you're not a spy for the health department.

[Chuckles]

Seriously, Evan got grounded for that.

We're learning about the hero's journey for Drama class.

I'm shadowing you for a character study.

Oh, good choice!

I'm always journeying like a hero.

[Chuckles]

Did I mention the new napkins?

Heck yeah you did!

I've been thinking about them all day!

I love napkins!

I'm sorry, Dad.

We haven't had the class on fake enthusiasm yet.

Oh.

That's alright.

Who am I kidding?

Nobody cares about napkins.

I'm gonna collect the whole set!

I mean, I love this place, but I'm feeling kind of restless.

I just turned , Cattleman's practically runs itself.

This may be my last chance to roll the dice on something new.

I get it.

You're looking for your "call to adventure."

Last time I answered a call to adventure, my identity got stolen.

Never give anyone your social.

[Sighs]

I want to find my next big thing, but I just don't know where to start.

What if you took an aptitude test?

We took one for school, and guess what they said my personality was best suited for?

Acting!

- Really?

- Yes!

And it only takes minutes.

if you're Eddie.

Let's do it!

[Chuckles]

Sorry, just looking for...

[Gasps]

Found her!

Orange County Convention Center!

Yes!

I got all the convention centers!

[Sighs]

♪ Stop for a minute ♪

♪ Baby, I'm so glad you're mine ♪

Oh, Amy Grant.

I think it, and you sing it.

♪ I'll be in Grandma's room practicing mindfulness.

If you need me, maybe stop for a second and think, "Do I really need anything?"

[Doorbell rings]

Hello, Mrs.

Huang.

I'm Tina.

I thought it was time we met.

Well, if it isn't the mysterious, overly-confident girlfriend.

I prefer to think of myself as your son's better half.

Three-quarters, really.

EDDIE: I did it...

animals, sandwich.

[Sighs]

We flew too close to the sun, my friend.

♪ Tina, what a pleasure to meet you.

The pleasure is all mine.

Eddie's been dying for us to meet, right?

Yes!

Tina, Ma.

Ma, Tina.

You've met.

Uh, let's go to a movie!

You're not wearing pants.

It's a look.

Let's go!

Nobody's going anywhere.

I'm gonna take this opportunity to get to know your special little friend person.

That's why I'm here.

To get to know your special little mother.

Person.

♪ Your presence is not required.

Why don't you get some air?

You know, because of all the fumigation.

Yeah, s...

sounds good.

Great.

Hella cool.

T-t-t-t-totally.

So...

Oh, God, no.

[Door closes]

Now that you're here, without calling, I'd be delighted to hear your intentions toward my son.

And I'd be delighted to hear your intentions toward my boyfriend.

♪ No!

This is perfect, Dad.

The test said you're social, enterprising, and we all know you love hair.

You're a natural barber.

A fine coiffure is a man's God-given right.

Oh, well, just take a quarter inch off the top.

Or maybe even less.

How about you just comb it?

[Chuckles]

Don't worry, I cut Brian's hair, and it looks great.

I'm a slow grower.

This will take months to fill in.

[Sighs]

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

I just love it!

Very flattering.

Very flattering.

Great job, Lou.

Oh, I haven't started.

That's why you're the best.

It doesn't look "done."

[Laughs]

I don't know.

This isn't as fulfilling as I'd hoped.

Maybe barbarism isn't for me.

You did a great job on my five o'clock shadow.

Thanks, Trent.

My talent isn't in question.

Let's just say, I have the skill, but not the will.

That's me and making baklava.

Besides, Orlando already has a surprising number of barbers per capita.

The Caribbean-adjacent crosswinds are basically rocket fuel for hair follicles.

You sure know your Orlando facts.

- You know what?

I do.

- [Door opens and closes]

MARVIN: [Laughing]

Hey.

I forgot to tip you, buddy.

[Laughs]

People are lovin' it!

[Chuckles]

[Soothing music plays]

MAN: One more inhale.

And as you exhale, feel yourself relax into your moment...

of deepest... calm.

Armageddon!

- Aah!

- Aah!

I was just about to sink into my ocean of truth.

Who cares?!

Mom and Tina are meeting for the first time!

We're at DEFCON !

Uh, I think you mean DEFCON ?

DEFCON means peacetime.

What sense does that make?

should be worse than .

Focus!

Two heavyweights are in the ring.

It's like Roe versus Wade in there!

I need to hear what they're saying.

Does anyone have a glass so I can listen through the wall?

That only works in the movies.

Just eavesdrop through the air vent like a normal person.

♪ [Indistinct shouting]

Sounds heated.

Guess it's back to kissing my pillow.

Which I never did, ever.

My money's on Mommy!

- [Slap!]

- Oh, my God.

They've gone full "Road House."

[Laughs]

♪ What happened?

Who's hurt?

♪

[Both laugh]

We're fine.

Turns out your mom and I have a lot in common.

We're both no-nonsense, goal-orientated women with a common enemy...

- The sun!

- The sun!

Tina is great.

She's not a dud like all your other girlfriends.

One he said he met at camp.

He never went to camp.

But it sounded like a fight.

I heard someone get slapped!

- Oh, that?

- [Laughs]

He always makes a monster sandwich when he's trying not to study!

Totally!

I gotta push this kid all the damn time to live up to his potential!

Yes, girl!

Yes!

Preach!

Mmm...

mm.

Strong smack.

I like it.

Respect.

So you guys actually like each other?

Hey, don't act so surprised.

I'm very easy to get along with.

Some might even say charming.

They might.

And they do.

Great, this is awesome!

Where'd I put my sandwich?

LOUIS: And, uh, coming up on your right, you'll see Carrot Top's childhood home!

This is much more you, Dad.

I know!

Being a tour guide combines my people skills, my passion for Orlando, and my secret desire to wear a little headset.

[Laughs]

Thanks for being my guinea pigs.

I thought you were just giving us a ride to Mommy and Me.

Uh, you don't want to take Colonial at this hour, Lou.

Just pull a U-boat up ahead here and take Edgewater.

- It's faster, more efficient.

- Are you sure?

I planned this route very carefully.

Coming up on your right is the worldwide headquarters of Tupperware!

Uh, can we pull over?

I need to use the bathroom.

Uh, can it wait?

I have a whole spiel about Earl Tupper and his clash with female CEO Brownie Mae Wise...

The first woman to make the cover of Business Week.

You're losing us, Lou!

[Babies crying]

Oh, Marvin!

The babies!

They're just saying what we're all thinking!

Uh, everyone, we are in the middle of a tour.

If you could please keep it down for the other guests.

Dad, you just ran a stop sign.

There'll be another one!

Uh...

Speaking of stop signs, the first one appeared in in Detroit, Michigan, a state that looks like a mitten.

No one cares!

I have to pee!

Pull over!

[Babies crying]

[Paper tears]

[Scoffs]

He does do that!

He so does.

[Both laugh]

But he's been good today.

Got through a whole chapter without nodding off.

I consider it a win if his book is right-side up.

He calls Geometry "Shapes Class."

Oh, shut up!

You shut up!

No, both of you shut up.

♪ This is my calling for sure.

A motivational speaker.

Inspiring people to live life to the fullest.

You're like a tour guide, but for people's lives.

And I still get to use the headset.

...and then I won the Golden Prune award.

And, uh, that's just a brief explanation of...

Brief?!

How is minutes brief?!

...of, uh, how Cattleman's Ranch Steakhouse, just off the I- and now open for breakfast, became a success.

Oh, great!

A question.

Is Zumba still in here at : ?

Um...

It is said that a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step.

But, um, in reality, a journey of a thousand miles should begin with a map!

[Laughs]

Hey, where are you going?

Where are you going?

Well, I'm trying to motivate you!

This is supposed to be my next big thing!

I'm inspiring!

I respectfully disagree.

Well...

♪ You know what?

He's right.

Who am I to give you advice?

How can I help you find your next chapter if I can't even find mine?

[Sighs]

Maybe there isn't one.

Maybe this is it.

Maybe my next big thing is just... death.

♪ [Up-tempo music plays]

Alright, you muffin-tops!

Who's ready to Zumba?!

[Cheers]

♪ Speaking of firsts, did I ever tell you about my first kiss?

You'd better be about to!

No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

...an overall sensation of wet.

Can you guys please keep it down?

I'm trying to study!

[Gasps]

What's happening to me?

Oh, you're evolving!

From a boy of nonsense into a man of letters.

I think we should take a break.

Let's go get a milkshake.

Good idea.

Coming, Jess?

♪ Our boy Eddie needs to step up his course-load senior year.

It's lucky I look good in blue because I tell him that until I'm blue in the face.

Uh... you look good in all colors.

You're so observant.

You actually don't look good in orange, so...

[Clicks tongue]

Whatever.

Me?

You're the one who's observant.

That's another good observation!

[Giggling]

[School bell rings]

Did you know Jessica can get five dinners out of one roast chicken?

Another fun fact about my mother.

Will it ever get old?

Not to me!

You're okay with me being friends with your mom, right?

You're not afraid of a little harmless female bonding.

What?!

I'm happy as can be.

♪ I thought it would be bad for my mom and my girlfriend to hate each other, but them liking each other is so much worse.

Life's curveballs, am I right?

I mean, I barely get time alone with my girlfriend anymore.

Silver lining?

I'm friends with your dad, Tina's friends with your mom, we introduce my sis Tracy to your grandma, and we've got ourselves a dinner party.

What am I gonna do?

At the rate they're going, Tina's gonna ask my mother to prom.

Not gonna lie, I'm into that.

I wanted to ask Short Linda to prom, but she'd have to break up with Thick-Neck Chris.

That's it!

That's what I have to do.

I have to break them up!

Dude, you're crazy.

What Thick-Neck Chris has with Short Linda is real.

No.

I need to break up my mother and my girlfriend.

Okay, gotta ask...

Why do we call her Short Linda?

She's -feet tall.

But very curt.

Lotta one-word answers.

Hunting ground of notorious serial k*ller Ted Bundy?

[Sighs]

Well, this was unwise.

You don't have to check up on me, I'm fine.

I rolled the dice on something new, and they came up snake eyes.

Are snake eyes bad?

I don't know.

I think so.

Snakes are bad.

Well, I just came by to tell you I'm quitting Drama.

What?

Why?

I auditioned for " nd Street," and I couldn't do a high kick.

Guess I'm bad at acting.

Son, you can't just give up because things don't immediately go your way.

I just really wanted it to work out.

And it will one day.

But only if you don't give up.

If you walk away, how will you ever know what wonderful opportunities might be just around the corner?

That's good advice.

Maybe you should take it.

Me?

I'm not quitting Drama.

I made up that whole story.

I kick great!

- Whoa.

- Yeah.

I just want you to keep hunting for your next challenge, no matter how long it takes.

You deserve to find your passion.

Thanks, son.

Your support means a lot.

[Chuckles]

You get your high kick from your old man, you know.

My side of the family is famous for our loose groins.

♪ Hey, here's a thought.

How about today we study to music?

I said study to music!

[Snoring, wheelchair squeaking]

The whole time I thought she was in silent contemplation, she's just been snoozing!

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ I'm taken with the notion ♪

Oh, no, Amy Grant?

I'm sorry, Tina.

I forgot how much you hate Amy Grant.

JESSICA: What?

That can't be true!

Amy Grant has the voice of an angel!

Tina!

She's my mom's favorite singer.

You're basically saying my mom has no taste.

I haven't said anything.

Are you just gonna sit there and let this high school girl tell you you're tasteless?

That's not the fiery Keds-kicking tempest I know.

Tempest?

Eddie, what is this?

He's trying, with the subtlety of an elephant, to cause friction between us.

So what?

You're not okay with us hanging out?

You lied to me?

I plead the fourth.

Oh, he's so close to knowing stuff.

First you don't want us to meet, and then when we do and get along, you try to ruin it?

What's wrong with you?

♪ The birds above are singing you a chorus ♪

Whoa, feeling a lotta red auras in here.

♪ Baby, I'm so glad you're mine ♪

You didn't want me to meet Tina?

Of course not.

You have strong opinions which you express hourly at peak volume.

It's called confidence.

It's a gift.

I'm sorry.

I just thought you might ruin my relationship.

What?

I would never do that.

Well, it doesn't matter.

I already ruined everything all on my own.

Okay, I may have been pushing it a little bit with Tina.

Did you really have to braid her hair?

You don't know a woman's true beauty until you see her neck.

I just wanted us to get along because I knew how much you liked her.

How?

I barely told you about her.

That's how I knew.

And I know why you like her.

Because she's like me...

Direct, smart, and you always know what's on her mind.

Yeah, well, right now, she's thinking she hates me.

No, she's not.

She obviously cares about you a lot.

Another thing we have in common.

Now go fix this.

Oh, and Eddie...?

Don't ever weaponize Amy Grant again.

Before you cut me out of all your photos, I wanted to say I'm really sorry.

And I understand if you want to break up with me.

[Sighs]

If I broke up with you every time you did something weird, we wouldn't have lasted an hour.

Yeah.

Props for tolerance.

I just want you to be honest.

You should have told me you were nervous about me meeting your mom.

I know.

And that you'd rather hang out on our own.

I would too.

Really?

Of course.

I like Jessica, but I'm dating you.

I laid it on a little thick because she's your mom.

I want to get along.

But between you and me, she braids way too tight.

I liked you in braids.

You looked kinda like the Wendy's girl...

The hottest of the fast-food mascots.

Do you ever stop thinking about burgers?

Sometimes I think about sliders.

Do sliders count as burgers?

There's no correct answer.

It's an eternal debate.

[Laughs]

[Laughter in distance]

[Grunts]

You want to listen?

Buck a minute.

I got to get your chair a bell.

[Sighs]

I think male modeling is out.

I've been told I have feminine ankles.

Mom?

Louis Huang?

I've been looking for you!

I was actually at the talk you gave the other night.

My name's Tom.

Were you the one who threw the smoothie at me?

I was taken aback.

Those are not cheap.

You've inspired me to chase my dreams, and I was thinking maybe you'd like to invest in my new business.

[Chuckles lightly]

Well, I'm flattered.

Lay it on me.

It's a website where a person has their own space to post pictures and notes that they can share with friends and family.

♪ Uh, they can already do that through a little company called The United States Postal Service.

[Laughs]

Well, I mean, this is...

I'm gonna have to pass.

Thanks for stopping by.

Keep thinking.

Okay.

- Oof.

- [Chuckles]

Can you imagine?

Who wants to look at other people's photos on the computer?

[Both laughing]

That's so dumb.

Oh, gosh.

[Chuckles]

What an idiot.