08x07 - S'mores and a Sadness Cocoon

[bunniefuu]

MAN (over TV): The truth is, I'm not your father.

I'm your...

(drilling)

The truth is, I'm not your father.

I'm your...

(drilling)

(drilling)

Hey, Corey!

(drilling stops)

You're supposed to be protecting the building from earthquakes, not causing them.

Sorry.

Can you take a break while I finish the trashy reality show I'm too embarrassed to tell you the name of?

All right, fellas, you heard the lady.

Take a break.

Oh, hang on.

- Okay.

Thank you.

- What's that for?

I have to prove to the building owner that this work is finally happening 'cause I said I'd take care of it six years ago and three years ago and last year.

Hey, while I've got you, can you get the guy with the RV out of the alley?

I can't get my truck in.

Happy to.

Yelling at people's my favorite sport.

What's that one for?

I want to show you to my friends.

Yo, dumbass!

Move this piece of crap!

Hey.

Oh, great, the dumbass is my husband.

My buddy Jay loaned us his RV.

Spontaneous vacation, where do you want to go?

Jay's house, to return it.

♪♪ Hi, Wendy.

Hey, Jill.

Hey.

Hi, Wendy.

Hi, Bonnie.

Hello, Jill.

- (sighs)

- It's only a breakup.

Would you stop talking to me like Neiman Marcus closed?

- We're just worried about you.

- Well, I'm fine.

- Are you?

- (sighs)

Yes.

Look, I cried my eyes out for the first two days, but then I emerged from my sadness cocoon as the butterfly you see before you.

I unfriended him on Facebook.

I even boxed up some of his things and left them at his place without setting them on fire.

And not just because he has a Ring camera, but because I am a happy, well-adjusted butterfly.

- Are you?

- Yes.

In fact, I'm in a great mood today because I get to go see my dentist.

You know we can't use the happy gas for a cleaning, right?

Or can we?

Can we?

Dr. Mekizian is my happy gas.

I used to be super phobic about going to the dentist.

It was a really big problem.

I mean, my smile is my third most attractive attribute.

Unless I'm in Europe, and then it's my first.

- I'm betting he's hot.

- No, he's better than hot.

He's comforting.

He's like a teddy bear or a bowl of spaghetti or a teddy bear eating a bowl of spaghetti.

Oh, I just love him to itty-bitty pieces.

Hey, sorry I'm late, I was entranced by the amazing RV that Adam borrowed.

Yeah.

Well, I prefer the phrase "got stuck with." Tammy, where are the cookies?

You said you'd bring them.

I was entranced.

Did you know that there's a dinner table that transforms into a bed and then back into a dinner table?

Well, that should lead to an exciting game of Guess the Stain.

You know, I've never been inside of one of those.

What exactly is the point?

So you can escape to nature while still destroying the environment.

Since when did you care about the environment?

Since Adam asked me to hop into that rolling dumpster and drive around for a week.

As someone who's lived in my car, that will never feel like a vacation.

You know, it wouldn't k*ll you to give it a try.

You know what, I will give it a try and I hope it does k*ll me so I can rub it in your face.

Hey, Jill, how you doing?

Careful, she hates sad voice.

Oh, Tammy, you're so sweet for asking.

Ground control to Jill.

Is that you, Jill?

You got other patients who get decked out like this?

I do not.

But I'm always impressed by the things you think of to bring.

The blanket is to keep me warm and calm, the mask is 'cause the light is bright and the earphones are so I don't hear the scraping and...

- the drilling.

- The drilling.

I know.

But I still think it's 'cause you don't want to hear my jokes.

Oh.

(laughs)

- How you been, kiddo?

- Oh, I've been better.

My boyfriend and I just broke up.

Well, in my professional opinion, that's his floss.

(laughs)

Thanks.

No, I'm serious.

Who's his dentist?

I make one phone call and he eats through a straw.

(laughs)

You're the best.

Oh.

Now remember, I make a lot of faces, but I'm only in pain if I raise my hand.

Right hand is pain, left hand is question.

All right, let's get that dazzling smile ready for the next guy.

- Oh.

- Question?

Um, how long do you think it'll be till I meet him?

(chuckles)

What do you think so far?

Well, we've only been driving for seven minutes, and most of that was you backing out of the alley, but... yes, good times.

I'm glad you're giving this a sh*t.

Yeah, it was all my idea.

No one had to talk me into it.

So where are we headed?

That's the best part.

Anywhere, U.S.A.

I agreed to one night, so make it Anywhere, our zip code.

Isn't this great?

Normally when you travel it's all a hassle till you get to your destination, but with an RV, the party starts when you turn the key.

Cute rhymes don't make it smell any less like bowling shoes in here.

Just sit back and take in the sights.

Home Depot.

Target.

McDonald's.

I do love the open road.

Hey, do you want to make popcorn?

- While we're driving?

- That's the magic of the mobile home.

You can watch TV, play a board game, iron a shirt.

You can use the toilet, which, by the way, turns into a shower.

You can take a shower.

These are all things we can do at home.

Yeah, but when you're done, you're still at home.

Here, by the time you dry off, we're eight, ten miles away.

(chuckles)

You're cute when you're filled with inexplicable enthusiasm.

Lorena, can I please get a purple toothbrush?

And maybe some mint floss?

Cinnamon gives me the heebie-jeebies.

Thank you.

Hmm.

Y'all doing some remodeling?

That's good, 'cause I was gonna say something.

The new dentist just wants to open up the space a little.

Oh, is Dr. Mekizian getting a partner?

No, the new guy's taking over the practice.

Uh, where's Dr. Mekizian going?

I'm not supposed to say anything.

Okay, well, it's too late.

He's retiring.

Like, he's not gonna be seeing patients anymore?

Am-am I one of the patients he's not gonna be seeing anymore?

It's not for three months.

But I only come every six months.

You know that, Lorena!

I mean, I have waited for a dentist I could love my entire life and now-now he's abandoning me?

I'm sorry, I don't mean to be taking it out on you, it's just, I get excited when I see those postcards.

I look forward to coming here.

And I just can't believe that was my last "How you been, kiddo?"

- What's going on?

- You are not allowed to retire.

You make me feel safe.

(crying)

And I don't think I've ever told you this, but...

I've put you as my emergency contact in every doctor's office, including this one.

Jill...

I'm sorry.

I was gonna send a letter.

A letter?

Why don't you just send a text saying, "Your cavities are no longer my problem"?

This isn't how I wanted you to find out.

It's time for me to hang it up.

My wife and I want to travel.

Well, can I come with you?

You outdid yourself with those steaks.

- D- .

- Thank you.

Hit.

- E- .

- Miss. D- .

Hit.

You know, the kid on this box is probably older than us right now.

- B- .

- Miss.

I'm guessing he's dead.

I mean, child model?

What good could come from that?

D- .

- Hit.

You sunk my battleship!

- (laughs)

How are you k*lling me at this game?

I was born with a strategic mind.

Also, I can see all of your boats in that gigantic side-view mirror.

I'm craving s'mores all of a sudden.

Yes, I knew that would happen.

- Look what I brought.

- You didn't.

I did.

And...

- a book of ghost stories.

- Scary or sexy?

I've never heard a sexy ghost story.

We traced the call.

(whispers): It's coming from inside your pants.

You were right.

Everything is better in an RV.

- Told you.

- (laughs)

You got marshmallow in my hair.

Huh.

We could take a toilet-shower together.

Not something I ever thought I'd say, but I'm looking forward to it.

(banging on door)

MAN: Police, open up.

Ten bucks he thinks we're cooking meth in here.

Not a bad Plan B, by the way.

Evening, officer.

This is private property.

You can't park your RV here.

Okay, tell that to the guy sleeping in the table, 'cause he said when you're in one of these things, the world is your hotel room.

Look at me, driving home in my sex sheet.

'Cause I'm in my bedroom, living room and car all at the same time.

I can't believe we got a ticket and you're still in a great mood.

We made the RV sexy, but the cop made it dangerous.

I take back every bad word

- I said about this thing.

- You mean that?

I do.

I'm really enjoying this.

Glad to hear it, 'cause we own this bad boy.

- What?

- I-I bought the RV.

Uh, you-you dropped your sheet.

(grunting, groaning)

Hey!

What...

Take it easy back there.

Why?

If we break it, we already bought it.

I mean, you already bought it without talking to me.

You did that on purpose.

I can't get back to our place without making a turn.

Well, give me a little warning next time, like you didn't when you bought this thing.

I'm sorry.

What can I say?

You know how hard it is to find an RV that's tricked out for a guy in a wheelchair?

You know how easy it is to pick up the phone and say, "Hey, honey, I'm about to spend... "

- Wh-What did this cost?

- I got a great deal.

- It just won't sound like it.

- (scoffs, groans)

May I remind you that ten minutes ago you were Team RV?

- Right turn.

- (yelps, screams)

You know what?

- I changed my mind.

- (brakes squealing)

I'm glad you bought this thing, 'cause now you live in it.

Well...

(sighs)

Well, we knew it would come to this one day.

Who do you want to live with?

Traitor.

♪ ♪ How do I move on from Dr. Mekizian?

I mean, he accepted me for who I am...

a woman who requires a blanket, an eye mask and incense for a routine checkup.

Are you sure he's retiring and not just hiding from you?

Are you sure Victor's dead and not just hiding from you?

Yes.

Hey, is Bonnie coming back, or is her pickle in play?

Take her pickle at your own risk.

That's what they used to say to me in prison.

Guys, I think I'm gonna k*ll someone.

I was just making sure they gave you a crispy one.

Unbelievable.

Adam bought that RV, and now our insurance is going up and we have to pay to park it.

There's a parking lot right next to the hospital that has really good monthly rates.

I'm enjoying being in the right.

Please don't give me solutions.

Adam's my buddy, but he really screwed the pooch with this one.

You see, Wendy?

That's what you do.

You feed the fire.

Isn't this the same exact thing he did when he bought the bar?

Why, yes, it is, Jill.

I was just reminding him of that on the phone.

Again, this is what I'm looking for.

Careful, Bonnie.

Sometimes, when we're in the right and we handle it poorly, we're not in the right anymore.

And here's Old Mother Hubbard to take a whiz on my flames.

I'm just saying that justified anger can be dangerous, because we often take it too far.

Are you even listening to me?

Sorry, I'm just seeing if the insurance would cover us if the RV accidentally caught fire.

What?

Adam wouldn't be in it.

I'm going to the grocery store.

Could you please, uh, move your house?

Not a problem.

While you're there, can you grab me some eggs?

Nope.

- Are we ever gonna talk about this?

- Nope.

Good day.

So, all we have to do is to reinforce this area.

And we may have to move these pipes.

Yes!

He's open!

Go, go, go!

Sounds like a good plan, Corey.

What the hell?

: , right on time.

Hey, buddy.

You have him till : .

Don't let him fill up on treats, 'cause he's having dinner with me.

- You're not handling this well.

- I know.

What if I give you money?

- Jill.

- Not like a gift.

Like an investment.

A cash infusion, they call it on CNBC.

It's not about the money.

What if we just meet up twice a year?

There must be a dentist office you can rent by the hour.

I don't think that'd be fair to my other patients.

Fine.

What if I have you over for dinner every six months, and if the conversation leads us to a room in my house that has a dental chair, whatever happens happens.

Do you have a dental chair?

Well, I've narrowed it down to three.

I'll send you a link to my Amazon cart.

I should have known you weren't gonna take this news easily.

Yeah, you should have.

I'm sorry it's hard, but I am retiring.

So you're just gonna...

hang up your saliva vacuum and leave me?

(chuckles)

Dr. Segal will be taking on all of my patients.

You'll be in excellent hands.

So this is it?

- It's over?

- It is.

Well...

- if it's really over...

- And it is.

Then I...

I want to say thank you.

I'm gonna try to get through this without crying.

I know that I can be a bit needy sometimes.

I guess that's one of the big reasons why Andy broke up with me.

But you, um...

you never made me feel like I was too much.

There.

I made it.

Jill... some people might call you high-maintenance.

But I think you're someone who knows what she wants and how to ask for it.

Exactly.

And then you don't have to guess what I want, which actually makes me low-maintenance.

I wouldn't go that far.

(both chuckling)

- I'm gonna miss you.

- I'm gonna miss you, too, kiddo.

Can I hug you?

Well, I'm gonna need to call Lorena in, but...

yes.

(power tools whirring outside)

(loud whirring and grinding)

Damn it, Corey.

- Hey, Cor?

- Yeah?

What's the deal with the water?

I had to shut it off.

Should be back on by tonight.

Okey doke.

Have a super day.

(knocking)

Good morning.

The water's shut off.

I need coffee and the bathroom.

After punishing me all week, you're gonna ask for a favor?

It's not a favor.

I own half of this thing, and I've decided it's the half with the coffee and the potty-shower.

- And if I say no?

- I will have you towed.

- Come on in.

- Good call.

I'm glad you're here.

- I really wanted to talk to you.

- What'd you buy now?

A boat?

Space shuttle?

Papa John's franchise?

Yeah, I get why you think I might.

That is a messed-up thing I seem to do every now and again, and I'm very, very... sorry.

This coffee is terrible.

Go on.

When I bought the bar without discussing it with you, I promised you and myself that I would never do anything like that again, but I did, and...

it was disrespectful to you...and our marriage.

So why the hell do you keep doing it?

Well, that part's a little trickier to talk about.

I feel like...

(sighs)

There are times where...

You know when two people are in a canoe?

Spit it out!

Sometimes, when I want something, I-I'm afraid to run it by you because you'll just sh**t it down.

It's just easier to get what I want and deal with the fallout later.

Well, that is manipulative, immature and probably how I'd handle me, too.

But in my defense, we are having an adult conversation now.

Yeah, but it took seven days.

Meanwhile, I'm living in an alley, sneaking in the house in the middle of the night to get clean underwear.

I knew it.

I saw fresh wheel tracks on the rug.

Look, I know I said this before, but this time, I mean it.

This will not happen again.

It better not, because three strikes, you're out, buddy.

Does that work both ways?

Forget the strikes.

Just don't do it again.

- I promise.

- And I promise...

that if you come to me with something that you want, I will hear you out, even if it's stupid.

Well, I'm a guy.

Everything I want is stupid.

Well, everything except you.

I'm sorry for punishing you all week.

I guess I just... found it hard to forgive you for something you'd already done before.

Isn't that what marriage is...

Mistakes, apologies and what's for dinner?

What is for dinner?

How about we figure out breakfast first?

(chuckles)

I have an idea.

You drive us to Denny's while I brush my teeth.

And I'm paying 'cause I snuck in here last night

- and stole all your cash.

- I knew it!

♪♪ Mm.

Well, this is a living nightmare.

That was my first reaction, too, but the longer we have it, the more I love it.

You just like saying you have a second home.

I do.

It can be a beach house or a mountain chalet, as long as the roads leading to those places are wide enough.

Sorry, I still don't get it.

Check it out.

Everything in here turns into something else.

Mm.

Well, unless it turns into a room at the Four Seasons, mm-mmm.

I bet at the Four Seasons the table isn't also a bed.

Hmm.

Ow!

[gasps] Jill!

I'm so sorry.

Are you okay?

- It's bad, isn't it?

- Very bad.

Yes!

I get to see my dentist one last time!

[laughs]