01x05 - The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump

[bunniefuu]

Never mix tequila and scotch.

Morning, Uncle Charlie.

Hey, Jake boy.

Dad said you'd never get up to go to soccer with me but I said, yuh-huh, he promised.

So, he was wrong. Ha ha.

Yeah. Ha ha.

Wait. What?

Uh, you know, most of the parents wear shorts and lots of sun screen but that's another way to go.

Alan, I can't go to a soccer game.

I just got home from Vegas.

You went out last night to return a video.

Yeah, but I ran into a friend of mine who was getting married at the Bellagio.

That explains the tuxedo.

No, I think this was for something else entirely.

Well, I'm sure I'll read about it in the paper.

Anyway, I'm the soccer Snack Buddy this week so I got to stop at the grocery store.

Why don't you ride to the game with Jake when the van gets here, huh?

I've got a better idea.

Why don't I go upstairs and throw up and sleep in my clothes for 12 hours.

Fine. But if you're not going to come you got to tell Jake yourself.

Fine.

He'll understand.

Hey, Jake.

I got new cleats.

Nice.

Uh, listen, Jake, buddy... have you ever been to Vegas?

[EXCITED SHOUTING]

So you're the infamous Uncle Charlie.

I've heard about you.

♪ Men, men, men, men, manly men ♪

♪ Men... ♪

Everybody out!

Watch your head! One at a time!

[KIDS SHOUTING]

So, here's the deal, Uncle Charlie.

I find you attractive.

I have three kids, a bastard of an ex-husband, I work 50 hours a week running my own travel agency, I'm at the peak of my sexuality, and I have a three hour window Wednesday nights when the kids are at Tae Kwon Do.

Are you in or out?

I'm sorry.

I-I'm terminally hung over and I just took a cleat in the groin.

E-mail me.

All Aboard Gloria at AOL dot com.

[SHOUTING]

[WHISTLE BLOWING]

So, which one's yours?

Oh, please don't make me talk.

This is Charlie Harper. Alan Harper's brother.

[CROWS CHEERING AND WHISTLE BLOWING]

So, who's winning?

No one. We don't keep score.

We think it's healthier if the kids just play for fun.

You're yanking me, right?

Yes, Judith warned us that you were a p*stol.

By the way, we were so sorry to hear about her and Alan.

So tell us, is it true?

Did Judith leave your brother for another woman?

Why don't you ask Judith?

We wouldn't want to pry.

Ladies, if you'll excuse me, I have to go, 'cause... oh hell, I don't need a reason.

Well, somebody's a little full of himself.

Forget him. His brother's the one who's in play.

How's Jake doing?

Jake's fine. He's ten.

He's got his whole life ahead of him.

Me, on the other hand, I'm sitting in the hot sun in rented pants listening to myself blink.

I'll ask somebody else.

[CHUCKLING]

What?

Sorry, I couldn't help overhearing, and you just look so... pathetic.

Really? The guy at the tux shop said I looked dashing.

Of course, that was yesterday.

And I found his phone number in my pocket.

What was the occasion?

Just returning a video.

Charlie Harper.

Kate McLaughlin.

Let me ask you something, Kate McLaughlin.

What's your take on this whole no keeping score thing?

I think it's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

Can I stay here next to you where it's safe?

Sure.

So, which one's yours?

Number nine, but I'm not the father.

Well, aren't you a good sport.

Jake, for the last time, nobody got creamed.

No one won, no one lost.

Yeah, except for us. 12 to 2.

Hey, pal, it doesn't matter if you win or lose.

It's whether or not you beat the spread.

Thank you, Charlie.

Jake, go take a shower.

Charlie, we're trying to teach the kids not to keep score.

You should have thought of that before you taught them to count.

By the way, what are you doing with Jake tomorrow?

I don't know. Why?

I made a play date for him with one of the kids from the game.

You're hitting on the mother, aren't you?

Can't slip one past you, can I?

That's not what a play date is for.

What? The kid plays, I have a date.

Everybody wins.

Everybody wins?

Yes.

But I promise not to keep score.

Charlie, you can not use my son to pick up single mothers.

Ah, but I can.

Good night, Snack Buddy.

No going in the water, no throwing rocks, and remember, if you can't see us, we can't see you.

Is there anything you'd like to add, Charlie?

Why can't they throw rocks?

Go.

Ernie loves the beach.

Thanks for inviting him.

Hey, anything for the kids.

They're our future.

So, where's Alan?

I sent him to the movies.

He deserves a break now and then, and I get some quality uncle time with Jake.

I think that is really nice of...

Ernie, keep your socks with your shoes!

I'm sorry, where was I?

You were saying I was nice about something.

So, how long you been living in Sherman Oaks?

Oh, gosh, we moved there in...

Ernie, put that down, it's dead.

I swear, that kid will pick up anything, no matter what it looks like.

Been there.

Anyway, we moved in just in time for the earthquake...

Ernie, I'm not going to say it again, put the dead thing down!

Jake, you should probably put your dead thing down, too.

Kids, huh?

I know, they're just...

Ernie, put it down or we're leaving right now.

I'm counting to three.

One... two...

Ernie, for God's sake, you're k*lling me here.

Thank you.

No problem.

So, did you grow up in L.A.?

No. My dad was in the army so we moved around...

Oh, hell, that thing's not dead.

Charlie, I would really like to get to know you but it is not going to happen on a play date.

Why don't you ask me out some time?

You know that's a real...

[ERNIE CRYING]

Are you happy?! Are you happy?!

You had to pick it up again.

Had to pick it up, didn't you.

I told you to put it down, Ernie.

So what night's good for you?

Jake, don't pick it up.

You saw what it did to Ernie.

Don't wait up.

Back to Vegas?

Even better. Sherman Oaks.

The gateway to Van Nuys.

Kate again?

Charlie, you have no clue what you're getting involved in with these divorced soccer moms.

You're right, I don't have a clue.

I've never had a clue. It's part of my charm.

Well, at least keep in mind that all these women talk to each other.

So anything you do will eventually get back to my wife and somehow become my fault.

That doesn't seem fair.

Oh, well.

So, where are you going?

I volunteered to help Gloria with the soccer league newsletter.

I'm thinking of calling it "Just For Kicks."

Wait a minute, this is the same Gloria who drives the kid van?

Yeah. Why?

Nothing. Have fun.

Talk about not having a clue.

And I designed a logo.

The "K" in Kicks has a little foot.

GLORIA: Sounds wonderful.

I can't thank you enough for taking the time to do this.

Oh, you know, anything for the kids.

You're such a good father.

It's a shame that Judith didn't appreciate you.

Well, you know, she just needed a little time to sort things out, but... yeah, it's a shame.

Look at you...

A successful chiropractor, intelligent, dedicated.

Aw, you're embarrassing me.

[CHUCKLING]

I'm sorry.

Let's get back to your... little logo.

Ow.

What's wrong?

Hmm? Oh, nothing.

It's my neck. I must have slept wrong.

Why don't you make an appointment with my office and we'll see if we can't fix that?

No, no, I'd feel funny.

We know each other.

Don't be silly. It's what I do.

Turn around, turn around.

Go ahead.

Are you getting enough calcium?

I guess.

It's really important for a woman your age.

Osteoporosis is a real problem.

Curvature of the spine.

Last thing you want is to wind up with a hump.

Knockee, knockee.

Well, I hope you didn't start without me.

BILL: What are you talking about?

KATE: Bill, you did this on purpose.

You showed late just so you could snoop on me.

Hey, you got to meet my girlfriend.

What meet? She was our baby-sitter.

Will you get out of here, Bill?

Kate, I'm trying.

Ernie, would you put your shoes on?

Hey.

Hey.

Bill.

Charlie.

That your Jag?

Yeah.

It's nice.

I got the Navigator over there.

That's nice, too.

Let's go, Dad.

Well, all right, then.

You try and make her happy.

...truthfully, I think that my ex was intimidated by my sexual...

I don't even know how to say it... appetite.

Huh.

So we're agreed we'll set aside six inches for the editorial column?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Yes. Six inches.

I don't know how I got so off-topic.

I know exactly how you got off-topic.

Okay. I think the next piece of business is to decide on the paper color.

I brought some samples.

We've got goldenrod, salmon, mustard...

You had me at goldenrod.

Everybody has you at goldenrod.

My brother Alan warned me not to go out with you tonight.

That's funny.

Everybody warned me not to go out with you.

Hey, it worked for Romeo and Juliet.

Well, up until the poison and the stabbing.

Charlie, I have a confession.

I haven't been out with a man other than my husband in 12 years.

Oh, that's not a problem.

A couple of things have changed, but I can bring you up to date.

Please do. All right, well...

Nowadays women pay for dinner.

And, of course, sex is a given.

I'll tell you one thing, I am not paying for dinner.

Rats.

Well, look at the time.

Maybe we should get going, give Gloria a chance for a little quiet time before her many, many kids come home.

I don't need any quiet time.

Don't be silly.

Alan, would you mind driving me home?

I'm feeling a little tipsy.

A little tipsy?

How about a little obvious?

I'm sorry?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

You know, it is getting a little late.

Sit down.

We'll be right back.

I think she's going through the change.

What do you think you're doing?

BROOKE: What? He's in play, I'm playing.

GLORIA: I'm the one who told you he's in play.

Oh, please. I told you two years ago that marriage was toast.

So what?

He's in my house on Tae Kwon Do Wednesday and I don't have time to mess around with you.

Look, why don't we just let him decide?

Let him decide?

He still thinks we're doing a soccer newsletter.

You don't even like him, do you?

He's okay.

He's here and it's Wednesday.

Well, I happen to think he's hot.

You wouldn't even know what to do with a hot guy.

Oh, yeah? Watch me.

Great, you broke him.

The biggest surprise was how much I love having him around.

I mean, Jake's amazing.

Do you know I have on occasion actually put his needs ahead of my own?

Like going to a soccer game at 8:00 a.m. on a Saturday?

Yes.

At 8:00 a.m. I can barely get out of bed to go to the bathroom.

So what you're saying is having a child in your life totally changes the way that you look at things.

Exactly.

Of course you probably know that already.

Yeah.

But I like that you know it.

I had a really great time.

Me, too.

Can we do this again?

I would love that.

Great.

Whoa.

[CRIES]

What happened?

Did I do something wrong?

Please don't tell Alan's wife.

No, you didn't do anything wrong.

I really like you.

Okay, this is new for me.

It's just...

Charlie, I have a ten-year-old son.

I have two mortgages, private school bills, a full-time job, custody battles, alimony battles, child support battles, carpools and drum lessons.

How can we possibly do this again?

You bought a ten-year-old a drum set?

Don't change the subject, you know what I'm saying.

I mean, do you really want to be involved in this?

I hadn't really thought that far ahead.

Exactly.

All right, well, I guess I'll see you around.

Where are you going?

Home?

Why?

I mean, I said we couldn't do it again.

That doesn't mean we can't do it tonight.

Boy, you really don't have a clue, do you, Charlie?

No.

But it seems to be working for me.

Morning.

Hey.

Regular or decaf?

Regular.

Thank God.

Aren't you even curious?

You went to Gloria's last night.

Yeah.

I can fill in the blanks.

Man, we're getting k*lled.

Hey, we're here for fun, right?

Nobody wins or loses.

Oh, come on.

Somebody always loses.

Who are we kidding?

It's eight to one out there and everybody here knows it.

And you know I'll tell you another thing.

We haven't won a game all season and I'm putting that in the newsletter.

And as God is my witness, there will be a newsletter.

Dad, you're kind of freaking everybody out here.

Forget it, Jake.

It's Sherman Oaks.