01x11 - Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor

[bunniefuu]

Okay, after I get the tickets, you line up for the popcorn while I nail down some good seats.

Oh, I-I want butter in the middle.

Don't just let 'em squirt it on the top.

Ooh, ooh, a-and a large cherry Slurpee... and then you hold the seats while I go to the men's room, and then I'll do the same for you, and that way we can enjoy our drinks during the movie without fear.

Gotcha.

You're not going to do any of that, are you?

Nope.

So-so you want to go in there with no coordination, no-no strategy, just, uh, winging it?

That's what I'm thinkin'.

I have no faith in this at all.

Now for her I'd stand in line for a butter squirt.

Yeah, she is a hottie.

Hey, that's no hottie.

That's your ex-wife.

Judith?

Alan?

Sorry about the squirt thing.

Wow.

Look at you.

New-new hair, clothes.

You look...

Wow.

Thank you.

No, no, thank you.

It's a public service when a gay chick goes lipstick instead of lumberjack.

So, uh, how was the, uh, movie?

Where-where's Jake?

Um, home with a baby-sitter.

Alan, I'm kind of on a date.

Oh, oh, okay.

Oh, uh, is that her?

Hi, nice to meet you.

Uh, I'm-I'm the ex.

Alan, that's not my date.

Hey, Alan.

Uh, Phil!

Yeah, what a coincidence.

Uh, uh, Phil is Jake's soccer coach.

Uh, Phil, you remember Judith.

Well, yeah, I-I...

One Mississippi...

Alan...

What? Two Mississippi...

Oh, my... God!

Okay, we're all caught up.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, you're dating Phil?

How-how can you be dating Phil?

Well, Alan, he asked me out...

What about the whole gay thing?

Did you even give that a chance?

Phil, we'd better go.

Hey, I-look, Alan, I-I-I hope this doesn't affect our friendship.

Oh, no, call me. We'll hang out.

Great. Well, hey, how's Tuesday?

Tuesday's good.

Judith, how's Tuesday for you?

Just walk away.

I know you built your sun deck without a permit, and I am calling it in.

Alan, chill.

Two-faced, wife-poaching, soccer-coaching rat bastard!

Come on. Let it go.

I'll treat you to a cherry Slurpee.

I don't want a cherry Slurpee.

You sure? 'Cause I think Phil's going to get one.

She's-she's straight. She's gay. She's straight again...

Place your bets. Where she lands, nobody knows.

Alan, it's no big deal.

Women get to experiment with their sexuality.

It's only guys who have to make a choice and stick to it.

Where do you get this stuff?

I make it up.

Anyway, it doesn't matter what Judith is.

It only matters what she's not.

And what is she not, Charlie?

She is not coming back to you, pal.

Thank you for your sensitivity.

All I'm saying is that Judith has moved on with her life, and maybe it's time for you to do the same.

I know, I know, it's just... I can't.

Sure, you can, and I'll help you.

How?

I don't know... by saying things like, "Sure you can" and "I'll help you."

Great. Thanks.

Look, this isn't just about you, you know.

All this wallowing in the past is causing other people to suffer.

You mean Jake.

I mean me.

You are really starting to piss me off.

Okay, that's enough help for now.

I'm just saying maybe it's time You're right, you're right. I-I-I know you're right.

Forget Judith.

There's a whole world out there that... you haven't pissed off yet.

There is no reason I-I couldn't find happiness with someone else.

There you go.

This could be the beginning of the rest of my life.

Bit of a bumper sticker, but sure, why not?

In fact, for the first time since college, I-I can go after any woman I want.

Heck, I could take a page from your book and date 'em two, three at a time.

Yeah, right.

I mean, yeah, right!

You know what?

I'm going to start right now.

I am going to die alone.

No, no... you just don't know how to sell yourself.

Give me a minute.

So?

If it was up to them, you'd die alone.

Great.

Okay, here's the thing.

If you really want to play in this league, you're going to have to make a few changes.

Like what?

Hang on.

[LAUGHING]

Pretty much everything.

Everything? Yup.

The hair, the clothes, the fuddy-duddy personality...

What do they know about my personality?

Okay, that part's mine.

Face it, Alan, you've been an old fart since you were 14.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means how many eighth graders carry a-a briefcase and a pocketwatch?

That was the Esperanto Club look.

Okay, well, unless you know you're going to need to shake things up a little.

Really? And-and how do I go about shaking things up?

Hang on.

[LAUGHING]

This one might take a while. Don't wait up.

Hey, guess what?

Coach Phil made me first string on the soccer team.

Is that so?

Yeah, it's weird, 'cause I suck.

Well, maybe Coach Phil sees some potential.

So, uh, what else is new?

Mom's got new clothes and new hair.

It's like she's a different person or something.

But she's still the same person, Jake.

No, not really.

She walks around the house singing all the time.

She just sings for no reason?

I guess.

I wonder if it's the same reason I sing for no reason.

Does Coach Phil sing for no reason?

For God's sake, Charlie.

How come you haven't changed anything yet, Dad?

Why should I change?

So you'd look cool like Mom.

You don't think I look cool now?

No.

Well, you know what? It doesn't matter if I look cool.

We judge a person by what-/////! s inside them, not by what they wear.

Lucky for you, huh?

Yeah, lucky.

I'm done. Can I go watch TV?

Sure.

Help me, Charlie. I want to sing for no reason.

Get your jacket. It's time to go.

I don't want to go. I hate clothes shopping.

You can't stay here alone.

Why not?

You know why not.

But I don't have a turtle to put in the microwave anymore.

Get your jacket.

Fine, I'll put on my stupid jacket and we'll get in the stupid car, and we'll go stupid clothes shopping.

Hey, don't talk to your stupid father like that.

So, are you ready for your big makeover?

You know what?

Actually, I am.

I-I-I was up all night thinking about it.

All night?

Maybe your money's better spent on a hooker.

No, no, listen, um, I was in the bathroom, uh, looking at myself in the mirror when I noticed...

And I think I can be completely objective about this...

That, uh, I have a-a very nice ass for a guy my age, and I-I-I think I should start dressing in such a way as to, uh, play that card... you know... for the ladies.

[DOORBELL RINGS] I'll get that. Yeah.

Am I lying?

Hi, Mom.

Oh, good, you remember me.

Hello, Charlie.

Hey. Mom, right?

Very cute. I was in the neighborhood.

I thought I'd stop by.

Oh, gee, I'm sorry, Mom, but we were just leaving.

[SCOFFS]: It never fails, does it?

Whenever I would like to spend some quality time with my grandson, there's always something more important going on.

It's not fair, you know.

I'm not the one getting clothes, so why do I have to go and be bored?

You don't. You can stay here with Grandma.

What? What?

Have fun.

Wait, no, I'll be good, I swear.

Payback's a bitch, buddy.

This department looks nice.

You're sure?

Because this is the top floor.

There's no more clothes above this floor.

No, I have a good feeling about this floor.

Great.

How about this shirt?

Oh, no, I don't think so.

Okay.

How about this?

No.

Good.

This one?

Hmm... no.

This? No.

This? No.

This? No.

Tell you what.

Why don't you pick something?

I thought you were going to help me.

Pick... something.

Okay.

Flying solo, huh?

This is something I can see myself in.

You like this?

Yeah.

Let me see it.

[TV PLAYING LOUDLY]

Oh, please, if she has one more facelift, she'll be wearing her ass as a hat.

Jake... Jake...

Honey, turn the TV down.

Grandmommy's on the telephone.

[LOWERS VOLUME]

I'm sorry. What?

No. No, I'm just spending a little quality time with my grandson.

Oh, he's an amazing boy.

We're very close.

Like two peas in a pod.

What?

Uh, uh, hold on.

Jake, how old are you?

Ten.

Seven.

I said ten.

[WHISPERS]: If I'm 55, you're seven.

He's an adorable boy, and he just loves me so much.

Oh, Jake, Jake, tell my friend, Cheryl, how much you love Grandmommy.

Go on, darling.

I'm ten.

How's it going in there?

ALAN: Whatever happened to zippers?

I miss zippers.

I don't know, Alan, maybe there were too many injuries.

Nobody ever got their balls caught in a buttonhole.

Come on, let's see.

I'm just not sure about this.

Alan, we're never going to find the right look for you unless we experiment.

Now let's see.

I'm not happy with visible nipples.

Yeah, that's what's wrong with it.

That's it.

We need a gay guy.

His name is SpongeBob SquarePants, and his friend's name is Patrick.

He's a starfish and he lives on the same street as SpongeBob, and he's unbelievably dumb.

Squidward lives there, too.

Of course he's a squid, and he hates SpongeBob.

And he plays the clarinet.

Both Squidward and SpongeBob work at the Krusty Krab for Mr. Krabs, who's really cheap but SpongeBob doesn't care because he just likes being a fry cook and making Krabby Patties.

So... so, bottom line... he's a sponge.

Yeah.

His pants are square 'cause he's square, and so is his underwear.

They're tighty-whiteys, but they're square.

[SOTTO VOCE]: Oh, dear God.

And he has a pet snail named Gary...

MAN: Okay, relax the shoulders.

Good.

The style suits you.

The pants hang beautifully.

Oh, dear.

What?

You're not going to be wearing those shoes, are you?

Say no.

No.

Could you show us some shoes that will go with this?

I'm sorry. I don't actually work here.

I came in for a belt.

Okay.

We've got an outfit.

Let's go find some shoes.

No, Charlie, I'm done.

I can't do this anymore.

Don't worry.

I'm sure there'll be a gay guy in the shoe department.

No, I changed my mind.

I don't want new clothes.

What are you talking about?

You look great. That guy said you look stunning.

He said "fabulous," but that's not the point.

This is not who I am.

Yeah, but who you are couldn't get laid under water with a tankful of oxygen.

Forget it. Let's just go home.

Wait a second.

I spend all day schlepping from store to store with you, listening to you whine, and now that we finally found something that works, you want to bail?

I'm just don't feel comfortable in this stuff.

I knew it.

I knew you'd chicken out.

Chicken out? I'm not even going to dignify that with a response.

At least your wife had the guts to try something new.

Don't go there, Charlie.

I mean the soccer coach is kind of a sideways move, but you gotta admire the effort.

Fine, fine.

I will buy the stupid clothes.

But I'm never, ever going to do this with you again.

Promise?

I just hope he's worth all the drama.

Hello?

Mom? Jake?

JAKE: In here.

Hello?

Hey, Dad. Hi, Alan.

Rose, what are you doing here?

Baby-sitting.

Where's my mother?

She left.

Why?

I don't know.

We were watching SpongeBob SquarePants and she stood up and said life was too short.

Luckily, I happened to be out on the deck, not doing anything, just passing by, and she asked me to baby-sit.

Whoa, Dad, you look cool.

Really?

You think?

Oh, yeah.

Very sexy.

Huh.

So where is Charlie?

Oh, uh, he dropped me off.

We had a little disagreement.

Was it about those dorky shoes?

Hi.

Hi.

Mind if I join you?

Might as well.

You're gonna have to drive me home.

Listen, I just wanted to say that, uh, I know you were just trying to help, and I appreciate it.

Thanks.

I just got a little panicky.

Change is not easy for me, Charlie.

Really? I hadn't noticed.

And I'm not just talking about the clothes.

The clothes are only the tip of the iceberg.

Only the tip of the iceberg?

Leanne, I'm gonna need another shot here.

Continue.

Well, yeah, it's like, I was married a long time, Charlie.

It's... it's who I was.

It was my identity.

Married Guy, Husband-Man, Captain Dependable.

And I had a uniform.

And, I don't know, I guess I just didn't want to take it off.

'Cause you'd lose your powers of dependability?

So, Charlie, who's your friend?

My brother, Alan.

Hi, Alan. I'm Leanne.

It's nice to meet you.

Uh, I've actually met you a bunch of times.

[LAUGHS]: Oh, no, I'd remember you.

Uh, I come in here with Charlie all the time.

I always order a rum and diet Coke?

Oh, right.

So, Alan, the usual?

Uh, no.

Today, let's try something different.

Uh, Charlie, what are you having?

Tequila sh**t with a beer back.

Great!

I will have a rum and diet Coke.

Was she flirting with me?

I think she was flirting with me.

I think there was definitely a connection.

Alan, you do understand she works for tips?

Rum and diet Coke, please?

Here.

Did you see that?

What do you expect?

You bought a sport jacket, not a magic lamp.

♪ Men.

[WATER RUNNING]

Hello.

I didn't see you back there.

Oh, yeah.

I am ready for my closeup, Mr. DeMille.