07x02 - Krazy Kripples

[bunniefuu]

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!"

Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

Ladies and gentlemen, give it up for Jimmy!

Thank you! Wow. What a terrific audience.

I know what most of you are thinking.

"Hey, that guy stole my shoes."

Wow. What a great audience.

And how about this Michael Jackson guy, huh?

I mean, come on.

What a great audience.

Uh... I-lights, please?

Hey, Jimmy.

Butters, w-where is everybody?

Oh, yeah. Well, about that.

Christopher Reeve came to town to do some kind of show, and everyone went to see him.

Christopher Reeve? Christopher Reeve?!

You know, Christopher Reeve, the guy who played Superman.

I know who he is!

But why is everyone ditching my comedy show to see him?!

W-Well, because he got crippled, but now he can move his finger.

He is an inspiration to us all.

That's why everyone ditched on your show.

So then how come you came?

Well, because I said I would.

Oh, I'm a dork, huh?

And so without further ado, here's the most courageous, most amazing man on the planet, Christopher Reeve.

Thank you. Thank you. Wow. What a great audience.

I just flew into South Park.

Used to be I didn't need an airplane.

As most of you know...

I am a strong supporter of stem-cell research.

Say, fellas! Thanks a lot for going to my c-comedy show!

We didn't go to your comedy show.

I know that! I was being f-f-f-facetious!

Well, dude. Christopher Reeve, dude.

Ooh! Christopher Reeve! Whoop-de-freakin'-do!

Dude, that's not cool.

You shouldn't make fun of Christopher Reeve.

Yeah, dude, not cool.

Though it is controversial...

...stem-cell research is critical...

...in the quest for helping...

...the disabled.

I put together a comedy show, and I was crippled from birth!

Uh, whoo. Guys, I think we'd better stay out of this one.

Yeah, this is starting to look like something we shouldn't be any part of.

Let's go play with trucks or something.

Can you believe this ass wipe, Timmy?

Timmy!

Why is a celebrity who became crippled more important than us that were born that way, very much?

Ugh, Timmy!

In the coming days...

I will prove to the world... that stem-cell research is a miracle.

Beep, beep, beep. Move it, Kenny! Beep.

Hey, there, fellas. Oh, hey, Jimmy, hey, Timmy.

Timmy!

Say, would you guys like to join our club?

Oh, I'm sorry. You can't.

You aren't crippled.

What?

To be in our club, not only do you have to be c-crippled, but you have to have been born that way.

You know what that means?

No butthole Superman ass wipe Christopher Reeve.

That's nice, guys. We're just gonna stay out of this one.

Hey, wait a minute!

You guys can't just start a club and tell me I can't be in it!

Sorry, able-body. You can't join.

Can too!

Hey, Timmy, how many able-bodied people does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One.

You know what you call an able-bodied guy on the doorstep?

Whatever his name is.

Oh, God damn it!

Cartman, just stay out of it.

But they say I can't be in their club!

Cartman, trust me. We don't want any part in this one.

Hello, Mr. McGillic... Mr. McGillicuddy.

Hello, boys. What can I do for you?

Timmy and I made a T-shirt design for our new club.

We just came up with a name this morning.

Uh, boys, I don't think you want to wear these shirts.

Why not?

Well, because there already is a group that calls themselves The Crips, and I don't think they'd like it too much.

There's already a Crips?!

Well, sure, they're all over Five Points area in Denver.

You've never heard of them?

No, we never have.

Are they crippled from birth, or are they cr*pple wannabes like Christopher Reeve?

I am staying out of this one.

Can you believe it, Timmy?

There was a group for truly crippled people like ourselves, and we didn't know it.

Timmy!

Come on. We got to take the bus to Five Points in Denver.

My guest tonight is the brilliant star of stage and screen, Mr. Christopher Reeve, who, with the help of stem-cell research, is now able to move his arms.

Thanks for having me on again, Larry.

All right, Chris. The whole world is waiting.

Why don't you show us what stem- cell research has done for you?

Amazing. Isn't that amazing, folks?

Now, Chris, there are some people who say stem-cell research is wrong, that taking cells from a fetus is unethical.

Well, it just proves that the public needs to be educated...

...about stem-cell research.

See, the stem cells from a fetus, like this one, can form into whatever cells of the body are damaged.

They are the most powerful thing on the planet.

And how does someone like yourself make use of the stem cells, Chris?

Well, it's very simple.

And now you can see my arms have better movement.

Excuse me, sir.

We're looking for a group of people called the Crips.

You are?

Do you know where they meet?

We've already tried the rec center and the library.

The Crips hang out in that old warehouse down there, but nobody goes in there.

Oh, it's okay. We're Crips ourselves.

Come on, Tim-Tim. Timmy!

Well, hello, everyone.

I'm Jim Swanson, and this is my friend Timmy.

Timmy!

T-T-Timmy.

Well, let us tell you a little bit about ourselves.

Timmy and I are both true Crips, born and raised.

We're the only Crips in South Park, where we live, and we would love to join your fa-fa-fantastic Denver chapter.

Is they for real, man?

We just have one question before we join your c-club.

Do you think it's better to be born a Crip or to become a Crip later by accident?

The only real Crips is born Crips, dog.

Yeah, you can't become a Crip by accident, fool.

I agree. I mean, it's like, come on!

Why do these people who become Crips later in life think they're such great p-potatoes?

Timmy!

Well, we're glad you see it our way, fellas.

So, can we join your g-group?

A'ight, you want to thug with the Five Point Crips?

b*tches, all you got to do is pop some punk-ass Bloods.

Well, sure.

Tim and I would love to pop some p-punk-ass Bloods.

We're terrific at it.

Timmy?

I don't know, Timmy. Just play along.

Uh, T-Timmy!

So you saying you're down?

Down like a clown, Charlie Br...

Down like a clown, Charlie B-Brow...

Down like a clown, Charlie Bah... Bah...

Down like a clown, Charlie B-Brown.

Kickin' it with a n*gga while I have his wife for dinner.

Now the silly n*gga wants to fly.

Buster But fightin' is for chumps.

Didn't you know?

In the 9 Joe, it's all about the 4-4.

And can't stop it when bad apples in the bunch.

Say, Timmy, did you notice that all the crippled people in that club are negroes?

Timmy!

That's an amazing coincidence.

I mean, there's not one crippled colored person in South P-Park.

Hey, you kids.

Well, hello, officers.

What the hell do you think you're doing?

We're going to pop some punk-ass B-Bloods.

Timmy!

Stop it, dog, with just one punch.

When n*gg*s got funk.

Look, Timmy. There's a convenience store.

That must be what the fellas meant by pop some punk-ass Bloods.

They want us to get them some soda pop and treats.

Timmy.

Let's buy them ginger ale and marshmallows.

Then they'll let us in the club for sure.

Oh sh*t!

S-S-S-S-Sunday driver!

Yo, yo, listen up y'all.

Let me tell you about my little G's, Roller and Four Legs here.

They just smoked 13 Bloods in one night.

That ain't never been done before.

And they got us marshmallows and ginger ale.

That's right.

So does that mean we can join the c-club?

You're not just in, you're the baddest mofo Crips in town.

Cipac, turn up the b*at so we can celebrate our new G's Five Points style!

A'ight.

These guys really a re crippled.

Timmy, I have a feeling this is the start of something w-w-w-w-wonderful.

Timmy!

Thanks for the ride home, fellas.

We sure had a terrific time.

All right. Keep it real, though, dog.

You dogs keep it real, too.

'Cause some got the funk for the funk of it.

Just want to funk with it.

But I'm the wrong one to funk with.

Timmy!

Well, that sure was a terrific time.

Let's go all around tomorrow and show everyone our new outfits, Timmy.

Timmy!

There you are, Jimmy!

What up, Mazie? Y-Yo, Pops.

Jimmy, your mother was getting worried about you.

No need to worry about me.

I'm cool like a fool in a swimming p-p-p-pool.

Tom, I'm standing out front of the stem-cell research facility with terrific news.

Christopher Reeve, who was once paralyzed, claims that he can now stand.

Thank you, everyone.

To most people, this is just an ordinary fetus.

But to people like me, it's hope.

Oh, my God! What an inspiration.

Tom, many celebrities have spoken out in protest of stem-cell research, but after seeing this, how can they protest now?

Stay clear, guys. Stay clear.

Yep. I'm not seeing anything.

Hey.

Hey, I no want no trouble!

Hello. We'd like two orders of kung p-pao chicken, please.

I don't want no trouble!

You just take what you want and leave!

Timmy!

Oh! Okay, okay! I opening register.

Timmy. What's that?

Oh, and one medium lemonade, please.

Timmy.

Here! Here 112 dollar! It's all I have! Take!

You take! 112 dollar!

A-Are you sure?

I no want no trouble. Just take it and leave!

Well, gee, that's really nice of you, Mr. Chinese person.

Look, Tim-Tim. We got a cash prize.

We must be the 100th customer or something.

Here! Here two order of kung pao chicken and small ice tea!

Actually, it was a regular lemonade.

I sorry!

I sorry! I no want no trouble.

Here. Lemonade.

Now go! Just go!

Gee, thanks a lot. See you next time.

Timmy!

Hello, police? I've just been robbed by two g*ng members!

Jimmy? Jimmy, could you come into the kitchen, please?

Yo, Mamsie. What's up, Pops?

H-Have a seat, Jim.

Your mother and I need to talk to you.

Son, your mother and I have noticed a change in your behavior.

And we're worried that you might be involved in a g*ng.

A what? Oh, you mean the fellas.

Well, sure, but I can't talk about the club on account of it's s-super secret, dog.

Then it's true! Oh, Ryan, it's true!

Why you be tripping, Mom?

I mean, come on. I'm finally a part of something, very much.

Jimmy, those people you're hanging out with are no good.

Yo, don't be dissing my n*gg*s, dog.

They're my f-friends.

And what about your stand-up comedy, Jim, huh?

Are you just giving up on that, too?

Nobody cared about my stand-up comedy!

All that hard work just to be outshined by C-Christopher Reeve the super butthole!

Jimmy, we've told you before.

God made you the way he did for a reason.

Right, because you and Mom used to make fun of crippled kids in high school.

That's right... You were sent here through the vengeful and angry hand of God to teach your mother and I a lesson.

And that's a big responsibility, Son.

Look, my g*ng, which I can't talk about because it's super secret, is the most important thing to me now.

And if you two don't like it, you can just pass the blunt to the n*gga on your left.

Where's that delivery of new fetuses?

Feeling weak again.

Here's the new shipment, sir.

Hey!

Hello there, Christopher.

Well, well, Gene Hackman, my old nemesis from the movies.

How are you?

I'm good. And you?

I am better with each passing day; Stronger and more agile.

Christopher, I've come to ask you to stop what you're doing.

What?

Using stem cells is like playing god.

You should leave nature alone.

And go back to the way I was?

Is that what you're saying, Hackman?

I'm saying that sometimes you need to just live with the cards you're dealt, Christopher.

Stop calling me Christopher!

That name no longer has meaning to me!

Christopher was someone who lived in a wheelchair, always being pushed around by others!

The old Christopher Reeve is dead!

From now on, I am...

Chris!

65 b-bottles of beer on the wall

65...

Payback time, m*therf*cker!

J-Jesus Christ!

Holy g-guacamole!

Freakin' frijoles!

Leapin' I-langosta.

East Side Bloods!

We're Detectives Hyde and Richardson, from the Special g*ng Unit in Denver.

Any word on who sh*t up me and Timmy's houses, officers?

Word on the street is it was a retaliation hit by the Bloods.

The B-Bloods?

You know, smart-mouth... Your rival g*ng.

The Bloods are at w*r with the Crips.

They k*ll each other all the time.

T-They do?

Don't act like you don't know, you little punk!

The Crips and Bloods hate each other, and if you stay in that g*ng, you're gonna end up dead, too.

But... But why do they hate each other?

Look, kid, I used to be a Crip myself, but I'm not anymore.

Oh, so you used s-stem cells like Christopher Reeve?

Come on.

The only way these kids are gonna get out of their g*ng is to get k*lled.

Sarah!

Oh, boy, Timmy.

We should have never started a g*ng for people crippled from birth.

Now they're at w*r with the people who were crippled in an accident.

Boy, were we wrong. Timmy.

Wow. W-We've got to do something, Timmy.

We've got to get the Crips and Bloods to s-stop fighting.

I bet if we could just get them together.

But how?

W-Wait a minute! I've got it! A lock-in at the rec center!

We did it for our church once.

All we do is rent out the rec center overnight.

They lock the doors so nobody can leave, and everyone has the whole night to play in the swimming pool and laugh and talk.

Timmy!

You get all the Crips you can to the rec center tomorrow night, Timmy.

I'll try to get all the B-Bloods there.

Timmy! This is gonna be t-terrific!

Tom, several years ago, actor Christopher Reeve had a horrible accident and was paralyzed.

The irony, of course, was that the man who played Superman could no longer walk.

America watched in wonder as he managed to move one of his fingers, then his arms.

And now, seen for the first time on HBC, Christopher Reeve is going to lift a truck up over his head.

Oh, what a fighter. That brave, brave man.

He's an inspiration to us all.

Tom, the irony is even more irony-y, as it appears that the stem cells have given Christopher Reeve almost superhuman strength.

Chris, that's enough.

Hello, Gene. So good to see you.

You're cured, Chris.

It's time to stop using stem cells.

Stem-cell research has made me stronger than I ever thought possible!

Why stop now?

Uh, Tom, apparently Gene Hackman, the man who played Superman's enemy Lex Luthor in the movies, has now shown up as a celebrity protester of stem-cell research.

If that isn't ironic, Tom, I don't know what is.

They're affecting your mind, Chris.

If you won't stop using stem cells, then we'll stop you.

Stop me? Stop me? Ha!

You won't stop me, Hack Man!

Tom, if irony were made of strawberries, we'd all be drinking a lot of smoothies right now.

Come on in, everybody.

Lots of s-surprises and t-treats inside.

Great to see you all. What a terrific audience.

You sure you got everything you need, young man?

We sure do. Thanks, Mr. Appleb... by.

Just remember to make sure the kids play safe in the pool area.

You bet.

I'll be back at 7:00 to let you out.

You kids have a good time.

Oh, we will.

The Bloods! Oh sh*t! It's a trap!

Motherfuckin' Crips trying to smoke us all out!

What the hell is going on here?

It's called a lock-in at the rec center.

We can use all the rec-center facilities.

We can play b-basketball, go swimming, or just kick it in the lounge area with some games and p-puzzles.

Timmy!

But nobody can leave until 7:00 a.m., so if you want to have a good time, you're all just gonna have to learn to get along.

There's pizza.

Tom, over five years ago, doctors told actor Christopher Reeve that he would never walk again.

But the resilient actor fought back, struggled against all odds, and has now built his very own legion of doom!

The once immobile Mr. Reeve says his new organization will be committed to world domination and evil.

What an inspirational story, Tom.

I have chosen each member of this elite group of supervillains for their outstanding treachery, their desire for world conquest, and their hatred of all things good!

And I've assembled this group for one purpose...

To once and for all find a way to... get rid of Hack Man!

Uh, how about domination of the world?

Yeah, or, uh, death to the infidels?

Silence!

Our job is to see to it that Hack Man is put out of commission.

Oh, boy, General Disarray.

Maybe we just ought to stay out of this one.

Not so fast, Chris!

Hack Man!

We just helped pass a ban on stem-cell research.

Your fetus-sucking days are over.

No. No!

And now we're going to put you somewhere where you can never touch another fetus again.

You stupid mofos are dead! Make the first sh*t, punk!

Hold it! Don't you see?

It doesn't matter if we were crippled from birth or crippled in an accident.

We're all brothers.

Save it, fool! Crips ain't our brothers!

Look, we have the whole rec center to ourselves.

Can't we all just try having some fun together?

You talking crazy, dog.

Yeah. We ain't playing, sucker!

Why don't we at least give it a chance?

I mean, come on.

Wait a minute. What did you say?

I said, "I mean, come on."

You know, maybe he's right.

I mean, come on.

Come on.

I guess we could at least give having fun together a try.

It's like, come on.

Yeah. Come on.

Yeah, that's right. Come on.

Come on. Come on.

Yeah, come on. That's right. Come on.

P's and Q's are important to avoid a squabble.

They break you off something, break them something harder.

Make sure they ass understand how you coming from, respect.

Got to give you two dogs props for putting an end to all this hate.

I told you... Lock-in at the rec center always works.

And, you know, I've learned something, too.

I was player-hating C-Christopher butthole Reeve because he got more attention than me.

But just like y-you guys, I need to learn to control my a-anger.

Right on!

Hey, little Roller, try some of this chronic sh*t.

Timmy!

Well, I guess we all learned that trying to get along is way better than p-p-player hating.

The g*ng wrote a song about it. Why don't we listen in?

Used to be Crips and Bloods didn't get along.

But now we're all a family, so we wrote this song.

Na na na, Crips and Bloods.

Na na na, hope and love.

Na na na, friendly thugs.

You haven't seen the last of me, Hack Man!

I will be ba-a-a-ck!

Dude, I am so glad we stayed out of that one.

Me too.