07x04 - I'm a Little Bit Country

[bunniefuu]

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!"

Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

Okay, children, let's take our seats.

Did you take attendance, Mr. sl*ve?

All donesy-wonesy.

Okay, let's all take out our math homework and go over the problems.

Math homework. Math homework.

Where did I file that?

Oh, and by the way, children, there's a walkout scheduled today to protest the w*r in Iraq.

So if you're against the w*r, run along outside.

And if you're for the w*r, stay here and we'll do math problems.

We got out of school.

No more school today.

What should we do? Let's go see a movie!

No w*r! No w*r!

No w*r! No w*r!

No w*r! No w*r!

No w*r! No w*r! No w*r!

No w*r, m'kay!

No w*r, m'kay!

Oh, uh, here you go, boys. These will help you protest.

It's good to see that you care about peace, boys, m'kay.

No w*r, m'kay!

Excuse me, boys. Tom Statsel, HBC News.

Can you tell me why you kids marched out of school today?

Uh... w*r?

Right. What about the w*r?

I-It's... It's gay?

Uh-huh, and what aspect of it do you think is most gay?

Uh, no blood for oil!

Yeah, w*r is not my voice.

Bush is a nay-zee.

Hey, all you un-American bastards!

If you don't like America, why don't you get out?

Yeah!

Don't you call us un-American!

This country was founded on the right to protest, m'kay!

Yeah!

If the founding fathers saw you burning your flag and calling the president a n*zi, they'd roll over in their graves!

Yeah!

The founding fathers would agree with our right to protest.

The founding fathers would kick all your asses!

Boys, what do you think the founding fathers would say?

T-The foggy who?

Well, I hope you little commies are pretty pleased with yourselves...

Going out there and protesting America and then saying on national television that you don't even know who the founding fathers are!

You kids don't know squat about America, do you?!

W-Well, not really, no.

Well, that's just jingles, because I'm assigning all you little flag burners a full report on 1776 and the founding fathers!

Shut up! I want you all in your study groups of four.

And if you can't give an outstanding report on what the founding fathers would have to say about all this protesting, then it's F's for you!

I can't do it.

This is way too much material for a 9-year-old.

Oh, no, you don't, Cartman!

Every time we get put in a study group, you sit on ass while the rest of us do all the work!

But you guys are such better studiers than me.

I know you can pull it off.

You're gonna read this stuff and study like the rest of us!

Myaaa!

M-M-Myaaa!

Shut up and study!

Myaaaa! Mya, mya.

Hmm, 1776, when our founding fathers created America.

I wonder what it used to be like in those days... in those days... in those days... in those days.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to have a flashback.

A mrph?

You know, if I have a flashback, then I can see what 1776 was like firsthand.

No, you just have to study.

No. I've seen this work before. Just give me a second.

Oh, okay, okay. How about this?

Say, guys, 1776 was so long ago.

I wonder what life would have been like back then... back then... back then... back then.

Uh... Oh, wait, wait. I know, I know.

You know, guys, I don't even care about 1776.

It was so long ago that I don't think it has anything to do with me... with me... with... Anything to do with me... with me.

That isn't gonna work, dumbass!

Kids, let's keep it down for study groups or else Mr. Garrison's going to punish me.

Just face it, Cartman. You're gonna have to study!

Myaaa!

M-M-M-Myaaa!

There. All finished.

From now on, this is the pro-w*r side of town, and that's the unpatriotic side.

Yeah! That's right!

How about we call this the rational side of town and that the redneck side?!

You just keep all your flag burning and your hippie-rock protest songs on your side of the town!

Hey, wait a minute.

Your side of town has the post office.

Well, your side has the grocery store.

You can come to our side of town to use the post office if we can go to your side to use the grocery store.

Uh, can we cross the line to take our kids to school?

Well, naturally, you can cross the line for that, just like we can cross the line for hardware supplies, gas, and pharmaceutical needs.

Yeah, okay. That's good.

Hey, everybody, this is never gonna work.

Don't you see?

All this dividin' up the town... It's just ridiculous.

What we really should be doing is just b*ating the hell out of each other like we were.

He's right. Boy, do I feel like a fool.

Cartman, what the hell are you doing?

You're supposed to be studying! That's what I'm doing.

I'm about to find out all about what happened back in 1776. How?

All I have to do is be thinking about American history when I walk through this doorway.

I'll trip the rope, causing the rock to fall on my head, and then I will have a flashback to the times of our founding fathers!

Cartman, you are hereby declared a full-fledged ret*rd.

Make fun of me all you want, Kyle, but I will have the last laugh.

Gentlemen, if you will clear the doorway, please.

Oh, gee, I wonder what it used to be like in the year 1776.

Derh.

Derh...

Cartman?

Cartman!

Benjamin Franklin?

No, turd pants, it's Kyle!

Kyle.

Get out of my flashback, you g*dd*mn Jew.

Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

Okay, people. What are we rabbling about now?

Mayor, our peace rally has always been set for this Saturday.

And now these pro-w*r bastards are suddenly trying to say they get the town square.

That's bull crap, Mayor!

Our rally to support the w*r was set up months ago.

There was no w*r months ago!

Hey, if you don't like America, then you can get out!

Look, nobody wants to hear a bunch of twangy-country-music, pro-w*r propaganda.

Nobody wants to hear a bunch of rock protest songs!

Yeah! Yeah!

Up yours, rednecks!

Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

Quiet, people! The town square is public space.

That means if neither group will nicely and maturely move the day of its rally, I'll just have to give the town square to both groups.

All right! That's fine!

Because our w*r-support songs will be a thousand times better!

Oh, you think so? Bring the shizzle.

We'll trizzle the shizzle all over the hizzle.

Yeah? See you Saturday, McKizzer shanizzernilla shazz beyaznatch kazizza.

Cartman? Cartman?

You better be studying, God damn it.

Ah, Stan, Kyle, Kenny. You're just in time.

Oh, no. Oh, yes!

I am just about to flash back to the days of our founding fathers.

Cartman, you're supposed to be studying!

What the hell is all this?

I have programmed TiVo to record over 50 hours of the History Channel.

When TiVo is full, both TiVo and I will be dropped into the water, combining our electro-whatever fields and sending me into a flashback of history.

Uh, Cartman, I think that's a really bad idea.

Or a really sweet one.

Your TiVo is full.

Oh, here goes!

Cartman?

Cartman?

Aw, crap.

Oh, awesome!

Oi, there, young lad! Are you all right?

Yeah, yeah. Can you tell me what year it is?

This year? Why, it's 1776, it is.

Oh, yes! I did it! I did it!

Would you like a ride into town?

I'm on my way to Master Thomas Jefferson's house to get a very important document, I am.

Oh, kick f*ckin' ass, dude!

Never seen you around here, friend.

Might ye be from up north?

No, I'm not from here at all. I'm having a flashback.

A flashback? Why, what is that?

Well, you know, it's a... Oh, awesome!

Look at me I'm back in time, in 1776.

With gaslight corners, cobblestone streets.

And humble houses made of bricks.

What a special, magic time.

And it's all alive for me I'm so glad Stan and Kyle aren't here I hate those guys, seriously.

Seriously hate those guys.

Hate Stan and Kyle.

Is he going to be all right, Doctor?

Your son tried to k*ll himself in a ritualistic fashion I've never seen before.

His chances of surviving are very slim.

I'm so sorry.

Oh, baby. Baby, you can't die!

Yeah. We have a report to do, assh*le.

Get up! Get up!

Ooh. Easy, Kyle. But it's not fair!

We have to do a full report on the founding fathers, and... and Cartman got out of helping us again!

I guess we're just gonna have to do it with the three of us.

Come on, guys.

I know you're in a very dark place now, sweetie, but you must come toward the light.

Come toward the light!

Here we are, then...

The current residence of Master Thomas Jefferson.

Super neato!

I'm afraid you'll have to wait here.

But I need to talk to the founding fathers to do my report.

Sorry, only the official messenger boy is allowed to talk to Mr. Jefferson.

Oh, okay. I guess I understand.

I don't want to wait.

For our lives to be over.

I don't want to wait.

For our lives to be over.

Hello. I am Thomas Jefferson.

And I am the official messenger boy, I am!

Very well.

Take this document to the Continental Congress.

Wow. The Declaration of Independence Day.

Some favor going to w*r with England, and others want to avoid w*r at all costs.

It's a bitch, ain't it?

Perhaps this document will make the reasons for w*r obvious to all.

Good luck, young messenger.

Now make haste!

Okay, so Thomas Jefferson wrote the Declaration of Independence.

Then the Continental Congress...

No w*r! No w*r! No w*r!

Oh, Jesus.

Uh, boys, would you mind clearing the living room?

We have to practice our big w*r-protest song.

Dad, we have to study.

Mr. Garrison is making us do a presentation on what the founding fathers would say about the w*r.

Hey, that's a terrific idea!

Yeah! We could have the boys do their presentation as part of our peace rally on Saturday!

Oh, no. No, no, no, no.

Support our troops!

Support our troops!

See? I told you they had your son!

Kenny, what are you doing over here with all these un-American traitors?

Mrph rmhmhm rm.

The boys are going to give a presentation at our rally about how the founding fathers would agree with our right to protest.

What?! No! What?! Oh, no!

Actually, we hadn't really come to a...

Look, my son is a patriot and loves his country!

Come on, Kenny! Mrph rmh...

Now! Yeah!

Support our troops!

Support our troops!

Oh, Kenny, n... Oh! Aw.

Aw, now we lost two in our study group!

God damn it!

Can you believe those hick sons of b*tches?

Manipulating their kids into being on their side.

Disgraceful!

Stan and Kyle, it's up to you to show all those warmongers that the founding fathers agree with us!

Yeah, that's right! Let's get back to work!

Do you think kids in every town have to deal with this crap?

Enter, young messenger!

I am John Hancock, president of the Congress.

Mr. John Adams?

Aye.

Will you do the honors of reading the document to Congress, please?

"When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to..."

"...we mutually pledge to each other our lives, our fortunes, and our sacred honor.

P.S. every Thursday should be 'free ice cream' day."

Excuse me, but does this declaration actually suggest that we should go to w*r with England?

We have no choice, Mr. Dickinson.

All right, everyone.

Thank you all for coming out to protest the w*r, m'kay!

Don't kid yourselves.

These people have come out to support our troops, right?!

And now Randy Marsh is gonna sing a protest song he wrote about the w*r.

Oh, no, you don't!

We're doing our pro-w*r song first!

Yeah!

The last thing these people want is another bleeding-heart rock protest song!

People, I told you, you have to share the stage.

Nobody wants to hear another pro-w*r country song!

Well, excuse me if...

I'm a little bit country.

Well, I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll-a I'm a little for supportin' our troops.

And I'm a little for bringin' 'em home I believe freedom isn't free.

No, but w*r shouldn't be our goal.

We must defend our country.

If it means w*r, then we say no.

Yee-haw!

Did you forget them towers in New York?

Did you forget how it made you feel.

To see them towers come down?

Were you like me?

Did you think it weren't real?

I like to rock, but I don't want to rock Iraq.

The only kind of rockin' America should do.

Is the kind that we can all dance to.

We've got GPS, ICBMs.

And good old-fashioned lead.

We're gonna show S*ddam what America means.

That son of a bitch will be dead.

Why are we fightin' this w*r?

There's a man in the office we didn't vote for.

They didn't give me a choice.

w*r is not my voice.

Yea-a-a-a-h!

We must go to w*r!

But what about the v*olence, the lives lost?

If we found a country, it should be founded on peace and diplomacy!

England will only understand one thing... force.

I must state again for the record that South Carolina, North Carolina, Pennsylvania, Maryland, and Georgia are against w*r!

Yeah, because you don't care about the fate of the colonies like we do!

You're all unpatriotic!

And if you don't like the colonies, then you can get out!

Don't you call us unpatriotic!

We are protesting this w*r because we care so deeply for the fate of our colonies!

You are all unpatriotic for leading the colonies into a w*r that half of them don't want!

How very, very relevant.

Tom, I'm standing in the town square, where the w*r rally has been going on for an incredible 87 hours.

The crowd still appears to be split right down the middle...

Half support country music and the other half rock 'n' roll.

Let's listen in.

And now we'd like to bring out a couple of very special South Park students who did a report on what the founding fathers would have to say about the w*r.

For you people who still think w*r is the answer, perhaps you can listen to the voices... of the children.

Uh, we didn't do it.

What?

We didn't do our homework.

Boys, you were supposed to come out here and tell everyone about the founding fathers!

First we lost one study partner when Cartman put himself in the hospital, and then they took Kenny away.

Then Kyle forgot to set his clock ahead for Daylight Savings, and we couldn't find anything in the history books about Iraq...

That's because the founding fathers would have supported the w*r!

The founding fathers would have protested, like us!

Support! Support!

Protest! Protest!

Country! Country!

Rock 'n' roll! Rock 'n' roll!

Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

We cannot found a country based on w*r!

We cannot found a country that is afraid to fight!

Rabble!

Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble! Rabble!

Oh. Benjamin Franklin.

Benjamin Franklin. Benjamin Franklin's here.

It's Mr. Franklin. Franklin, Franklin.

Oh, Benjamin Franklin. Franklin, Franklin.

Benjamin Franklin.

Mr. Franklin, where do you stand on the w*r issue?

I believe that if we are to form a new country, we cannot be a country that appears w*r-hungry and violent to the rest of the world.

However, we also cannot be a country that appears weak and unwilling to fight to the rest of the world.

So, what if we form a country... that appears to want both?

Yes. Yes, of course.

We go to w*r... and protest going to w*r at the same time!

Right!

If the people of our new country are allowed to do whatever they wish, then some will support the w*r and some will protest it.

And that means that as a nation, we could go to w*r with whomever we wished but at the same time act like we didn't want to.

If we allow the people to protest what the government does, then the country will be forever blameless.

It's like having your cake and eating it, too.

Think of it... an entire nation founded on saying one thing and doing another.

And we will call that country the United States of America.

I get it now!

I get it!

Here goes.

I wish I could go back to my time... to my time... to... to my time.

Everyone, stop, please!

The... the child.

The child from the hospital!

If you all don't mind, I would like to do my report now.

I know what the founding fathers would say.

He does? He does?

I learned something today.

This country was founded by some of the smartest thinkers the world has ever seen, and they knew one thing...

That a truly great country can go to w*r and at the same time act like it doesn't want to.

You people who are for the w*r, you need the protesters because they make the country look like it's made of sane, caring individuals.

And you people who are antiwar, you need these flag-wavers, because if our whole country was made up of nothing but soft, p*ssy protesters, we'd get taken down in a second.

That's why the founding fathers decided we should have both.

It's called having your cake and eating it, too.

He's right.

The strength of this country is the ability to do one thing and say another.

Yeah, if it weren't for all you guys protesting, everyone around the world would hate the American people instead of just the president.

And if it weren't for you people flexing your arms, America could easily get taken over by t*rrorists or... or China.

I guess we owe you an apology.

And I-I guess we owe you one.

Cartman?

Cartman saved the day? Can't be.

The founding fathers want you all to know that we can disagree all we want, as long as we agree that America kicks ass.

Hey, I'm a little bit country.

And I'm a little bit rock 'n' roll-a I'll be the muscle of America.

And me, I'll be the caring soul.

And when you put us together.

You get a nation with one goal.

To thrive and prosper.

With a little country and rock 'n' roll.

Come on up here, everybody!

We're a little bit country.

We're a little bit rock 'n' roll.

We can be a nation that believes in w*r...

And still tells the world that we don't.

Let the flag for hypocrisy fly high from every pole.

'Cause we're a little bit country.

And we're a little bit rock 'n' roll.

Well, good night, everybody.

It sure has been great bringing you 100 episodes.

We want to thank our guests, the pro-w*r people...

...and the antiwar people.

What the hell are they doing now?

I-I don't know.

For the w*r, against the w*r... Who cares?

100 episodes.

I hate this town. I really, really do.