07x06 - Lil' Crime Stoppers

[bunniefuu]

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!"

Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

Yes? Oh, hello, boys.

Hello, sir. South Park Junior Detectives.

We were wondering if you have any crimes you need solved for a dollar.

Ooh, little crime stoppers, huh?

Well, I'm afraid I don't have any crimes I need solved right now.

Aw, sh*t.

All right, sir. Well, please call us if you need anything.

I'll do that. Have fun, boys.

Stupid assholes.

How come nobody has a crime to solve?

Maybe starting a detective club isn't such a great idea.

It's a great idea. We just have to keep working at it.

Oh, hello there, boys!

Hello, ma'am. We're detectives with the South Park Crime Unit.

Do you have any crimes you need solved for a dollar?

Ooh. Neighborhood detectives, huh?

Well, let me th... Ooh, yes!

There is something! Really?

Yes... two days ago, I put a fresh-baked cherry pie out on my windowsill to cool.

And later, when I went to get it, it was gone.

My God.

Have you reported this to any other authorities?

No, but I think it's a perfect case for you kids.

Cool! We'll see what we can find, ma'am!

We're on the case.

What have you got, Marsh?

Detective McCormick found something interesting.

Jesus. We're too late.

I think we can piece this case together now.

Seen for the first time on HBC...

My pie tin! Ooh, but what happened to the pie?

Well, we've all talked it through, and we've come up with a theory.

What do you think happened, little detectives?

You said you set the pie on the windowsill, where it must have sat for some time.

But its sweet smell attracted the attention of somebody.

Your husband!

He wanted that pie badly, but he knew that he was not allowed to eat it yet.

Slowly, the rage built inside his mind.

"Why won't she let me eat that pie?

Why does she always stop me from doing what I want to do?"

His only solution became obvious... k*ll her.

His plan was to use a hammer.

Bash, bash, bash your skull in, causing instant death.

To make it impossible for police to identify the body, he would use a shovel to remove your head...

Then saw off the arms and legs.

The torso, he would dump into the lake.

The arms and legs, he would dissolve with acid and lye in the bathtub.

And then, finally, he'd be able to eat that pie.

But before he could go through with his entire plan, he discovered that the pie had already been eaten...

By your dog.

Looks like the game is over, old man!

Oh my God!

What kind of television have you kids been watching?

Just the news.

All right, all right. You... You boys run along now!

Hey, you owe us a dollar, lady!

Fine! Here! Just go!

Wow! Look, you guys! Our first dollar!

We're in business.

Kenny, you got the F.A.G. on that perp in Washington?

Boys, you have a little visitor.

Is this the South Park Crime Unit?

Yes, it is!

I lost my dolly.

Thank you, Miss secretary. That will be all.

And get us some more cookies and coffee!

We're not paying you to sit on your ass!

Do you know where your doll is?

If I knew where it was, it wouldn't be lost.

All right, Sarah. Come over here.

I want you to describe what the doll looks like to our sketch artist, Kenny.

She has curly blond hair... and a red dress... and a turned-up nose.

And a blue bow in her hair.

You got it, Ken?

All right. Let's see.

Damn it, Kenny! That's not what she said!

Put that away, dude.

Don't worry, ma'am. We'll find your doll.

No sign of forced entry.

But the window isn't locked.

Right, so it's possible the thief sat out in that tree.

He would have watched Sarah with her doll, possibly while cutting the palms of his hand with a large Kn*fe.

The pain gave him sick pleasure.

Disposing of the doll wouldn't be easy.

He would've brought a shovel to decapitate it.

We're going to need semen samples from everything in this room.

All right. Let's do this by the books.

O'Donnell, get me smears of all the places the doll used to be.

Mitchell, run a tap on the phone.

Hey, kid, what are you doing?

Agent Tucker, FBI. And you?

Detective Marsh.

I'm in charge of this investigation.

Not anymore you're not.

Hey, this is our case. You can't come in and take over.

Can't we?

You guys are playing detectives. We're playing FBI.

That gives us jurisdiction over you.

Aw, crap!

I want choppers on the roof ready to go.

Dude, we've been working this case since 2:30.

Good. Then you can help us by telling me everything you know.

Son of a bitch. Stupid FBI.

Well, I guess we can go back to playing laundromat.

No, we're not gonna stop playing detectives.

We've just got to find that doll before those FBI guys do.

Mrph. Yeah, but how?

We're gonna have to start bringing in people for questioning. Right.

And I think I know exactly where to start.

Where were you this morning at 9:00, Butters?

I was at home.

Your story is full of holes, and I'm gonna b*at your ass if you don't start telling the truth.

Mrph, rmhmhm rm mrph rmh.

Mrph rmhmhm rm, rmh.

They've really gotten good at this good-cop, bad-cop thing.

You're going down, Butters. You hear me?!

Mrph, rmh mrph rm. Mrph rmhmhm rm.

You're a worthless two-dollar criminal, and you're lying!

Mrph, rmhmhm rm mrph rmh.

I don't have nothing to confess. Honestly!

Fine.

Then you won't mind giving us a semen sample.

How do I do that?

You make the semen come out of your body and put it in this cup!

How do I make semen come out of my body?

Stop playing games!

I'm not playing. I really don't know.

That does it. Wait right here!

You guys, did you hear that?

Butters doesn't know how you make semen come out of your body.

How do you make semen come out?

I don't know. I was hoping you guys did.

It's that thing we learned about in school where you pull on your wiener until white stuff comes out.

Really? Oh, right.

You're supposed to pull and master-ber-nate your wiener really fast. Oh, okay.

Okay, ret*rd.

You really don't know how to make semen come out?

No. Follow me to the bathroom.

Mrph, rmhmhm rm. Mrph rmh rmphm.

Now, go sit on the toilet and pull and tug on your wiener until white stuff comes out.

Then put it in this cup. My wiener?

Yes, ret*rd, semen comes from your wiener.

Now, do it!

Well, Butters?

I'm pulling on my wiener, but nothing's happening.

Well, pull harder!

It's not working.

Try doing it faster.

No. Nothing.

Butters, you want to go to jail for the rest of your life?!

No!

Then you better get that sample no matter how long it takes!

Okay!

Cartman! Cartman!

We just got a tip that a doll was found near Fosse's house!

Let's go.

Huh, okay, Miss... Miss Jones, huh.

Me and Dr. Flick here just need to check your vag*na.

Huh. That's gay. Yeah, that's gay.

Kyle.

What?

What?

I see two guys inside.

They have Sarah Peterson's doll, you stupid Jew!

They've got the doll.

Okay. Okay. Ready?

Ring the doorbell.

W-W-Who is it?

South Park Junior Detectives.

We know you have Sarah Peterson's doll.

They're playing detective.

That's gay.

You're gay!

What do we do now?

I don't know.

If they're not gonna give us back the doll, we have no choice.

Let's go tell on them.

Dude, we can't just tell on them.

Why not?

Because, dude, we're playing detectives.

Detectives don't just go tell on people.

H-Hey, detectives.

Huh huh, if you don't get out of here, we're gonna rip the doll's head off.

Huh huh. Yeah.

We were playing gynecologist, and now we're playing criminals.

Huh huh. Yeah. That's gay.

We're gay.

Jesus. They're gonna k*ll her. We've got to do something.

Time. Time is what we need.

But time is something we ain't got!

Attention! You in the house!

This is Agent Tucker with the FBI.

We have you surrounded... Sort of.

Hey, you buttholes can't play FBI here.

Yeah. This was our hot lead.

And you did a great job leading us here.

Now you just stay out of our way.

The gig is up, Fosse.

Bring out the doll or we'll tell on you.

We're going to charge the front door and go get it.

No, you're not.

Damn it, man, this is not the time for negotiations!

There's a little doll about to have her head twisted off!

Climb off, kid.

We say you can't charge the front door, and you have to obey what the FBI says.

That's the rules.

Just because your parents can afford better toys than ours doesn't make you better than us.

Yes, it does so.

Mrph rmh rmphm?

We go get the doll ourselves.

But they said we can't charge the front door.

That's right.

But they didn't say anything about going in the back.

Come on, guys.

You don't want to hurt that doll.

Huh huh. Oh, crap. They're coming in the back.

Mrph. Mrph.

That's gay.

Bang! Bang! Bang! I got you, Fosse.

Huh. No, you didn't. Did so!

No, 'cause I got special wizard armor on.

We're not playing Dungeons and Dragons, ass face!

All right. That does it.

Cover me. I'm going slo-mo.

Oh. He got me.

Bleah. Huh.

Bleah. Bleah.

Yeah.

We're dead.

That's gay.

We got it.

Ms. Peterson, is your daughter home?

My dolly!

We got her back safe. We lost a lot of good men in the process.

Well, you boys are little heroes.

I'm gonna call the police department and let them know what brave little detectives you are.

Hello, there, little crime stoppers.

I'm Lieutenant Dawson with the Park County police.

I heard you did a great job finding little Sarah Peterson's doll.

We do what we can, sir.

Well, that's fantastic, kids.

And for all your terrific sleuth-solving, I'm hereby making you all Junior Detectives.

Awesome. Sweet.

That means you boys are now an official part of the department.

Cool!

All right. So, ready for your first assignment?

Sure. Okay.

There's a meth lab down at 567 Mala Vista.

The operators are probably armed to the hilt with illegal weapons.

I want you to get down there and see what you can find.

Uh... a-a meth lab?

I don't want any problems. Just take 'em down by the books.

Now, get over there.

The mayor's all over my ass on this one.

Oh, and, deputies, you screw this up, and I'll have you working graveyard shift behind a desk.

Move it!

What is a meth lab, anyway?

I don't know. Let's just hurry up.

I want to get home in time to watch Crime Drama.

Uh, police. Open up.

Oh, crap. Did you guys do your math homework?

Oh, dude. I totally spaced it.

You die, pigs!

You want to die, huh?!

You won't take us alive!

So long, coppers.

Oh, sh*t!

Damn.

One UPS vehicle valued at $25,000, one civilian vehicle worth $16,000, the second floor of the post office, and a coffee shop valued at $60,000.

The mayor's gonna have my ass!

Uh, sir, we just got kind of blindsided by the...

You got careless!

Now, I don't know how they do things down at that dog-and-pony show they call the fourth grade, but here we have rules.

Jesus, we don't even have guys to question now because you k*lled them all!

We're sorry.

One more slipup like that, and I'll have your badges.

You hear me? Now, hit the showers.

Well, well, well. If it isn't the super cops.

Hey, Murphy, think they'll let me borrow their G.I. Joes?

Come on, you guys. Leave 'em alone.

Relax, Hopkins. All fun and games, right?

So, tell us, rookies, you, uh, find yourself a little bonus in that house?

A bonus?

Come on. We all skim a little off the top.

Or are you too good for that?

You think you're gonna waltz in here and clean up the system, is that it?

We just want to be Junior Detectives.

Look, we all work hard.

And we deserve more than the $30,000 a year we get paid.

So what if we take in a little on the side?

Yeah. Who the hell are you to change that?

I said back off, Murphy.

Why don't you and your rookie friends make us?

That's right! Come on! Yeah, that's right.

Bring it! Let's go. Come on! Bring it!

What the hell is the problem here?!

No problem, sir.

No problem at all.

Then hit the showers, all of you.

Dude, I don't want to play detective anymore.

Me neither. It'll get better, you guys.

Better how, dude?

Look, we wanted to form a club to protect and serve South Park.

We put all this time into it.

What do you guys want to do, Go back to playing car mechanics or laundromat owners?

We were happy playing laundromat owners.

I wasn't.

We started playing detective because we wanted our playtime to mean something.

Or have you forgotten why you joined the force?

Hey, Broflovski's a good cop.

You guys can go back to playing laundromat owners if you want, but I'm not gonna give those kids playing the FBI a chance to laugh at us.

I'll see you guys at school tomorrow.

Eric, where have you been? It's 10:30.

We had to take down a meth lab on Mala Vista.

Well, you should have called Mommy.

Will you get off my back?!

It's hard enough I got to work the b*at.

Then I got to come home to your nagging?

Look. Look. I-I'm sorry.

It's just this case and the guys down at the station...

I'm tired, all right? I'm tired.

Well, why don't you get ready for snoogums' night-night, and I'll bring you some toasty chocolate nummers?

Okay.

Butters? Yes?

Are you still trying to give a semen sample?

I'm trying, but nothing's coming out.

Well, keep trying, Butters.

Okay.

And so you can see, children, that the women's movement of the late '50s and early '60s had a profound effect on feminism in America... Uh, boys?

Would it trouble you terribly not to sleep in my class?!

Oh, we weren't sleeping, Mr. Garrison.

Oh, well, then maybe you can tell me who was in charge of the feminist movement of the early '60s.

A bunch of fat old skanks on their periods?

Right, but who was the fattest, oldest skank on her period?

That's what I thought. Now, pay attention!

Okay, children, now the biggest skank of all was an old fat ass by the name of...

Marsh! Broflovski! McCormick! Cartman!

In my office!

Looks like that meth lab you took down was just the tip of the iceberg.

They found a paper trail leading all the way to the biggest crime syndicate in Colorado.

The operators apparently run their business out of a sleazy strip joint down in Englewood.

They're all cop K*llers, so I'm sending you in undercover.

Uh, sir, I have a lot of homework to do tonight, and I was... What?!

Now, you listen to me.

I'm giving you one last chance.

You're good cops, but you let your emotions get in the way.

And your little sh**t-first, ask-questions-later technique has no place in this century!

Now, you get down to that strip joint, and you do it by the books, you got it?!

The mayor is... my ass...

So, what did you boys have to say to the lieutenant?

Nothing. He just told us a bunch of stuff.

Maybe you decided you needed to tell him about our... bonus money.

No.

They're lying.

They're dead.

Dude, if my mom knew I was in here, I would be in super-big trouble.

Mrph rmh!

Would you like a dance?

No, thanks.

Dance? Anyone like a dance?

All right, guys. Put your hands together.

Be sure to tip the dancers.

All right. Now let's hear it for Candy.

Whoa. Whoa. What the hell are you kids doing in here?

This isn't an appropriate place for children.

Dance?

Anyone like a dance?

Uh, it's okay. We know the owner.

Oh, really? Let's go see.

We'll have to start having the McCormicks make our meth again.

Hey, Gino, these kids say they know you.

What? I don't know no kids.

I didn't think so. All right, you kids.

Hey, wait a minute.

These kids might be just what we need to get our dr*gs past the security at D.I.A. how would you like to join our family?

Yo, Gino, I know I seen these kids before, man.

These kids are five-o. What?

These kids are cops, man!

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Mrph rmh. Mrph rmh.

Kenny, it doesn't go "peekew-peekew."

It goes "Bang! Bang! Bang!"

God damn it!

Those Junior Detectives and their heroically reckless ways.

Murphy, Jenkins, Hopkins, get in there!

Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang! Bang!

Da-a-a-nce?! Anybody like a da-a-a-a-nce?

Freeze! South Park detectives!

Great job, boys. You found the meth boss.

Detective Murphy. Jenkins. What the hell are you doing?

We had a deal!

A deal?

That's right. We're partners in the drug business.

Everything was fine until these super cops joined the force.

Now we got to k*ll you all.

Boys! Down!

All right, guys. Put your hands together.

Lot of sh**t' and killin' going on.

But be sure to tip your waitress.

Let's hear it for Rebecca.

Christ! Those Junior Detectives have no regard for the law.

Get me a hard line to the phone. And I want choppers on the roof!

Who the hell are you?

Agent Fields, FBI.

Hey, I'm in charge of this investigation.

Not anymore you're not.

But that's not fair!

Is so! Is so!

Sorry, Detective Hopkins.

We can't let anybody know about our partnership.

That's right. We split it all, 50-50!

That's right.

I think we'll take 100% now.

Huh huh. Yeah.

Sorry, Gino, but in business like this, sometimes partnerships need to end.

That's right.

Sometimes partnerships need to end.

Well, super cops, looks like I'll be taking in all the money now.

I'm in business alone.

And that means that the only person that I can't trust... is myself.

Looks like Murphy and Jenkins got what they deserved.

If it weren't for you boys, we would've never cleaned up the department.

All right, detectives. Let's get one thing straight.

I do not agree with your methods.

You're uncontrolled and you're negligent!

But, by God, you get the job done.

Congratulations.

Thanks.

I'm probably gonna regret this, but, well, I'm promoting you to full detectives.

There'll be lots more action and that big paycheck you've always wanted.

I think I have a better idea.

Hello, sir. Welcome to the Broflovski Laundromat.

Yes. I have a suit I need dry-cleaned and pressed, please.

Certainly.

Here you are, Mr. McCormick.

Your laundry is all done and folded.

That will be $9.95.

On your American Express.

Fellas! Hey, fellas! I got it!

I-I got my semen sample! You did?

Yeah. I was up there pounding my wiener for two days straight.

A-And finally I thought about Stan's mom's boobs, and this little tiny spooge of this white stuff came out.

That's great, but we're not playing detective anymore.

We're playing laundromat owners.

Would you like those pants cleaned for $4.95?