09x05 - The Losing Edge

[bunniefuu]

I'm goin' down to South Park, gonna have myself a time.

Friendly faces everywhere.

Humble folks without temptation.

Goin' down to South Park, gonna leave my woes behind.

Ample parking day or night.

People spouting, "Howdy, neighbor!"

Heading on up to South Park, gonna see if I can't unwind.

Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!

Come on down to South Park and meet some friends of mine.

This is it, Stan.

If you strike this kid out, we all get to go home.

Now batting for Conifer is little Allen Vargas.

Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter!

No hit, no hit! Can't hit it, can't hit it!

Can't hit it, can't hit it, can't hit it!

Hit it out of the park, Allen!

South Park sucks!

Just look at those boys out there loving the great game of baseball like we did when we were kids.

Oh, God. I'm so bored!

I see a ladybug.

Hello, lady, ladybug.

Strike.

That was no strike.

What the hell is wrong with you, ump?

Good call, ump. Good call.

Come on, Allen! This pitcher throws like a girl!

What'd you say? You heard me, assh*le!

You want me to kick your ass right here?

Randy, sit down.

You want a piece of me?

'Cause I'm pretty sick of your g*dd*mn mouth.

What do you want to do, huh? What do you want to do?

Randy, don't.

You better shut up, assh*le!

I'm standin' right here. How do you want to handle it?

I told you to shut up!

Oh, Jesus. Not again.

Come on, Stan.

Just strike this kid out so we can end the season.

Strike three! You're out!

Yes! It's over! It's over!

That's it. South Park wins the game 4-0.

We're done! No more baseball!

No more boring baseball until next year!

We can start having fun again!

Yeah! We did it! We did it!

Yeah! We did it, boys! We did it!

We're going to the finals! Whoo-hoo!

What?

We won. That means we've got the best record in the division.

Congratulations, boys.

You're going on to the postseason.

Whoo-hoo! Postseason?

Nobody said anything about a postseason.

There's more Little League baseball for South Park!

Yeah!

No.

No-o-o!

This is for what?!

Arresting me for what?

I'm not allowed to stand up for myself?

I thought this was America!

Isn't this America?!

I'm sorry. I thought this was America.

I can't believe it.

I can't believe we have to keep playing.

Nobody told us if we won too many games we'd go on to the finals.

Look, you guys, maybe it's not all that bad.

Not all that bad? How can you say that?

You hate this game more than any of us.

I know, but listen.

The finals are all sudden-death elimination.

That means as soon as we lose one game, our season is over.

Well, yeah, but... we usually win.

All the other teams are worse than us.

Yeah. Let's face it... We're winners.

I know we can lose if we try. You mean throw the game?

You know how our parents are about this sport.

Yeah, my dad always said, "It's okay to lose, but if you don't try, you're grounded, mister."

Yeah.

Okay, so then we'll just tell the other team quietly that we're gonna let them win and then act like we're trying.

Our parents will never know.

We better hope they never know, or else there's going to be heck to pay.

Heck, I tell ya!

Cheers!

Boy, that was great, wasn't it?

Yeah. Our boys really stuck it to 'em.

Yeah! Yeah!

All right! Hey!

Hey!

You're out. How much was bail this time?

Hundred bucks. No big whoop.

Boy, you really b*at the crap out of that Conifer dad.

Somebody had to put that knucklehead in his place.

Yeah. Well, you'd better watch yourself in the playoffs.

W-What do you mean?

I mean you always get into fights with scrappy redneck dads up here in the mountains, but some of those Division-Il dads are tough.

Yeah. Those dads get really drunk and obnoxious.

I can fight anybody. I just need to train.

I just... need to get in the best shape of my life.

The Beatles, from the White Album, with "Helter Skelter."

Okay...

We want to welcome all South Park parents to Fort Collins and the Little League Division-I playoffs.

Uh, hey, guys, look. We don't want to win.

So, uh, here's a list of all the pitches I'm gonna throw, in order.

I don't think so, South Park.

Yeah. You think we want to win?

Then we have to keep playing this boring game.

Yeah!

You hate this game, too?

Yeah, and then we won the stupid regionals and had to do this lousy-ass tournament.

We want to play video games.

Oh, no!

Look, we're gonna be the losers tonight, all right?

I don't think so.

There's no way you can lose to us.

We're going do-o-wn. We're gonna get cre-e-amed!

No. We're gonna get creamed!

We'll just see about that.

Oh, yeah? Yeah!

Oh, boy.

They're really gettin' in each other's heads out there.

Yeah! Let's go, South Park!

These Fort Collins kids got nothin'!

Whoo!

Come on, Fort Collins! Let 'em have it! Yeah!

Guess that's my guy.

I can take him. No problem.

All right. Hit one out of the park.

And first up for Fort Collins is Morgan Pratt.

Hey, batter, batter, batter, batter!

Hey, batter, batter, batter!

Knock it out of the park, Morgan!

Cream these turds!

Strike!

Yeah!

Yeah! All right!

All right! Damn it!

Come on, kid. You got to at least swing at it.

No way. I'm striking out.

Dude, he's not gonna swing, so just throw balls.

That way he'll have to walk to first base.

Ball!

All right!

Morgan.

What?

You have to swing when it's a ball.

Otherwise you're gonna walk to first base.

Don't swing only if it's a strike.

Well, how the Sam Hill am I supposed to know if he's gonna be throwing a strike or a ball?

You just have to guess.

Aw, Jesus.

Ball. Ball.

Strike two!

No!

That was no strike! That was a terrible pitch!

You need some g*dd*mn Lasik surgery!

Thataway, South Park! They ain't swingin' at nothin'!

Come on, Fort Collins! This team can't pitch!

Got to learn to take it.

Try to believe.

There you go, Morgan! Run, run, run!

Aw, damn it.

Why the hell did you swing at it?

I thought he was gonna throw a ball that time!

You're the best around.

Strike three! You're out!

All right!

You're the best around.

Ball four! What?

You're the best around. Walk to first. Whoo!

Aw, God damn it.

Nothing's gonna ever keep you down.

Safe!

Down. Crud.

Fort Collins can't play!

Why don't you shut your mouth before I kick your ass?!

Ah, got to be proud, staring out in the cloud.

Come on! Let's go! I'm right here.

Randy.

Sit down before you get hurt.

And one day time will tell.

Mother...

J& You'll reach the final bell. God damn it.

You're the best around.

Strike three! You're out!

You're the best around.

Nothing's gonna ever keep you down.

That's it. South Park wins the game.

Aw, spit!

Oh, I'm sorry.

I thought I was... I thought I was in America.

I'm sorry.

Strike three! You're out!

Yeah!

God damn it, Brian! Swing!

Greeley sucks! Greeley sucks!

Ball four!

Aw, hamburgers.

You're the best around.

Nothing's gonna ever keep you down.

You're the best around.

Strike three!

How the hell was that a strike?!

God damn it! He should be going to first!

Is this a communist country or something?!

I thought this was America!

Fight till you drop iStrike tres!

IBueno! IFantastico!

IVamonos, Pueblo! IViva la Pueblo!

IPueblo no bueno! IPueblo es muy mall!

Ball cuatro, por favor.

You're the best around.

Nothing's gonna ever keep you down.

You're the best around.

This is America.

I'm sorry. It was America.

You're the best around.

Nothing's gonna ever keep you down.

You're the best around.

Can you believe it, boys?

We're playing in the state championship game!

We're so proud of you kids.

What happens if we win the state championship game?

Well, then your whole season starts over, but on the national circuit.

You get to spend your whole summer playing baseball!

What?! You can do it, kids!

We know you can win state!

Then we'll spend the whole summer going to Nebraska and lowa and Wyoming.

Oh, no. No, no, no!

Dad. Dad, we need to talk.

Can you believe it, Stan?

The state championship game.

It's... the greatest thing ever.

God damn it.

I worked hard, believed in myself, and now I'm gonna be fighting in the state championship game.

This is gonna be the biggest fight of my life.

This is "News 4 at Noon."

The Colorado Little League state championship is being played this week.

Two teams of youngsters get to go head-to-head at the Major League stadium downtown.

Tom, I'm standing here with the little sluggers and some of their parents, and I can't tell you how excited they are.

I don't suppose you guys want to win this game?

Win? Why the hell would we want to win?

Yeah. Then we'd have to play this boring game all summer.

Little Stan Marsh is the pitcher for the South Park Little League team.

Stan, how does it feel to be playing for the state championship?

Gay.

Mr. Marsh, you must be very proud of your son.

They've worked really hard to get here, Chris.

You know, I don't like to really "trash-talk," but I don't think Denver has a chance.

Oh! Well, I'm sure some of the Denver kids' parents would disagree with you...

Oh, yeah! Oh, yeah!

South Park is goin' down!

Feel it comin'!

You ain't got a chance, South Park!

Here we go, Denver, here we go!

Who is that?

That's Tom Nelson, one of the Denver players' fathers.

He goes to every game in that ridiculous outfit and usually drinks too much and gets into a fight.

There ain't no way some little mountain kids can b*at Denver!

Not with my son on second base!

Oh, looks like we got some parental trash-talking going on.

Mr. Marsh, any comment?

Well, I think that there's a, uh...

Mr. Marsh?!

Who wants to hear from a Mr. Marsh?!

I am the ultimate Little League trash-talking father!

I am the Bat Dad!

All right, Mr. Nelson. Let's go. Come on.

Bat Dad knows no fear! Bat Dad knows no pain!

I want you, Marsh! I want you!

Well, tension is certainly high here, but I guess everything will be decided on the playing field.

Oh, my... God.

Good luck. You're gonna need it.

Yeah. You can't lose to us. We're terrible.

Dude, what are we gonna do? We can't win this game.

Wait. I've got it, you guys.

At this point in a sports movie, the team always goes out and finds a really sweet player to join their team.

Like that motorcycle kid in "Bad News Bears."

Exactly right, Clyde.

So what we need is to find somebody to join our team who totally sucks ass.

Hey, yeah.

We need to find the very worst kid athlete in the whole world, somebody who can't possibly win.

But who?

I know who.

Announcing the arrival of flight 673 from New York City.

I'm ba-a-a-ck!

There he is.

Don't let him know we think he's a loser, or else he won't play.

Hello, cousin Kyle.

Oh, Jesus. That flight was terrible.

They served a chicken dish with hot sauce, and it gave me gas.

Dude, thanks for helping us out by joining our team.

Well, you said you needed my help to win the big game, so here I am.

I'll need a wipe cloth if I'm gonna play, though.

Sometimes I sweat from holding the bat for so long, and then the heat steams up my glasses.

He's perfect. Yeah.

With him on our team, we don't stand a chance.

I'm not gonna go.

What?

Stan's Little League game.

I'm... I'm not gonna go.

Why?

I just... don't think I can, all right?

You don't think you can?

This is the biggest game of your son's life.

Why wouldn't you go and support him with...

Because I'm scared, all right?!

You want to break me down?! You want to hear me to say it?!

I'm scared!

I don't know if I believe in myself anymore.

I don't know if I can take this guy, Sharon.

So then don't.

You don't have to get in fights with other parents at Little League games.

Just sit there and watch.

Look, I get what you're trying to do.

You're trying to get me to realize that I have to fight him because it's who I am.

No, I'm telling you you don't have to get thrown out of games and make an ass of yourself!

I've lost the edge.

I'm sorry, Sharon, but you have to take Stan to his Little League game alone.

Welcome to the Colorado Little League state championship game.

This must be pretty exciting for these youngsters...

A chance to go to the national circuit.

You know what these guys look like to me?

A bunch of winners.

Yeah. We're about to get our asses kicked.

I don't think so. You guys are way too good.

You're the best at this game.

You're the best.

You guys are so good you'll probably go all the way to win the national title.

Not a chance, 'cause we're gonna lose to you right now!

Here we go, Denver!

These South Park kids got nothing on you!

Let's go, Denver!

Chris, will you sit down?

First up to bat for South Park, Kyle Schwartz.

Where do I stand?

Right over here.

Don't throw the ball too fast, because I may get startled, and I have asthma.

Strike one!

Yeah! All right!

Jesus! Not so close!

That was three feet away from hitting me in the head!

He's not gonna swing! Throw balls!

Oh, Jesus!

Strike two!

Yeah!

Wow! He is great at sucking.

We're gonna lose! We're gonna lose!

Don't throw it so hard or so close next time.

Is it cold out here? I think I need a jacket.

It's a bunt!

Run, kid, run!

Oh, Jesus!

Aw, crap!

I can't... I can't keep running like this.

I have corns in my feet.

Keep running, kid!

Throw the ball to third, you idiots!

He's running home!

Safe!

Oh, Jesus! Did you see that?

I hit a home run!

High five, everybody!

Oh, my God.

Their pitcher was able to hit him right on the bat.

Dude, we had it all wrong.

While we spent all our time trying to make our team suck, these guys practiced and got really good at sucking.

No!

Yeah! Go, Token, go!

All right, Denver! You're up to bat now!

Out!

Yay! Yay!

Jesus Christ! They can bat themselves out!

Our whole summer, dude.

We have to play this boring game all summer long.

Son of a biscuit!

It's the bottom of the last inning here at Coors Field.

The score is South Park 23, Denver 0.

Strike one!

Come on, Denver! Get the lead out!

Do not cross the Bat Dad!

Geez, I really wish this guy would shut up.

Why don't you just go home, South Park?!

You can't b*at Denver!

Denver sucks ass.

Come on, South Park! These kids can't play!

In fact, these kids are terrible.

Strike two!

Oh, Jesus! We're gonna win!

I-I've never won a sport before. This is so exciting.

It's over, Denver. South Park whupped your ass.

You better shut your mouth before I shut it for you!

What do you want to do, huh?

This can't get any worse.

Now for the finishing move!

You're about to be Bat-Dadded!

It all comes down to this.

South Park is just one pitch away from being state champions.

Oh, geez. It looks like two parents are fighting.

They'd better be careful.

The Little League has a no-tolerance policy.

Stop!

Stop or you're gonna get your teams disqualified!

Disqualified?

Fight! Keep fighting!

Break it up! Break it up!

That's enough!

The next person that fights is getting his team disqualified.

He's done for anyway.

Come on, Dad. Get up.

Get up! You have to fight!

All right. Come on. Let's play ball.

Randy! Randy! Randy!

Get up, Rock!

Get up, ya bum!

Get up, Randy! Fight! Fight for me!

Randy! Randy! Randy!

Randy! Randy! Randy!

Randy! Randy! Randy!

Hey, Bat Dad.

I didn't hear no bell.

Yeah!

Stop! Stop right now!

I'm the best around.

I'm warning you, sir.

The best around.

That's it! That's it! South Park is disqualified!

Yeah!

Aww!

South Park has been disqualified from the game.

Denver wins!

Aww!

We... We lost?

What?! What?! I thought it was a free country!

Dad!

You're the greatest.

You're the best around.

Nothing's gonna ever keep you down.

You're the best around.

And nothing's gonna ever keep you down.

You're the best around.

Nothing's gonna ever keep you down.

Down.

Fight to the end 'cause your life will depend.

On the strength that you have inside you.

Ah, got to be proud, standing out in the crowd.

When the odds in the game defy you.

You try your best to win them all.

And one day time will tell.

When you're the one that's standing there.

You'll reach the final bell.

You're the best