01x09 - Tricky Nipple

[bunniefuu]

What the hell is a baby sprinkle?

Is that contagious? Oh, it's like a baby shower, but because it's for my second child it's smaller, so they call it a sprinkle. Do you get it?

Yeah. You're having a second shower and calling it something different.

Aren't you still breastfeeding your first kid?

Speaking of breastfeeding... when did most of you stop?

I am now a full time resident of formula city.

Nice. Good for you. Not so much by choice.

Well, I still breastfeed both of my children.

Isn't your son 4? And a half.

Wow. I just quit.

Oh, God, I'm in hog heaven.

Now Frankie, are you prepared for the hormonal shift that can occur when you quit breastfeeding?

For many it's when postpartum sets in.

Okay. Well, I already had postpartum. Can't get it twice.

It's like chicken pox.

That is for sure not true, Frank.

Really?

Well, the good news is you have a therapist, and a lactation consultant at your service.

In fact, if any of you have any questions on the boob front.

Does it have to be strictly lactation related?

Oh no. Do you have a general breast query?

Oh yeah, Jenny, how is that nipple?

No infected. It's just complicated.

Tricky nipples pay my bills.

♪♪♪

Kate!

Is some one at the door? What the... hell?

(Kate laughs) What's all this?

Good morning, mister! What are you doing?

Surprise! I got us a couples massage.

What time is it?

I have to take a shower. This is...

No, wait hold on. Let's just do like a shorty.

It'll be a really nice way to start the day.

(Reluctant) Okay.

You guys this is Nathan.

He's cute, right?

Thank you.

He's got good hands. Doesn't he? Gene?

He's rubbed me down so many times.

Actually sorry, that just a little too much pressure.

(sighs) Are you relaxed?

Relaxed? I'm being held hostage on a card table.

So, listen, I was hoping we could talk about something.

You know, my favorite part of a massage is usually the silence.

(Laughs) No totally.

The thing it's about the Montreal job.

Kate, come on, I know you'd love to compete it out on this one, but we agreed that now is not the time.

Well, it's just hard to like agree on something if we haven't really discussed it.

Ow! I said, not so hard. I've got knots.

(Frustrated) God! Why is this table so damn slippery?

Oh, it's just the essential oils doing their thing.

(Sighs) Why do we have to have this discussion now?

I'm sorry, are you the only person who gets to decide when we discuss things?

All right, you wanna talk? Fine. You shouldn't go.

How are we supposed to have another kid when you're hundreds of miles away?

We're not, okay? I'm sorry, Nathan, but the idea of going through all of that again.

We've covered this? Only children are like aliens!

Only children are fine.

And their parents are sane, clean-haired people with careers and brunch plans.

I don't want brunch plans. I want another kid!

Yeah? Well, if you want another baby so damn bad you f*cking have it. 'Cause guess what?

Not only did I already submit my name for the job...

I got it.

Wow!

Wait. Hold on. Where are you going?

Nathan you're covered in Ylang-Ylang.

So, funny story: you remember that investment I made a little while ago?

Good news: big return.

Big return.

The bad news is: I thought I'd be able to access the money by now so it's gonna be a few more months... so...

So? We work; we have money.

Mhm. Yeah. Yeah.

I mean, in theory we do.

I'm waiting on a big check from a client and you're kinda part-timing it, so our cash flow it's kinda taking a bit of a pregnant pause.

Lionel, you're a contingency planner.

How do you not have a contingency plan for this?

I have one!

It's that you take on a few more patients.

Just for a little while To see us through--

Are you serious with this sh*t right now?

I kind of am. Yeah!

All right.

I can see you're thinking about this.

I will let you enjoy that bagel in peace.

Good talk. Good talk.

(Phone buzzes)

Hello?

Wendy: Frank! Where are ya?

Oh, hey Wendy. I'm ah... ah...

I'm just running some errands.

Well, don't forget you have to come in and sign those papers from Tuesday.

Yes, right. It's on, it's on the top of my list.

I'll be there first thing tomorrow.

And the photographer is coming to your place at five o'clock today to take your new headshot, remember to wear red.

Winners wear red!

Yep! Red shirt! I have one.

That's my girl. I will see you tomorrow!

Cool.

(Approaching footsteps)

(Groans)

Oh my God, Kate, you must be so excited!

Yeah. It's pretty awesome.

And the CEO of Gaze sent you a gift basket.

And I got to sign for it. We're both winners today!

Yeah. Nothing says respect like a dozen savory jams and a dessert wine.

So have you worked with her before?

No. But I've wanted to since I've started here.

I mean, as far as "working women" go, Stromanger is the man.

This is a woman who founded her own company all while raising three kids and being a black-belt in Judo.

Wow.

Is Judo the one with the sticks?

No. Hey, hey, what's this?

Oh, that's just um--

You got Montreal. I did.

(Sighs) You know what, Kate?

I am not at all surprised.

As high as my hopes might have been, I pretty much knew you'd get it; and you deserve it.

Thanks, Mo. That means a lot to me.

It makes sense that the more seasoned, older person get the job.

Yeah. I guess that does make sense.

And I mean, this is like, it's last chance if you think about it.

If they hadn't offered you this, it would have been like, "hello glass ceiling!"

Thanks for stopping by, Mo. Okay.

Rosie, what are you doing?

Smelling your jams.

And remember to do your kegels.

They really help with the incontinence.

Oh... and with sex.

Jenny! What a fabulous surprise!

(Jenny winces) Oh! What happened?

I...

I need your help.

Oh. I thought this might be a social call.

No. But... we can be social while you help me...?

Yes, we can!

Now sit down and show me your tits.

♪♪♪ Do you feel like you might be repeating a pattern?

What'd'you mean, "a pattern"?

Like, it's not my fault that all the guys I meet are commitment phobic narcissists with bad credit, is it?

...and he raised the rent, so now... now I have to move.

That must be quite upsetting.

Well, he's Jewish, so, you know.

So, I wanna have kids, and he says he doesn't, but I think he's just scared, so I took out my IUD and I haven't told him.

You had your IUD removed? No. I took it out.

It was so painful.

I really don't think that you are supposed to do that.

I mean, it's not a tampon.

No, I found the string and just--

You know what? I'm not sure that I really even recommend having kids. I mean, it has its moments, but they put a serious cramp in my day.

From conception on, they're like these little jerks that never really appreciate anything at all.

Um... are you okay? (Burps) Yeah.

Of course I am. I'm fine. It's just that you said some really inappropriate stuff just now.

Says the girl who pulled an IUD out of her body like she was picking carrots. Look, these things aren't pets.

Okay, you can't leave them at home with a bowl of water while you go out.

And you want to do this without even consulting your partner?

What?! Are you crazy?

Why is this room spinning?

(Fainting moan, falling thud)

Anne! What happened!

She fainted.

Fran, I fell on my stomach.

Okay. Okay. Let's get you in the car.

I feel like I should come! No, stay!

Okay. Easy!

I k*lled this baby. I k*lled it, I know I did.

I'm sure the baby's fine and if it's not, it is NOT your fault.

Did you know I've been referring to this baby as a "virus"?

Well, it has been making you throw up, like a virus.

No. I did this. Okay? I wished this away.

I like k*lled it with my mind or something, like I was some kind of weird witch... I...

Sorry. I didn't...

It sounds like you're being really hard on yourself.

Also, that's not how witchcraft works.

You'd have had to used a spell.

(Knocks)

Enter at your own risk!

Oh, Richard, is this a bad time?

Ah, Kate! No. Come on in!

I'm just being silly.

You know what they call me, "Silly Richard."

I did not know that. Sit down.

Oh. What's up?

Well, I was hoping to discuss Montreal-job-logistics.

Right. Okay. Uh... can you leave in a week?

Oh wow. Really?

Uh... yeah. Yeah.

I just have to tie up some loose ends, like... like my family's wellbeing. (Awkward chuckle)

Did Nathan take the news all right?

Oh, yea-- honestly... he was very supportive.

Gave me a big old hug and was like go get 'em!

You've worked really hard for this.

I'm so proud of you.

You're like the son I never had.

Oh, thanks, Richard. You're like the dad I nev- like another dad that I... have.

Oh, Victoria Stromanger sent me a beautiful gift basket.

Really? Yeah.

Which reminds me, do you have any tips on Victoria?

Well, s-she likes a firm handshake.

But she's from Montreal.

Doesn't she do the whole "kiss-kiss" thing?

Oh, yeah, yeah, both.

She wants to feel the confidence in the hand and the French Canadianism in the mouth.

Got it. So, firm hand and mouth.

What are her kids names again?

I don't think she's ever mentioned them.

It's like woman in the work place 101... I like it.

You're gonna be so great. You know that.

Come on, give me one of those famous hugs.

(Small chuckle, pats her back)

This in not "sexual harassment" of any kind.

No, Richard. You're fine. Okay. Okay.

So, what seems to be the problem?

Well-- You got a clog?

No, I-- Chapped nips? Bleeding?

You got bloody nipples? Oh!

Yeah, I kind of pierced my nipple and I guess it got infected.

I love nipple rings.

This is fun.

This should help with the pain.

(Spritzes, gasps with relief)

Okay, what'd'ya wanna do here?

You wanna take this thing out?

You think I could keep it?

Or is it too far gone?

I just kinda feel like doing this was kinda like a rebirth.

Does it sound stupid? Girl, I get it.

This one time, in university, I d*ed my hair brown.

It was nuts!

Sometimes you gotta do something crazy to remember who you are.

(Gasps in pain)

Ooh... (Winces)

Can I stop breastfeeding, or will I be a terrible mom?

Formula exists for a reason.

If you're done, you're done.

You go, girl.

Okay...

I am all set here.

Where should I stand?

Right there works.

(Shutter clicks)

Hey, um... did you want a second to, um...

My hair? Yeah.

Yeah, you try taming this beast, right?

Yeah.

Better?

Um... hah.

Okay. Can we just take the photo, please?

Sure. Great. Could you move a couple inches to your right.

Okay. (Shutter clicks)

Maybe a little smile? You know?

People wanna buy houses from happy people, right?

Yeah? Okay.

(Shutter clicks)

There you go.

(Shutter clicks)

Is everything okay?

Yeah. I'm fine. Just keep going.

Okay. I can. It's just that I'm too sure that people want this staring back at them from a bench.

Or is it exactly what they want?

No?

Well, the baby's fine! What?

Yeah, you probably just fainted because you have low blood pressure, which is pretty normal. I don't understand.

I fell on him... Well, he or she... is a doing great because this little baby... trooper.

Oh. You wanna hear the heartbeat?

No! I'm... that's... I'm okay. Thank you.

Excuse me for a moment.

I'll be right back.

This is a good thing, right?

What? Yeah, yeah-yeah.

Of course it is.

You don't seem happy.

I guess I was just thinking that if this baby were gone, that might be a good thing.

You know, like they say that that babies are blessings, but maybe the absence of a baby can be a blessing too?

For sure. I have no kids and I feel super blessed.

f*ck, we can't afford this. You guys are broke?

Okay, Anne.

It appears you have a subchorionic hematoma.

What the f*ck is that?

Basically, you have a pool of blood between your uterus and your placenta.

It could be fine, but it could lead to a miscarriage; so if you start bleeding, it'll mean bed rest.

I don't do bed rest. You still working?

Yes.

Personally, I don't believe pregnant women should work.

I'm sorry that life has left you in those circumstances.

Yeah.

Are we done? Can I go? Yeah.

Great.

♪♪♪ I have it! Have what?

The name of the movie!

Father Daze!

Get it? Get what?

Well, it's like Father's Day, except there is more than one day... and you're kind of in a daze?

Oh y-your dad movie. Yeah!

How's the Kickstarter doing?

You know, that's not really important.

Do you wanna hear a scene?

Well, does it depict you pushing a baby out of your vag*na? Wait, are you mixing formula?

Yeah. I stopped breastfeeding.

Whoa. No discussion? Nothing.

Look, it hurts and I don't want to do it anymore.

There is the discussion.

Hold on. Close your eyes.

I knew this day would come.

And, as a stay at home dad, you know, I kinda wondered how I'd deal with it.

Like, the transition or whatever.

What. Is. That? This is how I'm gonna be able to bond with Zoe like no father has ever been able to bond with his daughter before.

You know, except for the other guys who've bought this and used this, but...

Honey...

(Door opens) The nurse was so weird.

Oh my God, baby. I am so sorry.

I was in a meeting, I didn't realize I wasn't getting cell reception. Are you okay?

Yeah, it's fine. Just relax. Everything is cool.

Okay. Good. Sit down. Sit down.

So... what happened?

Lionel, I'm gonna tell you what happened, but I need you to promise me, and I mean promise me that you're gonna trust me to manage my own health.

Okay, okay, I promise-ish.

I have low blood pressure, which is why I fainted

(under her breath) and a... subchorionic hematoma.

Oh my God! The placenta is separating from the uterus?!

Lionel! I told you not to read those pregnancy websites.

Look, I am fine. The baby's fine. We're fine.

But if she starts bleeding-- If she starts bleeding, what?

Oh my god if you start bleeding, what?

He said that I would need bed rest, but that hasn't happened, right?

So I say that we just of kind pretend like today never happened.

Fine. But promise me you'll rest if you're tired, you'll eat if you're hungry and you will ask for a hug if you need one.

And you, you're my stand-in hugger.

No? No.

We'll get someone else.

♪♪♪

(Babies coo)

Um, is my son on a playdate?

I've infiltrated the Filipino nanny ring.

You're welcome.

In other news, Nathan is making Chinese noodles?

Should we be worried?

Yeah, we got in a pretty serious fight this morning.

Oh, was it about the way you chew with your mouth open.

No Sarah, it wasn't because I can't help that.

It was about this promotion.

I'm moving to Montreal for three months.

And your success angers him, why?

Because I'm being selfish.

No! You're being awesome.

I'm sorry if Nathan's pissed but if you don't go, I'll be pissed, and I'm not opposed to purple nurples after puberty.

Do not do that. Three months isn't that long.

Would you be willing to stay on until I get back?

I'm sorry; where was I going? Were you gonna fire me too?

Uh-uh. You'd be saving my ass.

And I'm sure the money doesn't hurt, right?

Pfft. I'm the voice of a cartoon.

I have money. Lots of money. All right.

I am doing this because I am your sister and I love you.

Settle down.

Thank you.

(as Holly the Honey Badger) You're welcome, Katie.

I gotta go!

Good luck with that. Yeah!

See ya, dude. See ya!

(Loud bang!) Oh!

So you're making Chinese noodles, which means you're self-soothing, which means you're probably still pretty mad.

Wow, you been promoted to detective?

(Loud bang!) Hi. Yeah.

Maybe we have this conversation later?

I thought fighting in front of strangers was our new thing.

And if you're moving to Montreal...

It's just three months. (Loud bang!)

Just three months of me being a single parent and your son being a motherless child.

He'll still have a mother, okay?

She's just gonna be on FaceTime for a while.

What is so great about this job?

What's so great about it, is that I worked really hard for it, and I want it.

Shouldn't that be enough? You lied to me.

You made a major life decision without considering me or your son.

All I do is consider the both of you.

Okay but... I'm sorry, but this is bullshit.

May I have some water?

Yeah.

Look, we're gonna be fine financially.

My job can cover us.

I'm sorry, did this just shift into a conversation about me quitting? No! I mean, not for a little while.

Nathan, I'm about to make a significant raise.

Because of me we could potentially get out of debt.

Well, f*ck me, I guess you don't even need me, Kate.

Should maybe I go? Yes.

Loving the sound of that.