[theme music]
♪ Ahhh ahh ahh ahhh ♪
♪ Aaah ♪
♪ Whatever happened to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman the paper boy ♪
♪ Evenin' TV ♪
♪ When did I get delivered here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's confusin' me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪ ♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold onto ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Dooby do ba ba dow ♪
[instrumental music]
‐ Alright. ‐ And the diaper is on!
Beautiful! 17 minutes.
We beat our old record by 37 minutes.
‐ Baby wipe. ‐ Baby wipe.
Ohh..
‐ Whup! ‐ Pah!
‐ Alright. ‐ Hold it.
I'm about to make a quantum leap in diaper theory.
Go with it. Go with it.
If we triple the diaper we get three times the protection but we change her 1/3rd as often.
Loving it. Loving it.
We put two diapers together and..
...Michelle Tanner, come on down!
You know the other way to go is to tie a hefty bag around her waist.
That way, we'd only have to change her on trash day.
Junior jammy time.
Huh?
‐ It's you. ‐ Alright.
Here we go. We put the leg in like so.
We simply, uh..
We tie! We tie. We simply tie like this.
Very nice.
Whoa. Snag in the plan.
I suggest we go with a lovely 2‐piece ensemble from baby Armani.
Using your head, Joseph. Using your head.
Alright. Hey!
Um..
Here we go. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yuppie baby!
Oh, this is good.
Okay, I got the girls in..
‐ Ta‐da! ‐ Ta‐da!
Gentlemen, Tarzan, who was raised in the jungle by apes went to bed in better shape than that baby.
Big deal, you're talking about a guy who wore diapers his entire life.
I really appreciate the effort but I'll take it from here.
Oh, yeah, sure, now that all the work is done.
Goodnight, Michelle.
[high voice] Goodnight, Uncle Jesse.
Next time you see me I'll have a big surprise for you.
I don't care how many diapers I have on.
He, he, he!
Give me my kid.
Aw..
You really are a good sport.
[Jesse humming]
‐ Hi, Uncle Jesse. ‐ 'How you doin', kid?'
‐ What happened to my room? ‐ Looks pretty cool, huh?
Look at this, I'm hanging Elvis up right here.
Over my bunnies?
Well, Steph, your bunnies are very, uh..
...pink.
My mom made those bunnies just for me.
Don't you like them?
These bunnies.
I love these bunnies.
I'm sure Elvis had bunnies hanging all over Graceland.
Okay, it's riddle time.
What has blonde hair, purple pajamas and is up way past their bedtime?
Um, Elvis?
Steph, the Sandman Express is comin'.
[harmonica music]
All aboard!
Whoo‐whoo!
You see that?
Any of your ape friends do that for Tarzan?
Last stop, Stephanie's bed.
Thank you, Sandman Express.
The Sandman Express runs every night.
If I get on now will you drop me off at the nearest hotel?
Okay, let's say goodnight.
Alright, goodnight, junior babes.
Uncle Jesse, tell us a bedtime story.
Uncle Jesse doesn't know any bedtime stories.
Yes, he does.
‐ No, he doesn't. ‐ Yes, he does.
No, he doesn't.
Yes, he does!
‐ I'll make one up! Why? ‐ Yay!
Alright, fellas, help me out here.
We'll make it a game.
Steph, you start the story, and you girls point to us when you want someone else to take over.
Okay!
Once upon a time there was a pretty girl named Cinderella.
Daddy!
And, uh, Cinderella wanted to go to this big fancy ball.
And on the way she wandered into this cabin and she fell asleep in papa bear's bed.
I don't think so.
No, wait, honey, it gets better.
So she's on the bed, she's out like a light when all of a sudden‐‐
[imitating buzzer] Joey.
Um, when Cinderella woke up she was real thirsty so she went to 7‐Eleven for a Slurpee where she ran into, Bullwinkle!
So Bullwinkle says..
[imitating Bullwinkle] Hello, Cinderella.
Would you like to come to the ball with me?
Not only am I a great dancer but you can hang your coat on my antlers.
Kids love this stuff. So‐‐
[imitating buzzer] Uncle Jesse.
So, Cinderella, Bullwinkle, they get married, right?
They go on "The Newlywed Game" and they win a grand prize selected especially for them.
Goodnight.
[imitating buzzer] Daddy.
Until..
The big bad wolf came over.
And he said, open up or I'll huff and I'll puff and I'll blow your house down!
And I can do it, too, because as we all know wolves have an amazing lung capacity.
[imitating buzzer]
‐ Joey. ‐ So‐‐
[imitating buzzer] Uncle Jesse.
So the wolf, the moose, the babe they all fell in love, right.
They moved to Sweden where people are a lot more cooler about that sort of thing.
And that's the end of the story. Goodnight and goodbye.
No monsters, no witches, but that story was very scary.
Okay, sweetheart. It's time to go to bed.
Can I ask one more favor?
Sure, honey. What is it?
Study these storybooks.
We'll talk about them in the morning.
Okay. Who wants "Puddle Duck And The Quack Quack g*ng"?
‐ Read it. ‐ Read it.
[instrumental music]
Hello, Joey, Danny, how you guys doing? Goodnight.
Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it, guys. Red light!
Guys, the only way that three adults can leave the house at the same time is if three children are with them.
Two adults can leave. One adult can leave.
Three, two, or one child can leave
'with one to three adults.'
But three adults can never leave with less than three children, got it?
Look, that's all fascinating stuff but I've gotta get to band rehearsal.
Yeah, and I have a 10:30 slot the Laugh Machine.
I have to do the sports at 10 o'clock.
I'm sorry, Jesse.
What do you mean, I'm sorry, Jesse?
Why not, I'm sorry, Joey, or I'm sorry, Danny?
Because I have an actual job that pays money.
And I bring the gift of laughter into the world. At 10:30.
Yes, well I make music.
Songs that touch people's hearts that penetrate their very souls.
Now, how can you compare that to telling..
...jokes?
Are you seriously trying to tell me that music is more important than comedy?
You got it, pal.
Two words, Ozzy Osbourne.
Two more words, Rip Taylor.
"The Partridge Family."
Anyone on "Hee Haw".
Charo.
Bozo.
Hey, Bozo did some brilliant work.
Oh, yeah, right, right. The early Bozo was real good.
I'm sorry.
Okay, we'll settle this the only truly fair way.
Ready? Go!
(Joey) Once again, comedy kicks music's butt!
I'm sorry, man. All three girls are sleeping like angels.
I know I can trust you, Jesse.
‐ If there's even a‐‐ ‐ Yeah, yeah. Go live your life.
Hey, babe, it's fine.
I'll just give up my dreams to be a success in the music business.
I'll sit home and read Hunny‐Bunny In The Wee Little Glen.
‐ I couldn't put it down. ‐ Get out of here.
(both) Hi, Uncle Jesse.
Hi, girls.
Girls! You're supposed to be in bed!
Girls! Whoa!
'Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!'
Girls, girls, aren't you supposed to be in bed dreaming about Tweety Bird or Big Bird or Larry Bird or something?
Uncle Jesse, if we get hungry dad always makes sure we have a late‐night snack.
We're gonna have ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk.
‐ And cookies! ‐ Freeze, chick!
Alright, I know. I'm pretty hip here.
You guys think I'm‐I'm an idiot or somethin'?
Let me tell you somethin'. I know what's goin' on here.
Your dad's gone and it's let's take advantage of the baby‐sitter time.
Well, I got news for you, girls.
Your Uncle Jesse's a little too sharp to be taken on that kinda ride.
Now, you can have ice cream and chocolate milk. No cookies.
Yay!
Okay.
♪ Z my name is zippy ♪
♪ And my husband's name is Zorro ♪
♪ We come from San Francisco ♪
♪ With a carload of zebras ♪
♪ A my name is Alice.. ♪ That's enough jump rope.
Let's do the hand‐jive.
Ok, but I can't stop jumping.
I may never sleep again.
Thanks.
Two bowls of ice cream sure gives you a lot of pep, huh?
Does pep mean you can't blink?
That's pep.
Party time!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Fellas, I got three little girls upstairs, sound asleep.
Sticks.
Licorice.
'Alright.'
Here we go. Jumping Jack Flash in "B."
Ready? One, two, three, go!
♪ I was born ♪
♪ In a cross‐fire hurricane.. ♪
What's the matter? Someone out of tune?
Do you guys know any bangles stuff?
Whoa! Whoa! Girls!
You're supposed to be in bed!
What would your dad say about this?
He wouldn't mind, he'd say we're lucky to have a chance to listen to the greatest rock band in the world.
Oh, well, if you put it that way. Yeah, okay.
Great hair! Could you show me how to do that?
Sure. It's real easy. Just sprays right on.
[doorbell rings]
‐ Oh, that's for me. ‐ Whoa!
Oh, I bet my dad forgot to tell you about our 11 o'clock pizza.
‐ Hi. How much? ‐ 11.50.
Did the cheese slide off or stick to the box?
No.
Keep it.
Hey, do you mind if I check out the band?
Come in. Open party.
Alright, girls, listen here now.
It's almost midnight.
You guys listen to two, three songs max, you eat your pie then straight to bed, no nonsense.
Boy, are you strict!
Alright, here we go!
[rock music]
[rock music]
♪ Little sister don't you run ♪
♪ Little sister don't you run ♪
♪ Little sister don't you kiss me once or twice ♪
♪ And say it's very nice ♪
♪ And then you run ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Little sister don't you do ♪
♪ What your big sister done ♪ Conga!
[upbeat music]
Boy, are you gonna get it.
[instrumental music]
Attention, Solid Gold, farm team.
It's 12:15, and your hair is purple.
Get down, and I don't mean get funky.
Boys, boys, boys.
Walk with me.
Talk with me.
How could you possibly let this happen?
Hold it, on behalf of Joey I would just like to say that Joey is innocent.
Well, it's true I was doing a conga when you walked in but...I conga a lot.
[sighs]
My name is Joey, and I'm a congaholic.
Well, it's way past our bedtime.
Come on, Steph. Goodnight, everybody.
Girls, get back over here!
You're in just as much trouble as they are.
Dad, I know we're supposed to be‐‐ D.J., hang on a second.
Um, it's not the girls' fault. It's mine.
I invited the band over.
I woke the girls up.
I ordered pizza.
I was throwin' a party. I needed chicks.
[Michelle crying]
Baby alert! Baby alert!
You girls get right in bed. You guys follow me.
And if that baby's hair is purple..
You were irresponsible. You were unreliable.
I'll get back to you.
Oh, Michelle. Aw, honey, it's okay.
Daddy's here.
I see what this is.
Michelle's getting a new tooth.
Aw, that really hurts.
I had nothin' to do with it.
Poor baby.
Imagine a sharp, pointy, calcified projectile ripping and knifing its way through your soft, tender, inflamed gum tissues.
I say we buy her a pony.
Sometimes a teething ring helps.
Here, Michelle. Here you go.
Here, honey.
She loves it.
Is this anything like catching the bouquet?
Am I the next one to have a baby?
Alright, excuse me, fellas. Let the pro in.
I'll show you how it's done.
Alright, little munchkin, where does it hurt?
Wait a minute, give my finger back, kid.
[crying]
Well, your brain's not working tonight but your finger's doin' great.
Joey, do me a favor.
I put one of Michelle's teething rings in the freezer.
I'd like a word alone with the alleged babysitter.
Jesse, I guess it's a bad time to ask for that girl singer's phone number.
Get out!
Well, well, well.
What? What? What?
Shame, shame, shame.
I feel like I'm being chewed out in the Grand Canyon.
I suppose I should be happy the house is still standing.
I must have been crazy to think that you were adult enough to take care of my kids.
You really let me down.
Wait a minute! Where you going?
Oh, I thought I'd call up the Beastie Boys and ask them if they wanna take the girls to the park tomorrow.
You love this, don't you?
Uncle Jesse's the best babysitter we ever had.
Yeah, but I think he's in big trouble.
[knock on door] Get into bed.
No, no, no. Your bed!
[snoring]
Girls?
Are you awake?
Dad, is that you?
Is it morning?
D.J., Stephanie, please come over here right now.
Girls, we have a problem with Uncle Jesse.
Oh, no, dad, we didn't have any problems with Uncle Jesse at all.
I'm sorry. He was just so irresponsible.
What is this?
Uh‐oh. Empty bowls and empty cartons.
Oh, now I see what happened.
Uncle Jesse forced ice cream sundaes and chocolate milk down your throats and then he hid the evidence under your table.
Ah, the sick fiend.
He probably ignored you when you told him no sweets after bedtime, huh?
Probably.
No probably about it because otherwise you'd be lying.
And you know better than that, don't you?
Probably.
Well, that does it.
I guess asking Uncle Jesse to move in here was just a big mistake.
In fact, this may be a matter for the police.
Now, sweet dreams, my perfect little angels.
‐ Daddy! ‐ Dad!
We were bad.
We did everything.
We even ordered the pizza.
We should all go apologize to Uncle Jesse.
You're right.
You go first.
Are you gonna punish us?
Before you answer that.
We saved you a slice of pizza.
Good point, Michelle.
The thing I wonder is..
What's life all about anyway?
I mean, 24 hours ago, I was a relatively cool guy.
Today I'm a six foot teething ring.
Yeah, alright, bed time. We're goin' to my bed.
Come with me. Come on. Let's go.
Okay, hang on. I'll put it back.
There you go.
Uncle Jesse.
Whatever it is, the answer is no.
We just wanted to say thanks for trying to keep us out of trouble.
The only reason we took advantage of you is because you had no idea what you were doing.
From now on, we'll be good and do whatever you say.
Steph, don't get crazy.
We'll try to do better.
You can cover up my bunnies if you want.
That's alright. Your bunnies are starting to grow on me.
We really love you.
Well, I love you girls, too.
But next time you pull that stuff on me..
...I'm still gonna love you.
Aww!
Okay, now either you girls go to bed for real or I'm taking everything out of your room and turning it into a 24‐hour minimart.
Goodnight, everybody.
Goodnight, daddy, goodnight, Michelle.
‐ Goodnight, Uncle Jesse. ‐ Goodnight, honey.
‐ Hi. ‐ Hi.
Want a slice of pizza?
No. Me and the little leech are gonna try to get some sleep.
I couldn't find Michelle's teething ring so I got the next best thing..
An ice cold carrot.
What? I could've brought the fish sticks but you guys would've thought I was an idiot.
Look, Jesse..
I want you to know that was really nice of you to take the rap for D. J. and Stephanie.
And I'm real sorry I got so crazy before walking around you going, "well, well, well."
It's cool, cool, cool.
The girls just mean so much to me especially now, you know, since Pam's gone.
I know what you're sayin', man.
I worry about them, too. They're my nieces.
But I don't know nothin' about this kid stuff.
Yeah, I know, but both you guys, you gotta remember don't be afraid to say no.
‐ Kids need limits. ‐ What am I supposed to know?
I been here 12 hours, you expect me to be Robert Young.
Now, wait, I'm confused.
Is it Robert Young from "Father Knows Best" or Robert Young, "Dr. Welby?"
This is gonna take some time.
But we can make this work if we want it to work.
Jesse, you do want this to work, don't you?
Well, at first, I wasn't sure but..
Oh, when I saw that kid telling me I could cover her bunnies up and..
...I was looking at that little baby in my arms counting on me to stop her from being in pain I don't know man, I got all warm and tingly..
Somebody stop me.
You know, I'm just happy to be here.
I was an only child.
All I had was imaginary brothers and sisters.
It feels great to be in a real house with real people. Right, Leon?
Give me my kid.
Okay, Michelle.
It's time to go to bed.
Yeah.
♪ Lullaby ♪
♪ And goodnight ♪
♪ And there's more words I'm not sure of ♪ Conga!
♪ Da da da da da daa ♪
♪ Da da da da da daa ♪
♪ Da da da da da daa.. ♪ What the hell?
♪ Da da da da da daa ♪ Come on, Leon.
[instrumental music]
[theme music]