[theme music]
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
♪ Ahh ♪
♪ Whatever happened to predictability ♪
♪ The milkman the paper boy evenin' TV ♪
♪ How did I get to livin' here ♪
♪ Somebody tell me please ♪
♪ This old world's confusin' me ♪
♪ Clouds as mean as you've ever seen ♪
♪ Ain't a bird who knows your tune ♪
♪ Then a little voice inside you whispers ♪
♪ Kid don't sell your dreams so soon ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a heart ♪ ♪ There's a heart ♪
♪ A hand to hold on to ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪ ♪ Everywhere ♪
♪ There's a face ♪
♪ Of somebody who needs you ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ When you're lost out there ♪
♪ And you're all alone ♪
♪ A light is waiting to carry you home ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Everywhere you look ♪
♪ Doobie do bah bah da ♪
[instrumental music]
So Kimmy, you gotta be the first one to class tomorrow to get the seats in the back row.
Okay.
Why?
Because it's the best place to pass notes.
I love the way your mind works.
This outfit is all wrong.
Tomorrow's the first day of kindergarten and I have nothing to wear.
Your bed is full of clothes.
Yeah, but they're not me.
Well, they're me, but they're the preschool me.
I'll sit anywhere you want as long as it's not near Arthur Wilcox.
‐ Arthur Wilcox, eew! ‐ Arthur Wilcox, eew!
Who's Arthur Wilcox?
‐ Eew! ‐ Eew!
Steph, please, Kimmy and I are talking about school.
(Stephanie) 'So am I.'
What if I walk into class wearing a goofy outfit and everyone says, "Stephanie Tanner, eew"?
Would you stop worrying?
Kindergarten is so easy.
The only thing you have to know is the pledge of allegiance.
The what?
(together) I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States Of America and to the republic for which it stands
'one nation under god, indivisible' with liberty and justice for all.
I'm dead meat.
Kimmy, your mom's downstairs.
Said you were supposed to be home a half hour ago.
Uh‐oh, that's the third time today.
She's gonna k*ll me.
Don't panic. Just set your watch back a half hour.
I love the way your mind works.
Uncle Jesse, how do I look?
Like a bag lady.
What happened to Michelle?
Well, your sister Michelle tried to eat her dinner by pushing it through her face.
Yeah, we'd better give her a bath.
That's a good idea..
Do we know how to do that?
Sure, it's just like giving a puppy a bath.
You know, only there's a little less tail to clean.
Right.
[instrumental music]
(Jesse) 'Hey, Joey, the kid's ready.'
(Joey) 'So am I.'
This is the most terrifying shower scene since "Psycho".
Hey, it's alright, pal.
Here, you go to your Uncle Joey there.
There you go.
Joey, the baby has better muscle tone than you do.
And what do you bench?
If we missed anything stupid would you start all over?
Girls, get out. Go to bed. Get outta here.
Don't worry, Joy will do something just as stupid tomorrow.
Listen, you got a call from the Laugh Machine.
Somebody got sick, you have to go on at
9:30 instead of 1:30.
9:30! That's prime time! Yes!
Jess, what do I open with?
How 'bout a joke?
Perfect. Thank god you're here.
Ah, okay, I've made a decision. I'll open with a joke.
What's my best joke?
That outfit.
D.J., are you asleep?
I can't tell. I think I'm blind.
Will you look at one more outfit?
Steph, I've seen your entire wardrobe twice.
Okay.
Wanna listen to the pledge?
I pledge allegiance to the flag of some states of America.
I'm gonna tuck you in.
Very tight.
And to the public which understands..
With God..
...and liberty..
I'm dead meat.
Okay, she's clean.
You could eat off this baby.
Hey, Jess, thanks for helping me out with the baby.
Uh, no problem, I got a date tonight with a dancer but not till midnight.
Another exotic dancer?
For your information, Joseph I happen to be dating a ballerina.
Okay, she's a topless ballerina.
Good luck tonight, pal.
Uh, yeah, tonight.
9:30.
This could be the big break I've been waiting for, Jess.
I've been at this comedy stuff since I was four years old when I did my first impression.
Ever since then, all's I wanted to do was make people happy.
This making any sense to you?
Oh, yeah, I know what you're saying.
See, Joey, you're talking about that magical moment when all of the sudden you know what you want to do with your life.
It happened to me when I was six.
I turned the TV on there was Elvis Presley in "King Creole".
He actually played a two‐fisted fun‐loving, girl‐chasing singing busboy.
They stole that Oscar from him.
Robbed him blind.
Anyway, Elvis made me feel that music was somethin' special, you know?
I gotta be honest with you, when he started singing "Hardheaded Woman" huh, forget about it, I was touched.
I mean, I was like.. Goes like this.
♪ A hardheaded woman A soft‐hearted man ♪
♪ Been the source of trouble ever since the world began ♪ Jess, Jess, Jess..
...you are great.
Man, you, you got all the moves.
Well, I feel it, you know, I feel it.
I'm doing this lip thing, you know which is new.
Sing another song, would you? Please?
For Michelle. She loves music.
Alright I need a scarf, I need.. Here we go, here we go.
Alright, get a load of this.
♪ Love me tender ♪
♪ Love me sweet ♪
♪ Never let me go ♪
♪ You have made my life complete ♪
♪ And I love you so ♪
♪ Love me tender ♪
♪ Love me.. ♪
Oh, my God.
What? We were just giving the kid a bath.
Then why isn't she in the tub?
Because Joey's in the tub and I'm in the tub and there's not enough room for, you know, all of us.
It's obvious I‐I really am intruding.
I'm gonna put Michelle in her crib.
I'm gonna go check on my other girls and just leave you two sailors to your suds and your singing.
♪ Love me tender ♪
♪ Love me true ♪
♪ Never let me.. ♪
Hi, daddy.
Hi, dad.
Why is everybody awake?
I'll show you.
I'm ready for school.
Honey, you're ready for the prom.
You said this would be good.
Hey, if you can't have fun with your little sister then what's the point in having one?
[instrumental music]
‐ Good morning, boys. ‐ Good morning, Paw, Hoss.
Little Joe.
How'd it go last night?
Oh, well, I started out great, but in the middle I‐‐ No, no, I‐I meant in the bathtub with Hoss.
Look, I finished "Love Me Tender" we did a short medley from "Viva Las Vegas" and got the hell out of the tub.
Dad, we're all ready.
Girls, I don't wanna brag but chef boy‐r‐dad has made some super great lunches for a super great first day of school.
And you know what, Stephanie?
For you I've got a brand‐new lunch box.
"The Jetsons".
Hi, I'm home.
Hi, Jane. Hi, Elroy. Hi, Astro.
[imitating Astro] Ri, Rorge. Rrr rrr rrr..
And, D. J., for you I've got a brand‐new Barbie lunch box.
I don't do Barbie.
Oh, darn.
Thanks, dad, but fifth‐graders don't carry lunch boxes anymore.
Try to sell it to a first‐grader.
Come on, Steph. We don't wanna miss our bus.
‐ I guess not. ‐ Wait, girls.
Stephanie..
Honey, are you sure you don't want me to go with you?
Don't worry, dad. I'll make sure she's okay.
Yeah. It'll be fun.
Oh, you girls are really growin' up.
Stephanie's starting school.
Wait here, I'm gonna get my video camera. Don't move.
Okay, just come in when I tell you to, okay?
When I say action. Okay, now give me love. Action.
♪ Is this the little girl I carried ♪
♪ Is this the little girl at play ♪
♪ I don't remember growing older ♪
♪ When did they ♪
♪ Sunrise sunset ♪
♪ Sunrise sunset ♪
♪ Swiftly flow the years ♪
♪ One season following another ♪
♪ Laden with happiness ♪
♪ and tears ♪
My little baby's starting school.
I changed my mind.
I'm not going.
[instrumental music]
Steph, honey, what do you mean you're not going to school?
I don't feel good.
Maybe I'll go next year.
You don't look sick.
Is that better?
Well, your face is almost there.
Give it kind of a..
Like that and Throw in a real hacking cough.
[coughing]
Come on, you're gonna miss the bus.
Steph, are you okay?
See? Now you're tricking people.
D.J., you go on ahead.
Steph's a little nervous about her first day at school.
I'll make sure she gets there.
Okay, Steph, see you there.
Stephanie. Wait a minute.
Where are you going?
Steph, I wanna talk to you.
Sweetheart, don't you wanna go to school and be smart?
I'll stay home and watch public television.
Come on, Steph, spill your guts.
Why don't you wanna go to school?
Because I don't know anybody.
I'll be all alone.
It'll be real scary.
I won't know anybody and I won't have any friends.
Aww.
Steph..
You're going to make friends, I promise.
You and I, we're gonna go down there together.
And daddy's not gonna leave until everything's alright.
Yeah, you're just nervous 'cause it's your first day.
See, first times can be scary, but they can be exciting, too.
I remember a real exciting first time for me.
I was 14.
I went out with this incredible college girl Marissa Dellacrue.
We went to the drive‐in.
First I was, you know, kinda nervous and a little scared.
But then Marissa, she kinda..
I don't know, she got kinda friendly and..
Let's just say first times can be great.
Not a helpful story.
But darn entertaining.
[instrumental music]
Okay. I came to kindergarten.
‐ We can go home now. ‐ Steph, wait a minute.
Honey, sweetheart.. Baby, don't worry.
You're gonna feel much better as soon as you meet someone.
Oh, look! Here comes a nice little girl right now.
I'm never going back in there again!
Never, never, never!
No!
Let's wait for another little girl.
One who has a better outlook on life.
I know, we'll just..
W‐we'll play for a while and ease our way into this, okay?
Come here. Oh, look, honey, it's a slide.
Your very favorite.
This is like the lollipop they give before the big shot, isn't it?
Oh, no, no, no.
Why didn't I bring a lollipop?
Here, come on, honey.
We're going to play on the slide.
Here we go. This is fun.
Whee!
'Oh, whee!'
Oh, yeah. That was fun.
Now it's my turn. Here I go.
Here we go. Whee!
Here I go!
Whee!
You know, if we're having this much fun outside the class just imagine the "Barrel Of Monkeys" waiting for us inside, huh?
Ooh‐ah!
Oh, Michelle.
Oh, honey.
What's wrong, sweetheart?
She's scared, too.
See what she did?
Ooh, yeah. She's got a pamper full of fright.
I'm gonna go change her real quick.
Sweetheart, I want you to wait inside the class, okay?
Okay, but I don't know anybody in there.
Hey, Steph. What's shaking?
Uncle Jesse, what are you doing here?
Come here. I'll tell you.
I was on my way to work and since I happen to be a part‐time exterminator I thought I'd stop by and make sure there's no pests bugs, or varmints in your classroom other than these rug rats.
Look, I made this for you.
What is it?
It's either a dog with no head or an ashtray.
Dog with no head.
Will you stay here and never leave?
Aww, what's the matter, no pals yet?
I don't know why. You look pretty.
You smell okay.
Alright, you stay here and get ready to learn some new names, alright?
Attention, all munchkins.
Free milks all around compliments of the coolest kid in class Stephanie Tanner.
Make a friend. Get a free milk.
Great. Now I have no friends and no milk.
Hmm. Can't believe that milk scam didn't work.
Alright, we'll go to my specialty personal charm, now, you wait right here I'll be back with your new best friend, okay?
Sit down, now.
Little girl, how'd you like to make a new friend?
Stranger, stranger, stranger!
Whoa, whoa. What, what is going on here?
Uh, nothin', I'm just trying to help the kids become friends.
Who are you?
I'm, uh, I'm this pretty little girl's father.
‐ Right, Steph? ‐ Uh, okay.
Well, look, as long as you're here would you come with me to the supply room and k*ll something with eight legs?
I'll be right back, Steph. This happens to me all the time.
Everybody loves the exterminator.
‐ Hi, Stephanie. ‐ Hi.
Wow. This place is great.
You got toys and blocks and pin the tail on the donkey.
Sure wish I lived here.
Here, take my place.
Whoa.
Okay, there's only one sure‐fire way to make friends.
It's Duck‐Duck‐Goose time.
Alright, everybody, Stephanie has a great idea.
It's Duck‐Duck‐Goose time. In a circle. That's right.
We're ducking, we're goosing we're having a great time!
Alright! Okay! Sitting down! Okay!
Yeah, Duck‐Duck‐Goose. My favorite.
Duck, duck, duck, duck duck, duck, duck, duck duck, goose!
You gotta catch me.
We're having a great time.
Hello.
Uh, go to your chair.
Find your chairs.
Who are you?
Uh, I'm this pretty little girl's father.
Uh, okay.
What are you guys doing here?
‐ Who are you? ‐ Who me?
I'm this adorable little girl's father.
Uh‐huh.
What? Elizabeth Taylor's daughter had seven fathers.
Whoa, Danny, more good news
'D.J.'s goin' over the wall.'
Oh, yeah, this dad stuff's a piece of cake.
Here. Take the little poopster.
Well, stay right here.
Okay, daddy... and daddy and daddy.
Freeze. What is this?
I don't wanna jump to conclusions but it appears what we have here is my daughter is ditching school throwing away her future and basically becoming a juvenile delinquent.
In a nutshell, yes.
Would you mind if I ask you a question before you go knock off a 7‐eleven?
Why are you dropping out of school?
Because they put me in the smart class.
The advanced class?
D.J., that's wonderful.
Dad, it's Geek‐ville, USA.
These kids, the first day of school they brought homework.
And get this, I'm the only blonde.
And worst of all, they split me and Kimmy up.
Oh.
I know you're disappointed but it's not like you'll never see Kimmy again.
She lives next door.
Dad, you don't understand.
Kimmy and I have always been in the same class.
And now I'm in a room full of eggheads.
They're worse than eggheads. They're omelet‐heads.
D.J., it's the omelet‐heads who rule the world.
You really should give this a chance.
Do you know why?
Why?
Because if you don't try new things you're never gonna know what you're missing out on.
(Stephanie) 'Bye.'
‐ Bye, dad. ‐ 'Hold it.'
Where do you think you're going?
Home.
You're not going anywhere.
Nobody's going anyplace unless it's back into those two rooms.
‐ There she is. ‐ I got this.
What you need to understand‐‐
‐ Dad? ‐ Yes?
Stay.
Let me just talk to my sister alone, okay?
Woman to woman. I think I can help.
Alright. You can talk to her.
But remember..
...I'm trusting you.
I promise we won't try to make a break for it.
Okay.
Steph..
What's wrong?
No friends.
You can't expect to make friends the first day.
You know when I started kindergarten I didn't know anybody, either.
What about Kimmy?
We were just in the same class but I didn't talk to Kimmy for six months.
Because she's an airhead?
She's not an airhead. She just hates thinking.
That's probably why we're not in the same class anymore.
I just got stuck in a room full of omelet‐heads where I don't know one person. It's pretty scary.
Real scary.
But, Steph, you can't run away every time you're scared.
If you don't try new things you'll never know what you're missing out on.
Where did I hear that?
Oh, no. He was right.
Who was right?
Uh, you don't know him.
Anyways, making new friends takes time but you got one really good friend at school already.
Who?
Me.
And I'm right down the hall. Room seven.
You can't miss me. I'm the only omelet‐head with blonde hair.
Thanks.
[bell rings]
Steph, I'll go back to my class if you go back to yours, okay?
Okay.
♪ The itsy‐bitsy spider ♪
♪ Went up the waterspout ♪
♪ Down came the rain ♪
♪ And washed the spider out ♪
♪ Out came the sun and... ♪
♪ Ah ah ah ♪
[theme music]