02x15 - Burning Down the House

[bunniefuu]

Oh, rerun's not smart.

"What's happening?" I'll tell you what's happening. Hilarity.

Yeah, no kidding.

"Hey, hey, hey."

That's just funny.

Hey, hey, can you guys, uh, keep it down a bit, please?

Hyde, there's lipstick on your chin.

Hyde, why are you putting lipstick on your chin?

It's for your lips.

Hey, maybe he's got a girl back there.

So, Hyde, who's the lucky lady?

I never kiss and tell.

It's Kat Peterson.

Yeah, right.

You're in your bedroom with the most popular girl in school.

Yeah. What happened to Farrah Fawcett? Did her car break down?

Look. Just keep it down, all right? You're k*lling the mood.

Hyde, there is no mood because no one's back there.

Hey, Mike. Muah.

Okay, so we're all set for our big dinner party.

Oh, yay, the big dinner party.

So here.

"You and a guest are cordially invited for an evening of cocktails, dinner and TV."

The attire is semi-formal casual.

Ah, finally, I can wear my tuxedo t-shirt.

Uh, sorry, Fez. I forgot to invite you and Hyde.

Oh, but it's never too late.

Okay, bye.

Don't worry, Fez. I'm sure you and Hyde can come.

No, Michael, they can't.

Okay, I get it. They can't come.

Come with me.

No! Ah!

Okay, I'll give you a hundred bucks if you don't make me go to this party.

Show me the hundred. Damn!

Well, the party's tomorrow night.

So I better go home and start putting on cologne now.

So, that was fun.

No. Disneyland's fun. That was nasty.

Oh, my God, Hyde.

Kat Peterson. Nice.

Yep.

She's slummin' it, and I'm lovin' it.

j& Hangin' out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing

j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all, all right j& We're all, all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Red, honey, would you go to Bob and Midge's and get my casserole dish?

I'm making tuna surprise tonight.

Well, now that I know, you've ruined the surprise.

It's for Scrabble night.

Bob and Midge love tuna surprise.

Yeah, but I don't love Bob and Midge.

Well, Red, I have to invite them over.

They keep inviting us.

Well, that's because you keep inviting them.

Somebody's got to break the chain, or it'll go on forever.

Red, they're the only friends we have since you made Phyllis cry.

I didn't say anything about Phyllis' weight that the whole room didn't already know.

Donna, I'm gonna have dinner parties all the time when I'm Mrs. Michael Kelso Esquire.

Just think about it.

Do I have to? Oh, shh.

j& So they sprinkled moondust In your hair j& j& And golden starlight In your eyes of blue j&

They're brown.

I know.

Oh, Kelso, you little so and so.

I'd nary a notion of your songbird ways, having thought you merely a captain of industry and a king among men.

My word.

Cease your fawning and let us discuss the fox hunt.

But first, I crave a French pastry. Where's the help?

Apologies, good sire.

I was in the stables brushing the horses, secretly entertaining notions of a sensual tryst with a lady.

Top drawer!

Top drawer.

"Top drawer."

Hello?

Oh, hey, Bob.

Oh, hi, Red.

Stop it!

You know what might make this party a little more fun?

Sweet death.

Hyde!

Fez!

Michael!

Oh, good. It's Hyde, Fez, and Michael.

Hello, fellas. What's to eat?

Ah, are these melon balls for anyone?

Why are they here?

I invited them because you're always discussing manners, and I wanted to be mannerly.

He's mannerly.

Hey, Chuck.

Oh, no. Chuck's here.

Why, Michael? Why would you invite all these people?

Why would you do this?

Well, I was thinking that if a party of 10 people was fun, then a party of 30 people would be twice as much fun.

Michael, I didn't want twice as much fun.

I wanted a small, classy party.

But, Jackie, just because there's a couple more people doesn't mean it can't still be classy.

Hey, everybody, I'm taking off my pants!

No hair?

None.

Well, a little.

Well, what are we talking about here, Red?

Is it like Ed Asner bald or Charlie Brown bald?

Jeez, Kitty, I don't know. I barely looked.

Okay, I need a visual aid.

It was so uncomfortable.

I mean, a toupee's a pretty big lie, Kitty.

Okay, here.

Show me on Wooly Willy.

Uh-huh.

Okay, uh-huh.

Really?

Hey! Hey!

Would it k*ll you to use a coaster?

Bunch of wild hooligans here.

Oh, sorry, Red.

Red. You know...

It was gonna leave a ring.

That's so true, Kitty.

Eric, look, this is not your house.

You're not gonna get in trouble for any of this, so loosen up.

Yeah. I guess I could do that.

Oh, my God.

It's like I'm seeing colors I've never seen before.

Hey, Kat. Want a beer?

No.

Thanks.

She just blew me off, man.

You believe that?

Yes, I do.

I really, really do.

Michael, are they drinking out of my parents' crystal?

Yeah, Jackie.

They were trying to drink straight from the bottle, and I said, no! No!

Use the crystal 'cause it's classy.

Michael, I'm gonna go upstairs and feel sorry for myself.

And you, you are gonna fix this.

Fi... Fix it?

Jackie, you're having the party of the year here!

Damn! I do not get women!

Yes, neither does Hyde, right, Hyde?

You okay?

Donna, please. I really don't want to talk about Michael.

Okay, so what is your honest opinion about Michael?

Um, by honest, you mean...

Donna, please learn to listen.

Okay. Okay, fine.

Honestly? Mmm-hmm.

You have certain expectations of Kelso that may not be entirely realistic.

You want him to be sophisticated and smart, but actually he's unsophisticated and unsmart.

Oh!

Hey, you know, you guys are really bringing down the make-out room.

Well, I'm gonna have to pass.

I've got nothing.

Would you look at her, Fez?

Acting like she's all hot stuff.

So she's incredibly good-looking and everyone likes her.

I'm real impressed.

Yeah, I know how it is.

You know, you think you know somebody, but then it turns out he lied about making out with Kat Peterson.

Hyde! Fez!

What, is this a funeral? Come on!

Why aren't you guys getting down?

Well, I'm afraid Hyde is way too lovesick to get down.

Lovesick? I don't love her, man.

I just think we should be having sex is all, 'cause she'd enjoy it.

Hyde, I'm not a doctor, but I play one on TV.

But seriously, Hyde.

This is a party!

So loosen up, like me.

Whoops-a-daisy.

Man, I wish Jackie would loosen up.

She's throwing a great party down here, and she's missing it.

Kelso, you don't get it, huh?

This party meant the world to Jackie.

And you crapped on it.

All right, ease up on Kelso, huh?

Thanks, Hyde.

Yeah, I mean, so you did something horrible.

But it's Jackie, so who cares?

No. Wait. What are you saying?

I'm saying you b*rned her, man, royally.

Nice job.

But, no, man! I didn't want to burn her.

I invited all these people to make it fun so her party would be good.

She didn't want a good party.

She wanted her party.

You know what? You're right, Fez.

All right, this party's over. Everybody out!

No. Kelso, what are you saying, man?

Think!

You know what, guys?

For the first time in my life, I think I am thinking.

You know, I'm in danger of ruining the greatest thing that has ever happened to me.

And I am not gonna let that happen!

Kelso...

Do not interrupt me, all right?

This is important.

From now on, I'm gonna put Jackie's needs first.

And she is gonna be so proud of me!

Whoa!

Whoa, man! This is a rager!

Give me your brandies.

Whoa!

Whoa!

Gimme!

Whoa!

Donna, how dare you say that about me and Michael?

Jackie, you wanted my honest opinion.

You're honest opinion that we're great together.

Look, you are wrong about Michael.

He knows he made a mistake, and he's gonna make it up to me.

You wait and see.

Uh, Jackie...

Where's the fire extinguisher?

S-I-T.

That's "sit."

Oh my.

Yes, it is, again.

Yeah, Midgie's got quite a lead.

Your turn, Red.

Okay, fine.

"Cueball."

Ahem. I'm sorry, Bob.

Sorry?

Why apologize to me?

I like billiards.

Billiards are fun.

Okay, so you all know.

I don't know anything.

I wear a toupee.

Bob! If you tell them, they'll know.

I wear a rug. So what?

You know...

I wish I had a toupee.

You know, because, you know, the way my hair is sometimes.

Look, Bob, being bald isn't something that a man has to hide from.

A toupee is just silly.

I keep telling him if he'd grow as much hair on his head as he does on his back, he'd have a full head of hair.

Look, I know it's silly.

I guess I'm vain.

Every morning I wake up wishing I had the courage to walk around looking like you.

But I don't, Red.

I don't.

I guess that makes me a bad person.

Look, Bob, I didn't mean to make...

No, no. You know what? No, you're right, Red.

You're right.

Maybe it's time I stop living the lie.

Sinuses.

All right, all right, I was wrong, Bob.

You need the toupee. Put it back on.

j& Hey, hey, Donna j& I want to sing to you j& Hey, hey, hey, Donna j& No one else will ever do j& I've waited so long j& For school to be through j& Donna, Donna, I love you j& Hey, hey, Donna j&

Eric, get down off there right now!

What's the problem, Donna?

Yeah, what's the problem, Donna?

Timmy, go get your pants on, or I'll b*at the crap out of you.

Eric, remember when I told you to loosen up?

Oh, yeah, baby.

Well, tighten up, baby.

When the house is on fire, the party's over.

Well, hey, this was your idea.

Eric, I told you to loosen up, not act like a dink.

Well, I'm new at this.

So sue me. j& Sue-hoo-hoo me j& Sue me, Donna j&

Eric.

Hello, Steven.

Oh, I see how this is gonna be.

So, when you're with your little clique, you're too good for me.

Right.

But they're gone now, so hi.

You know, for a rich girl, you're kinda skanky.

Come on, let me show you the garage.

That proves nothing.

Son of a bitch.

No. Listen, Jackie. Wait. I owe you an apology.

I just wanted to help tonight, and I guess I blew it.

And I'm sorry.

Yeah. Lately, you've been sorry a lot, Michael.

Yeah, but this time I mean it.

Actually, he does.

He felt very bad and said tender words about you, and then he set your house on fire.

See, he loves you, but he just stupid.

Thank you, Fez.

Sure.

Jackie, I do love you, and I'll do whatever it takes to make you happy with me.

Yeah, well, I'm beginning to think that you're never gonna make me happy.

What are you saying?

I'm saying I have a lot of thinking to do.

Whew! Dodged a b*llet there, huh, Fez?

Nothing good came out of this night.

Although I did find out brandy's flammable.

Yeah, it's worth knowing.

Oh, and, uh, gasoline, for future reference.

I just don't get chicks, man.

God, Donna, men are stupid.

How can they not know what we want?

They want you to give them what they want...

I think they know what we want.

But you can't know what they want They just won't give it to us.

Because they never tell you. You know?

It's so simple.

Yeah, it's confusing, huh?

Oh, my God. The most horrifying moment?

Eric sang to me.

Hey, I sang to Donna.

Yeah, she kinda melted.

I mean, she called me a dink, but, I don't think she meant it.

Eric was such a dink tonight.

And I mean it.

Totally.

Totally.

I told you, get out, crasher!

I can't find my pants! My mom's gonna k*ll me!

Well, maybe you should've thought about that before you took them off!

Now, get out!

Hey, so I hear you and Kelso are kinda on the rocks.

What do you say we go and...

Ow!