04x09 - Crazy

[bunniefuu]

Previously on Wynonna Earp...

I'd just back off a tidge if I were you.

- (DEEP VOICE): Rachel.

- Billy?

I want to go home.

- I'm getting married.

- (NICOLE): It's the public stuff.

It's good to see you, Sheriff Haught.

These days, it's just Nicole.

Nicole, it's good to see you again.

(NICOLE): Mam helped her get Waverly out of the garden in exchange for you.

- Vampire!

- (DOC): The only thing Wynonna detests more than demons

- is her exes.

- m*rder her.

- Yah!

- Untie me!

(DEMON GROWLING)

You could just call him, you know.

(WESTERN MUSIC)

Really trying for high noon, Haught?

Isn't that what you say after a night of drinking?

"Hi, noon".

Oh...

Only I make fun of my drinking.

(GRUNTING, THUDDING)

(UPTEMPO MUSIC)

(WYNONNA EXHALES)

Gonna use your fiancée's nunchuks?

My fists are my nunchuks.

Oh yeah?

(MUSIC RESUMES)

(NICOLE SCREAMS)

Oh, you dirty bitch!

Eighteen months to practice, all you got is older.

(MUSIC RESUMES)

(NICOLE LAUGHS)

Oh, no!

(WYNONNA GRUNTING)

Hey!

Only I sweep her off her feet.

Ugh...

Really with the schmoop right now?

- (NICOLE GRUNTS)

- I don't know who to cheer for.

Cheer for fitness.

Wrong!

Cheer for me, 'cause I got Hunt for Red Haughtober off the homestead and into her place of work.

The only work I'm doing is punching in at the...

punching your face factory.

Hmm.

You sure?

Cop shop's just right over there!

- Across the hall.

- Yeah!

Why not just...

boop on over there real quick.

No?

- (NICOLE): Hmm?

- You know, just for fun!

Et tu, Earps?

You lured me here under false pretenses.

(SIGHING): Nicole.

Purgatory needs a sheriff, and it's gotta be you.

Everyone in town is saying so, right?

Well, that's really, really gratifying 'cause they didn't vote for me so they don't get me.

Didn't you once say, "Everything good I have in my life is because I came back to the Ghost River Triangle"?

Didn't you once say, "Eat a d*ck" to a bunch of vampires?

I should have said, "suck a d*ck".

Look, if this is guilt over what happened with Doc...

Whoa, wow, would you look at the time.

It's whatever o'clock, and I have a wedding to plan.

- See you at trivia tonight.

- (WYNONNA): Wow.

That parent trap would have made Lohan puke.

We barely even got a nibble.

And there's still a lineup of people in the sheriff's office.

(SIGHING)

- I was also not voted for.

- Come on.

It's not like BBD's given you an assignment this week.

The town's nice and quiet.

(SIGHING)

(PANTING)

- (SOFT THUD)

- Oh!

Holy sh*t!

The Earp heir is gonna hate this.

She's gonna k*ll us.

She's gonna k*ll me!

(MUTTERING)

Oh, noo!

(HOWLING)

(THEME MUSIC)

♪ Cause I gave you all I got to give ♪

♪ I know that ain't no way to live ♪

♪ I told that devil to take you back ♪

♪ I told that devil to take you back ♪

(SOFT COUNTRY MUSIC)

Hands off!

Only active-duty police drink for free at my Shorty's.

Well, I'm sheriff emeritus.

Sheriff avoidus, more like it.

Help me set up for trivia night.

Okay, fine, but no more sheriff talk.

Everybody keeps asking me.

Well, you were the best...

since yours truly.

I filled out the slacks a little better.

Know what I would like to talk about?

Hints for tonight's trivia.

What local deputy had the highest clearance rate in the Ghost River Triangle of the past ten years?

It's just not for me anymore.

You know, that sounds like a fancy way of saying you're butthurt.

(SCOFFING)

Why would I be butthurt?

- Wait, what have you heard?

- Nothing.

Why, did you do something?

I'm too busy, okay?

I've got Rachel.

She's a full-time job.

And yet you're in the dark about what she did at her part-time job.

Oh no.

Where'd she puke?

It's her invisible monster boyfriend downstairs.

Damn it.

She let him out.

Ugh!

Don't tell me, community watch clocked someone mowing their lawn in the buff.

What's up?

This life or death, Gil?

Every pharmacy is out of moisturizer.

Trag'.

Also, come on, man.

Where's Sheriff Clayborn?

Uh...

Wintering on a kibbutz.

Let's see, any of these complaints not read like a Yelp review?

"My neighbour put Guy Fieri ass flames on his car?" Who cares?!

Oh, this one's legit.

If I ask for shredded lettuce, you better believe I don't want full leaf.

Look.

These people are under a lot of stress.

Supply runs have halted.

Cupboards are bare.

Not to mention everything else that happens around here.

Exactly.

So much happens here, so relax!

Go outside.

It's above zero out there!

'Cause right now, things are fine.

We offed Pumpkin-head.

Amon's disappeared into the ether, we're good.

Ah yeah!

You brought the lattes!

(GRUNTING)

Oh...

Sorry.

No, this, this isn't mine.

Not your... cherry pie that you spilled all over your apron?

Not my cherry pie.

But a cherry pie, which we need to investigate because whoever's making these cherry pies is still out there and they might, uh..

bake again.

- Nice.

- You are terrible at codes.

- Damn.

- Go jerk off about it, Gil.

So where is this...

... m*rder*d pie?

Didn't there used to be a morgue?

- Oh yeah!

- Yeah, the rats took it over.

Ah, good for them.

- Who's the stiff?

- Ricky Brock.

- What a tragedy.

- Left a wife and little kids?

No.

A real loner, and, by all accounts, a real jerk, but...

he won Shorty's Trivia last week.

Oh, my god!

Is that tragic?

No, I mean, uh...

he was part of the community.

Well, our community, not yours, obviously, 'cause you lost.

I know I was eliminated, but how was I supposed to know Tobey Maguire isn't Spider-Man anymore?

- We all know.

- Well, on the bright side, at least it means that Ricky won't be at tonight's Trivia finals!

True!

I am so sorry.

- That is not a bright side.

- No.

Y'all brainiacs really got your priorities out of whack.

Before I got knocked out, I was obsessed with trivia night too.

That aside, look at this.

Whoa!

(CHUCKLING)

Okay, my turn to react inappropriately, but we're all seeing the vampire bite marks, right?

(WAVERLY): Yeah.

If Mr. "I Don't sh**t People in the Back" still bites people in the neck, I guess I'm not so bad anymore.

And even if I am, so is he.

You don't need an excuse to go talk to Doc.

I don't want to talk to him.

(SNIFFLING): I need to talk to him about the... poor...

Doc couldn't have done this, right?

(OMINOUS MUSIC)

No.

No, no, no, no, no!

(ROCK MUSIC)

It's a yes from me, dawg.

So we decoupled the caboose, but then my boys and I, we realized that the greenbacks, they're in another car...

I have great stories too.

Mostly about k*lling demons.

- With this g*n.

- (DOC): It's okay, you are safe.

You wanna tell everyone you're not here to k*ll them?

Not everyone.

Doc, I uh, need a private interrogation with your moustache.

(BLOWING RASPBERRY)

Hey.

It's okay.

I get it.

You're a vamp.

You got the hungs, that guy was num-nums.

Welcome back to the moral low ground.

There's a great mattress down here we could absolutely demolish.

What you're implying...

is faulty.

I have devised a morally sound way to satisfy my needs.

Morally sound?

Um.

You're chilling at a demon bar.

They may be demons, but even they would never...

Oh, sh**t someone in the back?

Well, how about the front?

(GROWLING)

(DALLAS): You alright, Doc?

He's fine.

Hey.

Weirdest thing...

Some demon with fangs k*lled a human.

Any of you have any idea who did it?

No one here has information for you.

But I will keep my ear to the ground.

From now, on I suggest you do not just pop into The Glory Hole.

Well, isn't that the point of a glory hole?

Since when do you have minions?

g*dd*mn law enforcement.

The g*n does tend to go to their head.

Hey Lil' Mama.

What's... shakin'?

Right, okay.

(INHALING DEEPLY)

Any idea why I might've called you here?

You so want me to be gay, don't you?

Well, we would support you and buy you the right albums, but...

nice deflection. Billy.

What happened?

You were there.

Typical teen stuff.

We should have told you he was in the basement.

The Clantons turned him into that thing.

And you said we'd fix him.

And from now on, we're gonna talk more openly about our problems.

Like Chicken-kicker?

- Rachel.

You promised!

- I'm sorry!

- Rachel.

You swore!

- Nicole, I'm sorry!

You do not speak about that, ever.

Ever, Rachel!

I'm just...

I'm just worked up.

Okay, my never-BF turned into an invisible monster.

For what it's worth, he seemed really weak when I let him out.

Not a thr*at at all.

But I'm still sorry.

Hey.

What are we listening to?

A podcast about Gaga.

What?

You sure you're not even bi?

(CHUCKLING)

You know, he'd forgive you too.

Doc.

If you just told him why.

Hey.

(JEREMY EXHALING): Do not start.

I know my heels aren't touching the ground.

I was gonna mention the two stiffs.

Oh.

Yeah.

It was on me to drag in the second body.

- I hurt my back.

- Oh...

Number two here is trivia nights' latest winner.

Niles!

The butcher?

Ugh!

He knew all the capital cities.

He even got Dodoma!

(SCOFFING)

We should focus on other things.

- Yeah.

- Like, how did this happen?

Did Doc?

That's what I thought at first, but...

look at this.

Bite marks.

Well, actually...

Those are too far apart to be teeth.

That means our beautiful cowboy is in the clear, but...

Hey, what is going on with him and Wynonna anyway?

Doc thinks that...

(SIGHING)

since Wynonna sh*t Holt, she's off the chain.

Is she?

Huh.

Does this seem light to you?

Yeah.

Kinda.

Whoa!

Waverly!

- There's nothing obstructing it.

- It's empty!

(JEREMY): Whoa.

No brains.

Try number one!

(GASPS)

- Weirdly satisfying.

- Yeah!

So what, it's a brain-stealing demon?

Why would they want human brains?

I don't know, as a souvenir, or a trophy?

Or something worse.

Mmm, I can feel the facts and numbers.

Mmm...

That the last brain, then?

Not by a sh*t long.

Long sh*t.

Is that the thing?

Not by a long sh*t.

We're gonna need more brains.

A lot more brains.

(COUGHING)

It's okay, I'm okay.

Don't worry.

Don't worry.

(SIGHING)

Yeah, I wasn't.

Okay, murderinos, tell me about my least favourite m*rder*r.

(JEREMY): Okay, well, the unsub is a male, mid-thirties, early forties.

(WAVERLY): Strong, because the victims don't have many defence wounds.

He seems to have incapacitated them easily.

We're sure it's not a sexy vampire?

- Can confirm.

- Right.

The thing is, the murders aren't the goal.

The brains are actually what the demon's after.

But...

the w*apon that caused these puncture marks might be painted.

Yeah, there's a turquoise smudging left behind, which isn't very demonic.

Yeah, but the demon got the brains out without a trace of a wound, so...

Baby girl.

It's a demon.

What kind of human wants brains?

Yeah.

Thank you, Wynonna.

(SCOFFING): Maybe a human with a fetish.

Or a compulsive obsession with intelligence.

Like a lot of K*llers, he's probably frustrated at the way he's seen.

In this case, with being seen as smart.

Yeah, like you.

Right now.

Save it for trivia, downward don't.

You save it for trivia, online degree.

(WAVERLY AND WYNONNA GASP)

I am going to crush you!

Okay.

Alright, so, see, see, what I think, as a smart also, my hunch about this guy is, uh, he's a mur...

derer.

Okay?

So, so he's like a m*rder, he's a m*rder fan.

- Who likes to...

- (QUACKING)

I left my rubber ducky keychain

- at the sheriff's office.

- (QUACKING)

With a sign that says, "If you have an emergency, quack it".

Lemme guess.

Your neighbour wore white after labour day.

- No.

This is serious.

- Oh.

Then what is it?

So, there's this couple, a guy and a girl.

They were fighting.

- Did he hit her?

- No, but, I'm sure he has.

He just kept yelling at her that he owned her.

Like, "I own you, I own you!" And then, he threw her into his car.

- God, that sounds awful.

- Well, yeah, it was.

Abusive relationship trumps brain man.

Let's go.

- Where was it?

- Oh well, they drove off.

- Did you get a plate?

- No, but he had, he had flames painted on the front of his car.

Like really lame.

Nosy neighbours finally pay off.

- I've got the address here.

- (WAVERLY): Okay.

Alright, let's go.

- Hey...

- (DOOR OPENS)

That's not all.

What is it?

I tried to break the fight up.

Told the guy to cool off.

Did he att*ck you?

Oh, worse.

While he was dragging the girl to the car, he turned to me and he said, "I wish you would eat sh*t".

Yeah, yeah that's weird phrasing.

Yeah.

And then I went and ate sh*t.

I don't even like sh*t.

Well, we know he has a small d*ck.

I probably dated him.

Open up, it's the...

Earp Sisters!

(CHUCKLING IN THE HOUSE)

Uh, hi?

Something funny?

Yeah, I was...

thinking about something funny I saw on the internet.

There's a guy, said something funny and then...

his friend said something funny back to him.

Yeah, I think I saw that one.

Doug?

Doug Warner?

Used to be my name.

Used to?

Mmm...

(CLEARING THROAT)

We're coming in.

(STAMMERING): Your wish is my command.

Any hail today?

Uh, no.

Hail is not ice pellets.

A lot of people confuse them but it's actually different precipitations.

Just the kind of stuff you pick up.

(SNAPPING HIS FINGERS)

Weather facts.

Neat.

Yeah, I got a lot of 'em.

Don't get me started on sleet.

You know, sleet actually goes east west.

You know how rain is up down?

Sleet is actually all dependent on the jet stream.

It's a big stream of wind that flies through the...

it's just a scam perpetrated by the post office, actually.

(SOFTLY): Hey.

Are you doing okay?

Just battling the trolls.

- (CHUCKLING)

- Listen.

We're here to help.

We can get you out.

Yeah, no you can't, but...

no big.

What're you eating there?

What kind of sandwich is that?

Brain.

Cow.

Girl meat sandwich.

All cows are girls.

- Boy cows are bulls.

- I too graduated kindergarten.

(BANGING ON TABLE)

You think I'm dumb?

I think you have brain on your chin.

I do?

Did I get it?

I used to be dumb, but I'm actually getting a lot smarter.

Would you say you have a...

compulsive obsession with intelligence?

Ginny get in here!

Leave her the f*ck alone, Doug.

It's not Doug.

My name is Kuru!

- (SNORTING): Honestly this guy.

- (KURU): Ginny!

Get here!

(WYNONNA): Waverly!

He's our demon k*ller!

You, you don't have to do this, Ginny.

'Scuse me.

Peacemaker's not glowing!

So he's kinda just a dude!

- Human.

- I am the demon Kuru.

- He's a human.

- (KURU): Ginny.

No.

She's not yours, buddy.

Just lemme go to him.

- Sweetheart, it's okay.

- What?

(WAVERLY WHISPERING)

(SCREAMING)

You did not just throw brain at me!

- Argh!

- I wish her to die.

I wish her to die.

I wish her to die.

Then come to me.

Take my hand.

Ow!

Watch the nails, girl.

Ow!

Why...

Oh, come on!

(WAVERLY): sh*t!

No way he jumped that fence.

Hey.

Listen.

We're gonna get you somewhere safe, okay?

Well, I'm gonna go wash this brain off my shirt, but...

- Wynonna will.

- (GINNY): Cool...

Can't wait to be exactly back here in a couple hours.

(CLICKING)

(WYNONNA): Listen, we wanna help you.

I've seen this before, you're the victim.

(SIGHING)

Can you just put the phone down a sec?

- Nah, I'm good.

- Okay.

I get it.

I get it.

I look like a cop.

Well, I'm not.

I've spent several New Year's Eveses in drunk tanks.

You're safe with me.

- (WHOOSHING)

- (GINNY)

: Oh sh*t.

- That's the g*n that kills us!

- You're her?

- Damn right.

Hands up.

- Girl, it's chill.

- Okay, I'm chill.

- It's you.

You did it, didn't you?

Yes, but it's not me, it's his wishes!

Wishes?

I'm a genie.

Kuru's wish is my command.

And his wishes are f*cking nuts.

Okay.

A genie?

Did Doug find a lamp or something?

One flamboyant genie lives in a lamp, now suddenly we all live in lamps.

Ugh.

Well, what about a trophy?

We dusted a Marzaniok once.

That's cute.

No, I just needed a new master.

Master?

Honey, no.

Doug bumped into me at the bar, and that was it.

That's how it works.

And now he calls the sh*ts.

Not so fast.

- Show her what you got.

- Oh, yeah.

Your nails.

Same colour as the wounds found on the m*rder victims.

- Your nails poison them.

- Yeah.

But only cause he wished them to.

Why does he want you to k*ll them?

He wants to be the smartest guy in town so he makes me k*ll all the smartest people in town.

- I mean, usually keepers...

- Keepers?

You need to stop.

Okay, well, usually they're all like, "I want g*ns for hands", or like a laser d*ck, but not Doug.

Why doesn't he just wish to be the smartest guy in town?

Because he's not smart.

(JEREMY): Okay, look.

He's already k*lled twice.

Three wishes.

That's all you get.

Dude wished for infinite wishes.

Isn't that against genie rules?

No.

And don't be superstitious.

Look.

He has infinite wishes, so no matter what we talk about here, I'm still bound to keep makin' them all come true.

Except... you won't.

Because...

when you say he bumped into you at the bar and became your...

Lord?

Yeah.

None of the words you're using are working for me, okay?

You meant literally bumped into you.

'Cause when you were at the house, you kept reaching for each other.

He needs to be touching you for his wish to come true.

Pretty much.

Okay, totally much.

- Nice.

- Thanks.

And I'm not leaving your side.

Okay, well, I hope it works, but he is my...

- Don't say it!

- He's mine, I'm his.

Forever.

- Did he wish to be immortal?

- No.

I can't do that.

Or bring back people from the dead.

Can you at least pretend you watched Aladdin?

- (LIP SMACKING, SCOFFING)

- I'm stuck with brain-eater

- till he croaks.

- Uh.

Which reminds me, Wynonna, I need to show you something.

Okay.

Solid convo, but can I get my phone back now?

I need to see if my tweet's doing numbers.

Are you gonna make me watch Aladdin?

I-I was researching obscure diseases for trivia night when I came across "Kuru", the name that Doug wants to be called.

It's a condition that some cannibals get when they eat human brains.

- Like Mad Cow Disease?

- Yes, exactly.

I think that Doug ate human brain, got sick, googled it, and started calling himself by the name of that sickness.

Okay.

Well, he's not exactly the best of us.

Which is why I'm not leaving here till he's caught.

Yes!

Great idea.

You stay here.

- I go to trivia night.

- No, Jeremy!

We need to find a k*ller.

There will be other trivia nights.

No, no, no!

Tonight is the finals!

It's critical.

Jeremy.

It's your beautiful brain.

What?

Trivia night!

Ginny said he wants to find the smartest people so he can eat their brains!

Your brain!

- That's nuts.

- It is, because random trivia's obviously not an accurate way to judge intelligence otherwise I'd still be in it.

- Well...

- % coo-coo for Kuru Puffs!

Okay, okay.

So that is why we're all so obsessed.

Yes.

And why I'm not.

Anymore.

It has nothing to do with you losing?

No.

It's the wish.

Okay.

Yeah, no.

That-that makes sense in a that-makes-no-sense kinda way.

Great, okay, if you are good to guard the genie, then me, Waverly, Nicole and Doc can go to trivia night

- and take Kuru-Doug down.

- Cool.

It shouldn't be hard.

Without his genie he'll just be a normal numpty.

Okay.

I'm gonna call Waverly and tell her the plan.

You call Doc.

Okay.

Okay, so it's a wish.

And the guy will be at trivia and then we'll do a takedown?

The way you say "takedown"...

I can feel your sheriff senses tingling.

- You loved your job.

- Well, now I love trivia.

And you.

In that order.

God, what an awful wish!

Don't change the subject.

Hey, maybe you should try club soda on your...

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

Hey.

(SIGHING)

I'd lost everything.

The woman I love, my friends.

Then I lost the election.

To Holt.

It was the last straw, so I did something.

Is this a froggy thing again?

Now everybody in Purgatory hates me.

So?

Everyone hates Wynonna, and she still Wynonnas.

- I'm sure it's fine.

- It's not.

Look.

Brain stain aside, we're so close to being happy.

I never want you to blunt your ambition.

It's one of the things that makes you...

you.

I got you back.

That's my happy.

He's gonna come get me.

Maybe you should just relax.

Genies don't relax.

Okay?

I'd have to have my own needs and desires for that, rather than just fulfill wishes.

You k*lled people.

Doug k*lled people.

- I did my job.

- Right.

Genies don't k*ll people.

People with genies k*ll people.

Facts.

Well, maybe don't pick an assh*le next time.

You saying I have bad taste in men?

I get the bad boy thing.

(CHUCKLING)

Doug?

- Ew.

No, he's just my...

- Bah!

Uh...

he's my "wish-getting guy".

- Thank you.

- It's not romantic.

Even when they are cute, they're all Kuru in the end.

I'd retweet that.

(RACHEL): What's the capital of Tanzania?

(JEREMY): Ah!

Dodoma!

I could help with those butterflies

- if you just told me.

- Never.

Oh, my God, why am I here, why am I here?

Why am I...

You're here because we want to decide who has Purgatory's tastiest brain.

Right, yeah.

And so does the k*ller.

And when he comes, we'll take him down.

Wow.

Chicken-kicker shows her face.

What did you just call her?

(CLUCKING)

(ALL CLUCKING)

Alright, settle down.

Come on.

Start your brain engines, folks.

Take your seats.

Nope.

I am taking no seats.

Nicole!

Wait!

I mean...

I can't go with you, but I love you!

(JEREMY EXHALES)

(WHOOSHING)

Ow!

Argh!

Great.

Kuru's wish means I literally can't leave trivia night.

You've got to be kidding me.

At least there's no Reaper anymore.

(NEDLEY): Alright folks!

Now, seeing as how this is sudden death, you buzz in with one wrong answer and that's all she wrote for you, you're done.

You dig?

Finalists?

You made it to the end?

- Oh, I don't sleep, Earp.

- Okay, remember guys, we're here to catch a k*ller.

After I best you at Pop Culture .

As if, Oldie Hawn.

Also, I love you.

(NEDLEY): Question number one.

This famous songstress is the youngest of siblings.

- (DINGING)

- (ALL THREE): Celine!

(JEREMY GROANING)

Looks like we got a fun night ahead of us.

That one's a draw.

Question number two.

- (DING)

- Turkmenistan!

- (DING)

- Für Elise!

- (DING)

- Kristy Yamaguchi!

Correct.

Next question.

Ah!

The archangel Gabriel.

Gah!

That should've been mine!

I'm the...

one who read Paradise Lost.

- Next question.

- Dunkeroos!

Quaaludes!

Armie Hammer.

Correct.

Ooh!

The planet Ork!

The Republic of Djibouti!

Justin, Joey, Chris, JC and Lance.

(CHUCKLING): Correct.

- Boron!

- No!

I'm the science guy!

Jack Ruby.

Oswald, he was a patsy.

You are correct.

(DINGING)

- Correct.

- (DINGING)

- Correct.

Correct.

- (DING)

Correct.

- Correct.

- Yes!

(JEREMY SIGHS)

Okay, here's one for the cowboys.

Now known as the "dead man's hand", what combination of cards was Wild Bill Hickock holding

- when he was sh*t in the back?

- Ugh!

- (DING)

- Mr. Holliday.

William had himself a deuce and a seven, which is a death unto itself.

Dead man's hand is a pair of aces and eights.

Uh, yeah, that is not what he had.

- I was there.

- (JEREMY SCOFFS)

Did he just say he was there?

Yeah, wow, you really need another mint, Bradley.

Sorry Doc, but you're out.

This is an outrage, I must remain in this battle and prove that it is I that has the ideal brain.

Wait.

Why is it still just us?

Where is the man that calls himself Kuru?

Boo!

Down in front!

- Boo!

- Move it along.

You're still my favourite, boo.

Okay, wait.

So, now, he's the vampire demon leader?

I know, it's messed up.

(CHUCKLING)

Well, I can tell you, love messed up.

At least I know my keeper.

- Hey.

Stop saying that word!

- Why?

Because it's got horrible connotations.

That's the reality for some of us.

Both of us.

I still have the g*n that can k*ll you.

Or does it have you, honey?

(CHUCKLING)

(RINGTONE, GINNY GASPS)

Okay, please.

Can I just quickly just peek at my notifications?

Please?

Please.

Just don't text Doug.

Ghost him till he dies.

I'm worse than a ghost.

Ugh.

(GINNY SIGHS)

Ugh... he wished he could walk through walls.

I wish Wynonna would open the cell.

(WHOOSHING, WYNONNA MOANS)

(CLANGING)

Why aren't you at trivia night?

Back at the house, I realized...

street brains.

You mean street smarts?

(SNORTING)

Street brains are brains that I want too.

That's what you have.

So, you.

Ugh.

I wish for her to say bye-bye to her brain.

(WHOOSHING)

Bye-bye, brain.

We must leave.

The k*ller's not here which means he's heading for his genie, putting Wynonna in danger.

Yes, okay, yeah, you're right.

You're right!

- Yeah.

We have to help her.

- (NEDLEY): Alright, we've done the final calculations, and it turns out it's a dead tie between Waverly Earp and Jeremy Chetri.

Come on up here for a sudden-death playoff round.

(JEREMY, PANTING): I am so sorry, Doc, I can't help it!

Neither can I.

If I have to do this alone then I will!

One question at a time,

- five seconds to answer.

- Okay.

(WHOOSHING)

Dammit.

I simply cannot miss trivia.

Literally.

We cannot waste another moment.

One of you must lose, and posthaste.

- Well, she's your sister!

- Uh!

You're found family!

You chose her.

You lose.

Snap out of it!

(ALL): We can't!

If we have no other choice.

I wish she would lie on the gurney.

(WHOOSHING)

(WYNONNA GRUNTS AND PANTS)

(KURU CHUCKLING, COUGHING)

(GINNY): I guess I know what's next.

- What's that?

- You get me to finish the job.

Mm-hmm.

Fine!

- I wish for a Kn*fe.

- (WYNONNA): Doug.

Kuru!

I am the demon Kuru.

I will be removing this brain...

- (WYNONNA WHIMPERING)

- ... myself.

(SINISTER MUSIC)

Doc!

Hey, what's going on up there?

Jeremy and Waverly are caught in a stalemate.

And I believe Wynonna to be in grave danger.

So I take it you're stuck here too?

Well, I suppose we all are until trivia ends, when one of them answers incorrectly.

Or doesn't answer at all.

We'll need a distraction.

We need Chicken-kicker.

Okay.

Next question.

- According to Greek mythology...

- Hey.

Phone.

Now.

Oh, please don't check my browser history.

Okay, we'll talk about that later.

- Rachel, I need the video.

- What video?

The video.

Chicken-kicker.

I deleted it.

I respect the ban.

No one in their right mind would delete that video.

It's in a folder marked "Tax Stuff".

Clever girl.

Okay, I just need to find the Bluetooth.

(NEDLEY): Waverly Earp.

A tribe in Papua New Guinea is affected by this condition

- when eating brain.

- Oh!

Goodbye, self-respect.

(NICOLE IN VIDEO): Hello.

You losers didn't vote for me for Sheriff, but I stayed!

(SLURRING): I'm the one who stayed!

And now you just wanna stuff your dumb faces while celebrating Holt?!

Waverly, do you have an answer?

Well, f*ck your votes, f*ck your dinner!

And f*ck this chicken!

- (SCREAMING)

- (BAR PATRONS LAUGHING)

(NEDLEY): Your chance to win the tournament.

Kuru!

Kuru!

(NEDLEY): Yes!

Jeremy Chetri, you have the biggest, tastiest brain in Purgatory!

Yeah!

(MAGICAL CHIMING)

What?

I'm sorry, I'm sure your brain tastes terrible.

Praise be.

Ginny!

Ginny, get Peacemaker!

Help!

I can't do sh*t.

(SCREAMING)

- (KURU MOANING)

- Help!

And I need a more Zen atmosphere.

I wish for her to stop screaming.

(SCEAMING STOPS)

(EXHALING)

You know, I don't feel so good.

I wish for a bigger Kn*fe.

Sure, that's what's stopping you.

I am Kuru!

I am Kuru, and I can be strong too.

(WHIMPERING)

I can be st...

(GAGGING)

(GAGGING)

Okay.

Just come to me and I'll take care of it.

I need street brains.

I wish...

I tried Wynonna, but it is what it is.

(THUDDING)

Whoa!

What the hell!

Ah!

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

He's dead, Wynonna.

- Were you gonna let him cut me?

- Uh, I was k*lling time.

His cannibal brain's been rotting for weeks.

It was obv he was about to kick it, so...

Sup, Doc.

Where ya been?

You alright?

It's all Kuru, baby.

So, who had the tastiest brain?

So this is yours?

Hey...

I'm Ginny.

A drink for the champion!

Oh!

Hey!

Do you wanna try on the hat?

- I'm good.

- Nah, seriously,

- you should try it on.

- Nah.

I don't have to sit here if you don't want me to.

And miss my opportunity to speak with the Chicken-kicker herself?

(LAUGHING): Okay, well, anything that you want to know on chicken kicking, I will happily oblige.

But I know there's something else you'd rather hear about.

You were gonna trade me to the Clantons?

Look.

There's no excuse, okay?

But...

I had reasons.

It brought Waverly home to me.

- I was a part of that too.

- I know.

I will be forever grateful.

Doc, I'm sorry, but I had to be sure.

What did they even want with me?

No clue.

But I knew that whatever it was, that you could handle it.

And if you didn't, then we were gonna figure it out.

Together.

'Cause I'd fight for you too, Doc.

I appreciate that, Sheriff Haught.

You know you're the only one who still calls me that, right?

The badge alone does not give the authority.

Yeah.

Tell that to the people who saw me kick a chicken.

(NICOLE IN VIDEO): Chicken!

(SCREAMING) Why don't you tell them?

Hey everybody, listen up!

(VIDEO RECORDING BEEPS)

Yeah.

You getting this?

Good.

Show of hands here: who voted for me?

Well, I don't care.

I'm not embarrassed about it.

We all do things we regret, right?

So yeah, okay.

I am Chicken-kicker.

Yeah, ya are!

(CHUCKLING)

But I'm still gonna be your sheriff.

'Cause I made a promise.

I made a promise to serve and protect every single person in this town.

Even those that break the law.

Or slice their grilled cheese sandwich lengthwise instead of diagonally, which...

I've never understood.

Or don't like me...

because I'm an outsider.

Because I'm gay.

I don't care that she's gay!

Even those who literally ate feces.

You eat sh*t one time and it's...

It's kinda like kicking a chicken.

One time.

You know, folks, we've all made mistakes.

And it usually happens with things we care about the most.

We do need you, Sheriff Haught.

Revote's unanimous.

You're reinstated.

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh, my god.

I finally get Wynonna's bad boy thing.

Chicken-kicker is hot.

(GIGGLING)

(TWINKLING RINGTONE)

Here to be my matriarch?

No.

But we got him.

- The disease got him.

- Did it?

- Or do all your... masters...

- Careful.

... die like that?

- Diseased and full of rot.

- Doug was sick.

Dude ate brain.

See, what I think, having a genie, all that choice, it makes them insane.

And then you get to k*ll for them.

You like it.

Well, I was just doing what I have to do.

I'm the victim.

You said so yourself.

You may be a genie, but you are still a demon.

He was just some idiot.

And you'll find another one.

You're too powerful a w*apon.

I realized it when you got Doug to wish for me to be quiet.

I couldn't listen to you cry for help when I couldn't help you!

You gotta listen to the screams.

You have to look the cost of this in the eye and tell it to go f*ck itself.

Okay.

You want a new choice?

Have all the choices you want.

I've already had a curse.

I can stop what's coming.

I can stop what's coming.

I could make him love you again.

Hmm.

(WHIRRING)

Make Doc choke it down.

I get it.

I'm poison too.

With a psychotic g*n for a master.

We're the same.

The difference is that...

you have a way out.

No, you don't have to.

Genie.

(g*nsh*t, SCREECHING)

You're free.