03x02 - Red Sees Red

[bunniefuu]

I had a great time on our date tonight.

Yeah. When do you think Red's going to give you back the keys to the cruiser?

You know, so we could actually leave the property?

I don't know. Maybe never.

In fact, you're my only contact with the outside world now, Donna.

Do people still laugh out there?

I miss the laughter.

Well, Eric, it's your own stupid fault.

I mean, before you opened your big mouth, Red actually believed that smell was incense.

Yeah, I know. It's just...

He was going to kick Hyde out and I wanted to help, and, oh, helping never helps.

All right, look. Let's not waste time talking about this.

How long till curfew?

About one minute.

Now, Donna, I'm not bragging, but if you're properly motivated, I can actually do it in that amount of time.

You don't have to tell me.

Okay, so buckle up, Donna, 'cause the next 12 seconds are all about you, babe.

Five, four, three, two, one.

No, wait! Damn!

Curfew, hophead.

j& Hangin' out

j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Jeez, I wish I had a quarter for every time I caught you making out with the neighbor girl.

Wish I had a quarter for every time you embarrassed me.

I wish you did, too, 'cause then you'd be a millionaire and you could find someplace else to live.

What, and leave all this?

Okay, fellas. Who wants brownies and a nice glass of milk?

Oh, jeez.

Daddy, I think it's great you gave Eric and Hyde a curfew.

These boys, they need structure.

Well, I'll see ya.

Where do you think you're going?

To... night church?

Sorry, honey. Curfew's for everyone.

But, Daddy, it's me!

Look, what they did is bad, but you sneaking around with Kelso, that's just...

Unpleasant.

But, Daddy, I'm not seeing Kelso.

Untrue! A damnable lie!

A curfew?

I'm stuck in this house with you people all night?

This sucks!

Well, we're just thrilled about it.

So, all right. There's an upside to all this.

I took her down with me.

Nice job.

Well, isn't this a happy house?

Yeah.

This is not a happy house.

Well, you just said this was a happy house.

Well, that's not what I meant.

It was sarcasm.

Well, who the hell knows what you mean when you won't say what you mean?

I don't like how you're treating the children.

Look, Kitty.

I'm not gonna let our kids go down the wrong path.

But if you have a better idea, I'm all ears.

Okay. Maybe you could be a little less strict and a little more loving.

Okay, Kitty. Enough with the sarcasm.

Stop looking at me! Stop looking at me! Stop looking at me!

Please look at me.

Hey, psst!

I love you, Steven.

I have secret love powers.

Look at me!

Uh! I have 29 teeth.

No, that can't be right. 1, 2, 3...

Jackie's in love with Hyde and I have nothing.

Oh, look! I find an M&M!

Oh, no.

My life sucks.

Okay, I really hope no one smelled that.

All right!

I'm the best-looking person in this room.

No! In this whole town!

No! No! In this whole state!

No!

Dumb asses.

So, how's it going?

Real good.

The foreign kid just ate something off the floor.

Okay. Well, um... Your father's gonna drive me to work.

That's right, and if you do anything wrong, I'll know, because one of you is a snitch.

You just think about that while I'm gone.

Well, they're not gonna do anything wrong, because I brought a box of activities to occupy their time.

So, um, be good and have fun.

Do crafts, not dr*gs.

Ooh, a model airplane and glue.

Where are Steven and Eric?

Um...

Your hair is very pretty.

Oh, they can't leave the house. They're grounded.

Oh, don't worry about them.

They're at the Hub.

Oh, no. I am the snitch.

Oh, Red is gonna be furious.

Mrs. Forman, may I tell you a little story about oppression?

Okay.

Once I had an ant farm, and they would not build their tunnels.

I was furious, so I became very strict and stern with my ants.

First they feared me and everything was fine, but eventually the ants broke out and att*cked me.

So I had to k*ll them.

So, um, you think we're being too hard on the kids.

Well, I don't know about that.

I just wanted to let you know that I'm really sad because my ants are dead.

Okay.

Well, Fez, thanks.

You're a good boy.

All the ladies want a piece of Fez.

What are you doing?

Oh, just a little security measure in case anybody tries to escape.

Red, no. Those are my Christmas bells.

Those are happy bells.

Then they're doing their job, because I'm happy.

Let's have some cake.

Okay, and let's watch some TV, because that makes us all happy.

Okay, here we go.

The Brady Bunch Variety Hour is on.

Oh, who the hell gave those people an entire hour?

Well, I think this program is fun for the whole family.

They've got Charo and the rock band KISS.

Okay, see? Now, this is nice.

A nice family who gets along and sings and dances.

Yeah, I love the Bradys.

Oh! Remember that episode where Mr. Brady went completely insane and put bells on all the doors?

Hey, did you see the one where Greg was a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?

Did you ever see the one where I hated living here?

That one's my favorite.

Well, I hope you're happy because now you've upset your sister.

Oh, you know what? Forget it, Dad.

Enjoy yourself. Get your sh*ts in now because when I'm gone, oh, I'm gonna be long gone.

I got no place to go, so...

I'm gonna stay here.

But the tension's nice.

Reminds me of home.

Finally.

Now I can enjoy the show in peace.

Oh, this show is crap.

j& Feel funky j& Whoo j& Feel good j& Whoo j& Gonna tell you I'm in the neighborhood j& Gonna fly like a bird on the wing j& Hold on to your hat, honey j& Sing, sing, sing sing j& I got the music in me j& I got the music in me j& I got the music in me

j& I got the music in me j& I got the music in me j& I got the music in me j&

Yeah!

Thank you, thank you!

And welcome to The Forman Bunch Variety Hour! Ha-ha!

And, boy, do we have a great show for you tonight!

Sorry, Mom, we can't stay for the show.

No!

Why not?

Well, living at home is unbearable, so we've decided to run away.

No!

Yay!

So, thanks for everything, Mrs. F.

Well, you boys can't run away.

Who's gonna do the square dance with Shields and Yarnell?

Well, let Laurie do it.

She's been making out with Shields all day.

That's a lie!

Well, when will I see you again?

Don't worry, Kitty. I'll take care of them.

Oh, ladies and gentlemen, star of stage and screen, Shirley Jones.

Hi, Mom! Hi, Mom!

Mom?

That's right, Kitty.

We're Partridges now.

This is gonna be great.

I'm pretty sure I can nail Susan Dey.

No! Partridges?

You can't live in a bus.

There's no toilet!

Well, it may be inconvenient, Kitty, but we do get to spend a lot of time together.

That's right. Mrs. Partridge quit her job to form a family band.

Yep. It's all a matter of choices, Kitty.

I guess you just chose to be a bad mother.

Hey, Shirley, can I come?

I play the tambourine.

Uh! I'm sorry, Laurie. No whores on my show.

Oh, fine.

Hey, Shields, wait up!

Aah!

Coochie, coochie, coochie!

Whoa, whoa, whoa!

Can it, Charo.

Yah!

Well, I am not going to let that happen.

Oh, no.

This is crap.

Oh, no. Honey!

Yep. He thought he could sneak out.

So, what now, Ho Chi Min?

Well, I'll tell you one thing.

Playtime is over.

Your friends are no longer allowed in the house.

Wait. What?

No. No. We'll talk about it in the morning.

Fine. We'll talk about it in the morning.

We'll talk about how your friends are no longer allowed in the house!

You know, I have an interesting idea.

Why don't we not punish him?

Why don't we try a little of that forgiveness that Jesus was always talking about?

No. No.

This is for his own good.

Look. In order for Eric to be a happy, well-adjusted adult, he has to be miserable now.

That's just good parenting.

If I was to be Mr. Nice Guy now, do you know what would happen to Eric in a few years?

Do you?

Oh, Eric! Breakfast!

Well, there's my sweet little baby boy.

Why, oh, why didn't I discipline you?

Shut up and eat your Cornflakes.

Yah!

That's what.

Never surrender, Kitty. Never retreat.

We're winning.

The fact that Eric was desperate enough to climb out his window shows that everything is working.

Surprise!

This is so great!

I didn't know you delivered.

Bed check, dumb ass.

Holy crap!

No, it is not a bed check.

We just want to say good night, and we love you very, very much.

What are you doing?

Oh, just nailing his window shut.

It's for his own good.

What if there's a fire?

Well, then, I guess you can just light your dope with it, dopehead.

Donna! Get out!

Whoa! Not so fast, Laurie.

Ah! Ah! Ah!

You idiot! Red's doing bed checks.

Bed checks!

And bless Mommy and bless Daddy and bless grandma.

Oh, hi, Daddy.

Sorry to bother you, kitten.

Kelso, get your hand off my ass.

It was an accident.

Shh! It's still there.

It's still an accident.

Kelso, it's still there.

Yeah.

What?

You know, Steven, this hatred thing you have for me is just you protecting yourself.

Okay.

It's true. You're afraid to reach the peaks of love for fear of being dropped off a cliff.

Well, I'm your safety line, Steven, so grab me.

Go grab yourself, freak.

Okay, bed check!

Here we come!

Kitty, you're warning him!

I'm not warning anybody.

Getting closer!

Okay, um...

We just... we wanted to say good night and, um, that you're a good boy, and even though you do some things that we don't like, we still love you.

And I'm watching you.

And I'm cherishing you.

Oh, no, Jackie. They're still out there.

What was that?

Oh, and they want our pants.

Do you hear that?

I don't hear anything.

That's right. Nothing.

That's the sound of discipline.

No, that's the sound of jail.

This house used to be fun until you made it miserable.

Well, I'm sorry, Kitty, but I think it's working.

Oh, you do?

Yes, I do.

Oh, you do.

I just said I did.

Red.

Oh, hell's bells!

It's Red! Run for it!

Freeze!

Daddy, thank God you came! They were kidnapping me!

Oh, shut up! That's it. I have had it!

You know what this means?

More discipline.

No. No.

Oh, yes. Playtime is over.

Oh, stop saying that.

Your cracking down is not working.

Hell, I could have told him that a week ago.

Now is not the time to be a porky mouth.

Red, I want my house back.

Once had an ant farm...

Oh, honey, no. Not now.

Okay. Okay. Here's what we're gonna do.

You are going to remember that he's a good son, and you are going to remember that he's a good father, because I am not happy with the way this house is running.

Hah! Now you see what you've done?

You've made your mother unhappy.

No, he didn't.

I'm not happy with everything.

I'm not happy with windows being nailed shut, and I'm not happy with people sneaking around, and I'm not happy with my Christmas bells on the front door.

Well, Kitty, what do you want me to do?

Pretend that nothing happened?

Yes.

No!

Fine! Then that's it.

Then I'm staying home.

I'm staying home full-time and I am taking back my house, and that's the way it is.

Now, you get upstairs and take those nails out of the windows and you, stop being such a sneaky smart mouth and you... honey!

You've got to stop eating stuff off the floor.

Now, everyone, let's go back to happy!

Ha-ha-ha!

So, I guess playtime is over.

I'm sorry, dad.

j& I don't remember growing older j& When did they? j& Sunrise j& Sunset j& Sunrise j& Sunset j& Swiftly fly the years j& One season following another j& Laden with happiness and tears j&

Give it to me one more time, coochie!