09x03 - Anointed in Liquor

[bunniefuu]

[grunt]

I'm a little bit nervous being out here in the woods you know, with all the Samsquamptch sightings, but I don't really have a choice.

The seniors are digging my pancakes.

They think they're the best pancakes this side of Quebec, and they f*cking are.

It's 'cause of one thing.

It's 'cause of my syrups.

The different syrups I make.

You know, most people make, like, a maple syrup but I've been tapping different types of trees, with a little bit of hemlock for a little tang.

And I've been adding spruce gum, you know.

It makes it chewy and it's nice on their gums.

They get in there, chewing it, and it soothes their gums, you know, so it's...

[clatter]

[creature grunting]

[whispering]

...the f*ck is that?

Something's f*cking with my buckets.

[sniffing]

What the f*ck?

You can smell him.

It's a Samsquamptch.

He's a gassy son of a whore, too.

I should just get out of here.

Oh, my f*ck.

Holy sh*t!

Samsquamptch's fur.

The cocksucker was probably sucking right on the tap.

[sniff]

Holy f*ck...

Look at that.

He's a f*cking 8-to-10 footer.

He's...

Where are we going to go?

We've got to get the f*ck out of here!

[theme music plays]

[hens cackling]

[goat bleating]

Careful with that stuff, little buddy.

That weed's from the captain's cupboard.

- Did you have a good sleep?

- [horn beeping]

Just give me a minute, T.

Hey, sweetheart, you're up early.

It's almost noon.

What's wrong with you?

What?

What is it?

Well, Trin's just worried that...

My daughter can speak her own words out, d*ck snot.

What are you worried about, Trin?

You know that I love you and I want to stay with you but you promised we'd only be here for one night.

And now you're hanging up artwork.

You're not going to have your f*cking baby in a g*dd*mn barn.

T's outside right now.

Me and Jacob are going to go with him.

We're going to do whatever the f*ck it takes to find a place for this family to live.

Today.

Please don't do anything illegal and go back to jail.

You have to promise me.

- Please.

- Fine.

I promise that I won't do anything illegal.

'kay?

If you need anything, you can get us on channel 7, all right?

Just try to relax.

You need to relax, Trin.

Just watch some movies with Willy or something.

Come on, let me see that beautiful smile.

- I love you.

- I love you, too.

All right, we'll see you soon.

And Willy, if you've got to piss, bud, remember to go outside.

Okay?

- [goat bleating]

- I love you more than everything.

See you soon.

[cat meowing]

My Cutlass was in mint condition, and now it's on f*cking blocks with no doors and no wheels!

Cocksucker!

Serious prick-play, man.

So is there anything legal I can do here?

Can I sue him, or...?

Well, I mean technically it's a conflict of interest because I represent the little piss-cutter in some other matters.

But he has f*cked over some other people I know.

Look, what if I told you instead of just getting your stuff back, you could acquire the entire property?

How the f*ck am I going to do that?

Ah, well, well, well, well...

Tommy is six months behind on his mortgage payments.

He's almost two years behind on his property taxes.

Now, say a fella like yourself were to walk into a bank with a contract, that I could draw up, you know, for a small cash fee, stating that you could catch up on the mortgage payments and clear any outstanding taxes, why, you could steal that place from under that little d*ck worm.

What do you think, yeah?

It sounds good but...

I don't have any f*cking money.

You've got shares, don't you?

- Ahh...

- Huh?

Man, I wish I could take you guys right in the park, man, but that Leslie d*ck is f*cking crazy.

He searches the car every time now, man.

It's all good, T.

I'm going in old school, man.

Leslie can suck it.

Just pull up by that manhole there.

Holy f*ck!

This weighs a f*cking ton!

What the f*ck are you doing?

Just get it off!

Here, give me the f*cking thing!

Son of a f*cking whore!

It's not that heavy, you f*cking p*ssy!

[straining]

- All right, thanks.

- Good luck.

[Ricky]

I'll meet you guys on Slutson Road.

Call me when you finish at the bank.

Right on.

Thanks, man.

Hey, Bubbs, what you doing?

Protection, Julian.

I'm not letting any 10-foot, slimy slut of a Samsquamptch take me the f*ck out.

Bubbs, th-they don't exist, man.

Oh, they don't exist?

Well, look at that.

You tell me what that is.

- Smell that.

- Jesus Christ!

What the f*ck is that?

It's f*cking Samsquamptch hair.

It was all over my f*cking maple syrup taps.

And you saw one?

Mmm, I didn't see him, but I f*cking smelled him.

Gassy whore!

Do I even have to ask you why you have a f*cking greasy lawyer coming out of there?

It's just a business thing I'm doing.

But, listen, man, I need to borrow some money off you, okay?

Just for a few days.

Jesus Christ, I don't have money to lend you, Julian.

- Come on...

- [Ricky]

f*ck!

f*ck you!

- [dogs barking]

- Yeah!

Hey, boys.

Can't keep me out of the f*cking park.

I'm too smart.

f*ck...

Hey, dude.

What's up?

Where's Jacob?

Do you know if we're hanging later?

No talking, Cory.

Hey, Bubbs.

Ricky, what the f*ck are you doing here?

- Are you insane?

- I just was wondering if I could borrow 200 bucks to get my car back?

What am I, a f*cking bank?

You need money too?

What do you mean, "too"?

I need money for this little business thing I'm setting up.

I guarantee it's way more f*cking important than getting your car back.

- More important?

- Yeah.

I need my f*cking car back to find a place for my family to live and get them out of the barn.

How's my trailer?

Are you comfortable in there?

- It's pretty cozy, actually.

- Boys, calm the f*ck down.

Look, I've got about 400 f*cking dollars to my name but I need that for my Eon's payment.

I can't be doling it out to people.

I'll have it back to you by the end of the day, okay?

- I need my car in order to go...

to work.

- Pffft!

Go...

[silent mouthing]

work?

I know what that means when you start doing that, Ricky.

- Fumbling your f*cking words.

- How about this: I take the 200, get my car back, then I can go...

work, get that money, I'll give it to Julian, he'll be "repawnible" to pay you back.

Look, you get me the money by this afternoon, take me to the bank, I'm good with that.

- What do you say, Bubbs?

- [heavy sigh]

- Come on, buddy.

- f*ck's sakes!

- I'll loan you the g*dd*mn money...

- Yeah!

...only because I love you guys, but I don't trust either of you as far as I can f*cking throw you.

So I'm coming with you to make sure you don't do anything f*cking stupid.

Oh, f*ck, here we go!

[Bubbles]

Ricky, do not f*ck with this guy.

I bet you think you're so clever, infiltrating this compound!

Well, bully for you!

How did you do it?

Actually, I just closed my eyes and dreamed my way in, d*ck lunch!

You're in a whole lot of trouble, Richard.

Do something stupid, d*ck weed.

- Yeah?

- I dare you.

Listen, Colonel weird f*ck.

I'm leaving.

Lucky for you I don't want any trouble.

I would destroy you.

You do realize you're old, right?

Sonny, I used to get piss-drunk on a crate of whisky and take out 10 guys your size just for the hell of it.

That was in the Falklands in '82.

Or was it Grenada '83?

I forget.

One beachhead looks much the same as another...

when you're drunk.

[chuckling]

You know what else looks much the same when you're drunk?

Two of these f*cking things.

f*ck you, f*ck you, and f*ck you, Mohawk.

Get the f*ck out of my way!

He's one powerful brute of a man, isn't he, Randy?

You don't actually believe all of his ridiculous w*r stories, - do you, Mr. Lahey?

- [Ricky]

Hey, boys!

Meet me on Slutson Road.

T's there in the Axi with Jacob.

Hey, Ricky, say hi to Jacob for me, okay?

[Ricky]

f*ck off!

Just worry about blowing up that cock.

Cory, forget about your little boyfriend for a sec.

I have to go do some stuff with Julian.

I'm going to leave you in charge of operations.

Do not f*ck this up.

Cool, man, I got this.

All right, let's go, Bubbs.

- Hey, Jules.

- Hey, Jimmy.

How's it going, buddy?

Great.

I got some super news this morning.

Oh yeah, what's that?

Seems that there's an investor who's very interested in buying Sunnyvale.

Are you f*cking serious?

Only, it's kind of a sticky, sh*t-covered situation, Jules.

Why's that?

Well, it seems this investor's a straight sh**t.

Everything by the book.

And I'm worried that if he finds out about your extensive criminal record, it might jeopardize our deal.

So Barb and I have been talking and we wondered if maybe you'd be willing to sign over your shares.

- Temporarily.

- [sighing]

I mean, they'd still be yours, just not on paper.

Why couldn't you have told me this yesterday?

I'm using my shares as collateral in this little business thing I'm signing off on today.

- f*ck!

- Oh, man.

Look, I'm sorry, man.

But, if there's anything I can do for you...

Holler, man.

All right, let's go, Bubbs.

All right, Jacob.

Quick and dirty.

Let's hit that one first.

Cop car?

Yeah, they got full size spares and they think people are too stupid to break into them.

You're not.

I'll show you the button to pop the trunk.

Let's go.

Quick, quick.

[Bubbles whispering]

Why would he have to do a cop car?

- Nice.

- [Julian]

'Cause he's f*cked.

Take the spare tire and put it in the garbage and it's pretty much legal.

There's a '70s Newport.

Same bolt pattern as the Yorker.

You've got your slim jim?

- Yeah.

- All right, get the f*ck in there.

Ricky, what in your f*cking brain makes you think that this isn't illegal?

Well, maybe what he's doing is a little bit illegal but I'm just collecting garbage.

I'm doing the city a favor.

- Rick, Rick, Rick...

- What?

[Bubbles]

Oh, Jesus Christ.

- What the f*ck are you doing?

- Hi...

Hey, how's it going?

We're from CCA.

We're just here to replace your tire for you.

Well, I never had any flat tires, though.

Yeah, we thought that was a little weird but you called us.

No, I never called you.

Must be your wife or your husband.

- How did you get into my car?

- I don't know.

It's a good thing we came 'cause that tire's about to f*cking explode.

It could've hurt somebody.

- Hey, how are ya?

- Really?

I've never heard of such a thing before.

It happens all the time.

It kills a lot of f*cking people.

- Yeah?

- Actually, it's a good thing we came.

- Well...

- Got any smokes on you, bud?

- I'm f*cking dying here.

- Yeah.

Yeah, I guess.

I'll take a couple there, if you don't mind.

- Two, yeah?

- Yeah.

And we'll get rid of that tire, - so it doesn't blow up and hurt somebody.

- Okay, I guess.

Just buy another one at the auto place or whatever.

- Okay.

- Thanks.

Good job, Jacob.

Whew.

Let's go get my car!

You know what?

It's really cool that Bubbles trusts me enough to run this place all by myself, you know what I'm saying?

And it's going awesome!

The only thing is that I miss Jacob, though.

It's hard having him not much around lately.

Almost.

[Bubbles]

Ricky!

Ricky, you can't take the car until you f*cking get it registered and inspected.

Yeah, sorry, boys.

It's right here in the police report.

Well, cut my balls and slap my cock!

- What the f*ck's going on, Reggie?

- Hey, kitten-fucker!

- Good to see you!

- How long have you been out?

A couple of days.

Hey, this is f*cking great timing.

You can really help me with this.

I just picked up a fuckwad of Purple Cheese clones.

You can move them for me.

Ohh, man...

This is probably the best clone guy in Canada.

I'd love to help you out, but I'm trying to go straight.

You're killin' me right now.

You're going straight?

You know, Ricky, why don't you f*ck yourself straight?

I wouldn't mind picking up some clones.

Jacob, you couldn't get a "cactnus" growed.

Reggie, I can't be dealing with this bullshit right now.

I haven't even started work.

Are we cool here or what?

What, you want me to k*ll this?

- If you can.

- Yeah, f*ck it!

We're cool, brother.

- Good to see you, man.

- Hey.

You decide to start growing again, you know where to find me.

- I appreciate it, but I'm done.

- All right.

- See you, Reggie.

- See you, guys.

"Kitten-fucker"?

...give me baloney?

Or is that supposed to be liverwurst?

[mixed abusive comments]

Oh, gosh, I don't know.

He's a busy, busy boy.

- Hey, Barb, is Donna around?

- Right there.

See you tomorrow, Sherry.

- Thank you.

- Have a good one.

I made you lunch, Donna.

Cheeseburger and onion ring egg rolls, my new specialty.

Jesus, Randy, a tossed salad would've been nice.

That greasy sh*t goes straight to my f*ck-handles.

Sorry.

I was trying to do something sweet for you.

Oh, making me fat is sweet?

They sound delicious, Randy.

- I'll eat them.

- Thanks, Mr. Lahey.

At least someone appreciates my effort.

Oh, please, Randy.

You're going to start liking men again?

Stay the hell away from my work.

Mrs. Tremblay?

We're ready for you.

Jim.

So how did it go with Julian?

- Oh, not great, Barb.

- [groans]

But, say, I was thinking of planking a salmon tonight for supper.

- Can you come?

- [chuckling]

You silver-tongued devil!

- Maybe make it an early night...

- Well, we'll see.

Barb!

Are you seriously thinking of getting back together with him?

Oh, I don't know, Sarah.

I just know it feels good.

And that's what I need right now: to feel good.

I'll see you same time tomorrow?

[sighing]

- T, are you all right?

- I'm all right.

You got any, like, gum or breath mints or anything?

Yeah.

Here.

You must be doing something all right 'cause we have three ladies booked for special massage with you later today.

We're going to need something stronger than this sh*t, then, 'cause it ain't working.

[Bubbles]

Jesus Christ, Ricky, why the f*ck do we stop here right now?

[Rick]

Well...

We need some...

We need some chips.

Oh, yeah?

You're stopping for f*cking chips, are you?

This is for your family, Jacob.

So don't f*ck this up, okay?

In and out, and we only need $300 or $400.

I'm nervous, Ricky.

I'm not good at this kind of thing.

You don't need to be f*cking nervous.

Just tell them we're borrowing the money, we'll pay it back in a couple weeks.

Okay?

- Should be cool.

- Can't get in much trouble for that.

Guy that works here is really stupid, should be all right.

Get some food.

I'm starving.

And some other sh*t.

[Bubbles]

Jesus Christ!

Does he have a mask on?

- [Jacob]

Freeze!

- [Bubbles]

Oh, my God!

I guess Jacob knows the guy in here.

He's going to borrow some money and other sh*t.

[Bubbles]

Why has he got a mask on, then?

[Trinity on two-way radio]

Dad...

my ...ter broke...

What the f*ck did she say?

f*ck, I think she may have said her water broke.

Water broke?

There's no plumbing in the f*cking barn.

How the f*ck does the water break?

No, Ricky.

That means she might be having the baby.

- Get in!

- What the f*ck?!

Holy f*ck!

Trin?

If you can hear me, we'll be right there.

Don't panic.

Everything's going to be okay.

[Jacob]

Get me out of here!

[Bubbles]

f*ck, Jacob, what did you do?

I know that's you, Trevor!

What the f*ck, Ricky!

I'm sorry, boys.

It's for our family, I had no choice!

Will you f*ck off with the throwing sh*t!

- f*ck!

- Cocksucker!

You throw one more f*cking thing, I f*cking bury you!

- Drive!

- f*cking goof!

[Jacob]

That guy f*cking jammed on me!

f*ck.

[angry growl]

[Jacob]

Oh, man, am I cut bad?

Would you shut the f*ck up, Jacob!

Trinity's water just broke.

I thought there was no plumbing in the barn.

Oh, Jacob, you stupid f*ck-piss!

She's having the baby.

Trin?

Can you hear me?

If you can hear me, try to keep that thing in your body.

- We're almost there, sweetheart.

- Go around.

- We're almost there.

- [car horn blaring]

- [Trin screaming]

Dad!

- Hang on, Trin!

Daddy's here!

Everything's gonna be all right.

[Bubbles]

Hang on, Trin!

Go, Jacob!

Hey, hey, hey!

What's going on?

[g*nsh*t]

- Ah, f*ck!

- [Bubbles]

Oh, f*ck!

I'm f*cking sh*t again!

f*ck this!

Jesus Christ, Ricky, where are you sh*t?

[Trinity]

Dad!

- Trinity!

- Hang on, Trin, I'll be right there!

Ricky!

Hold your fire, assh*le!

Will you f*ck off with the f*cking shotgun!

My daughter's baby's about to get f*cking born in your barn!

- [Bubbles]

Come on, Ricky.

- For Merciful Christ!

- Are you serious?

- [Trinity]

Holy f*ck!

Does she sound like she's joking, you religious shotgun whore?

Holy f*ck!

Maybe I can help.

I've delivered calves before.

Yeah, well, babies don't get born from your f*cking legs, you idiot!

How's that going to f*cking help?

[Trinity]

Ahhh, ahhh!

Oh, my God!

[wailing]

Pick a lane, Julian.

Don't go too far, Willy.

An update, Jacob.

An update.

It's really close.

I can see its head.

[Bubbles]

What?

Way to go, Trin!

A couple more hard pushes!

Come on, honey.

Bring that f*cking thing into this world.

Ricky...

Come on, Trin.

f*cking come on.

You can do this, Trin.

Keep pushing, sweetie.

Oh, my f*ck...

Oh, my God.

Oh, my f*ck!

It's a baby boy!

- [chuckling]

- Yes!

- Ricky!

- f*cking awesome!

You're a grandfather!

We're uncles, Jules.

[tickling]

- Take a sip, grampa.

- Are you serious?

- Yes, man.

- Thanks, man.

God.

- Congratulations, Trin.

- Congrats, Trin.

Congrats, my beautiful daughter.

A baby f*cking boy!

Jesus Christ!

This calls for a celebration, boys.

Here!

What did you get, Jacob?

Air fresheners and chocolate coins.

Fireworks.

Why didn't you steal some f*cking cigars?

Sorry, Bubbs.

Rick, I need my drink back.

Oh, did I get some on him?

Sorry, little buddy.

You're going to be a little drinker and a little smoker?

Oh my God, he's been anointed in liquor.

[baby cooing]

Do you want to know something?

I am the luckiest man in the world.

I have a f*cking gramson.

Not to mention, I mean, my beautiful daughter.

I have a new son-of-law.

I've got a wicked willy-goat.

I've still got Orangie here.

I mean, I don't really have a great place to live and...

I don't have Lucy back.

She's probably banging George.

Could even be banging him right now.

Anyway, from now on, my life is just all about family.

It's f*cking awesome!

Want a hit, Orangie?

There you go, little buddy.

Here's your cash, man.

Here's your deed transfer.

Thank you.

And here's your, uh, insurance papers.

Just sign that for basic coverage.

Oh, and I checked into that other thing.

There's no investor.

I knew he was f*cking bullshitting me, man.

Great.

Congratulations!

- You own a motel.

- Ah...

Hey, Tommy!

Oh, hey, Jules!

You got my greenbacks fast!

Ha!

Hey, sorry about your car again, man.

Listen, I'll take 100 bucks off the parking fee, okay?

Or maybe I should charge you 100 bucks standing around fee for trespassing on my motel.

- What the f*ck are you talking about?

- This is mine now.

You shouldn't have been so f*cking far behind on your payments, Tommy.

Now get off my property before I call the cops.

Hey man, you can't do this.

What about all my sh*t?

Don't worry, you'll get it back.

But it's going to cost you.

- Ohhh...

- Business is business, brother.

You're a back-stabbing, conniving shitfuck, Julian!

- I will dent your f*cking sku-- Oof!

- Tommy!

Go sell a bag of beans, you pill-popping little f*ck.

[Tommy]

I will f*cking destroy you!

Who the f*ck do you think you're dealing with, man?

f*ck you, Tommy B.

You m*therf*cker, I'll get you!

Ahhh!

Holy sweet flying f*ck!

What was I thinking leaving Cory Cockbutter in charge?

[mixed abusive comments]

[Bubbles]

Calm down...

Calm down!

What the hell is going on?

What the f*ck is going on?

Everybody just calm down for a minute.

I can't, dude, I'm scared.

Bubbles, what the hell's going on here?

This is a serious noise violation that will result in fines if you do not get this under control!

This little sh*t-guzzler has been f*cking up big time all day and we are not taking it any more.

Okay, just everybody calm down, please.

I obviously shouldn't have left him in f*cking charge 'cause he can't do anything right.

I'm going to put on free breakfast and coffee for everybody in the morning to make up for this.

Cory, get the f*ck down here and apologize.

I'm sorry for this, Colonel Dancer.

Look, everybody listen.

I'm very sorry.

It's just...

it's really hard...

you don't understand when you have to run a place like this by yourself.

Oh, shut up, you f*cking little cry-baby!

Bubbles, if this happens again, there will be a hefty fine.

- Are we clear?

- Yes.

Crystal clear.

And let's keep a watch on the swearing, shall we?

[fake cough]

f*ck you.

That was just...

She's just clearing - her throat, sir.

- Ahem!

You're lucky she didn't b*at the living sh*t out of you.

You're f*cking right.

Well, I may yet.

What do you think, little buddy?

Thanks for the fur.

How's the new granddad doing?

Where is everyone, man?

They're at the hospital.

Trinity's staying there overnight.

- Want a drink?

- Cool.

What the f*ck is that thing?

It's a f*cking hair bear, man.

They were huge in the '80s.

The old man couldn't afford a real one, so he made me one.

I loved the f*cking thing, so I'm making one for Trin's baby.

Are you okay?

I figured you'd be partying your ass off, - celebrating, man.

- Yeah, I'm fine.

It's just...

I promised Trinity I wouldn't let her f*cking baby get born in a barn.

I still have no place to live.

I guess now I'm going to end up taking her to f*cking George's house, that family-stealing slut donkey.

Well, I've got a surprise for you, man.

[keys jingling]

I just bought a motel.

You guys can all come and live with me, even this little fucker.

- What the f*ck are you talking about?

- Yeah, I bought it.

We can all live there, work there together.

No more Lahey-Leslie bullshit.

We'll live a clean life, man.

- Holy f*ck!

Are you serious?

- f*ck, yeah!

f*ck, Julian...

You really are an awesome friend, man.

My family f*cking thanks you.

Yeah, it's no problem, man.

Hey, man, do you want to smoke a joint to celebrate?

f*ck, yeah!

Weed, hash or f*cking oil?

You pick.

I can't f*cking smoke three at a time.

[sigh]

[choking, wheezing]

Here, take these f*cking things, you lunatic.