01x07 - Grandma Was a Rolling Stone

[bunniefuu]

TRANSCRIBED BY BRYCE D. MAYROSE

(CORY and SHAWN are in the backyard, collecting snails)

ALAN Hey, guys. Hmm, collecting snails?

CORY Yeah, Mr. Feeny said we could take ‘em off his flowers and use ‘em for bait for when we

all go fishing Sunday.

ALAN Fish don’t eat snails.

FEENY (chuckles) Gee, I guess I was mistaken.

ALAN Well, whenever you guys get ready, the bass master here is all set to pass on to the

younger generation some of the finer points of spin casting.

CORY Manipulating young and impressionable minds. I hope you’re proud of yourself, Mr.

Feeny.

FEENY Indeed I am, Mr. Matthews.

ALAN Come on, guys. Now, the main thing to remember is that basically, it’s a simple flick of

the wrist. You open the bail, hold the line with your finger, and then it’s two o’ clock,

ten o’ clock; two o’ clock, ten o’ clock; two o’ clock, ten o’ clock…

CORY Kind of a “quarter after three” thing you got going on there, Dad, huh?

FEENY May a, ah, fellow angler try his luck?

ALAN Be my guest, George.

FEENY (mutters, casts perfectly into a bucket) It’s like getting back on a bicycle. One never

forgets.

CORY Mr. Feeny, you fish?

FEENY Oh, sure, I’m an old bass hog from way back. I’ll never forget that September morn.

1956. I was after smallmouth bass on the Louisiana delta.

ALAN Sounds fascinating, George.

FEENY Spanish moss hanging down, and the cypress knees jutting up through the brackish water

of the bayou…

ALAN Sounds fascinating, George.

CORY Dad, how come Eric’s not coming with us this year?

ALAN Well, your brother’s discovered girls. He can’t sit still. When you’re Eric’s age and you

can’t sit still, I’ll take Morgan. It’s the endless cycle of fishing.

CORY And what about after Morgan?

ALAN Well, then, I’ll just be some guy in a fishing hat with a lot of boring stories.

CORY Did you just scare yourself, Dad?

ALAN Oh, yes, I think I did.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(MORGAN and ERIC are in the living room)

MORGAN Hi, I’m Morgan, and this is my brother, Eric. He’s very shy.

ERIC Ha ha ha, good girl!

AMY Eric, what are you teaching her?

ERIC Nothing.

MORGAN I’m gonna help Eric meet girls.

ERIC No, you don’t. She doesn’t. You don’t.

MORGAN My brother thinks you are so cute. Aww…

AMY (laughs) So this is why you’ve been taking her to the mall. Well, I think it’s great.

ERIC You do?

AMY Mm-hmm.

ERIC Ha ha ha!

AMY I think it’s a perfect way for you and your sister to spend quality time together.

ERIC Well, you know, some guys use a golden retriever; I figure, why not use the Weasel here?

(horn honks, plays “La Cucaracha”)

ERIC It’s Grandma!

MORGAN Hey, it’s Grandma!

ALAN Yeah, it’s Grandma.

GRANDMA OK, open up a lane, I’m coming through. I been sitting on my keister for ten hours in

that Winnebago. I need some stretchin’ room. Hey!

MORGAN Grandma! Grandma!

GRANDMA Hey!

GRANDMA / Where’s my present?

MORGAN

GRANDMA I thought this year maybe you were gonna buy me one.

MORGAN Nuh-uh. You’re the grandma.

GRANDMA I am? Oh. Well, in that case, oh, oh, what have we here?

MORGAN A dolly!

GRANDMA (laughs) Well, it s a shrunken head. Not a real one. They don’t sell real ones in Tijuana.

Not for a buck.

ERIC That’s a cool bullwhip, Grandma.

GRANDMA Oh, yeah, and it’s yours. I had the wagon master to go with it, but he slipped out of the

cuffs in Juarez. (to AMY) I know, I know, I didn’t call.

AMY You never do, Grandma.

GRANDMA Well, it’s not my style. Hey, I got something for you, too. Yeah – dried cactus. It’s from

Albuquerque. An old Navajo tradition. Keeps you regular as a diesel.

ALAN Well, thanks for preparing us for middle age, Mom. We’ll think of you… several times a

day.

AMY So, what brings you to our neck of the woods? Did your convoy swing through?

GRANDMA Yeah, yeah, we made a k*lling in bingo country, so now we’re heading out to Palm

Springs to buy ourselves some new butts.

CORY (enters) Grandma!

GRANDMA Kiddo! Finally decided to show your face, huh? What’d they do, let you out of detention

early?

CORY Yeah, well, I heard “La Cucaracha” from all the way down at the park. How long are you

staying?

GRANDMA Ah, just the weekend. Speaking of which, hey, you two kids, cancel all your plans for

Saturday, ‘cause, Morgan, you and I are gonna go shopping. We are gonna buy so many

new clothes you won’t know what to do with them all.

MORGAN I’ll wear them, then I’ll throw then on the floor.

GRANDMA Why not? And then, I thought we’d take in the auto show. I hear they got some pretty

hot babes sittin’ on the hoods of those hot rods.

ERIC There’s something I might enjoy.

GRANDMA (laughs) And Sunday, kiddo, you and I – we are gonna go get this baseball card signed by

the guy in the picture.

CORY Cal Ripken? (screaming) This is Cal Ripken’s rookie card! How’d you get this?

GRANDMA How’d I get it? I sh*t a man in Reno just to watch him die, and then I pried that out of

his cold, dead fingers. Or, I bought it for seven bucks at a swap meet. You make the

call.

CORY And we’re gonna get him to sign it?

GRANDMA Well, how would you like that?

CORY What, are you new?

(TIME CHANGE)

(ERIC and GRANDMA walk in, coming from the auto show)

GRANDMA Oh, man, that was the best auto show ever. They had Bernie Cappelle and Jamie Farr

right up there on the same stage. Where else you gonna get that?

ERIC Hey, Cor, check it out. I had the Lamborghini girl sign my arm.

CORY Lamborghini girl? Eric, how can you even compare the Lamborghini girl to Cal Ripken?

Has the Lamborghini girl played nineteen hundred straight games?

ERIC Well, no, but has Cal Ripken ever posed for the Victoria’s Secret catalog?

CORY Eric, I feel we’re growing apart.

ERIC I told her maybe we could take a drive once I get my license. She laughed, but it was a

flirty laugh. Grazie, La Tertiana. I think she’s French. (exits to kitchen)

GRANDMA Boy, I’m bushed. What with chasin’ your sister in and out of dressing rooms, and

chasing your brother away from those bikini model’s dressing rooms, these dogs are

barkin’.

CORY You’re not too tired for tomorrow, are you?

GRANDMA Are you kidding, you and me? I wouldn’t mss that for the world.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(ERIC is entering the kitchen from the living room; FEENY knocks on the door)

FEENY Mr. Matthews, just the man I wanted to see.

ERIC Mr. Feeny.

FEENY Let me ask you: if one were entertaining a young woman – a young girl your age – um,

how would he go about it?

ERIC Mr. Feeny, you datin’ a teenage girl?

FEENY Not since the Eisenhower administration. No, my niece is visiting for a few days; she’s

your age, she’ll need to be entertained, and I thought that maybe you could help me out.

ERIC Look, I would love to meet your niece, Mr. Feeny, but, see, I got this really bad case of

strep throat spreading down my lungs, and my – into my pancreas, so, as you can see, I’m

– I’m completely strep.

FEENY Relax. I’m merely curious as to how a contemporary teenage girl entertains herself.

ERIC Oh, okay. Well, it’s my experience that if they can’t find a senior with a car, they’ll settle

for some gullible sophomore who’s willing to empty his pockets on a dinner he can’t

really afford, a movie he doesn’t want to see, and a door slammed in his face.

FEENY Somewhere in that brimming cup of bile, I heard “dinner and a movie”?

ERIC Yeah, see, dinner and a movie is the premier form of dating entertainment, you know?

Dinner, movie; movie, dinner, dinner-dinner-movie-movie.

FEENY A wonderfully rich tapestry of human experience.

ERIC Don’t mock what I am, Mr. Feeny.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(AMY is in the kitchen; CORY comes down the stairs)

CORY Mom, where’s Grandma? We were supposed to leave ten minutes ago, and her

Winnebago’s not even outside.

AMY You know what, Cor, I was gonna bake some blueberry muffins. You wanna help me?

CORY Bake? Yeah. Yeah, I do. There’s nothing I’d rather do more. Huh – wait – I’m lying.

I’d rather go to Baltimore.

AMY Well, how abut just until you leave.

ERIC Ahh. So, how long do you think I could go without taking a shower before my arm gets

all gross and disgusting?

CORY Is this what’s gonna happen to me when my hormones kick in?

ERIC Yeah, like I don’t have anything else on my mind but girls. Look, I got a lot of other

things on my mind besides girls, a lot of other things, there’s like – girl! Girl! Right

there, right there!

CORY Where?

ERIC It’s Feeny’s niece. She’s unbelievable. I – I gotta think, I gotta think… I gotta take her

to a world she’s never been to before. Dinner, movie; movie, dinner. This has to be

perfectly orchestrated or else it’s gonna - Weasel! (goes to living room) Okay, Weasel, do

you remember what we’ve been practicing?

MORGAN (deadpan) This is my brother Eric, he’s very shy.

ERIC Perfect. Look, in exactly one minute, I want you to come outside and do what we’ve

been doing at the mall.

MORGAN How will I know when it’s a minute?

ERIC (grabs egg timer) Hey? Minute, ding; minute, ding; minute, ding. Movie, dinner; movie,

dinner… (runs outside, jumps into FEENY’s garden) How you doin’, Mr. Feeny, and

how can I help you in the garden today? (picks up bag of fertilizer) (to JESSICA) Oh, hi.

I’m Eric.

JESSICA I’m Jessica.

FEENY Strep throat cleared up, did it Mr. Matthews?

ERIC Strep throat? A guy like me? No, see, I work out much too hard to ever get strep throat.

So, uh, where would you like me to move this enormously heavy bag of fertilizer?

FEENY I hadn’t planned on moving it at all.

ERIC Well, let me just effortlessly toss it over here then. Hoo-duh!

MORGAN This is my brother Eric. He’s very shy.

FEENY Speaking of fertilizer…

JESSICA Is this your little sister?

ERIC That she is.

MORGAN I love Eric.

FEENY Oh, please, Jessica you couldn’t possibly fall for this line of …

JESSICA She is so cute!

FEENY And so well-rehearsed.

MORGAN Eric’s taking me to the carnival today.

ERIC When did I say that?

FEENY (chuckles) Looks like your parrot has learned a few new words.

MORGAN You wanna come with us?

ERIC Oh, with us, to the carnival with us? Yes, please come with us.

JESSICA Well, if that’s okay with you, Uncle George.

FEENY Well, I think the polite thing would be to extend an invitation for me to join you.

ERIC (strained) Mr. Feeny, would you like to come to the carnival with us?

FEENY Oh, thank you so very much for asking, but no. I’d rather have gum surgery.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(AMY and CORY are baking)

AMY Okay, now remember to take those out in a couple of minutes so they don’t stick.

CORY Yeah, Mom, I kinda got the hang of it in the last four batches. Is Grandma lost, or what?

AMY I don’t know, Cor, but – hey, you know what? I was gonna bake a cake next. You

wanna help me out?

CORY Look, Mom, I know you’re trying to do this to distract me and all, but what if something

happened to Grandma? Maybe we should call the police.

AMY No, I don’t think so.

CORY Why not?

AMY Because I’m sure that she’s fine

CORY Then why isn’t she here yet?

AMY Honey, I’ve known your grandmother for a long time, and there’s something you need to

understand about her.

CORY I understand that if Grandma’s not here yet, she must have a very good reason. (looks

outside) She’s not coming, is she?

(COMMERCIAL BREAK)

AMY I’m sorry, Cor, I know this is disappointing.

CORY Ah, it was just a stupid road trip. I mean, what kinda city is Baltimore, anyway? An

American League city.

AMY Hey, why don’t you call Shawn, see if he wants to go bowling.

CORY Cool. I’ll drive.

AMY Or I’ll drive.

CORY That could work too. I’ll call my best bud, Shawn. The one guy I can count on to be

there. Hi, Ms. Hunter, it’s Cory. Shawn around? What do you mean he’s gone fishing?

(to AMY) Did you know your husband’s cheating on me with someone else’s son?

AMY You forgot to call Shawn.

CORY Goodbye, Mrs. Hunter. (to AMY) I forgot.

AMY You didn’t tell him you weren’t going on the fishing trip?

CORY I forgot.

AMY So he still showed up.

CORY I guess he didn’t forget. And now he’s out there with my dad, drinking root beer, eating

potato chips, bonding away. I miss one thing with my dad and he drops me for the first

available son.

AMY Where are you going?

CORY I’ll be in the tree house. Hold my calls.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY is in the tree house; ERIC, MORGAN, and JESSICA are below)

MORGAN Eric is the best brother in the whole world.

ERIC That’s enough, Morgan.

JESSICA That was so sweet of you to play four hours of skee-ball just to win her that giraffe.

ERIC Three thousand tickets.

MORGAN Eric’s gonna give me his new sunglasses.

ERIC No, he’s not.

JESSICA You know, you can really tell a lot about a guy by the way he treats his sister.

ERIC Oh, you mean these? There you go.

MORGAN Eric is such a good-looking boy.

ERIC Yeah, thanks.

MORGAN Are we all done for the day?

ERIC Yes, we’re done, bye-bye.

JESSICA She’s adorable.

ERIC She’s not the only one.

JESSICA Who’s Grazie LaTerziana?

ERIC What?

JESSICA The name that’s written on your arm.

ERIC Uhh... I can’t stop every girl who wants to sign my body.

JESSICA Oh, Mr. Charming.

ERIC I could loan you a pen.

JESSICA And smart, too, using his little sister as date bait like that.

ERIC That obvious, huh?

JESSICA Oh, yeah.

ERIC Big mistake?

JESSICA Did I say that?

ERIC So I didn’t have to work so hard.

JESSICA Who said you had to work at all?

(ERIC and JESSICA kiss; ALAN and SHAWN enter)

ALAN Nice night, huh?

ERIC Yeah.

ALAN Well, we’re just, uh, passin’ through.

ERIC Good. Pass.

SHAWN Eric, the Lipmaster!

ERIC Yeah, sure. Look, anybody else, or are we all done here?

CORY Everyone have a great day without me?

ERIC How long have you been up there?

CORY Long enough to watch you swap spit with a Feeny.

ERIC Well, I’d say the mood is sufficiently k*lled, wouldn’t you?

JESSICA Dead and buried.

ERIC I think my little sister is busy tomorrow, so, looks like it’s just you and me.

JESSICA I’ll bring the pen. Good night… everyone!

ALAN She’s related to Feeny?

ERIC Niece.

ALAN Nice.

ERIC Nice? She’s beautiful. I mean, that’s the most incredible girl I ever kissed.

CORY Which puts her at the top of a list of, what? Two?

ERIC Look, making out is not a spectator sport. (exits)

ALAN / SHAWN Oooo. (applaud)

ALAN What are you doing back from Baltimore so early?

CORY I didn’t go to Baltimore.

ALAN Why not?

CORY ‘Cause I stayed here all day, ‘cause grandma dumped me, while my best friend was out

stealing my dad.

SHAWN Oh, grow up. I wasn’t stealing your father.

ALAN Good night, Shawn.

SHAWN Night, Dad.

ALAN So Grandma never showed, huh?

CORY Nah, she didn’t.

ALAN You wanna talk about it?

CORY Doesn’t really seem like there’s much to talk about.

ALAN Hoo, boy, are you wrong.

CORY Where are you going?

ALAN I’m hungry. Shawn ate everything on the boat except the worms.

CORY He usually likes those. (they go in the kitchen) Uh, I can highly recommend the muffins.

ALAN These are a little dry.

CORY Great. I cook and I sl*ve and this is the thanks I get.

ALAN You made these?

CORY I didn’t have anything else to do, ‘cause Grandma didn’t show up.

ALAN I been there.

CORY Wait a minute - she did this to you?

ALAN Hey, pick a category. You like sports? Birthdays? You like rocket ships?

CORY I’ll take rocket ships.

ALAN All right, um, one day my class was supposed to go on this field trip to the Franklin

Museum of Science to see the “Man in Space” exhibit.

CORY Cool.

ALAN Yeah, it would’ve been, except that Grandma forgot to return the permission slip, so I

didn’t get to go.

CORY I been there.

ALAN Yeah, me too, and I felt just the way you’re feeling now.

CORY Did you hate her?

ALAN Well, no, its kinda hard to hate her, Cor, you know, ‘cause a couple of months later, she

woke me up in the middle of the night, she bundles me up, she throws me in the

Winnebago, we drive for two days and two nights.

CORY Where’d she take you?

ALAN Cape Canaveral. Mercury 3 – first American in space. My classmates are back in

Philadelphia looking at a little black and white TV, you know – I’m there, feeling the

heat from the rocket on my face.

CORY Grandma took you all the way to Cape Canaveral?

ALAN See, Grandma doesn’t show love like other people do, but she loves you no matter what

you think. She just shows love in her own way. And when she’s with you, she wants it to

be so special that you’ll always remember.

CORY I always do remember.

ALAN Yeah, so do I. When that rocket took off, and the smile on my face was a mile wide, and

all America was watching their little TV set, I remember that my mother was watching

me. (“La Cucaracha” plays) Guess who? (goes to door) Hi, Mom.

GRANDMA Hi, Alan.

ALAN You’ll never change, will you?

GRANDMA Would you want me to?

ALAN Nope.

GRANDMA Hey, kiddo, look. I know we were supposed to go to Baltimore today, but you’ll never

believe what came up.

CORY It doesn’t matter, Grandma

GRANDMA Oh, sure it does.

CORY I know you wanted to take me.

GRANDMA I – I – I really did.

CORY Did I tell you that my Cal Ripken card was my favorite one?

GRANDMA It is?

CORY Yeah, and his signature might have just messed it up, just like that Lamborghini girl

messed up Eric’s arm

GRANDMA The next time my convoy swings by here, you and I are going to do something really

special.

CORY I can’t wait.

ERIC Hi, Grandma, Cor. Look Dad, I’ve been up in my room for the last twenty minutes,

okay?

FEENY Alan, I would appreciate it if you kept your son and his hormones inside the house at

least until my niece leaves.

ALAN Why, George, what are you talking about? Eric’s been up in his room for -

ERIC - twenty -

ALAN - minutes.

FEENY Excuse me, I will not be jerked around.

GRANDMA Oh, well, excuse me, but as the matriarch of this family, not to mention a card-carrying

member of the Kiwanis club, I can personally vouch for the fact that this fine young man

has been up in his room for the past 20 minutes.

FEENY And excuse me, Miss Kiwanis, but how could you know that, when I just saw you pull up

in your Winnebago and run over my mums not forty seconds ago?

GRANDMA Who is this guy?

CORY My teacher.

GRANDMA Does he give you straight A’s?

CORY No.

GRANDMA And why not?

FEENY Have you talked to the boy?

GRANDMA Okay, Teach, you’d just better kiss the rest of those mums goodbye.

FEENY Who is that woman?

CORY My grandma. Don’t you just love her?

FEENY No, I don’t.

CORY Well, I do.

(“La Cucaracha”)

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY and SHAWN are in CORY’s bedroom)

SHAWN Cal Ripken, Junior – rookie year. I never thought I’d actually get to hold one of these

things.

CORY My grandma picked it up at this swap meet for seven bucks.

SHAWN Seven bucks in dog years. This baby’s worth a hundred and fifty, easy.

CORY It is?

SHAWN Yeah. Boy, your grandma must really love you.

CORY Yeah. Or else she sh*t a man in Reno just to watch him die.

SHAWN You’re kidding, right?

CORY I’m not sure.