02x02 - Pairing Off

[bunniefuu]

TRANSCRIBED BY BRYCE D. MAYROSE

(RICHARD and CINDY are kissing in the hallway; CORY and SHAWN are observing)

CORY Richard and Cindy?

SHAWN Very deeply in love.

CORY Since when?

SHAWN Lunch.

FEENY Ah, Mr. Hekyll and Mr. Jekyll. Don’t we have classes to attend?

CORY Mr. Feeny, shouldn’t you break them up, or hose them down, or something?

FEENY Oh, I wouldn’t interrupt their tryst, Mr. Matthews. They’re both A-minus students and

happily struck by cupid.

CORY So if they were C-minus students, you wouldn’t let them kiss?

FEENY School policy, don’t you know.

CORY So I can’t kiss?

FEENY With your grades, Mr. Matthews, you can’t even shake hands.

CORY Just watch, Mr. Feeny, by the end of the year I plan to have an A-plus average – and a

hickie.

FEENY Dare to dream, Mr. Matthews.

CORY Holy cow, Jerry and Shoshanna?

SHAWN Deeply.

CORY Has the whole world paired off?

SHAWN Pretty much.

CORY Is there a list posted somewhere where I find out what girl’s been assigned to me?

SHAWN You want a girlfriend?

CORY No, not a girlfriend, just a girl who’s like a friend, but not a girlfriend.

SHAWN How about her? How about the new girl?

CORY No. I mean, I don’t know her. Shut up.

SHAWN I want someone I know… someone who knows me… someone who we know each other.

Someone like. .. Topanga! Topanga. My honey. May I call you honey?

TOPANGA No.

CORY Topanga, my girl, my friend, my girlie friend. Believe me, I don’t want this any more

than you do, but everybody around here’s pairing off, and I think you and I should spare

ourselves a lot of uncoolness and walk through life together.

TOPANGA Cory, my dear little butthead. May I call you butthead?

CORY Sure.

TOPANGA I can’t walk through life with you.

CORY Is there someone else?

TOPANGA There’s everybody else.

CORY Why? We’re already standing together, and we look great! Oh, c’mon, work with me

here!

TOPANGA Cory, when guys and girls go out, first they fall passionately in love, then after a week

they hate each other. So for one great passionate week, we’d lose a friendship that could

last a lifetime.

CORY I’m in if you are.

TOPANGA Cory, don’t worry. I’m sure there’s someone out there for you.

CORY Give me a name! For the record, I dumped her.

SHAWN That’s how I saw it.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(SHAWN and CORY are in health class)

SHAWN Well, Dubin’s out sick again.

CORY Health teacher sick again? Not a lot of credibility.

SHAWN Wonder what kind of creepy substitute we’ll get today.

CORY Wow.

SHAWN That is no substitute – that is the real thing

MISS KELLY Good afternoon class, I’m Miss Kelly, and I’ll be filling in for Mr. Dubin for the next few

days.

SHAWN On behalf of the entire class, I’d like to say, stay as long as you’d like!

MISS KELLY Now, right now you seem to be covering …

SHAWN CPR. And I’m today’s dummy.

MISS KELLY No, actually we seem to be up to human reproduction. Which I hope we can discuss in a

mature fashion.

SHAWN Oh, stop being so young. You know, I’m not as young as they are. I’ve stayed back,

like, 50 times.

MISS KELLY Really. How old are you?

SHAWN Twenty-four.

MISS KELLY Really? What are you doing in a seventh grade classroom?

SHAWN I’m a cop.

MISS KELLY Sit down.

SHAWN Alright, but I’m watching you.

MISS KELLY All right, who can tell us the name of the organ where the eggs are stored? Officer?

SHAWN Sorry, Miss Kelly, I don’t have that stuff. I can name the stuff I have, or at least what I

call them.

MISS KELLY Any questions? Yes?

CORY How do you get a girl to say hi?

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY and SHAWN are in the hallway)

CORY Michael and Lisa Marie?

SHAWN Looks like it.

CORY Since when?

SHAWN Just now. That was it.

CORY What, that?

SHAWN Yeah. You saw it happen.

CORY I cant’ believe it. I saw it happen, and I still don’t know how it happens.

SHAWN Sop obsessing, man, you’re gonna pop a lobe.

CORY You’re right, I should relax, because this coupling thing, it’s just a phase. How long

could it last, a few weeks?

TURNER The cafeteria’s right this way. They know me there, I’ll get us a good table.

TEACHER You would do that for me?

TURNER I’m very tight with Bertha, the lunchroom lady. Yeah, I once rescued a dolphin from her

hairnet.

CORY Okay, maybe it’ll last a few years.

FEENY Yes I’m acting principal now. The pressures would be daunting for a man half my age.

Fortunately, I have a vitality that belies my years.

CORY I’m the only one who doesn’t know how it’s done.

SHAWN Listen, I think I found something that kinda works.

CORY What?

SHAWN This.

GIRL Hi, Shawn.

CORY Wow, from across the hall.

SHAWN Yeah, I got a thirty-foot range.

CORY What, you just jerk your head?

SHAWN Watch again. I’m still young enough I can do this twice in a row.

-

GIRL Shawn, it’s so strange. I was just thinking about you.

SHAWN And that’s without conditioner.

TOPANGA Cory, what is it?

CORY You were just drawn to me, weren’t you?

TOPANGA No, I thought you had head lice. Are you alright?

CORY Yeah, I’m great.

TOPANGA Oh. Good.

BOY Hi Topanga, I was just thinking about you.

CORY I need new hair.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(ERIC and REBECCA walk into the kitchen where MORGAN and AMY are preparing to leave)

ERIC Hi, Mom, this is Rebecca. Now, it’s kind of a new relationship, so don’t say anything too

embarrassing, ok?

AMY Oh, hi, Rebecca. He wet his bed till he was twelve. Oops…

ERIC Wanna sit? Hey weasel, you wanna move your stuff off the table? We gotta cram for the

math test tomorrow.

MORGAN My name’s not Weasel. It’s Morgan.

ERIC I thought you liked it when I called you Weasel.

MORGAN I’ve never liked it. You like it so much, it’s your name now. Weasel.

REBECCA What an assertive little sister you have!

AMY Oh, it’s the uniform. When she takes it off she has a vulnerable side, I’m almost certain.

OK, Morgan, soccer practice. Remember what we learned last week?

MORGAN Don’t kick the coach.

(MORGAN and AMY leave)

ERIC Hey, before we get started, why don’t we take a break? Can I get you something to

drink? I got full access to all the major appliances in the kitchen.

REBECCA Aren’t you gonna show me your house first?

ERIC The house? You- you wanna see the house? Sure. This is the house.

REBECCA Are there any other rooms?

ERIC Uh, yeah, there’s probably one right through here, do you wanna… ? Alright… Hey I

was right. This is the living room. This is where we live. And this is the couch where

much of the sitting takes place.

REBECCA Aren’t you going to show me the upstairs?

ERIC Yeah boy, yeah boy, yeah boy, yeah … The upstairs. I love the upstairs. You know, we

weren’t even going to have an upstairs, but I made them put it in because I knew you

were coming.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY and SHAWN are in the kitchen, walking into the living room)

CORY Nobody told me about this girl thing, Shawn. I mean, no one warned me. I thought they

were just there. I didn’t know they were interactive.

SHAWN You’ll get the hang of it.

CORY Sure, it’s easy for you. Your hair moves.

SHAWN There’s other techniques.

CORY Like what?

ERIC I don’t know. I just do hair.

CORY Yeah, but where do I get my technique?

ERIC Ask your brother, he’s got the boom.

CORY You know what? Let’s just forget this whole subject. There are a million other things to

do in the world. I mean, we’re too young to worry about finding mates.

ERIC You’re right. See ya.

CORY Where are you going?

ERIC Off to meet girls. I’ve got a thirty-foot range. (tousles hair)

GIRL Is that you, Shawn?

(SHAWN leaves)

CORY Get out. Fine. No girls for me. (sits on couch, opens book) I’ll just study and get good

grades and get smart and become a famous scientist, and then, I’ll build a wife! (almost

instantly) I’m bored. What’s that? Mom? Dad? Are you home? (CORY walks upstairs,

and into ALAN and AMY’s bedroom where ERIC and REBECCA are making out)

ERIC Cory, we’re studying.

CORY So am I.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY is in the kitchen; ERIC and REBECCA walk in. REBECCA is on her way out)

ERIC Don’t go, Rebecca.

REBECCA Sorry. I really don’t feel like being here anymore.

ERIC You haven’t seen the whole house. Let me take you up to the roof!

REBECCA Actually, Eric, I think it’s nice we didn’t go any further than we did. Thank you.

CORY No problem.

ERIC Why don’t we just study together like we planned?

REBECCA I need to study alone.

ERIC So, I’ll see you Friday?

REBECCA No. (she walks out)

ERIC Okay then.

CORY So, what’s new?

ERIC I’m gonna k*ll you.

CORY I have you.

ERIC I’m gonna k*ll you, and I’m gonna bring you back to life, and I’m gonna k*ll you again.

CORY I have you.

ERIC What? What do you have? You have what I have – nothing!

CORY You, my boy, were in Mom and Dad’s bed. O ho ho ho, what was that the sound of

power suddenly shifting?

ERIC Nothing happened.

CORY Yeah, and it didn’t happen in Mom and Dad’s bed. I have you.

ERIC Hey, Cor, buddy, I’m not gonna k*ll you, I mean, that was one of those wacky brother-tobrother m*rder threats.

CORY Yeah, listen. I’d like you to do something for me.

ERIC Anything you need.

CORY Tell me how you do it.

ERIC What I was doing with Rebecca?

CORY No, no, what you were doing with Rebecca, I don’t have the lung capacity for that. I just

wanna know, how do you get a girl to say hi?

ERIC Oh, you’re wasting my time.

CORY I have you.

ERIC Now ordinarily, I wouldn’t reveal my foolproof method, but I know I can count on my

favorite little brother to keep a secret?

CORY I’m listening.

ERIC OK. You got eyes?

CORY Yeah.

ERIC Use ‘em.

CORY How?

ERIC Look at her. Look into her. Look through her. I mean, make her think she’s the most

exquisite thing your eyes have ever beheld.

CORY Who her?

ERIC Who cares? Pick somebody.

CORY Well, how do I pick?

ERIC You got eyes?

CORY I thought we established that.

ERIC Make eye contact! Make her eyes believe that your eyes are interested in her.

CORY So I have to be interested in her?

ERIC No, you’re overachieving. You only have to make her think you are.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY is in TURNER’s class, staring at WENDY)

TURNER So we find, in Fielding’s novel, the character Tom Jones is absolutely irresistible to

women. Isn’t that right, Matthews?

CORY Uh, yeah, that’s right.

TURNER What’s right?

CORY What you just said.

TURNER What’d I just say?

CORY You weren’t listening either?

TURNER Matthews, keep your head facing this way. Shawn, tell your buddy what was saying.

SHAWN Uh, he was saying, “Matthews, you’re not listening.”

TURNER Thank you. Did either one of you guys do the reading assignment?

CORY Some of it.

TURNER What did you read?

CORY I read the page you handed us with the reading assignment on it.

(bell rings)

TURNER Yay, yay!

WENDY What?

CORY Oh, uh, I- I was just looking at your hair. I’m very interested in your hair.

WENDY Why?

CORY Because it’s- it’s interesting hair. I mean, it’s very exquisite hair. It’s the most exquisite

hair my eyes have ever beheld.

WENDY Well, actually, I did comb it differently this morning.

CORY So, um, with all that said, would you be interested in going out with me?

WENDY All right. I guess so, when?

CORY Uh, tomorrow, after school.

WENDY OK, see you then.

SHAWN Has a brand-new couple taken shape before my very eyes?

CORY What can I say, I’ve got the boom!

(SCENE CHANGE)

(ALAN and AMY are in their bedroom)

ALAN What’s the matter?

AMY Nothing’s the matter.

ALAN Yeah, you got your floor-length flannel armor on there.

AMY This happens to be very comfortable.

ALAN Mm-hmm, well, you’re looking positively Amish.

AMY Alan, tomorrow I have three busloads of these garden club ladies coming to the gallery,

and some of the paintings are just a little risqué.

ALAN Risqué? Like, what do you mean, like, flannel off the shoulder, kind of? What is with

this? Is this welded on?

AMY I’m a little stressed, OK?

ALAN Well, I’m just the guy to relieve that stress. How’s that?

AMY Helps.

ALAN Mm-hmm.

AMY Ow!

ALAN Was that a good “ow”?

AMY It wasn’t you. It was this! Whose earring is this?

ALAN It’s not yours?

AMY No.

ALAN Well – no idea, honestly- I don’t know who- whose earring that is.

AMY Alan, sweetheart, I’m not accusing you

ALAN Why not?

AMY I know you’re not having an affair.

ALAN Oh, you think I’m safe? You think other women aren’t attracted to me?

AMY I haven’t said anything!

ALAN And boy, are you oh, so wrong! Just today at the store this slim little blonde with a low

cut dress, she came up to me and asked me if “the bread was fresh.”

AMY Alan, sweetheart, I know there are still many women that still are attracted to you.

ALAN You don’t sound very threatened.

AMY I’m threatened. I know I could lose you at any moment. Oh!

ALAN Oh, stop that, you just found an earring in our bed.

AMY I know, a cheap tacky one, the kind of thing a teenager would – wear. Eric.

ALAN What about Eric?

AMY The earring! Eric was with a girl alone in this house.

ALAN Oh boy. Okay, sweetheart, I will go have a talk with him.

AMY No, no, no, I will talk to him. I don’t wanna have any of that father-son winking thing

going on.

ALAN What are you talking about, father-son winking?

AMY No, I don’t wanna see you go, “son, what you did was wrong,” and then “atta boy,” I

don’t wanna see that.

ALAN You think I’d do that?

AMY I think you’d do that.

ALAN Well, I wouldn’t do that. That just goes to show you don’t know me at all. Well, we’ll

both just go have a talk with my son. (gruffly) My son!

(SCENE CHANGE)

(ALAN and AMY walk into ERIC and CORY’s bedroom. CORY is at the desk and ERIC is in his bed)

ERIC Hello.

ALAN You wanna tell us anything?

ERIC Uh, not yet. Now I got something to tell you

AMY We found this in our bed. Now, what was it you wanted to tell us?

ERIC I just wanted to say, “Happy Birthday, Mom.” The other one’s on layaway. Nothing

happened between me and Rebecca, if that’s what you’re thinking.

AMY Why should we believe that nothing happened?

ERIC Look at my face. Do I look happy?

ALAN Nothing happened.

AMY Well, then, I’d like to know what you were doing bringing a girl into our room.

ALAN And don’t give us some lame-o excuse like, “she wanted a tour of the house.”

ERIC Okay, we were on the roof replacing tiles when we fell through the ceiling, and luckily,

your bed broke our fall.

ALAN Eric, you’re in some big trouble.

CORY Hey, go easy on him. I need this brother. He taught me how to get what I want from a

girl.

AMY Excuse me?

CORY He taught me how to get a date, and it worked big-time.

AMY Oh, I see, and who is this girl?

CORY Uh, I don’t know her name.

AMY You don’t know her name?

CORY Not yet, but I’m gonna find out before I make any type of commitment.

AMY How can you manage to ask a girl out if you don’t know her name?

CORY All part of Eric’s foolproof method.

ERIC Uh, Cory, get the phone.

AMY Oh, Eric has a foolproof method?

ERIC Ring, ring!

ALAN Go ahead, Cory.

CORY Well, first you pick a girl – any girl.

AMY Just any old body?

CORY Yeah. Then you pretend you’re interested in her. Now, you don’t really have to be

interested in her; I thought you did, but Eric said it wasn’t necessary.

ERIC Ring!

AMY That’s what you told him?

ERIC What? Does it matter what I told him? I’m dead.

AMY You had the big sex talk with him two years ago, what did you tell him?

ALAN Not that! How could you think I’d tell him that?

AMY Alan, I’m not accusing you.

ALAN Oh, yes you are. You’re accusing me of this, and yet you refuse to accuse me of having

an affair. That hurts!

AMY Cory, I know you look up to your brother, but I want you to go to your father for advice

on this subject. Eric has some explaining to do about his own behavior with girls lately.

CORY I know.

AMY What do you know?

CORY Pretty much everything. I kind of walked in on them.

ERIC Amazing Grace…

AMY Eric and his friend in our room?

ALAN How could this happen?

ERIC Dad, Rebecca sat down on the bed and went like this.

AMY So this is her fault. And you bear no responsibility.

ERIC Well, clearly, I should have locked the door.

ALAN Eric, you’re missing the point.

ERIC No, I know the point, Dad. I should have controlled myself, but nothing happened!

ALAN Eric, Eric. You are in so deep.

ERIC Dad, I’m sorry. I mean, I’m really, really…

ALAN You know, for thousands of years fathers have said to their sons, don’t rush into sex.

And the sons have always said, “yeah, sure, okay.” Well, I didn’t understand my father

until this very moment, and you won’t understand me until you’re a father – which won’t

be for a very long time!

CORY Dad –

ALAN Learn her name.

CORY Yes, sir.

ALAN And as for you,

ERIC Rebecca, her name was Rebecca.

ALAN Is that all you know about her?

ERIC Not too much more, I guess.

ALAN Does that make you feel good?

ERIC No, it doesn’t.

ALAN Eric, every once in a while, let your brain in on what the rest of you is doing.

AMY Are you two both clear on this?

CORY But if I can’t use Eric’s method, then how do I get a girl to say hi?

ALAN Cory?

CORY Yeah?

ALAN What did you know about girls before your brother’s excellent advice?

CORY I didn’t know anything.

ALAN Why don’t you just go with that?

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY is at his locker; WENDY comes up to him)

WENDY Um, ready to go?

CORY Look, are you feeling a little funny about this?

WENDY You mean about going out on a date?

CORY Yeah, because we don’t even know each other.

WENDY A little funny. So do you wanna, like, not go out on a date?

CORY Yeah, it doesn’t feel right.

WENDY I understand.

CORY But we should still get to know each other.

WENDY Oh, that would be nice.

CORY Yeah, because then, in case we ever did want to go out, well, we’d know each other.

WENDY So, um, how do you want to get to know each other?

CORY Well, we could go somewhere and talk, if you don’t have something else to do.

WENDY Well, I did, but, um, now I’m suddenly free.

CORY Great, let’s go. So what- what do you want to talk about?

WENDY Well, um, do you know my name?

CORY Uh…

WENDY It’s Wendy.

CORY Wendy. Wendy?

WENDY Yeah?

CORY Hi.

WENDY Hi.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(ERIC and CORY are in their room)

ERIC Lotta homework?

CORY Yeah, a lot. You?

ERIC Yeah. Look, Cor, I know I’ve been forbidden to give you any advice on any subject ever

again, so if there’s any information you’d like to voluntarily offer about the current

events in your life, I’m listening.

CORY How was my date?

ERIC Yeah.

CORY I had a real good time.

ERIC So, what was your technique?

CORY Look, I know you know everything there is to know about women, and I don’t know

anything, so I did what I do best. I was real nervous and I nodded a lot.

ERIC Did she like that?

CORY I don’t know, but when we were done, I asked her if she maybe wanted to go out again,

and she said “yeah, I would.”

ERIC Cool. Cor?

CORY Yeah?

ERICH So how did you nod, I mean, was it like this, or… (nods, laughs)

CORY (stifled laugh)