05x18 - 'If You Can't Be With the One You Love...

[bunniefuu]

TRANSCRIBED BY BRYCE D. MAYROSE

(CORY and SHAWN are walking out of FEENY’s classroom)

SHAWN Well, there’s 42 minutes of my life I’ll never have back. Just when I think Feeny’s class

can’t get any more boring – feudalism. I’m beyond bored – I’m angry. (throws BOY

against lockers)

BOY Feudalism?

SHAWN Uh-huh.

BOY That’s OK.

(TOPANGA walks past)

CORY Have a nice weekend, Topanga.

TOPANGA You too, Cory.

CORY Shawn, did you hear how she said “you too Cory”? I mean, there was coldness there.

SHAWN There was not.

CORY Nonsense. I could practically see her breath, Shawn. Why isn’t she suffering as much as

I am?

SHAWN Cory, she’s suffering, she’s just doing it with something that you know nothing about.

CORY What, feudalism?

SHAWN No, dignity. Topanga’s handling this breakup with dignity. While you, “nuttin,” are a

train wreck.

CORY I’m dignified.

SHAWN You burst into tears every three…two…one…

CORY (crying) Stop exaggerating!

SHAWN Cory, who carries these things around? What did you do, dig up your grandfather and

pick his pocket?

CORY Grandpa Poppy… he always had seeds in his teeth, and that’s why we called him Poppy.

SHAWN Oh you’re depressing. You’re depressing to be around. That’s why you’re not invited to

Kimberly Sussman’s party tonight.

CORY Wait a minute, wait a minute Kimberly Sussman’s having a party tonight?

SHAWN Yeah, to celebrate her new nose. Like, the whole world’s going.

CORY Well, I’m sure if I was not invited, Shawn, it’s probably due to some tremendous

oversight.

SHAWN Does “7:30 sharp and, whatever you do, don’t tell Cory” sound like an oversight? The

word’s out on you, man. Nobody wants to be around Cory the Downer.

Three…two…one...

CORY (crying) Including you?

SHAWN I’m getting there. (walks away)

CORY Shawn, listen. You think I like myself like this? I don’t, OK. I don’t blame everyone for

not wanting to be around me. I don’t wanna be around me, either. I’m done with me.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(KIMBERLY and ANGELA are at the party)

KIMBERLY So now that you’re going out with Shawn, does this mean that I can’t dance with him

tonight?

ANGELA (scoffs) You can dance with him all you want, Kimberly, but he’ll be going home with

me.

(KIMBERLY answers a knock on the door; it is CORY)

KIMBERLY What are you doing here?

CORY I’m crashing. Crashin’ the party.

KIMBERLY (mean) Get out.

CORY Say that again?

KIMBERLY (mean) Get out.

CORY You know who you look like, don’t you? Bridget Fonda.

KIMBERLY (smiling) Get out!

CORY No, I’m serious. I mean, your old nose, it was fine, but now, it’s “La Femme Nikita,”

baby!

KIMBERLY Look, as long as you’re here, why don’t you stay? I think Topanga’s coming.

CORY Who? I’m sorry, but right now I can’t see anybody past Kimberly Sussman-Fonda.

KIMBERLY Cory!

(TIME CHANGE)

(CORY is talking to GIRLS)

CORY So they got Hunter kidnapped and handcuffed to a pole, and I have to step in and save

Shawn’s butt because I have a way with women, as you can probably tell by the fact that

I’ve never been more available in my life. Tickets go on sale at the box office.

SHAWN OK, who are you and what have you done with Cory the Mope?

CORY Shawn, it’s me. Now if you’ll excuse me, Cory’s got that groove thing going.

(CORY is “dancing,” TOPANGA walks in)

TOPANGA Cory!

CORY Hey, the ex-other half of my heart and soul! How’s the family?

TOPANGA Good. Cory, you look really… not very cool.

CORY Thanks, that’s what I’m going for. See, they told me to relax and have a good time;

that’s what I’m trying to do.

TOPANGA OK, well, I’m not gonna stay very long.

CORY Stay as long as you like.

(TOPANGA walks over to KIMBERLY and ANGELA)

ANGELA Mm-hmm. He’s been like that since he got here. I gotta say, he’s the life of the party.

KIMBERLY So – are you and Cory officially broken up? Because I think he’s really cute.

TOPANGA Cory’s free to do whatever he wants. So are you. Angela I’ll talk to you later. (walks out

of frame)

KIMBERLY Sounds like a yes to me.

ANGELA You make one move on my best friend’s man, and that new nose is gonna look like your

old nose. OK?

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY is in the bathroom, talking to his reflection)

CORY Hey! I didn’t know you were gonna be here, but since you’re the most exciting person

here, I propose a toast – to us.

(TIME CHANGE)

(CORY pulls out a bottle of whisky and takes a swallow)

SHAWN Cory, open up.

CORY It’s Shawn, my sidekick. Hello.

SHAWN Hey, you’ve been in here for, like, an hour and a half.

CORY Are they asking for me?

SHAWN Topanga left.

CORY She did? That’s too bad. I was gonna dance with her.

SHAWN Hey, is that yours?

CORY This was given to me when I stole it from my father. You want?

SHAWN Wait a minute, Cory is the one holding the bottle. What’s wrong with this picture?

CORY Because you said that nobody wants to be around Cory the Downer, so now I’m not Cory

the Downer. You want a drink?

SHAWN I told you to have fun, not put away a pint of whisky.

CORY I am having a good time! And, I want you to have a good time too, so drink.

SHAWN I don’t need that. What’s it taste like?

CORY It’s the foulest tasting thing I’ve ever had. Here.

SHAWN Oh! Why would I want to do this?

CORY Because your goody-goody friend Cory did it, and you will not be able to live with

yourself unless you do it too.

SHAWN I’m not falling or that peer pressure crap. (takes a sip) OH! Yikes!

CORY I know, and yet such a small price to pay for its magical powers.

SHAWN/CORY (various grunts/articulations as they drink)

CORY You know, I just can’t understand why they don’t sell this stuff to kids, I mean…

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY and SHAWN are walking down the street)

CORY This will forever be remembered as the night we peed on a police car.

SHAWN Pretty unbelievable, huh?

CORY You know, Shawn, normally I can’t go when another guy’s standing right next to me.

What a perfect target! I mean, I betcha that’s why they put the numbers on the roof.

SHAWN I can’t think of any other reason.

CORY Well, here is to squad car 72, wherever you are.

SHAWN No no no, you don’t getta finish that. (finishes bottle) Ahh. Oh well, party’s over.

(throws bottle, it breaks) Gravity!

CORY Hey, hey, I was gonna put flowers in that and present it to Armanga as a token of my

steam.

SHAWN Wait a minute, Cory, you just called her Armanga.

CORY No, not Our-manga, My-manga.

(BUM walks out of liquor store, tears up losing lottery tickets)

CORY No luck, huh?

BUM Ah, those things never pay off.

SHAWN So why do you play?

BUM I like losing.

CORY Well, Hey hey hey - How’d you like the chance to lose five more times?

BUM Five lottery tickets is only five bucks. That’s a ten.

CORY You buy yourself five lottery tickets, and you buy us a six-pack with the change.

BUM No, no, if I buy beer for a minor, I can get arrested. You a cop?

CORY Do we look like cops?

BUM Do I?

CORY You know what, Shawnie, I always thought Topanga was the one person I could never

live without, but she’s gone, and you’re here, and I’m alive, so – it must be you.

SHAWN I’d take a b*llet for you.

CORY Shawnie, I- I love you.

SHAWN Yeah, I love you too, Cory, I’m not ashamed. (BUM walks out of store) Now I’m

ashamed.

BUM It’s OK, it’s OK – my brother has also chosen an alternative lifestyle.

SHAWN Let’s keep in touch!

CORY You know what I can’t get over? When I left the house, I was almost half-crocked and

my dad didn’t notice a thing.

SHAWN That’s what happens when you get up there in years, you know, you start to lose your

edge.

CORY OK, wait, wait, wait. This is a toast to the best friend in the whole world on the best

night ever.

(police car 72 pulls up with lights and siren)

SHAWN Oh no [unintelligible]*

CORY Stand very still and we won’t get in trouble.

SHAWN Why does that number look so familiar?

(SCENE CHANGE)

(ALAN escorts CORY and SHAWN into the kitchen where AMY is waiting)

ALAN Sit down. So how’s it feel to put one over on your parents? You feel good?

CORY No.

ALAN (scoffs) I cannot believe that my kid stole liquor from my cabinet like- like- well, like

somebody else’s kid!

AMY Have they been charged with anything? Are they gonna have a record?

ALAN No, the charges were dropped because they are juveniles and there was no prior arrests.

AMY Cory, this isn’t you.

ALAN No, of course it isn’t. Somebody influenced him, didn’t someone?

AMY Alan!

CORY No, Dad, OK? You’re completely wrong. I did this completely on my own.

ALAN C’mon, you’re covering up for Shawn like you always do.

CORY No I’m not OK, in- in fact, I’m the one who got him to drink.

SHAWN No. No, no, no. Stop protecting me, Cory. Yeah, you know how lousy he’s been feeling;

well, he wanted to feel good, and I showed him how.

CORY Shawn, what are you doing?

ALAN I am sick and tired of overlooking the influence you have on my kid.

AMY Alan, that’s enough! Come into the other room. I wanna talk to you.

ALAN That’s probably a good idea.

CORY Listen, Shawn, why are you taking the rap for me?

Sounds like “sipowitz”

SHAWN Because your dad’s right, Cory. All my life you’ve had my back. Just let me take the

heat this time.

CORY But I’m the one who got us into trouble.

SHAWN I’m not in any trouble! You are! People expect this from me. I’m the screw-up, you’re

Mr. Teenage America, especially in the eyes of your parents. They got you on this

pedestal… I’m not gonna let you fall off.

ALAN Ok, this is what we think. First, we feel that you two need some time apart. Now, this

doesn’t mean that the friendship is over.

CORY No. No, forget it, Dad, OK, forget it. I’m not doing that.

ALAN I’m not giving you the choice.

AMY Cory, you were drinking tonight!

CORY I don’t care, Mom, Dad drinks!

ALAN I am slightly over twenty-one, and when I do drink I drink responsibly, and when you are

ready to do what I do, then you can get out of this house and get a job!

AMY What if Kimberly’s party wasn’t within walking distance? Would you have driven?

CORY I wouldn’t drink and drive, I’m not a moron.

AMY You peed on a cop car. How smart is that?

SHAWN Look, I appreciate the lecture, and thanks for coming to the station to pick me up, but

you’re not my parents. And yeah, I’ll just stay away from Cory if that’s what’s gonna put

everything back to normal.

CORY Normal. You know, I just broke up with someone I spent my entire life with. I don’t

have a heart anymore. I’ve lost my life. So I went up to your liquor cabinet, and I took a

bottle of whisky, and I made Shawn drink, because I didn’t want to be alone.

ALAN Shawn…

SHAWN Forget it.

ALAN No. I was worried about my kid, and I said some things that I shouldn’t have.

SHAWN It’s OK.

ALAN It is not OK, and I apologize.

CORY No more drinking?

SHAWN Yeah. No more drinking.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(FEENY’s classroom – SHAWN is drunk)

CORY Topanga, listen, about Friday night…

TOPANGA Uh, Cory, you don’t need to apologize to me.

CORY No, no, no, there’s a reason I was acting so strange.

TOPANGA I don’t really care.

CORY You don’t?

TOPANGA No.

CORY Okay.

TOPANGA It’s okay with you that I don’t care?

CORY No!

FEENY Class, as we continue our study of feudalism, I would like to focus today on the life of the

serf. Mr. Hunter?

SHAWN I don’t wanna.

FEENY You “don’t wanna” what?

SHAWN Boring! It’ts boring. That’s why the whole feudalism thing didn’t wok out – they got

bored out of their freakin’ minds! (CORY stands, turns to SHAWN) What?

CORY It’s too far.

SHAWN No. You know, just once, I would like to learn something somewhat relevant to our

lives.

ANGELA Shawn, shut up. I say this with love.

TOPANGA What’s the matter with you?

SHAWN Nothing. Now, why don’t you stop being so crazy and sit on Cory’s lap?

FEENY Mr. Hunter, we will discuss your outburst at the end of the class.

SHAWN Cool. So let the boredom begin! (plays “trumpet fanfare” with his hands)

FEENY Mr. Hunter, please leave.

SHAWN Okay, but only because you asked me so nicely. (walks out)

CORY Mr. Feeny, can I…?

FEENY Go, go.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(CORY and SHAWN walk into the apartment, SHAWN goes to the refrigerator and gets a beer)

CORY Are you kidding me?

SHAWN I’m sorry, did you want one?

CORY You get kicked out of class, you fight me all the way home, you puke on my shoes, and

you still want another beer?

SHAWN Why don’t you go home, “Cory the Monitor”?

CORY You know what, I- I could have sworn we agreed to stop drinking.

SHAWN Yeah, well, I’ve been drinking all week, and you haven’t noticed a thing.

CORY You’ve been drinking all week?

SHAWN Yeah, see, I’m doing this for you. You’re worried about me, you stop thinking about

Topanga. By the way, you know, she’s getting out of school about now, why don’t you

go across the street from her and cry?

CORY What?

(JACK walks in)

JACK What are you doing?

SHAWN It’s a beer. What- what’s the big deal here?

CORY We got drunk at a party the other night. I think he might have liked it a little too much.

JACK Yeah, well, a beer is a big deal for us.

SHAWN Ooh goody goody, now I get the lecture from the big brother who I’ve known all of 6

months!

JACK You don’t have a clue, do you?

SHAWN About what?

JACK About Dad!

SHAWN Yeah. Yeah, Dad used to drink, and then he stopped. Next?

JACK You know why he stopped drinking?

SHAWN Because he ran out of money.

JACK You know why my Mom left him?

SHAWN ‘Cause she went for a guy with more money.

JACK She left him because he was an abusive, ugly drunk.

SHAWN (jumps on JACK, they fall on the couch fighting) Don’t you ever talk about my father!

CORY Shawn! Shawn, stop!

(ANGELA and TOPANGA walk in)

JACK He’s my father too, man. Alcoholism is in our family and you shouldn’t drink!

ANGELA Shawn?

CORY After the other night, Shawn, I feel like I can never drink again.

TOPANGA You were drinking?

SHAWN Yeah, what do you figure that was about? I wonder.

CORY You know what, Shawn, shut up. OK? We agreed to stop drinking. I have; you

obviously haven’t.

JACK What do you think that’s about? I wonder.

CORY And by the way, I happen to have been an adorable drunk. You should have seen me.

TOPANGA I did. You weren’t. And this isn’t about us.

ANGELA Shawn, it’s okay. Look, we can talk about anything. If there’s a problem, we can figure

out what to do.

SHAWN (laughs drunkenly) Nobody’s listening to me, OK? I drink this stuff because I like it. It

makes me feel good. Hello? Hello? Is this thing on? I have no problem.

ANGELA OK, maybe we don’t have to talk about this in front of everybody. Let’s just go out into

the hall –

(SHAWN pushes her against the door)

SHAWN Go!

ANGELA I don’t like that you drink. Call me when you don’t. (walks out)

SHAWN How did that just happen?

(SCENE CHANGE)

(ALAN is in the kitchen; SHAWN comes to the door)

SHAWN Hi. I, um, I just wanted to let you know that you don’t have to worry about me having a

drink anymore, but if you want me to stay away from Cory because of all the other idiot

stuff I do – I understand.

ALAN Come on in. You know, I wouldn’t want 2 friends to be kept apart. When I said that, I

was under the influence of alcohol.

SHAWN You were drunk too?

ALAN No, you were, and so was Cory. And I didn’t like seeing you that way.

SHAWN Yeah, that seems to be the general consensus. So, um when can Cory come out and play?

(CORY runs down the stairs)

CORY Can I, Dad, huh? Huh? Can I?

ALAN What month is it?

CORY It’s still March.

ALAN Sorry, Shawn. Maybe next time you won’t be so easily influenced by your rotten friends.

SHAWN Yeah, well, he’s the only one I got.

CORY Angela hasn’t called back yet?

SHAWN No, she won’t return my messages. I picked a fine time to quit drinkin’! Yeah, I’ve got a

lot of apologizing to do.

(SCENE CHANGE)

(SHAWN is in front of FEENY’s desk; FEENY is holding an apple)

FEENY An apple? Are you kidding me?

SHAWN What I did in class yesterday was so out of line. If- if you won’t accept my apology, then

I want you to have this twelve dollars.

FEENY The only thing of value for me, Mr. Hunter, would be to know that you’re all right. Are

you all right?

SHAWN Yeah. Yeah, I’m all right. My brother and I, um, decided to talk to this guy who’s gonna

help us understand how to deal with this.

FEENY Good for you, Shawn. That’s the right thing to do.

(TOPANGA walks up behind SHAWN who turns to her)

SHAWN Topanga.

TOPANGA I know you’re sorry. I got the card and the fruit basket. It was missing an apple, by the

way.

SHAWN Right. Here. (hands FEENY’s apple to TOPANGA, turns to CORY who is walking in)

How you doing?

CORY Hey! Want to hang out two weeks from Thursday?

SHAWN I’ll be there.

CORY Good morning, Topanga, I still love you.

TOPANGA We can’t start off the day like that, Cory.

CORY I don’t care what you think.

TOPANGA Fine!

CORY Fine!

SHAWN Hi.

ANGELA Hi.

SHAWN I don’t like me when I drink either.

ANGELA Good, because I sure like you when you don’t.