07x13 - The Provider

[bunniefuu]

Opening Credits

[SCENE – Student café. Shawn is at a table. Cory enters]

Cory: You’ll never guess.

Shawn: Topanga’s pregnant.

Cory: She is? Why’d she tell you and not me? Are you the father of my child?

Shawn: Hey idiot.

Cory: What?

Shawn: You had news?

Cory: Oh, yeah. (Sits) I got a job.

Shawn: Hey! A job! Good for you.

Cory: Ask me what my hours are. Go ahead, ask me.

Shawn: What are your hours, Cor?

Cory: It’s up to me! Ask me who I work for. Go ahead, ask me.

Shawn: You know what I wonder.

Cory: What? What? What? What? What?

Shawn: Who your boss could be.

Cory: (Gets up and starts pacing) Me. I work for me, my boss is Mr. Me, it’s all me, isn’t that great?

Shawn: Well I wouldn’t like it but it’s good for you.

Cory: It is, Shawn. Oh yes, it is. And I can make between 400 and 5000 dollars a month!

Shawn: Oh, no.

Cory: You see, I’m the lord of my castle. And as the lord, I think it’s up to me to provide. And it’s up to Topanga to be my grateful French chambermaid Fifi LaBanza.

Shawn: You haven’t actually said any of this to Topanga, have you?

Cory: No, this is just crap floating around in my head. (Sits) But that’s the beauty of marriage, Shawn. That’s the golden nugget. Nobody has to know nothin’!

Topanga: (Approaches) I have news!

Cory: I have news!

Topanga: Me first?

Cory: Like always. (Stands)

Topanga: Okay. So I was taking the train downtown to check out some shoes, just to look, not to buy, and I was sitting next to this woman who was looking at fashion photos, and I commented, “Oh, I love that outfit.” So did she. Turns out, she was the editor of this fashion magazine and we hit it off so well she offered me a job, right there. I’m her assistant, Cory! I got a job!

Cory: (Unenthusiastically) I’m really very proud of you.

Topanga: What your news?

Cory: Eehhhh, I got a job, too.

Topanga: (Enthusiastically, happily) Aaahhhh! That’s great Cory, we’re a two income family! Tell me, tell me, everything. What’s the job, how’d you get it?

Cory: Okay, okay, okay. So I’m walking down the street and I see this flyer with the dollar signs on it.

Topanga: Seen those, go on.

Cory: Okay, so I call the number.

Topanga: That’s great, that shows initiative.

Cory: Yeah, initiative. Now, I’m an entrepreneur.

Topanga: What exactly are you doing, sweetie?

Cory: Selling magazine subscriptions over the phone.

Topanga: (Not enthusiastic) Oh…

Shawn: Try again.

Topanga: (More enthusiastic) Oh!

Cory: Yeah, “Oh!” I can wear what I want. I can go to the bathroom where I want. I can eat lunch when I want. It’s great. And I can make as much as I choose between 400 and 5000 dollars a month. I chose 5000! Thank you.

Topanga: Where are you working, where are your offices?

Cory: In our living room.

Topanga: (Not enthusiastic) Oh.

Shawn: Try again.

Topanga: (Disappointed) Oh…

Shawn: Not as good.

-Commercial Break-

[SCENE – Student café. Eric is cleaning a woman’s shoulder when he spots a penny on the floor and picks it up]

Eric: Hey, look, a penny.

Jack: Hey, was it heads up?

Eric: Is that the side with the head on it?

Jack: Yeah.

Eric: Yeah, than it was heads up, yeah.

Jack: Well, than you, my friend, are the proud owner of a lucky penny.

Eric: What? What, really? I’ve never had one of these before, what are the rules?

Jack: It’s easy, alright? It’s just a superstition.

Eric: No, no. I feel something. I felt something the second I touched this penny.

Jack: Why can’t you just react like a normal person?

Eric: (Holds up penny) I AM LUCKY!!!

Rachel: (Approaches) What now?

Jack: Oh, yeah, he found a little shiny penny.

Rachel: Oh…?

Eric: (To Rachel) Do you want to see my lucky penny? (Holds it in her face then violently yanks it away) (Yelling) No! My lucky penny!

Rachel: Wow, this must be your lucky day, Eric.

Eric: No, no, no, no, Shhhhh… Not my lucky day… My lucky life.

Rachel: It’s a nice penny.

Eric: (Eyes Rachel suspiciously) I see what you’re tying to do. You’re trying to seduce me for my penny.

Rachel: (Faking) You caught me. I’m hot for your penny.

Eric: Evil temptress.

Rachel: Oh, well, that’s me. See, if you had a nickel, I’d probably marry you. (Gets in his face seductively) That’s how badly I want you!

Eric: (Holds out hand to Jack, behind him) Dude, give me a nickel.

[SCENE – Cory & Topanga’s Apartment. Cory is on the phone with a headset]

Cory: (Unenthusiastically) Hello. Is this Mr. Leon... Shenazi? Can you read? (Pause) Good for you. Because I’m gonna read you our list of magazines. Now there are 700 here so please don’t hang up before I finish because I don’t like it and it’s mean to me. Ready? Here we go. (Reading from notebook) Aardvark… (Turns page) Hello? Hello? (Redials angrily, taps phone while waiting during ringing) I told you not to do that, Shenazi. Now we’re gonna have to start all over again. Here we go. (Reading) Aardvark… Hello? Shenazi? (Redials more angrily, twitches while waiting during ringing) You know what, Shenazi? You have a stupid name!

Topanga: (Enters) Cory, you’ll never guess what happened to me at work today.

Cory: (To Shenazi) I can’t talk now, Shenazi, my wife’s home. I’ll call you later. (Hangs up)

Topanga: Cory, I have the best news I can’t wait to tell you.

Cory: This… Is gonna be the kind of job… Where I take aspirin… A lot! (Walks past her) How ya doin’? (Exits)

Topanga: (Sits on couch and puts on Cory’s headset. Dials a number) Hello? (Pause) Hi! Is this Donna Santa Angelo? Oh, great, this is Topanga. (Pause) Oh, you’re so sweet. Donna’s a great name, too. Anyway, I’m one of those annoying magazine people who call at the worst time. (Cory reenters with aspirin bottle. He’s struggling to open it) Yeah, don’t you just hate us?

Cory: Yeah, like you’re gonna sell a magazine. I couldn’t sell one magazine, and I’m in the business!

Topanga: (To phone) What? Um, yeah, that’s one of our magazines. Uh-huh. And that. All of them? Fantastic! We’ll bill you. (Takes off headset) (To Cory) That was fun.

Cory: (Stares at Topanga begrudgingly) You sold a magazine?

Topanga: Eight. You must’ve sold, like, 800! How many did you sell? Tell me, tell me.

Cory: Perhaps you didn’t hear me when I said “I didn’t sell one magazine, and I’m in the business” seventeen seconds ago.

Topanga: Great. So Judy, she’s my boss. She calls me into her office today with two other associate editors. She asks me for my opinion on what our first cover should be. (Cory tries and fails to bite the aspirin bottle open) Apparently the other two hated the one I picked buy Judy loved the one I picked and we’re gonna use the one I picked. (Cory still can’t open it) Can you believe it? Me! The one I picked!

Cory: So she promoted you.

Topanga: Yes, isn’t that something? (effortlessly pops open the aspirin bottle for Cory)

[SCENE – Student café. Jack and Eric enter. Shawn, Angela, and Rachel are sitting]

Eric: Everybody relax! Nothing bad can happen, nothing at all, you’re with me. (Shows off his penny, which is now on a string around his neck. He breathes on it and wipes it off on his shirt)

Angela: What’s going on over there?

Jack: He found a lucky penny.

Shawn: You really believe in that stuff, Eric?

Eric: Yes, Shawn, yes I do. I’m the chose one. I’m protected. I’ve got an invisible shield all over my body (Waves hands over his body) Watch this. (Turns to football players at the pool table) Rocko!

Jack: Oh, no no no, I don’t wanna get hurt.

Eric: Rockoo-o! Rockoo-o!

Jack: Y’know, I just hate getting hurt.

Rocko: Matthews, you better have a good reason for bothering me.

Jack: Let’s go, let’s go!

Eric: Y’know what? I just want Rocko to clear something up, here, for me.

Rocko: But your complexion, no can do. (Laughs with Eric, who is over exaggerating)

Eric: (Fake Laughing) Oh, my complexion! (Circles face with finger)

Jack: (Fake Laughing) Let’s go. Come on.

Eric: Real quick, real quick.

Jack: No.

Eric: I just have one question for Rocko. Just curiously, as an athlete on the football team, is it a distraction being gay? (Jack gasps)

Rocko: (After a long pause of looking threatening) Thank you.

Eric: It’s okay.

Jack: What?

Rocko: I've been holding it in for so long. (To the other football players) Fellas, I'm gay.

Football Player: That's okay, Rocko. So are we.

Rocko: Really?

Football player: Yeah.

Football player 2: Sure. (Eric pats Jack’s shoulder as though he’s accomplished something. Jack looks confused, mouthing what twice)

Jack: What?

[Cut to outside the café. Cory is playing solitaire. Topanga approaches]

Cory: (Frustrated) This is impossible.

Topanga: (Seeing Cory playing solitaire) Oh, hey. Just move the nine to the ten (Does so), jack to the queen (does so, then flips a card), oh, look, got an ace. I win. (Sits down, smiling) (Cory gives her the evil eye) (Childishly) Good job, Cory.

Cory: (Sarcastic) Yeah, I’m brilliant.

Topanga: Well, work must be going well if you can take a break.

Cory: Yeah. Well I took a long break, y’know. I quit.

Topanga: You quit? Why?

Cory: Because, Topanga, unlike you, I wasn’t enjoying it. Unlike you, I wasn’t good at it. Unlike you, I don’t shine at everything. (Gets up and starts walking away. Topanga follows him) I don’t shine at anything.

Topanga: Honey, what’s bothering you?

Cory: (entering the café with Topanga behind him) Nothing, Topanga. I’m just in a mood, okay?

Topanga: (Grabs his arm and hugs him seductively) Is there anything I can do to cheer you up? Topanga know what Cory like. (Tries to kiss him but is pushed away)

Cory: No… no…

Topanga: But I love you. Want to go home, huh? Want to go home and have pooky-pook?

Cory: No, Topanga… No pooky-pook.

Topanga: Why not?

Cory: Because (steps away) you’re better at pooky-pook than I am, too! (walks away)

[Cut to Rachel playing pool with Eric]

Rachel: Aw, look how cute, they’re having their first fight.

Topanga: (To Cory) Cory, I don’t like that you can’t talk to me about this.

Cory: Topanga: Look, I just… I… (Stuttering) I don’t want to say anything that I’m gonna regret.

Rachel: (To Eric) Do you think maybe we should leave?

Eric: No, I want to see Topanga make Cory cry.

Topanga: (To Cory) I mean, Cory, whatever bug you have up your butt why are you blaming it on me?

Cory: Topanga. If you’re as smart as you’re A-streak says you are you know just to leave me alone right now.

Topanga: This is about my grades?

Angela: (Interjecting) This is not about your grades.

Cory: Yes, it is. It’s about how you shove your stupid grades in my face. Or how you get promoted. Or you sell one of my subscriptions.

Topanga: Wow, well I’m sorry that I tried to help you with your little magazine project.

Cory: It’s not a project, okay? Sticker books are a project. This is my career.

Shawn: (Interjecting) (Chuckling) Cory, come on, it wasn’t your career.

Cory: (To Shawn) Shut up.

Shawn: (Quietly) Yow… (Steps back)

Cory: My life is just as important as your life even if I don’t do my life as good as you.

Topanga: As well as you.

Cory: (Shocked) What?

Topanga: (Uncomfortably) I was just say that it’s not “as good as you.”

Cory: Are you crazy, Topanga? Are you kidding me that you’d say something like that right now?

Topanga: (Yelling) Cory, this whole thing is crazy!

Angela: Yeah, it really is…

Topanga: (Jabs a finger at Angela) Sit down!

Angela: (Quietly) You… (Steps back)

Cory: Well at least I’m not a hoity toity, photo assistant, kiss-Judy’s-tushy!

Topanga: Maybe I have to kiss Judy’s tushy because you can’t sell one stinking magazine.

Shawn: (Unconfortably) Okay… That’s it… (Walks away with Rachel, Eric, and Angela)

Cory: What did you just say?

Topanga: (Defensively) I just said that you haven’t been doing all that well…

Cory: (Interrupting, increasing volume) No… No… No! That is not what you said. You said I’m a loser, Topanga! I know you said it because I heard it. I heard it from your big mouth!

Topanga: (Yelling) Oh. I have a big mouth, now!?

Cory: Yeah.

Topanga: You can’t even play solitaire, imbecile! Did you hear that okay from my big mouth?

Cory: Y’know, Topanga, I used to be able to. I used to be able to do a lot of things, before I married you. Congratulations! You k*lled my spirit! (Topanga looks at him shocked, then exits) I win. You leave, I win. Bye! (Realizing he did something bad) Oh, man…

-Commercial Break-

[SCENE – Student café. Cory and Shawn are sitting on the couch, talking]

Cory: I said she k*lled my spirit.

Shawn: Well… Marriage is a new situation, there’s lots of new stress on you…

Cory: You know, this is our first fight, ever? What am I supposed to do?

Shawn: Well… She left crying. Y’know my mother and father fought all there lives. And one of them always walked out. One day, one of them never came back. It’s bad, in my experience, when someone walks out crying.

Cory: So what do I do?

Shawn: You go home, hope she’s still there…

Cory: Oh, no…

Shawn: And if she is, you lock the door and have it out.

Cory: Like a steel cage match?

Shawn: No one leaves until the fight’s over.

Cory: I just wish I hadn’t said what I said.

Shawn: But you did. So obviously something’s bothering you.

Cory: What?

Shawn: Don’t figure it out with me, those days are long gone. There’s only one person that can help you here.

Eric: (Pops up from behind couch) And it’s me.

Shawn: (Like he’s scolding a puppy) Eric, no!

Eric: (To Shawn) Why don’t you cram it, talk boy? That’s all you’re good for is talk. Oh, talkkity talk, talkkity talk talk talk, talkkity talk talk! Oh, look! Oh, look it’s great! Trailer boy’s got all the answers! Y’know, trailer boy? There’ something you don’t have. BAM! (Sticks penny in Shawn’s face) Penny! (To Cory) Hey.

Cory: Hey.

Eric: I love you, Cory, you’re my brother. (Cory nods) That’s why I’m gonna give you my penny.

Cory: Eric. That penny’s been so lucky for you.

Eric: Now it’s going to be lucky for you. If I could just have a second. (Stands up and looks at penny, making the sad lip) (To penny) Thank you, penny, for all you have taught me. For you have taught me confidence, and with that confidence I know, that I no longer need luck. So I intend to go on in life… penny-less… (removes penny from neck and puts it on Cory, holding back tears)

Cory: Eric, that’s very nice. Are you sure about this?

Eric: (Nods, swallows) Yes. (To penny) Good luck, old gal. (To Cory) You take care of her. And yourself. (Give Cory a hug)

Shawn: Okay (Gets up, walks away)

Cory: Bye (Follows Shawn) (The room empties so Eric is alone)

Eric: (Thunder outside) That’s weird, looks like rain. Good thing I’m inside. (Gets struck by lightning twice. His clothes become torn and burnt, and his face and hair are ashy) Oh, well. At least I didn’t get wet. (A janitor walks up and dumps a bucket of water on Eric) Thank you! (Twitches from electrical current)

[SCENE – Cory & Topanga’s apartment. Cory enters from front door. The room is empty]

Cory: Oh, no… Topanga?! Topanga?!

Topanga: (Enters from back) I’m here.

Cory: Hi. (Topanga sits on the couch and plays solitaire) You’re playing solitaire?

Topanga: Yeah. Cause I was alone. I played nineteen games.

Cory: Did you win them all? (Topanga looks at him) Sorry.

Topanga: Yeah.

Cory: Look, could you put the cards away? I need to talk to you.

Topanga: Oh, you have something you want to say to me, now?

Cory: I’m sorry about what happened. I’m deeply, deeply sorry… Y’know? And I do take back what I said to you.

Topanga: (Expecting more) Uh-huh.

Cory: That’s all I get is “Uh-huh”? Topanga, I just apologized! Now it’s your turn?

Topanga: No. That’s not the way it works.

Cory: What, I don’t apologize good enough for you, either?

Topanga: Oh, is that what that was?!

[Cut to later. Cory is laying on the couch, Topanga is pacing back and forth]

Topanga: You haven’t said anything for an hour.

Cory: I’m afraid to say anything.

Topanga: Why?

Cory: I don’t know.

Topanga: You know.

Cory: I think I know better whether I know or not, okay?

Topanga: Well then I guess I know you better than you do.

Cory: Of course you do, Topanga.

[Cut to later. They’re standing in front of the couch, talking]

Topanga: Cory, unless we tell each other what is going on then we cannot be truthful. This is our first fight.

Cory: Ever.

Topanga: Then let’s make it mean something. Tell me what’s going on.

Cory: You want the truth?

Topanga: Truth.

Cory: Sit down. (She does) I’ll be happy to tell you the truth. (He sits) Ever since I’ve known you, okay? I had an idea, you had a better one. I got a good grade, you get a better one. I get into Pennbrooke, you get into Yale.

Topanga: I didn’t go because of you!

Cory: I understand that, Topanga, believe me, that’s all part of this.

Topanga: Go on.

Cory: So I got a job. But you, of course, you get a better one. What’s next? (Stands) I mean, Topanga, I understand that you’re better than me, okay? But why, why do you have to shove it in my face?

Topanga: You think I’m better than you?

Cory: I know you are. You make me not think very much of myself.

Topanga: (Speechless) I do what?

[Cut to later. Topanga is laying on a pillow on the floor. Cory is standing nearby]

Topanga: I’ve k*lled your spirit.

Cory: Topanga, don’t.

Topanga: I’ve caused you pain.

Cory: No, look, I’m okay. (Sits in front of couch)

Topanga: (Sits up) I would never want to cause you pain. I want you to be happy. Everything I ever did was just trying to impress you.

Cory: Really?

Topanga: No… Sometimes… Sometime for me… Mostly for me… Twice for you. (Looks at him) A lot for you.

Cory: Why for me?

Topanga: Because I always knew you were worth it.

Cory: Why?

Topanga: Because you believed in us. You were the one who held this relationship together when I was afraid of this relationship. You were the one who taught me to have faith and love.

Cory: Me?

[Cut to later. They are laying on the couch together]

Topanga: I don’t want you to ever feel bad about yourself.

Cory: And I don’t want you to ever hold yourself back because of me.

Topanga: So what do we do?

Cory: We have to support each other, Topanga.

Topanga: And we can’t be afraid to fight with each other.

Cory: But I’m scared of you…

Topanga: Cory, sometimes in our lives you’re gonna be doing better than me.

Cory: When?

Topanga: Or I’m gonna be doing better than you.

Cory: And we’re back.

Topanga: But if either one of us is doing well at all it’s because we love each other. We have to always remember that. We’re not competing, we’re a team. I would never want to k*ll your spirit because I love your spirit.

[Cut to later. Cory and Topanga are on the couch. Topanga has Cory’s headset on, and is holding the microphone so they can both talk]

Cory: Alright, Shenazi. You’re gonna buy a magazine, y’know why? Because I’m bringing in the wife, y’know why? Because when the two of us work together, ain’t nothing gonna stop us!

Topanga: Hello? Hi, I’m the wife, Topanga. (Pause) What? (Pause) Well what kind of a name is Shenazi?!

Cory: (Covers microphone) (Whispering) That’s what I said.

Topanga: (Removes headset, hold it to Cory) He doesn’t want to talk to me.

Cory: What do you mean?

Topanga: He wants to talk to you.

Cory: (Puts on headset) Alright, Shenazi, let’s have it. Yes… Yeah… Uh-huh… Goodbye. (Removes headset)

Topanga: What did he say?

Cory: He just bought a one year subscription to Aardvark.

Topanga: (Incredulous) Why?

Cory: He said I was the most persistent person he ever met.

Topanga: He did, huh?

Cory: Yeah. And I think it was a compliment. (They kiss)

[Tag – Cory and Topanga’s apartment, Continued from before. There’s a knock at the door. Cory answers it. It’s charred Eric]

Eric: Penny. (Ash flies from his mouth, Topanga looks grossed out. Cory searches his body from the penny, then holds it out to Eric. Eric opens his mouth, and Cory puts the penny in it. Eric stumbles down, twitching. He then answers the payphone across the hall, even though it wasn’t ringing) Hello? (Cory closes the door with a huge smile)