05x13 - The Election

Episode transcripts for the 2016 TV show "American Housewife". Aired: October 2016 to current
"American Housewife" chronicles the daily life of a strong-willed mother who tries to stand out among the perfect wives and their perfect offspring in her hometown of Westport, Connecticut.
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05x13 - The Election

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♪♪ Crêpes Suzette.

And for you, Crêpes Suzette, Katie Otto-style.

- Which means?


- I added Cheetos for crunch.

Who ever thought that the richest kid in Westport would be cooking for other people?

That's because of me.

- I'm the douche whisperer.

- Mm.


This is amazing!

What's on the menu for tonight?

I can't make dinner tonight.

My dad's swinging through town and taking me to Chez Pierre.

Did you tell him about your plan to go to culinary school?

Oh, yeah.

He's very excited for me.

I may be the first Bradford to get a callus.


You're not gonna finish?

I'm a little anxious.

It's the town council election today.

And I think I can win this thing and make some real changes here in Westport.

Well, you tried to change me.

How's that working out for you?

Are you ready, Oliver?

Big day.


I'm gonna nail them.

Between my high scores, Teen Help Line, and that Gyftee app I started with Trevor, I'll be a shoo-in for Harvard.

You sure you're okay?

You seem to be developing a rash.

- It's a confidence rash.

- And you're sweating.

- From excitement!

- Mm.

Can't take a test without a good breakfast.

Thanks, but my stomach's a little upset.


Gonna go have a little confidence diarrhea?

♪♪ Greg thinks that he can change Westport, but the people in this town don't change.

- Except their noses.

- And their boobs.

Uh, and their legs.

I had my inner thighs liposuctioned.

They're the highway to the groin.

- That's what my doctor says.

- Oh.

Ooh, Walker, who is that hunk in that hunky suit hunkin' up the place?

Wait, you don't know?

That's Doyle Bradford.

Cooper's dad?

Our kids have been best friends for years, but I have never even met him.

You'd think with all that money and those good looks, he'd be a son of a bitch...

and you'd be correct.

And everyone kisses his ass 'cause he's the richest man in town, but I come from money, so it doesn't impress me.

I think he's waiting to be seated.



So sorry, Mr. Bradford.

Hold on.

Get up.

Get up!

Get up!

Get up!

Get up!

Get up!

Get up!

Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

My gosh.

I love your tie.

- You should go say hi.

- KATIE: Right?

I mean, we're practically in-laws.

Oh, ask him who does his hair.

I'm not going to ask him who does his hair.

All right.

So I bought the island across the way, and that's where the staff walks the dogs.


I don't mean to interrupt.

Oh, I parked in the red.

You can just leave the ticket on the car.

I don't work for parking enforcement.

I'm Oliver's mother.

Your son lives at our house.

Oh, right.


Yes, thank you for looking after Cooper.

He loves being at your house.

He says it's like camping.

It's my pleasure.

I am so proud of Cooper.

He is really starting to figure out his direction in life.

I don't know what there is to figure out.

Cooper's gonna go to Harvard, then business school, then join me at Bradford Industries, and if he tries a hostile takeover, I will destroy him.

But I'll be secretly proud.

Cooper hasn't mentioned any other plans?

- No.

- Hm.

But I mainly communicate with him through Brad.

Let me ask Brad.


Nope, no more plans.

♪♪ [Camera shutter clicks]

Win or lose, today we join a vaunted Westport tradition...

the candidates casting the first ballot at the same time in a display of mutual civility.

- [Camera shutter clicks]

- May the best man win.

I'm the best man.

And the early lead goes to Ablin.

You've made some big strides lately in standing up for yourself, but it is election day.

It is game time.

You need to let your inner badass out.

You need him to help you win this thing.


I can win being a good-ass.


You do have a hell of a good ass.

Your candidate doesn't have a sh*t.


Sorry, lady.

Your trash talk's a little weak.

You look like a passing YouTube fad who goes to jail for tax evasion and then spends the rest of his life cleaning up puke at Sky Zone Trampoline Park.


Damn, she's good.

That's exactly what I look like.

♪♪ Do you want to go to the movies?

Why would we go to the movies when we can stay at home and watch the best movie of all time?

Franklin, how many times can we watch "Soapdish?" That's what I'm trying to figure out.

I thought it was , but I'm still finding hidden gems in Sally Field's performance.

♪♪ Taylor, I feel like I'm in a rut with my man.

What's going on?

We're like an old married couple.

Pretty soon, we're just gonna be spending our time going to each other's doctors appointments.

Franklin's gotten too comfortable in the relationship, and he's taking you for granted.

You need to show him that if he wants to hang on to you, he has to put in some effort.


Trip and I are going to the arcade tonight.

You and Franklin should come, and I'll show you how to flirt with another boy and make him jealous.

Just like Sally Field did with Kevin Kline in "Soapdish." Ugh!

I've got to stop watching that stupid movie!

♪♪ Open your test books to Section One, read the directions, and begin work.

Good luck.

Time starts... now.

[Exhales deeply]

All right.

It all comes down to this.

♪♪ ♪♪ [Thud]

♪♪ It's so nice that your father is % supportive of you becoming a chef.

Oh, yeah.

He's thrilled for me.

The way you talk about him, I didn't think that he would go for it.

But he did!

Sends me recipes.

People surprise you.

So true.

Like I was surprised today when I ran into him at Stewart & Kingston's.


[Utensils clatter]

I was further surprised to hear that you didn't tell him you wanted to become a chef.

Oh, my God.

You didn't say anything, did you?

No, that's not my place.

This is your life, and you do with it what you want.


Thank you.

Which is why I invited him over for dinner tonight, so you can tell him yourself.

[Utensils clatter]

That look on your face makes all the bad parts of parenting worthwhile.

You lied to me!

I'll make you a Cheetos salad to make up for it.

What is even your plan?

It's simple.

I'll tell my father I'm at Harvard, but I'll really be at culinary school.

Don't you think he will notice that you're not at Harvard?

That's the thing about super rich people...

they ignore their kids, their bills, and organ donor wait lists.

I could have kidneys on your doorstep in an hour.

Have you ever thought about just telling him the truth?

He'd just shut me down.

Let me tell you a secret.

All parents want is for their kids to be happy.

I even want Oliver to be happy.

You don't get it.

No one stands up to Doyle Bradford.

How about this?

When your dad comes over tonight, you cook dinner.

Then when he compliments me, you jump in and let him know that you made it all.

He'll be so amazed that he will be the one suggesting culinary school.


Yeah, that might work.

Okay, I need to put a menu together.

Do we have any foie gras in the house?

There's a can of Spam in the back of the cabinet.

I should have known better by now.


♪♪ Here you go, kiddo.

Guaco the Taco!

I've been trying to get this guy for a year.

You're home, buddy.

What in tarnation?

[Video game beeping]

If you don't pay enough attention to your girl, eventually she'll find somebody who will.

What do I do?

You got to take initiative.

Buy her a present.

Show her that you care.

I guess I could get her something nice from the prize counter.

Unless you want to give me the taco.


You won him for me.

He's mine.

Oh, boy.

♪♪ So it turned out the guy I was bidding against was my own curator, and I spent $ million more than I needed to.


But you know how that is.

Dad, they don't know how it is.

Almost no one does.

What are you talking about, Cooper?

Sure we do.

Back in the late ' s, Greg accidentally filled our t*nk with premium gas.

- Sure did.

- Mm-hmm.

Dad, did I tell you that Mr.

Otto is running for town council?

Polls close in a half-hour.

Shaping up to be a close race.

You know, one phone call, and it's yours.

I could use another politician on my side.

Thank you, but I'm gonna win this fair and square.


Oh, you're serious.


Otto prides himself on having integrity.

Oh, but I don't.

I blew the SATs, and I need an in at Harvard.

No problem.

I just acquired a seat on the board to make sure that Cooper gets in.

I'm sure one more won't make a big difference.


You hear that, Cooper?

[Crickets chirping]

- [Thud]

- Ow!


- [Thud]

- Ow!

Dad, uh, how are you enjoying your meal?

Oh, every course has been amazing.

I'd like to compliment your chef.

- [Thud]

- Ow!


- [Thud]

- Ow!

I'm glad you're enjoying the dinner, because...

I made it.

I don't understand.

I found my passion, and it's cooking.

I want to go to culinary school and study to become a chef.

He's truly gifted.

He made a five-star meal using two-star ingredients in a zero-star kitchen.

I appreciate your input, but Bradfords don't cook.

Bradfords are cooked for.

But Dad...

Culinary school is out of the question.

One day, you're gonna take over Bradford Industries if I die, but I might do one of those Queen Elizabeth things where I just hang on until he's too old.

Do we understand each other?

Yes, sir.

Thank you for the meal, but I have a meeting to attend.

Cooper, if you'd like to say goodbye before I head back to Florida, I have an opening between : and : tomorrow.


I'm so sorry, Cooper.

Why'd you make me do this?

I had my own plan.

I could have secretly gone to culinary school, and he never would have noticed.

I told you, there's no standing up to him.

You ruined everything!


He hates you.

Now he really is like one of our kids.

♪♪ That boy was cute.

He seemed really into you.

He already built us a castle in Minecraft.


Hey, go sweep her off her feet with the gift you got her from the prize counter.


I want you to know that I appreciate the woman you are, and I apologize for not being the man you deserve.

But I promise to do better, starting with this.


Oh, my God, did you know about this?

No, little dude's winging it.

No one gets me like you do, and if I ever lost you, I'd regret it for the rest of my life.

Anna-Kat Liberty Bell Otto, in years, will you marry me?

Are you serious?

Does Sally Field go to the mall in "Soapdish" to get her confidence back?



I'll marry you.

But make it years.

I want to have a career.

She said yes!

It's beautiful!

It's also a whistle.

♪♪ SAMANTHA: Looks like a real nail-biter here

in the City Council race...

% of the ballots are in, but you and Ablin are still neck and neck.

I would have been so mean to these two in high school, I can tell you that.

I ran the campaign I wanted with integrity and honesty, fair and square.

I'm proud of my race.

That came out wrong.

[Doorbell rings]

Principal Ablin.


What are you two doing here?

We came over to watch the vote tally, of course.

You've done nothing but run a nasty campaign against me for weeks, and now you want to crash my election night party?

I'm glad we're on the same page.

Is this it for food?

What are you doing?

You've got to throw him out.

Politics aside, let's be human beings.

I want a front-row seat to watch you lose.

The only thing I'm going to lose is weight from my crazy victory dance.


That's a taste.

Hey, that's the cake for when I win.

- You won't be needing it.

- KATIE: Hey, everybody, I think they're ready to announce the winner.

SIMON: Enough suspense, folks.

It looks like we are prepared to announce the result.



a tie.

Holy moly.

A tie.

A tie?

What is this, soccer?

This is highly unusual.

Westport has not had an election tie since , and per the Westport constitution, any tie must be settled with...

a duel.

A duel?

We can't do a duel in Westport.

He's right.

We'll do it in Fairfield.

They'll let you do anything there.

This is ridiculous.

You want us to sh**t each other?

What if they do it with paintball g*n?

I think that would be consistent with the spirit of the law.

I was ready to use real g*n, so I'm in.

- And so is my guy.

- I...


Then it's paintballs at high noon!

Oh, actually, make it like : .

I see my therapist : to : , and I need some time after to decompress.

Self-care, baby!

♪♪ What's wrong with you?

- Nothing.

- Okay.

I'm not invested enough to ask any follow-up questions.


I blew the SATs.

Plus, my mom pissed off the one guy that could get me into Harvard.

Well, maybe this will help.

Apple put us on their Featured App list.

Downloads have skyrocketed.

Gyftee is blowing up.

Are you serious?

If we keep adding users at this rate, our company could be worth millions.

And then Harvard will be begging me to go there.

Forget Harvard.

You're only going there to become rich and successful.

This app is already gonna make you rich and successful.

You're right.

I feel like a huge weight has been lifted.

Thanks, Trevor.

You're welcome.

What are you doing with your face?

Am I not smiling?


♪♪ Why'd you let Cooper give up on his dreams?

I promised him I'd stay out of it.

Since when do you listen when someone tells you

- not to do something?

- Mm-hmm.

I asked you not to eat popcorn in my BMW, and you now it looks like the floor of a movie theater.


- [Footsteps approaching]

- Katie.

My dad's taking me to Florida with him.

- Oh, no.

- Yeah.

He said it's time for me to start living the life that's been planned for me.

He blamed my behavior on a caviar deficiency.

I'm gonna go to the bathroom to use a urinal for the last time.

It's all bidets where I'm headed.

Poor kid.

Yeah, too bad you promised not to get involved.

Watch my waffles.

I need to have a word with you.

Oh, thank goodness you're here.

I need some cream.

For the love of God, we had dinner last night.

What you are doing to Cooper is horrible.

A real parent would encourage their child's dream.

I've indulged you long enough, Crystal.

You need to mind your own business.

Cooper is my business.

I've put more work into that kid in six months than you have in years.

Are you eating Katie's waffles?

She gave us one thing to do!

- I can't help it.

I'm stress eating.

- [Groans]

Cooper is my son.

He is going to work for me.

He is going to be incredibly wealthy, and he's going to marry a cousin distant enough not to have wonky babies.

But is he going to be happy?

Well, despite what we tell the poor, money does buy happiness.


Cooper is sweet.

He's sensitive.

He's a bueno muchacho.

Why are you speaking Spanish?

Because that's his thing, and you would know that if you spent any time with him at all, but you don't, because you care more about yourself than you do your own son.

No one speaks to me that way.

I could ruin you.

Good luck.

I'm already ruined.

[Slams table]

Cooper, we're leaving.

Congrats, this is the longest I've talked to someone who wasn't in my tax bracket.

I know I promised that I would not say anything to your dad, but I can't stand by and let you walk out on your dream.

Thanks for trying, Mrs. Otto.

♪♪ Te amo, mamacita.


Taylor, there's something I need to talk to you about.

I told you, there's no need to apologize.

That squirrel took your hot dog.

You had every reason to chase it.

Not that.

I remember when I came here to pick you up on our first date, and you were standing right in this spot waiting for me.

I was just so excited.

Also, we had a pet pig inside, and I didn't want that to be the headline for the night, so...

[Both chuckle]

I couldn't believe how lucky I was to be taking you out.

And I feel luckier every single day that I'm with you.

This porch is where I fell in love with you, so this porch feels like the right place to do this.

Do what?

Franklin got me thinking.

I almost lost you twice.

There is no way that I'm gonna lose you again.


Taylor Betsy Ross Otto, will you marry me?

[Breathes shakily]


I will absolutely marry you.

Trip, it's beautiful.

It was my grandma's.

I'm sorry it's not also a whistle.

♪♪ The rules of today's duel are simple...

paces, sh*t fired.

Whoever strikes first...

I don't need to go into any more detail, do I?

We've all seen "Hamilton." w*apon, please.

I can't believe we're doing this.

I'm looking forward to eating your victory cake over your paint-riddled body.

The combatants will now meet back-to-back.

Now, paces.




- You're not gonna win.

- Four.

Your guy doesn't have the balls.

- Five.

- He has one ball,

- and that's all he needs.

- Six.

- Paintball.

One paintball.

- Seven.

- Eight.

- He has the appropriate amount of testicles!

- Nine.

- Yaaah!




Ablin fired early!


That was an accident!

Let the duel continue!


Dude, you broke the rules.

I call a do-over.

A do-over is up to Candidate Otto.

Well, I did run my campaign fair and square.


But what you did is neither fair nor square.


There's the badass I'm looking for!


You wouldn't sh**t a woman with fibromyalgia, would you?

Why do you always tell people that?

- You got him?

- I got him.

Take the sh*t.


Oh, my God, I'm so sorry!

Turns out I didn't have the sh*t.


That's to break the tie.


And that's for putting your ballot in first.


And that's for eating my [bleep]


Doggone it!


I'm so proud of you, man!

Emphasis on "man," which you are now.

Congratulations, Greg.

You're Westport's newest town councilman.

- [Grunts]

- [Chuckles]

May I suggest your first order of business be to change what happens when there's a tie?


♪♪ Cooper made a great victory cake.

I can't believe he's leaving.

When I, your actual son, move out, I better see at least this level of distress from both of you.

Fake it if you have to.

You here to pick up your stuff?

Actually, my dad changed his mind and told me I could stay.

- What?

- And after I graduate, I can go to culinary school!


Oh, dude!

That's amazing!

Move out of the way, Oliver!

I want to hug Cooper.


What made him change his mind?


He asked me what I thought about what that crazy lady said, and for the first time, I was able to be honest with him.

People always underestimate the benefits of crazy.

And you said people in Westport can't change.

I guess they can.

If I can change Cooper's dad, the ultimate Westporter, anything is possible.

We have an announcement, too.

Franklin and I are engaged.

years from this summer.

Save the date.

- She's a lucky lady.

- Congratulations.

Trip and I have news, too.

We also got engaged!

- What?

- Taylor and I got engaged.

We heard you.

I also have some news.

I don't want to go to Harvard anymore.

Actually, I might not even finish high school.

What the hell is happening?!

KATIE: I'll tell you what's happening.

We got a tween bride, a teen bride, and a high school dropout, so I guess my news isn't such a big deal anymore.

You're pregnant.


No weird-ass historical middle name for this one.


- "A" on me.


- Wait, we're still wearing masks.

- Oh.

- [Laughter]

I'm sick of my mom judging my friends!

Holy [bleep]!

MAN: Come on!

Let's do this!

- [Laughs]

- [Applause]

I have no value,

- nothing to off...

- [Person sneezes]

I'm acting here!

I said it right, right?

MAN: No.





Nobody can take better care of this family...

than this family?

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