07x17 - Down the Road Apiece

[bunniefuu]

Okay, I don't understand why you're taking a video camera on a road trip.

You should be packing more sensible items.

Like, toilet paper and your mother.

Look, Mom, accept it. I'm going.

Okay, my year off is now officially over, and I think I've finally decided on a sensible career that's gonna provide me with a really stable future.

I'm gonna be a traveling documentary filmmaker.

Oh, come on, you made that up.

Hey, Kitty, I'm going ice-skating on a rainbow.

Eric, don't listen to him.

I have complete confidence you're gonna be the best traveling docu-what's-it-who-maker ever.

Thank you.

Do you have enough money?

Mom, I don't need that much money.

I'm sure that at stops along the way, strangers will just offer me hot pots of beans in exchange for colorful stories from the road.

Hot pots of beans?

What if they're spicy?

You can't even chew cinnamon gum.

Okay, that's it. I'm going.

Uh, I'll miss you.

Well, thank you, sweetie.

Um, I think he was talking to me.

He was not.

Eric, who were you talking to?

Yeah, who?

It's times like this I usually fake chest pains.

Uh, I was talking to

the prettiest girl in the driveway, that's who.

So, okay, I want you to promise to call me every night at 9:00.

Oh, he can't be calling you because he's calling me at 9:00.

That's why I got him that watch as a gift.

Well, maybe he should be calling the person who gave him the gift of life.

So you squeezed out a baby? That was a hundred years ago.

People have landed on the moon since then.

Hey, Eric. I'm gonna miss you, man.

Hey, uh, just between friends, I want you to know I'm gonna take a sh*t or two at Donna.

He won't care.

On the road, he's going to meet lots of horny girl hitchhikers looking for a ride to cheerleading camp.

What makes you think that, Fez?

Adult films.

Oh! Hello, America, and welcome to Eric Forman's journey to happiness.

Not to be mistaken with Eric Forman's journey to Fatso Burger, or Eric Forman's journey to pee behind the Piggly Wiggly, which you just saw earlier.

I'll tell you, being on the road like this really makes you feel like a man.

I guess I'll just have to edit that part out later.

Okay. I think what we've learned today is that the road can be a cruel, cruel mistress.

She caresses your tire with her asphalt hand one minute, punctures it the next.

But, hey, at least that didn't stop me from making it out of Point Place.

I think what we've learned today is that the road can be a cruel, cruel mistress.

But, hey, at least that didn't stop me from making it out of Point Place.

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

You know, Steven, it's great we can still hang out.

We're kind of like Sonny and Cher.

We're together even though we're broken up.

I'm beautiful, you're weird-looking.

Look, they're talking. Maybe we should...

Okay, we're going upstairs.

Why?

Uh, I just remembered that I can't be in the basement because I'm uncomfortable below sea level.

That's the best you can come up with?

Just say that we're going to take a shower.

Wow.

You know, I think this is the first time we've been alone together since, uh...

Yeah.

Well, maybe we can use this opportunity to touch base about our feelings.

Or we can watch TV. Great! Oh, I love TV.

Oh, Janie, it's so hard to be in the same room with you because even though I'm a rough ne'er-do-well, my love for you burns like a fire deep in my soul.

I feel the same, Clyde, and even though we broke up because you won't marry me, I still hope that one day we'll get back together.

What are the chances of that?

Greetings, gentle viewer.

Road trip update.

About to change a flat tire, which, uh...

Which reminds me of a little joke.

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a flat tire?

Well, see, first the tire has to really want to change.

Good one.

Anyway, what do you say we slap a spare tire in this sucker, huh?

It turns out there is no spare tire.

And it's, like, pitch dark out here.

Hello? Hello?

Okay, there's definitely someone out there, and I don't know who, but I think it's a pretty safe bet to say that it's probably a convict with a hook for a hand.

Hello? Okay, okay, buddy.

You come one step closer, I got a tire iron.

And I'll just give it to you if you'll go away.

Hey, dude.

What are you doing here, man?

Leo, what are you doing here?

It's like the universe wanted us to find each other, man.

Yeah.

So, do I know you, man?

So, they're a family of monsters?

No, they're Munsters.

And they're living in a neighborhood of normal people.

Why don't the neighbors just get together with some g*ns and go over there and k*ll them?

I'm pretty sure they're saving that for the last episode.

It's 9:15. Has Eric called?

He didn't call you? No.

I thought sure he would call you.

He's always choosing you over me.

Name one time?

Prom night.

Okay, I haven't heard from him, and I'm starting to think that something bad happened to him.

Red, we have to go look for him.

Fine.

Anything's better than this crap.

Who wants to see monsters not get k*lled?

Have you seen the new... Did you ever see...

Go ahead.

See, the other day I... I saw...

You said, "Go ahead." Yeah, I said it to be nice.

My story is much more interesting.

Well, go ahead, because I'm not gonna listen.

Well, fine then, 'cause I'm not gonna tell you.

Oh, it's as quiet as a basement with two former lovers in it.

I can eat the tension with a fork.

Wouldn't you cut the tension with a Kn*fe?

Why cut it if you're not gonna eat it?

No, no, no. Fez, stay. Stay.

Why don't you tell us one of those charming little stories about your homeland?

Well, in my country, instead of bathrooms, we just...

He doesn't want to stay down here with us.

How would you know what he wants?

You don't know what anybody wants.

This is so sad.

You're at each other's throats because of these unresolved feelings.

What? No.

Fez, there are no unresolved feelings.

Really? Then why are you so tense? Why is your foot tapping?

Why is your foot tapping?

Because I got rhythm, baby.

I can never stop dancing entirely.

You know what, Leo? This is my first truck stop and I love it.

It's like... How did you find this golden oasis?

I woke up in the parking lot once.

And these truckers, they're like...

They seem like great salt-of-the-earth guys, you know?

Hey, 10-4, good buddies!

Oh, crap, they're looking at me.

No, they're looking at me, man.

Truckers love me. They think I'm Bob Seger.

You know what? These guys would be the perfect people to interview for my movie.

Where's your camera? Eh, it's so heavy.

So, Leo, what have you been doing since you left town?

Uh, just wandering around trying to find my place in life.

Yeah, I've been trying to find my place in life, too. It's like...

You know, like, where do I fit in?

No, I've been looking for my house, man.

You boys need anything else?

Uh, no, we're just waiting for the mechanic I met in the parking lot to come back with my spare tire and change.

Honey, there's no mechanic around here.

Uh, no, there is. It's this skinny guy.

I gave him 20 bucks and he just ran off.

That'd be Earl. He's a speed freak.

Oh, my God. Leo, that was my last 20 bucks.

It's okay, man, dinner's on me.

Oh, thanks, you'll pay?

No, I mean I got spaghetti sauce all over me.

Leo, look, be serious, man. What are we gonna do?

I got it.

We'll soak the shirt in club soda.

Okay, we're gonna use my Police Academy training to figure out what happened here.

First thing I'm gonna need is for everyone to lie face down with your hands behind your head.

What if he stopped to take a picture and he got kidnapped by white slavers?

They're gonna k*ll him. He can't do anything.

I told him this was a stupid idea, and now we're stuck out here in the middle of nowhere.

My foot is shaking, it wants to kick his ass so bad.

I never should have let Eric go on this trip.

I should have tempted him into staying home by offering him sex.

I mean, Scrabble.

Oh, look, if my baby being safe depended on you being loose, I wouldn't have to worry.

Okay, I think it's obvious what happened to Eric.

We got an abandoned car, a flat tire and footprints heading off in that direction.

Ms. Forman, your son's been kidnapped by coyotes.

Isn't it more likely that he had a flat tire, couldn't change it himself and went off to find some help?

And the coyotes got him along the way.

Yeah, now you're thinking like a cop.

I can't believe I'm stuck in a backwoods truck stop with no money.

You know, if we don't do something this waitress is just gonna hand us over to these truckers.

You know, they're all freaky, sexual deviants.

Man, woman, animal, they don't care as long as it's warm.

Don't worry, man, I've got an idea how we can pay for this dinner.

That was a good idea.

Now, how are we gonna pay for dinner?

I think this pretty much covers your tab.

But if you're interested, dessert's on me.

In that case, you'd better soak your uniform in club soda.

You see? What an awesome night.

I am partying in the back of a truck stop with a hippie and a waitress, who are now making out.

Wow, the fact that I'm here is not slowing them down at all.

Good God, woman, you buttered my toast with that hand.

Okay, enough pussyfooting around,

which, by the way, does not mean what I thought it meant.

Why don't you just get back together?

You know you want to.

I don't even know why you broke up in the first place.

Because he's an incredibly immature jerk who can't commit to a future with me.

What she said, but I agree with me.

Nice rebuttal, which, by the way, also does not mean what I thought it meant.

It's hopeless, okay?

We both wanted different things out of the relationship.

You just have to remember the good times, the things that brought you together.

Jackie, what are some of the things that Hyde did that you miss?

He never did anything a boyfriend's supposed to do.

He never bought me a horse.

Okay?

He never rented a plane to spell "I love you" in the sky.

Oh, and he never even wrote me a single song.

How would you know? You never stop talking long enough to listen.

Wait, you wrote me a song?

No.

Okay, okay, okay. Let's try something else.

I want you to think back.

Obviously, there was something that brought you together.

What was that?

Well, I guess...

I guess I liked the way his scruffy beard felt on my soft, creamy, porcelain skin.

Yeah, I kind of liked that, too.

I also kind of liked the fact that she was technically still with Kelso.

And I knew being with him would piss off my mom.

And all my friends.

Oh, and we had to keep it a secret.

And I felt kind of ashamed of myself.

So did I.

I kind of liked that, too.

So did I!

Oh, it was just so wrong.

Which is what made it so hot.

So hot.

Oh, Fez, you should have been there.

Several times I was.

All right, listen, this type of establishment is well known to criminals, okay?

So I want you to stay close, and if there's any trouble, I'm gonna use you guys as a human shield.

I don't like the looks of these people.

They seem like they could tease a polite young man about his sweater and then laugh when he starts to cry.

Where is my baby?

See, that's the problem.

Maybe if you didn't baby Eric so much he wouldn't have had to leave to prove himself.

Well, maybe if you hadn't exhausted him with your sexual demands, he wouldn't have had to leave just to get some sleep.

All right, that's enough, you two.

If Eric's in trouble, he deserves it because he should know better by now.

You sound like you don't care at all.

It's not a matter of not caring, it's a matter of not giving a crap.

Hey, Red, they got Rhinestone Cowboy. Toss me a quarter.

Shut up.

For your information, Eric comes after me a lot more than I go after him.

You know, all you damn redheads are the same.

You can color it blonde, but it's still there.

Well, it turns out, I have a couple problems with being a traveling documentary filmmaker.

One, the traveling, it's exhausting.

Two, documentaries.

I only like ones that are, you know, about monkeys.

And three, filmmaking.

If there's no space battles, I mean, you know, really, what's the point?

I'll tell you something, this day has not been a waste.

I realized what I really wanna do with my life is just get the hell out of Point Place.

I'm ready to do that.

I really feel like this trip made me a man.

Eric! Mommy?

Thank God you're okay. Oh, Dad, I'm fine.

Not you, the car.

Eric, your mom called me a whore.

Only because I was worried about you, and because I love you more than she does.

Worried? What...

What did you guys think happened?

Well, we figured you were either dead, alive, or kidnapped by coyotes.

Looks like I was right on the money.

Hey, I got that waitress's phone number.

Leo?

Hey, it's great to see you guys.

It's great to see you, Leo.

So, do I know you, man?

Okay, here's what I think, you two were hot for each other when the relationship was secret, forbidden, taboo.

But when it was out in the open, the thrill was gone.

It was no longer taboo.

Then you started pushing for commitment and you started pulling away.

Hmm.

So how do we move on from here?

Move on?

There will be no moving on.

Your relationship was one of the sickest freaking things I've ever seen.

You are two deeply disturbed individuals and your union...

Well, your union was a blasphemy.

So you're saying that if we hooked up again, it'd be even wronger than before?

It can get wronger?

Well, that's kind of hot.

Fez, I think maybe you should leave the room now.

Oh, no, no. You two cannot be together.

I can't watch. I'm leaving.

Hey, who am I kidding?

I can watch all night.

Hey. Hey.

Look who I found by the side of the road.

Leo. Man, what are you doing back in town?

I'm not really sure, man.

Yeah, I can't tell if he has amnesia or if he's just perfectly fine.

Well, I'm glad you're back, man.

Feeling's mutual, man.

Hey, wait a second. You're Hyde, man.

Hey!