08x04 - Misfire

[bunniefuu]

So, thank you for celebrating our 25th anniversary with us.

You know, nothing makes me appreciate my beautiful wife more than a room full of people that I don't like as much as her.

Okay, my turn.

Mr. and Mrs. Forman, your long and happy marriage got me thinking about my future.

And when I think about my future there is always someone special in it.

I mean, besides me.

So, in front of all the people that I love,

Jacqueline Burkhart, will you marry me?

j& Hanging out j& Down the street j& The same old thing j& We did last week j& Not a thing to do j& But talk to you j& We're all all right j& We're all all right j&

Hello, Wisconsin!

Look at this, Red, what is more beautiful than a sweaty broad doing your laundry?

How about a smart-mouth foreigner gasping for air as I hold his head in the toilet?

Oh, here, let me take that for you, sweetie!

Oh! Oh, I am so light-headed!

I don't think I can clean out the lint trap.

Well, it could cause a fire.

Wow, Mrs. Forman.

You and Mr. Forman seem happier than I've ever seen you in the two times I've ever seen you.

Well, that's because it's our 25th anniversary in two days.

Oh, 25 years? Man if you guys were dogs, that would be like...

Twenty-five dog years.

Anyway. I'm throwing a surprise party, but don't tell Red.

Ever since Pearl Harbor, he has hated surprises.

Hey, I won another free Pepsi!

You always win! I never win! I wish you were dead!

Oh. That was a dark place.

Okay, I'm working on a new bit for my act.

What is sexier? This genie costume, or my naughty stewardess outfit?

Sam, what did I tell you about parading around half-naked in front of my friends?

If you're gonna do it, you gotta charge 'em.

Man. It's like everyone is so happy lately. Except for me.

I mean, the Forman's have their anniversary party, Hyde is married to a half-naked girl.

What do I got? Nothing! Except for this little plastic dinosaur.

You know, when I'm down, I try to think about the happiest times of my life.

Like when Hyde's wife came out here in that genie outfit.

The happiest time of my life was when I was with Jackie.

What are you talking about?

She was always yelling at you, hitting you, telling you what a moron you are.

You might as well have been dating me.

Oh, man, I was really in love with her.

And then I blew it. And then she blew it.

And then I blew it again.

I don't know who blew it last, but I'm definitely winning!

It sounds like you guys had a real on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again, on-again, off-again relationship.

Wait, that's it! That's why I'm not happy!

Because the girl I should be with is right in front of me and I'm not with her!

I should be with Jackie! No, I should marry Jackie!

What? I love weddings.

Dad, it's 4:00 in the morning. What are you doing up?

Spending a little time with the Colonel.

So why are you up?

Eric's calling from Africa.

You know, I never realized how nerdy he was until I started spending three bucks a minute filling him in on Battlestar Galactica.

Well, I'll give you your privacy.

I like eating chicken better in bed, anyway. Everything is a napkin.

Sweetheart! What?

Did you stay down here all night?

Oh yeah. I guess so. Eric never called, I hope he is okay.

Yeah, I'm sure he's fine. Either that, or he's dead.

It can only be one of the two.

And get this, I waited up for Eric to call me last night, and he never did.

So I asked Mrs. Forman, "Is he okay?"

And she said yeah, because he called her last night.

Yeah, I mean, that is weird.

Who would think that a boy who plays with dolls and bails on his wedding would be a mama's boy?

I know a huge secret.

But don't bother to ask me, because there is no way in hell I'm going to tell you.

Kelso is gonna ask Jackie to marry him.

Wait, what? Oh, my God!

I can't believe you conniving whores got it out of me!

That is the dumbest thing Kelso's said since his previous gem.

"I can eat an entire shirt."

This is so Michael. Although it is kinda sweet.

And I don't really have anything going for me in my life.

No job, no boyfriend. I don't have anything!

Okay, Jackie, I know you're lonely, but you and Kelso getting married, that's insane.

Well, I actually think it makes total sense.

No, it doesn't. It makes no sense!

"Fliebedieflabediefloobedie" makes more sense than that!

What if it's fate?

I mean, I have always thought of Michael as my soul mate.

I mean, yes, we have our problems, but getting married will fix everything.

And if that doesn't work, you can just have a kid.

Oh, my God, I'm so excited!

I wonder when he is gonna ask me.

Well, that is a secret. At the Forman's party.

You b*tches are relentless!

You guys! I just got offered the best job in the world!

I'm gonna be a security guard at the Playboy Club in Chicago!

How the hell did that happen?

Okay, last week I was in Chicago, right, and I did what I always do after I visit my daughter, I snuck into the Playboy Club.

And as the guards were kicking me out, I thought to myself, I could do that!

So then I talked to this guy there.

So, let me tell you a little bit about what Vic does around here at the club.

Ah, wait, who's Vic?

I'm Vic, keep up.

What Vic does, is I'm responsible for overseeing security here.

You see, it is our job to keep the girls safe and secure.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, we're safe and secure today.

Uh-huh, lather it up, Brenda!

Uh, Michael wants to see Brenda!

No, employees only. We've got a code of ethics around here, Michael.

Right there.

So, Vic tells me you used to be a cop?

Uh, wait, I thought that you were Vic?

There's another Vic, try to keep up.

Uh, yeah, well, I got... I got kicked off the force.

Then I was gonna make the move here to be closer to my daughter.

What, you're married? Obviously you're not wearing a ring.

Great minds think alike!

Actually, uh, I just got a girl pregnant.

You got a girl pregnant? I got a girl pregnant!

Give Vic a high five!

You Vic or the other Vic?

The other Vic? What is that some kind of a joke?

The other Vic got both his hands blown off in Nam.

I'm just kidding!

I like your sense of humor, kid.

Now, come here, all kidding aside, I want to ask you something seriously.

Do you like spicy food?

Sure, I'll eat anything. Actually, I put that on the resume.

Try this salsa. Go on, makes you feel like you got sh*t in the tongue.

How can I say no to that?

Yeah, that hot, that's hot, right?

You know it's hot when you get all moist and sweaty up under here, eh?

Come on, feel it! Ah, I don't think I wanna touch Vic's head.

No, go ahead, feel it. No, I really don't.

Feel it! Okay.

Ahh! Ahh!

Got you.

And he just called and offered me the job!

Ah, man, it's like I was really looking for some direction and that's why I was gonna get married, but now that'd be just like crazy, you know!

Thank God I didn't say anything to Jackie!

Uh-oh, Kelso...

Oh, man, she has absolutely no idea!

If I could just get a word in...

For once in my life I didn't just blurt something out and then ruin everything!

Yes, about that... It's like I'm off scot-free!

Kelso! Listen to me!

I told Jackie you were proposing and now she's thrilled.

How could you do that?

I know. I have a problem.

Actually, now you have a problem.

So, good luck with that.

You told Jackie I was gonna propose to her?

Yes, and you should have seen all the squealing and jumping around!

And Jackie was excited, too!

You guys are idiots. Who gets married on a whim, anyway?

You did.

Yeah, but that was to a stripper!

And to be fair, I was pretty drunk, so I might have been trying to say, "Will you carry me?"

It's like I love Jackie, okay and I know that some day we're gonna be together, but just not yet.

You fool, don't you understand?

Hyde really screwed Jackie up, and she's only going to be like this for a little while longer.

You gotta strike when the broad is still a mess, man!

Look, Kelso, I'm completely against this unholy union.

But if you really want to be with Jackie, you cannot run away now.

She'll be so pissed she'll never talk to you again.

Okay, so, you're saying if I don't go through with this now, I'm gonna blow my chance with Jackie forever?

Yes. You have successfully repeated what I just said.

All right.

That's it. I wanna ask Jackie to marry me.

Great! Let's go buy a ring!

No, Jackie once said that she'd rather have a balloon tied around her finger, than a diamond under two carats.

So let's go buy a balloon!

Jackie, you can't marry Kelso.

Picture what your life would be like.

Hi, honey, how was your day?

Ah, great. I had another affair.

What?

Hey, you told me not to lie!

Yeah, I told you not to lie or cheat!

Right and I chose not to lie!

Well, can I at least have some money for groceries?

Sorry, babe, I got fired again, but I know what will make you feel better.

Oh, no! Not another box of dogs!

It's another box of dogs!

Oh, no, no, no, Michael. This is not the life I pictured.

I had dreams of a career, of travel.

Of a husband who didn't have a girlfriend.

Babe, I hear ya, I do, I really do.

But you know what! Pantsed you! Burn!

Hey, kids, I pantsed your mom again!

Who wants to jump off the roof?

That's your life, Jackie.

Oh, yeah?

Well, just for that, I'm gonna toss my bouquet while you're in the can.

Kitty? What is all this?

Surprise! We're having an anniversary party.

But I don't want a party! I was gonna take you to the boat show!

I'm not going to a boat show.

Fine! It's a vodka show, just get in the car!

Red, we have people coming over.

But I had...

Okay,

I was thinking, about what we did at the Starlight Motel for the first time between our wedding and reception.

And, uh, I thought we could go there again, exactly 25 years later.

So I got us the same room.

To celebrate our silver anniversary, you wanna take me for an afternoon tryst to a cheap motel?

That is so romantic.

Man, I'm all ready to propose and the Formans are late for their own 25th anniversary party.

Don't they realize this is my night?

When is Michael going to ask me?

I can't stand the anticipation!

This must be how fat girls feel between placing their order and getting their fries.

Here, take this, it will relax you.

And if it doesn't work out between you and Kelso, it'll loosen you up. For me.

Oh. Oh, my goodness.

Oh.

Everybody is here. What time is it?

Oh. Oh, I must have left my watch at the...

Ice store. But they were out of ice. Every one of them.

This country is in the crapper.

Hello.

Okay. Mrs. Forman, that was the Starlight Motel.

They, uh, found your watch in the Aphrodite suite.

Just keep the damn watch!

Oh, hi, Eric!

Oh, thanks, sweetie.

Oh, Donna is right here, why don't you say hi!

Hi! Let me just switch to another room.

Oh. Okay. I'll talk to you later, then. I love you.

He had to run to class. So, I'm gonna go grab a beer.

The Aphrodite suite, huh? Sounds like you guys Aphro-did-it!

Hey, are you okay? Totally.

Yeah, are you kidding. Totally.

Look, I'm sure Eric was just in a hurry.

I have not been to Africa, but if it's anything like Disneyland's Jungle Safari, you gotta stay on your toes.

I wouldn't know, I'm more of an "it's a small world" kind of girl.

Yeah, I do not like that ride.

Why, it's too boring?

No, I just feel the Irish are under-represented.

Yeah! Here, free six-pack.

Okay, my turn.

Mr. and Mrs. Forman, your long and happy marriage got me thinking about my future.

And when I think about my future there is always someone special in it.

I mean, besides me.

So, in front of all the people that I love,

Jacqueline Burkhart, will you marry me?

Oh, Michael! No.

Congratu... What the hell?

No? No.

Jackie, you have just made me the happiest man in the world!

Really?

Yeah!

Oh, man!

I mean, I love you and all, but, it's like this is, like, the worst idea I've ever had!

And I have had some bad ideas! I mean, a fire-cr*cker suit?

Like, what the hell was that?

The best 4th of June ever, that's what.

Michael, if you and I got married it would be a disaster.

I mean I love you, but you have so much growing up to do.

Oh, and I do not want a box of puppies running around.

You see and I do! I know!

Oh, man! This is, like, my life is finally taking off.

I'm moving to Chicago!

Donna, I hope I did the right thing.

You know. I'm so happy, I'm gonna jump off the roof!

You did the right thing. Yeah.

So it's the last circle before I go.

Wait a minute, now I get why we call it a circle!

That is freakin' awesome!

You know Michael, I will always remember the first boy who kissed me.

And proposed to me and told me that putting out makes your nails grow.

I really believed you.

Kelso, I'm kinda gonna miss you constantly trying to grab my boob.

Made me feel pretty.

I am messed up.

Donna, I give you my word. I will always be here, trying to grab your boob. We'll do it for Kelso, who won't be here to do it anymore.

Oh, God.

Man... Kelso, this is weird.

I always imagined our last moment together would be me watching you strapped to a home-made rocket flying around in circles screaming, "Turn it off! Turn it off!"

Well. I guess this is goodbye.

Man, I'm gonna miss this.

Like, being down here, I've had, like, the best time of my life.

And you know what? No matter where I live, I will love you guys forever.

Well, I guess it's time to go. So, see ya.

Bye, Michael.

Wow. He is really gone.

My beautiful tormentor.

This sucks.

I'm not leaving till tomorrow! And you were crying!

Burn!

Can it be?

It finally happened! I won!

I won! I won! I won! I won! I won!

I won! I won! I won a bike! Read it and weep, loser!

That expired yesterday.

I'll k*ll you!