Our study group was
a well-oiled machine.
Drew was in charge,
and I was second in command,
responsible for two things,
class notes...
Yep, I got the notes right here.
and keeping Cole occupied
while we did the real work.
Babe, these wheelie shoes are sick!
Okay, I'll just be walking
next to someone,
then I'll start rolling,
and they're like, "What?"
- And I'm, like, "Later, Tevas."
- God, where should I go next?
What in the heck do you have
on the bottom
of those sneakers, champ?
Are... are those wheels?
- Would you show me your glide?
- Go ahead. Roll on out.
Get your glide on.
Dr. Cox was scary when he was
in his regular mood,
but him in a good mood
was utterly terrifying.
Are you all dying to know
why I'm in such a festive mood?
Because you're about to do something horrible
to us? Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding! Ding!
Drew, you
and your worthless classmates
have just won an
all-expenses paid trip to...
Hell week...
Six days and seven nights
of tests, term papers
and group projects.
By the end of the week,
one of you is going to have
a psychotic break.
How darn good is it
to be me right about now?
"Just this side of fabulous"
is the answer.
- Just this side of fabulous.
- As much as Dr. Cox loved torturing us,
Dr. Turk enjoyed all the perks
of being chief of surgery.
T-dawg! Looking-good five!
Where's my pastry?
Too sugary.
Hey, nothing's too sugary,
woman.
Tell that to your diabetes.
So you worked hard all these
years to become chief of surgery
- Just so people would kiss your ass?
- No, I get a parking spot, too.
Plus, I get to nickname
people whatever I want.
Hey, what's up, Mac and cheese?
Oh, snap! Ham and cheese!
Oh, rainmaker in the house!
What's happenin'?
- What was that?
- Oh, we're taking a break.
Since when? What?
Well, we said "I love you"
to each other,
and it's horrible and gross,
and I hate myself and him.
Every week is already hell week.
How could it get any worse?
Hey, did you have hell week
at your med school?
Yes, it stressed me out so much,
my throat seized up
- for, like, a year.
- God, how bad was it?
I'm not gonna lie.
It left a few
psychological marks.
One of you is
probably gonna cr*ck.
I'm looking at you, Li.
But hey, good luck.
Rootin' for ya.
All right, Drew,
you're our leader.
Let's get this goin'.
Uh, get what going? I rarely listen
to you people. No, seriously, Big D.,
I fail out of here,
I gotta go to med school
in the caribbean. Dude,
I don't speak "Caribbesian."
- So tell us what to do!
- All right, why does this always have to fall on me?
I don't have the plan. I don't have
the answer to every damn question.
Hey, Drew's right.
Everybody, back up. Give him some space.
He'll figure out the plan
and then text us.
Oh, hell, no!
Yo, somebody's parked
in my spot.
Boo-hoo. It takes me
minutes to pee.
Do you guys know
who "Doc X-treme" is?
Russell Vaughn... surgeon,
best-selling author,
wrote some book about doctoring
in the third world
called "Rebel without a co-pay."
what am I supposed to do?
"Take the b*llet
out of his mistress' jaw
- or take a b*llet of your own."
- I did the surgery.
Then he sh*t me anyway.
By the way, that mistress
is now my wife.
Yeah he is a bit of a douche,
but every time
he shows up here,
he raises millions
for the hospital.
And he has nailed some top-shelf
international strange.
Greetings. Hi.
Dr. Russell Vaughn.
Yeah,
I'm Dr. Christopher Duncan Turk,
chief of surgery. Listen, man,
you parked in my spot.
Okay, I'm sorry. Um, you know,
I have to remind myself
that I'm back in the States,
where status is everything.
It's not everything.
It's just that, uh,
my spot's in the shade,
and I have leather seats,
and my seats get warm
when the sun hits 'em.
I also just recently...
You're going to want
to stop talking now.
I just needed
a moment of peace and quiet.
The other students will not
stop asking me questions.
Oh, puh-lease.
I have a hospital full
of incompetents
hammering me
with asinine questions
every second of every day.
Uh, Dr. Cox?
Your patient in is septic.
Antibiotics or vasopressors?
Antibiotics first.
That wasn't so dumb.
Wait for it.
Oh, did you get my request
for scrubs that hug
a little closer to my wam-bam?
Thank you, Todd,
for being the example to a point
that you don't understand.
You're welcome.
I didn't ask to be put in charge.
I know, number one,
but that's who we are.
We have been blessed and cursed
with intelligence
and wonderful hair,
and people follow. You're just
going to have to deal with that
the rest of your life.
No, I'm done babysitting.
I don't want to be a leader.
I just want to be a good doctor.
Fair enough.
...from the same surgery...
Um, is there something
I can help you with, Russell?
Actually, I'm... I'm helping you.
Dr. Cox told me to jump
on any cases that interested me.
I've got everything
under control in this... room.
Why don't you go
and Russell up your own case?
Clever.
I was just telling Irene here
that it looks as though she's
gonna need a septal myomectomy. Mm.
Russell, I'll decide
which treatment is best
for my patients.
We'll probably go
with what he said.
minutes to answer a page?
Really? Embarrassing.
It's : in the morning.
Hey, bedhead, what are those,
horses on your pajamas?
Well, I didn't do my laundry.
I have nothing else to wear.
Except more horse pajamas.
Here are the case histories
for your group projects.
You will test, diagnose
and come up with treatments
for each of your fake patients.
You will then present
your findings in three days.
Number one, you don't have to
work with these stooges anymore.
I have a very special project
for you.
Where's the rich jackass?
I love hell week.
S o what's my project?
Your project is to avoid them,
because they are vampires,
time-sucking monsters
who will t*rture you
with stupid questions,
mind-numbing incompetence
and petty emotional problems.
"I'm so stressed.
I feel like I want to k*ll myself."
Well, what are you
waiting for? Do it.
Okay. Great. So what exactly
is my project?
I want you to focus
on yourself,
on your abilities,
on becoming the amazing doctor
I know you can be.
Thank you so much.
Again, really unclear about
what my project is.
You're just gonna shadow me
- and stay the hell away from them.
Listen to me, son...
- hey, Drew!
Go. Save yourself.
What?
Run!
Hello, blondie. Is there
anything I can do for you?
Uh, I was just gonna ask Drew
who he thought the next leader
of our group should be.
You.
You're the one.
Yeah? You think so?
No. I just said that because
you're the first one I saw.
Jambo, doctors. Jambo.
That's Swahili for "Hello"
or "Good morning." Oh, is it?
Really? 'Cause I know what it means.
I had Jambo juice
this morning...
A Berry blast
with an echinacea boost.
It was delicious
I'm-a live forever.
You'll be dead. I'll be alive,
though. I'll be alive!
Wow. You sure you didn't
get a fem boost in there?
That was pretty catty.
It's just that Russell
ticks me off, you know?
He comes in here with his book
and his rope bracelets
and his... his wanting
to help me with surgeries.
I don't need anybody's help.
Yeah. This isn't
about surgery.
This is about all the attention
Russell's getting.
You're jealous.
If I'm gonna be jealous
of someone,
it's gonna be a dude
who can breathe underwater
or... or Serena Williams.
That ass is righteous.
I'm just saying, you're kind of
acting like a -year-old girl.
Oh, my God. There's Drew.
Yeah.
Did he see me?
Yes.
Is he coming over here?
Yes, he is.
Oh, crap.
Hey, Drew.
Hey. Oh!
Hey... there...
You.
Afternoon, good sir.
Your face is looking
quite... normal.
All right.
Okay. Yeah.
Okay.
So I thought we could start
with a little bonding game...
"Two truths and a lie."
I'll start.
I am from a small fishing town
in Maryland,
horses are my favorite animal,
and I once made love
with tennis great Pete Sampras.
"p*stol" Pete?
Damn, that's hot.
No. See, Cole,
that was the lie.
My mum hooked up
with Michael Chang.
All right, look, let's
just forget about the game.
Okay, my mom used to date
Craig T. Nelson.
"Coach" was almost my dad.
Lucy, this is a waste of time.
I'm taking over the group.
Oh, damn!
A coup d'trang!
All right, l keep it together.
Don't get crazy.
Lucy, what do you want?
If Cox sees me with you,
he's gonna k*ll me.
Please. I need your help.
I was leading our group,
and they weren't listening,
and I felt it happening again.
See, whenever I get
into a position of power,
something changes inside me.
Look, the key to leading
the group is trang.
You gotta get
in that little bastard's face,
and you gotta
let the crazy out.
Do you want to see how I do it?
You back the hell up right now
or I will watch you die,
and I will laugh! See?
It's easy.
Ugh. There's Drew.
What an ass.
Why don't you let me fix this?
All right, I'm-a fix this.
Hey, Drew! Come. Come.
Just come.
Hey, how's it going? Yeah.
You guys, come on.
You're in love.
You need to start talking.
Let's get it goin'.
Uh... sorry to interrupt.
Uh, now I understand Dr. Turk's
naive impulse to get it going.
He was raised on a diet
of Western television
and airport novels.
But in many less-developed parts
of the world,
silence plays a crucial part
of a-a couple's search
for real, true
emotional intimacy.
I'm reminded of an old proverb
from the...
Zambezi River tribe...
"Two hearts forged in silence
grow into one."
Your last tot beckons me.
May I?
Dude, you...
You can't just take
my last tot like that.
What the...
Oh, I get it.
Dude starts speaking...
And all of a sudden,
everything's all good, huh?
It's all good now?
Fine. I'm gonna go get
some more tots.
Lucy, have a seat.
We're about to start.
What are you doing?
Staring into your soul.
Dominating your mind.
I'm freaking your being.
See? I own that.
That's my vacation home.
I come up on the weekends when
I feel like bringing the hurt!
All right, people.
Let's start on chapter ten.
Uh-oh. It's happening.
All right.
We should really go.
Ignore the pagers.
I'm in charge.
Hey, you're right.
You're absolutely right.
Everything's fine.
Yes!
What the hell happened
to you guys?
Dude, it was awesome!
Lucy b*at the crap
out of Trang!
Best girl fight I've seen
since I paid those two lady
janitors to wrestle.
What is that?
Y'all hear that?
Dip! Russell is
eaking it down!
That was
a real Masai warrior dance.
Huh? You got moves
like that?
That's not fair.
I mean, everybody, of course,
they... they hear the music,
but not everybody hears
the music.
Are you...
Yo. Beatbox.
What?
Beatbox, son!
I guess I can try.
Go, fool!
No, keep it going.
Keep it going!
One leg.
No, no. I got this.
I got this. No, don't pull me.
I pulled it. I pulled it. I pulled it.
I pulled it. Stop. What the hell was that?
Were you talking
about a specific move
or... or the entire program?
Do you respect yourself
right now?
Oh, God, no!
Russell.
Who's named Russell?
A ton of people. But it's
such a girlie name, right?
No, not really. Would it hurt
you to build up a brother?
You know what?
I don't need you.
I'm done with this dude
bothering me.
"Hell" can mean different
things for different people,
whether it's being bested
by a rival...
How are we feeling today,
Irene?
Did Dr. Vaughn tell you?
I think I want him
to do the surgery.
Oh, I didn't get a
chance to tell him yet.
Russell.
or being let down
by a friend...
I tried what you said with
Trang, and it didn't work.
Look, after months
of self-doubt,
I have finally found
my role here.
I am a great number two.
I'm Garfunkel, Drew.
And I am okay with that.
But I need you
to be my Micky Dolenz.
That was the band, right?
Yeah, Dolenz and Garfunkel.
Couldn't you just come back?
Please?
- We need you. I need you.
- Lucy, I'm sorry.
I just don't care. You need
to put on your big-girl pants,
suck it up
and figure it out for yourself.
So Drew had abandoned us,
and that was fine,
because I was finding my feet
as a leader.
I was inspiring the group
like my hero,
the lesbian president
from " ."
Everybody, get out!
I'll do it myself!
You're all useless!
What?!
You don't need to worry
about us, buddy boy.
It's my house now,
and it is
all good in the 'hood, bro.
Uh... Russel?
- Why are you putting my name in the assist column?
- Yes, I picked you to help me with Irene's surgery.
You know, I thought it'd be
a real nice feather in your cap.
Way to go, man. Oh, "Way
to go"! Russell, listen.
I don't need any more feathers
in my cap, okay?
I've got a peacock back here.
Major plumage.
I have so much
that I could teach you, I mean,
if you just open up your eyes
and... and let me in, Turk.
Let me in. I'm about to
punch you in your mouth.
Fine. But be fair-warned.
I trained with the Mossad, okay?
I could k*ll you with a
button off your jacket. Really?
Well, I train with
Lamarcus down at the gym,
and he was an NFL linebacker
until he came out the closet!
All right.
I have two minutes.
Here is what
you should be doing.
Thank God you're back, Drew.
Lucy is crazy.
Trang, you haven't even begun
to see crazy.
You want to do this again?
You feeling froggy?
Then leap, son.
Stop! All right, I'm not even
supposed to be helping you,
so listen up.
The key to diagnosing
your case study is in chapter...
Drew. Outside. Now.
Wait. Drew, what chapter?
Wait. What book?
They all have chapters!
You. Now just exactly
what in the hell were you doing
in there? Come on.
Now I gave you the keys
to freedom, and you blew it.
Now I'm gonna stand here
and watch as you march
back into that hole
and tell those parasites that
they have to do it on their own.
You know what?
I can't do that, because
I'm one of those parasites.
In fact,
I'm the king of the parasites,
and whether you like it or not,
they need me.
So... fail me if you want,
but I'm gonna go back in there,
and I'm gonna help my friends.
Of course... that is
what you're going to do.
You're like me, number one.
You can't help yourself.
Son, you're a leader.
You had this whole thing
planned, didn't you?
You knew I wouldn't be able
to stay away from them.
Yes, indeed.
A piece of advice?
Pick a leadership style
and stick to it.
But please avoid
aggressive shaming,
because it's
my bread and butter.
Yeah. I've seen your work.
Very impressive.
Thank you.
It means a lot to me.
G-g-go, go, go.
Go, go.
This is embarrassing.
Why are you moping around
like a tiny girl bitch?
Wow. Can't you ever
just be like "Hi,"
or even better,
"What's up?"
Sure. What's up,
tiny girl bitch?
So you're too good
to assist Russell now?
No, I am the chief of surgery.
I am no one's secretary.
Secretary? He's asking you to
help him with a tricky surgery.
Sir, do you just hang around,
waiting for conversations
to weigh in on?
Yeah. That and my judge shows
get me through the day.
Now, look, good leaders
don't care about their ego.
If all you want to do is
get massaged,
I've got the number
of a girl who will take you
to the mountaintop.
God, you are a nasty old man.
Thanks, dear.
Turkleton,
let me cut to the quick...
Either you get into
that surgery,
pucker up
and start kissing Russell's ass
so he continues to raise giant
sums of money for this hospital,
which helps everyone,
or you can continue to act
like a... what was that, dear?
Tiny girl bitch.
That's right. Either way,
it's your call, chief.
Sir, you're so happy you're not
the chief anymore, aren't you?
Every second.
All right, we have five hours
to finish this project.
I'll start with the labs and
we'll move on to diagnosis.
Wait. So what, you
think you can just waltz back in here
after abandoning us and be
the leader of our group again?
- Yes.
- Oh, thank God!
Hey, yo, Drew,
I am glad you are back, man.
But I was thinking before we
start, we take a little break.
Garfunkel, handle that.
Yeah, you know
what would be great, Cole,
is if you could go get us all
some coffee.
Hey, maybe you could take
your wheelie shoes.
Oh, man. I'd love to,
but some big guys took 'em.
Oh. Well, then why don't
you just root around
for mints in my purse?
Sometimes being a leader is
knowing when to step up.
"It's important to mention
and briefly discuss
the enervation
of the pancreas."
And sometimes being a leader
is knowing when to step aside.
Hey, Russell, uh...
If you still need a
pair of hands, I'm here.
Good for you, Christopher.
You know,
reminds me of an old anecdote
from my good friend Bono...
Could you just cut? He was just
about to go onstage at Wimbledon.
It was the... it was the first
album, and the crowd was just...
Now that I guess
we love each other,
we should probably share
all our weird secrets.
All right, you go first.
I cry when I watch
"The Bachelor."
I watch "The Bachelor."
I, uh, lost my virginity
to a sofa.
- I like when ice skaters fall down.
- Doesn't count. Everybody likes that.
I like when children fall down.
I love you.
Fine!
I love you, too.