Okay, mr. Rego, I know
you've been complaining
About the bedpans being
too cold, so I used
An incubator in pediatrics to
warm this bad boy up for you.
Enjoy.
You know, I used
to use an incubator
To keep my lunch warm
till some whiny new mom
Complained that her preemie
smelled like a ham sandwich.
Weird thing was, I had
a tuna melt in there, not ham.
Most newborns smell amazing.
An unlucky few
are ham babies.
Oh, god. Here comes the happiest
person on the planet.
Hi! Oh, hey, oh, you look
so beautiful today.
Hi! Oh, hi, katie!
All the interns are going out
for drinks. You want to come?
Yeah. I'll get my stuff.
How about you,
dude chick?
Nah, I'm gonna stay here
and catch up on my scut work.
You can try as hard as you want
not to be my friend,
But eventually I'm gonna get ya.
Come on, howie.
If I get drunk enough,
I'll undo my scrub bottoms
And let you do
a sh*t off my butt.
All right.
I've noticed that you
always stay here late
And work after your shift
is over.
I got a lot of work.
If you don't get out
of the hospital
Every once in a while
and blow off some steam,
This place will
eventually crush you.
So go, okay? For me.
Fine.
Great. Oh, my god, caitlin,
that baby's beautiful.
(cooing)
(sniffs)
(grunts) ham baby.
Mm.
What?
Oh, hell, no.
Gotcha.
(suspenseful music plays)
holy mackerel.
Oh, my god.
This can't get any worse.
That is one
long-ass booby hair.
(j.D.) like most hospitals,
sacred heart makes
Their interns put on a sketch
show roasting the senior staff.
It was never any good,
but this year it would be.
Okay, people,
before we begin,
You need to accept
one simple truth--
We are funny, and you are not.
Sucks to hear, doesn't it?
We will be writing all of
your sketches. You're welcome.
Let's jump right in.
I need two volunteers
To go full-frontal.
Howie?
No. I have eczema.
Sunny, denise, maybe rubbing
some oil on one another?
Yeah, sure, no problem.
No, not at all.
Okay, well, then let's cut
the leukemia sketch.
Dude, no!
That sketch is gold.
Well, if they're not naked,
they're just sad and dying.
What's funny about that?
We make 'em british.
Good save. It's back in,
but only because this man
Is a comic genius.
I have been called
the black wayne brady.
Okay, try
and believe in us, guys.
This thing has not been funny
for eight years,
When we were interns.
(falsetto voice)
♪ I lovjesus ♪
♪ and jesus cure me ♪
♪ one, two, three, jesus! ♪
I sure do love me
some jesus.
I know, laverne.
You rang?
The messiah, ladies
and gentlemen! The messiah.
Shalom and nanu nanu,
my friends.
Oh, hell, no!
Front row. (grunts)
(laughter)
There will be
a -minute intermission.
I never saw her coming. She was
k*lled in a car accident.
I miss her.
Anyway, let's be funny...
For her.
(lazlo bane) ♪ I can't do this
all on my own ♪
♪ no, I know ♪
♪ I'm no superman ♪
Hey, will you hand me those
blood gas reports, sonia?
You can call me sunny.
My dad nicknamed me that
Because he said
I brighten up a room.
Of course in college,
I had a few dark years.
My car was stolen.
I had three--was it three?
No, four--
I had four abortions.
I'm joking. (laughs)
I'm gonna k*ll you
with a hammer.
(laughs)
Why are you laughing?
'cause I'm scared.
I'm not that strong.
So... How was last night,
denise?
I ended up staying here
and finishing my casework.
What the hell? I mean,
at least with my patients,
I'm used to being ignored,
like mr. Cooper
After his triple bypass.
I told him to start
eating healthier.
He goes right back to
scarfing down bacon burgers.
And do you want to know
where he is now, denise?
He's dead, isn't he?
I was going to say that he was
dead, but I think saying that
About people who are
still alive is a huge jinx.
Look, when I kicked you out
of the hospital last night...
(cell phone ringing)
Please don't be mr. Cooper dead.
Please don't be mr. Cooper dead.
Nope, just my mom. Ignore.
(beep)
Look, I promise I'll get out
of the hospital tonight, okay?
Deal. Now come on. I want
you guys both to see this case.
She's a -year-old girl
with cyclical neutropenia.
It's a rare disorder
that periodically shuts down
Her entire immune system.
Basically, every three weeks
she almost dies.
(cell phone beeping)
Hey, briana, mrs. Tarasi.
Just wanted to introduce you
to sunny and denise.
They're the interns who'll be
covering the floor today.
Oh, cool. If you guys give me
your cell numbers,
I can text you
if I need anything?
These kids with their texting
and their cell phones.
Our geration
never had that stuff.
Yeah.
I just kind of feel like,
I don't know,
There's three generations
in the room right now.
If you want
to instant message me,
My screen name is
sunnyhoneybunny.
Of course it is.
Do you have teenagers?
How old do you think I am?
What's up?
Where have you been?
Oh.
How could you be late?!
(grunts)
This is our sketch show! Our
sketch show! Our sketch show!
(grunts and screams)
That's cool, man.
It's just a sketch show.
Our sketch show!
Okay, let's assign sketches.
Partner up, please.
(door closes)
yikes. Um...
I'll be with denise.
Problem solved.
Yay. Can we go now?
Good morning.
Okay, I think we should just
get this out in the open.
I saw you pluck your...
Special hair the other day.
(imitates springing noises)
Boing, boing.
(imitates violin playing)
I was there. I saw.
The question is,
what are we gonna do about it?
I have an idea. Let me
speak first. May I? Good.
I believe that you should
give me the hair,
Because I've been scrapbooking
the most disgusting things
That I can think of,
and I want to put it
On the page in between
my decayed molars and my snug,
Which is a snail/slug hybrid
that I was able
To splice together
in my garage unsuccessfully.
We didn't see
each other yesterday.
Well, that was unexpected.
Thank you. Okay, briana,
your chest x-ray looks good.
We should be able
to get you home tomorrow.
I'm just gonna go talk
to your mom
About some changes
in your medication.
Aren't moms the greatest?
My mom bought me these scrubs
last week just because.
Oh, and this morning
I found this little note.
It says,
"you're super special."
If that's what moms do,
I'm glad I never met mine.
(chuckles) "look at me.
I'm dark and edgy."
I love my mom, but I wish
she would ease up a little.
I mean, I know I'm sick,
but not all the time,
And she still never
lets me leave the house.
You know,
I've never had a date.
It's like she's
so freaked out about me dying
That she won't
let me have a life.
She doesn't want
your stupid note.
(whispers)
you don't know that.
Do I know you?
I'm a friend.
What is jimmy the overly
touchy ordly doing here?
Dude, he does amazing
impressions. He's a ringer.
We could put him in any bit
that's not working,
Like the dr. Wen sketch.
(claps)
it's almost showtime. Let's
work out some of the kinks.
You guys doing
the dr. Cox sketch,
Make sure you really
Stretch out
all your words, okay?
And under no circumstances
are you to tell him that
I wrote the joke implying
he may have a sports car
Because he has a small penis--
unless he finds it hilarious,
At which point,
you will break character
And say, "john dorian
wrote that joke."
I will then stand,
give a humble nod like so
And then gesture
for you to continue.
Meghan,
you're playing carla.
That's my wife.
Please show some respect.
Kathy,
you're playing elliot,
So I want to see some bug eyes,
all right? And--perfect.
Plus find some cardboard.
Stick it down the back
of your pants, right?
Make that ass flat, girl. Let me
see what you got right now.
Yeah, we can go flatter.
We can go flatter.
We can go flatter!
You know what?
I've chewed on that thing,
And it's flatter
than day-old beer.
I gotta tell ya.
You know what? I made a funny.
Turk, rewrite.
♪ I am already on it ♪
Katie, dynamite
beardfacé costume.
I can't see anything in this.
Performers find a way, katie.
Use your other senses.
(j.D.) where are
sunny and denise?
Well, you know, they're supposed
to be--no, thank you. Cool.
They're supposed
to be playing us,
But they haven't picked up
their scripts or anything.
Hey, dr. Reid, could we talk
to you about briana?
Her mom is being
way too overprotective.
Unfortunately, milady,
I saw what I saw.
You either plucked a giant hair,
or you have mini chest snakes.
Maybe you're
just imagining things,
Like that time you thought
you'd built a giant sand castle
In the parking lot, or the time
you said you hung j.D. Up
Like a flag, totally defying
the laws of physics.
I did those things.
Did you?
At least I thought I--head games
aren't gonna work on me.
Unfortunately for you,
I have a photographic memory.
For instance, I arrived
here yesterday at : a.M.
At : a.M., I took a nap.
At : p.M.,
I awoke to find you plucking
a comically large hair
Off of your baby feeder.
I then took my afternoon nap,
then I went on break,
And then I went home. Couldn't
sleep a wink. Damndest thing.
Sad.
Stop walking away from me.
And now I'm sleepy again.
(mutters)
Briana should totally
get to live her life.
I'm gonna go talk to her mom.
But you guys gotta
Do me a favor. She's really
starting to get in my head
With this whole
"we're the same age" thing.
So I'm just gonna start
throwing out numbers,
And you gu stop me
whenever I get to the age
You think I look like, okay?
, , , , , .
You know what? This is
a really stupid game, okay?
Aren't you guys late
for some sketch show?
Crap.
(sighs) idiots.
Isn't this fun,
running together?
Shut up, sunny!
Okay.
Oh, my god. I'm so nervous.
Welcome to live theater.
Mm-hmm.
(light applause)
(imitating kelso) I'm bob kelso,
and my life is so empty
That I still
come here every day
To stuff my face with muffins.
And I like prostitutes.
(laughter)
(laughs) that's funny
'cause it's true.
(applause)
(imitating todd)
hey, I'm the todd.
Wow, looks like we got
a full house.
I got a full house
in my pants. Boom!
(laughing)
(imitating british accent)
hello, I'm dr. Beardface.
I was up all night sewing.
My beard is only this big.
Lighten up, seymour.
I took my lumps.
Okay, one last chance to admit
the truth before this gets ugly.
Did I see the nurple hair
or not?
You did not.
(katie) beardface!
Mm. And so it begins.
(imitating dr. Wen) hi.
I'm dr. Wen, and it's an honor
To have you as a patient,
owen wilson.
(imitating owen wilson)
oh, come on, doc.
What about patient/doctor
privacy, huh?
How's that supposed
to make me feel?
Mr. Jack black.
(imitating jack black)
thanks, buddy!
♪ sacred heart ♪
(sings indistinctly)
Mr. Brad pitt.
thank you, dr. Wen.
I do have to say, it's very hard
covering the medical bill
When you have children,
ha ha! (grunts)
(imitating dane cook) you know,
you know, people are
Always asking me, "hey, hey,
dane cook, hey, dane cook"--
Yeah, they use my full name--
"hey, what's the deal
"with tong depressors, huh?
Is it supposed to make
Your tongue sad or something?"
like, taste it--
"oh, this muffin tastes sad."
why do people find me funny?
(man clears throat)
Dude, we gave 'em
too much jimmy.
(j.D.) off the stage, jimmy!
Okay, jimmy. Yay.
Hi, everyone.
We're gonna do a sketch
about dr. Dorian and dr. Turk.
I don't even know what
we're supposed to do.
Just follow my lead.
(whispers) okay.
(laughter)
Look at your mole.
It's huge.
Here are those lab reports
you wanted, turk.
Thanks.
I did need those, j.D.
(j.D.) they're bombing.
(turk) mm, serves them right.
Yeah, who cares about them?
We did it!
We did the whole thing.
Good-bye, j.D.
Thank you so much for ev--
Shh.
(audience gasps)
How is that funny?
(laughing)
(cheering and whistling)
Hey, dr. Reid,
Did you get a chance
to talk to briana's mom?
Well, I'll tell you--
Hey, denise, we're all going out
for drinks to celebrate.
You want to come?
No, I'm gonna stay and study.
And you broke your promise
yet again. Shocking.
Look, I promise I'll go out
tomorrow night, okay?
So what did briana's mom say?
You know, I've been
thinking about it.
Okay, we have really no idea
what that woman's going through.
I mean, who's to say that she
isn't right to be so cautious?
After all,
it's her daughter.
So I decided
not to talk to her.
It's really
none of our business.
(cell phone beeps)
Today was the fifth anniversary
of the time turk and I
Met david caruso
on a ferris wheel.
Usually to celebrate,
turk would lift me in the air
While I straddled him
and yelled, "eagle!"
But this morning I somehow knew
that wasn't gonna happen.
Hey.
Hey.
Eagle! Elliot didn't seem
like herself either.
I don't care what you think
is right for briana, okay?
If either one of you
hassles her mom,
There will be consequences--
bad ones.
Okay, why are you smiling?
I can't help it.
It's permanent.
Donny, muffin, please?
Not bran.
Better.
What do you want?
I'm gettin' ready to t*rture
nurse chest whiskers.
But it's her word
against mine,
So I need you to verify
yesterday's incident.
What incident?
I wasn't even here yesterday.
You were there.
Excuse me. What? Shh. (whispers)
he's standing right here.
(whispers) me?
(normal voice)
okay, I'll tell him.
My muffin thinks you're crazy,
and she wants you to go.
(normal voice)
you tell your muffin
That I think she's crazy.
Maybe she should go.
No.
What is happening to me?
Nice job.
(denise) that lady has no idea
what's good for her daughter.
I know. I just want to go
over there and smush her face.
So this is you mad?
Did you hear me?
I'd like to smush it!
So go talk to her.
I mean, you're both
sort-of-almost doctors.
Part of that is doing
what you think is right.
Let's do this.
Okay, try to act tough.
And forget it.
Oh, so now we can't sit
on the same side of the table?
We always do up here.
Why did that sketch
bother us so much?
We've always joked
about our little--
don't say it, okay?
I hate that word.
It's a bromance, turk.
You can't fight it.
It never bothered me before
because I thought it was
Our stupid little joke that
elliot and carla were in on,
But I didn't know that's how
The whole hospital
views us, man.
J.D.?
Pretty great, huh?
Well, when you're right,
you're right.
Yeah.
So how's your day going?
It's pretty good so far.
Mm-hmm.
I see you're eating bread again.
I thought you were off carbs.
J.D.!
I-I'm sorry. I'm back.
Continue.
We're senior staff now, so...
Maybe at work we should
tone down the p.D.A.
I agree.
But does that include--
It definitely
includes "eagle."
Oh. Good.
Oh, look at that.
I'm not hungry anymore.
Briana has so much
to deal with right now.
Just seems like you should let
her enjoy every normal moment
She can instead of forcing her
to hide from life all the time.
As much as I hate to agree
with dr...
Dey.
Your name is sunny day?
Mm-hmm.
Okay, as ridiculous
as it was for her parents
To name her that, I think
what you're doing with briana
Is a thousand times worse.
My daughter's immune system
doesn't work.
Why don't you two tell me
what it's like when your child
Risks death
every time she shakes hand
Do you think I care one bit
what you think?
We tried.
You know, yesterday dr. Reid
came in and gave me
The same sanctimonious speech,
and I told her
The exact same thing.
Hey, what's going on over here?
Everything okay?
I'm great. I just don't know
what's real anymore.
But that's okay, right?
I mean, so what
if big chunks of my life
Were just figments
of my imagination?
So I never went to china
and had a baby with a local.
Maybe I was never
In "the fugitive."
Listen, this place
can make anyone crazy.
Mm.
Once, after a double shift,
I swore I went home
and crawled into bed with turk.
Next day, I woke up
in the on call room
Spooning dr. Beardface.
Now the guys' always
slipping me hotel keys.
(laughs)
Can't believe you're
being so nice to me
When I almost punished you
for something
That never even happened.
Please accept my apologies.
That was easier than I thought.
No, beardface.
I'm so proud of you, man.
You know,
I've always emulated you.
I shave my privates bald
to look like your head.
Todd, I'm actually
kind of touched.
Come on.
What's going on?
They're gonna publish
my old therapy paper.
There it was.
He wanted a hug, and I damn
sure wanted to give him one.
But all we could do
was say this...
Congrats.
Thanks, man.
Don't look back.
Fight it. Fight it.
Damn it, you're only human.
(voice echoes) turk!
(panting) I ran
all the way around.
(j.D. And turk)
♪ it's guy love ♪
people are gonna look.
What people?
♪ it's guy love,
it's real to guys ♪
(turk) oh!
(slaps back)
Why'd you lie about
talking to briana's mom?
Uh, I'm going first.
Why did you go talk to her
After I told you to drop it?
It's not fair
what her mom's doing.
And why is that?
I don't know.
Because people need to be able
To go out and do things
and live life.
Where have I heard
that before? Oh, yeah,
It's the exact same advice
I've given you , times.
So you had me get crushed by
that mom just to prove a point?
She even had me
give you a little push
So you wouldn't wimp out.
I'm very bright.
Look, I've been there.
I did what you did.
I was an intern.
I've lived at this hospital.
I saw the same exact people
day after day,
Which, for the record, makes
even the uggos look attractive
After a while.
Oh, is that how you got
together with dr, dorian?
What? No!
Well, maybe at first. No.
No.
Sometimes interns
think they know it all,
But the lessons really
never stop coming.
Whether you've heard it
a thousand times...
For the last time, get out
of here every once in a while,
Or this place
will swallow you up.
What about briana?
Or it's something totally new.
So much crappy stuff
happens here all day long.
The best way to get past it
is do what I do.
Just pretend
it never happened.
♪
Hey, sorry again.
Don't b*at yourself up
about it.
Of course, some lessons
you pick up on your own...
I just got the urge
to buy you a shirt.
Well, then, to the mall!
Mount up. Yeah!
Eagle!
(laughing)
like how important it is
to have a good friend here
To help you get through it.
Oh!
Anyone sitting here?
Not just anyone--you.
Okay, no more talking
until I'm drunk, okay?
(speaks indistinctly)
(beep)
partner up, please.
Val, please don't make a sign
that says "loser"
With an arrow pointing
towards jo.
Ha ha, now it's--
now it's pointing towards me.
Very clever. Turk, will you
get the sign, please?
I am on it. Val!
You guys are doctors.
I'm tellin' you!
This is unprofessional.
Got it.
(beep)
this is
a different "loser" sign.
Where is the original
"loser" sign? There's two now.
Ght there.
I see it. I see it. I know.
I'm gonna get it right now.
Well, okay. Can you get
that one, please?
I think we should
stop looking for the sign
And start looking
for the sharpie,
'cause we're
losing control here.
We are not losing control.
Okay, who wrote that?