Hey, Zeltzer.
My family is with me here today,
but all the tables are full.
Do you mind if we join
you for breakfast?
Not at all.
I get family.
I'm here so much
I hardly ever see my wife.
That's why I installed
a web camera at my house
so I can see her
during the day.
Right now, I'm watching
her do the Dishes.
Who in god's name are
those two naked people?
- That's Mr. and Mrs. Dish.
- Get out!
Hi, poppy.
FYI, I fired the cashier and the
person that made the scrambled eggs.
- Their accents were unintelligible.
- What are you talking about?
It's one of the benefits of
you being the Chief of Medicine.
I can fire people
under your auspices.
Also, I didn't have to pay for food.
I got three steaks.
Jordan, that's rid-
Give me one of these.
Why isn't he in preschool
right now?
'Cause he told me they have
the day off for Yom Kippur.
Yom Kippur was six months ago.
I hate school!
Never have been
more proud of you.
It's the password
to my webcam.
Think you're going to dig it.
Oh, babe.
You got a little smudge there.
- What is that, strawberry jam?
- No, just a little blood from shaving.
Oh. Sweety.
Don't worry.
I wasn't shaving myself.
Say, Jack?
Don't your think your mom
should be just a little embarrassed
since she's constantly being
outwitted by a -year old?
I hate school!
I remember.
Can you please not be a jackass
in front of the help?
- I'm gonna get going.
- Okay.
- We're still on for tonight, right?
- I'll answer that with this...
- I don't know what that means.
- You're so cute!
I'm actually baffled.
Am I gonna see her tonight or not?
Was either one of us giving you
a vibe that we gave a crap?
Because if so, that's an accident
and we're sorry.
Apology accepted.
You know, just because Lady and I
are clicking and you guys aren't
doesn't matter really.
Just means we're a better couple.
I'm just tired of him
saying I'm not a good parent.
- I am a great mom.
- Oh really?
Then where is your son Jack?
Damn it!
Jack!
This is SportsCenter.
After Buffalo Bills' tight end
Kevin Everett
fractured his cervical
spine during a game,
the question wasn't whether
he would ever walk again.
It was whether he would live.
Thankfully, Mr. Everett's both
alive and walking today,
thanks to an incredibly risky medical
procedure, called "cold therapy".
It's as unproven as
it is controversial,
with doctors still disagreeing
about its very effectiveness.
CARLA:
Turk, if we have another baby,
it'll still be pretty
financially tight,
'cause we're gonna need
to keep the nanny on for Izzy.
Are you even listening to me?
I'm not, baby.
But I was pretending to listen,
so I think we can both
agree that means I love you.
Turk, this is serious.
I worry about this stuff.
Baby, the only thing I'm worried
about is you having another girl.
- I'm surrounded by girls.
- Surrounded?
Yes, surrounded by girls, baby.
You, Izzy, Elliot.
- Who else?
- Hey!
What's that laugh about?
That laugh is never good for me.
- You're a girl.
- No I'm not.
- What's this show, is it new?
- It's SportsCenter, dude.
If you must do that witch cackle,
can you please do it in the hallway?
Thank you.
I've been watching this show
every day since I was years old.
We've asked you,
among many things today,
how do you feel about
the baseball, the football, the...
So, they just sit there
and talk about sports?
Your wife is a dirty whore.
- Dude!
- Sorry, not dirty.
- Dude!
- Not a whore.
How cool would it be
to be on SportsCenter?
Welcome to SportsCenter.
America has voted.
The results are in.
And the worse athlete
in the world...
It's this guy right here.
I like wearing a helmet
'cause I can do this....
And it only hurts a little bit.
Congratulations, John Dorian.
You are a giant nerd.
So cool.
Season Episode
My Nah Nah Nah
It's amazing watching
Turk do his thing.
I haven't been to the future yet,
but I may be the
best surgeon of all time.
Close him up.
Nah nah nah,
nah nah nah.
What are you doing?
You were awesome,
just like on SportsCenter.
Nah nah nah,
nah nah nah.
Nah nah nah,
nah nah nah.
I know, that's what I did...
No, hold on a second.
Doe a deer.
No, it's do, it's a deer.
J.D., now is not
a good time, okay?
That kid broke his neck.
I want to thank you
for dinner last night.
I've eaten by candle light before,
but never by firefly light.
It was hard to get them all in the jugs,
but I thought that was worth it.
So what do you
want to do tonight?
I don't really want to hold
hands right now. Is that okay?
Sure.
You know, that's--
I'm fine with that, whatever.
Like teenage girls say,
whatever.
We're cool.
Okay, I'll call you.
Okay.
Hey, janitor.
Rock solid relationship there.
You know, there's nothing like
looking in someone's eyes
and seeing a part of them die.
There it goes.
Bye bye hope.
Everything is fine
between me and Lady.
And excuse me for
not having a relationship
built on a mutual affection
for jet-black hate.
We don't hate each other, do we?
A little bit, but we make it work.
- At least, I can hold your hand.
- There it is.
What's this?
What the hell?
Are you wearing a wedding ring?
You're just noticing that now?
He's been wearing it for months.
- Months?
- Gotta go.
I'm a cutter.
I usually say
"Surgery went great" or...
"He's not gonna make it,
I'm sorry."
I've never had to tell anyone
that their son is gonna be paralyzed
That's gotta suck.
I wish there was
an easier way to say this.
Mr. Hill.
Got you a card.
Great to see you,
great to talk.
The bad new is...
your son can't walk.
And see, there's a picture
of a kitty cat
in a wheelchair.
Look at the cat, he's shrugging
like "What are you gonna do?"
What are you gonna--
We did it at the same time.
Dude, was the daydream helpful?
Not especially.
I need you to focus.
You're better at this than I am.
Here's what you're gonna do.
You're gonna go in there and
you're gonna be completely honest.
That's all you've got. 'Cause I've been
a doctor for more than ten minutes.
Try not to get too emotional.
If you feel yourself starting
to cry, do what I do
and think of that gopher at the end
of Caddyshack when he dances.
Got it.
And Turk, most importantly...
Don't give him any false hope.
You know. If you go in there
and make him think for a second
there could be
a happy ending for him,
it doesn't work out,
they're gonna blame you forever.
I did that, you remember, with
my patient Mr. Chazznini
I think about it everyday.
Good luck.
Mr. Hill.
I'm Dr. Christopher Turk.
I need to talk to you about your son.
Mrs. Jensen, your brain CT
came back and as you can see,
we were able to get all
of the tumor. Unfortunately...
We were not able
to remove this.
That's the song that has been
stuck in your head.
Dr. Cox.
Hey!
What gives with you wearing
that thing on your finger?
It's mainly to detour cougars
like Mrs. Jensen here
from hitting on me, but it doesn't
seem to have stopped you, does it?
What's the real reason?
I don't know. Lately, I've been
feeling warm and fuzzy about the kids,
a little less nauseous about you,
and then I found this thing
stuck to an old piece of gum
in the medicine cabinet.
I put it on a couple of months ago
and I haven't taken it off since.
Perry, we're not married.
We're two independent people
who enjoy each other's company
and are perfectly happy.
We're the opposite of married.
- I don't want you to wear it anymore.
- Fine.
Fine, what do you say I melt it down
into a b*llet and sh**t myself with it?
Thank you.
Holding hands isn't so hard, is it?
I guess something's wrong
between me and Lady.
Dibs.
Who's Lady?
Apparently she's not a fan of hand
holding. And that's what couples do.
That and sleep head to toe.
I'm just not sure she's the one.
Zeltzer, when were you sure
your wife was the one?
That was our fourth date
over at her place.
We were sitting by the fire,
just staring into each other's eyes.
And I knew then in there
that she was the one.
I would have told her, but I had
a rubber ball in my mouth.
I've just been zeltzered.
- Mr. Hill.
- It's Rich.
Okay, Rich.
Here's the situation.
Your son is stable,
his vitals are good.
But the damage to his spine
was quite severe
so there's a strong
possibility that he could...
He really loved that car.
The one he had the accident in.
He was always cleaning it.
Driving it around
with the top down.
Okay, hum...
Rich, the problem with
spinal cord injuries...
Do you have any kids, Dr. Turk?
Yeah, I do.
- I've got a daughter.
- They grew up fast.
You know, when Mickey was ,
he was a hell of a football player.
Rich, I'm trying to talk
to you about your son.
- Here's the...
- Yeah.
I know you're trying to talk
to me about my son.
When I brought Mike in, I saw them
poking at his fingers and toes,
asking if he felt it.
Dr. Turk, I have a pit in my
stomach because I'm afraid
you've come here to tell me
my boy is going to be paralyzed.
Tell me it isn't true.
We're not exactly
certain of that yet.
You're his doctor,
what do you think?
Oh my god, I'm so sorry.
Listen, just something really
funny jumped into my head.
What? Tell me.
You remember when the gopher
starts to dance in Caddyshack?
Don't do the dance, Turk.
Don't do the dance.
Carla, your husband's not doing
very well in there.
I can't watch right now,
I'm working.
You know, if I was married to him,
I'd be more supportive.
You know you said
that out loud, right?
I'm not ashamed of who I am.
And there's a % chance that
the gopher was a puppet, but
this right here...
It's hilarious.
- Dr. Turk, what the hell are we doing?
- I don't know.
Rich, there's a strong possibility
that your son will be paralyzed
from the neck down.
This is unfair.
I'm so sorry.
Please tell me there's something else
that you can do for my son.
Anything.
Don't give up on Mike.
Please.
There's a lot a person can express
simply with their hands.
Whether it's defiance,
What the hell?
Rejection.
Oh, I said I didn't
want to do that.
Why?
We can...
talk about it later, okay?
Looks like somebody is
getting their ass dumped.
Or even desperation.
Please, Dr. Turk.
Please help.
Don't do it, Turk.
No false hope, just get out.
There might be
something I can do.
- Dr. Turk? A word please.
- Yeah.
I'm sorry, sir.
One of your patients is very...
- What the hell are you doing?
- What?
Don't you remember my
"don't give him false hope" speech,
and my lie about how
I had done it with Mr. Chazznini.
- That was a lie?
- Yes, Turk.
I lie to drive my points home.
We both know that about me.
Look, I actually have a good idea.
Mr. Hill.
There's a therapy
I'd like to try on Mike.
But here's the thing.
It's very experimental.
I don't care.
We're in.
It's not up to me to make the
decision, I have to talk to my boss.
Baby, I need to run
something by you.
Are you trying to annoy me
by wearing your wedding ring?
Because all you really needed to do
was wear that "Who farted?" T-shirt.
Now, hun. And when I say hun,
I don't mean the short for honey kind,
But rather the Attila kind.
Despite the fact that wearing our
wedding ring may actually annoy you,
which don't get me wrong is one of
the most stupendous perks
in the history of the planet,
the truth is
I'm wearing it because I want to.
So that's it,
you're just gonna ignore me.
As much as I'll ignore the opening of
Hugh Jackman's next cinematic excretion.
Jordan, come one.
Bottom line,
I'm not telling anyone we're married,
this isn't for other people, it's...
It's for me,
which begs the question
Why on earth would you care?
She can't break up with me
if I don't let her talk to me.
I don't know what was odder. The
janitor spouting random non sequiturs
or Dr. Kelso doing his daily
post-muffin power walk
and rubbing in the fact
that he's retired.
Must suck to be you people.
Baby, it's a long sh*t.
But there's a procedure I heard of
called cold therapy.
We'd induce a mild hypothermia
which would minimize swelling
and hopefully reduce
the body's metabolic demand,
preventing his paralysis.
Hey. Do you have a second?
Oh honey, I would love to but I'm
just right in the middle of something.
Anyway, between the weak
American dollar and the, uh...
you know low interest rates,
I think you'd be absolute fools
not to buy a house right now.
And-and-and the subprime
mortgage foreclosures
have just made it
a complete buyer's market
- What the hell was that?
- I don't know.
But it kinda made sense.
Look, problem with cold therapy
is that it's controversial.
Bottom line: If there are any
complications, that's on me.
I could get sued,
lose my license. Hell baby,
we could lose everything.
The car, the college fund.
- The house.
- What house?
The one the janitor
was talking about.
What am I supposed to do?
What would you do if
it's was one of our kids?
I'd try everything.
There is your answer.
- Say it.
- You're always right.
Well, you were right.
Lady and I are doomed.
Congratulations, Pam.
You think my name is Pam?
You know what, I don't care.
I have my own problems.
The worst part is things were
really going great between us.
Tell me about it.
Perry and I finally got to the place
where we could have
sex facing each other.
I finally got so comfortable with her
that I was able to be the real me.
I even told her
I don't want to have kids.
I just want to adopt
a really short old guy.
If she wants to break up
with me, that's fine.
But I'm just gonna dump her first.
I'm gonna t*rture him
till he gives up that ring.
Eavesdropping.
Things have been going so great
between J.D. and I
since we started dating again.
- You want to know why?
- Not really.
No one cares that
you two are back together.
Why not?
Because you've been
doing it on and off for years.
And if anyone of us
ever want to have
another stupid conversation
about your relationship,
all we have to do is think back and
remember one of the other billions
of stupid conversations we've
all had about your relationship.
So Turk,
this Elliot chick is pretty hot.
- She got nice boobies.
- Awesome boobies.
- So how's the butt.
- Flat. Just like I like it.
Oh, yeah.
# J.D.'s gonna hit that flat butt #
# J.D.'s gonna hit that flat butt #
# J.D.'s gonna hit that flat butt #
# J.D... #
I was just thinking about the
first time I told Turk about you.
Look, you guys both have said
that you've been happy lately.
Why mess that up over a ring?
And why throw all of that away
before you even talk to Lady?
Since I'm part of a couple again,
I'm gonna give some relationship advice
whether you want it or not.
That's what I do.
I can't help myself.
Still,
don't tear things apart just because
you're afraid to feel vulnerable.
Oh, look at him.
You're adorable.
You got a daddy?
I'm just window shopping.
Okay, Rich.
Mike's hooked up to
the thermoregulation system.
His body's now cooling.
All we can do is
wait and hope for the best.
I feel really good
about this, you know.
That makes one of us.
Baby, what am I doing?
I am proud of you.
Not just for being smart,
but for being brave.
Kiss me.
Where did you get the idea
for this risky therapy anyway?
SportsCenter.
Excuse me?
♪ SportsCenter ♪
♪ The place for sports ♪
- Now is not really a good time.
- Okay.
We should talk.
Yeah, I know.
Sorry about that.
- But.
- But.
- You go.
- Oh no. You first.
- I'd prefer you...
- No, you go first.
I don't know what to say.
Please go.
May I?
I'm not really at the talking
part of relationships,
but I've given this
a little thought.
And, huh... And here goes.
If I were a catfish,...
See, that's no good.
Catfish is no good.
Let's pretend we're in Africa.
And you're a monkey
trying to steal my gold.
I'm a germaphobe!
What?
The reason I don't want to
hold hands is that I am a germaphobe.
Specifically,
a hand-specific germaphobe.
My therapist thinks that part
of the reason I'm attracted to you
is that you clean
germs for a living.
And you're a dead ringer
for my dad. Whatever, anyway.
I've never told anyone this before.
And I just finally feel
so comfortable with you
that I want to be the real me.
You know?
I do.
- You're weird.
- Yeah.
I love that.
- Really?
- Yes.
Don't touch the table.
It's full of bacteria.
Thanks.
That sucked.
See you tomorrow, everybody.
Bye Bob!
They're so cute.
But I still think that we're
the best couple here.
- No one cares, Elliot.
- J.D., you're in the relationship.
- You have to care.
- Sorry.
Look, you know what I love
about where we are now?
I can tell you...
As I took Elliot's hand and nodded
to make her think I was listening,
I started to think
about hands again.
And how they really are
windows to what we're feeling.
Whether it's love...
If you say anything,
I'll k*ll you.
Come here.
Or acceptance.
This is great.
It's like I'm steering you.
Look out for weird coughing guy.
And sometimes,
they can even express hope.
So you really think it was
the cold therapy that helped him?
I don't know,
but I'm glad I did it.
I'm really proud of you, baby.
There's got to be a way
I could get on SportsCenter.
Dr. Cox is athletic.
I wonder if he could help.
- What is going on?
- Involuntary luge.
J.D.:
Eagle!
- That's gotta hurt.
- Glory always does.
Look at how his legs
are all twisted.
I'm still not sure
why luge is even a sport.