The second we got to the Abacos
for the janitor's wedding,
Dr. Kelso, well...
He set up shop at the bar.
That's the best Bahama
Mama I've ever had.
I'll be the judge of that.
Hi, Bob Kelso. Excuse me.
Mercy.
If you would be so kind
as to store this for me,
we could get this party started.
One Bahama Mama, please.
You can have this back
when mine comes.
Things weren't going
that well for the rest of us.
Jordan wasn't happy with Dr. Cox
for pretending he had work to do.
Elliot was mad at me for never saying
"I love you" in a romantic enough way.
And Carla was so busy being a mom...
♪ Hush, little baby, don't say a word
♪ Mama's gonna buy you
- # a mockingbird.
- She left Turk alone at sea.
Hey, what's up?
Ma'am!
Lady?
What's up, Blaquaman?
- I think I just saw a mermaid.
- Maybe you just spooked it.
Oh, cute looking eel.
- No, I'm naked.
- Alright, that's you.
I was supposed to meet Carla
out here for a little "surf and Turk".
Took off my swim trunks.
These bad boys just floated away.
Elliot's mad at me because
I didn't say "I love you" right.
You know what?
That eel is looking at me funny,
- I'm gonna switch over here.
- Yeah, he's got a mind of his own.
Plus, I needed to say
how much I loved her.
And I needed to be
looking right into her eyes.
Well, what's the difference?
Look at me and say it.
I love you.
That's about right.
And you're naked. Perfect.
Either one of you two idiots
seen my computer?
Maybe the mermaid took it.
He's not great in the heat.
I did see a mermaid.
Plus, the janitor wanted to k*ll me for
forcing him to have a wedding ceremony.
If I'm gonna have a ceremony,
I just need a little help.
Go sunscreen up again and call
an emergency meeting of the Brain Trust.
Island style. Where's Todd?
Last time I saw him, he was stuffing
seaweed into his bathing suit.
Sure. Where's Doug?
Oh, no! I forgot
to give him his invite.
He's getting married and
he didn't invite any of us?
Oh come on!
And carrying around
your invitation is just stupid!
You look stupid!
Book Doug into the next "Dealing
with rejection" seminar in my garage.
bucks.
bucks! Can I take that class?
No room for you, Ted.
Oh, man!
That's not dealing with rejection.
I can work wonders
with you, my friend.
- One hundred bucks.
- Hundred bucks!
Sweet!
Season Episode
My Soul On Fire: Part
Salad tastes like sunscreen.
That's because you put sunscreen on it.
Oh, man! I put Ranch on my face.
Alright.
Welcome to the nd international
meeting of the Brain Trust.
I'll begin this as I began the
meeting six years ago in Guatemala.
I'm getting married tomorrow.
And I need help.
Ted, you're in charge
of location and music.
Todd, you are in charge of
locating a Justice of the Peace...
and finding a sea turtle
to serve as a ring bearer.
- Any questions?
- Yeah.
Who is this dude?
That is Ira.
As per our bylaws, the Brain Trust
must always have a fourth.
Plus he can speak
to dolphins. Or so he says.
Drink.
Drink.
- The man's a born leader.
- Drink!
- You know what? Let's...
- Drink, damn it!
Time to smooth
things over with Elliot.
Seagull!
Hey, baby!
Check out this awesome place
Turk and I found this morning.
It's called Tahiti Beach and it's out
like right in the middle of the ocean.
We got a kid to videotape us,
but it was good you weren't there,
because he has red hair,
I know how that nauseates you.
That's us doing some muscle poses.
Look how firm Turk looks.
Anyway, that's when we realized
the kid was trying to steal the camera.
Dude.
My wife gave me that camera!
His mistake was running
backwards with the camera on us.
Are you out of your mind?
Unfortunately,
the smoothing over didn't work.
So we're not gonna
talk about yesterday?
For anyone.
So we are not gonna
talk about yesterday?
So we're not gonna
talk about yesterday?
There's nothing really
to talk about, sweetie.
You were a little crazy
before, now it's over.
What is so crazy about
wanting to hear "I love you"
in a meaningful and romantic way?
Oh, good. It's not over.
So you just wasted a whole vacation day
pretending to work just to mess with me?
I recall you saying that you were
happy I couldn't spend time with you.
You knew I wasn't serious.
That's how we interact.
That's our thing.
You know what? I'm sick of
pretending we don't like each other,
It is distinctly not fun anymore.
Would you like to know why? Because A,
We are over . And B...
We actually do like each other.
In fact, brace yourself...
We love each other.
I can't believe you
left me out there yesterday.
I was in the ocean for so long I had
jellyfish stings on my ding-a-ling
I had to make sure Izzy fell asleep.
Why do you have to be
a mommy all the time?
I still make sure you get sex
at least once a week.
Yeah, but you always start with
"This has to be quickie".
Why do you always say that?
Baby, we both know my
"longies" aren't that long.
I gotta be honest with you, sometimes
it makes me feel like you don't love me.
On behalf of all women, I just want to
thank you for equating sex with love.
We think it's awesome
when you do that.
You're welcome.
No, I know he's upset. But just
put him on the phone, okay, Carol?
Hey, buddy.
I guess you're pretty bummed
about the wedding mix-up, huh?
No, man. I got a lot going on here.
So what's it like there?
Is it awesome?
It's pretty awesome.
Yeah, I thought it would be.
You know what, pal?
I'm gonna stay on this
phone with you... I gotta go.
Carol, close me up.
So, I found you
a Justice of the Peace.
Say hello to Van.
- Van?
- Van. Stretch it out.
I drive one of you.
You're right not to laugh.
That was stupid.
Thanks.
- Where d'you find this idiot?
- Man got me through med school.
He's the dude we used to
practice all the rectal exams on.
We did a couple of them
right here in this very bar.
Right there.
With you.
I find that both
fascinating and disgusting.
You already know I love you.
I shouldn't have to make some crazy
gesture. I'm not a big fan of those.
You went online for three hours and
spent a fortune getting a tiki for Turk.
Elliot, I don't really think $
for an actual faux marble
imitation tiki is a fortune.
- Was that total or each?
- That's irrelevant.
Weren't you the one who said we are
past this dumb relationship drama?
And I meant it. Then.
- But you don't now?
- I'm a girl. That's how it works.
And guess what.
All relationships have drama.
When a woman says there
doesn't have to be any drama,
it's because she's so excited there's
no drama at that particular moment
she can't wait to share that feeling
with you before there's any new drama!
I want you to be comforted by the fact
that doesn't sound ridiculous at all.
We're at a wedding! Why can't
you not get to a romantic place?
It's not a real wedding!
It's a crazy cleaning
person's scam for presents.
Then by all means,
continue being an ass.
And do you want to know
why I'm a mommy all the time ?
Please.
It's because I am a mommy.
All the time.
I have a baby at home.
I have one in here.
And I have another one!
Who expects me to
work, raise his kids,
buy his clothes,
make his food, run his life
and still have all the energy in the
world left to sex him up every night.
Even though his longies are
actually pretty damn long.
I know, right?
You obviously know how I feel about
you. Why are you trying to change me?
This... That works for us.
Remember when my dog d*ed and
you told me he went to doggy hell.
And then you said my mom was gonna
go to doggy hell too when she d*ed.
Because of her dog face.
Right.
I've wanted to do you
right there in the vet's office.
Why are you trying to change
our dynamic? I don't want to.
Suit yourself.
Just leave me alone.
Just leave me alone.
Just leave me alone.
Fine. I'll see you at the wedding.
Smile for the camera, honey.
Excuse me.
Payback time. Let's go.
But I...
- Really?
- Let's go.
Bye boys!
- You're okay with this?
- I gotta let my man be my man.
Stop it.
- Babe, don't be late for the wedding.
- Shut up!
You shut up!
The janitor's wedding day
seemed like any other.
- Good morning, Bob.
- Good morning, Gary.
One Bahama Mama, please.
And if you could, the
electric razor from my bag.
Thanks.
For god's sake, Ted, get some sun.
- I've not sunscreened up yet.
- Live a little.
It's warmer than I thought.
Damn you, Mother Earth!
Damn you!
Why?
Here's the incredibly
breathtaking view of Hope Town,
And... Well, what do you know?
It's JD. What's he doing here?
Well, he made me
change my wedding plans.
And as punishment, he's got to spend
ten minutes on top of this lighthouse.
- That's all I gotta do?
- That's it, my friend.
Then how come I got
this fish taped to my hands?
Seagulls!
- Sike! None for you, preggers.
- Damn it!
Do I look like Audrey Hepburn?
Yes, of course.
Crap, he hates Audrey Hepburn.
No, no. You look beautiful.
Let me fix your hair.
Thanks, guys.
I just wanna look great
for my honey bunny.
That's my nickname for him.
He also loves it cause
it's his favorite sandwich.
I feel like I finally found
the perfect man, you know?
Oh, please. There's no such thing.
Look at Perry. He pretends he's cold
and emotionless, but underneath
he's a sweet guy who wants to talk
about our relationship all the time.
Face it. Men are just gassy,
selfish, sex-crazed egomaniacs
who were put on this earth to
make your life miserable, that's it.
I'm getting married in like ten minutes.
You'll live.
Lady, are this some roots
I'm seeing? This is not your color?
No, i'm actually a redhead.
I'm just gonna grab
a sip of my drink.
I touched it, it's all over me!
- Go take a shower.
- Thank you.
Nice hat. Does it
come in a human size?
Shut up.
A hungry seabird pooed on my shirt.
Go get a new one from the
gift shop, you're gonna miss it.
- Do you think they sell this shirt?
- You're an idiot.
Wait, baby.
- What?
- It's the mermaid.
Then what doesn't she have a tail?
Because she's on land.
Oh my god,
this is the father of my child.
Come on, come on.
We're waiting. Come on.
Alright, I am not
a strong public speaker,
nor am I that familiar with the Bible,
so we will do what we can.
Now, if you're excited, for our wedding
today, let me hear you say wooh!
Just like that, it's fun if you
throw your shoulders back.
- Try it.
- We're not gonna do that.
Okay, doesn't want to do that.
Here we go.
These guys are getting married today.
And as a special treat, they thought
it would be nice if you all stood,
and they were to sit.
So, shall we?
Alright then, it is now
time to join these two
as only the Creator can.
- Where's Bob?
- He's right over there.
Of course.
- It's hot!
- Too bad.
Marriage is a dead institution.
It hasn't worked for me.
It hasn't worked
for anybody in my family.
But there are certain
signposts you can follow
to try and make the best of it.
Try not to yell at each other.
A great idea.
Don't share any money.
Always sound, sound advice.
Never strike each other above
the shoulders. From here down.
- From here down, forget it.
- Even though it was a wedding,
none of us were caught up
in the romance of the moment.
- In fact before we knew it...
- Don't share cars.
You'll find that it always
has the other person stink on it.
And you can't get
that stuff off your shirt,
you're gonna live with it
for the rest of your life.
You don't want it when
you're driving to work, you know?
Before we knew it,
we were already here.
Do you, Ladania Williams,
take this man to be
your lawfully wedded husband?
I do.
Oh my god. We were gonna
find out the janitor's name.
And you...
What? It's : .
"High tide" five.
Damn it!
It's alright. We'll just
start again. No biggie.
And you...
That was off the burn!
You know what we'll do?
We'll just say this.
Do you take this lady
to be your lawfully wedded lady?
Of course you do. Look at her.
Looks like a ladybug.
Can I just touch right there for...?
You're done. Out.
Terrible job. Good luck.
I just wanna say something
before we kiss, okay?
And thanks for coming,
even though I didn't want you here.
I know that I'm weird.
But, you know, you'd be weird too
if your mother aged
backwards like mine did.
So the thing is that I always kind of
figured that I would end up alone.
And then you came along.
And you don't just accept my
quirks and my crazy stories
and my lies about my mom,
you actually appreciate me for them.
And I don't think I'll ever
stop appreciating you for that.
But I know that I'll
never stop loving you for it.
I love you too.
And right then, we all realized
the value of the romantic gesture.
From one person who loves someone...
To another.
I remember you.
Wanna get in the water?
Fo' shizzle.
What time does that wedding start?
Classic stuff Bob.
Everything I do
is more fun
if you're doing it with me.
Was that so hard?
Oh really?
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Don't! Don't!
I love you.
I love you.
Bahama Mama.
Big Mama.
God, it's so beautiful here.
Look, Elliot.
I don't know if it's possible
for me to put how
I feel about you into words.
But I guess I'll give it a sh*t.
I had never really believed
I'd find somebody
that I'd love as much as you.
I love you more than
anything in the whole world.
I love you more than Turk.
- Oh my god.
- I know.
That's even hard for
me to say but it's true.
I had to wrestle him
to the ground to get this,
but it's more
important for you to have it.
Look at me.
You're my dream girl.
It's getting a little chilly.
Hey Bob, you've been sitting
here for three days, now.
Why don't you get up and
go see this beautiful island, man?
You're right.
I'll have a Bahama Mama, please.
This is a beautiful place.