After a weekend with Sam,
it's always sad
driving him the minutes
back to Kim's house
Still, there was one positive.
Elliot's a bit territorial.
So if I got any physical
contact from Kim...
Your collar is messed up.
On the way home, Elliot
made me pull over for car sex.
I know I shouldn't
exploit her insecurities.
But car sex really appeals
to my exhibitionist side.
Here we are.
That bitch better watch her hands.
Hi, Kim.
JD, you have fuzz in your hair.
I know. I put it there.
I need to tell you guys something.
It didn't matter
what Kim had to say.
Elliot was already in car sex mode.
To save time, I'll just
take off my underwear here.
Whatever is good for you.
Nothing could stop this train.
You know. Unless Kim was
dating Elliot's stupid ex-boyfriend.
You know what sucks?
I have to hire
a new Chief or Surgery.
And I just can't fathom giving any
of you tiny-brained scalpel jockeys
a leadership position.
Honestly, so far,
this is the only candidate
who I'm seriously considering.
The guy has the opposable thumbs
so you automatically know
he can handle the job.
And I was just thinking
if you slap a diaper on him
and maybe tape
some glasses to his face,
sure as sh**ting
he'll look professional enough.
Do you know what?
I'm gonna call the gentleman.
- I'd be great at that job.
- Then go for it.
Chief of Surgery?
Baby, one of the most
amazing things about you
is that when you want
something badly enough,
you always make it happen.
Remember when you
first started working here.
And I had no interest
in dating you, what did you do?
I made it happen.
And what about when
I had no interest in marrying you?
I made it happen!
Go make this happen.
I'm doing it.
Even though
you didn't use to like me,
- I'm your world now, right?
- My whole word.
That's what I'm talking about.
No, thanks.
So how's married life?
You have to make compromises.
Like my wife's allergic to raccoons.
So I had to throw out my comforter.
How was your honeymoon?
Did you know that Kelso
stayed in the Bahamas too?
I love you.
I love you too.
Let's never leave.
Yeah, we saw him.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I was so blitzed with rum drinks
I could barely remember where I was.
I feel horrible.
Oh no, stop it. At first, you were
like the third wheel from hell,
but then we made you do stuff.
Made you pay for our meals.
Got you in a couple bar fights.
On the beach, we bet you
you couldn't eat a starfish.
- And?
- I owe you a buck.
- So you had fun with it?
- Oh yeah.
Good.
Folks, I'm sorry
but we have to close.
Our pastry maker was
just admitted to the hospital
with a highly
contagious intestinal virus.
What the hell. I'm already in it.
I need to check myself in.
For what?
For that.
So we've been dating about a month
and I just didn't want to say anything
until I knew it was gonna go somewhere.
Well, we hit a little speed bump
when I first found out
that Sam was your baby.
Yeah, he got drunk and asked me
to sell him on the black market.
- She wouldn't, but...
- Oh that's sweet.
I just don't understand how you two
even met. Did someone introduce you?
I love you.
Sweetie, it was over a year ago.
You and I weren't even together.
I figured at most
they could end up friends.
Well, you also told me
he was great in the sack.
Kim, I will k*ll you.
He's not, sweetie.
[mouthing]
You are.
Season Episode
My Cuz
See you then.
They're coming by for lunch
so we can hear everything out
- and get past all this weirdness.
- Sean's coming here?
You don't realize how much
it sucks to spend time
with someone you used to sleep with.
You used to sleep with Kim,
and I have to see her every week.
- That's totally different.
- How?
I don't know. I'm not
some genius that knows
why things that seem the same
are actually very different.
Be crazier.
Did you put on that
Cologne I hate to punish me?
That's insane.
Insanely true.
Go.
Now, I know
I gave all of you - odds,
but no one stitches
an orange faster than me.
No one.
I am a... god.
- Done.
- Damn it!
Good. This is where
you interns are located.
Here I was worried you were
out taking care of sick people.
Finished. Oh crap.
Leave.
I'll take that.
- I heard you were looking for me.
- Yes.
I want officially put my name
in for the Chief of Surgery.
That's a good one.
Laugh all you want
but I'm still getting that job.
I know we don't always get along personally.
But in my defense, it's
because you're a huge jackass.
I'm the best cutter in
this place. And you know it.
When you put it
that way, you compel me
to consult with
a decision committee.
Say, Perry?
Yes, Perry.
Listen, I was wondering.
Can Dr. Turk here
be the new Chief of Surgery?
Well,
I haven't hit the bottle yet
today, so I'm not that drunk.
The answer is no.
Not in this lifetime.
Sorry there.
I did everything possible.
Strength.
- How are you feeling?
- Not great.
But now, when I hurl,
I've been trying to say the names
of my favorite novels so that's fun.
Look.
I'm sure I just have an enterovirus,
so order me cc of...
No, you are not a doctor here anymore.
You will not treat yourself.
I'm sticking the interns on you.
Come on!
What happened
to your sleeve there, Tex?
I sewed on orange on to it.
I'll take the foreigner.
I'm so happy!
I dropped Sam off
at the daycare upstairs
and they seemed really
good with him, didn't they?
- There were good. It was good.
- Oh, good good.
Good things are good.
So it's good.
Stop saying "good", Sean.
You sound like an ass.
You said it too. He said "good".
No I didn't, Sean.
Can you believe this guy?
I need to talk to Kim.
Let's divide up.
I vote yes.
- You said "good".
- Nobody cares, Sean.
Nobody cares.
Am I gonna have an office this fancy
when I'm the Chief of Surgery?
It's dangerous to try
to reason with delusional people
so I'm just gonna
go about my business.
Okay, I'll go. But only because
it's time for my peer recommendation.
Right here, buddy.
I get embarrassed when
people say nice things about me.
Handle your business.
Dr. Turk should be chief because he's
skilled technically, super-efficient.
He's got an awesome dong. He's
great with laparoscopic procedures.
Patients love him...
What was that middle one?
Laparoscopic?
So, you are the best
he could muster up?
No, I'm not the only one.
We all want Turk.
You want him
to be the Chief of Surgery?
That depends.
Does he get a special
chief hat, like a Police Chief?
If you give him the job,
and I make him a hat,
will you force him to wear it?
I was thinking like
an old-time scuba diver helmet.
Hello.
You need a new colon.
Is that a maybe?
You're ready to do this?
Let's hear some crap out.
I feel guilty because
we used to be friends
and now I resent you so much
for having a baby with JD
that sometimes
I dream about you dying.
Also, if you ever even touch JD,
I have sex with him in the car
in front of a random creepy
bicyclist that JD thinks I don't see.
- That sounds healthy.
- I think it is.
Look, if it makes you feel any better,
I used to dream
about you dying all the time.
- Really?
- Yeah. Seriously.
- What are the women talking about?
- I'm not psychic, Sean.
But they better not be all chummy
chatting about which
one of us is better in bed.
They're women.
They don't talk about that.
JD's better at sex.
Sean's better at foreplay.
JD's great at foreplay. He just
takes the "play" part literally
so you've got to embrace
all of his games, you know, his...
"Nooks and Crannies",
"Upsy Daisies".
"Who's in There?", followed
after by "What's in There?"
- "Mr. Peep Tries on Hats".
- Love that one.
It's not fair that we still
have to be in each other's lives.
I know.
But I also know the girls aren't
gonna let up until we make peace.
So what do you say
we change the tone a little bit
and both say something
nice about each other?
I'll go first.
Look at you.
There's no way around it.
You're a beautiful man.
- Thank you, JD.
- Now you go.
- I never agreed to that.
- Beautiful son of a bitch.
We need to stop seeing
each other as enemies.
Sean, you and I have
had sex with the same women.
Therefore, we're wiener cousins.
And where I come from,
this right here...
Stronger than family.
- That's ridiculous.
- Is it ridiculous, fellas?
Nurse Roberts.
Both of them. One night.
May she rest in peace.
Cuz?
I'm not hooking fingers.
It won't be official.
We touched, it counts.
I'm just putting an IV in, okay?
Sir?
Sir?
Are you okay?
One-nothing, Bobbo.
Good one.
Hold still.
Damn it, we're even.
That wasn't a vein, was it?
That's okay, sweetheart.
You're probably just nervous.
So why don't you go get a cup of
water to relax and we'll try it again.
Thanks. I'll be right back.
Take your time.
The Grapes of...
The Grapes of...
Wrath!
I'm so proud of you for
working things out with Sean.
What can I say?
He's my wiener cuz.
Kim and I are bajingo sisters.
- You always wanted one of those.
- I know!
There's Sammy.
It's okay. It's okay.
As a parent, you realize there
are things much more annoying
than your child crying in your ear.
Someday, he'll lie to your face.
Who placed that IV?
Another intern did it.
Or he'll relentlessly
pester you for a toy he wants.
You're gonna give me
that job or what?
He's a little sad.
Can you take him?
He never cries when Sean holds him.
Still, nothing really matters
as long as you know in your heart
that your child loves you the most.
Better, little man.
Bye, guys.
- What was that?
- Don't worry about it.
So Sam stopped crying the
second Sean picked him up, huh?
- It's harsh.
- I know.
JD was a little quiet last night.
But I'm proud of him,
he's really handling it well.
Your plan to sex up my old girlfriend
so you can turn my
baby boy against me is over.
Hey, buddy.
No, what's wrong?
What's wrong? It's okay.
How are you doing this?
Are you a sorcerer?
I heard you were hiring Dr. Turk
as the new Chief of Surgery.
- Told her the good news.
- It's not happening.
I have tried to communicate that message
to you every single way I know how
but you won't hear it.
Honestly, the only option I have
left is to concentrate really hard
and see if I can sh**t my actual
message right into your big bald head.
I know you don't want
to give me the job.
My god.
It worked. This is
a terrific day for science.
Time to call in the closer.
A word.
Why do you always have your
wife fight your battles for you?
I do.
Get him, woman.
- What are you doing?
- I'm doctoring my file.
- What are you doing?
- I'm making this special hat
in case Black Doctor
gets the Chief of Surgery job.
I need you to guard this door
while I take care of some business.
Why should I?
You know why.
The bond that can't be broken.
That was years ago, but...
I'll honor the code.
You seemed so happy in the
Bahamas. How come you left?
I thought it was a nude beach.
- It was a church, Bob.
- So?
Fine.
I'll go.
Hey, stop him!
It was time to go.
Oh, good.
Someone already gave him the sh*t.
Can I have that? I want to
put it on something I'm making.
- I don't think that's okay.
- It's a hat.
I'm gonna hang on to this.
See, he's fine now.
But when I get close.
Doesn't make any sense.
Unless of course someone is shocking
him by pressing a remote control button.
- What's that in your hand, Sean?
- Yogurt.
What's at the bottom of it?
You're clean.
- See what he did to my last yogurt?
- I know. Calm down.
And he said "good"
yesterday, I heard him.
You know what?
Give us a minute to talk. Come on.
What the hell are you doing?
I don't know.
Look, after my parents divorced,
my dad really wasn't around for me.
And I promised myself I was gonna
be a better father than he was.
Now, Sam cries like
I'm some kind of stranger.
And I like that Sean has
a relationship with him, I do.
- Thanks, man.
- I'm not talking to you, Sean.
You are a great dad.
Then why can't I hold him?
Hi, guys.
If you don't stop treating yourself,
I'm gonna have you strapped down.
Naughty.
And you...
Just give Turk the job already.
He's a natural leader.
Plus I'm about to spit out a second
kid, I could use the extra cash.
I knew damn sure you were gonna
go ahead and make this personal.
Am I supposed to give him a job
because you and I
are such good friends?
I wouldn't ask you if
I didn't know he was right for it.
Bob, who's the best all-around
surgeon in this place?
Turkleton, hands down.
Kiss more butt, Bob.
And you're giving me lip
for making this personal?
The only reason you're
not giving Turk this job
is because of your
personal feelings for him.
- That's just not true.
- Liar.
The Adventures of Huckleberry...
The Adventures of Huckleberry...
Don't puke on me, Bob.
Sorry. Just a burp.
I know you're just
trying to cheer me up.
No, trust me.
There have been times when I wanted
to tell people you're a terrible dad.
But you're not.
You spend tons of time with Sam,
call him every night
so he can hear your voice.
You write him all those stories
about unicorns. Seriously...
- How do you come up with so many?
- They just come to me.
- I got to get them out, you know?
- No, I don't know.
- They're magical.
- They're not.
Whatever is making Sam
cry, it's not about you.
It's about him. Babies are
sensitive to all kinds of things.
Bright lights,
temperature, new smells.
The Cologne I've been
wearing to try and punish Elliot!
Thanks for the shower
and the loaner clothes.
Look at that face. It's like
he got all of our best features.
No, he got your chin.
I'm having a moment.
Bob, would you please
close the back of that thing up?
Calm down, Perry.
It's for the ladies.
I'm sure they're grateful.
Why did you check yourself in to
the hospital for a glorified flu bug?
In my defense, I thought
I might also be dealing
with some issues
from eating raw starfish.
You know what I realized
when I was treating myself?
I miss being a doctor.
Now is your chance to get
back to the game there, big guy.
Am I wrong to not hire Gandhi?
I thought it was
gonna be something doctory.
- Of course you're wrong.
- He bothers me.
Everybody bothers you. Hell, you used
to bother me when I was the Chief
but I kept moving you up because
you were the best man for the job.
Now, the question is,
"Is Turkleton
the best man for the job?"
Some pretty good stitches
you got going there.
I used to be terrible at it,
but Dr. Turk made us practice with
oranges every day to get better.
Nice butt.
Thank you, darling.
Suck it, Perry.
Elliot came over later.
Even though it was better, I wouldn't
say the awkwardness was totally gone.
Weird flashback, like
the ghost of couples passed.
It's your house, It's your house.
It's so silly...
Ladies should sit.
That's kinda weird.
We're the guests.
The guests. The guests
will sit on the couch.
- That's where guests sit.
- Can I get you guys anything?
Wine, maybe?
- I'll have a yogurt.
- Don't start.
You know what we should do?
Sam's napping.
Let's watch this video
I've been making of him.
There are moments in your life that make
you realize what you've been missing.
Whether it's an old job...
Or the best person for a new job.
Congratulations.
You're the new Chief of Surgery.
- Say "Thank you".
- Thank you.
I told you. I told you, baby!
I told everyone. Climb!
I told everyone!
Hail to the Chief!
So there he is with
his little red wagon.
And that's my cousin's puppy.
As I sat there, enjoying
images from my son's young life,
I realized I was seeing these moments
the same way Sean and Elliot were.
For the first time.
But truth is,
no matter how hard I tried,
I was gonna miss a lot of them.
Because even the best
part-time father in the world...
is still a part-time father.
I think I'm gonna move here.
Great.
I'm not wearing that.
It's not up to you.
Fine.
It is kinda cool.
I want it back.
Too late!
Chief coming through!
Salute!
There it is!
I'll just wear my other one.