01x15 - Model Family

[bunniefuu]

"Once I wished
I was a duck...

"as mostly ducks
have lots of luck.

"They swim around
all day in a pool...

and mostly never
have to go to school."

[LAUGHTER]

Beaver, I think
that's very, very cute.

Hey, Beav, you still think
you'll get a prize for that?

Sure, Wally.

I'm the only kid in the third
grade who wrote a poem.

[MUSIC PLAYS]

So, how do you feel...

Ward and June handled
their family problem?

- They were too perfect.
- Too TV.

I agree with you, Mr. Matthews.

That's not like you.

In fact, you brought me
to today's assignment.

That's like you.

Back in
the prehistoric s...

when Cleavers
strode the earth...

The U.S. Census indicated
that a model American family...

had a mother, a father,
and two children.

Leftovers.

What are you talking about,
Mr. Matthews?

Well, last year
in fifth grade...

we divided up into families
and solved problems.

It's sixth grade now,
Mr. Feeny.

Families are yesterday's news.

Very well. This year, I shall
let you form into urban gangs.

Cool.

Each g*ng will have a mother,
a father, and two children.

You just love dangling...

that little string of hope
in front of us...

and yanking it away,
don't you?

I had a cat.

I bet it hung itself.

In this assignment...

each participant
will help the other...

to become...

an ideal family member.

For instance...

Mr. Hunter and Mr. Minkus
will be paired as brothers.

- Oh, no.
- oh, no.

Trust me. You are going
to enjoy this.

I know I shall.

Now, each of you will write
a profile of a model brother.

Then each of you must
become that brother.

[LAUGHING]

You mean Shawn has to act
exactly like I want him to?

That's correct, Mr. Minkus.

You're gonna be
Minkus' brother.

Nerd-o-rama.

I'd hate to be the guy
who had them for sons.

Funny you should say that,
Mr. Matthews...

or, as I like to call you...

Dad.

He's gonna be my father?

Yes!

And Miss Lawrence your mother.

No!

[THEME MUSIC PLAYING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Uh-oh.

Don't look at them.

OK.

It's a game.

They pretend not to notice.

They're very good
at this game.

But then I pretend
to not notice them not noticing.

Bottom line is,
nobody walks away from this.

You have a rich inner life.

One time,
wouldn't it be incredible...

I mean, truly incredible...

if a beautiful girl
came right up to me...

tapped me on
the shoulder and said...

"I've had my eye on you.

"You are unbelievably handsome.

"You wanna talk
for a few minutes?"

[SIGHS] Is that too much
of a thing to ask?

Excuse me.

I've had my eye on you.

Are you aware that you're
unbelievably handsome?

You missed.

I'm Alexis.

What's your name?

I used to know this.

[COUGHS]
Eric.

What?

[COUGHS]
Eric.

Eric.

Eric, Eric Matthews.

And I'm Jason.

I'm the guy
you want to talk to.

He was just standing in my spot
when the miracle occurred.

You...

stand right here.

Eric, have you
ever considered...

a career as
a professional model?

Would your hand
always be there?

I'll guide you the entire way.

I'm in.

I'll be at my booth.

Don't keep me Waiting.

Eric, take me with you.

Why would I do that?

Because I am your friend.
We have been friends...

since we were, like,
what, three years old.

You're gonna dump me for her?

You make a decision,
buddy, right now.

Choose me or her.

See ya.

"I am Topanga's
model husband."

[LAUGHS]

I'm sorry. I'm just flat-out
looking forward to this.

"I live my life
in harmony...

"with the physical
and metaphysical world...

"aligned with the Navajo
spiritual path."

Uh-huh. oK.

Um, I could do that.
I'd love to do that.

There's just
one little thing...

that might throw
this off just a smidge.

- What?
- I'm not a Navajo!

You don't have to be
a Native American...

to be in tune with nature.

Don't you hate it
when Mom and Dad fight?

No. Into it.

Well, we're not fighting long.

'Cause I got something here...

that'll take the fight
right out of Mom.

Read it and weep,
little big hair.

"My model wife won't care
how dirty my room gets."

Ha ha!

"She will always let me win
at video games.

"She will play street hockey
at any time, day or night."

Why don't you just marry Shawn?

'Cause our kids
would look like horses.

My turn. Here you go, bro.

Minkus, this is,
like, forty pages.

Since I have no siblings,
I spend many hours imagining...

what a younger brother Minkus
would act like.

Maybe something like this.

Don't hate me
because I'm beautiful.

He thought he felt her hot,
mossy breath on his eye.

He blinked. She was gone.

The b*ating of wings...

[WHISPERS] Obsession.

Get help.

Ahem. I was discovered today.

- You get discovered at the mall?
- How'd you know?

Did you pay $
to get photos taken?

Yeah, you can't model
without a portfolio.

You were scammed.

They get you to pay
all this money...

And then you never
hear from them.

Completely untrue.
It's not a scam.

Yeah, listen to Minkus, boys.
He's the smart one.

I, too, was discovered
at the mall.

Doh!

Eric, girls are gonna
dump you all your life...

so... get over it.

He got scammed at the mall.

Scammed? How?

Well, some girl told him
he was cute...

and he forked over
$ for modeling photos.

$ ?

$ ?

Can I speak with you
alone for a second?

No.

I would like to speak
with you outside.

I know you would,
but my anger...

would still be here
in the kitchen.

Alan...

[IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER]
I'll be back.

I know exactly what you
were gonna say to him.

No, you don't what I was
about to say to him.

Yes, you were gonna say...

"Eric, get your butt
down to that mall...

"and I don't want
to see you again...

"until you get
your money back! "

oK, what was he going to say?

I don't know.
He's more complex than you.

Anyway, the point is that we've
made mistakes with money.

Let him make his.

Honey, what are we
supposed to do...

just hang back, do nothing?

We are doing something.

We're trusting our child,
and if he makes a mistake...

he'll learn from it.

I have been a parent
for fifteen years...

and I think I know
a little better...

than to trust my own kids.

Look, guys,
I feel like a total jerk.

You shouldn't let me
manage my own money.

I'm going to the mall,
see if I can get it back.

Thanks for not
jumping on my case.

That's oK, honey.

I married you for your body.

Look at her,
that black widow spider.

I mean, she spun me
into a web of deceit...

and hung me there
like a dead fly.

She thinks
she can Lure me in...

with her angelic eyes
and swimsuit issue body.

Yeah, well, she can't.
I'm a rock on this.

Eric!

Please don't let me give her
any more of my money.

I'm glad you're back.

I bet you are.
Now, look. I want...

- A job?
- What?

I got a modeling job
for you here at the mall.

Oh, sure. What else
do I have to buy, huh?

More modeling classes?
How about a billboard...

a big billboard with
"Eric Matthews is an idiot"...

plastered all over
Philadelphia?

The job pays $ .
If they like you...

I can get you more
the next time.

You're serious?
This is a real modeling job?

Hey, either you want it
or your don't.

You're not the only
gorgeous guy...

with big hazel eyes
here at the mall.

Heh heh.
Actually, they're brown...

but kind of a hazely brown.

You know what the tough thing is
about being married?

Actually being married?

Yeah, that. And learning to be
the type of husband...

your wife wants you to be.

Were you going to say something,
sweetheart?

Heh. Not for the last
eighteen years, darling.

Hey, you get your money back?

Better than that.
I got a career.

Excuse me?

Look, Dad, we've spent a lot
of great times together...

and I'll never forget
how well you treated me.

Son, are we breaking up?

Well, actually,
I'm leaving my job at the store.

I got my first job as a model.
It's just the beginning for me.

I'm, uh, giving you
your apron back.

Thanks for taking it
so well, Dad.

"Don't do anything.

"Let him work it out
for himself."

Fabulous.

He Was supposed to realize
his own mistake.

No, no, don't even think
about it, sweetheart.

Sit back. Do nothing.

We've raised
the perfect teenage boy.

He's quite capable
of running his own life.

Alan... I'm letting you
out of your cage.

Thank you!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

ALAN: Eric. you are not
going to quit a steady job...

for one
modeling assignment.

I'm sure if you really
think this through...

you will realize that this is
not something you really want.

I've thought. I want.

When? When did you think...

in the ten seconds
since you got home?

That is not the way you make
an important decision...

that will change your life.

You want to make
an important decision?

You consider
every aspect of it.

And after you have thoroughly
thought this through...

then, and only then,
because I am confident...

in the way
you were brought up...

I will support you
in what you want to do.

I Want to be a supermodel.

Doh!

OK.

Really?

Really?

Yes, really.

I am not the type of father...

who dismisses his son's
well-considered aspirations...

with some quickly tossed-off
parental negativity.

That's it?

Shut up!

You are the greatest parents
in the world!

Dad, you're gonna let him
just walk away like that?

I just did, didn't I?

Yes, he did, and you know why?

Because your father has decided
to trust his children.

Look, Dad, I know something
about being a father.

And I know that this plan
of yours cannot possibly work.

If I ran my school family
like that, I'd get an "F '."

Don't you see Eric's
making a huge mistake?

Corey, let me tell you something
about being a father.

Um, it doesn't matter
if you see it or I see it.

It only matters
that he doesn't see it.

Well, in that case, can I spend
the night at Shawn's?

It's a school night.

Yeah, but I don't
see that, Dad.

Only you see that.

Well, do you see this?

You know, Dad, those aren't
very clear-cut rules.

Kind of a double
standard going on.

If you keep changing
the rules...

how am I gonna learn
how to be a model father?

Ask your wife.

So, this family's crisis...

the older, cooler brother
wants to get a tattoo.

Conflicts abound.

Take it away,
younger, uncool brother.

I can't fathom
why any human being...

in full possession
of his faculties...

would want to render himself
permanently d*sfigured...

with so-called "body art. "

Whoa.

What?

I'm such a good geek
I scared myself.

Listen, pinhead, it's my body.

And I'll do whatever
I want with it...

unless maybe you'd like
to try and stop me...

you woodchuck faced,
nearsighted...

underweight,
future I.R.S. auditor.

Mr. Minkus,
I might remind you...

that eventually
the bell will ring...

and he will be he,
and you will be you...

and natural selection
will once again rule...

the blackboard jungle.

Will five cover it?

Hey, talk some more.

OK, you live under our roof.

We make the decisions.
No tattoo.

Tattoo, you, no.

A person's body is his temple.

If our son Wants to ornament
his temple With a tattoo...

let him worship
in his own way.

Nam myo ho renge kyo.

You are so bizarre!

I've decided, without benefit
of discussion with my spouse...

because that's the kind of
husband I know you'll be...

the tattoo will have to wait.

Whoa.

Cool.

Stuart, a tattoo.

It speaks to me.

Minkus, what's the deal?

We agreed on no tattoo.

Mr. Feeny's assignment was
to solve a family problem...

and I decided
to solve it my way.

Well, actually, his way.

Minkus...

you've got a dark side.

It speaks to me.

Let's not go overboard.
It's just a press-on.

Great.

Thanks for screwing up
the assignment.

On the contrary, Mr. Matthews.

Mr. Minkus didn't screw up
the assignment at all.

Yeah, but we had
our family discussion...

all planned out,
and he messed it up.

He broke the rules.

Which is exactly what happens
in real families.

There is no model household.

There are no model parents.

I think the only way
you can judge a family...

is by how much love
there is in the home.

Excellent point,
Miss Lawrence.

A family is a living,
breathing thing...

that requires constant
adjustment and change.

But Beaver's dad
never changed.

You always knew
what he was gonna say.

Beaver's dad Wasn't real.
Real fathers have to adapt.

Real fathers
don't have a script...

like Beaver's father did.

I guess it's easy
to sound smart...

when you've got the best writers
in Hollywood...

writing everything you say.

I Wouldn't know.

Hi. I'm Eric Matthews.

I believe you'll be
taking pictures of me.

[GIGGLES]
Because he's a model.

And we're the babes
who hang out with him.

Because he's a model.

And who are you?

I'm the happy sidekick.

Come on, Matthews.

They're waiting for you
in wardrobe.

Wardrobe... industry term
for clothes.

Excuse me.

Look, my sh**t starts at : .

Make sure these girls are here.

I want them to see me
in all my glory.

I quit!

You can't quit.

You signed a contract.

Do you have any idea
what it's like...

to dress up
in a humiliating outfit...

and have people gawk at you
like you're less than human?

Been there. Done that.

Welcome to the world
of big-time modeling.

What are you looking at?

Oh!

Cory!

Cory, that lobster over there
seems to know you.

Boy, what kind
of idiot would wear...

one of these getups
at the mall?

ERIC : Come here!

Apparently Eric.

Eric, this may come
as somewhat of a shock...

but you're a lobster, dude.

Look, Jason and I invited
girls here to watch me model.

Well, I hope they bring
a side of slaw.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You have to get rid of them!

Jason!

Hey, come to see your brother
up in lights, too, huh?

Yeah, but he had to leave.

Why? What happened?

Uh, he's not feeling well.

Yeah, he's a little
under the water.

- Weather.
- Yeah.

Wow, how weird.

He was fine a few hours ago.

So, I guess you want
to just take the girls...

and get out of here
immediately, right?

MAN ON P.A.:
Is anyone hungry?

Shoppers.
now's your chance to win...

a free Lobster dinner
from Larry's Lobster Locker!

Oh...

oh, lobster.

Win us a lobster.

ALL you have to do
to win a free meaL...

is knock Larry the Lobster
into the giant tub of butter.

Eric! My brother Eric!

That's my brother Eric!

Oh, check it out.

Oh, he's a lobster.

SECOND GIRL:
How embarrassing for him.

Maybe we should be sensitive
and understanding.

Then We Wouldn't be us.

- Dunk him.
- Dunk him.

Hey, come on.
Don't throw that, Jason.

We've been best friends
since we were three years old.

Who are you gonna listen to...

some girls you don't
even know or me?

See ya.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Ahem. Welcome
to Market Giant, sir.

Here on aisle one...

you'll find our sugar,
flour, and iodized salt.

Over here on aisle two,
you'll find our cereals...

rice, and freeze-dried coffees.

Do your items
need bagging, sir?

Here, let me help you
quickly and efficiently.

I know that cans
go on the bottom...

durable boxes on top
of that...

oK, oK, oK.
I get it.

You're the best former
box boy that ever lived.

Well, thanks, Dad.
You know...

it takes talent
to notice talent.

Are you asking
for your job back?

Uh, yes, but asking
is just my opening offer.

I'm prepared for begging...

and authorized to go
as high as groveling.

Eric, that position is filled.

You hired someone else?

Dad hired someone else.

Did you grovel?

How could you do that, Dad?

I'm the store manager.
It's kind of my job.

You got to give me
my job back, Dad.

Eric, I can't fire somebody...

just because you suddenly
want to come back.

Dad, do you remember
when I was little...

and we used to play
Monopoly...

and I'd roll the dice
and land on Boardwalk...

- while you had a hotel on it?
- Yeah.

Well, you called a misroll
and you let me roll again.

Yeah.

Well, Dad,
this modeling thing...

I... I misrolled.

Yeah, but...

you're not little anymore.

You wanted to make
your own decisions...

live your own life.
I let you.

I know, but come on, Dad.
Just for old time's sake?

Can't I be little again?

Eric, I'm not always gonna be
there to give you another roll.

I know, but you're here now.

I mean, you're my father.
You're supposed to help me.

Can I have my job back, please?

No.

But we could use some help
on the weekend night shift.

My old job?

Goodbye, Friday
and Saturday nights.

What's the difference?

After those two girls
tell all the other girls...

about your secret life
as a lobster...

do you think
you'll ever date again?

I'll take the job.

Ooh, you're good.

Oh, you think so, huh?

Yeah, because when
you're a good father...

like you and me...

you realize
that once in a while...

kids do stupid things
like become a lobster...

or get a tattoo.

But a family's a living,
breathing thing.

And you didn't
let that throw you.

Did you get a tattoo?

- Hmm?
- What?

Did you get a tattoo?
Because if you got a tattoo...

You are not gonna be a living,
breathing thing. Where is it?

- You're missing the point, Dad!
- Where's the tattoo?

[GRUNTING]

So you teach modeling, huh?

Mm-hmm.

And you probably sell
the pictures...

a guy would need
for his portfolio, too?

Mm-hmm.

And that would run in the range
of what, ninety bucks?

Are you lost?

No. See, I saw your
modeling pictures up here...

and I was wondering...

If I'm the type of guy
you're looking for.

Not interested.

How come
you're not interested?

Do you have $ ?

See ya