05x10 - Girls on the Side

[bunniefuu]

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Hey.

Why are you leaving so early?

Any later, and Uber surges so high that

I’ve already spent my day’s salary.

Take the ferry. It’s free.

There’s a reason for that.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC]

Are you scared of Ma?

Don’t...

Don’t be absurd, Enzo.

I just need to get to work.

[SOFT CHUCKLE] Oh, yeah.

[LAUGHS]

Shh.

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

Oh, let me look at you.

- Oh.
- Nice, nice.

You have a big job, no?

Well, head of marketing at a
top-tier publishing house, so.

Come for supper this weekend.
The whole family will be here.

We want to know everything
about the woman

who’s spending so much
time with our Enzo.

- Hm.
- Do you cook?

Of course, I love to cook.

Wonderful!

Then make a dish.

Yeah.

Eh.

Arrivederci.

[CARLY SIMON’S "LET THE RIVER RUN"]

[SIGHS]

♪ Let the river run ♪

♪ Let all the dreamers ♪

♪ Wake the nation ♪

♪ Come, the New Jerusalem. ♪

♪ ♪

Oh, no peeking.

Josh says to wait until
tonight’s launch party.

But I brought coffee. No fair.

Well, life’s not fair, flamingo.

Surely you know that by now.

Wait, Kelsey got to see the
renovation, and I don’t?

I’m his roommate.

- Yeah, well I’m his...
- What?

- Forget it.
- [SOFT LAUGH]

Josh has totally transformed Inkburg.

It’s like he signed that ten-year lease

and he’s just older and more mature.

He still really wants to impress you.

I’ve been impressed with
Josh since the day I met him.

Think there could ever be
a thing between you guys again?

You know I’m in a thing
with someone else.

- And...
- [SIGHS]

Do you mind keeping Charles and me

to yourself for now?

Did Charles want you to ask me that?

No. It’s a powder keg at work, and I...

As far as I know,
there’s no relationship.

Right. No relationship.

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

And in chapter ,

where you got fired
from your first job,

that should be chapter one.

Well, "Claw" is not an autobiography.

It’s a call to arms.

Well, it can be both.

You wouldn’t invest in a business

without doing your due diligence.

Readers are the same way;
they want to know who you are

before they buy what you’re selling.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

How is everything going?

It’s, um, it’s interesting.

I’m used to being the one giving
the notes, not getting them.

But they’re good.

Our best and brightest.

So welcome aboard, Quinn.

We are, uh, excited to have you here.

- Thank you.
- I’ll leave you to it.

[INHALES] We need another chapter

about the dating double standard
applied to successful women.

Oh, I can’t imagine you
have trouble dating.

Okay, so as men get more
successful, the pool expands.

And for women, let’s
just say it’s a paradox.

[SOFT INHALE] Is Charles
dating anybody?

♪ ♪

Uh, nothing that he’s
been public about.

Mm-mm. Very single.

- As far as we know.
- Which we don’t know, for sure.

Oh, but, officially,

single’s the word.

[SOFT LAUGH] Okay.

Well, um, I’m gonna dash downtown.

I gotta give some advice to my friends

at the Federal Reserve.

Oh. That sounds interesting.

Yeah, only if you’ve
never met them before.

[PENSIVE ROCK MUSIC]

Wow, you laid that on
a little thick there.

Okay, well, I’m just
doing what you told me to.

- I know, but she...
- Come on.

I can only keep so many
secrets for you, Liza.

♪ ♪

Hey. Leave the door open.

You got it.

I’m glad you stopped by.

Quinn came in after the meeting

to say how impressed she
was with the two of you.

Mm, I doubt that’s the only reason why.

You don’t have to sit and
look like you’re taking notes.

I’m not. I’m doodling.

- Oh.
- He’s got sunglasses.

I, um, I think Quinn
has a little crush.

- What?
- She asked about you.

What did you say?

I couldn’t say anything.

Next time it comes up, tell her that

divorced moms from Jersey
are more my style.

What do you think about

getting out of the
city for the weekend?

I would love to,

but I’ve been invited to

a conference in Sun Valley.

Oh.

That’s so cool. What’s it for?

Uh, do you have to make
a presentation or...

No, they’re not too
interested in hearing from

old media these days.

Okay.

Well, um, well, enjoy your weekend.

I can’t kiss you good-bye, so,

just...

[KISSES]

[SOFTLY] Notes?

Here you go.

- Thank you.
- Welcome.

Diana, hi.

I was... I was just giving

Charles some thoughts on Sun Valley.

What thoughts could you possibly have?

Charles, I just emailed
you talking points.

Smile, and don’t suffer
through every photo,

especially with Bezos and Cook...

but not Zuckerberg, he’s taken enough.

From all of us.

[SOFT LAUGH]

Oh, um, from one of my girls.

Lovely.

Such large lips. Must be Nicole.

[PLAYFUL UPBEAT MUSIC]

Liza.

♪ ♪

Call Sant Ambroeus. I need
a knockout Italian dish.

And put it in one of those
casserole containers

so it looks homemade.

Enzo’s mother invited
me to a family potluck,

and she will be judging me

with all of her unibrow.

Oh, well, Maggie could help.

Her lasagna is legendary.

The first time I ate it, I cried.

Crying is good.

Inducing a major cardiac
event would be better.

- Call Maggie.
- Okey-dokey.

[UPBEAT JAZZY MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[INDISTINCT CHATTER]

[SOFT LAUGH]

- Wowzers.
- Jeez Louise.

I know, it’s so much better

than that man cave cr*ck
den that it was before.

Oh, yeah, it never felt safe to sit.

Oh, no, I used to come down here

and just wet-wipe everything.

- Smart.
- Yeah.

Where’s the man of the hour?

Over there by face tat.

- BOTH: Ugh.
- Josh?

- Hey.
- Hi!

Oh, my gosh.

- You made it.
- I wouldn’t have missed it.

This is incredible. How
did you do all this?

Oh, it, uh, took a little bit of time,

but you wouldn’t know that

’cause you haven’t really been around.

Uh, hey, uh, this is... this is Skye.

- Hey.
- She’s another tattoo artist.

She specializes in do-overs.

Oh, like tattoo removal?

More like repurposing.

I redesign regret.

Ah.

Have any tattoos, Liza?

I do, but none that I regret.

Yeah, I got one for
her; she got one for me.

It was supposed to be
for her birth year,

but we, uh, got the
details a little fuzzy.

Yeah. Still tells a story, right?

- It does.
- I love the line work.

- Thanks.
- Did they use a ten coil?

Uh, she’s a , actually.

Gorgeous. How long did this take?

I don’t know, she blasted
through it in like minutes.

- Wow, that’s incredible.
- Yeah.

- [GLASS CLINKING]
- Excuse me, everyone.

- Uh, can I get your attention?
- Here we go.

Thank you.

Uh, okay, so five years ago,

a cute little bumpkin from
Fairmont, West Virginia

rented this, to be frank,
shitty tattoo shop.

- [LAUGHTER]
- Hey.

And five years later,
it has turned into

a Williamsburg institution.

Yeah, Josh won’t tell you

that he’s been on the cover of

magazines in, like, seven countries.

And Josh won’t tell you that

he has tattooed Kelly
Slater and Demi Lovato...

[WHISPERS] Stop!

He will just humbly and skillfully

and with his big, romantic
heart just transform people.

And now places.

To Inkburg . .

Mazel Josh. We love you, dude.

- To Josh!
- ALL: To Josh!

Thank you, everyone,
for coming out tonight.

Uh. [SIGHS]

I just want to acknowledge one person

in particular, who, uh,

really showed up for me.

[GENTLE MUSIC]

I was ready to walk away from all this.

Uh, she inspired me

to not give up, so

thank you, Liza.

♪ ♪

All right, let’s break this place in!

- Drinks are on me.
- [SCATTERED CHEERS]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Whoa, Caitlin?

Caitlin?

- Oh.
- Hi.

- Hi, Mom. [SOFT LAUGH]
- How did you...

I, uh, I probably should have told you,

- but we wanted to surprise you.
- Yeah.

Oh... you two know how
I hate surprises.

But this is a nice one.

I’m glad that you two are in touch.

Well, we know... we follow
each other on Instagram.

And all the way to the
city for this party.

- That’s a big effort.
- Um.

Well, I’m also here for a wedding,

um, I’m invited to with a friend.

Oh, that sounds fun.

Cool. Where is she?

Uh, "he."

Over there.

♪ ♪

Oh, the skater kid? He’s cute.

[LAUGHS] No, not him.

Uh, him.

[PLAYFUL MUSIC]

Babe. Babe, uh,

this is... this is Josh.

This is his place.

Josh, congratulations. I’m Greg.

What’s up, Greg?

And I’m the mom.

I’m... I’m Caitlin’s mom. I’m Liza.

Oh, uh, wow, it’s really
nice to meet you.

- I’ve heard so much about you.
- Really?

♪ ♪

Will you excuse us for just a minute?

Now I know why you wanted
to keep this a secret.

Are you serious?

I wouldn’t introduce you to

someone I’m not serious about.

- He is your father’s age.
- No.

Greg’s younger than Dad. I checked.

Well, he is still too old for you.

Mom, stop. Look where we are.

I mean, whose place is this?
Talk about glass houses.

I thought you’d be cool with this.

Okay.

Can we... can we start over?

Can we all get together this weekend?

Sure. Let’s do brunch.

I’ll invite Josh too, unless
that’s weird for you?

No. It’s not weird at all.

[ROUSING ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

But that is.

[PUNCHY ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

So, um, [STAMMERS]
how did you two meet?

Um, on campus.

What are you studying, Greg?

Um, well, teaching, actually.

I’m an English professor.

Well, not my English professor.

[SOFT LAUGH] Anymore.

Uh, once we started,
I switched classes.

- [SIGHS]
- Mm.

No, we severed our
academic relationship

to allow for a romantic one.

[SOFT LAUGH]

[SLURPING]

- Ready for a refill?
- Mm.

Bottomless Bloody Marys, right?

[SOFT LAUGH] Oh, yeah. Let’s
get our two-hours’ worth.

- Let’s keep going.
- Fill ’em up!

- Mm-hmm.
- I love brunch!

So,

Vassar’s totally cool with

teachers dating students or what?

Uh, well, we, um,

we keep it very private on campus.

So it’s a secret?

Just for now.

Or at least until I get tenure.

[SOFT CHUCKLE]

[PLAYFUL ROCK MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Ah, benvenuta, Diana.

You brought a dish.

That was the assignment.

Lasagna alla Bolognese.

Grazie mille.

[EXHALES]

[KISSES] Come.

Diana, this is the family.

Antonio and Valentina.

Mia, Claudia,

Paolo, Paula,

Giovanni, Nicoletta,

Sandro, and little Roberto.

Little Roberto. Okay.

No pop quiz. Promise.

And so, where do you fit in

with this beautiful brood?

He’s our baby brother.

And he ain’t leaving the nest.

- [SOFT LAUGHTER]
- Ah.

Diana, you look familiar.

- Have we met before?
- I don’t...

Have you ever played cards
at the South Shore Country Club?

Definitely not.

- I tried your lasagna.
- And?

- Come help me in the kitchen.
- Oh.

Just... just take the purse.

[PLAYFUL ITALIAN MUSIC]

Okay.

So,

let’s start with the eels.

Usually my fish monger would peel them.

[STAMMERS] Peel?

Um, these are alive.

But chilled.

That keeps their hearts b*ating slow.

One whack will fix that.

♪ ♪

[TSKS]

♪ ♪

[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ ♪

[HAMMER CLACKS]

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

Well, thanks for buying us brunch, Mom.

Hey, what kind of parent would I be

if I didn’t look after my little girl?

We should, uh,
probably get out of here.

Yeah. Okay, have fun
at the wedding tonight, sweetie.

- Nice meeting you.
- Don’t get any ideas.

- Ow, ow... okay.
- Yep. Mm-hmm.

- Bye.
- It was great meeting you.

- Yes.
- Bye, babe.

- BOTH: Bye.
- Yes.

Yes, yes, yes...

She’s living her life to t*rture me.

You should really try
to shut that one down.

Oh... I wish parenting worked that way.

She’s just gonna do what she wants.

If I try to shut it down,
she’ll just shut me out.

Yeah, but you could try, at least.

Yeah, but then...
and then I’d be a hypocrite.

- [SIGHS]
- Why?

Because I’ve, um,

I’ve been doing the same thing at work

with, um, Charles.

What?

I thought that deal was over?

Not quite.

Oh, uh, so it’s
been going on this whole time?

Behind my back when we were together?

- Behind his wife’s back when...
- No.

This time is different.

We’re being honest with each other.

And I wanted to tell you sooner.

Because I’m trying to be more real.

Real? You’re trying to be real?

You don’t even know
what real is anymore.

And anything that
you think that you have

with Charles right now,

that’s not real.

How can it be when you’re
sneaking behind everyone’s back?

I was honest about everything
when we were together.

I told everyone about it.

I mean, I wore my heart
on my sleeve for you.

I mean, I literally got it
tattooed on me.

"Real."

[DRAMATIC POP MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- What’s the matter?
- Are you okay?

Brunch with Caitlin’
way-too-older man was bad,

but the walk home with Josh was worse.

[SIGHS]

What? What is it?

Well, they say
bad things come in threes.

This was on Quinn Tyler’s
Instagram story today.

We are at Allen and Company’s
conference in Sun Valley,

and I have walked out of
yet another boring presentation

on the end of privacy.

[WHISPERS] And I brought a hostage.

I do not approve this message.

[LAUGHS]

[SOMBER ROCK MUSIC]

Maybe I did too good of a job
covering for you.

I’m so sorry.

♪ ♪

[PLAYFUL ITALIAN MUSIC]

Diana, mix the Parmigiano
in the risotto...

oh, Madonna, not so much.

And the basil.

Okay, andiamo, andiamo.

Andiamo! Andiamo! Let’s eat!

Bravo!

- Prego, prego.
- [ALL TALKING]

No sweat. Well, a little sweat.

Told you she was something, huh, Ma?

Eh.

Oh, we forgot the eel spaghettini.

I’m up. I’ll get it.

Don’t forget to garnish.

It looks awesome, Ma.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

[SOFT CHUCKLE]

Eel spaghettini.

[SOFT CHUCKLE]

You garnished it with cheese.

It is pasta.

It is eel!

Who puts cheese on seafood?

- Ma, it doesn’t matter.
- Oh, Madonna.

She may be smart in the business,

but she’s a dummy in the kitchen.

Okay. I’m done.

I am too old to fight.

- Dian...
- [SOFT CHUCKLE] Yeah.

You’re too old.

You’re an old lady who can’t cook.

Ma! Diana, don’t listen to her.

You didn’t make that lasagna.

And you’re not right for my son!

You’re not Italian.

He’s a hardworking man,
and he needs a woman

who can take care of him,
and it’s not you!

You are the reason Enzo is single.

You push every woman away.

I am not gonna waste my time

trying to impress a mother
who has held her son hostage

his entire life.

Torment the next woman who comes along.

Ciao a tutti.

[DRAMATIC ORCHESTRAL MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[FERRY RUMBLING SOFTLY]

Hey.

How’d you know I’d take the ferry?

Wild guess.

And you’ve been humming
"Let the River Run" all week.

I’m sorry, Diana.

Ma shouldn’t have said those things.

She’s a lot.

No, your brother’s cologne was a lot.

Your mother was too much.

What can I say? I like strong women.

Enzo, we were foolish
to think this would work out.

We’re from two different worlds.

Yes, we are.

Which is why I’m moving to yours.

Oh, no, no, no,
you’re not moving in with me.

I tried that before.
Believe me, it doesn’t end well.

A parrot d*ed.

No. I’m getting my own apartment.

In Manhattan.

You were right. It’s time.

Give me a chance, please.

Yeah, I have a crazy family,

and I might be a late bloomer,

but I got a lot to give.

[ROUSING ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

[SOFT R&B MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- [KEYS CLACKING]
- _

_

[SNIFFS]

- [KEYS CLACKING]
- _

Sambuca. Just in case we get crazy.

Ugh, I already feel crazy.

What if Charles and I
are just a fantasy?

And the reality is this,
me on the outside looking in,

not even a part
of my own relationship...

if this even is a relationship.

I hate seeing you reduced
to someone’s sidepiece.

You deserve better than that.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

- Hey.
- Hey.

- What happened to the wedding?
- Oh, Mom, it was so boring.

Everyone was old, and no one danced.

[CRYING] He told me to leave.

- What? Why?
- I’ll k*ll him.

Another faculty member
from Vassar was there.

We were gonna get busted, and...

You know, I’m just so tired
of sneaking around campus,

and I thought New York
would be different.

[TSKS]

Sweetie, I’m so sorry.

You deserve better than that.

We both do.

[SOFT DRAMATIC MUSIC]

Caitlin, it’s time
I told you something.

I knew we needed that Sambuca.

I have been
secretly dating someone too.

My boss.

Your boss? Where?

Maggie said you were a task rabbit.

- What’s a task rabbit?
- I... I panicked, okay?

But I’m not the one on trial here.

The truth is
is that I’m back in publishing.

Oh, well, why didn’t you just say that?

But I had trouble getting a job,

so I lied about my age.

Okay. How old do they think you are?

.

[LAUGHS]

You’re messing with me?

Um, I’m not.

Uh, have they seen you in daylight?

Look, I’ve been wanting to tell you,

- but...
- She didn’t want to burden you.

Plus, she thought you’d blab.

Right.

Honey, I can’t
tell you what to do about Greg,

but I can tell you
from my own experience

that it’s better to be in
an open and honest relationship.

[GENTLE ACOUSTIC MUSIC]

We accept the love we think we deserve.

And you deserve much more than this.

♪ ♪

[SUBWAY CARS RUMBLING]

[SOMBER MUSIC]

Last call to keep it.

It’s such a pretty dragon to do-over.

No, I’m done with it.

[BUZZING]

♪ ♪

[UPBEAT ELECTRONIC MUSIC]

♪ ♪

- Hey.
- Hi.

I missed you.

Me too.

But it looked like you
had fun in Sun Valley though.

I, uh, saw you on Quinn’s Instagram.

I ran into her.

Wha... wait. Do you think...

I... I don’t know what
to think. I mean, I...

I barely heard from you all weekend,

and you clearly spent a
lot of time with her.

It was entirely business-related.

She was flirting with you.

She wasn’t flirting with me.

She is flirting with making
an investment in the company.

That’s what we were talking
about in Sun Valley.

What? What? That’s amazing.

You could have told me that.

After what happened with Kelsey,

I’m trying to keep
work and us separate.

And I thought that we agreed
that we would keep us

quiet for now.

♪ Why do I always... ♪

I know. I know we did.

But I... [INHALES]

I just spent the weekend
telling my daughter

not to be some guy’s secret.

I don’t want to be in a relationship

I can’t be open about.

I understand.

But now is just not the right time.

♪ Was it all for her? ♪

Call me when it is.

♪ I wished it for me ♪

[PALE HONEY’S "WHY DO I
ALWAYS FEEL THIS WAY"]

♪ Will I never learn? ♪

♪ Why you’re not for me ♪