02x14 - I Am Not a Crook

[bunniefuu]

- Football?
- No, no. Pain. Cleats on face.

- Modern dance?
- No. Lotta girls. Tights. No.

- Drama club?
- No. Lotta guys. Tights. No.

- That's the list, Cor.
- None of these are me, Shawn.

I mean, here I am, going into
my eighth year of public education,

- and who am I, really?
- You're you. You're Cory Matthews.

Yeah, but there's no
Cory Matthews club on here,

there's no club for ordinary guys
who don't know who they are

- and aren't great at anything.
- So start one.

- Oh, I probably wouldn't get in.
- (bell rings)

Cory, you got a lot of good qualities.

- Hey, you're honest, loyal and decent.
- Housebroken, too.

I'm a stinkin' beagle.

All right, people,
this just off the wire.

Elections for next year's eighth-grade
class president will be held next week.

(as if sneezing) Who cares?

(as if coughing) Detention!

Sorry!

Too many people whine and moan
about the way things run around here.

Well, this is a chance to change things
by getting involved.

But remember,
this is a student election...

(students)...it's not a popularity contest.

I think we've been spending
a little too much time together.

The point is, your class president doesn't
need to be a quarterback or a cheerleader.

You'll be much better off with someone
who's honest, loyal and decent.

- Cory, that's you.
- What?

You wanted to know who you were.
You could be president.

- Come on.
- All right, let's have some nominations.

I got somebody good.
I nominate me.

Your humility is impressive, Meese,
but someone else has to nominate you.

- Topanga, how about it?
- No, go away, and don't look at me.

Come on,
Meese here has the guts to run.

Someone should have the guts
to nominate him.

All right, big deal.
I'll nominate him.

What are you doing?
That's your competition.

- I'm not running.
- Anybody else?

The great state of Shawn nominates
the people's choice... Cory Matthews.

- No!
- No!

He's not gonna settle for
second-rate leadership.

Matthews, you've been nominated.
Do you accept?

- No way.
- No way would he turn down a chance

to serve his fellow students.

What are you, his handler?

- Yes, I am.
- No, he's not.

Look, I don't know anything
about being president, OK?

I wouldn't have a clue.
I'm not somebody special.

I'm just an average guy like all of you,
the simple, hard-working...

students who struggle day after day
with too much homework, unfair teachers,

and an antiquated justice system
that relies too much on detention.

And if elected...
if I win and you guys vote for me...

I would say to each and every one of you,
"Hey, thanks!"

(Shawn) You got something, man.
You could really win this.

Yeah, but Shawn, there are like
kids in our grade,

and I don't even know most of them.

That's why we have to take your message
from the lunchrooms to the bathrooms,

from the halls to the stalls.
We have to tell everybody who you are!

- But I'm not anybody.
- Say it again.

- I'm not anybody.
- That's what they like.

You're not some handsome,
smart, popular guy.

You're not cool.

- You're not even halfway...
- Hey! I got it.

Thank you.
You're on my side, right?

There is no other side.

I'm gonna put together a campaign
like this school has never seen,

an unstoppable tidal wave,
gathering snow, blazing through the sky,

crushing everything in its beak.

You're getting off on this,
aren't you?

I gotta say I am.

This is Cory Matthews'
campaign commercial, directed by me.

The following is paid for by Citizens
to Elect Cory, which so far is... just me.

(Shawn) Action!

Cory Matthews...

loyal,

honest,

decent,

a leader who dares to say...

Hey, I'm average.

Why, hello there, young lady.
And what do you think of me?

Hi, Cory.
Tell me how you plan to make this school

a more effective institution
for the entire student body.

Well, that's a very...
Shawn!

(Shawn) Cut!

Topanga, could you please just read
what I wrote out for you?

Yeah, like I'm gonna say,
"Cory's cute and cuddly.

That's what's important
to me as a girl."

- What?
- This is not how I think.

This is not how any girl thinks.

And there's no "m" in "cuddly."

Topanga, please,
Shawn knows what he's doing.

- No. No, I don't.
- What?

Really. She's right.

I should have been more sensitive
to our female brothers.

Tell you what.
These... these are gone.

I want you to say
whatever you think needs to be said

as a human being
who just happens to be female.

- Apology accepted.
- Before you start, could you wet your lips?

You are so sleazy.

What?

What?

(Shawn) OK. The idea here is that you
and your brother share a common bond -

brotherhood.
We want to show that to the voters.

So basically you just want to see me
being an older brother.

There you go.
OK, action!

- (Eric) Hey, Cor!
- Hey, there, older brother.

You know, Cor,
I was just sitting here thinking,

what makes my little brother special?

What sets him apart from the other
seventh-grade candidates?

Is it his allergy to scallops?

Eric.

- Is it his Scooby-Doo thermos?
- Where'd you find that?

No, I think it's his fuzzy bunny pajamas
with the cottontail.

I haven't worn these for years, I swear.

Boinky, boinky, boinky.
Vote for me! Vote for me!

- Boinky, boinky, boinky...
- (Shawn) Cut!

Oh! Hey, guys, whatcha doin'?

- Cut!
- Campaign commercial.

- Is this your script?
- No, no, n...

"It's morning at Cory's house
and Cory's having pizza for breakfast.

"Yes, Cory does pretty much
whatever he wants.

Why? Because his parents are dead."

Shawn wrote it.

- Mrs. Matthews, I could lie to you.
- Oh, why stop now?

Our research shows that parents
are not thought of as cool,

so if we can position Cory as being
"on his own," individual, independent,

we increase his level of cool.

And, Cor, how cool do you feel
about the recent demise of your parents?

It's just temporary, Mom.
I mean, as soon as I'm elected,

you and Dad will be found living
amongst the bears in the Oregon woods.

OK.

Mr. McGruder, I don't care to hear
what your little brother tore up

or what your dog ate.

I want your paper on my desk
by first bell tomorrow or else.

- You'll give me an F.
- I'll give you a G.

As in, "Gee, if I'd just
done my work on time,

I wouldn't be the only -year-old
in the th grade."

Ta-ta.

- He's not human.
- You want him gone?

- Can you do that?
- Cory can.

If he's elected, Feeny's gone.

You can do that?

If that's what you want,
that's what Cory will do.

Spread the word.

Shawn, I want to win too,
but in what part of your diseased mind

does the eighth-grade class president
get to fire the principal?

Cory, come on.
It's just a campaign promise.

It's what you say to get elected.

Now, repeat after me.
Give the people what they want.

Yeah, but I...

Give the people what they want...

(mumbles) Give the people
what they want.

And if teachers get paid for teaching,
then students should get paid for learning.

(all) Yeah!

And this homework thing...
what is that about?

If they can't teach enough
during school hours,

- why is that our problem?
- (all) Yeah!

- This guy may be cheesier than we are.
- What do we do?

We break out the heavy cheese.

Let me tell you something, my friends.

How can you believe anything
this guy says?

He's got straight A's.

He's been making you
look dumb for years.

Can you really trust this...
this curve breaker?

- Curve breaker!
- (all) Curve breaker! Curve breaker!

Curve breaker! Curve...!

Talk to 'em, Cory.
Tell 'em what they want to hear.

Curve breaker!
Curve breaker!

My fellow students,

there are many challenging issues
which currently face John Adams High,

issues that seemingly have no solutions...

And I say there'd be fewer problems
if we spent less time here.

I mean, what's the deal with this
five-day school week?

I don't know about you guys,
but I'm pretty much sh*t by Wednesday,

so let's end the week there.

If I'm president, Thursdays and Fridays
are part of the weekend.

(all) Yeah!

- Mondays are optional.
- Yeah!

- Tuesdays, come in prepared to learn.
- Yeah!

We are the future!

Hey, you can't make
five-day weekends.

Yeah, well, you can't pay kids
for going to school.

- Are you questioning my integrity?
- Yeah, we are.

Well, I question yours,
and I have proof. Nobody move.

Shawn, he doesn't have
anything on us, does he?

No, it's a bluff. It's gotta be.

Listen, man, a lot of weird stuff
goes on in the trailer park.

When do you step in
and teach them the democratic process?

If Matthews wins, Tuesday.

Mr. Turner, all I'm hearing
from your little election

are ridiculous promises
and character assassination.

Too much like the real thing, George?

Yes, but don't we aspire
for their generation to do better?

Yeah, we do.
But we can't just tell them what to do.

They have to learn for themselves.

So you believe in letting them
make their own mistakes?

Yeah, I do.
I don't think that's a bad way to go.

Nor I. In fact,
I have that philosophy

toward a certain young teacher
that I know.

What, you mean me?

Voters and voterettes,

this poor, exploited young woman
is named Paula,

and she has a sordid story to tell.

Go ahead, Paula.
Tell them what you told me.

I was in third grade
with Shawn Hunter.

One day, he and I were standing
near the monkey bars, and...

I can't go on.

Go ahead, Paula.
Be strong.

Well, Shawn said that...
that all girls...

- ...were icky!
- (students gasp)

Oh, God, come on.
I never said that.

You wrote it on my notebook.
"All girls are icky."

Give me a break.
I was only eight.

I didn't like girls then,
but I love them now.

- So you changed your mind?
- Of course.

- Flip-flop.
- What?

Flip-flop.
He changes his mind about girls.

Who knows what he's gonna
change his mind about next?

- Flip-flopper.
- (students) Flip-flopper! Flip-flopper!

- (all) Flip-flopper...
- Wait a minute!

Wait, wait, wait.
Shawn's not even running here.

- But he represents you, doesn't he?
- I sure do.

Then Cory, are you prepared
to drop out of the race?

- No.
- Are you prepared to drop

your flip-flopping one-time
sexist campaign manager?

All I want is justice.
Shawn has to go.

- Shawn must go!
- (students) Shawn must go!

- (all) Shawn must go!
- Wait a minute.

Don't you guys want a president who's
loyal to his friends percent?

(all) No!

- Really? That's what you guys want?
- (all) Yes!

Then Shawn is out.

Yeah!

(students cheer)

How could you do this to me?

Did you hear them cheer, Shawn?
I think we picked up a lot of girl votes.

You said we were weak on girls.

Cory, you fired me.

- Well, yeah, just a little.
- No. No, no, it was all of me.

But I had to.
We're in this to win, right?

"We"?

"We"?

"We"?!

- Shawn, you're squealing.
- Yeah, I'm squealing.

That's the sound you make
when your best friend takes a g*n

and stabs you in the back
right in front of your eyes.

Look, I just did what you told me to.
I gave the people what they wanted.

- Well, I want my campaign back.
- Yeah, since when was it your campaign?

Only since I nominated you and told you
what to say every step of the way.

You were helpful in the early going,
and I'll never forget that.

You fired me.

Shawn, my friend,
this is not a time for bitterness.

This is a time for healing.

You know what, Cory Matthews?
If I met you just this minute,

I wouldn't know who you are.

I'm Cory Matthews,
the next president of the eighth grade.

Not without me, pal.

So how's the campaign?

We're just reevaluating,
you know, considering a new direction.

Mm-hmm. And that would be down?

Look, Shawn was just holding me back.

Yeah, you're right.

It's probably a good move
to dump your best friend

for a dopey class election
you're gonna lose anyway.

You know what?
You're jealous, huh?

You're used to being the big man...

Mr. Rugby Shirt, Mr. Good Hair,
Mr. Dimples.

Oh, stop. Stop.

When I'm president,
people are gonna look at you,

and you know what they're gonna say?

Who's sitting next to Cory?
Who's that giving Cory the ride home?

Who's the guy with photos
of little Cory

running naked through the sprinkler?

Eric, big deal. I was four.

You were .

It was refreshing.

Cory, it's late.
What are you doing up?

I'm just working on my speech
for tomorrow's debate.

- Hey, Cor?
- Yeah?

How are you gonna get 'em
to sh**t Baywatch at your school?

- Well, we have a pool.
- No, you don't.

Keep reading.

Ah.

Oh, and a water slide.
Oh, nice touch.

What are you gonna call it?
Raging Promises?

Dad, it's just to get elected.

Once I win, then I'll do
the real stuff...

clean up the graffiti,
get better food in the cafeteria,

just be an all-around voice
for the students.

That sounds pretty good.
Why don't you put some of that in here?

Because it's boring,
and nobody votes for boring.

They want to hear
what you're gonna give 'em.

Even if that's not really
what you're gonna give 'em?

Dad, you don't sound like
you're behind me on this.

Cory, I'm always behind you.

I'm just not sure I'm behind
what you're saying here.

I'm just trying to win.

- Why is that so important?
- So I can be president.

- Why do you want to be president?
- Because then I'll finally fit in

and be the person I want to be.

Who do you want to be?

Cory Matthews...
honest, loyal, decent.

Honest to the voters,
loyal to your best friend,

and decent enough
to k*ll off your parents.

After this morning's debate,
you will return to your homerooms

and cast your votes
for eighth-grade class president.

Now, the candidates.

Alvin W. Meese.

- (cheering)
- (boys) Alvin! Alvin!

And Cory A. Matthews.

(cheering)

Slim pickin's indeed.

We will now hear opening statements.

- Slight change of plans.
- You said I could be moderator.

Well, now there's even more to moderate.

Oh.

All right. Technically we never
closed the nomination process,

and so, as of just now,
there's a new candidate for president.

Oh, good.
Perhaps a serious-minded student

appalled by the tawdry level
of the campaign thus far.

- Shawn Hunter.
- (cheers and applause)

I quit.

How you doing?
Vote for me. Vote for me.

Shawn, what are you doing?

What I should have done in the first place -
run for president myself.

Can he do this?

Mr. Turner, this is your
little experiment in democracy.

- Can he do this?
- I don't see why not.

Democracy is always invigorated
by the infusion of fresh, new ideas.

Do you have any ideas, Mr. Hunter?

Oh, yeah.
Big honkin' ones.

"Big honkin' ones."

So, flip-flopper,
call any girls "icky" lately?

Thank you for bringing that up, Alvin.

Yes, I... I have made
some mistakes in the past.

I have called some girls icky,

but that was a long time ago,
when I had cooties.

That's right. That's right.
I, Shawn Hunter, had cooties,

but I fought my way back,

and I stand before you today
cootie-free and girl-friendly.

And to prove that,
I'd like to introduce to you

my co-candidate for president...
Paula Kelly.

(boy hoots)

- Aww.
- Can he do this?

- Can he do this?
- I don't see why not.

- Democracy is always--
- Oh, be quiet.

How far are you willing to let this go?

I have faith in these students
and the electoral process,

and...
maybe just another minute.

Shawn Hunter's only in this race
so he can get back at me for f*ring him.

And you're only in it
because you didn't know who you were.

Well, I know who I am now.
I'm Cory Matthews, man of the people.

OK, man of the people,
didn't you lie to the people?

I'm sure I don't know
what you're talking about.

Didn't you make them
outrageous campaign promises

you knew you couldn't possibly deliver?

Yeah, only 'cause you told me to.

If I told you to jump off a bridge,
would you listen to me?

Yeah, I did that one time.
Don't you remember?

How can you vote for a guy
who's dumb enough to jump off a bridge?

It was a miniature golf bridge.

He jumped in to get my ball,
and don't call my friend dumb.

Yeah, there's no room in this campaign
for name-calling,

you four-eyed, frog-voiced geek.

My mother does not buy my clothes.

I resign.

- (boy) Hey, nice outfit!
- (cheers and applause)

Order. Order!

This has all gone far enough.

Go back to your classrooms
and cast your votes

for the remaining candidates,

and may God have mercy on your souls.

Wait a minute, Mr. Feeny.

Before they vote, shouldn't they
hear what we have to say?

No.

Look, I just want to say
that before this election,

I really didn't know who I was
or what was important to me,

but now, weeks later,
after looking deeply into my soul,

I still have no idea.

I know less than he knows.

Thank you, Mr. Lincoln,
but wait your turn.

So I ran for president
to find out who I was,

and what I think
I'm finding out is that...

I'm not a good candidate

or a good friend.

So I withdraw from the race,

and I think everyone here
should vote for Shawn.

He's really the best friend
you could have.

No, I'm not.
I'm worse than you.

I made up every lie he told.

I've known Cory all my life,
and he really is honest, loyal and decent.

That's what you are, Cor.
That's all you need to be.

I withdraw from the race, too.

Well, Mr. Feeny, we're both out.

Yes, well, I'm sure you'll do well
in the private sector.

Wait a second.
I wanted to be president.

I wanted my life to mean something.

- You want to go grab a burger?
- I'm out.

Well, Mr. Turner,
your little experiment in democracy

has left the eighth grade
leaderless for next year.

Too bad. I was looking forward
to Matthews' five-day weekend.

OK, folks, that's our show.
Thank you for coming.

We now return you
to your regular Friday schedule.

Wait a minute.
Our class needs a leader.

And if we ignore all our problems,
they're not just going to... go away.

There's graffiti all over the walls,
and those old social studies books?

When are they gonna replace those?

And how about some better food
in the cafeteria?

(cheering)

And if elected, I will be a voice
for the entire student body.

She's got my vote. You know,
she would make a great president.

Yeah, I knew it would all work out.

- Do you realize how lucky you are?
- Yes, sir. Very lucky.

What we really need is someone who will
work hard to make small but real changes

that will make a meaningful difference
in our daily lives.

Honest, loyal, decent...

- What about a water slide?
- You got it.

- And the power means nothing to her.
- (Topanga) Topanga!

(students) Topanga!
Topanga! Topanga! Topanga!

- Topanga! Topanga!
- (chanting continues)

Cory seemed pretty quiet during dinner.

Yeah, at least we didn't have to
listen to any campaign promises.

Poor little guy. He would have
made such a cute president.

I think he's better off.

- I'm kind of proud of him for dropping out.
- I didn't know he dropped out.

Made a bunch of promises
he couldn't keep,

and it finally caught up to him.
Good lesson to be learned.

You cannot make promises like that.
People remember.

Yeah, like when you promised
to take me to Europe.

Exactly.

Do you remember when you said that?

Yes, I do.
I remember we were, um...

- sitting at that place...
- That's right.

We were drinking that wine
and eating all those strawberries,

and you said, "Sweetheart, one day
I'm going to take you to Paris, I promise."

And that's a promise I'm gonna keep.

This summer. Paris.
You can book the tickets.

Ohh, Alan.

Paris. You and me, babe.

Mom, did Dad really promise
to take you to Paris?

Of course he did... just now.