01x02 - She's Having a Maybe

[bunniefuu]

GOSSIP GIRL: Good evening, followers.

♪ Ain't enough to say... ♪

Gossip Girl here. Your one and only source for the truth

behind the scandalous lies of New York's elite.

What's all that rustling

reverberating through the twilight?

Why, that's the echo of anxiety, the jangling of nerves

in preparation for a big night ahead.

And what exactly is on the docket

this September evening?

An autumn equinox affair?

Opening night at the ballet?

Or something more essential?

- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)
- (MUSIC CONTINUES)

GOSSIP GIRL: Annual parent-teacher conferences.

- New shoes?
- GG's gone to her head.

KATE KELLER: I just got worried I wouldn't make a good impression.

GOSSIP GIRL: But on the Upper East Side,

they do things differently.

The students aren't the ones under review.

- It's the teachers.
- (WHISPERS) Put that away.

It just looks like she's texting.

On parent-teacher night? That's even worse.

Last time, Alec Baldwin confiscated my phone.

I never got it back.

HEADMISTRESS BURTON: Oh, Mr. Calloway.

- Hi, Davis.
- That's Julien's dad?

- Always a pleasure.
- (BOTH CHUCKLE)

My pleasure, not yours.

He's a Constance parent hall-of-famer.

More Grammys than Diplo and Calvin Harris combined.

WENDY: Davis also underwrites our art scholarship, the one Zoya Lott currently holds.

Bet he still doesn't know she even goes here.

Who wants to tell him?

Ooh, maybe Gossip Girl!
Tag him in something!

You haven't posted a single tip in days.

I haven't had time to verify anything.

This is working too well to risk it.

She's right. Someone actually raised their hand in class yesterday.

To ask a question.

Because they're all running scared.

Nobody wants to be the next target.

I'm just waiting for the perfect thing, and then I'll post.

GOSSIP GIRL: While the parents play with the politics of privilege,

where are their heirs?

- Deep in Dumbo, of course.
- Wish you were here.

GOSSIP GIRL: Looks like somebody wasn't invited to the party.

NICK LOTT: So, to review, I'm off to meet your teachers, and you're still grounded until further notice.

Are we clear?

I know you still feel bad.

I'd choose "terrible," personally.

NICK: Don't feel terrible for me.

I'm not the thing you should be worrying about right now.

The Headmistress asked to speak to me personally tonight.

And if she pulls the scholarship, I don't know what we'll do.

("JAGUAR" BY VICTORIA MONÉT PLAYING)

♪ Supersonic pussycat Just like a jaguar... ♪

I'm going out with my girls tonight,

so I have to look my best.

What do you guys think, Glow Up or Glossier?

I'm watching those replies, so weigh in or tag out.

MONET DE HAAN: You're protected.
We'll hashtag GirlsNightOut, so that no one would even think about Obie not being here.

How long can we do that?

People are gonna start to notice he's missing.

Well, you're safe through SelfCareSunday,

MeTimeMonday, DinnersWithDaddy, GirlsJustWantToHaveSun,

PetsForVets, PilatesParty, ShoppingWithMySisters, and of course, ThankYouEssentialWorkers.

So you have... two days to get him back?

And... And you will.

This is just like that time you took a selfie in front of the Paul Smith wall in L.A. and didn't notice the homeless encampment in the BG.

You apologized, wore that "Bernie babe" tee for a week, and all was forgiven.

I'll talk to him as soon as he gets here, apologize again, as many times as it takes. I miss him.

He just needs to hear that from me, and then things can go back to normal.

To the way they were. Right?

- Of course.
- Totally.

- (ELEVATOR BELL DINGS)
- (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

Oh, thank God. I'm bored.

Only boring people are bored. You are uninspired.

- Inspire me.
- (CHUCKLES)

You know, you are one of the last people in here that I don't know intimately.

Just gotta close your eyes and pretend someone's new.

- I do it all the time.
- MAX WOLFE: How monoga-musty.

No, I do not have to close my eyes and fantasize about anything.

I allow myself to sample everything.

Hmm.

How about you, Aki?
There are nerve endings that two hands alone cannot stimulate, and I count six among us.

Never in a million years, but thanks for thinking of me.

(MEN LAUGHING)

Oh, looks like someone didn't wanna show up to the parent-teacher conferences.

Perhaps he's more interested in the student-teacher congress?

Happy hunting.

- (CELLPHONE CHIMES)
- Oh.

Hmm. Of course.

"Dear Katherine. We're sorry you were unable to attend tonight's parent-teacher meetings.

If you would like to speak with faculty in regards to Audrey's progress, please do not hesitate to..." never respond to this or show up to anything related to your daughter's life.

And I'm BCCed like I'm her mother.

Well, maybe she had a good reason.

Like all the other times?

Can't find the exit to her bed?

Designing athleisurewear just too stressful?

Or maybe, since it's only anecdotally about her, she couldn't even give a sh*t?

No, Kiki loves you.

Try to remember what she's been through.

For the past years?

Her line's in trouble.
She's got a divorce.

- A divorce!
- (SIGHS)

Can you just, like, show her a little empathy?

Akeno, I love you, but I'm not paying for this session.

MONET: Can you... Yeah, just like that.

Oh.

(CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS)

(SCOFFS)

(SIGHS) They need to get back together fast, or I can kiss an Edelman summer internship goodbye.

Her followers are bolting.

So, how goes Operation: Phantom Limb?

All anyone seems to care about is, "Where's Obie?"

I just didn't realize how invested my followers were in us as a unit.

Kinda thought they were only there for me.

Maybe that was part of his problem with you.

I'm sorry, I'm on edge.

Aki has poisoned me with logic and reason.

Babe, what's up?

It's Kiki. We don't have to talk about it.

Just 'cause I don't have a mom doesn't mean I don't wanna talk about problems with yours.

And I actually like living vicariously through fights I never got to have.

Okay, well, she didn't show to school tonight, and she probably won't show up to the fundraiser tomorrow.

She just cannot seem to show up.

I don't know why I still let it get to me, you know?

Because you know you're worth showing up for.

And you want your mom to know that, too.

Okay. Let's go see what they're up to.

(SCOFFS) They're just on Zoya's case.

I know it was stupid of me to think that we'd be instant family, but Zoya's not a bad person.
She hasn't done anything wrong.

Nothing wrong?

Your iconic relationship's on thin ice, and she's taking a sledgehammer to it.

Has anyone even seen them together?

Has anyone even seen her at all?

She's not responsible for where Obie's at, and I'm just giving him space.

He'll come back. He always does.

Hey Aki, what time is Obie meeting you here? Nine?

Uh... We had dinner at Vinegar Hill House, and I told him I was meeting everyone after,

- but...
- Okay, open your eyes.

You can give him all the space that you want, but he's no longer in your orbit. He's in hers.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

- Hey, what are you doing?
- He lives two minutes from here.

_

Ooh, fast response. That's good, that's encouraging.

"Hitting bed early. Maybe tomorrow."

He said "maybe"?

(SUBWAY TRAIN RATTLING)

_

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING)

It's nice not to have to leave the straight guy gap for a change, huh?

Could you wait? This is wildly inappropriate.

I'm not looking. Are you?

Okay, now I'm looking.

Sorry.

It's just, even peripherally, congratulations.

So, why are you not at school sucking up to my dads?

Electives teachers don't have to participate.

Does that mean that you just like to watch, then?

'Cause I could be so into that.

I don't know what you think you're doing, Mr. Wolfe.

What? I'm bored.

Uh... I'm of age.

And I've already had most of Dumbo Hall.

We're off campus. Wanna... take part in an away game or two?

Hmm?

- I don't f*ck my students.
- Cool, I'll top then.

(CHUCKLES) For your safety, security, and continued enrollment in St. Jude's,

I'm gonna pretend this conversation never happened.

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Was that Rafa Caparros?

- Uh... Yeah. Why?
- VICTOR: (CHUCKLES) That's him.

I couldn't walk for a week and didn't want to.

That man is the f*ck of New York.

Yeah, well, I think I already know of someone who holds that title.

Oh, you don't have to take my word for it.

Read the thread on MaleGeneral.

And, yes, you were discussed there.

Briefly.

(LAUGHS)

I thought you were joking with this text!

What are you doing here?

I went out for a walk a few hours ago, and it just stopped now? (CHUCKLES)

I'm grounded. What if my dad sees you?

OBIE BERGMANN: Isn't your dad at conferences?

And freshmen are last, and it's, like, not even nine o'clock, so...

You're right, but it's still risky.

(BOTH CHUCKLE)

You have a really big smile.

Yeah, I wouldn't know. I don't... I don't use it very often.

Well, it takes up your entire face.

- Like the Joker?
- No, like... like...

- Show me.
- Okay, um...

(BOTH LAUGH)

I haven't, um, been seeing you around school very much.

You're in, like, right before the bell and out just after.

Um... I'm trying to keep a low profile.

- Because of Julien?
- No, 'cause of me.

'Cause of everything.

- Yeah.
- Well...

I should get back inside.
There are spies everywhere.

On the Upper West Side? No way.

Okay, that sounded bad.

- But that's not...
- Yeah, it did.

- It did.
- It did, but you're right.

And, um, that's why I like it up here.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

I like it up here, too.

(EXHALES) I should go.

- (CAMERA CLICKS)
- I'll see you around.

Okay.

This is exhausting.

It's so late, and we're just getting to freshmen!

Also, and not incidentally, a mother just told me her son should be allowed to vape in my class because of his asymptomatic glaucoma.

- Aerin.
- Aerin.

(CELLPHONE VIBRATES)

- JORDAN GLASSBERG: More tips?
- Nonstop.

Probably because their parents are here and not home.

(EXHALES)

Too bad not anything, um...

(WHIMSICAL MUSIC PLAYING)

Told you waiting would pay off.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

- I'm looking for a Mrs. Keller?
- Ms. That's me.

- You must be...
- Nicholas Lott.

KATE: Right this way.

(GROANING) Oh, God.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

- (CELLPHONE PINGS)
- GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted.

Something more rare than the Mandarin duck.

A Zobie sighting in the wilds of the Upper West.

Only a matter of time before they left their nest.

But where do you think they fall on the food chain?

Guess we'll find out,

since something tells me they're about to be eaten alive.

They're allowed to hang.
It doesn't mean anything.

Yeah, he said he was going to bed.

He didn't say with who or where...

Are you trying to incite a riot?

Yes! Jules, you can't let them get away with this. Quash her.

You're the queen, right? You can do it.

We don't do hierarchies, remember? This...

Only because everyone already knows who's on top.

Yeah, they did. Show them.
Smite her. Smite her now.

- (POP SONG PLAYING)
- Oh, fine.

- What are you doing?
- A little FlashbackFriday.

It's more chartreuse than a moss, but I don't think anyone will notice with the right filter.

AKI MENZIES: So you're gonna pretend that he's with you right now instead of with her?

- Yeah, won't Obie bust you?
- He's not even on IG.


(PHONE PINGS)

NICK: I'm glad you feel she's settling in okay.

She didn't quite love her old school.

(CELLPHONE VIBRATING)

One of my favorite things about Zoya is she's one of the only students

- who seems happy to be physically here.
- (CELLPHONE VIBRATING)

Honestly, I think homeschool was worse for me than for her.

She had to teach me Pythagorean theorem.

Still not clear on it, by the way.

- (CHUCKLES)
- (CELLPHONE CONTINUES VIBRATING)

Uh... Do you need to get that?

Yeah, let me just make sure it's not, like, the police or my mother.

(OMINOUS MUSIC PLAYING)

Just some Times alerts.
Um... Where were we?

Crisis "O" averted.

The Ju-lions are already mauling GG.

Before you know it, that bitch will be spammed out of existence even more swiftly than Scooter.

LUNA: I'll bet Gossip Girl takes that one down.

But the next pic she gets of them, you won't be able to spin.

- What are you saying?
- One down, one to go.

Shuffle off that Buffal-hoe. Hmm?

- I can't do that.
- MONET: It's you or her, babe.

No one follows a brand ambassador for failure.

Don't do it for your brand.

Do it for yourself.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

- Mom. It's : .
- (KIKI HOPE GROANS)

- Mom.
- What?

- Here.
- Thank you. (SIGHS)

- So, I got you something.
- KIKI: Hmm?

Well, I rented it. It's, um, it's Halston Heritage.

I know you used to wear it.

- Did somebody die?
- Ask your closet.

This is life.

Audrey, it's too early for jokes.

AUDREY: What happened last night?

The parent-teacher conferences?

(SIGHS) I...

couldn't go.

Sorry. You know, you've been going there since you were in kindergarten, and every year, they say the same thing.

"Audrey is brilliant," and "Audrey is wonderful."

Don't you like hearing these things?

Of course I do.

AUDREY: So I thought you could wear this tonight to the fundraiser?

Black Tie for Classroom Supplies,

- do you not remember?
- I do remember.

I remember that we talked about it.

And I already told you that I can't go.

Okay? I have a dinner for work.

And I donated. And that's what matters.

Mom, I'm student chair.
This is important to me.

Is your father gonna be there?

No, I didn't invite him.

Look, it's not... It's...

- It's not even about him.
- I know.

- I don't wanna see her, either.
- She was my assistant.

You know, she was my friend.

She came to our house for dinners.

We went on vacation with her.
She sat in our living room, and she said to me, "I wish I had a family just like yours."

- And then she stole it.
- AUDREY: (WHISPERS) I know.

She won't be there.

I will.

- Mom, please.
- Yeah.

AUDREY: Please just do it for me?
Just this one... Just this once?

(WHISPERS) Okay.

- AUDREY: (WHISPERS) Okay?
- (WHISPERS) Okay.

(WHISPERS) Fine.

How did it go last night?

I was asleep by the time you got in.

I met your teachers.
They seem to like you.

Ms. Keller, especially.

Yeah, she's great. She reads everything.

She even has us act out chapters, like a play.

Right now we're doing Things Fall Apart.

I hope you get to see that through.

- Headmistress Burton?
- Says the school board agrees a scholarship scandal would be less than ideal, given "the current climate" and "the student in question."

She made it very clear you're still under strict probation.

If they find a reason to take it away from you, any reason at all, they'll use it.

I will be perfect.

I promise.

Let's discuss how we define that word.

He... He showed up unannounced.

I can't control what other people do.

I don't care about what he did. All I care about is you.

Right now, anything that distracts you from keeping your head down and staying out of trouble is bad news.

We clear?

I got you a Yeti! It's orange, so you don't confuse it with mine...

Whoa, crazy eyes.

- What's going on?
- I didn't sleep.

They were throwing bricks through my window all night.

They found out it was you?

Of course not! Proverbial bricks.

(EXHALES)

Look.

What? There's nothing here.

That's because our posts are "under review."

They flagged all of them as inappropriate!

- Who?
- The Ju-legion, or whatever they're called.

Ju-lions. They're clever, I'll give them that.

Well, I'm locked out of posting because of it.

And look at all our tags!

They're trying to drive me insane!

And it looks like it's working.

We have to get control back.

If Gossip Girl's canceled, we're back in danger.

Have you spoken to Martine?
She can't get a job anywhere!

There's nothing objectionable that's been posted.

The account will be un-flagged by the end of the day.

- Just keep it together. Breathe.
- Easy for you to say.

I'm the one on the front lines here, and trying to keep up is exhausting.

Do you know how hard her voice is?

I thought it would be simple, but it's not.

It's incredibly specific, okay? It's like if E. M. Forster got roofied by Dorothy Parker and Jacqueline Susann.

I mean, it takes focus and determination and...

Um... Kate. Just get to class. (CHUCKLES)

This will blow over, I promise.
Just don't give the game away.

This is our first test. We can pass it.

(EXHALES SHARPLY)

(GENTLE MUSIC PLAYING)

AUDREY: Hey.

Spring in your step, JC. Things are looking up.

You put Gossip Girl on notice, my mom is showing up for me tonight... and my boyfriend is looking at shirtless photos of our Classics teacher?

- Uh... It's not what you think.
- MAX WOLFE: No, it's exactly what you think.

AKI: He's going fishing.

AUDREY: I thought teachers were private?

Yeah. (CHUCKLES) Only the ones who think privacy is still a thing.

He's just trying to orchestrate another Rafa run-in.

This Wolfe thinks he can huff and puff and blow this man.

- (SCOFFS)
- AKI: His words, not mine.

MAX: Bingo! I would know those tiles anywhere.

Tenth Street Baths. September th.

Tuesday, of course. Men only.

Just like today. I could use a bath.

- And a bath buddy.
- Unsubscribe.

- Yeah, hard pass.
- You were half right.

- So I'll meet you back here at : ?
- Not interested.

Of course you are.

JULIEN CALLOWAY: I'm gonna go find Obie.

Let's go.

AUDREY: My least favorite three words?

"You were right." Kiki is going through it about my dad.

- Maybe you should give it...
- No!

Why can't you just be happy for me?

No advice. I already took care of it.

She's coming to the fundraiser.

And now, I just need to talk to my dad and make sure that he doesn't.

(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING)

Hi. So, I just want you to know that I got it.

Message received. Loud and clear.

- What message is that?
- That I f*cked up.

I was petty and cruel and jealous, and for no reason, which makes it even worse.

I know you're in protest mode right now, but whenever you're ready to just put this little break thing behind us,

- I'm here. Lesson learned.
- Jules.

I thought I made it clear. This is not a break.

Okay? We broke up.

- No we didn't, not really.
- OBIE: Maybe you didn't.

Look, when's the last time it was fun between us?

When's the last time we made each other laugh? I...

(SIGHS) I care about you.

I always will. I know that you know that.

Okay? But the rest has been done for a long time.

And somebody just needed to make it official.

(GASPS)

Hey, so, I got to thinking about what we could do on Friday.

Oh, sh*t, I forgot to, uh, forgot to ask you out.

- Um... Hey, would you like...
- (CHUCKLES) Obie...

Uh-oh. Ellipses, okay.

It's... It's not that I don't want to hang.

OBIE: Cool. I don't wanna "hang" either.

Go on a date. It's just now is a really bad time.

I promised I would stay away from any drama, and you and I, believe it or not, are... (SCOFFS)

...a Greek tragedy waiting to happen.

So, that's a... that's a no?

Thing is, you a... and Julien...

OBIE: There's no me and Julien.

All right? There hasn't been for a long time, long before you got here. I was just... afraid to say it out loud.
But now that I have, I'm, um...

I'm free, and I want to spend that free time with you.

You don't understand. I'm not like everyone else here.

I can't just do what I want.

Being here is conditional.

But... But would you want to go out in a universe where sisters and scholarships...

- don't exist?
- And what world is that?

What if I could find a way for us to go on a date, and not... at the same time?

If you found some magical way to be on a date with me without anyone in the world knowing...

- Mm.
- ...then sure.

- But that's impossible.
- Whoa.

This smile that you like so much can do anything.

So, just wait.

(CHUCKLES)

(SIGHS) If Obie wants to consort with the enemy, we'll cut him out, too.

- AKI: He's my best friend.
- You wanna be next?

I don't want Obie out of my life.

- I never wanted that.
- You're better off without him.

No. No, you are definitely not better off without him.

Please tell me that you two made up.

- I'm out of hashtags.
- Not only did we not make up, but he ended it with me for good.

Okay, it gives us zero pleasure to say this to you right now,

- but...
- Phase One is complete.

Gossip Girl's on her way out.
But Phase Two? That's Zoya.

If you want Obie back, she has to be banished.

What? No. I brought her here.

I'm the only one to blame for that.

And if she were to leave, Obie would just pine after her like the puppy he is.

But if he were to lose interest...

How? He's already seen her, and he's still in it.

What if instead of driving her away from here, we drive him away from her?
I need to talk to Gossip Girl.

Oh no. Honey, honey, she's cancelled.

Which is why she'll help.

I'll un-cancel her on one condition: she brings me the juiciest dirt on Little Z.

GG works for me now.

("DORA" BY TIERRA WHACK PLAYING)

♪ Open the Dora... ♪

Something's going on with Audrey.

She doesn't seem to want to talk to me anymore.

Like really talk.

And when she wants to have sex, she doesn't... wanna have it with me.

I don't know what to do.

Has she said anything to you?

Dude, go to Equinox if you want to talk, okay?

Here, we cruise.

AKI: You're stalking a teacher.

This is stalking. You know that, right?

Okay, how many times do I have to explain this to you?

A man only selfies his bi-weekly bathhouse visit if he wants to be found.

I can't believe you talked me into this.

Well, then you're gonna be really surprised at what I'm gonna ask you to do next.

Do I have your consent?

My consent for what?

For whatever.

Oh, you want to make him jealous?

MAX: Yeah.

(QUIET MUSIC PLAYING)

Did it work?

Yeah. Better than I imagined.

- MAX: Leaving so soon?
- Did you follow me here?

- Are you trying to get me fired?
- Of course not. No.

I mean it, Max. You can't be doing this sort of stuff.

Because you're not interested?

Or because you are?

- You should still be at school.
- So should you.

Should we follow him and do it again?

JORDAN: There's gotta be something... we can give her.

I'm telling you, there's nothing.

Zoya Lott is squeaky f*cking clean.

Which is good, 'cause I don't wanna destroy her anyway.

JORDAN: We have no choice.

We're getting so many hate DMs, we might as well be de Blasio.

Maybe we should post something juicy to distract them?

And what would that be, Reema?

Jasper Kincaid got stuck in a subway grate on the way to school?

Because that's the only thing we got today.

And Jasper is .

This was working.

The account's unflagged, just like I said it would be.

Th... This is just standard growing pains.

You know as well as I do that if we don't give Julien what she wants, that's it.

(DOOR OPENING)

- ZOYA LOTT: Hi, uh, Miss Keller?
- KATE: Zoya!

What are you doing up here?

(CHUCKLES) Headmistress Burton told me to volunteer for fundraiser prep.

So I need anything to stay on her good side.

- Here I am, reporting for duty.
- (KATE CHUCKLES)

So many hyphens!

It's like no one in this town has a normal name.

- (CHUCKLES) Like Zoya?
- (CHUCKLES) Says Kate Keller.

(BOTH LAUGH)

Zoya means "life."

I looked it up.

What about Kate?

"Pure." Like, uh, Saint Catherine of Alexandria.

You seem pure.

You don't know me very well. (CHUCKLING)

Just from the last hour,

I know you better than anybody else here.

What about your, uh, cousin?

Sister.

Half. Um...

I don't know her at all.

Um...

Do you wanna talk about it?

I moved here for her. You know, to get to know her.

To connect with the closest thing to my mother there is.

But nothing's working out.

I feel like I don't belong here.

And on top of everything,

I took a scholarship from someone who deserved it.

The one-act you submitted with your application was outstanding.

The talk of the English department.

You deserve to be here.

So, okay, it's not all happening as quickly as you thought, but... feeling like you don't belong at a place like this, maybe that's a good thing?

I mean... Doesn't even matter.

We couldn't go back even if we wanted to.

Go back?

I'm not supposed to say anything, but my old school wasn't such a great place for me.

And if I get kicked out of here too...

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Thank you for talking with me, Miss Keller.

It really means a lot.

What?

- Spit it out!
- KATE: I don't know if I should.

Something happened at Zoya's old school.

- What do you mean? What?
- I don't know.

But I think she got kicked out because of it.

The great thing about working in admin is knowing other people in admin are as bored as you are.

It's time for a little quid pro corruption.

("FREAK" BY DOJA CAT PLAYING)

GOSSIP GIRL: Good evening, followers.

Gossip Girl here.

Back with a vengeance, and not a moment too soon.

Are you primped and prepped for the night's philanthropy?

Due to recent events,

I'm feeling a little less than charitable myself.

But I never like to spoil an appetite before dessert.

♪ Freak like me... ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: Revenge is a dish best served bold, after all.

So while you pretend to be touched for your s,

I will be right behind you,

your own Internal Revelation Service,

waiting to bring you in and take you down.

Think you b*rned me?

Think again.

Watch the skies.

I'm coming.

♪ Kinda like seesaw ♪

♪ Up and down on the D Give it to him ♪

- ♪ Freak like me ♪
- ♪ Need a freak like me ♪

♪ You never been with no one ♪

♪ As nasty as me ♪

♪ Spice up your life... ♪

Since I assume she's the one who invited us, need I remind you your Headmistress will be there?

Don't worry, Dad.

I'll be on my best behavior.

("PUT YOUR HEAD ON MY SHOULDER" BY PAUL ANKA PLAYING)

♪ Put your head On my shoulder... ♪

I did two laps, she's not here.

I was waiting out there for minutes.

Aki, Audrey! How are you both tonight?

Depends on my f*cking mom.

AKI: (CHUCKLES) Good to see you, sir.

It's good to see you both.

Even Davis is here. If Keeks blows this off,

I swear to God, I'm emancipating.

She'll be here. You got ahold of your dad, right?

Yeah, we texted. All clear.

Why are you sweating? Are you okay?

(SIGHS) I had too much time in the steam room.

You need to cool down.
And I need a drink.

Sorry, Miss Hope. I'm not packing tonight.

I need to stay focused.

There's a silent auction item with my name on it.

- Another blank prescription pad?
- MAX: Mm-hmm.

Private Tour of New York's Picassos.

With a certain Classics scholar.

Aki tell you what happened this afternoon?

Nothing happened. Nothing at all.

Aki, do not be shy, okay?

He helped me pick out these fantastic Ferragamos.

("SOMEONE AIN'T RIGHT" BY DORIS TROY PLAYING)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

♪ That someone is you ♪

♪ 'Cause you ain't Treatin' me right ♪

♪ Get stuck together... ♪

- Hey. You made it.
- Yeah.

Well, I didn't really have a choice.

The school sent tickets, so attendance wasn't exactly optional.

I mean, this whole thing is crazy.

Yeah, it's a little over the top.

Sure, but raising money to buy class supplies for disadvantaged kids sounds like a good move, no?

I don't know. I'm just glad our tickets were free.

- ♪ That someone is you ♪
- Yeah...

♪ 'Cause you ain't Treatin' me right ♪

♪ Don't think you're clever... ♪

- You bought our tickets.
- (LAUGHS)

I did tell you I would find a way for us to have our first date without anybody knowing, so...

Hiding in plain sight. Okay. Nice move.

- Yeah. Thank you.
- (CHUCKLES)

I even got you the seat right behind me, so we'd be back-to-back, not side-by-side. But... well, apparently, I'm a terrible person...

No. No. You're a good person. A really good person.

- Show my back to yours?
- (SONG PLAYING CONTINUES)

- (SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)
- (ELEVATOR DINGING)

Mom.

We said : . I was pretty specific...

Relax, Audrey. I'm here, aren't I?

- What happened to the Halston?
- I'm a grown woman.

I think I know how to dress myself, thank you.

- Ms. Hope, you look stunning.
- Lovely to see you, Akeno.

- I'm gonna go find the bar.
- Should you really...

One drink won't k*ll me, but this party might.

Looks like she's already had a few.

Vodka soda. Light soda.

KATE: Mr. Lott?

Kate Keller. Zoya's English teacher.

We met yesterday.

If I couldn't remember you from yesterday...

Uh... (CHUCKLES) Force of habit.

Most parents don't remember us a minute later.

Well, I'm Nick. And I remember you.

So, what're you doing here?

They make us work it, if you can believe it.

I'm supposed to guide people to their seats, but most of the men put their hands on my back in a really inappropriate way.

In that case, how about you take me a very long way so you don't have to walk anyone else all night?

Follow me. And don't get dizzy, we're gonna make some loops.

- (NICK CHUCKLING)
- (ELEVATOR DINGING)

Are you gonna spill the GG tea or what?

I told you, that info is for Obie only.

It's a precision strike, and I only have one sh*t.

I can't afford you blowing it.

I just need to get him alone.
Thank God Zoya won't be...

OBIE: Okay, but the fact that everybody here is trying to do a good thing,

I mean, that's gotta count for something.

If you took the money being spent on the food, the booze, the space, not to mention the clothes, and you just gave it directly to the kids, imagine how far that would go.

But, hey, if it takes liquoring up some society types to get them to open up their wallets, then so be it.

- Who am I to judge?
- Oh...

- JULIEN: Zoya!
- Jules. I don't think...

Believe it or not, this has nothing to do with you.

- What are you doing here?
- ZOYA: I was invited.

- JULIEN: With your dad?
- Of course.

My dad's here, too.

- You still haven't told him?
- I didn't think you'd be here.

I didn't think your dad could've... would buy a ticket.

Can we just call off whatever it is we're doing here,

- and make sure that they don't meet?
- I'm not "doing" anything.

What your dad knows or doesn't has nothing to do with me.

I'm already on thin ice with my own as it is.

I don't think you understand what a big deal this is, or how much my dad hates your dad.

Well, I guess we're gonna find out, huh?

(SIGHS)

What the f*ck are you doing here?

- Davis.
- (SIGHS)

Dad, I can explain.

You know why he's here?

Everyone knows why.
Especially your daughter.

Do you want to tell him, or should I?

(DAVIS CALLOWAY SCOFFING)

AKI: What are you doing?

MAX: Taking note of the competition so I can take them out.

Okay, so Calista Hernandez, she always caps at k, so that's done.

Camille de Haan will beg off for some of my dad's house seats to The Music Man, she's got a thing for Sutton Foster.

- What? You jealous or something?
- Of course not.

I'd... I'd just appreciate it if you didn't tell Audrey...

Oh, look, I do not know what is going on between you two, but I shouldn't be in the middle of it.

Unless you want me to be.

- (LAUGHS)
- (KIKI TALKING INDISTINCTLY)

I'm sorry. Oh, my God! Oh. Oh!

God, I... hate these shoes.

Wait a minute, I... I don't understand.

You did all this behind my back?

- Behind both of ours.
- Zoya had a hand in this, too.

- I didn't act alone.
- You two have been in contact?

For years.

I asked you never to do this.

I told you if you ever wanted to know about her to come to me first.

- I did.
- No, that's not true.

It is true, Dad. You didn't listen.

- I asked like a dozen times.
- Why would you say that?

- I... I would remember.
- Maybe. Maybe not.

It was before you got sober.

And after that, I was just scared to ask.

I didn't want to set you off. You'd worked so hard.

You're sober?

(SIGHS) I'm so disappointed in you.

(BREATHES HEAVILY)

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

- AKI: Audrey.
- Mm.

Have you seen your mom?

Of course not. She finally shows up to something and then promptly disappears.
Surprise, surprise.

No. Like, have you seen your mom?

- (KIKI TALKING INDISTINCTLY)
- Oh, sweet Jesus. What happened?

Oh, God, Audrey. Thank God.

Why did you make me come here? These people are so rude.

Do you know how many people asked me where my husband was?

Like they don't mainline Page Six every morning.

- Maybe we should just go.
- You did so much work to get me here. And where're we gonna go?

- Home.
- Home. (LAUGHS)

Not for long, Audrey.

Hi. Can I get a vodka soda, no soda?

Maybe you should not be mixing your meds

- with that stuff...
- That's not really a thing.

Darling, you don't have to worry about that. (SCREAMS)

God! (LAUGHS)

You make such a comfortable chair.

- Mom, please just go home.
- Ms. Hope, we're just trying...

I am Mrs. Hope to you, Akeno.
I'm still Mrs. f*cking Hope.

- Ow! Ow, that really hurts.
- GUEST: Oh, let me look at that.

- I'm a doctor.
- KIKI: You are?

(INDISTINCT CHATTER)

You okay?

Weirdly, yeah.

This whole night is not what I expected.

Yeah, um...

Look, speaking of unexpected things, what would you say to... slipping out of here for an hour?

Come on, you're supposed to not cause a scene, right?

If you hang around here... you might be dragged into one even if you don't want to be.

I'll have you back in an hour.

All right? Nobody will even notice that we're gone.

(MILD LOUNGE MUSIC PLAYING)

Excuse me.

(ELEVATOR DINGING)

(ELEVATOR DINGING)

MONET: (CHUCKLING) It's so good.

LUNA: (CHUCKLING) Oh, these are gorge.

I'm gonna make it my lock screen.

You were right.

I never should've brought her here.

- What was I thinking?
- What were you thinking?

My dad might never talk to me again.

After all he's been through, I'm causing him more pain, and for what?

Everything was better before she came.

- She has to go.
- Glad to have you back, JC.

Where's Obie? I need to show him something.

He left... with her.

Then we move to Plan Z.

They'll have a hard time dating when one of them's grounded till .

(CHUCKLING) You can't be serious.

I listened to what you said. All right?

And if only a fraction of tonight's money is actually going towards kids getting school supplies, why not just cut out the middle man and do it ourselves?

Good evening, Mr. Williams.

Thank you for opening back up for us.

We're gonna be doing an obscene amount of shopping tonight.

Like you said on the phone. Let's see the card.

(CHUCKLING) This'd better be real.

- I'm with you, Mr. Williams.
- (INQUISITIVE MUSIC PLAYING)

- GOSSIP GIRL: Spotted.
- (CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKING)

Noble O and Lil' Z ditching the big event

for some late night charity of their own.

Has the unthinkable occurred?

Has JC been officially subbed out

for her Samaritan sis?

Or is this just another twist in their Upper East of Eden?

Your move, JC.

Better check your mate before she takes your king.

(CELLPHONE RINGING)

- DAVIS: Did you just leave?
- Dad...

DAVIS: You lied to me.

You lied to the school.
Gave her my scholarship!

Publicly shamed her? And for what?

- This isn't like you.
- You're right. It's not.

But I'm not the bad guy,

and she's not as innocent as she looks.

Meet us here, and bring him with you.

That way, you can both see for yourselves

who Zoya really is.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

(SIGHS)

Mr. Caparros. Maximus Wolfe, your highest bidder.

- (SCOFFS)
- Hope you're worth every penny.

Flattering that you went to so much trouble, Mr. Wolfe.

Should have read the fine print.

Auction items are off-limits to students.

But I'm sure your dads will love their tour.

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

Maybe I have been going about this the wrong way.

Maybe I should be very, very direct.

I have heard about you.

And I have a lot of questions that I need answered pretty soon, or I might explode.

I would think someone like you likes edging.

Oh, I love it, when I know that's what I'm doing.

I think it's safe to say that you'll be edging

- a long time.
- How long?

(SCOFFS) Till graduation.

I told you. I don't f*ck my students.

And what happens after graduation?

(KIKI GRUNTING)

Are you sure this is our car?

I don't remember it looking like this.

It's a Lyft, Mom. They're all different.

Well, that's not good for brand recognition.

- Okay.
- AKI: Jesus.

(SIGHS)

I don't even know what I was thinking.

I just wanted her to show up for me for a change.

(SIGHS) She tried.

- Maybe cut her a little slack...
- Slack?

Either she doesn't show up for me and I feel terrible, or she does and I feel even worse.

There's no slack left, in either direction!

I just think something's going on.

The stuff that she said,

- that's not normal behavior.
- You don't know her.

Maybe you don't know her either.

Jesus, Aki!

- Whose side are you on?
- I'm on no one's side.

I'm just looking at this objectively.

I know, and that's awful.

I need a f*cking partner, Aki, not a peacemaker.

So, I don't know...

I don't know how much longer I can do this.

I understand that you're mad.

But I don't think right here, right now is the time...

You just did it again.

You can't help it. It's who you are.

And... I don't want to change you. I really don't.

I just...

Audrey, wait.

AUDREY: I don't...

I don't even know what I'm saying right now. I'm sorry.

(CAR ENGINE STARTING)

("SATURDAYS" BY TWIN SHADOW PLAYING)

♪ This could be the last time ♪

♪ That could be the fault line Slipping away ♪

♪ This could be Your last line... ♪

What school are we buying for?

All of them?

♪ This might be the last ride ♪

♪ Every road could fall Right under our feet ♪

♪ I'm sinking to the ocean ♪

♪ This will be a lost street ♪

♪ When you open your eyes It's like ♪

♪ Nothing's real ♪

♪ When you open your eyes It's like ♪

♪ Saturdays ♪

♪ When we dance in the dark ♪

♪ In the room Where it all gets real ♪

♪ I know you know how it feels ♪

♪ Saturdays ♪

♪ When we dance in the dark... ♪

I'm going after erasers!

What are you waiting for? Go inside!

Fire the silver b*llet!

No.

What do you mean, "no"? Look at them, they're on a high!

That's the best place to push someone off of!

I would never do this sort of thing with him.

He would offer, try to be spontaneous.

I'd always say no.

- Well, yeah, because it's gross.
- You don't understand.

I've been so stupid.

DAVIS: Julien?

Julien, what's going on?

- NICK: Where's my daughter?
- Dad, I was wrong. She's not here.

- I'm sorry I made you...
- Dad? What're you doing here?

I tried to stop them...

NICK: How could you sneak out on me like this, Z?

You know you're grounded.

I told you no more drama. No more lies. And here we are.

Again.

- Mr. Lott...
- I'm not talking to you, son.

I thought you were trying to rebuild my trust.

More than that, I thought you wanted to.

Dad, please. Okay? I'm sorry. I was just having a little fun.

And if Julien hadn't come here...

Do not blame your sister for this.

Now she's my sister?

- Of course she is, but...
- No, she's right.

We're not sisters.

You never wanted us to be, so we never were.

(DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING)

Besides, a sister wouldn't do what I just did, right?

Let's go.

(MUSIC CONTINUES PLAYING)

AUDREY: Hi.

(EXHALES HEAVILY)

- I don't know what came over me.
- It's fine.

No. I do. I do know what...

I haven't been completely honest with you.

The trip to Laos wasn't to check on the factories.

It was to close them.

- (SIGHS)
- What?

We're filing for Chapter this week.

- I tried to push it off.
- I...

- I had no idea.
- Oh, I didn't want you to know.

(INHALES SHARPLY)

And once I told you, then it'd be real.

AUDREY: Well, um...

It's gonna be okay. I know it will.

Yeah. Maybe.

A lot of things are gonna have to change. (SIGHS)

They're already changing, Mom.

Come here.

It's okay.

I thought you were leaving.

Yeah, sorry. I couldn't find my tie.

Thank you, by the way.
I was pretty pent up.

I could tell.

Guess I was, too.

Hey, don't tell anyone anything about this, okay?

Okay.

(WHISPERS) f*ck.

- I know what you're gonna say...
- Actually, I don't think you do.

(CLEARS THROAT) It was wrong
to keep you and Zoya apart.

When somebody wants something and you keep it from them, they only want more.

And if they don't get it, they act out and they do crazy things.

Things that they never thought they were capable of.

The sort of stuff that I did when Nick took your mom from me.

I was not my best self. And... that is the last thing that I want for you.

Now, I am still coming to terms with you bringing them back into our lives like this, but you connected with them for a reason.

And I'm guessing that it has nothing to do with me or with Nick, and everything to do with your mom.

She would have loved that.

(JULIEN SIGHS)

This is so great.

Oh! Hey, where have you been?

We've been texting congrats all morning!

- For what?
- For whatever you did to Zoya last night.

It worked. She's withdrawing from Constance.

What?

- When?
- Right now.

Look.

MONET: Where are you going?

I ordered Jell-O sh*ts from Instagram.

(SOFT MUSIC PLAYING)

- JULIEN: Wait.
- (SIGHS)

- No, no.
- Oh. my God!

JULIEN: I just...

- She's waiting for you, Mr. Lott.
- NICK: Zoya, let's go.

Please don't make Zoya leave because of what I did.

He's not making me do anything. It was my decision.

Look, I didn't come here to hurt anybody. Especially not you.

I think it's best for all of us if I find a new school.

Can we have a minute?

You and me, we have a connection.

It's why we did all this in the first place, right?

- ZOYA: I mean, yeah, but...
- But we blew it.

Okay, mostly I blew it, but...

(EXHALES) ...I'm not ready to give up yet.

Don't leave.

Julien Elizabeth.

Zoya Jane.

If I were to stay... if...

I'd need to be able to be honest about who I am... and what I want.

Last night showed me something.

I knew it the second I saw you in that store.

All Obie ever wanted was for me to share in what he cares about.

And I never could.

But you do.

He and I don't fit anymore. It hurts, but...

I won't interfere.

Not again. Say you'll stay.

Please?

- Maybe.
- No maybes.

"Maybe" sucks. I need a yes for a change.

"Hell yes"?

GOSSIP GIRL: You often hear it said, "People don't change."

They can grow, they can learn, but change?

- Not gonna happen.
- ("ONCE UPON A TIME" BY SHAED PLAYING)

GOSSIP GIRL: Why do we tell ourselves this?

What safety is there in clinging to the belief

that what makes us who we are needs to stay the same forever?

♪ Once upon a time We were gonna fall in love ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: The world around us changes each second. And yet...

♪ We were so sure... ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: ...we're slow to accept we have to do the same.

But just as every maybe transforms into a yes

- or no, eventually...
- ♪ I tried and tried to warn you ♪

GOSSIP GIRL: ...things do change.

- ♪ That I could fall apart ♪
- GOSSIP GIRL: And we do, too,

whether we want to or not.

♪ All of my walls ♪

- (PHONE VIBRATING)
- ♪ Came crashing down on me ♪

REEMA SINGH: Well, look at that. (CHUCKLES)

KATE: We're verified.

She even shared your post from the other night and apologized for calling you a liar.

- It's still working.
- Everything in its right place.

What about Zoya's secret?

Let's hope I never have to use it.

GOSSIP GIRL: A word of warning, though.

Now that I've changed into who I was meant to be,

I'm watching even more closely.

So don't go changing to try and please me.

I see you just the way you are.

And I'll make sure you see it, too.

That's what friends are for.

XOXO,

Gossip Girl.