05x08 - Cousin Eddie

[bunniefuu]

Ugh, that shadow's back, and
it's not doing us any favors.

Should we bring the lamp in again?

Enough with the lamp,
enough with the shadow.

Let's do this already.

Sorry, but it's gotta be just right.

Plus, I'm a dad. Taking
forever with a camera

is a part of my brand.

Should I smile mouth-closed
or mouth-open?

Mouth-open. Makes you look like
you were caught mid-laugh.

This is so dumb.

We take the same Christmas
card photo every year.

And every year, our smiles
are a little different.

Yeah, but these old pajamas aren't,

and they're riding up the ol' chimney.

Well, deal with it, ya scrooge.

Look at us.

I don't normally toss out this word,

but we're real cute. [CHUCKLES]

Maybe instead of cute, we
go for funny this year.

Evan and Emery can pretend
these lights are handcuffs,

and I'll be like, "No, I'm innocent!"

Save your pranks for Halloween.

Christmas is about tradition.

Don't bring Halloween into this.

Halloween has no dog in this fight.

Okay, we're all set.

All right.

Turn on the lights, Jenny.

Three, two, one.

- Pull!
- Ugh.

- [CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

[CHRISTMAS MUSIC PLAYS]

Hey, what are you doing?

Upgrading my stocking.

I'm too old for Large Bird.

Evan and Emery can stick
with their knock-off

Biscuit Monster and Trash Grump.

Nice try. You just
want a bigger stocking

so you get more stuff.

I thought you'd like it.

It's a classic red stocking.

It used to say "Tim" in
glitter, but I picked it off.

No. Large Bird stays.

Here you go, Frosty.

Nope, too close to the rabbit.

Don't want it to eat your nose.

Can't put you next to the snow-woman.

Don't want any Christmas surprises.

Frosty's not an A-squad
ornament, hang him in the back.

You heard the lady.

It's not so bad back there.
You can get away with more.

Another Christmas in Jessica Town.

Oh, and the milliner finally
kicked her hard cider addiction.

Mm. She looks so much younger.

Each one of these
ornaments tells a story.

This pineapple symbolizes the
time we bought tropical fruit

from a gas station and all got sick.

I lost pounds.

Nicole sent me an ornament
that tells a story, too...

how there is no truer common ground

between a lesbian and a -year-old boy

than the movie "Wild Things."

We're not hanging that on the tree.

Fine, I'll just put it over my bed.

Why?

While we're on the subject of Nicole,

she asked if I could come visit
her in New York for Christmas.

The Big Apple, Concrete Jungle...

We spend Christmas together.

It's tradition.

You don't change tradition.

Every other family is a
mess during the holidays...

not us, we cruise right through it

because we are consistent.

We stick with what works.

- We'll revisit this later.
- No, we won't.

And the dance begins.

Mom, she's ready.

Ah, there she is.

Awaken, my sweet.

So we can't put "Wild Things" on,

but this old battle axe
is allowed up there?

Yes, because for years,

she's perched atop of our tree

and watched one perfect
Christmas after another.

My angel.

♪

[CLATTER]

[LAUGHS]

_

_

♪

I took the -sided dice
from "Dungeons & Dragons,"

so we are gonna be zipping
around the board.

Not if Emery can't choose his token.

Come on, we only have eight hours
blocked off for this game.

He's right, pick. This game takes days.

I can't. I love the
clean look of the iron,

but also the hat is so dapper,

and then there's the dog...
probably a rescue.

So, since Honey, Marvin,

and Nicole are in New York this year,

we have three empty
seats we need to fill

for Christmas Eve dinner.

We could do just the six of us.

We could do a thousand things,

but what we're gonna do

is what we always do,

which is nine people.

I just thought it might be easier.

Save your bad ideas for Halloween.

I am in charge of Christmas,

and my reindeer plate
set is for nine people.

We can't just leave out
Donner, Blitzen, and Rudolph.

So, each one of you boys
can bring one friend.

- Eddie is bringing Trevor.
- You mean Trent?

Sure.

Well, that's fun. Who
are you gonna invite?

Zach. He's always my go-to.

Mine's Marvin.

- Mm.
- I'm not sure.

There's Andy, Caleb, Sydney, Kate...

Here he goes again.

Can never make a decision.

[CHUCKLES] Must be tough
to have so many friends.

Dennis, Andrew, Janet who works
the register at Mervyn's...

My friend Mervyn!

No, I can't invite him
without inviting Alanis...

And then there's Bobby and Dwayne,

and what about the Spinelli twins?

How could I forget about them?

♪

[TAPE RIPPING]

Did you get a new angel?

Oh, my God, that's the same one.

They said she'd never fly again,

but she's gonna prove them all wrong.

Off of that, I was thinking
maybe I could make some

brownies with candy canes this year.

Still festive, still a sweet treat.

Plus, we get to smash some canes.

I make the cookies. You lick the bowl.

And I'll still do that,

but I figured I could help
you lessen the workload.

What's your game, Huang?

Okay, I realized that New
York was too big a swing.

So, I thought I could
help you get rid of

your fear of change...

I don't fear change. I hate it.

Right, but if we start smaller,

you might see that change
can actually be fun.

You're not going to
New York by yourself.

- You're still a kid.
- I'm not a kid.

I have shoulder hair.

Please, you still watch Ben and Jerry.

"Tom and Jerry," and I
haven't watched that cartoon

since I was eight years old.

So why do you care about
their names so much?

[SIGHS] Okay, you don't have to
decide on New York right now,

but at least consider
candy cane brownies.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you hate Christmas?

No, I love it. It's my favorite.

You know why that is?

Because I spent years perfecting it.

We have our set plan...

"Miracle on th Street,"

"The Nutcracker" ballet,

snowman pancakes, and the
hour where I sing along

with Bing Crosby after Christmas dinner.

Wait, we're still doing
"The Nutcracker"?

I thought we were done
with that snooze-fest.

Oh, we only skipped last
year because the playhouse

decided to do a
Disney-themed "Nutcracker."

Sugar plum Goofy, no thank you.

Well, can I at least skip
the ballet this year?

I mean, no need to spend
bucks for me to fall asleep.

Come on, be a little flexible.

Flexibility is not what
Christmas is about.

Commitment and tradition are.

No New York, no brownies.

[DOOR OPENS]

[EXHALES SHARPLY]

_

She won't let me do anything.

She still thinks I'm a little kid!

But I'm older now. When
will she get that?

_

_

Oh, don't tell your mom I'm
stealing her potatoes.

♪

Great idea to do breakfast on the couch.

This is like when that
lizard got into the kitchen.

It's not usually my style,
but if you can't cut loose

during the holidays, then when?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, boy, you have pink eye again?

You really need to start
washing your hands better.

I was up all night trying to figure out

who to invite to Christmas Eve.

Too hard to choose.

I can't narrow it down.

I need coffee.

And wash your hands!

Emery always has a hard
time making decisions.

Now you add in Christmas and friends?

Never gonna happen.

He's gonna need our help.

Who's Stan Mallman?

"Mail man."

- That's our mail man.
- Oh.

I can't ever remember his name.

I just say, "Yo," when I see him.

♪

Oh, are you off to your job
reporting the weather?

[LAUGHS]

Good one, Jessica.

Oh, this?

I just thought it was time to
start dressing more maturely.

You know, because I'm maturing.

And I was thinking
about what you said...

how this is the season of giving.

- Yes?
- And I feel like

I'm at an age where I need
to start giving back.

So I'm volunteering at
a homeless shelter.

Wear gloves and don't give
any personal information.

It wouldn't be who I'd give my time to,

but that is very mature of you.

What can I say? I'm growing up.

Oh, just one thing...

I'm volunteering the same
night as "The Nutcracker,"

so I can't make it. Sorry.

♪

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

♪ Up on the housetop, reindeer pause ♪

♪ Out jumps Lao Ban Santa Claus ♪

[HUMMING]

[SIGHS]

Oh.

You must be so tired from volunteering.

I am. Tough day.

I couldn't make the gravy fast enough.

Homeless people put it on everything!

Mm, that sounds hard. Drink your cocoa.

Why are you being so nice to me?

I thought you were mad because
I had to miss "The Nutcracker."

Well, I realized you were right.

- I was?
- Mm-hmm.

I do need to be more flexible.

Right, change can be good.

Like... maybe I can go
to New York after all?

[LAUGHS] Oh, God, no.

But I did flexibly change the date

of our "Nutcracker" tickets to tomorrow

so you can still come.

What?

Oh, and I had your plaid vest let out

so you can match your brothers.

[SIGHS]

It's like you want me to get b*at up.

♪ I saw Mommy kissing
Lao Ban Santa Claus ♪

♪

- Thirsty?
- Let's cut the crap.

You need to make a decision

about who to bring on Christmas Eve.

Okay. I don't know yet.

What he means is we all
got that go-to friend,

and we're gonna help you find yours.

You're in the cafeteria,

you've got half a sandwich to share.

Who do you give it to?

Um, what kind of sandwich?

PB&J. Who do you give it to?!

Easy, Evan. Take your time, Emery.

We're all on the same team here.

♪

Let's try this again.

You've been waiting in line for
a roller coaster for hours.

You finally get to the front.

Two seats in the first
car, the best car.

Who do you take?

Um, well, Caleb has really good
posture, but Andy's very...

Caleb or Andy? Just pick one!

I don't know.

Is it really hot in here?

- Maybe Ryan?
- Ryan?!

Where did Ryan come from?

Evan, hey, walk it off. Walk it off!

♪

You're having a bad hair day.
Who's your go-to?

- You, Dad.
- [SIGHS] You're damn right.

[LAUGHS]

Sorry to break up the party, ladies.

It's winter break, so we
don't have a bedtime.

And we're not going anywhere
till we find an answer.

Forget it, I'm not inviting anybody.

If it's this hard to figure out,

maybe I don't have a
go-to friend at all.

♪

Just give me ten minutes alone with him.

[TCHAIKOVSKY'S "THE
NUTCRACKER MARCH" PLAYS]

♪

♪

[SNORING]

♪

Psst! Eddie, wake up!

It's the Waltz of the Snowflakes!

Ow, you pinched me!

- No sleeping.
- What do you mean?

I sleep every year.

You want a new tradition?

Stay awake.

You like dancing so much?

Let's dance.

[MUSIC STOPS]

- [RUN-DMC'S "CHRISTMAS IN HOLLIS" PLAYS]
- _

♪ It was December th on
Hollis Ave in the dark ♪

♪ When I see a man chilling
with his dog in the park ♪

♪ I approached him very slowly
with my heart full of fear ♪

♪ Looked at his dog, oh,
my God, an ill reindeer ♪

♪ But then I was illin,
'cause the man had a beard ♪

♪ And a bag full of goodies,
o'clock had neared ♪

♪ So I turned my head a second,
and the man had gone ♪

♪ But he left his driver's
wallet smack dead on the lawn ♪

Jessica Town is now under martial law.

- Ho, ho, ho.
- ♪ Took out the license ♪

♪ And it cold said "Santa Claus" ♪

♪ A million... ♪

- [MUSIC STOPS]
- Hey!

I know what you're doing.

You're not taking over my
Christmas with your nonsense.

I don't know what you're talking about.

You're trying to break me

so you can get whatever you want.

It's never gonna happen.

Ho, ho, ho.

_

_

_

Oh, this isn't over.

I've got more tricks up my sleeve.

She may have k*lled the music,
but we're still dancing.

Her own potatoes?

♪

Hmm. I hung this gator
on the wrong spot.

It's too animal-heavy on this side.

This is a tree, not a zoo.

That's a Douglas Fir.

Keep an eye on her.
They get real thirsty.

Not now, Zach.

Maybe here...

No, not next to Santa's workshop,

I don't want him to eat any of the elves

when they step out on
a smoke break. [SIGHS]

Looks like the ornament doesn't fall far

from the Christmas tree.

This is where Emery gets
his indecisiveness from!

I know how to make a decision.

Just put the gator next
to the surfing Santa.

Perfect.

Hmm.

Oh. Who are you? Who's this?

Trent couldn't come, so I
invited Cindy from the shelter.

Great, so I'm the only
one without a guest?

Welcome. Are you Eddie's supervisor?

Oh, no, I go there to eat.

Homeless...

Cindy walked the Appalachian Trail

all the way here from New Hampshire.

Yeah, I love being homeless.

No ties, just freedom and fresh air.

And I'm friends with a
host at Olive Garden

who gives me their leftovers.

I brought you these breadsticks
to thank you for having me.

They're a little hard,
but, um, hey, so is life.

[CHUCKLES]

Cindy, can I get you some cider?

Oh. Sure.

Great tree topper, by the way.

♪

[GASPS]

You put your p*rn
ornament on my angel?!

[GLASS SHATTERING]

♪

"p*rn ornament"?

Or p*rn. Right?

_

♪

Jessica, I gotta hand it to
you, you picked a strong tree.

It really held your weight.

Cindy, Zach, Merry Christmas.

I really messed up.

Ah, it's okay. I'll talk to your mom.

Maybe this isn't the time,

but stuff like this never
happens on Halloween.

♪

[SIGHS] This tinsel is never coming out.

It lives here now...

[GROANS] as part of my hair.

Yeah, you really did a
number on that tree.

Well, now we're just
like every other family.

We let our Christmas turn into chaos.

We? [CHUCKLES]

You.

Uh... We.

I told Eddie this would happen.

You don't mess with what works,

especially on Christmas.

You know who else I
remember feeling that way?

Barbra Streisand, Jim Belushi?

Louis, I'm not in the mood to guess.

Your mother,

when you wrestled parts of
Christmas away from her.

I was just trying to
make Christmas better.

She used to wrap presents in newspaper.

Besides, I was an adult.

Well, Eddie is ' ".

[CHUCKLES]

Look, whether we like it
or not, he's growing up.

We can't force him to wear
that Christmas vest forever.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

[SIGHS]

You think Marvin came back early
from New York to surprise me?

No, I think it's Emery's friend, Caleb.

I called him.

You and Emery are both indecisive.

The difference is you have Mommy.

So I decided to be Emery's Mommy.

Wait, wife?

Husband?

Decision-maker.

Mm. So no Marvin.

Emery!

♪

What are you all doing here?

Evan called and said
you needed a friend.

And then I called Andy
who called Trish and...

well, we all wanted to be here for you.

I'm Jewish and Mervyn's closes
early on Christmas Eve,

so I was wide open.

I don't know what to say.

Thanks so much for coming.

You don't have one go-to friend,
you have a whole bunch.

- And a great wife.
- Thanks, Dad.

[CHUCKLES]

It's just like "It's a Wonderful Life."

Except you should all go.

It's Christmas Eve.

And I finally decided
who my go-to guy is.

It's you.

Who else would do all this for me?

Hey, Merry Christmas, Louis!

Yo! [LAUGHS]

[KNOCKING]

I colored over the duct
tape with a red sharpie

to be festive but now it just
looks like she's bleeding.

I'm really sorry I was such a jerk.

You're not a jerk.

You're Eddie and I'm me.

So this is gonna happen sometimes.

Look, I know you were
upset about New York...

It wasn't just New York...

you weren't open to even
the smallest change.

Listen, Eddie.

When you were first born,
your dad was working a lot

and I was overwhelmed
being a new mother.

I didn't know if I was
doing a good job or not.

But then our first Christmas,

you and I had all these
fun times together.

Our first Christmas card photo.

Man, I was a cute-ass baby.

We watched "Miracle on th Street,"

and you fell asleep on me
listening to "The Nutcracker."

That's why it makes me so sleepy!

And when you first saw this angel,

you were laughing non-stop.

It was the best sound.

It made everything feel okay.

It still does.

Now I get why you don't want to
change all these traditions.

That, and letting you
make new traditions

means admitting that you're growing up.

And that is the change I
am really not ready for.

[SIGHS]

But I guess it's gonna happen

no matter how stubborn I am.

[CHUCKLES] Sounds to me

like someone's coming around
on Christmas brownies...

Smashy smashy some canes?

Okay.

But we're not gonna call
them "reindeer patties."

- We'll revisit this.
- No, we won't.

And the dance begins...

And the dance begins...

♪

What's that mess?

EVAN: It's a dog in a top hat,

holding an iron, riding
in a wheelbarrow.

- I made it.
- That's what Evan got me for Christmas

so I don't waste any
time picking my piece.

Tennessee Avenue. Not doing it.

Did you know the oranges are the most

frequently landed-upon properties?

I'm not an orange guy. It washes me out.

The game is Monopoly,
not favorite colors.

♪

No! Don't smash us!

Save me!

I have a family!

You wanna try?

I think you'll like it.

Smash!

Feels good, right?

Yes!

Okay, no, calm down.

If you keep that up, you'll
put a hole in the bag.

♪

♪ Sing we joyous all together! ♪

♪ Fa la la la la... ♪

♪ ... la la la laaaa ♪

- So festive!
- So good!

- So loud!
- So great.

Anyway, the karaoke
machine was my present,

so maybe I can sing Aerosmith finally?

Nope. We have one more song this year.

Great, I'll just, um, play
with my new dress socks, then.

♪ It was December th on
Hollis Ave in the dark ♪

♪ When I saw a man chilling
with his dog in the park ♪

♪ I approached him very slowly
with my heart full of fear ♪

♪ Looked at his dog, oh,
my God, an ill reindeer ♪

♪ And then I was illin,
'cause the man had a beard ♪

♪ And a bag full of goodies,
o'clock had neared ♪

♪ I turned my head a second,
and the man was gone ♪

♪ But he left his driver's
wallet smack dead on the lawn ♪