05x15 - Be a Man

[bunniefuu]

[School bell rings, indistinct talking]

Excuse me.

No, Evan. We still
haven't heard from Yale

on your obscenely early
admissions request.

They'll come around.

Actually I'm here because I need
to use your phone to call my mom.

Okay, are you sick, have
you soiled yourself,

or do you have a note saying that you've

recently experienced the loss of a pet?

I left my recreational reading at home.

I wanted to finish "The Art of w*r"

before my fencing match today,

and I planned to read
/ pages at lunch.

I'm gonna mark you down for "sick".

[Buttons beeping]

[Phone dialing]

- Hello?
- Grandma?

I need to talk to Mommy.

Jessica: You don't need
to get me on the phone.

I'm right here.

Mommy? Oh, no.

Am I having the dream again?

Pinch yourself. I'm real.

I'm your new principal.

That's not technically
or even remotely true.

The PTA wasn't giving me enough
power over the teachers,

so I'm shadowing Principal Hunter

to see if I want to take his job.

A job like mine at a different school.

Sure.

Grandma: _

Hairy-chested, like I like them.

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey, you don't know
where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

Eddie is going to be taking
you to your fencing match

- since I'm busy being principal.
- Shadowing the principal.

He can bring your w*r book then.

Great, now there's gonna be a
bunch of drawings of boobs in it.

Let's get you back to class, kiddo.

I take the long way with honor students

so they don't have to walk by the
"In School Suspension" kids.

[Groaning]

[Shudders]

I don't want kids like Evan

getting bad ideas from
the "trouble bubble".

We should just move the trouble
bubble to the long way

so we, the smart people,
can take the short way.

'Kay, there's no "we".

It's called "shadowing" because
you stay silently behind me,

not giving opinions.

Shadows aren't sentient.

Peter Pan's was.

Good boy.

I'm lending Honey all our throw pillows

- while she goes on bed rest.
- Great idea.

We all need to be supportive of Honey

until the human inside
her is fully cooked.

Bed rest is just a precaution

because baby number two is
coming so soon after Maria.

Doc wants me to lie low

since my vaginal walls are
structurally compromised...

Doctors!

- Been there.
- Cool, bye.

These pillows are perfect.

I know it's bed rest, but
I'm gonna be on the couch.

Marvin got HBO to help me pass the time.

- [Whistles, chuckles]
- Yeah.

Have you heard of that
new show "The Sopranos"?

It's crazy good.

Like, you want to punch
a wall it's so good.

- Oh, I've heard great things...
- We're not getting HBO.

If I want to see
Italians being ruthless,

I'll just watch the boys
playing "Super Mario Bros."

Well, they're always
airing "The Sopranos".

You should come over and watch it.

Oh, I would love to, but
I promised my mother

I'd help catch a rat she
saw in her apartment.

Louis! It's getting worse.

It took the toy!

[Laughs]

Jessica: You are an hour late.

We were supposed to watch "Mulan".

Yes! It's about time

Disney made a movie about Asian people.

Freaking mermaids and lions got
representation before we did.

Well, to be fair,

mermaids and lions were
around before we were.

Well, now the whole
schedule is thrown off.

Evan won his fencing match, so I
took him to the arcade to celebrate.

I got some nacho cheese on his mask,

- but I'll get it out.
- Celebrate?

Evan always wins his matches.

He's undefeated.

Winning is average for him,

and in this family, we
don't celebrate average.

Then why does Dad do a dance

every time he opens a pickle jar?

[Sighs]

I know you wanted to come right home,

my perfect little boy.

Remember, you don't have to go along

with your brother's bad ideas.

Bad ideas? We used his épée to get
quarters out of the change machine.

Go watch "Mulan" at your grandma's.

And tuck your feet under you!
I don't want you coming back

with rat bites on your toes!

- [Sighs]
- [Door closes]

You should know better than
keeping him out all hours.

What's the big deal? It's the arcade.

And it's : PM! That's how it starts!

It goes arcade, pool hall, drug
corner, -to- in the pen.

-to- with a good attorney.

I just don't want you
poisoning pure, sweet Evan

with your screw-up juice.

Whatever. I'm gonna
go sweep under my bed

for loose CHEETOS.

- All right, that'll work.
- Thanks for helping

- with rat supplies, Marvin.
- Yeah.

Last night, it perched
on top of a cabinet

- and we got into a staring contest.
- [Laughs]

I think it winked at me.

Well, I had to get good at
catching rats in my Navy days.

If Cookie got to them first,
it was vermin stew for days.

And he'd say the tiny bones
were quail, but we all knew.

- [Groans]
- [Laughs]

Truth is, I'm terrified of rats.

But I can't let my mother
see any sign of weakness.

That woman likes to tease,
and her jibes have teeth.

Yeah, well, some of the meals
Cookie made had teeth, too.

[Chuckles]

Say, why don't I help
you catch that rat?

I'd rather do that than sit
and watch any more TV.

Marvin, are you seeing this?

You mean Allen wrenches
in the ratchet bin?

This place is a damn mess.

No, not that. This! We should switch!

You mean I catch the rat,
you watch "The Sopranos"?

[Laughs]

Genius! Yes! [Laughs]

Okay. All right.

Wait, why are you putting
everything back?

Well, if I'm gonna do the rat catching,

I want it to be a fair fight.

[Basket clatters]

I'll bare-hand this thing.

[School bell rings]

The staff will invite you
to after-work drinks,

but it's just a trap to get secrets.

I will trick them and drink water
and get all their secrets.

So, maybe we up your sessions.

What's going on here?

Evan was disrupting his classroom.

Because the other students are jealous

of his superior knowledge.

The boy can't help that
fools covet his intellect.

No, because he made repeated fart noises

during Ms. Duggan's lecture on
"Where the Red Fern Grows".

[Fart noise]

[Sighs] Where did you get that?

I won it at the arcade. Eddie
helped me pick it out.

[Scoffs] Eddie, of course.

Well, you leave me no
choice. Evan Huang,

you are suspended from all
extra-curricular activities.

But my fencing match tomorrow!

He has a perfect record!

I'm sorry, but this is the
hardest part of the job.

This and breaking up pee
fights in the boys' bathroom.

Evan, why would you do this?

[Fart noise]

Sorry. She's jammed.

I'll deal with this at home.

You're grounded!

- What?
- Pickles, anyone?

Because the jar...
is... open! [Chuckles]

[Singsong voice] I opened the jar.

The jar is open.

I opened the jar, all by myself.

You can't ground me! I
didn't do anything wrong!

Oh, you didn't encourage your brother

to buy a fart machine and
then use it in class?

What?

That's awesome! What a little gangster!

This is your bad influence. Eh.

I would've played that
baby over the P.A.,

but, hey, you gotta start somewhere.

For real.

I'm sorry Evan messed up
at school, and I'm...

I'm sure it's hard for you,
but it's not my fault.

Disagree.

From now on, you're not
allowed to be alone with Evan

without adult supervision.
That means me.

Pickle Man doesn't count.

What?! That's complete B.S.

So he got in trouble.

Evan could use some trouble in his life.

It builds character!

Character is for cartoons,

like that wolf who can never
catch that tall bird.

Why do you need an anvil?
Poison his fruit.

Just stay away from Evan.

[Exhales sharply]

You know, I saw a wolf
fall off a cliff once!

It was not funny!

Just brushing up on my New Jersey
geography for "The Sopranos".

Don't want any turnpike
jokes going over my head.

It must be so easy in there.

Look, I'm worried about Evan, too,

but it all seems pretty harmless.

It isn't just today.

Evan's .

That's the age Eddie
was when we lost him,

and now Evan is walking
down that same dark path.

[Wind gusts]

Evan, your eggs are ready!

[Hip-hop music plays]

Moms, check it. Fresh as hell, right?

Mom, check it. Fresh as hell, right?

[Music slows]

[Dramatic music plays]

♪♪

I can't let that happen.

Tomorrow, I'm gonna nip this in the bud.

You know, I never
understood that expression.

Buds turn into flowers.

So why do we say it about bad things?

Are you doing stand-up again?

I told you, you're too old for that.

♪

My understanding from Dr. Cusamano,

your family physician,
is that you collapsed...

I think we got the
better end of this deal.

- [Chuckles]
- We get to watch this incredible show

- while those two catch a rat.
- [Both laugh]

I can't imagine what they're
even talking about.

Well, my mom's probably
making fun of someone.

We're still hearing about the day
Emery came home wearing a kilt.

[Chuckles] Well, and
Marvin's probably gossiping.

I can't hear any more about
Carol-Joan's fake front teeth.

Some poor fool is being raked
over the coals by those two.

[Both chuckle, door opens]

It turns out bare-handing the
rat catching was a bad idea.

- [Drawer opens]
- Papa needs his work gloves.

Hey, if you run out of things
to talk about with my mom,

get her started on how
much she hates denim.

Oh, we won't run out of things
to talk about, Dice man.

[Door opens, closes]

Did he just called you "Dice man"?

Um, no, I don't think so.

I'm pretty sure he did.

No, I think he was talking to you.

Marvin will just tell you
tonight anyway, so...

I'm Dice man.

Back in the ' s, I
loved Andrew Dice Clay,

and I would lip-sync along to his albums

to whoever would watch,

which was mostly just my mother.

[Crowd cheers]

Clay: Jack and Jill went up the hill,

both with a buck and a quarter.

Jill came down with $ . .

- Oh!
- [Cheers and applause]

- [As Andrew Dice Clay] Oh!
- Mm-hmm.

And who knows what other embarrassing
stories they're telling.

There was the Weedwacker incident,

the Shetland pony,

my one-man show.

[Sighs]

My two-man show.

Who was the other man?

It was me in a mirror.

"Two Lous". [Sighs]

I can't believe I put my mother
and my best friend together

with no chaperone.

We should never have encouraged
her to learn English.

Well, look, maybe you should just

go over there and talk to them.

Well, then they'll talk about how I'm

"the guy who goes over there".

Tony Soprano would know what to do.

Son, I'm going to need
you to wear a wire.

[School bell rings]

I have to say,

shadowing you has been very educational.

Do all principals get laughed at
by students as much as you do?

No, ma'am.

You.

You can't touch me now, old man.

I'm out of your jurisdiction.

I can't touch any of the
students outside of high-fives.

And even then, I have to ask first.

- Most kids say no.
- Hmm.

You can high-five me.

- Psych! [Laughs]
- Eddie, get to the point.

[Principal Hunter and Eddie sigh]

The fart machine incident was my fault.

Evan is blameless.

I put him up to it, for
I am a bad influence.

Therefore, I should receive
the punishment, not he.

That was better in the car.

But you see, Principal
Hunter, Evan is innocent.

Of course Eddie is at
the bottom of this!

The kid who put roast beef
in all of my file folders.

You remembered!

So, can we clear Evan's record

so he can participate in
the fencing match today?

Yes.

The last thing I want is a blemish

on an honor student's transcripts.

Come on, Eddie, let's go
tell Evan the good news.

So, am I ungrounded?

Yes, but you're on a short leash...

One of those retractable ones

where you think you're not on
a leash, but then you are.

- [Tape stretching]
- [Sighs]

Do we really need this tape recorder?

Can't I just tell you what Grandma
and Marvin are saying about you?

What? Son, no.

We need hard proof. Otherwise,
they'll just deny it.

[Exaggerated Italian accent]
The way "Christophuh"

denied sh**ting the
cannoli guy's foot off.

- Great scene.
- It's the writing.

Fine. You're just lucky you caught me

on my chest-shaving day!

My front is as smooth as glass.

Perfect.

Come on, little buddy.

Come to Papa.

[Stiffly] Yo.

How's it going in here?

Dad sent me to help with the rat.

So, what are you guys talking about?

- Oh, wait.
- [Button clicks]

So, whatcha guys talking about?

You! They were talking about you.

You were right. I
recorded the whole thing.

I knew it!

[Exhales sharply]

Let's go shake down
those Chatty Cathies.

[School bell rings]

Ah, middle school.

Right over there is where I gave Brian

the biggest wedgie of his life.

God, we were so young.

Hey, Evan.

What are you doing here?

[Singsong voice] Good news.

You get to play in your
fencing match this afternoon.

- What?!
- I took the hit for you, bro.

So next time Mom tells
me to take a shower

and I don't feel like it,
you're hopping in there.

I-I can't fight today.

- What are you talking about?
- Don't worry,

I got the cheese smell
out of your helmet.

- You're good to go.
- No!

Look.

I got myself suspended
from fencing on purpose

so I wouldn't have to
fight today's match.

I knew exactly what I was doing
with that flatulence emulator.

What? W-W-Why would you do that?

[Sighs]

She's why.

You don't want to fight a girl?

No, I don't want you to see me lose.

I can't b*at Carla.

She'll ruin my perfect record,
and I can't not be perfect!

Sorry, Mom... about the double negative.

Whoa!

I'm not the bad influence on Evan.

Evan, you come out here right now

- and fight this girl!
- Mom, I don't think

this is how a principal
is supposed to behave.

Shadow principal!

A shadow principal who puts
too much pressure on her son

and now he's terrified to lose.

I only want him to be the absolute best

at everything he does all
the time. Is that so wrong?

Yes!

Evan needs to learn to chill,

or he won't be able to
roll with the punches

when things don't go perfect for him.

"Chilling" is just giving
yourself permission to fail.

That might be your technique,
but it's not mine.

Well, your method just sent Evan
running into the boys' locker room.

He hates that place.

- He usually changes in the car.
- I need to go talk to him.

Well, this is the boys' locker
room, and you're not a boy.

Or am I?

What are you doing?

I'm cutting off my beautiful
hair so I can pass for a boy.

Why isn't this sword sharp?

- Let me handle this.
- [Epée clatters]

Chii. Chii-chii-chii-chii.

Chii-chii.

I'm replicating the rat's mating call.

Chii-chii-chii-chii.

Well, don't do it too good,

or they'll be all over
you like bears on honey.

[Both laugh] Aha!

- Caught in the act!
- What are you talking about?

You've been in here
gossiping behind my back

like a couple of biddies
folding laundry.

Emery recorded the whole thing.

- Narc.
- No, don't change the subject.

This is about you two betraying me.

I have proof. Listen.

[Breathing heavily]

Emery, why are you breathing so
hard? I can't hear anything.

It was my first time
undercover. I was nervous.

[Laughs] I didn't know Dad did that.

That's hilarious, Grandma.

Emery, you too?

It was really funny.

Your two-man show sounded great.

"Two Lous"? Who wouldn't
want to watch that?

The Washington Post, for one.

"Two Louis Huangs is two too many."

Come on, Emery. Let's go.

[Sighs heavily]

You're really not gonna
fight this fight?

No, because if I lose, which I will,

Mom will be crushed.

That's not gonna happen.

Really?

You think I have a chance to b*at Carla?

Oh, no, she'll destroy you.

You'll probably cry.

But Mom will be fine.

She loves you no matter what.

In fact, she's out there right now

trying to saw her hair off so she
can come in and talk to you.

Like Mulan.

Yeah, like Mulan. Exactly.

You love that movie, right?

Other than the dragon being named Mushu

and fireworks saving the day, sure.

Yes, it's not perfect,

but it's more about female
empowerment anyway.

Mulan's a badass.

She made me feel things.

We'll get to that later.

The point is,

nobody wanted Mulan to go to
w*r because she's a girl.

Even though she's an amazing soldier.

If you refuse to fight Carla,

you're robbing her of
that chance to be Mulan.

[Gasps]

I never thought of it that way.

I'm the patriarchy!

Yeah, you're the... that.

Thanks, Eddie.

Now I need to go out there
and give it my best sh*t,

even if I get my patootie kicked.

Apologies for the locker-room talk.

Boys will be boys.

["Woke Up This Morning
(Chosen One)" plays]

♪ Woke up this morning ♪

♪ Got yourself a g*n ♪

I'm like Tony.

Can't trust nobody.

Yeah.

I would really love to hear all about it

when "Arli$$" comes on.

[Door opens]

We caught the rat!

[Laughs]

I count three rats.

The one in the bag and the two of you.

To be clear, I'm calling you rats.

[Sighs]

Louis, let us explain.

We were talking about you.

Sharing our favorite Louis stories

because the love of you is the
only thing we have in common.

_

_

Lip-syncing Dice is genius!

I'm gonna try it with Don Rickles.

Please don't.

_

_

[Chuckles] Aww, Mom.

I guess I got a little
paranoid about family

talking behind my back.

Watching "The Sopranos" didn't help.

I was only laughing at
that "Two Lous" story

because it sounded hilarious.

Well, it was a searing drama,
but that means a lot.

Um,

could you two just hug
and shut up, please?

- [Chuckles] Yeah.
- [Chuckles]

[Stammers] What the hell...
bring it to the front.

All right. [Both laugh]

I let the rat out.

W-Why?

Because I wanted to look at him.

[Shudders]

I'm ready to fight the match.

Oh. Maybe you can be a good influence.

I have my moments. Don't count on me!

I'm sorry I used a fart machine
to get out of fencing.

It's okay.

I'm proud of you for going
through with the match.

Even if I lose?

Even if you lose.

[Fart noise]

Still works!

Come on, Evan! s*ab her!

s*ab her in the heart!

Popcorn?

Why are you being nice to me?

After spending the
week with your mother,

I get it.

Yesterday, when I got home, I
said awful things to my cat.

Unforgivable.

You get used to her.

[Sighs] ♪ Let's get down to business ♪

- ♪ To defeat ♪
- Referee: Salute.

♪ The Huns ♪

♪ Did they send me daughters ♪

♪ When I asked for sons? ♪

- Fence.
- ♪ Be a man ♪

♪ We must be swift as a coursing river ♪

- ♪ Be a man ♪
- [Device beeps]

♪ With all the force ♪

- ♪ Of a great typhoon ♪
- [Beeping]

- ♪ Be a man ♪
- [Beeping continues]

Match.

[Murmuring]

- Good match.
- Good match.

Wonderful use of parry.

You'll get me next time.

- I don't know...
- You won't.

I was just being nice.

[Sighs]

Gotta hand it to you,
Evan... you didn't cry.

That's what the mask is for.

What are you two waiting for?

The arcade's only open for another hour.

Go celebrate.

Really? But I lost.

Yes, but you lost perfectly.

Come on, Bro. I'll show you
where Principal Hunter

keeps his keys to his filing
cabinet on the way out.

So I can keep track of the
Yale application myself.

I try.

Marvin, Ma, I'm sorry I doubted you.

Emery, sorry I taped a recording
device to your chest.

- It left a mark.
- Honey's here, too.

Sorry I talked over "The Sopranos".

To make it up to all of you,

I wanted to present my two-man show.

Since you love sharing Lou stories,

this will give you a lot to chew on.

"Two Lous" by Louis Huang.

Growing up in Taiwan,
nothing comes easy.

[Gruffly] Shut up, you baby!

[Normal voice] Who said that?

[Gruffly] You said that!

[Exhales shakily]

Okay, I don't know what to do.

Just kiss her, you fool.

[Whispering] You said this was good.

[Whispering] I remembered wrong.

I can't believe I'm alone on Christmas.

You're never alone...

[Southern accent] Let me live, Mama!

[Femininely] Maybe if you acted
like a man for once in your life.

[Breathing heavily]

[Slurring] You're drunk
again, aren't you?

[Laughs] I'm not drunk!

You're drunk!

We're drunk!

I wish I was drunk.

Yeah, this is the only way I
can get through this. Here.

We love ya, Lou!

Both of you! Bravo! Bravo! [Applause]

All right, thank you very much.

Now it's time for act two.