04x07 - The Day After Thanksgiving

[bunniefuu]

Okay, Connie. We've talked enough.

[TELEPHONE BEEPS]

Why are you making that face?

What are you reading?

My mom's homework for her English class.

Listen to what she put
down for the answers...

"The loaf of bread is... sad."

"The puppy is... broken."

"The seashells are... all dead."

I know, she's a terrible student.

I think she's lonely.

It's tough being her age
at this time of the year.

Statistically.

The holiday blues.

Louis, I know your mother.

She's not lonely.

Her English isn't good
because she never practices.

Except when she swears at the mailman

because her coupons are late.

[BLEEP] [BLEEP] [BLEEP]

[BLEEP] Twice!

I'll say this,
her English is great when she swears.

It's a different part of her brain.

So, I just told my sister

we're not going to her
house for Thanksgiving

because we're opening the
restaurant again this year.

Mm.

I wish we could just jump to
the day after Thanksgiving.

Black Friday.

No relatives.

Christmas songs come on the radio.

Tupperware bulging with leftovers.

Me and Honey finally
outsmarting the shopping lines.

We'll use your mother's wheelchair

and cut straight to the front.

I'm gonna take a bed nap
and a couch nap that day.

I am going to get us a
brand-new fridge for so cheap.

[SIGHING] The day after Thanksgiving.

[SIGHS]

There's nothing better.

This is a nightmare!
I hope you're happy!

Me?! This is all your fault!

Look what you did to him!

This is on you! You did this!

[HAUNTINGLY] ♪ I love you,
you love me ♪

♪ We're a happy family ♪

- Why would you say it's my fault?!
- Because it's your...

[DISH CLATTERS]

Go screw.

At least I wasn't doing it for selfish
reasons.

It's always "Eddie, Eddie, Eddie!"

- When is it ever your fault?!
- You pressured it...

S E
The Day After Thanksgiving

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go ♪

♪ If you don't know,
homey, now you know ♪

♪ Fresh off the boat ♪

♪ Homey,
you don't know where I come from ♪

♪ But I know where I'm goin' ♪

♪ I'm fresh off the boat ♪

It's not my fault.

Your nails have ridges
like potato chips.

Grandma?

I know a movie you should do

for your ESL final monologue...

"The Sandlot."


Mom, can you take me to
the Teacher Supply Store?

I need a -hole punch,

one with some cojones.

I can't. I'm busy.

Fine. I'll walk.

Not by yourself, you won't.

Why not?

I'm in middle school now.
Just like Emery.

It's different. Emery's older.

You skipped a grade.

Because I'm so mature.

You just had me buy you a
Barney the Dinosaur lamp.

A plain lamp or a lamp
with an icon on it

for the same price.

[SCOFFS] I mean, really, where am I?

Ask one of your brothers
if they'll take you.

Otherwise, you can't go.

[SIGHS] Cut the cord already.

_

_

[DOOR OPENS AND CLOSES]

"One Crazy Summer." Joel Murray.
Any line. They're all brilliant.

Bill Murray's brother?

Brian Doyle-Murray's brother?

There's three of them?

Ugh, my God.

Dinner at the Murrays'
must have been exhausting.

Everybody trying so hard
while pretending not to.

I got some bad news.

Matthew Chestnut said we can't

- open the restaurant on Thanksgiving.
- Why not?

Apparently the holiday's
sacred to Kenny Rogers.

Something about being
part Native American,

and how he lost his virginity
on that day.

Folksy.

Yeah, well, there goes our excuse

to get out of Thanksgiving.

What do we do now?

Well, my family's in D.C.

They won't know if we worked or not.

Yeah...

I'll smash the cordless and
siphon the gas from the car,

say we're victims of a
holiday crime wave...

Couldn't call even if we wanted.

Or we just don't say anything

and they'll assume we worked.

Yeah. That's a good plan, too.

Now we don't have to
suffer work or family,

and I can focus on Black Friday.

Me and Honey are deciding

who's gonna push the
other in the wheelchair.


What? Why?


[SIGHS]


Hmm?

[COINS CLATTERING]

Hey.

I need you guys to take me

to the Teacher Supply Store.

Forget it.

We're going to the mall.

You're welcome to come.

It's my first Thanksgiving since

Alison and I broke up.

I can't risk the blues.

This time of the year is the
toughest on single teenagers.

Statistically.

He said he heard it on "Povich."

Maury does his research.

I need a distraction,

so we're gonna hit up
the holiday ice rink.

It's always a sea of girls.

They don't open the rink until Friday,

so you can take me to
the supply store now.

No. We're going to the
mall to shop for socks.

Who buys socks a month
out from Christmas?

Socks are Santa's job.

I need pimp socks.

The skate changing area is co-ed.

I can't walk around in these...
chump things.

You need to cut your toenails.

I'm talking about taking
your body to heaven

and sending your mind south.

I'm talking about spoiling you so bad

you'll hate every other woman you touch.

I'm talking about my
mouth on your mouth,

and my tongue anywhere you...

All right, cut.

[APPLAUSE]

Let's hear it for Donnie...

channeling his inner Streisand.

And now, for our final act of
ESL's Night-Out-At-The-Movies,

we have Jenny Huang reciting
from Tim Burton's "Batman."

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

Looks live I saved the best for last.

Professor.

Gotham is a lucky city tonight.

[CLEARS THROAT]

Let me tell you about this guy I know,
Jack.

I've never seen so many socks.

They had a whole section
devoted to frogs!

The mall... It's got everything.

Except a -hole punch worth a damn.

Hey, want to see that movie?

"I Know What You Did Last Summer"?

It's rated R.

Walter works at the theater.
He'll let us in.

Evan's too young to
see an R-rated movie.

I saw my first R when I was .

"The Fabulous Baker Boys."

Evan's not like you.

Yeah, he skips grades,

shops at teacher stores,
and he uses napkins.

He's way more mature than I was.

He's book smart, not street smart.
Exactly.

And it's our job as older
brothers to toughen him up.

I don't know.

Evan.

Would you like to go see "Flubber"

or "I Know What You Did Last Summer"?

Both have really strong casts.

Mom would want you to see the
little kids' movie "Flubber."

You should definitely go see that.

I'm not a little kid.

I'm a pre-tween.

"Flubber" can go flub itself.

Yes!

Hey, great job up there, Mom.

I mean, Bruce Wayne.

[AS MICHAEL KEATON]
"Now you wanna get nuts?

C'mon, let's get nuts."

Mom?

Jenny,
you told me you didn't have any kids.

She did?

You did?

[LAUGHS HEARTILY]

[CHUCKLING]

You got me!

You must be Louis.

Bernard.

I've heard a lot about you.

Well, it's nice to meet you.

My mom can't say enough
about your class.

- And you.
- Well, the pleasure was all mine.

A model student.

I can't believe it's almost over.

- I'm gonna miss her.
- Miss her?

Only a final exam left,

and then she'll flap out of my life.

Like the Batman.

[LAUGHS HEARTILY]

I invited Bernard to Thanksgiving!

So now I have to race around

and whip up a Thanksgiving dinner

because you invited
your mother's teacher?

Jessica, I have never seen
my mom this happy ever.

Bernard is the answer to her loneliness.

Come on, Louis, wake up!

She's just trying to work him for an
"A."

But the goal is to improve her English.

Why would she care about her grade?

Because she's a human.

Everybody wants an "A."

No, you should have seen them.
The connection was obvious.

You could tell he was interested,

but he's clearly an honorable man.

He didn't want to cross
the teacher-student line.

Like Amy Fisher, the Long Island Lolita.

No, that's way off.
Buttafuoco was her mechanic.

The point is, they both need a chance

to get to know each
other outside of class.

So take them on a boat ride!

I am not going...

Jessica!

_

_

_

Hmm?

But you've never offered
to pay for anything.

Ever.

_

Mm, no, you didn't.

_

Clean cotton.

[LAUGHTER ON TELEVISION]

Have you talked to Evan?

"I Know What You Did Last Summer"

really messed him up.

He had nightmares all night.

It's a horror movie.

It's supposed to scare you.

What if the stress gets to be too much

and he cries to Mom,

says that we took him
to an R-rated movie?

Bye-bye, ice skating.

- Bye-bye, gentleman socks.
- Pimp socks.

Pimping is not all goblets and dancing.

It's women suffering, Eddie.

We need to talk to him.

Make sure he's okay.

Help him through it.

Hey, Evan, want to go ride bikes?

So we can accidentally hit a fisherman

and pay for it with our lives?

No, thanks.

And if you were smart,
you wouldn't go either.

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

Knock knock!

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh, you mean, Happy Drinks-giving.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]

This is one of my top-five
drinking holidays.

I am going all-out.

It could be the last one I get
to enjoy before I'm pregnant.

Yeah, could be.

Well, if you make it past noon,

you're welcome to come over to my house.

Well, thanks, but we already made plans.

I thought you guys weren't
having Thanksgiving this year.

Well, Louis invited his
mother's ESL teacher over,

so she's cooking the
whole meal by herself.

She is?

But she'll miss the Macy's Parade.

- VCR'ing it.
- Oh, damn.

It's like she's a whole other person...

Courteous, polite, kind.

Just the type of person we can convince

into letting us borrow her wheelchair.

I'll drink a sh*t to that.

You too, Emily.

Keep pace.

_

Boys!

Okay, everyone on their best behavior.

This is important to Grandma.

Is someone gonna search him for a Kn*fe?

What?

He's kidding. Making a joke.

No jokes. [DOORBELL RINGS]

GRANDMA: Oh!

_

Hello, teacher!

Gobble, gobble. As the turkey says.

Happy Thanksgiving, Jenny.

Louis. Boys.

Hello, Jessica.

Hello, Bernard. Welcome.

Happy Thanksgiving.

I brought a chilled
bottle of Sauvignon Blanc

and Jenny's last homework assignment...

an "A."

"A."

Uh, well, one for inside the fridge.
One for outside.

[LAUGHS HEARTILY]

Yes! Yes!

Amazing!

Let's eat!

Teacher on vacay!

Okay, well, come inside.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum, yum.

Yum, yum, yum, yum.

Ore-gone.

Orr-eh-gan.

Ore-gone.

Orr-eh-gan.

Mrs. Dash, huh?

Where's Mr. Dash?

[LAUGHS HEARTILY]

You see, Oliver...

in this life, one thing counts.

In the bank, large amounts.

♪ I'm afraid these
don't grow on trees ♪

♪ You've got to pick
a pocket or two ♪

♪ You've got to pick a pocket or two,
boys ♪

[FALSETTO] ♪ Large amounts
don't grow on trees ♪

♪ You've got to pick
a pocket or two ♪

[LAUGHS HEARTILY]

[LAUGHS HEARTILY]

[LAUGHS HEARTILY]

[BURPS]

[FORK CLINKS]

[TELEVISION CHATTER]

Grandma's new boyfriend.

Oof.

Hey, Evan...

want to watch the parade with us?

Grandma taped it.

- No, thanks.
- Come on.

Some nice family friendly
entertainment never hurt anyone.

Hey, there's the Rugrats!

And Sonic the Hedgehog!

See? No scary bad guys here.

Just like real life.

Yep. It's all good.

No need to tell Mom anything, right?

Shh! I'm trying to watch.

Barney's up next!

MAN: Oh, there's another gust.

It's so windy.

They better hold on.

[ CROWD SCREAMING]

Oh no, Barney!

Oh, he's been gutted!

And it looks like the cops
are going in with knives

to slice up the rest of him.

[SCREAMING]

Well, pie time.

- You done with that?
- Um, I...

Can't let your mom's good
work go to waste, right, son?

Yum, yum. Mmm!

You know,
I was just thinking how much better

your homework would look
on a brand-new fridge.

I hope there's one still left

by the time I get to the
front of the line tomorrow.


Oh.

Oh, I couldn't.

I know you're not comfortable with it.


Jessica, can I speak with you a moment?

BERNARD: May I speak with you a moment.

I can't take it anymore.
We have to get rid of him.

Oh, come on, he's not that bad.
Not that bad?

[AS BERNARD] Yum, yum, yum.

Yum, yum, yum, yum, yum. Yum, yum.

Okay,
what about your mother's happiness?

I thought you said she was lonely.

[NORMAL VOICE] Well, I was all for it

until I realized it might be permanent.

He called me his son.

Can you imagine dealing
with that clown every day?

Do you hear how selfish you sound?

Who are you kidding?

You're only putting up with him

so you could use her wheelchair

to jump the Black Friday line.

Okay, fine!

I admit that,
and I'm not gonna let you blow it

just 'cause you can't handle a little...

energy.

[AS BERNARD] A-yum yum yum
yum yum yum yum yum yum yum...

Stop it! Okay. Okay.

We just have to suck it
up for a few more hours.

Then I get my chair,
and your mother stays happy.

[NORMAL VOICE] You're right.
You're right.

Besides, she's gonna be over him

as soon as she gets an
"A" in that class.

I told you, the grade doesn't matter.

Their diploma is a button that says
"Hooray!"

Where's Bernard?

Too much.

Broke up.

[CHUCKLING] Oh, thank the lord!

I'm sorry, Mom, but you're better off.

He was the worst.

It's like, read the room, pal.

You're annoying as hell.

Okay, Louis, that's enough.

You think three Murray
brothers is a lot?

He was like Murray
brothers rolled into one,

with five Martin Shorts.

Mom, you could do so much better.

BERNARD: I believe she meant to say

I "ate too much," and that I "threw up."

I give this family... an "F."

Sorry about your bathroom.

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

Louis, how could you?
[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Don't you care about your mother at all?

Or is it just Louis,
Louis, Louis all the time?

[ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

HONEY: [SLURRED] Hey, Jess-nuts!

Just checkin' in to see if
you tricked Ol' Wheely Wheels

to lend you her steel so we
can cut asses in line mañana,

get you that new fridge!

Let a bitch know, bitch!
Whoooo... [ANSWERING MACHINE BEEPS]

MAN: Oh, there's another gust.

Hey, Ma. We heated up some of
the delicious turkey you made.

Want us to make you a plate?


- She's still mad at us.
- Yep. Yep.

Oh, Grandma, don't watch this part!


Why would you do that?


Hmm. I'm always the balloon.

Eddie and Emery tricked me
into seeing a scary movie.

Is that from "Batman"?

Even leftovers don't taste good.

Well, just put them in that dull,
tiny fridge

with no crisper that we're
stuck with until next year.

None of this would have happened
if my mom had learned her verbs.

I don't blame her, anyway.
I blame Honey.

That drunk.

Sad. Drinking that much on Thanksgiving.

[BOTTLE CLATTERS]

[SNORING]

One of us should apologize to my mom.

Yeah.

And it should be the person
who is really at fault...

You.

What are you doing? Holding up a mirror.

Do you see yourself?

You took advantage of
a woman's happiness

so you could use her wheelchair.

Well, what about you?

Every second with the love connections,

always trying to be that chubby
baby fatso with the wings.

- Cupid.
- If you hadn't meddled,

we wouldn't have hosted Thanksgiving

and everything would be fine!

At least I wasn't doing it
for selfish reasons like you.

I was trying to be nice.

My mom was lonely,
and I wanted to help her.

No one is lonely, Louis.

That's not a real thing.

I'm telling you,
she was just doing it for the grade.

And if it weren't for you,
I'd have a new fridge...

What is it?

Hmm? Oh, you're into my socks, girl?

Thank you.

Yeah,
I would like to come back to your house

for some hot chocolate
and light kissing.

[CHUCKLES]

Do you feel a little
bad going ice skating

after what we did to Evan?

No.

Ah, just who I was looking for.

You two are taking me to
the Teacher Supply Store.

No way! We're just about to go skating.

If you refuse, I'll tell Mom
you took me to an R-rated movie.

Are you blackmailing us?

If putting a label on it helps
you swallow it, then sure.

Sometimes you're the Kn*fe.
Sometimes you're the balloon.

Now, chop chop, you balloons.

Mom will never believe you.

It's two against one,

our word versus yours.

Versus this ticket stub.

Still think scrapbooking is a joke?

[KNOCK ON DOOR, DOOR OPENS]

Got a sec?

[DOOR CLOSES]

I thought you hated the
way I painted your nails.


I saw your homework assignment.

"My favorite hobby is...

doing nails with Jessica."

But we're not even
friendly with each other.

You don't even look at
me when I do your nails.


Always crying during sports.


I'm sorry I told you I liked Bernard

so I could use your wheelchair.

I hope we didn't mess
things up with him.


[LAUGHS] I knew it!

[SIGHS]

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

I know it's late,

but do you want to go shopping with me?

All the good sales are over,
but who knows...

We might see somebody get trampled.

I'd like that.

Hey.

I'm ready for Black Friday!

I just...
I needed a little hair of the dog.

Here.

Mm.

Hey, so did I come over yesterday?

Were we all together?

'Cause things are a bit hazy.

At some point, I think I made nachos.

And I also recall doing a load
of laundry in my underwear.

And then I think I tried
to go for a run, and...

Sure did.

Ooh! Ooh!

And then I woke up in bed under
the covers with my shoes on.

And my hair was wet for some reason.

And Marvin's not talking to me,

which isn't a great sign.

Yeah, so...

did we hang out at all?

[GULPING]