Christmas Special: Dear Santa Claus, Go f*ck Yourself (2004)

[bunniefuu]

- I don't really get into
the Christmas spirit that well.

It's just everyone is too
stressed out this time of year.

Nobody just wants to hang out.

Ricky coming home this year,
that might be make it better.

It's just kind of a lonely
time of year for me.

What are you doing?

Give me my yarn back.
That's not for f*cking with.

Every Christmas,

it's the same thing.
This present's staring me

in the face
saying, Open me, open me.

But... I said I wouldn't open it

until I was with my family.

And you never know,

this might be the year
that they come back, maybe.

- Yeah, Bubbles has had
that present for years.

His parents left it for them
the year they went away.

And he doesn't want to open it
until they come back

which is actually pretty sad
because they aren't going to.

But I guess he knows that.
He just likes to hang on to it

and think about his family
at Christmas time, you know.

- All right,
I'll see you later on.

- Wait. Where are going?
- Just going out.

- Well, wait for me.

- Merry Christmas, Jules.

Got you a little something.

A mistletoe belt buckle.

I made a special Christmas
present for Julian.

It's a mistletoe belt buckle.

- You're supposed to smooch
whoever's under the mistletoe.

So it's not too hard
to figure out

what she's trying to say.

- I've got something
to tell you.

Ricky's getting out of jail
today. I bailed him out.

So maybe you should
give that to him

because I'm not wearing it.
All right.

- You bailed him out.

- Yeah.
- Why didn't you tell me?

- Luce, we should go.

- Julian, he gets really greasy
around this time of year.

Stealing presents out of trunk
s and stealing Christmas trees,

anything he can get his hands on
to make a buck

or to get Lucy off his back.

- Julian is so obvious
sometimes. He's going around

telling everyone that
he's getting Ricky out of jail

so that Ricky and Lucy can spend
some quality time together.

He's just tired of Lucy trying
to bang him all the time

and wants to pawn her off
on Ricky.

- Christmas to me is about
one thing, money.

- Registration, no license,

no inspection.

Great, Bubble - shovel
the f*cking thing out first.

- If you want to be part
of this contest,

you have to buy the lights
from me.

- Julian, I'm not driving
that car.

- Yes.
- It's not legal for the road.

- Bubbles, I'm taking
a contest call. One minute.

- Julian's having his Christmas
contest.

He has it every year.

Whoever has the best
set of lights in the park

wins a great big TV.

- Julian has got his big g*ng
of morons out stealing

Christmas lights
from the Scotsdale Subdivision

He resells them to people
in the park

and they have this big
competition,

who can buy the most light
s from Julian

wins a big screen TV. Where do
you think the TV came from?

- Sets of lights, trees
and stolen presents.

Listen to him back there.

f*cking Donald Tr*mp.

- Cool. Check it out, Trev,
it's a kids tool set.

- I believe it's got little
bolts and everything, James.

- Jamie, Jamie,
I said no kids presents.

Did I tell you guys that, huh?
Did I tell you guys that?

- It's kind of hard to tel
I what they are

when they're wrapped
and inside a car.

- Jamie smarten the f*ck up.

- Don't worry, Bubbs, no one's
going to pull you over.

Come on, man,
do this for Ricky and Lucy.

We've got to get them back
together for Christmas.

- But I'll make you a deal
though, you and Ricky

are hanging out with me all
Christmas day having a bonfire.

- I've got a lot of paper work
to do tomorrow.

- I've got a lot too,
so forget it, no deal.

- Maybe for a bit, okay. But
please, be careful with the car.

- Julian, I'm not going
to hurt the car.

It's your grandmothers. I know.

- It's Ricky's car now. And
don't forget to tell him that.

- I won't.
- Thanks, buddy.

- Can you give me a push,
Mr. Lahey?

- Go nice and easy. Go.

- Put some balls into it.

- Is that f*cking hash I smell?

Doug, you've got f*cking hash,
don't you.

I'm here smoking weed
and you've got hash.

There's nothing better than
being in jail at Christmas.

Guards let you party
for twelve days straight.

Got no f*cking work chores or
book readings or Christmas trees

or giving gifts
or f*cking lights.

f*ck all that bullshit.

Let's get f*cked up.

- Ricky, you've got someone here
to see you.

- What are you talking about?

- Bubbles what are you doing
here, buddy?

- Hey, Ricky, Julian bailed
you out. You're out.

- What.
- Get your stuff.

- Bubbles, no. I've got
twelve days of break.

Come back in twelve days.

- Ricky, what are you
talking about?

Come on. We're getting you out.
Sign out.

- Oh, I don't want to leave now.

What the f*ck's he doing
bailing me out.

f*ck! Stevo!

Stevo, go get my sh*t.
I'm getting the f*cking out.

Christmas is f*cking ruined.

I can't believe Julian
bailed me out.

He knows how f*cking cool
it is at Christmas

and he ruins it any ways.

Julian's up to something,
I f*ckin' know he is.

Jesus Christ!

Dougie, f*cking Chris
passed out again.

I told you. He's drinking rum
and smoking weed.

Keep him on the hash. You can't
smoke weed and drink rum.

I haven't been out for f*cking

Christmas since Trinity
was born.

How the f*ck do I handle
Christmas, man?

- Ricky, you think I know how
to deal with Christmas?

- Holy f*ck! Isn't that the car
Julian stored?

- Yeah, he did. And guess what,
Ricky, it's yours now.

Christmas present from Julian.
It's your car.

- No way.

- He wants you to impress Lucy
so he gave it to you.

Lucy's in love with you again.

- Lucy's in love with me again?

- Apparently.

- f*ck!

- Ricky, what's wrong.

- I was wondering what dad's
are supposed to do at Christmas.

Do you think I'll be able to get
a hold of Santa Claus

to deal with all this sh*t,
or what, man?

- Ricky, f*ck!

Oh my God. What are you doing?

- I don't know, that f*cking
transmission

must be f*cked up or something.

- Is the transmission drunk,
Ricky? Cause you are.

- f*ck!
- Be careful.

Oh my God!

- Bubbles, it's winter time.

I'm not used to driving this.
I'm usually in jail.

- Ricky, you should have let
me drive, I think.

- We better get out of here

before the f*cking guards
see this sh*t.

- Rock it, Barb. Rock it.

- I'm rocking it.

- Slower, Barb. Slower.

Barb, slower.

Stop hold it and turn it off.

- Off.

- f*ck.

- Don't tell me they let you
out of jail.

- Get this car out of the way.
We've got to get through.

- Welcome back, Rick.

- Jim gets a bit stressed out
this time of the year.

I have tremendous
responsibilities at the church

and Jim tries to help out, but
he starts thinking about liquor

like clockwork and he's counting
the minutes.

- Barb says it's okay for me
to have a couple of drinks.

Why not? I deserve it.

I'm not an alcoholic.

I just enjoy a couple of drinks
at Christmas time.

- You know he gets so drunk.
He can't remember anything.

He falls down completely wasted,
totally annihilated.

But to be fair, you know,
it must be hard for him

so I don't mind letting him rip
one day a year. Christmas day.

- Nothing is going to ruin
this Christmas.

- Merry Christmas, Rick.

- What is so f*cking merry
about it? Move the f*cking car.

- Don't push me, Ricky?

- Jim, just ignore him.
Move the car.

- How can I move the car, Barb.
The car is stuck.

- Lahey, get a shovel and
get it out of the f*cking way

or I'm going to press right
through the f*cking thing.

- Park the car down the road
and walk to where you going.

- Jim, do you want to lose your
Christmas liquor privileges?

- You heard, Lahey.

Move the f*cking car or you're
not getting drunk at Christmas.

- I'm getting drunk
at Christmas

and even you aren't
going to stop me.

- You want to f*cking go?
You want to f*cking go?

- That's it. No liquor this
year. I'm serious, Jim. Come on.

- What a shame.
No drunk Lahey this year.

- You are going to regret
this, Ricky.

- Really. You're going to regret
not moving your car.

I'm driving, Bubbs.
- Ricky.

- Look what you've done, Jim.

No liquor, Jim.

- We've got to f*cking talk
right now.

How dare you bail me
out of f*cking jail

at Christmas time, man. You've
ruined my f*cking Christmas.

- Thanks a lot for the pop,
Julian.

- It's good to see you too, Rick.

- Listen. I'm going to teach
you something.

Christmas is about family
not about jail, all right?

Sorry I got you out so early,

but I've got some good news
for you.

Lucy has been talking about you
non-stop.

She wants to get back together
with you.

- You better not be playing
with me.

- I'm going to help you out
here, get you a job,

a company car. You're going to
start working for me

first thing tomorrow morning
. What do you say about that?

The New Yorker's yours, bud.

What f*cking strings have you
contracted

to this f*cking thing?

- It's the same thing
we've been doing every year,

Christmas remarketing.

We're making a sh*t-load
of money this year.

- Stealing f*cking presents
out of trunks again.

- Fine. How are you going to get
presents for Trinity and Luce?

I'm going to set you up
big time, Ricky. That's how.

- You think you're f*cking
Santa Claus all of a sudden.

You're not f*cking Santa Claus,
Julian.

And I don't need your f*cking
cherry trees.

I haven't always had
the best Christmas.

But Santa always showed up.
Always.

There's no reason he will not
this year. f*ck, Julian.

- Hey. How's it going?
- Hey.

- Hey, Ricky.
- Hi, Sarah.

Is Trin still up?
- No, she's at my mom's.

I only just found out that you
were getting back today, Rick.

- That sucks.

I was just wondering
if I could talk to you.

Actually alone.
Sarah do you mind?

Just talk to Lucy.
Just me and her.

- Ricky, it can't be the same
bullshit as it was before.

- Lucy, I thought you wanted
to get back together with me.

- Well I do. You know,
maybe if you figure out

all this Christmas stuff,
you know.

- Lucy, like whatever it takes.

- I'm really glad you said that
because you know what,

I came up with a list of stuff.

And if you can pull this
together man, like,

it would be perfect
and we could really

finally figure it out, you know.

What do you think?

- Yeah. It's no problem.

Santa Claus will take care
of all of this stuff.

- Really?
- Yes.

- f*ck, man, that would be
great.

- I just asked Lucy
to put together

some conditions to give
to Ricky

so we have a good family
oriented Christmas this year.

Things on the list are not
showing up drunk

for Christmas dinner, filling
up our furnace t*nk with oil.

He needs to get at least
seven presents for Trinity.

And Lucy really wants a fur
coat, so that's on the list too.

- Hey, Dad.

- Ricky, buddy. Ah man,
it's great to have you home.

Hey, man. Country liquor
from the valley, boy.

Some hoosh. Get that into you.

Come on, Ricky.
Drink it up, buddy.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Bubbs.

- Listen, you mind if I hang
out with you guys for a bit?

- Come on, boys, drink up.

- Listen, if I'm interrupting
any father/son stuff,

you give me the word
and I'm out.

- No problem, Bubbles.
Stay where you are, buddy.

So tell me, buddy, what did
you learn about being a man

on the inside this time
around, man?

- Dad, not this sh*t.

- No sh*t, Ricky, I'm talking
about your soul.

And we're going to midnight
mass tomorrow too, boys.

- No.
- That's the way it goes.

What did you learn
about being a man?

- Mostly just family stuff.
I mean.

Well, a man is supposed to...

always be thinking about stuff
about his family,

and for to make himself
to do things

that are going to gooder the
family around or gooder it up.

And that is what is a man.

- Yeah. No, you're right.

But did you ever wonder about
why a smart guy like you

is on this earth, Rick?
Smart guy with a good soul.

A good guy that shouldn't be
in jail.

- Dad, don't be dissing jail.

Seriously, don't f*cking
diss jail.

- I'm not dissing jail, buddy.

I'm talking about
your spirituality here.

Come on, your spirituality.

- I write letters every year.

I'm sending a letter
to the Big Guy tomorrow.

So, it's taken care of. Done.
No problem.

- Huh.

- The letters. You and mom
got me to write them

every year at Christmas.
I'm sending on off tomorrow.

- To Santa Claus, Rick?
- Yeah, the Big Guy.

- The Big Guy?
The Big Guy, that's God, Ricky.

- Yeah God.
That's what I said, Santa.

- Ricky, you know
that Santa and God

aren't the same guy, right?

- Dad, you didn't know that?
Think about it.

How do you think he gets
around the world in one night?

Of course he's the same person.
Right, Bubbs?

- No, Ricky. Santa and God,
that's two different things.

- What?

Oh, my f*ck!

You know I did maybe think

that I f*cked that up,
I wasn't sure.

I didn't want to say anything
just in case Santa was God.

But obviously, probably
wouldn't it piss him off

that I mixed them up like that?

- Jesus! Yeah, Ricky, but...

- You never mixed that up?
- No.

- Bubbs, you never mixed
that up?

- No, Ricky, I've never mixed
that one up.

Ricky, were you counting
on Santa

to bring presents to Trinity?

- Yeah. What, Santa's
not coming now?

- No, Rick. No.

- Well, that's f*cking bullshit.

Well, I've got no presents.
What am I suppose to do?

I need presents for Lucy
and Trinity.

Great. Christmas is f*cked.

- If Ricky thinks he can
f*ck up my Christmas

drinking privileges,
he is sadly mistaken.

They f*ck up my Christmas,
I f*ck up their Christmas.

- I'm begging you.
Just take me with you.

- All right, I'm going to be
a nice guy

and give you a second chance.

But let me make myself clear, Rick,

I'm running a business here.

I don't give a f*ck about Lucy
and all that sh*t.

So you do your Christmas
shopping on your time, not mine.

Are we clear?
- Yeah, man.

Thanks, Julian.
I really appreciate it.

- It's nothing personal.
It's just business, all right?

- Hey, Bubbs.
- Hey, boys. What are you up to?

Listen, can you guys help me
round up

some wood for a bonfire?

- Sure, buddy. Just going to
head down to the mall first.

- Boys, get these trees
delivered. Come on.

- Hurry the f*ck up. We've got
to go down to the mall.

f*cking nerds.

- Nerds.

- What the f*ck are you guys
doing? Grab a tree.

Both of you. One each.

- You want one of these ones?
- Just grab a f*cking tree.

- Nerds, let's go.

- Julian, I can't get the tree
out. It's stuck.

- You can't get the tree out
cause you're a nerd.

Why are there two nerds
carrying one tree?

One tree per nerd.

g*dd*mn f*cking nerds.

- Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- Ricky! f*ck, man.
What are you doing?

- Sorry, man. I'm not used
to this driving in winter stuff.

f*ck, man, it's a big car.

Is this a scratch?

Just take it out of my first
f*cking pay cheque.

- Every bit of damage you do
to this car, you're fixing.

- All right.

- For fuckssakes!

- Jesus, Ricky.

- All right, everybody
grab a crowbar.

- Ricky, what are these for?

- Shopping.

- Ricky, can't we just get out
of here?

You're going to wind up
back in jail.

- The cops don't give a f*ck
about breaking into cars.

We're not going to go to jail.
Check that out, buddy.

- He locked the keys in the car.
Merry Christmas.

- You know, Christmas is
the time when those of us

who are more fortunate
can give something back.

And that's why I like to
volunteer here at the church.

- Are you going for
cheeseburgers soon, Barb?

- Double cheeseburger,
no pickle.

Hi there. Thank you very much.

- Hey, do you like to party?
- Excuse me.

- Do you like to party?

- Oh my God.

Randal, are you a male
prost*tute?!

- Barb Lahey?

- You are.

You're a male prost*tute
and you've been drinking.

- No, I'm not a male prost*tute.

I work construction down
in Florida.

I've got time off for Christmas.

Randal...

- Okay, I am a male prost*tute
and I've had a couple of drinks.

- Oh my God. You poor thing.

Go on. Get in my car
and warm up.

Do you like cheeseburger?

- Alright, boys. Mall security
is going to be here soon.

We hit three more cars
and we're out of here.

- It's nothing. Three more
cars, buddy. Here.

- No, actually, Ricky,
no more cars.

I'm out of here.
I'll have a bonfire by myself.

- Bubbles, come on.

- Pass me some gifts.

All right.

Hurry up.
Move, move, move, move.

- You know who I really feel bad
for at Christmas time

is Bubbles. He's such
a sweet guy, you know.

And all he wants to do is
hang out with Ricky and Julian

but they don't make time
for him.

They're too caught up in their
business schemes or whatever.

He just loves them so much.
It's a sin, actually.

- Randal, would you give me
hand with the groceries, please.

- Sure.

- Come on.

- Simon?

- No, this is Jim
and Jim this is Randal.

Well, Randy. He's going
to be staying with us

for a little while.
Just temporarily.

I thought he could help you
out around the park

for a bit of food
and a place to stay.

- Stay with us?!

- Well, yes.

And that is why I started the
outreach program at the church.

You just make yourself at home,
Randy.

- Simon, you're married?

- Don't you say a f*cking word
and don't call me Simon.

Please never call me Simon,
always call me Mr. Lahey.

Always, always.

- The last Christmas
I got to spend

with my parents before
they left,

we had a great big Christmas
bonfire.

It was a lot of fun.

Dad was driving rig then

and he made it home
just in time.

Mom closed down the bakery

and brought some muffins
and stuff home.

We sat around and had
a big bonfire.

I don't think Ricky and Julian
realize how fun bonfires are.

I've been trying to tell them,

but until you've been at one,

you just don't know
how much fun they are.

- I can't believe
all these presents

that you've found for us.

- My new job is going awesome.

- That's great. Hey, some of
these are kinda weird though.

What's Trin going to do
with a belt sander?

Hey, where's my fur coat?

- Well, I've been looking, Luce,
and you know hopefully I am...

- Hopefully?

Do you want to get back
together with me or what?

You know, I gave you a very,
very simple list.

I want a f*cking fur coat.

You don't find one for me,
we're f*cking done.

- Shut the f*ck up!
- Brenda, you shut the f*ck up!

- Maybe someone can tell me
why penitentiary services

are letting all the reprobates
out at Christmas time.

- You know, Jim, this is
the time of year

you're supposed to be able
to turn the other cheek.

Why don't you just leave
those guys alone?

And you're not a cop anymore.

- Mr. Lahey, I don't want
to but into your personal life...

- Then don't, Smokey.

- If I have to call you
Mr. Lahey,

I want you to call me Randy.
My name is Randy.

- Well, Randy,
why don't you elf-off

and have a look around
the park.

I don't think you gonna be
staying with us too long.

- Julian, I appreciate
the f*cking opportunity here,

but I have to go shopping.
You don't understand Lucy.

- It's going to be taken care
of, okay.

- Boys, check out the bonfire
wood I got.

- Lucy needs a f*cking fur coat.

So what are you telling me to do
about that, Mr. Genius cock?

- I've got a tip on a delivery
of fur coats going to the mall.

Want me to get this going
right now.

Hey, boys, get over here.
All right, listen up.

I want you to go hide near
the loading bay of the mall.

Wait for a tonne truck.

As soon as it arrives,
wait for the driver to leave.

Break in. Take all the coats
and whatever else you can get.

This is going to be easy, boys.

It's the only f*cking delivery
that day.

Don't f*ck this up.

- Guys, I've got nothing
Lucy wants for Christmas.

So I'm counting on you guys.

I want the fur coat wrapped
in a big f*cking box.

Make it look nice. Please guys.
You've got this or what?

- Got it.

- Julian, can you explain it
one more time to us?

- Jamie...
- I've got it, Julian.

Don't worry.

- Randal?

- Yeah, man, but I go
by Randy now.

Gees, I didn't think anyone
would remember me.

- Randal's grandfather used
to live in the park years ago.

We used to hang out with Randal
all the time

playing Dinkies and what not

till Ricky jammed them full
of peanut butter

and Cheese Whiz that time

and left them out in the sun

and it got all baked on
and wouldn't come off.

I don't think we hung out
with him much after that.

God, I remember.
What are you doing around here?

How come you have
an elf suit on?

- Right on, man.
Hey, guys, what's going on?

What have you been up to?
Are you working?

- We're out stealing Christmas
trees from lots and stuff.

- Julian hooked everybody up
with a Christmas tree this year.

It's awesome.
- Don't go blabbing, Corey.

- You guys are going
to get us in trouble

with Ricky and Julian.
Not cool.

- Julian stealing trees?

- Randy, don't say anything,
please.

We could get into
a lot of trouble.

- f*ck!

- Mr. Lahey, Corey and Trevor
told me

that every Christmas tree
in the park is stolen.

- Is that right?
- Yeah.

- A little elf told me.

- This f*cking tape.

- Ricky, stop f*cking
with the tape.

- Boys, listen. Sorry to
interrupt here and everything,

but are we going to have
a bonfire, or what?

- Not right now, we've got
important Christmas sh*t

to take care of.

- Important is it, Julian.
Is this what's important?

Stolen presents and
stolen lights and stolen trees.

- What the f*ck was that?

- Take a guess. What are siren
s usually bolted to the roof of?

- Right there.
- Do something.

- What the f*ck is going on
here, Lahey?

- Repossessing stolen property.
- What f*cking stolen property?

- Tagged Christmas trees
stolen from various lots.

Jim here says
that you might be able

to tell us how they got sold
in the park.

- Did you buy anything from me?

- Well not you personally,
Julian, but...

- You don't have any
direct evidence?

- Well...

- f*ckin' bastards.

- Would anyone be willing
to tell me

who they bought their
Christmas tree from this year.

- Well, I don't know.
Would anyone here?

- I know they probably stole
the trees, Jim,

but I can't do anything about
it without evidence.

I can only take the trees.

Jesus, man, you used to be
a cop. Evidence, Jim, evidence.

- Evidence, Jim.

- Evidence, Mr. Lahey.
You have her in there?

- I probably should have
furthered my investigation

before acting.

But it was a mistake born out
of a simple desire for justice.

But in the future,
I'm going to make sure

I have all my evidence in
before I make the call.

Never going to make that same
mistake again. Never.

- Somebody move that car.

- Not a problem, officer.

- What the f*ck are you doing?

- Go forward, Ricky.

- Ricky, take it forward.
You're hooked on his door.

Cut the wheels.
Make the arse end go right.

- You're paying for every bit
of that damage.

We're f*cking suing you.

Julian, that was not my fault.

- Whose fault was it, Rick?

- Knock, knock, Lahey.
- Whose there, Ricky?

- f*cking shitty,
f*cking trailer park supervisor

who hangs around
with a big gutted drunk elf.

He thinks he's getting us
thrown back in jail,

but he can't 'cause he's got
no evidence. He's dumb as f*ck.

He's got this other thing
going on in his head

that's trying to twirl you
around.

f*cking. Get different... f*ck.

- Nice train wreck, Ricky.
- f*ck off, Lahey.

- Julian, everything
is f*cked here.

Do you think those idiots
got that fur coat for Lucy yet?

- Don't worry about it, Rick.
Those guys are smart.

They're going to have your coat
for you, all right.

Right now we gotta get some
more trees for those people

before there's a riot
on our hands.

I'm going to need your help
too, Bubbs.

- No sweet f*cking way, Julian.
I'm done.

I'm done.
Don't want to get ripped off.

- Where the f*ck are we going
to get Christmas trees now?

- What do you mean you're not
allowed to drink, Mr. Lahey?

What's one drink going to hurt?

- You're absolutely right,
Randy. I'm in charge here.

And if I want to have a couple
of drinks around Christmas,

why the hell shouldn't I?

After all, don't I deserve it?

- Oh, Jesus! Lahey, my pants.
They're ruined.

- Christ. I'm sorry, Randy.

Look, you slip out of those.

I've got a couple of extra pairs
in the bedroom.

I'll put those in the washer.

- What a mess.

- Nice.

- Jim, what are you doing

drinking rum in your underwear
with a male prost*tute?

- Barb... we spilled egg nog
all over our pants.

And... I was using the rum
to get the stain out.

- Oh, I see. Like using white
wine to get red wine out.

You were using dark rum,
your drink of choice,

to get out the egg nog.

- Exactly.
- Of course.

Don't bother coming
to midnight mass

and embarrassing me.

- I embarrass you now.
Do I, Barb?

- You go ahead and drink
your face off. I don't care.

- Wait, wait!
Ricky, wait for me.

- Hey, Bubbs.
- Ricky, stop!

- What are you doing?
- Wait.

Hey, boys.

Listen, are you guys going
to be doing anything illegal?

- No, well yeah.
A little bit. Not too bad.

- Can I go with you?
I'll just wait in the car.

- If you want to.
- Yeah, sure, man.

- Yeah, I do. I want to.

- Cool. This is going
to be fun, Bubbs.

- Best lights in the park
win a big screen TV.

Guess what, Julian?

I've already won.

- Let's go in and get some
trees. Who's in charge here?

- Well, you're in charge.

- Those f*cking dummies
are asleep again. Let's do it.

Make sure you take the tags off
the trees this time.

- What the f*ck do you think
you're doing?

- Just here to buy some trees.

- You're here to steal
some trees.

We've been waiting
for you pricks.

- You charge way too much
for your trees anyway.

- Get in the car.
I'll cover you.

- Ricky, for fuckssakes.

Pop the trunk.

- f*ck the door.
Get in the f*cking car.

- Pop the trunk. Pop the trunk.
- Get in the f*cking car.

- Come on, Julian.
- Nice f*cking driving, Ricky.

- Boys, let's go.
We've got to get to church.

- I can't go to church.
I've got dope from jail

and I'm going down to the pool
hall to make some money.

- Ricky, it's Christmas.

We're going to church.
That's the way it goes.

- Ray, I've got gifts to sell.
I can't go to church.

- I'm not going to church.

- Way it goes!

Way it goes, boys.

- Well, you heard him, boys.

- I guess we're going to church.

- We've got to move some
merchandise tonight

because it's going
to be worth a lot less tomorrow.

- We've got to talk to you
about Lucy's gift.

- I don't want to talk
about Lucy's gift.

Just be at the church
and be ready.

Don't f*ck this up, boys.

If you do, I'm going to be
hard on you

for the rest of your lives.

- This is really important, Ricky.

- Corey, I don't want to hear.

Just be at the church
and be ready.

- Guys, I want you to go
door to door.

Give everyone a refund and
tell them that it's your fault.

- No, it's not okay.
We're not idiots.

- Yeah, we're not going
to do that.

- Me and Corey will do it,
Julian.

- Thank you.

- Come on, Tyler.

- Look at this now.

- I've got the best
Christmas tree lights,

so you might as well hand over
the big screen TV right now.

- Lahey, I'm not judging
the contest

until after midnight mass.

- Just tell him the truth.
You can't win the contest

because you didn't buy
your lights and tree off Julian

so get the f*ck out of here
both of you.

- Lucy, I've got an awesome
surprise for you inside.

Give me a second I've got
to take care

of a bit of business out here.

Anyone want some weed and hash?
Ten bucks a gram.

Weed and hash, ten bucks a gram.

Come on here. I know somebody
wants some weed and hash.

- What the hell you doing
selling dope at church, Ricky?

That's disrespectful, man,
come on.

- You're selling presents,
stealing lights and trees

for a f*cking big screen TV...
Come on, that's disrespectful.

- These are my customers,
all right?

- Ten bucks a gram.

- Listen to yourselves.

You ever stop to think
what the Big Guy up there

might be thinking looking down
at this going on.

- Bubbles, give me a second
here. Weed and hash.

f*ck!

- Julian, you promised.

- For f*ck sakes. Weed and hash.
Ten bucks a gram.

- Julian, you said anything
you don't sell

you'll give back to the church
Now that's the least you can do.

- Of course I will.
Come on, let's get in there.

- Want some weed and hash,
ten bucks a gram.

I'll meet you guys in there,

I got to move
some more dope here.

Come on, I know people
smoke dope.

The sermon makes a lot more
sense if you're stoned.

Ten bucks a gram,
it's awesome dope.

- You want to help me
win a contest, little elf?

- Sure.

- Perhaps with a little drinkie-poo.

- You're f*cked, Mr. Lahey.

- Couple of drinks, Randy.

If I can't play, Randy...

no one can.

- Tyler, have you ever tried
marijuana?

- I don't know, Jamie,
marijuana's pretty hard core.

- No, it isn't.
Everybody's doing it.

I think we should try it.

- That sounded pretty cool.

- That's mine.

- You're brilliant, Mr. Lahey.
- Thanks, Randy.

- Hey, guess what, it's : .

You can officially start
to drink.

- I say we poor a stiff on
e and head down to church, boy.

- This guy's awesome.

- Anyone want some weed
or hash, ten bucks a gram.

Awesome weed. Awesome hash.

- Before we begin tonight
I'd like to take a moment

to reflect on the victims
in our community,

including myself, who have had

their cars broken into
at the mall

and had Christmas gifts stolen.

A crime such as this reminds us

that even at a joyous time
such as Christmas

there are those who are
desperate and given to crime.

- Ten bucks. Best weed,
best hash you'll smoke

over Christmas, guarantee.

- Ricky. Ricky we're up here.

- How's it goin'? Nerds.

- Please be seated, gentleman.

- Just gimme a second here.

I've got something
to take care of.

- Sir, could you please
keep it down.

- Chill the f*ck out. I've got
to take care of someone.

It'll take a minute here.

Then get back
to your little thing.

Lucy.
- Hi.

- I thought this Christmas
was going to suck.

I got out of jail and
jail's awesome.

Then I found we were back
together and all of a sudden

Christmas was going to be
wicked, so... Come on up, guys.

Lucy, I want you to open this
up in front of all these people

so we're going to be officially
back together.

- Oh my God.

- Open it up.
You're going to love it.

What's this? Arc welder.

- An arc welder.
- Nerds, what the hell is this?

- You're embarrassing me
in front of all these people.

- Lucy, I'm sorry it was
a mix up.

- It's over.
It's totally ruined.

- Lucy.

- Hello, everybody.
Hope I'm not too late.

- Hi, I'm Jim Lahey...

and this is my wife, Barb.

She doesn't like me anymore.

She doesn't want me to drink,
do you, Barb?

Hi, Bubbles.

How's the stolen Christmas tree
racket going, Bubbs?

- Frig off, Lahey.

You know what, I'm going t
o state for the record

and for the Lord Almighty
that I wasn't involved in that.

Ricky, I'm getting out of here.

This isn't what Christmas
is about.

Craziness and drunk Santas

with old dirty grocery bags
hooked to their ears.

- Here, take a bit of dope.
- I don't want any dope

I'm going home.

- Nice going, Lahey.

Real nice.

- You write your little letter
to Santy Claus yet, Ricky?

- That's pretty f*cking funny.
You know how it starts?

"Dear Santa Claus,
go f*ck yourself."

- Did you just tell me to go
f*ck myself, Ricky?

- Yeah, Santa Claus,
go f*ck yourself.

- Boys, boys, boys. Break it up.

- Alright, you have
embarrassed me

for the last time, Jim Lahey.
I want a divorce.

- You got it, Pontiac.

- This is f*cked.

- What?

- I need a minute here.
I'm sorry.

I'll swearing and everything.

Sorry to interrupt,

but I have one of those brain
learning things

pop up in my head that wasn't
there a second ago.

It's about time to think
of me around

that basically what is
Christmas?

You know, I just got out of
jail, which was awesome.

You know, in jail we don't have
presents and lights and trees.

We just get stoned and drunk.
It's the best time.

You know I get out here,
I'm all stressed out.

My girlfriend breaks up
with me and

that's not what Christmas
should be.

It should be about getting
drunk and stoned

with your friends and family.
People that you love.

Who here is drunk right now?

How many people here are drunk
besides Julian?

That's so awesome. God doesn't
give a sh*t if you smoke dope.

You're in church
so you can't lie.

How many people
here are stoned right now?

Come on, how many people here
are stoned right now?

That's what I thought.
That's Christmas.

None of this presents,
and lights and stress and sh*t.

Just getting drunk and
stoned with your friends,

family and people that you love.

Bubbles... My friend Bubbles
has been trying to teach me

what Christmas really is
and I wasn't listening to him.

And I was at the mall stealing
stuff and everything else.

Now, I realize, and he's back
at the trailer park by himself.

I'm going to go back there with
him and get drunk and stoned.

And everybody in here should do
the same thing.

Get drunk and stoned
with your families.

If you don't smoke dope or drink

just spend time with
your families.

I'm going to get drunk and
stoned with my friend Bubbles.

- Right on, Ricky.
f*ckin' love you, bud.

- Love you too, Dad.
- Yeah, man.

- I've got lots of dope left.

So guess what, merry Christmas.
Free dope.

- Thank you.
- Everybody get stoned.

Drink your faces off.
Spend time with your families.

Merry Christmas.

- What the f*ck is going on?
Why's the power out?

- Well, there's power going
to Lahey's,

so you can figure that one out.

- f*cking prick ruined
the contest.

- Got your present out, huh.

- Yeah, I had it out.

- You're not trying to start
a fire with just this, are you?

- Oh yeah, Ricky.

- We're going to have
a big fire.

You know what I'm going to do,

we're going to burn Lahey's
f*cking decorations. f*ck him.

- f*ck!

Lahey's reindeers are going
to burn f*cking awesome, boys.

- Boys, listen up.

Sorry I stormed out
of the church earlier

and everything
but I'm all worked up.

I thought this might be
the Christmas

when my mom and dad came back
and I could finally

open my present

but I just can't open it
without my family.

And I just can't take it
anymore.

I'm burning the f*cking thing.

- No, Bubbs, don't burn it.

Something you taught me
tonight, what is about family.

See this, buddy.

Just a smoke, right?

Check this out.

- You can't break
the cigarettes.

- That's right, buddy.
And that's family.

We're your family.

We've got to stick together
no matter what happens.

- You guys are my family.

- That's right, so you can open
your gift now.

You don't have to throw it
in the fire.

- I can open it.
I'm with my family.

- What the f*ck is that?

- It's a bubblemaker.

- I'll get an extension cord
from Lahey's.

- What does it do?

- It makes bubbles, Ricky.

I always used to try to make
bubbles when I was a little guy.

- Bubbles, there's something
in here.

- My God, Ricky. I think
it's a letter from my mom.

"Dear Bubbles, Merry Christmas.

"I'm sorry we're not there
with you.

"It was the hardest thing
I've ever done

"when me and your dad
had to pack up and leave you.

"But some very dangerous men
were coming after your daddy

"for his gambling, fighting
and sh**ting his mouth off

drunk down at the legion."

Oh my God.

"We never wanted to put you
into any jeopardy

"so we had to leave fast.

"Hopefully some day,
you'll understand.

"P.S. I've asked Julian's
grandmother

"if you could stay
with them for a bit.

"She said, no problem,

"Julian would look after you.

"You're lucky to have
a friend like Julian

"and that Richard boy
who you try

to help out with his school work."

Oh my God.
A letter from my mom.

- I hate to interrupt, boys,
and spoil the mood,

but I need smokes, and papers
and we need some mix.

Dad needs garbage bags.

You want to go down
to the garage?

And get something to eat.
I'm f*cking starving too.

They've got microwavable subs.

- I hate eating at the garage,
Ricky.

- I know, Bubbs.
There's nothing else open.

- I love you, guys.

- Me too.
- I love you too, man.

- It was pretty tough breaking
up with Barb at Christmas.

But it gives me a lot more time
to work around the park.

Randy has agreed to help
clean up for a couple of days

before he heads back
to Florida. Feel great.

- Lucy and I have been talking

a lot about family
at Christmas time

and we've made a couple
of New Year's resolutions.

And one of them is that Lucy
never sees Ricky again

and another is
she never sees Julian again.

- Too bad I couldn't give this
thing away in this contest,

but you know, Lahey f*cked up
the whole contest.

So now I have to keep the thing.

Probably won't watch it much
because,

you know, I like to keep busy,
make some money.

I've been thinking about maybe
going to university

and starting up a company
or something.

Straighten out my life a bit.

- Well, hopefully in the new
year, me and shopping carts

are done with each other.

I'm going to start selling my
mitts down at the Fire Hall

if everything goes well and
that's it. Shopping carts done.

- I actually had a great
Christmas out of jail.

And I don't think I'll ever
go to jail again.

And I don't need
a f*cking car to be happy.

f*ck the company car.

Julian can have it back,
but I promised I'd fix it up

and get a new door put on
'cause the door is f*cked.

You'll never catch me
driving around

in a piece of sh*t like this.

- I used to worry all the time
about getting caught up

in some kind of crazy bullshit
that Ricky and Julian be doing

and maybe end up in jail
because of it.

But I don't think that's going
to happen.

I think, you know,
everybody's going to get

their lives back on track
and that's going to be it.

I'm feeling pretty good
about things.

- Anyway, I got smoking b*at.
Quit that. Quit drinking.

That's going to be easy

and I'm trying to set higher
goals for myself.

Maybe going back to school,
get my grade ten.

That's the sort of stuff I think
that Lucy wants to see.

And you know,
it helps little Trinity

get things going on in her head
'cause she saw me do them.

That helps for to help
with her thinking's.

It's time for me to grow up
and be a responsible man.

I think I'm there.