01x14 - Sandy Duncan

[bunniefuu]

It's The Muppet Show,

with our special guest star -
Miss Sandy Duncan!

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

♪ It's time to play the music

♪ It's time
to light the lights

♪ It's time to meet the Muppets
on The Muppet Show tonight

♪ It's time to put on makeup

♪ It's time to dress up right

♪ It's time to raise the curtain
on The Muppet Show tonight

Hey, we were so poor,
I was born at home.

After my mother saw me,
she went to the hospital.

♪ To introduce our guest star

♪ That's what I'm here to do

♪ So it really makes me happy

♪ To introduce to you...

Miss Sandy Duncan!

Thank you.

♪ But now
let's get things started

♪ On the most sensational,
inspirational

♪ Celebrational, Muppetational

♪ This is what we call

♪ The Muppet Show ♪

(gong)

(applause)

Thank you, thank you,
thank you.

Hi-ho. I'm in
a great mood tonight,

and that's because
our special guest star

is a real good friend
and a lovely lady -

Miss Sandy Duncan.

And so that means our
show tonight should be a real bang-up affair.

Did somebody say "bang"?
Uh, no.

(gasps)

Well... I've always wondered
what the show looked like from up here.

In any event, let's
start off the show with a musical number

that was staged
by our own gofer Scooter.

It could be a b*mb, but...
Did somebody say "b*mb"?

Oh, no!

(coughs)

Wow.

Well, somebody's gotta
introduce our guest star,

so it might as well
be the old Fozzie.

OK, here she is,
a star who does it all.

She sings,
she dances, she acts

and she makes you
feel good all over.

Miss Sandy Duncan!

(♪ "Nice Girl Like Me"
by Hal Sharper)

♪ Lost in a crowd

♪ Alone

♪ And drinkin' my third

(hiccups)

♪ Hungry for company

♪ Can't think of the words

♪ Watchin' the boys,
my heart in my hand

♪ What a misplaced,
pitiful sight

♪ Pitiful sight

♪ Just a stiff upper lip
who'll be knowin' tomorrow

♪ What she should have
been sayin' tonight

♪ Won't you tell me
what's a nice girl like me

♪ Doin' in a place
that never closes?

♪ Well, I can hardly hear ya

♪ Holy Moses

♪ Lookin' so sad

♪ Now won't you tell me
what's a nice girl like me

♪ Doin' by the dance floor
after hours

♪ Dozin' over
rows of whiskey sours

♪ Feelin' so bad?
♪ Feelin' so bad, so bad

♪ I'm feelin' so bad for me

♪ Whatcha doin' here, girl?

♪ Whatcha doin' here, girl?

♪ Now won't you tell me
what's a nice girl like me

♪ Doin' in a place
that never closes?

♪ I can hardly hear ya

♪ Holy Moses

♪ Lookin' so sad

♪ Now won't you tell me
what's a nice girl like me

♪ Doin' by the dance floor
after hours

♪ Dozin' over
rows of whiskey sours

♪ Feelin' so bad?

♪ I'm feelin' so bad for me

♪ Whatcha doin' here, girl?

♪ Whatcha doin' here, girl? ♪

Thank you.

Bravo! Bravo!
Wonderful.

Fantastic.
Tremendous.

Yeah, you know,
she makes me feel like a young boy.

She makes me
feel like a young girl. I think I'll go find one.

Oh, where is
that handsome frog?

Oh, there you are,
old frog friend.

What?

Would you lend me a fiver
till payday?

Fozzie, you already
owe me five.

Oh, please, please. I know it,
but I gotta pay my writer -

the legendary Gags Beazley.

The legendary Gags
comes pretty cheap, doesn't he?

Well, we worked out
a good deal.

You pay him by the line?

No, I pay him by the laugh.

Oh. Then
he owes you money.

Oh, that was cute.
That was real cute, Frog!

(singing in mock Swedish)

The spoons.

English word -
here the moo-fin.

See the moo-fin?

For the hool,
the boomer sh**t'.

That's make der hool,
we throw der hoop.

Here we throw hoop.

Mm-hmm. That's very good.
This were the hool. Hoop!

That's weird.
We throw der hoop.

This were the hool. Doo-nut.

OK! Right now, it's time
for our own king of comedy.

You've no doubt
heard the expression

"the next act
needs no introduction"...

Yeah, you're right.
He doesn't need an introduction.

He needs an act.

In your opinion, maybe,
but Fozzie Bear gets over 200 letters a week.

Mm-hmm, yeah, but if
he paid his bills,

he wouldn't get any.

I'll let Fozzie
handle you guys.

Here he is now,
one of your favorites and I'm sure one of his -

Mr. Fozzie Bear!

Hey, thank you, thank you,
thank you and thank you.

Hey, love you. Oh, look out.

I've got some great ones
for you tonight.

Hey, my wife loves children,
but I can't bear them.

Huh? Huh?

Hey, we got three kids -
one of each.

Ha-ha!

Oh, I'm rolling now.
I'm on a roll, I'm on a roll!

Yeah? Well, why don't you
butter yourself

and slip on out of here?

Speaking of slipping,

are you guys familiar
with the banana sketch?

Oh, nice segue.
Smooth.

Good blend.

Hey, hey. These two bananas
are walking down the street,

and one banana says...

Listen to Fozzie. Oh!

He has them eating
right out from his hand.

Well, he's got a new writer -
Gags Beazley.

Not the legendary
Gags Beazley?

You mean
you've heard of him?

Well, who hasn't?
Me, for one.

But Gags Beazley,

he is to comedy
what Mozart was to music.

He wrote the famous
banana sketch.

The banana sketch.
What's the banana sketch?

You never heard of
the banana sketch?

But it's the funniest...

(giggles)

What's...?

(applause)

Oh, oh...
Oh, hear that?

Great, great.
Oh, boy, I k*lled 'em. Oh, boy.

Yeah, I closed with
the banana sketch, you know?

Fozzie, what is
the banana sketch?

You never heard of
the banana sketch?

Um...

Hey, guys. Hey,
Kermit never heard of the banana sketch!

What's...?

I think somebody's
pulling my leg.

Somebody is pulling my leg.
It's The Great Gonzo.

You never heard of
the banana sketch?

(laughs)

Will you cut that out?!

Yeesh.

(♪ tea dance)

You know, when I was
in London, I saw them changing the guards.

Why, were they dirty?

Where'd you say
you were born?

In Paris.

Oh. How'd you do that?

The usual way.

My cousin lives in the desert,
and, boy, can he run fast.

'Cause the sand is so hot?

No, 'cause the trees
are so far apart.

Do you remember
where we first met?

Yeah, at the hop.

(roars) You know,
I'm falling for you.

What can I do?

Get out of the way!
(screams)

(thud)

(screams)

(thud)

Wanna join me?
Yeah.

(both scream)

(thud)

Backwards.
(both scream)

Excuse me. Sideways.
(both scream)

(thud)
Ohh.

Oh, that was fun.
(roars)

(sobbing)

(blows nose)

Excuse me. Pardon me.

Huh? You talkin' to me?

Yes. I couldn't
help noticing that you're crying.

Of course I'm crying.
I feel sad.

I mean, wouldn't you feel sad
if you looked like me?

I don't think there's
anything the matter with the way you look.

Oh, you're just
saying that to be nice.

No.

No, I mean, I'm
a big, huge, hairy lump, and I scare people.

Every time I walk in this park,
people yell, "Police!"

They cry, "Monster!"

Mothers grab their children
and little dogs run away

and flowers wilt.

Oh, come on. I think
you're exaggerating just a bit, aren't you?

Oh, yeah? Well, watch this.
Hello, flower.

See?
Yeah. Gee...

And then see this dog
over here? Uh-huh.

Hello, doggy.
(growls)

But I'm not running away,
I'm not calling the police,

and I don't think
you're a big lump. So there.

Well, it's true.
You're not.

A beautiful lady like you

takes the time
to sit down and talk to me?

Yeah, I just don't like
seeing people cry.

I think there's too much
sadness in the world.

You know what? If people

just took a little time
to look past the physical,

they might find
a lot of beautiful things about you.

Oh! (laughs)

I feel so good, so...
so loved, so... so beautiful!

You see? If we
feel beautiful, we are beautiful.

Oh, I feel beautiful!

(laughs)

Hello, flower.

(laughs) Hello, doggy.

(chuckles) I feel beautiful!

♪ Do-do-dee-doh-doh

Hello, fountain.

Oh, thank you,
beautiful lady.

You're welcome.

♪ Oh, dum-duh-duh

Hello, pavement.
Hello, grass.

Oh, my.

You mustn't
look so sad.

Oh...
I know that...

that you may appear to be,
on the outside, ugly,

but inside,

I'll bet that
you are as beautiful

as a morning sunrise.

On the other hand...

(♪ "Nobody"
by Bert Williams)

♪ When life seems
full of clouds and rain

♪ And I am filled
with naught but pain

♪ Who soothes
my thumping, bumping brain?

♪ Nobody

♪ When winter comes
with snow and sleet

♪ And me with hunger
and cold feet

♪ Who says, "Here's two bits,
go and eat"?

♪ Nobody

♪ I ain't never
done nothin'

♪ To nobody

♪ I ain't never got nothing

♪ From nobody no time

♪ And until I get something

♪ From somebody sometime

♪ I don't intend to do
nothin' for nobody

♪ No time

♪ When I try hard
and scheme and plan

♪ To look as good
as e'er I can

♪ Who says,
"Look at that handsome man"?

Who does?

♪ Nobody

♪ When all day long,
things go amiss

♪ And I go home
to find some bliss

♪ Who hands to me
a glowing kiss?

Nobody.
Right.

♪ I ain't never done nothin'

♪ To nobody
(Rowlf howls along)

♪ I ain't never
got nothing

♪ From nobody no time
(Rowlf howls along)

♪ And until I get something

♪ From somebody sometime
(Rowlf howls along)

♪ I don't intend to do
nothin' for nobody

(both) ♪ No time ♪

(♪ "Never Smile at a Crocodile"
by Frank Churchill)

Hi, everybody.
Hi there.

(roars)

Oh, dear. I should have
warned him.

♪ Never smile at a crocodile

♪ No, you can't get friendly
with a crocodile

♪ Don't be taken in
by his welcome grin

♪ He's imagining how well
you'd fit within his skin

(roars)

♪ Never smile at a crocodile

♪ Never tip your hat
and stop to talk a while

♪ Never run, walk away

♪ Say, "Good night,"
not "Good day"

♪ Clear the aisle
and never smile at Mr. Crocodile

♪ You may very well
be well-bred

♪ Lots of etiquette
in your head

♪ But there's always some
special case, time or place

♪ To forget etiquette

For instance...

♪ Never smile at a crocodile
(roars)

♪ No, you can't get friendly
with a crocodile

♪ Don't be taken in
by my welcome grin

♪ I'm imagining how well
you'd fit within my skin

♪ Never smile
at a crocodile

♪ Never tip your hat
and stop to talk a while

♪ Never run, walk away

♪ Say, "Good night,"
not "Good day"

G'night!

G'night!

♪ Clear the aisle
and never smile at Mr. Crocodile ♪

Maybe I could meet you guys
tomorrow for lunch?

You know, Sandy, it's nice
for the two of us just to have a moment alone to talk.

I enjoy it, yeah.
Hey, Sandy. Hey, Kermit.

Yeah, hi, Fozzie.
Hi, Fozzie.

Hi. Oh, boy,
do I have good news.

You can't stay long?
No.

No, I got plen...
I got plenty of time.

That's bad news.
What's the good news?

Oh... OK, Frog, see,

the good news is that
I have a great idea for a sketch...

Oh.
... for both of us to play.

You want to do a sketch
with me?

No, not you.
With Sandy.

With me? Oh, that's a...
Yeah.

Well, that sounds great,
Fozzie. Yeah.

Who wrote your sketch?

Oh, my writer -
the legendary Gags Beazley.

Aw, come on, Fozzie.

Gags Beazley is your writer?
Come on?

You know him?
Well, I... (stammers)

Of course I know him.
I mean, Gags Beazley.

He wrote the famous
banana sketch. That's right!

Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.

Not you, too, Sandy.
Huh?

Well, tell me,
what is this banana sketch?

You never heard of it?
Come on, Kermit.

Everybody's heard of
the banana sketch. I told you, Kermit.

You know something?
What?

Gags Beazley. I can't believe
he's your writer.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
You know something?

I am impressed, Fozzie.
Really impressed.

Mm-hmm.
Yeah.

It's a real classic,
this banana sketch?

(both) Yeah.

And it was written
by Gags Beazley? Yeah.

How does it go
there, Sandy?

I mean, Gags, banana.
The words - synonymous, right? Right.

You can say that again.

I gag every time
I hear about this sketch.

Fozzie, I could just
be thinking about the banana sketch,

and I start to cr*ck up.

Me, too.

Do you? Does it
make you laugh?

Oh, stop.

Listen, hey, Fozzie...
What? What? What?

Do you use a green banana
or a yellow one?

Oh, yellow. Yellow.
(screams with laughter)

Yeah. A yellow one.
I love it.

Hey, wait, wait. Hold, hold on.
Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Wait a minute!
Wait a minute!

Hold! Hold! Hold. Hold.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'm sorry.
Sandy, Sandy, please, please...

pretty please,
Sandy, with sugar on it, pretty please.

What?
What is the banana sketch?

Go on, tell him.
Go ahead, tell him.

Tell him. Tell him.
You wanna tell him?

You tell him.
You tell him. OK, I'm gonna try.

Yeah?
OK. Well, all right. All right.

Like, these two banan...

These two bananas...

are walking down the str...

I can't stand it.
It hurts to laugh.

Tell me the truth, Statler.
Do you get the banana sketch?

No, I get The New York Times
and the Manchester Guardian.

Sorry I asked.

Here's a Muppet news flash.
Dateline, Dallas, Texas.

Mrs. Billie Lee Bonkers
of that city

recently entered
the Guinness Book of Records

by establishing the world
jumping-in-place record.

Mrs. Bonkers began
jumping in place three months ago,

and so far, has jumped
652,000 times.

652,001.
Mrs. Bonkers.

652,002.

Mrs. Bonkers, do you
need any special incentive to keep you going?

Oh, my, no.
I have all the incentive that I need.

Uh, how's that?

I am standing on
a hot plate.

Aah! Ooh! Ohh!

652,003...

Truly a courageous
and inspiring story.

Where do we get these nuts?

OK, stand by for
Veterinarian's Hospital, Veterinarian's Hospital.

Oh, frog of my life,

please tell me what
they're saying about you is not true.

What's that, Piggy?

That you, you host
of a television show, veteran of the boards,

you have never heard
of the banana sketch?

Uh, "Piggy,"
said the frog,

trying to
refrain from losing his cool and looking like a bad sport,

"there is
no banana sketch!

"There never was
a banana sketch

and there never will be
a banana sketch!"

Whew.
Touchy, touchy.

Hey, which way
to my dressing room?

And don't try to shove me
into the refrigerator.

(shrieks)

(man) And now
Veterinarian's Hospital,

the continuing story
of a former orthopedic surgeon

who's gone to the dogs.

Well, what do you think,
Dr. Bob?

This is your
first transplant.

Well, there's always
a second chance.

But what if he doesn't
make it, Dr. Bob?

I don't mean him.
I mean me.

Let me check into something.

The old ticker
still sounds great.

Oh, you mean,
his new heart is fine?

No, I mean my new watch.

I dropped it in
when I was sewing him up.

So Dr. Bob dropped his watch
in the patient's chest.

Tune in next week, when
we'll hear Dr. Bob say...

Well, let's look
on the bright side.

At least
if he doesn't make it,

we'll know
the exact time he went.

That's wonderful, wonderful,
right, Statler?

Good grief, did he jump?

(♪ "Try to Remember"
by Tom Jones)

♪ Try to remember

♪ The kind of September

♪ When life was slow

♪ And oh so mellow

♪ Try to remember

♪ The kind of September

♪ When grass was green

♪ And grain was yellow

♪ Try to remember

♪ The kind of September

♪ When you were a tender
and callow fellow

♪ Try to remember

♪ And if you remember

♪ Then follow

♪ Follow

♪ Follow

♪ Try to remember

♪ When life was so tender

♪ That no one wept

♪ Except the willow

♪ Try to remember

♪ When life was so tender

♪ That dreams were kept

♪ Beside your pillow

♪ Try to remember

♪ When life was so tender

♪ That love was an ember

♪ About to billow

♪ Try to remember

♪ And if you remember

♪ Then follow

♪ Follow

♪ Follow ♪

Once again it's time
to fold up our tents, but before we go,

we'd like to give
a special thanks

to our guest star -
Miss Sandy Duncan!

Thank you. Thank you.

Kermit, I want you to know
I had a good time.

Oh, me, too. Hey,
and you know how some shows give their guest star

a dozen roses
at the end of the show?

You shouldn't have.
I didn't. Hey, banana boy!

Sandy, it was the frog's idea,
not mine, not mine.

It's all right. I love it.
I love all of you. Yeah?

Yeah, well, I hope
that's the last I ever hear of the banana sketch.

We'll see you all next time
on The Muppet Show!

Thank you.

(♪ "The Muppet Show" theme)

Well, how'd you
like the show?

Maybe I'm getting soft,
but I loved it. Have a banana.

(bum note)